I’m one of those New York A-holes without a car, so I end up renting a car every Christmas in order to transport my dog down to my sister’s place in Maryland. This year, that car ended up being a Prius.
I’m okay with this. Saving money on gas is nice, and I just need something with four wheels and a trunk. I don’t need to project an aura of masculine ideals with my rental car. But there are a couple of problems.
First off, having never driven a hybrid, I have no idea how to start the damn thing. There’s no ignition, only a power button. So I press the power button. It turns green. The center display screen comes on, but I can’t put the car in drive. I press all the buttons and jiggle all the levers. So I press the power button again, and it turns red AND the dash display lights up. Ha ha, success! But the car still won’t go into drive. I press the same buttons in different orders and jiggle the levers again. I pray. I tweet. I’m a 21st century ape hitting the monolith from 2001.
For the record, for anyone who may one day drive a Prius: put your foot on the brake and hold the power button down. Some other things about my drive today:
- The rear windshield on a Prius is approximately the size of a loaf of bread. When you look through the rearview mirror, there’s a second mirror that magically doubles how much you can see out the back. But it’s still unsettling. I’ve seen gun ports in bunkers and arrow loops in castles that are bigger.
- Part of the reason I moved to New York from California was specifically so I wouldn’t have to drive. I’m a paranoid, angry, impatient person. Every time I drive I rediscover this vein in my temple.
- There’s something poetic about the dissonance of shouting obscenities at cab drivers, delivery trucks, and pedestrians while listening to Christmas music. “I’LL GIVE YOU A FUCKING SILENT NIGHT, ASSHOLE!”
Anyhoo, your Meast of the Week is Jerome Harrison. Or Josh Cribbs. I dunno. Someone on the Browns. Whatever.
Least of the Week goes to Brett Favre, whose 17/27-224-0-1 line for a 73.7 wasn’t necessarily Delhommian, but here at KSK, we — much like Peter King — understand that there’s more to the game than numbers. There’s chemistry, and leadership, and putting team before self — none of which he exhibited as he defied his coach and refused to leave the game with the Vikings leading 7-6. The Panthers scored 20 unanswered points in the 4th quarter en route to a win.
And just look at Bretty boy after the game. You can just tell he’s so mad at himself.
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I can’t wait for the next Vikings game when Britt Far proves he is going to be mediocre for the rest of the year. Bring in Tav-Jack?
There’s something poetic about the dissonance of shouting obscenities at cab drivers, delivery trucks, and pedestrians while listening to Christmas music. “I’LL GIVE YOU A FUCKING SILENT NIGHT, ASSHOLE!
I miss home *teary*
Problems with the Prius, huh? Sounding a bit like Peter King’s enjoyable/aggravating travel notes aren’t we?
I hear you on the road rage thing. I live in BFE, and no one seems capable of driving the goddamn speed limit. I’m not even asking you to drive a couple miles per hour over the limit, but for the love of god, drive the limit or pull the fuck over so I can get by your slow ass. I’m more than happy to take the bus so I don’t have to deal with other drivers or have to dodge deer or big horn sheep.
Kaycee, as I said in the next post which I read first thanks to being gone all damn day…..Kindly go fuck yourself, and the horse you rode in on. I already wished you to get fucked by Santa’s eight reindeer, so let’s Hanukkah this one up. Go shove all eight candles up your ass, preferably after you drink a gallon of gasoline and hopefully light the candles.
And if you post in any more threads, I’ll email the guys myself and beg them to ban you for being a fucktard of epic proportions.
Meh.
I just need something with four wheels and a trunk.
You put the dog in the trunk???
I’m glad you asked Grimey… I wondered the same. Awfully convenient that we didn’t get an answer?
check out the guy behind the land baron… retarded cameraman photobomb!
THIS CAR defines clutch!
You wanna talk about a guy in the national football league who can start a Prius?
@Grimace I do like Italian Mastiffs, even though one tried to eat my Boston one day. That dog had…issues, and a dog of that size with issues = problems.
Brett Favre’s Prius runs on GUMPTION
I’m not sure who the bigger idiot is, Favre or Chilly.
Leave Zorn alone. He just found out that his unknown uncle perished in a car crash with his entire unknown family on a highway in Nigeria and some nice fellow at the bank is willing to cut thru all the red tape and send him half of the entire $65 million estate for a simple processing fee of $5k.
@ Italian Spiderman: I see your Bawstin Terri-uh and raise you one Italian Mastiff. 100 lbs of pure awesome.
http://www.italianmastiff.net/
Randy Moss and that Raiders QB guy appreciate the effort put into choosing the meast.
the trick was that you would never see it coming a second time….
I could have written the post if I wanted to and given it to Ben. I deferred to Ufford, who I knew would rather live the rest of his life in that Prius than ever praise a Steeler.
True that. Very magnanimous of you.
@mick Oh no you didn’t! We can talk rationally about football here, even politics/religion/sex, but you just started a breedflawa! Aw-ah Baaahstan Terri-uh breed is bettah than youah otha nawn-Noo England breeds!
