mailbag-12-17

Hoo boy. It’s the semifinals of most fantasy playoffs, but I have a feeling the biggest topic of discussion today is going to be the various fluids produced by the female body. Try to guess which ones come up!

Who guessed period blood? Anyone? Well you’re wrong! There is NO period blood in this mailbag. Read on to find out which ones made the cut.

KSK,
Fantasy first, cause it’s playoffs. Fourth year player, first time playoff contender, and  have the #1 seed against the #4 seed who actually beat me twice narrowly this season. I’m confident with my roster (MJD Dwill Tom Jones at RB, Ocho Andre Sidney at WR, Gonzo at TE) but my QB sucks pretty much (Worthlessburger and turf toe Matty Ice). Our league actually doesn’t have a trade deadline and would probably not veto anyone who trades fairly,

For the record: that is insane, and you should do everything in your power to exploit that aspect of your idiotically managed league.

so should I try trading for Favre (vs Car & Chi, and the guy who has him has Brady too and out of the playoffs) for Dwill + some WR for example, or go for FAs like Orton (vs Oak and Phi) or Henne (vs Titans and SD)? Clearly a dumb week for the QB can be saved by my other players, as was the case last week cause Andre and Tom Jones / MJD saved my ass, so should I sacrifice my RB / WR rotation for Favre or just hope that Neckbeard doesn’t choke? There’s also another guy who has Eli and McNabb, also out of the playoffs.

Do what you can to get Favre or McNabb without sacrificing talent you need (I’m assuming this is a keeper league).

Sex: Been dating this girl for a year and a half and things have been great. One thing is that her previous boyfriend was a total douche who cheats on her multiple times, and she’s become quite bitter about trust with men and diresgards anything romantic about a relationship. I don’t demand stuff but it would be nice if she would actually remembers anniversary and arranged something special for me on my birthday or something. I send her flowers on birthdays and anniversaries / Valentines and arrange for spa trips and fancy dinners on her birthday, and I dont see her meeting me halfway regarding this. Am I just whining too much or is there a way for me to broach the subject with her?
Thanks,
-AIL

Let’s get one thing straight here: you’re the woman in this relationship. And according to the standards of every other woman on the planet, your woman is an insensitive boyfriend. For the last year and a half, she’s been a good boyfriend but short on romantic gestures. You, then, need to do what most women do: nag and throw the occasional tantrum and plead with her for an occasional romantic gesture. Point out the nice things that other couples do, and say “How come YOU never do THAT for me?” Then you can cry until she gives up and treats you tenderly.

Dear KSK,
Sex: I’ve been dating my lady for almost a year now, and things have been really great. But there is one issue. The topic of strip clubs recently came up, and she told me that if I stepped foot in a strip club it would be a total dealbreaker for her. Now, I’ve only been to a strip club once in my life and the truth is that I didn’t particularly enjoy it- call me a homo if you want. I love boobies just as much as the next guy, but strip clubs aren’t really my scene. I’m 25 and my close guy friends are starting to get engaged, and my only worry is that eventually I’ll be at a bachelor party for one of my buddies where a stripper and/or strip club is involved. I don’t want to be that guy that calls and asks permission from his girlfriend, nor do I want to lie about it altogether and say I didn’t go. She’s not super jealous or overprotective otherwise, so I tried to explain to her that the only reason I would ever go would be to show my buddy a good time, but still nothing. How do I handle this one?

Inflexibility, ultimatums, and the refusal to compromise are harbingers of fights and break-ups. Frankly, I think you’ve got a pretty mature attitude towards strip clubs, and you don’t show any signs of acting irresponsibly at one, so I think she needs to meet you halfway here. As a couple, it’s more important to establish a habit of compromise than it is to establish a habit of bending to her will (for both of you).

