12.22.09
Jay Cutler has 25 interceptions, 25 excuses
After his three-interception performance against Baltimore on Sunday, Jay Cutler’s season total stands at 25. He’s on pace to throw the most INTs since Brett Favre uncorked 29 in 2005. Jay was kind enough to provide us with an explanation for each of his picks for far. I think we can agree that Jay is just a victim of cruel circumstance.
1. Receiver ran the wrong route.
2. Receiver gave up on the route.
3. Wrong route.
4. Sun.
5. Should’ve been caught.
6. There was mud and stuff on the ball. I asked the ref to wipe it off, but he just acted liked he didn’t hear me.
7. Isidore’s fault. He knows what he did.
8. Leon Hall talked all week about how bad he wanted an interception. Like he’s never even seen one before. I looked him dead in the eye when I threw it. I wanted him to know “See these things you prize more than life itself? I fling them around like they don’t mean a thing.” He acted like he couldn’t hear me, but I could tell he was devastated by my indifference.
9. Christ, I ordered the breadsticks and had them put on my bill—shouldn’t that mean I get one lousy breadstick to myself without having to share with Leopold.
10. Sun.
11. Obvious missed PI call.
12. Sun.
13. Clouds.
14. This ref totally fuckin’ hates me for no reason.
15. Seriously, Isidore. How hard is it to just pick up the fucking phone and call?
16. Wrong route.
17. You can’t go around laying blame for everything single that happens. I feel sorry for you, man. Always trying to compartmentalize everything’s into “Cut’s fault” and “not Cut’s fault.” Fact is, brother, sometimes things just happen that are beyond our control and no one’s to blame. Shit. Just. Happens. Deal with it, man. Oh plus Johnny Knox fell down again for no reason.
18. I completely overthrew this ball. See how I dip my shoulder right at the release? I’ve been making extra throws after practice for a couple of weeks and I think this screw up is a thing of the past. Like I always say, there’s almost nothing that a little hard work, a good attitude and a few more reps can’t fix!
19. “Oh hey I’m Greg Olsen and I’m a fucking dick who always messes shit up for Cut.”
20. Garza just lets his man through unblocked. I think Isidore has been texting him.
21. Tried telling coach this was a bad idea, but he just acted liked he didn’t hear me.
22. Fucking Pixies, man. Been touring again for years now, but still no new record. Fucking cockteases.
23. Should’ve been caught.
24. You have no how hard it is growing up in a town called Santa Claus, Indiana when the very idea of Christmas wants to make me puke my fucking guts out. Every year my parents would give me lots of expensive presents. But nothing can fill this void in my soul. This holiday makes me wish I was dead even more than the rest.
25. Wrong route.
![[image]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2009/10/LOL-SULKY-QB-150x150.jpg)
December 22nd, 2009 at 3:32 pm
It’s funny, you see, because the 4th interception was thrown during a night game.
December 22nd, 2009 at 3:35 pm
Pffft. Whatever.
*sulks over to UFL*
December 22nd, 2009 at 3:47 pm
#26: Kyle Orton couldn’t even throw it that far.
December 22nd, 2009 at 3:47 pm
the greg olson line killed me, nice work.
December 22nd, 2009 at 3:48 pm
Urlacher gave me aids, but, whatever.
December 22nd, 2009 at 3:52 pm
Megalomaniacal Melancholy was the name of the band he always wanted to start but was afraid to because he thought people just wouldn’t “get” what he was doing.
December 22nd, 2009 at 3:54 pm
He didn’t blame one of them on insulin? Man’s a trooper.
December 22nd, 2009 at 3:57 pm
Man, the Jay Cutler bits are right up there with Philip Rivers and Rex Ryan.
December 22nd, 2009 at 3:57 pm
Who’s Isidore?
December 22nd, 2009 at 4:03 pm
Greg Olson totally fucked up that threesome with his wife and Cut when he decided to stop j-ing it in the corner and get hands-on.
December 22nd, 2009 at 4:03 pm
But nothing can fill this void in my soul. This holiday makes me wish I was dead even more than the rest.
sulking cutler and emo iggles need a post, they can join forces to become the saddest trio in the history of anything ever.