How can Jim Zorn (or whichever genius drew up that fake punt) not be at least a (dis)Honorable Mention for LEAST?
I just need something with four wheels and a trunk.
You put the dog in the trunk???
If you must own a dog , then own the greatest dog that ever has or ever will exist in the world.
http://www.breederretriever.com/photopost/data/526/medium/greatdane_jamieguymon.jpg
Loyal, Awesome, Protective and they can Fucking talk dammit !!!
This weeks Meast is an OUTRAGE!! It should definitely have been…….wait
/Hoping for Sexy Christmas
Hey, you can be Big Ass Truck girls new boyfirend. A prius is waaaaaay more emasculating then his Saturn. http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2009/08/ksk-off-topic-the-hybrid-kill-kill-kill-animal-death-porn-fantasy-sexfootball-mailbag-teaser.html
If you ever re-think the whole projecting masculine ideals concept, maybe you can balst this song from the Prius as you drive past Bodymore, Murdaland so all the punk ass marks recognize that you are the real O.G. driving gangsta.
Give me that beat fool, it’s a full time jack move
Chilly Chill, yo homie mack the track move
And I’ll jack any Tom, Dick and Hank
That’s the name of the SUCKERS I done ganked
I get away from a copper
Drop a dime, I’ll break you off somethin proper
With the L-E-N-C-H-M-O-B
T-Bone and that’s J.D.
And here’s how we’ll greet ya
Stop fool, come off that beat ya
feel dumb cause you’re caught in the dark
(ya lil nuttin ass mark)
Raise up, cause you cant’ have it back
You said – “I ain’t never got gaffled like that”
Off the end of the gat you choke
Short Dog’s in the house – “Whattup loc?”
Nuttin but a come up
Gimme that bass, and don’t try to run up
Cause you’ll get banked somethin sweet
Ice Cube and the Lench Mob, is jackin for beats
/those Priuses sho’ is quiiet.
i remember my first beer…
CC, Howie Long figures you would try pushing your finger on the power button to get the motor revving, and by power button, he means your clitoris.
Because he’s calling you a pussy, you see.
And Ape, we all know you’re secretly really peeved that Big Ben didn’t make it – you can deny it all you want. You’re just like a Colts fan!
YOU’RE RIGHT! SUPER PISSED!
Or not. I could have written the post if I wanted to and given it to Ben. I deferred to Ufford, who I knew would rather live the rest of his life in that Prius than ever praise a Steeler.
Rott mix? Good breed. (Lofty breed?) Even though I’m not a New England fan, I have a Baaahstan Terri-uh, myself.
So how many times did you have to reboot it?
Shit. Internal COMbustion. Methinks you watch too much porn, JAFO.
Does he like Peanut Butter?
Shit. Internal cumbustion.
Oh man. I have had several priuses (?) in the shop and they SUCK. there is no engine sound and there a bitch and a half to start, as stated by CC above. Keep the hard drive away from my interal cumbustion.
It’s a rott mix
Something tells me CC’s christmasy outburst occured on the NJ turnpike. That road is designed to crush souls.
@ italian spiderman: judging from the picture he put up a while back, it looked to be some sort of rottweiler/stegosaurus mix.
To be truly environmentally conscious, you could have simply taken the train to Maryland and shipped your dog by FedEx or something.
I remember when I first drove my 69 VW. It was pure comedy trying to get it into reverse because I didn’t know you had to push the shifter down, as in toward the ground, and backward.
And congrats to the Brownies for the Measts.
this happened to me with my first Prius ZipCar rental. I put it in neutral and rolled out of a my space and spent 5 minutes trying to figure shit out while people honked at me like the idiot i was in a parking garage. Other that that it was great.
Anyhoo, your Meast of the Week is Jerome Harrison. Or Josh Cribbs. I dunno. Someone on the Browns. Whatever.
This week’s Meast/Least brought to you in part by Jay Cutler.
Also, I’m with Ape on this one.
Drew Brees volunteered to be Least of the Week so no one had to feel bad, but Brett insisted everyone pay attention to him.
And co-Measts, both of which from the Cleveland Browns… Too bad they couldn’t have done this stuff enough times to, you know, contend.
Okay, so now I know how to start a Prius, but what breed of dog do you have? GIVE UP THE INFO, CAVEMAN!
And Ape, we all know you’re secretly really peeved that Big Ben didn’t make it – you can deny it all you want. You’re just like a Colts fan!
/too mean?
Fuck Favre, it’s about Goddamn time he showed his real colors. With any luck, the Vikes will end their season with a QB/Coach fist fight as they lose in the playoffs, again, to the Eagles.
Fuck Brett Favre again. Oh well, at least Jarrett Bush can still win Least when the pack plays wk 17 against the Cards Bush trying to cover Boldin or Breaston? Fuck. That.
Taking your dog to your sister’s for Xmas? What a fag!
How about remote controlled door locks? Those things suck the giant bung as well.
No Big Ben!? He threw for 50,000 yards against the 2nd ranked defense! This is an outrage!
/not actually an outrage
//just happy Steelers won for the first time in a month and a half
And what’s wrong with 21st century apes?