However, if she won’t budge and you don’t want to just cut it off, you may have to be That Guy. You know, the one whose woman keeps his balls in her purse. Now, almost every group of male friends has a That Guy, so it’s not the worst thing in the world. You will endure (deserved) ridicule and abuse, but at the end of the day they’ll understand that you can’t go to the strip club with them.

But yeah, I’d recommend working on compromise.

Football: Not about fantasy, but what would be the most entertaining team to watch on Hard Knocks next summer?
-The Bod

I’m not sure it gets much better than Ocho, Tank, and Jordan Palmer. The Cowboys weren’t half as entertaining.

Dear Dick-Jokers,
Okay, I admit there’s no sex involved just yet. I’ve dated a girl for about four months, but since I’m supposedly “morally-correct” (well, not Christian though), nothing’s happening until we’re both 18. That’s still two months away, and the wait’s getting a little…tedious. Obviously, I do the typical things you’d expect out of a horny adolescent male, but even that gets off-colour at times. Do I just find some way to get through those two months, or do I say, “fuck it”, and ‘break things up’ a little early?

Pfffft, that ain’t shit. When you’re 17, a bush in the hand is better than two months chasing birds. Stick with your girl.

By the way: this week’s message from an old man to teenagers: DEVELOP SOME GODDAM PATIENCE. When you’re a teenager, pussy is SUPPOSED to be hard to get. The frustration you suffer along the way is part of the learning process that makes you better at dealing with women as the years progress.

Also, there’s something else rather pressing to my situation. I’ve realized over the last couple of months, that I’ve developed a serious crush on one of my English teachers. Actually, more so of a freaking infatuation. Logically, I’d rate her a solid 8 (guessing the typical male, but how would I know), to my girlfriend’s maybe marginal 7.5, but for some reason, since I seem to be of the few males who give “bonus points” to personality, she (the teacher) seems incredibly hot (at least 9), and personality might sneak my friend up to maybe 8. Now, rationally-speaking, I’m pretty sure it’s just one of those later-puberty things, and the teacher herself is like, 25. But I have a bad feeling that when I do break my abstinence, this shit’s going to interfere somehow. Should I really be fucking worrying about this, or do I just keep masturbating and assume this entire situation’s faded by the time two months are up?

Oh yeah? And just how is this “shit” with the teacher going to interfere? Once you’re 18 and getting laid, the grown woman with a college degree and a job is going to succumb to your teenage wiles? Dream on, Zack Morris. She didn’t get into teaching to meet younger guys.

Your teacher is just one of scores, hundreds, thousands of women you will want to sleep with and never, ever will. Masturbate and enjoy your imperfect woman when the time comes. That’s called living in the real world. It’s good practice for the rest of your life.

Fantasy: first-round playoffs matchup: gotta pick 3 WRs. I’m pretty certain on Boldin v Detroit. Then I have Wayne v Jacksonville and Vincent Jackson v Cincinnati, two nice matchups, but I’m getting doubts, because I see Antonio Bryant against Seattle’s shitty secondary, which could mean he could become playoffs part-Jesus for the second straight season. Then I start overthinking because with Wayne, he’s been seeing a ton of coverage and with Indy possibly doing their “rest the starters” shenanigans, while Jackson is up against two pretty good Bengals corners. Do I just do the “stick to my studs” thing? Or gamble on Bryant?
-ML

Eek. I’d like to say that yes, you are overthinking, but the fact is that you’re correct: Wayne has just 11 catches and 110 yards over his last three games, plus he has a bad foot and the Indy coaches are talking about shutting down the starters now that they have the #1 seed in the AFC locked up (and I certainly hope that’s the case, as I’m up against Peyton and Wayne on Unsilent Majority’s team in the semifinals this week). That said, Yahoo’s still projecting Wayne to get 4-5 more points than Bryant.

I don’t know. I think “dance with the date that brung ya” is probably the best move, because I’d rather be burned by my stars than get burned by a guy who sucks more often than not.