December 22nd, 2009 at 4:03 pm
The balls had too much air in them.
The balls had too little air in them.
The laces were too tight.
They kept giving me left handed footballs when they know I throw righty.
December 22nd, 2009 at 4:04 pm
Is not a door, is a defensive back.
December 22nd, 2009 at 4:04 pm
I doubt even Drew Brees has any sympathy left for Culter.
December 22nd, 2009 at 4:07 pm
its hard not to throw picks when your eyes are constantly on the ground and shoulders are slouched.
/cutler brushes his zac efron hair to the side
/continues to stare at ground
December 22nd, 2009 at 4:10 pm
I must follow the inscrutable exhortations of my soul.
December 22nd, 2009 at 4:10 pm
That’s why you respect the sun.
December 22nd, 2009 at 4:14 pm
@ Garrett: If Olson’s sitting in the corner, is it really a threesome?
December 22nd, 2009 at 4:15 pm
He`s got 99 problems but a pick ain`t one.
December 22nd, 2009 at 4:19 pm
Rex Grossman only cost the Bears 1 first round draft pick, and he threw less INTs. Scary when you think about it.
December 22nd, 2009 at 4:26 pm
Isidore’s Bain
December 22nd, 2009 at 4:33 pm
“Well, I was trying to fly to Washington, but the Bears intercepted me”
December 22nd, 2009 at 4:45 pm
“I underthrew the receiver because my forearm is sore from mastering a Fall Out Boy song on Rock Band. Pete Wentz is an animal on bass. But, hey, I’m up to 98% on Expert. Whatever. Not that you care.”
December 22nd, 2009 at 5:11 pm
“Olsen’s wife hasn’t been putting out for me lately, so I threw one to punish him.”
December 22nd, 2009 at 5:12 pm
Johnny Knox just doesn’t have the foot speed to keep up with my Cutlerbombs so I have to make up for it by not throwing it as far then the DB gets in the way and decides that he’d rather have the ball even though the ball is not intended for him and Knox just keeps running instead of trying to slow down and come back to the ball and maybe make a play to stop the DB from intercepting it but instead he falls down haplessly and…another interception.
/why does god hate me?
//cuts thigh, tests blood sugar
December 22nd, 2009 at 5:14 pm
“KSK didn’t have Sexy Friday this week. You think I’m going to care about playing football like another conformist when there’s no gigantic weekend tits around?”
December 22nd, 2009 at 5:16 pm
I would give my pinkie finger to have Rex back on the team.
We’d have great KSK commentary for it.
We’d have a more fun game to watch in Chicago.
People would think I’m the only white Yakuza.
3 good reasons.
December 22nd, 2009 at 5:24 pm
Seriously though, 1 or 2 of those were blatant pass interference, not that I care what you think or what anybody thinks.
December 22nd, 2009 at 5:26 pm
THAT GIANT BALL OF SUPERHEATED GAS really came to play this year..
December 22nd, 2009 at 5:29 pm
So I’m drunk as shit last night when someone jokes that the Chargers should draft Jimmy Clausen..simply because that would give them the two biggest douchebags ever at the QB position (Rob Johnson – you’re off the hook!)
That led me to dream about a Chargers – Bears game where Rivers and Clausen are just cussing out Cutler while he plays.
For some reason this made perfect sense and I woke up with no hangover.
//glad he shared
December 22nd, 2009 at 5:33 pm
@miamidiesel Your girlfriend says hi and I will send her home Sunday so you can at least have have 1 day of weekend gigantic tits.
December 22nd, 2009 at 5:37 pm
25. Before the snap, looked up at the out of town scoreboard and saw the Raiders beat the Broncos in the final minute. Had a funny feeling in my stomach which made my lips tighten up in a weird way. It was so distracting that I threw it away, okay? God! Still felt weird walking back to the sidelines. Then Lovie asks me what I’m smiling about. I’m like, what the fuck is smiling? Earl says it’s called being happy or something. Whatever. Whatever it’s called it sucks.
December 22nd, 2009 at 5:44 pm
Completions are for conformists.
