peter-king

What blows my mind about some of these higher-profile journalists is that they seem to get totally pissed whenever anyone makes an argument about them. By their logic, writers can question the people in the sport they cover, speculate aloud about how they should bolster their image or spend their money…but no one can give them the same treatment? To that, I say “F THAT S.” And to Peter King, I say, “Take down your shorts and stretch over that table.” Yep, it’s that time of the week.

Fourteen things you need to know on the heels of Week 14:
1. The 16-0 talk is radioactive.

Radioactive? Like cell phone use radioactive? Or Holy Shit Time To Jump Into An Old-Timey Refrigerator radioactive? There’s a difference! Are we in danger? Should I call my mother?

It’s almost like going undefeated, and talking about going undefeated, is going to turn your season to dust.

I’m not calling my mother. I would have had to use my cellphone, anyway.

No one wants to touch it.

That’s what she said.

The Colts clinched homefield advantage throughout the AFC playoffs with their 28-16 win over the Broncos Sunday, and they’ll almost certainly begin the process of resting their veterans Thursday night at Jacksonville.

I never understood this. Every year the Colts clinch, they start resting players in Weeks 16 and 17. And every fucking year they do it they get bounced in the first round. The year that they won the Super Bowl, they were a 3-seed, and they had to finish their season like MEN, gawdammit! Who gives a shit how fresh your players are if they’re only playing one more game?

For now, let’s examine the path that each undefeated team has to perfection (And congratulations to the Colts for two terrific achievements: setting the NFL mark for consecutive regular-season wins at 22, and for most wins in a decade at 114.):

Let’s not. Because nothing rides my ass more than this “Most X In A Decade Stat.” If you happen to know the asshole that came up with this stat, do me a favor and PUNCH HIM IN THE BALLS. Of course, I’m assuming it’s a man. Because women suck at math, like many other things.

2. Bill Belichick has one of the biggest challenges of his coaching career on his hands, and how he handles it will go a long way in determining the 2009 fate of the Patriots.

Best friend’s wife? Or neighbor’s wife? Neither one is really that hot.

You have only one receiver, Wes Welker, who can get open against man coverage when Moss is a bum like this … Your tight ends are useless as receivers …

And you’re urinating more frequently than usual!

3. You’ve got to like Tom Brady trying to put the pressure for the Patriots’ performance down the stretch on his shoulders.

I love it when the highest-paid player on a team actually makes an effort!

5. I’d be shocked if Tom Coughlin didn’t rip up his defensive staff after the season, or at least replace defensive coordinator Bill Sheridan.

“Bill, this isn’t Chapstick! It’s Revlon fire engine red! And stop dousing me with rouge!” This is how Drew does it, right?

10. Demarcus Ware is fine, relatively speaking, after that scary collision.

He’s not permanently paralyzed! Yet!

11. Someone throw a life preserver to Wade Phillips.

It’s much more fun to watch ol’ Wade drown. Seriously, shouldn’t he have been fired like three years ago? It’s hard to feel sorry for that guy, especially one that had the great idea of making his starting quarterback his holder on field goals again.

12. Ndamukong Suh is the best defensive player to come out of college football this decade. As I said on “Football Night in America” last night, I spoke with the GMs of both one-win teams this weekend — Billy Devaney of the Rams, Mark Dominik of the Bucs — and there’s little doubt that Suh will be at the top of the draft boards of both teams.

As soon as they figure out how to spell his name. Johnny Cash would be proud. Until he realized that this boy named Suh has a bit of a tan on him.

13. I owe Jerry Jones a mea culpa.

Is two fingers in the ass? Or three? No, wait. I think “Mea” is italian for “thumb up the ass, while tickling the genitals with outstretched fingers.”

Remember back in August, when Tennessee punter A.J. Trapasso hit the low-hanging video board at Jerry Jones’ new stadium in Arlington? And I said afterward the punters in the NFL would use the thing for target practice, and it’d be a nightmare for the league?

You say all kinds of shit, Pete. It’s hard to keep track of all of it sometimes.

Since Trapasso nailed it (and then bragged it would happen often), visiting punters have had 48 punts and McBriar 38. That’s 86 punts. And nothing.
 
 
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Oh, sorry. That was an illustration of “nothing.”

14. Stadium blues in Minnesota. Want to know why the Minnesota Vikings have a tough fight on their hands to get a new stadium built?

An airborne North American strand of Nordic AIDS?

Politics.

Eh, I was close.

For the first time in more than 20 years in Minnesota, the governor, lieutenant governor, 134 state representatives and 67 state senators will all be up for election in the same year, 2010, without a presidential or U.S. Senate election next November. That means the focus of the entire state will be on the state, not divided between Washington and Minnesota. Those 203 politicians are in no mood to foot much of the bill for a new sporting venue.

Politicians hate spending money! Especially on frivolous things!

Quote of the Week I
“I would turn in all three Super Bowl rings and my Hall of Fame bust for one undefeated season.”
– Michael Irvin, on NFL Network’s Sunday morning pregame show.
My one question for you, Mike: Have you lost your mind?

Since 1965, 43 teams that have won Super Bowls. Only one has played a complete season without losing.

Defensive Player of the Week
Brian Orakpo, OLB, Washington.
Who’d have thought Orakpo would have rushed the pass more productively in the first 13 games of his rookie year than Demarcus Ware, Julius Peppers and LaMarr Woodley? By the measure of sacks, he has. His four-sack day at Oakland (sacks for losses of nine, nine, nine and 10 yards) gave him 11 for the year.

Nine, nine, nine? What are you, German? Do I care about yardage lost on every sack? I surely don’t.

Enjoyable/Aggravating Travel Note of the Week
Aaaah, Manhattan at the holidays. Though crowded, it is beautiful here. And fragrant. On Sunday morning, as I puttered away at this column and made and received a few Ndamukong Suh-related phone calls at a midtown Starbucks, a disheveled man with some OCD tendencies (continually straightening his straggly hair, checking his watch every half-minute) sat down next to me. He took off his parka, then a lighter coat underneath it, and then pulled a deodorant stick from the pocket of the parka, uncapped it, and put it underneath his shirt, applying it to first his left underarm and then his right.

Well, hello neighbor.

If he had that airborne North American strand of Nordic AIDS, you’re totally fucked.