mailbag-12-10

Welcome to another fun edition of the mailbag. Who cares if it says “No Swimming”? Let’s dive right in. Topless, preferably.

Alright, I have a question regarding your take on the use of certain words by women. As a man, I have an uncharacteristic ability to misinterpret the use of language by the opposite sex. That being said, in the past I’ve also found ways to end up being “just friends” with far too many girls. I mean, Ive whiffed at thigh high fast balls from sluts in my day, and whatever, they come and go. What my question is, what’s with girls using the word “dork”? I’m pretty sure at least 4 girls in the past month have said “you’re a dork” / “you’re silly”. what the hell does this mean?

It means you’re a dork, dorkwad.

Is this friend-zone language, or can I still remain hopeful that sex will come of this?
-WB

Friend zone. No sex.

Readers: we get a lot of friend zone questions. After about six months of doing the bulk of the mailbags, I can tell you with a fair amount of certainty that if you have to ask if you’re in the friend zone, YOU’RE IN THE FRIEND ZONE.

Dearest Gaylords of the Gridiron,
Football – Is there any sort of litmus test to tell one when it is time to disband a Fantasy Football league? Of my group of college friends, only six have enough interest in playing. To get to ten or twelve, we’ve always brought in outsiders – siblings, graduate student colleagues, coworkers, friends of friends, etc. All endeavors have ended in miserable failure. Nobody’s outside friends can be trusted to abstain from conspiracy, gross ineptitude, or pissing off everybody else in the league. We are not the most welcoming bunch (e.g. there are only six of us), but we don’t ask for much. Time and again we have failed to deliver. This will be the first year where I gained more enjoyment out of playing in my company office league than my friend league. Is that a sign to recuse myself from the next season? Is there another way forward?

These questions always baffle me. Our readers have been on the planet for twenty, thirty, even forty or more years, and they can’t find a group of twelve non-douchebags who like the NFL. I’m in two leagues — one all-blogger, one through college/NYC friends — and other than Dan Shanoff always taking rookies two rounds too early in the draft, they’re both an absolute delight.

My suggestions: (1) Get better friends. (2) Invite the people from the work league who you like into your personal league. I wouldn’t leave your friends league unless they all agree to disband it.

Sex – My girlfriend wants to start watching porn with me. She recognizes, and has no concerns with, the fact that I am very familiar with porn. However, she has no idea what most porn is, and wouldn’t want to. I was able to tease out that she is looking for Cinemax-style story-driven softcore and nothing more. Being economically-minded and poor, she sees no reason in actually buying a DVD or upgrading to a premium channel package when I let slip earlier that there are a bounty of free movies online, and even organized into categories for you.

Now I could bookmark the softcore category and tell her to treat “home” and “search” as the forbidden zone, which may keep me safe for a month, but my real fear is banner ads. The first thought that popped into my head when she asked me “you can find a site for us to browse, right?” was the time I my lovely Faye Valentine scene on Pornhub was ruined by an ad involving anal DP splashed on the right hand side of the page as the video loaded.

Realizing that any surprises in shallow end will cause the child to run screaming from the pool and never want to return again, what is the best way to teach her swimming? Can it be done for free? And keep her involved in the search process? Is there some woman-friendly softcore site I haven’t thought of (and if there isn’t, young technological innovators of the world, here lies your goldmine)?
Sincerely,
Saving Miko Lee for years down the road

So your girl wants to look at porn, but nothing too hardcore. And you want it for free but without dirty ads. Well, let me plug “woman-friendly porn” into Google and see what pops up, Mr. Have-and-Eat-Cake.

/performs perfunctory Web search

Okay, here we are. Luckily for you, you’ve asked a question common to annoying women’s magazines, as Marie Claire has a full list of websites rated by how woman-friendly they are, while  Redbook recommends The Smart Girl’s guide to Porn by sex educator Violet Blue. Candida Royalle, a former porn actress herself, now makes female-friendly porn (read: story lines, real-life couples, very few genital close-ups, and no facials), and she provides a list of producers and directors here. If all else fails, you can always check out the cleverly named Porn Movies for Women for additional suggestions. (Note: All links in this paragraph are safe for work.)

Dear KSK,
Time for the playoffs. Defense question: I’ve got MIN (Cin, @Car, @Chi) and GB (@Chi, @Pit, Sea) but am considering picking up ARI (@SF, @Det, StL) and TEN (StL, Mia, SD) because of match ups. We only play one defense per week. Is it okay to drop 2 defenses that have been good all year for better match ups?

Minnesota @ CAR and Green Bay @ CHI and vs. SEA will probably treat you just fine. However, you can’t go wrong with playing ANY defense against Detroit or St. Louis, and I’d be intrigued by Arizona and Tennessee — two teams scrapping for playoffs spots/seeding — playing the dregs of the NFL. Maybe it’s the booze talking, but I think I’d rather have the Titans and Cards against the Rams, Lions, and Rams again.