Dear Shit-Faced Cock Masters,
I’m a big fan of a box lunch at any time of day. I used to be a frequent diner, but over the years, the wife has not wanted me to yodel down the valley as often. I only get a dinner invite in the shower or immediately after because according to her she doesn’t feel clean. I’ve explained that I don’t care (don’t get me wrong, I don’t want a tuna melt, but it doesn’t have to be perfect). She still blows the trumpet so maybe I shouldn’t complain, but I’d still like a muffin with my coffee once in a while. Should I try buying some intimate wipes for her beforehand? …not exactly romantic foreplay but I have no better ideas.

WTF? Do you write for a women’s magazine? I appreciate a good food metaphor as much as the next guy, but you’re allowed to say “go down” and “eating pussy.”

A question for you: do you like eating pussy because you want to get her off, or do you like eating pussy simply for the sake of eating pussy? If it’s the former, then you need to bend to her wishes, because she’s not going to enjoy it unless she feels comfortable. If it’s the latter, then she needs to understand that you’re going down on her for YOUR enjoyment. You know how some women will go down on their man simply to please him even though they don’t personally love it? This is kind of like that, only all she needs to do is lie there.

Also, who do I start in my flex spot for my semifinals game this weekend? Quinton Ganther vs NYG, Justin Forsett vs TB, Fred Jackson vs NE or Robert Meachem vs Dal?
Keep Fucking That Chicken,
- Can’t Give Away a Mustache Ride

Forsett’s projected to score the most, and I’d say he’s probably the most reliable bet this week, although Meachem presents a tantalizing ceiling.

KSK:
We’ll start with sex: I just relocated to Austin and am in the process of moving in, leaving me with one big problem: I’m sleeping on a fucking cot. What are the chances of me getting laid without a bed? or How do I convince a girl that we can’t go back to my place?

You: “Let’s go back to your place.”
Her: “We can’t, because [some reason]. What about your place?”
You: “Well, I just moved in. All I have is a cot until I get settled.”

Maybe she’s a princess and doesn’t want to sleep in your cot. Maybe she’s drunk and horny and doesn’t care. Maybe you’ll genuinely like her, want to impress her, and leave with only her number and the promise of a date next week — and a driving reason to go purchase a bed.

Either way, possession of a bed is generally not the determining factor in whether you get laid. It’s not like women are all, “Oooohhh, I wanna fuck that guy. I hope he has a bed!”

Football: in 16 team standard head-to-head league, went 13-1-0, but have Rodgers, Jennings, and Grant v. PITT this week, not boding well for Round 1 of the playoffs since my opponent has Warner v. DET. My other receivers are Holmes, Collie, Cribbs, Breaston, Manningham, and N. Washington. What three WRs will get the most done? If it matters, my roster runs down like this: QB Rodgers, WR Jennings, Holmes, Cribbs, RB A. Peterson, Grant, TE Clark, K Kaeding, DEF Denver.
thanks,
a freaking boy scout in his own home.

After a slow start, Jennings has emerged as the go-to receiver over Driver, who’s fading down the stretch. Holmes’ll be fighting that tough Packers secondary. I’d go with Jennings, Collie, and Breaston against the woeful Lions.

Dear KSK,
Around the time my wife had our first kid, I went through that horrific months long sex drought that nobody really tells you about until you are about to go through it. It begins in the 8th month or so of pregnancy, when she’s irritable, depressed, and can’t get into any position, and continues after the kid pops out. Fortunately for me, beginning in the 3rd week after she gave birth, she was super turned on all the time, but because of the fact that a 9 pound human had come out of her body, she couldn’t get anything done DOWN THERE. What would get her off, though, was me nursing on her.

betty-barf

Exactly. At first I was like “hmmm, I dunno” but then I got really into it.

barf

I mean, it’s kind of an amazing experience, and I think the standard rule of thumb applies: if something you do turns your woman on, do it enough and it will really turn you on. So now I’m really into it as well. I’ve tried to ask a couple of my guy friends w/ kids if they’ve ever done it, and they all give me this “woah, hey, no way, man” look. I can’t be the only one, though, right? Am I? Or is this one of those every-guy-does-it-but-nobody-will-admit-it things? I need some answers here. Because if I’m the only one, I will feel 50% weird, and 50% like a goddam pioneer.
-Dave

You are 100% weird, 0% pioneer. However, I will grant you this: if it turns on both you and your wife, good for you both. But it’s kind of like if you and your wife got off by making snuff films. The rest of us don’t want to hear about it.

