Hey you! Looking to buy a vehicle, huh? Well I got a MANLY truck right here that can haul up to eight iron barbecues cooking fresh bison I just killed with my compound bow. It doesn’t have any of your girly frills like a steering wheel warmer or “man-step” or–
(cell phone rings)
Hold on, I gotta take this.
Hello? … Pretty good. Just squaring away some fags who want to buy some pussy-ass sedans… Sure, go ahead… You WHAT?!? … Fuel efficiency?!?! … You gotta be fuckin’ kiddin’ me… Oh Christ… Yeah… Uh huh… Uh huh… Fine. Whatever… No, a contract’s a contract… Sure. Go fuck yourself.
(hangs up)
(puts on glasses)
So! Where were we? Car shopping! Right! As I was saying — No, this truck here isn’t mine, ha ha! I have this totally badass Chevy Silverado here as an example of, uh, what not to buy. UNLESS you want the most fuel efficient truck on the market! 20 miles per gallon on the highway! That’s a lot, right?
But what YOU need is something even MORE fuel efficient! In today’s market, a fuel efficient vehicle is the best way for me to get to my various masculine activities like football practice and weight lifting and fucking your wife because you can’t satisfy her. When you’re driving all over town to fill up gash, you don’t want to have to stop and fill up for gas, am I right?
WHAT? You’re thinking about an import? Just because they’re cheaper and better made? Well guess what, fucko:
Not only does Consumer’s Digest get a big throbbing efficiency hard-on for the Cobalt, but so do Juggs and Black Tail. Don’t believe me? Go ahead, check my porn collection. I leave it out in my living room even when I have your sister over, because I don’t give a fuck. I’m a MAN.
But no, go ahead and get that Prius. They’re great cars. For cruising men in West Hollywood on your way to a gay wedding.
(sighs)
This sucks. I miss the old days.
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Skim 172: Except that Toyota spent billions developing the new full-size Tundra, and the F-150 + Silverado outsell it about 10-1…an epic fail from a company that usually doesn’t.
Matchup I want to see: Cowher’s jaw and Howie’s jaw in a lantern-off.
If I was an advertising agency, I’d be currently negotiating a deal between Chris Long and Toyota, just to break daddy’s heart.
/if you wanna mess with the bull, don’t go for the horns – hold its young captive without demands, just to savor the agony.
fucking consumer’s digest.
i used to work for them, right up until they went bankrupt. the brand name was purchased and is now “awarded” to whoever pays up. notice how just about every small car is a consumer’s digest best buy? this award means nothing.
funny: consumer’s digest was owned by a dude named randy weber. he and his brother lou hate each other, so lou started a magazine called consumer guide. you know, to be a total dick.
@Mike D:
Both would end up with bruised pelvic bones due to the other’s preposterously jutting chin.
Oh and @Safetydan for that mailbag question…
Basically the guy was a little bitch, had insecurities because the girl drove a bad-ass pickup, and he rode a little saturn coupe. Nothing wrong with a saturn coupe, but he was a real whiner about it. And then apparently the girls truck tried to move a dead deer, but he got sprayed with deer guts. Which was hilarious. And he started crying and shit…
He was a bitch, they broke up. Yay jesus. Girl with truck can come and tear my lawn up anytime.
My first exposure to Howie Long’s manlyness, and dear god consider me impressed. After scouring through the annals of KSK history, I found myself deeply intrigued with Howie’s long hard rants about big thick trucks.
Howie Long and Bill Cowher could 69 each other and it would be the manliest, most hetero-sexual thing the world has ever seen.
I’ve been driving a Silverado 1500 W/T for six years, and it hasn’t ever given me any whiff of a problem. I freaking love that truck.
I second Crosshare here: Howie vs Dennis is a must.
Poor Howie. He’s got a point on the Prius, but in fairness I bet that Silverado piece of shit doesn’t look so manly when he has to get out and push it.
@SafetyDan: Yeah. Said girl drove a badass truck and said fag fucker drove a Saturn. I think they broke up. Mostly because he had to go back to getting his mountain brokeback’d or something.
Crossbows are where the action’s at.
no longbows?
Can we get an update on that chicks’ truck or what?
Oh, so you’ve got glasses on now?
/makes wanking motion
I’m sorry, you probably need to see where you’re disposing of your used femine sanitary napkin
I’m more into Brian Bosworth movies.
@ Gino:
Broken Arrow
Hey, everybody, shout out your favorite Howie Long movie on three! One…Two…
Canyanaro!
I’m still waiting for the Howie Long vs Dennis Leary epic truck showdown.
Just wanted to say that compound bows are for pussies. Get a recurve or long bow if you want hair on your chest.
You can’t have gay weddings in California anymore, as I fully expected KSK to know.
More like Bang Camaro.
He’s right about one thing: it’s easier to rail a woman in a truck than it is on a Prius.
Specially if that woman is your mom!
/got nothing else
//sees self out
“They’re great cars. For cruising men in West Hollywood on your way to a gay wedding.”
You have to admit, the man has a point here.
You know it’s killing him deep down that he’s contractually obligated to keep shilling for Socialist Muslim Gubmint Motors. Don’t think that Howie doesn’t know the EPA is actually a secret Communist plot; he knows.
Hey, now. This is a vast improvement. While this commercial has its problems, at least it doesn’t feature the prominent display of Howie’s “big girl seat.” Hypocrisy and logical non sequiturs are always preferable to suggestions of pedophilia.
http://media.photobucket.com/image/big%20girl%20seat%20howielong/boogie9696/TFTB_com/BigGirlSeat.jpg
The fact that Howie Long played a cameo as a homosexual in “That Thing You Do”does not help this joke.
Howie needs to make FIRESTORM 2. Or a film version of the Jason Elim penned – BLOWN COVERAGE. Long would make a fine silver-screened Riley Covington.
Is it me or does Howie Long look like he’s trying out for the lead in a Michael Biehn biopic? This is my Terminator pose!
Here, hold this end of the tape measure while I measure my manhood. You don’t think the nips can measure up to this, do you?
Didn’t we have a mailbag about some girl, her boyfriend’s faggy sedan and a horse or am I confusing KSK with my porn collection again?
Thanks UU.
Now I’m off to the zoo. Retards beware.
“Oh, you want to buy a Toyota Tundra? Well, riddle me this: What do those Japanese shitheads know about not having tiny dicks?”
Hey hey hey…..I’m all for free speech and shit, but you crossed that line when you violated the sacred trust GM invested in us all by using this when they CLEARLY wrote “Use of this spot without written approval of GM is prohibited!” at the bottom.
Dirty Pool young man!
that was for you Slothrop
BITCHIN CAMARO, BITCHIN CAMARO
I ran over my neighbors
BITCHIN CAMARAO, BITCHIN CAMARO
Now it’s in all the papers.
How many times do you think Howie Long gave to the Teri Hatcher in front of the whole film crew when they were shooting those stupid Radio Shack commercials (in which as I recall Howie drove some kind of defunct Chevy sports car)?
I’m totally gonna have my dad drive me up one from the Bahamas.
I wouldn’t fuck with Howie Long no matter what faggy sedans he’s doing comercials for.
Thank you for brining this bit back. One of the funniest on this site.