Sex: All good there, so getting creative: in your opinion, what is the best regular movie sex scene/nudity ever (excluding porn)?
Signed,
Defensive Turncoat

Well, my personal favorite is Out of Sight, but that’s because I like the way it cuts back and forth with their dialog at the bar. Plus I love hotel bars. And hotel sex. And Jennifer Lopez back before she was J. Lo. And yeah, I’ll admit it: Clooney’s a handsome bastard.

Out-of-Sight-JLo-Clooney

However, I think most the folks in this neighborhood of the Internet will favor something with nudity, and there are plenty of memorable scenes out there, like Y Tu Mama Tambien, 9 1/2 Weeks, Bound (giggety!), Unfaithful, and so on.  A good reference for bolstering one’s argument would be IFC/Nerve’s list of the 50 Greatest Sex Scenes in Cinema (where Out Of Sight ranks only #26).

Dear Panty-Droppers,
Football: I just made the playoffs in my fantasy league (thank you Ryan Grant and Ray Rice for shitting the bed) and need to fill 1 flex spot and 2 WR spots out of the following: J. Snelling @NO, F. Jackson @KC, NYSmith @Phi, R. Wayne@ Den, P. Garcon @Den, and K. Britt @STL. I’m leaning towards F. Jackson for my FLEX and Wayne & Smith for WR, but Garcon and Britt have had good weeks lately and Britt is playing STL. I bow to your wisdom.

I wouldn’t call what I have wisdom. Last week I benched Tom Brady in favor of Matt Schaub strictly because I was pissed at Brady from his bed-shitting against the Saints, and it would have cost me a win if my opponent hadn’t started Flacco and his beautiful 3-interception game. But yeah, I think your proposed lineup is the best option.

Sex: I’ve been dating a girl for about 2 months and everything has been great, outside of the fact that she has a mole on her face. Now, it’s no Brees mole, and it’s no Austin Powers moley moley, but it is a noticeable, raised bump between her eye and the upper bridge of her nose. She said that once she was worried about it being cancerous and went to the doctor to have it removed, but that retarded fuck told her not to worry about it and to enjoy her beauty mark.

Fucking doctors, man. For people who go to school for seven years to get their jobs, they can be awfully lazy.

I know this is a dick thing to be preoccupied with, but every time I look her in the eyes my gaze drifts toward the mole. In the words of Jason Alexander in Shallow Hal, “I don’t need that circus shit.” Any suggestions on how to tactfully ask her to have it removed?
I love joo gize,
Anonymous

Nope. It cannot be done tactfully. No matter how delicately you approach it, what she’ll hear is, “I think you’re ugly.” Although you can always tell her you think it’s getting bigger or changing color.

Hooligans of the Highest Order of Fuckery,
Fantasy: Three weeks ago my team was near the bottom of the league but up there in points: the classic wishing death to the world situation. Now, with one week to go, a win for me and a loss for another guy would put me in the playoffs. And what a DAISY of a match-up it will be. So I come to you in desperate need of some solid advice, fantasy-wise. I have an embarrassment of riches at RB: Ricky Williams (v. Bucs) and Thomas Jones (v. Jags). And, for fuck’s sake: Purple Jesus (v. kitties, #2 run defense in all the land).

Could Childress be so retarded as to abandon the run early ONCE AGAIN? Do I commit the highest form of blasphemy and sit the speedmaster Perp Jeezy coming off a bad week?

Wow, and you don’t have a flex spot in this league? Downer.

Peterson is nursing a bad knee, but Yahoo still has him projected to get two more points than either Jones or Ricky, and I think it’s good to remember that this is ADRIAN PETERSON we’re talking about. You don’t know when he’s going to hang 150 yards and two touchdowns on the #2 run D in the NFL. Now, those numbers may not be likely, but the anger and shame you’ll have if Purple Jesus goes off while he’s sitting on your bench just isn’t worth it. Start PJ and Ricky.

“Sex”: I don’t really have a burning personal concern… But have you ever gone a reasonable period of time without reaching climax and then rub a sweet little self-charmer out MERE HOURS before you get just drunk enough not to be able to finish during a surprise hookup? You first think, “Noooo way I’ll be getting any tonight, no sir.” Then… “DAH! THE EARLIER ONE, I SEE NOW, IT WAS MEANT FOR YOU!” And you feel like a complete fool and a weirdo for being able to do it to yourself but not with her? No? Just me?
- 20/20 Hindsight

Actually, I’m pretty sure I’ve been there before. The lesson: don’t jerk it before going out.

Gentlemen:
Fantasy question first, because it’s playoff time. Should I start Meachem (@ Atl) or Driver (@ Chi)? I fucked up last week and started Driver, and it cost me the game.

