Wade: Oh dear. Another December stumble. Ol’ Jerry is gonna be fit to be tied. I know it for sure. I should clear out of here as quickly as possible before he pops in to give me heaping helping of griefy gravy. Then he’ll have that smarmypants Princeton boy poking fun at me like he’s God’s gift to this world. Well, y’know what? Some of this is his fault too. Then for some reason that cornerback that we cut last year will appear and tell us how he’s gonna drink.
I reckon I’m not much in the mood to deal with that nonsense right now. We’ve had a good season, dagnabbit! One measly loss don’t mean nothing to us. This December jinx business is all a big ballyhoo to sell papers. What does one month of the year mean to us? If these people really knew football they’d know it’s all a big coincidence.
Anyway, gotta move, gotta move! Quickquickquick!
But first: I’m gonna need a little snack for the road to tide me over to suppertime. The wife’s making the casserole. Not the favorite. Let’s see what we got.
[Fumbles through desk drawers]
Now & Laters? Those won’t do. They hurt my teeth. That’s really some last ditch snacking right there. Ooooooh! What’s this? No, it can’t be. IT IS! Sno Ball snack cakes! How did you hide from me so long? Ol’ Wade is gonna snack good today.
Uh oh, footsteps!
[Door flies open]
Philip Rivers: Ya betta ask somebodddddddaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy!
Wade: What? Who let you in here?
Rivers: [Mocking tone] Intruder! How did you get by my many vending machines?
I LET MYSELF IN, YOU BULBOUS TIED DOWN CHOW HOUND! Do I need your permission to go where I please? Do I wake up in the middle of the night after knocking up the wife for the tenth time and think to myself “Hey King Laserdick wants to go drain the snake. I don’t know. I should ask Bubblestiltskin if it’s okay.” Is that what you think I do? Is it? WHAT? HUH? WHAT? FUCK YOU!
Wade: You, sir, are being very rude.
Rivers: Would ya look at that! THE LADY DOTH THINK ME DISCOURTEOUS! Just think how bad it’s going to be on Sunday when I’m storming up and down your big gay Texas sideline slinging shittalk after your secondary loses patience waiting for my kingly floats to find their way into receiver hands. Then I’m jam one cleat in Romo’s whore mouth and another up his ass, so my shoes can click the snap count somewhere in his torso. Then I’ll throw cover on your harlot tassel cheerleaders who are tempting the menfolk with their lack of dress.
And that’s just me getting warmed up.
Wade: I’m calling security. [Dials phone] You’re gonna be sorry, mister.
[Door flies open]
Jerry: YEEEEEHAW!!!! YEEEEEEEHAW!!!! FAILURE TO PAUNCH GETTING A TALKING-TO BY AN ORNERY SUMBITCH!
Wade: Sir, the opposing team’s quarterback is in my office berating me.
Jerry: I know he is, Blunder Thighs. I invited him.
Wade: You did what?
Rivers: HE SAID HE FUCKING INVITED ME, YOU TOO-FAT-TO-WALK RASCAL-RIDING RECTAL PROLAPSE! You know what the fuck invite means? It means come on down to my place as a welcome guest and tear my worthless coach a new hole to eject his ass taffy. If Texas didn’t only used the printed word on Denny’s placemats I’d find you a Cutlerfucking dictionary to look it up.
Jerry: HHHHHOOOOOOOO WEEEEEEEEE! THIS CALIFORNIA FAGGOT CAN REALLY BRING THE NOISE! I like the boy’s style. If Romo weren’t already a GODDAMN STAR, I’d buy him up in a showdown second.
Wade: I really don’t see the benefit in this.
[Door is primly opened and shut quietly]
Garrett: Ahem. Hmmm. Yes. I could see how someone of such limited capacity for reason could miss the intent of my canny stratagem. You see, this bawdy fellow and his team have been quite the antithesis of our own in the month of December. Whereas we falter – a faltering I credit solely to your shortcomings – his team thrives late in the season. It is obvious to even the dimmest of wits that we are the showy buds of earliest spring, whereas his flower stays efflorescent well into the torrid months of summer.
Rivers: What this pretentious ginger dick is saying is WE DON’T FUCKING CHOKE!
Jerry: YEAH CHOKOZUNA! HE GETS THE JOB DONE! YOU COULD LEARN FROM THIS MAN!
Garrett: Indubitably. Therefore, we gathered that a firsthand observation of his crass demeanor and churlish tactics would give us insight into the successful December player. Now it is clear that we must teach our players to be as disrespectful to you as humanly possible. Perhaps a demonstration is in order.
[Rivers grabs a package of Sno Balls and throws them in the air where they hang until their expiration date expires in 2034]
Wade: Oh no! [Meekly attempts to jump and snatch them] Now I’ll be stuck with casserole.
Garret: Your work here is done, my good sir.
Rivers: FUCK YOU! [Leaves]
Jerry: I TELL YOU WHAT – THAT IS ONE MOTHERFUCKING STRAIGHT SHOOTER! I wouldn’t mind him playing in Jerrah World one day. BUT IF YOU LOSE TO HIM I’LL RIP YOUR TONGUE OUT AND STAPLE IT IN YOUR ASSHOLE SO YOU’LL TASTE ALL YOUR FOOD COMING AND GOING!
Wade: This sucks.
Jerry: YAAAAAHAAAABBADADOOOOWAAAA! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWW! I AM FUCKING CRAZY!
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news & humor before everyone else.