howie-long

Hey you! Looking to buy a vehicle, huh? Well I got a MANLY truck right here that can haul up to eight iron barbecues cooking fresh bison I just killed with my compound bow. It doesn’t have any of your girly frills like a steering wheel warmer or “man-step” or–

(cell phone rings)

Hold on, I gotta take this.

Hello? … Pretty good. Just squaring away some fags who want to buy some pussy-ass sedans… Sure, go ahead… You WHAT?!? …  Fuel efficiency?!?! … You gotta be fuckin’ kiddin’ me… Oh Christ… Yeah… Uh huh… Uh huh… Fine. Whatever… No, a contract’s a contract… Sure. Go fuck yourself.

(hangs up)

(puts on glasses)

So! Where were we? Car shopping! Right! As I was saying — No, this truck here isn’t mine, ha ha! I have this totally badass Chevy Silverado here as an example of, uh, what not to buy. UNLESS you want the most fuel efficient truck on the market! 20 miles per gallon on the highway! That’s a lot, right?

But what YOU need is something even MORE fuel efficient! In today’s market, a fuel efficient vehicle is the best way for me to get to my various masculine activities like football practice and weight lifting and fucking your wife because you can’t satisfy her. When you’re driving all over town to fill up gash, you don’t want to have to stop and fill up for gas, am I right?

WHAT? You’re thinking about an import? Just because they’re cheaper and better made? Well guess what, fucko:

Not only does Consumer’s Digest get a big throbbing efficiency hard-on for the Cobalt, but so do Juggs and Black Tail. Don’t believe me? Go ahead, check my porn collection. I leave it out in my living room even when I have your sister over, because I don’t give a fuck. I’m a MAN.

But no, go ahead and get that Prius. They’re great cars. For cruising men in West Hollywood on your way to a gay wedding.

(sighs)

This sucks. I miss the old days.