Dear KSK,
Fantasy: Playoffs begin this week and after purposely losing last week so I could avoid the vastly superior #2 seed in my league and play the #1 seed I’m feeling pretty good about my chances about moving onto the big stage. But just to be safe I’m coming to you guys for some advice. I have a lot of potentially good RBs that are killing me with decisions, for most of the season I have started Gore and Grant, and Grant has really fucked me over. Every time i start that fucker he plays like shit and the Packers refuse to go to him in the redzone and every time I bench him he has a monster game and his replacement gets hurt on the first play of the game (Leon Washington, Ladell Betts, and Sammy Morris have all been put in place of Grant on the week they were taken down early in the first quarter).

You fucking deserve that for starting Sammy Morris over Ryan Grant. Listen, with the exception of Zulu Cthulhu, most NFL players are human beings. They have good weeks and bad weeks. Ryan Grant is a #1 RB who gets almost all of his team’s carries. He’s the 11th-ranked fantasy rusher in the NFL. Don’t blame him because YOU’RE too retarded to stick with a solid back.

Anyway I need to start two running backs this week and my choices are Gore (@Phi) Grant (@Pit) Forsett (vs TB) Ganther (vs NYG) and Chris Jennings (@KC). At wide receiver I need to start three of these four Meachem (vs Dal) Hines Ward (vs GB) Steve Smith of the NYG (@Was) and Derrick Mason (vs Chi).

…that said, I might be tempted to play Gore and Forsett over Grant. Hey, nobody ever accused us of giving good advice.

WRs: Hines is likely going to hassled by Charles Woodson much of the day. I’d lean towards playing the other three.

Sex: The really attractive girl I’ve been pursuing for the last half of this semester had been showing plenty of interest so when I finally decided to ask her out I was feeling pretty confident, but it turns out she has a boyfriend. I was surprised to say the least and now I just feel like a huge fucking dumbass for wasting all of this time on one girl. Now I’ve got a long, cold winter break to have this on my mind while I wait to get back into the game. I guess I don’t really have a question, I guess I really just want to say fuck me right?
-NA

Wait, you wasted “all this time” on a girl who you didn’t realize has a boyfriend? Judging by how well you know her, methinks it wasn’t really all that much time. Wah wah. Go back to the end of the line. We’ve got people with actual problems to deal with.

Dear KSK,
Fantasy first: so I picked up Ganther when Slaton went on IR (fuck you steve slaton I hope you get super aids), but didn’t think I’d ever start him since I have Mendenhall and Moreno. Well I managed to make the playoffs despite 13 combined from those 2 worthless pieces of feces, while watching Ganther rack up 21 on the bench. So do a roll the dice and start him next week against my Giants crap fest defence (#firebillsheridan), or stick with Mendenhall against GB or Moreno against OAK?

Stick with Mendenhall and Moreno. Moreno’s up against the defense that allowed a scrub like Ganther to score 21 fantasy points.

Sex: Why does god make breast feeding boobs enormous and mesmerizing, while simultaneously making my wife feel murderous if I touch them?
-BM

Have you tried nursing from her? I’ve heard that works.