December 22nd, 2009 at 5:45 pm
+1Tracer.
Can also go with: “If you do the job badly enough, sometimes you don’t get asked to do it again”, whatever.
December 22nd, 2009 at 6:21 pm
Hey, all he can do is throw it up there. It’s the receiver’s job to fight the corners, linebackers and safeties for the ball.
December 22nd, 2009 at 6:28 pm
Fucking Pixies, man. Spreading their dust on the football which makes it hard to throw accurately
December 22nd, 2009 at 6:30 pm
“Oh hey I’m Greg Olsen and I’m a fucking dick who always messes shit up for fantasy owners.”
December 22nd, 2009 at 6:45 pm
#30: I was told you can’t outgunsling a gunslinger. The dipshit that told me that little jewel of information obviously attended the Phil Rivers Institute for Assmouths
December 22nd, 2009 at 6:53 pm
The Bears QB Fraternity totally went all Skull & Bones on me and told me to throw those picks.
December 22nd, 2009 at 6:56 pm
fucking Peyton burned out my sugar meter when he pushed me in a pool.
December 22nd, 2009 at 7:23 pm
26. The Map Room was out of Delirium Tremens and I had to settle for Delirium Nocturnum. In a bottle. Drove all the way to Wicker for nothing.
27. David Fincher’s use of “Where is My Mind” at the end of Fight Club was trite and predictable. Fucking plebeian.
28. Sluggo means SLANT AND GO, not slant and epic fail. God.
December 22nd, 2009 at 8:21 pm
31: Throwing the ball to my own team is so fucking conformist.
December 22nd, 2009 at 9:05 pm
Cutler : Am I going to walk around the sideline and rip your fucking headphones off, in the middle of a game? Then why the fuck are you walking right through? Ah-da-da-dah, like this in the huddle. What the fuck is it with you? What don’t you fucking understand? You got any fucking idea about, hey, it’s fucking distracting having somebody walking up behind Hester in the middle of the huddle? Give me a fucking answer! What don’t you get about it?
Lovie Smith: I was looking for a quarterback.
Cutler: Ohhhhh, goooood for you. And how was it? I hope it was fucking good, because im the quarterback now, aren’t I?
/Fucking ass
// Also thanks for a shit running game, glad I drafted Forte…fuck
December 22nd, 2009 at 9:31 pm
I’d simply say fuck Cutler, except I’ve been spending so much time reading this site lately that the phrasing now looks backwards.
December 22nd, 2009 at 10:25 pm
I love living in Chicago but not being a Bears fan, their failures make everyone here hilariously angry and sulky.
December 22nd, 2009 at 10:44 pm
If Shanahan was my HC I’d complete every pass.
December 23rd, 2009 at 12:17 am
#26 My entire I’ve dreamed in secret of playing defense, and the closest I’ll ever get is trying to tackle a defensive back who’s running with the ball in my direction.
December 23rd, 2009 at 7:13 am
I can tell you from experience that Santa Claus, Indiana is as shitty as you might expect.
December 23rd, 2009 at 8:50 am
ah, remember when Cut was the velvet cannon? Good times.
December 23rd, 2009 at 11:51 am
Cutler: The first 5 interceptions were the worst. And the next 5: they were the worst, too. Then the next 5 I didn’t enjoy at all. After that, I went into a bit of a decline.
December 23rd, 2009 at 12:06 pm
31. Liberty Medical didn’t deliver Diabetes supplies on time. Fuck you, Wilford Brimley. Whatever.
December 23rd, 2009 at 3:50 pm
My bangs got in the way, brah. Fucking Windy City.
December 24th, 2009 at 5:10 am
Last Christmas, we got Goth Aaron Rodgers. This Christmas, I think #24 is setting up nicely for a Cutlerfucker/Goth Rodgers KSK Khristmas Krossover!
December 25th, 2009 at 1:55 am
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December 25th, 2009 at 3:27 pm
Cutler: These new athletic cups are way too big. I’m always banging around down there and it hurts. Why can’t they order me just a few Snuggler-Cups?
December 28th, 2009 at 11:36 pm
26. I was looking for johnny knox. i forgot he was just injured