Oof. Tough one. The Yahoo projections say Driver, but look at the points Meachem’s put up in a .5 PPR league the last five weeks: 30.2, 15.4. 14, 13.3, 18.3. Meanwhile, with the exception of his Thanksgiving destruction of Detroit, Driver’s been somewhat disappointing for three of the past four weeks, and it kind of looks like Rodgers is starting to favor Greg Jennings a lot more. Now, reacting to trends isn’t the same thing as predicting performance, but I think Meachem is the safer bet here.

Sex question: I’ve been hooking up with a girl for the last few weeks. It’s nothing serious yet but I can see it progressing to that. What’s the protocol for getting Christmas gifts for a girl you’re having sex with but not dating?
Godspeed,
Cletus VanDamme

Something small but thoughtful is nice. However, “thoughtful” is hard, so here’s what I’d do. You say, “Hey, I think it’s still kind of early to get each other Christmas presents — I’d like to know more about what you like before I feel confident getting you a gift that I know you can enjoy. But I’d like to do something nice for the holidays with you, so why don’t we have a nice dinner at [restaurant that's slightly out of your ordinary expense range] before we go home for Christmas?” You get bonus points for taking her to a nice dinner and the accompanying great-date sex AND you don’t have to do any shopping. Win-win.

Dear KSK,
Fantasy First. I’ve been on a good winning streak, but I can never seem to pick the right guy to be my 2nd running back and 3rd wide reciever. Who do you start: Amahd Bradshaw vs Philly, Ryan Grant vs Chicago or Marion Barber vs the whales vaginas? And Percy Harvin vs Cincy, Devery Henderson vs ATL, or Welker vs Carolina. I am already playing Megatron vs Baltimore and Driver vs Chicago.

Grant and Welker. And I’d probably play Harvin over Driver. Dude’s been tearing it up for the last month.

Sex. I am in love with this girl that I met at the gym. We get along great, sex is great if somewhat inconsistent. 4 times a week to 2 times a week swings. She loves my family, and I really love hers. Everything seems perfect, right? Well, about once every three months, she freaks out about how good it is, and decides she wants to break up because she can’t handle the idea of being in a serous relationship already. Here is the background. She is 23 and coming up on the 1yr anniversary of her divorce. I’m 27 and always seem to date women who are seriously messed up. I don’t want to be Captain save-a-hoe, but I seem to be destined for it. Last real relationship I had before this one ended when my girlfriend got into a fight w me at a party, and then 10 minutes later was fucking someone else. I tend to date that level of messed up persons.

So, do I stick it out because I can rationalize why she is so uncool with being in a relationship so soon? I know there isn’t another guy she is interested in, she is just crazy. When she isn’t overthinking, things are almost to fairy tale level of happiness. But I really don’t want to constantly be wondering when the switch is going to flip again and she is going to push me away. I really care about this girl, but most of my people are going to start not liking her real quick if she continues to do this. And I would like her to be able to hang out with my friends and family without them all wanting to stab her in the face.

What do I do? Stay with it and deal with the crazy and most of my people only tolerating her because they don’t want to upset me. Or let one of the things that mostly makes me really happy, because it is so up and down?

Don’t let me being a Broncos fan sway your advice!
-JM

Oh man, that’s so tough when you get along with her family and vice versa. My parents are still trying to get me to marry my last ex-girlfriend, and lemme tell you, she was absolutely fucking [REDACTED].

Anyway, there’s no easy answer to this. You just need to do a cost-benefit analysis of how much you love her versus how much crazy you’re willing to put up with. Along the way, be as patient and communicative as possible. If you never see any change and you decide the crazy isn’t worth it, that’s when you move on.

Gents,

Since it’s playoff time, obviously the most important question first: Santonio Holmes tonight against the Browns, or save the slot for (the G-Men version) of Steve Smith against the Eagles? Holmes has been on fire lately, but has not been so toasty all season long, while Smith at the very least has been consistent for 70 yards a game. My other space is reserved for Fitz.

How much do you like gambling? Smith is the safer bet, but Santonio has a higher ceiling. It just depends on whether you think Mike Tomlin and the Steelers plan to grind down the Browns with Rashard Mendenhall and possession passing (to Hines Ward and the tight ends, of course), or if you’re willing to bet that they’ll go deep against that weak secondary (Remember Meast of the Week Matt Stafford? Yeah, that was against the Browns).

Speaking of slots, my girlfriend and I have been going strong for about six months now, the sex and relationship is great. We’ve dropped the “L word” on each other already, but lately during sex I’ve noticed she keeps saying “I love you” with increasing frequency and with the expectation the sentiment is returned verbally, apparently the action taking place at the time isn’t enough to convince her of the fact. And quite frankly, I’ve never been in another relationship where the “L bomb” is dropped during sex, and certainly not in that frequency. I do love her, but I find it a little strange and disconcerting given the increasing frequency. Anything to be concerned about?
-DT

Yes, there’s absolutely reason to be concerned. You can’t tell your girlfriend that you love her during sex.