*plunges brain into the purifying flame of a chemical fire*

Dear Gang of Sex,
Football: Dallas Clark is the only tight end on my roster, but thanks to the Colts brain trust he’s probably getting shut down for the remainder of the season. Do I roll the dice with him at JAX or start whichever scrub I get off the waiver wire (ideally Fred Davis vs NYG, but other options include Kellen Winslow at SEA and Jeremy Shockey vs DAL)? Also, would you go with Hakeem Nicks at WAS or Kenny Britt vs MIA?

Jesus, you have those options on the wire in your league? I have to choose between Jermichael Finley, Kevin Boss, and John Carlson. Fuck you.

I don’t know. I like the way Fred Davis has been playing, but I’d wait until the last minute to see if I could get more info on whether that asshole Clark is playing. Motherfucker’s three TDs knocked my awesome team out of the playoffs last week. Is a heartbreaking fantasy loss grounds for justifiable homicide? I say yes.

Oh, and Nicks over Britt.

Sex: I’m about to move to the city where my college girlfriend lives. I’d say there’s better than 50-50 odds that she’d be interested in rekindling something with me. Of all my exes, I got along with her the best and it seems like we’re still very compatible. The problem is that we dated in college, and we both a lot of growing up to do. Our breakup was unpleasant; she did it out of the blue and I made an ass of myself. Should I get back with someone who was my best girlfriend ever but reminds me of what an idiot I was on college, or do I realize I’m in a big city and try for a fresh start.
-Fucked by Bill Polian

Take it slow. Don’t go directly back to her, but maintain open lines of communication. Just be a friend to her and do what comes naturally.

Dear Sages of Mysterious Woman Parts,
Sex: Recently many guys I work with have brought up the topic of squirting (pretty much no topic is off-limits where I work). They all are turned on by it. Most of their knowledge about squirting comes from seeing it done in porn, although one guy dated a girl who was a squirter and described the sex and squirting as “awesome.”

I seem to be the only guy who thinks it’s disgusting. I pointed out that even though I’m not a doctor, I’m pretty sure it’s just piss.

You’re definitely not a doctor, because it ISN’T piss. Your point of view is uninformed, ignorant, and antiquated.

They vehemently disagree.

Because they’re right.

I could probably figure this out myself, or do the obvious thing and go ask a girl, but I’d rather settle this in a public forum.

There’s nothing to settle. It isn’t piss, and your theory isn’t grounded in any kind of evidence.

So please set the record straight. Squirting: just girls losing control of their bladder when they climax OR some mysterious woman semen from an unknown source.

Sweet fucking Christ. It’s not an unknown source, it’s the paraurethral gland. How can you read a blog and use email, yet be completely incapable of using Google and Wikipedia?

Here’s the deal: some women have the ability to ejaculate a clear liquid during intense sexual arousal. In porn, it looks like pissing because it’s fluid shooting from a woman’s vagina. In real life, there’s generally a penis (or dildo) inside the vagina in question, and so the effect isn’t a female “money shot” but a sudden soaking of the partners’ genital areas. I happen to find it a turn-on to have my balls suddenly soaked in warm fluid, but some people don’t like that it can leave a huge wet spot on the bed.

The real lesson here, though, is that your coworkers are heroes for not attacking you with a stapler.

FF: No fantasy question really. Maybe you guys could give me some advice. I apparently suck at life because I can’t round up enough friends to start a league. Me and another guy I work with tried to get one started at our company, but couldn’t put together nearly enough people. Actually I probably could have gotten in on one of my friends league, but it’s populated by uber football dorks and their $250 buy-in was too steep for me.

I’m pretty much resigned to the fact that if I join or start a FF league it’s going to be with mostly strangers, however I still want to play with good people and be able to wager a modest amount of money (like $20-50). Yeah, I pretty much want the impossible. Any tips?
Regards,
Don’t Squirt On Me

I think $20-$50 is perfectly reasonable, and I agree that $250 is far too steep. This is just a theory, but perhaps more people would be interested in playing in a fantasy league with you if you didn’t spout uninformed theories based on watching porn that could easily be debunked by a simple Web search. Good luck, and Godspeed.