peterking

When last we left Christmas lard loaf Peter King, Punter was ably handling the duties of mocking The Porcine Dream. With Drew off vacationing with his adoring family (GET ME SIX SALMON POLOS FOR CHRISTMAS OR THE FAMILY IS DISBANDED!) within the Keebler Elf forest, the task falls to this humble ape to give you the PK mockery you will no doubt find lacking due to lack of Drew. At least there’s plenty of PK Favre and Romo apologizing to savage. Onward!

Into the gym bag at the foot of his locker in the emptied-out Superdome as Saturday turned into Sunday, Romo stuffed his possessions for the trip home after the biggest win of his young NFL career. Dallas 24, previously unbeaten New Orleans 17. If you saw it, you know it wasn’t an upset.

But if you saw any other NFL game this season, you’d know that it was.

In the middle of the gym bag, a slightly scuffed NFL football peeked out.

“Game ball?” I asked.

“Yup,” he said, and smiled. “I’ll be keeping that one for a while.”

Like, forever.

Really, Peter? I assumed by “a while” he meant he would hold onto it long enough until he could burn it in the parking lot, thus freeing Rictus, the pagan god of smiles from the cruel oddly shaped vessel in which he’s been entombed for millennia. Did he specifically tell you “forever”? If not, that’s more speculation than I’d like to see from a journalist. If that ball shows up on eBay after Romo’s fifth rehab visit, I’ll have harsh words, sir.

We have a tendency in micro-examining this game to make judgments too fast on players at difficult positions to judge — such as quarterback.

Or such as whichever position is occupied by the player I’m currently trying to apologize for.

A month ago, after two playoff games and 50 starts, Romo, a free-agent from Eastern Illinois in the eye of the constant America’s Team storm, either couldn’t rise to the occasion when times were big, couldn’t win in December, couldn’t win in January, was a bad leader because he took occasional quiet trips to Las Vegas, or … well, does that about sum up the shortcomings of Tony Romo?

SI copy editor: “Peter, I’m gonna go ahead and remove this part where you say Romo’s fisting technique ‘while satisfying, is less technically proficient than you’d like to see from an NFL QB.’ I don’t think your readers need to know that.”

I’m going to take you to the moment when, in my opinion, we all just might draw the line of demarcation on Romo’s career when we look back in 10 years.

Can we draw another one when he throws three picks in a first-round playoff loss in Arizona?

I think it came Saturday night in a place so raucous that even the nuns were standing and screaming. Yes, nuns attend the Saints’ games — eight of them. They’re friends of owner Tom Benson, and they and three local monsignors come to most of the home games. There they were, in the crowd of 70,213, and midway through the fourth quarter all the locals were howling at the roof, and it was so loud, as I wrote Saturday night, that you couldn’t read sign language.

/finds person fluent in sign language
//has them sign “you’re a clueless cock disposal bin whose jokes don’t make sense” at Peter King
///kicks dirt when PK reminds me it’s too loud to understand the message

One other interesting thing about Romo Saturday night: He said he does a lot of Sudoku. I told him he ought to try crosswords, but that would necessitate him listening to NPR on the way to work or watching the news semi-regularly. But that wouldn’t fit his lifestyle, because he finds the best thing for him is to pretty much shut out the outside world.

I can already see PK shoving the New York Times crossword based on one of his columns in Romo’s face and demanding he try to solve the puzzle of his heart.

Romo: “I like maths.”

“It’s just best for me to put what everyone says and writes about us to the side,” he said. “Like, I have no idea what you’ve written about me or said about me on TV. Have you been critical? I don’t know. I don’t care. It’s all good. You’ve got a job to do, and sometimes that’s going to entail being critical about us. But I just find it’s best for me if I don’t know any of it.”

Shit. You mean Romo’s smart enough to not read Peter King? And he just told him he doesn’t care what he writes? That’s more likability than I need out of him.

OK, start the e-mails coming now. Texts, Tweets, e-mails, whatever. But here’s how I saw last night’s Viking debacle: Not Brett Favre’s fault.

But in the middle of the Minnesota ineffectiveness, the NBC cameras caught a semi-heated exchange

“You only put this exchange in the microwave for three minutes. The box says seven, you mindless fuck!”

between Favre and coach Childress. Evidently, it was Childress suggesting that maybe it was time for a relief pitcher. Maybe. (Two weeks ago, I was told Childress had suggested this once before this season, and Favre went batcrap then.)

Gee. Perhaps that’s a nugget of info that would be of interest to your readers. Nope. ROMO’S SODOKU SCORE TRUMPS THAT!

Last night, there was no change. But Favre seemed peeved about it after the game.

“So I said, ‘I’m staying in the game, I’m playing.’ I don’t know if [Childress' effort] was exactly to protect me, or we had seven points, I’m not sure. That’s his call. But we talked it out. We didn’t have time, I didn’t have time to sit there and say why or what. My response was, we’ve got to win this ballgame and I want to stay in and do whatever I can.”

Oh, the awesome, incomprehensible power that Chilly wields.

Never let it be said that no one ever learns anything from Peter King columns. For instance, I just learned that Minnesota is definitely losing its first playoff game. Thanks, PK!

You recall last year when Favre had the Jets 8-3 after 11 games, then fell apart in December. Could it happen again? Sure it could.

Will it? I don’t know. Can you train muskrats to program your DVR? I don’t know. Does a malbec pair well with human brains? I don’t know.

But last year happened because of an injury. Favre’s sore this season but not hurt, by all accounts.

Does he still have the old? That can mess you up, too.

We haven’t talked much about Chris Henry (who was on IR with a broken arm suffered in November) as a football player, but the one thing I’ll always think is that he could have been Alvin Harper.

Suddenly the Chris Henry death seems a mite bit less tragic.

The only lesson here, I think, is that some players, particularly those with troubled pasts or those who didn’t have great mentoring growing up, need the structure and discipline that well-run pro organizations can provide.

Which is probably why they shouldn’t play for the Bengals.

If ever a team won by losing, it was Cincinnati on Sunday.

Ugh. I’ll take three hundred more pages of Romo and Favre apology before having to digest another line as painfully cloying and meaningless as that one. Yes, the Bengals emerged triumphant by competitively losing a game that would have greatly changed the course of the rest of their season. Chris Henry sheds a tear from heaven that becomes the snowflake on my nose.

Is Daniel Snyder actually changing?

No.

So we’ll see, as I said. As for now, I expect the Redskins to hire Mike Shanahan, and for Shanahan to bring in his own coaching staff — including, as Chris Mortensen reported over the weekend, his son, current Houston offensive coordinator Kyle Shanahan, as offensive coordinator. I think Mike Shanahan would be energized by the Redskins and by working with Allen, a man as secretive and with the kind of football pedigree he likes, even if it means he has to use this year’s first-round pick to find a quarterback instead of building the offensive line, which the Redskins definitely need to do.

So basically, the Redskins aren’t changing at all. Good to know. CLAUSEN! CLAUSEN! CLAUSEN!

/laughs at Unsilent

Cribbs is a smart kid. I’m not saying a calculating kid

So he’s not Asian?

but he does know what makes a team go.

Chemistry! The petrol of teams!

3. New Orleans (13-1). Past three weeks: Foes 77, Saints 76. Now the question is, how will the Saints respond to adversity?

4. Minnesota (11-3). Past three weeks: Foes 66, Vikings 54. Now the question is, how will the Vikes respond to adversity?

Past three weeks: Adversity 74, Hardship 82. Now the REAL question is, how can I use repeat phrasing to make a point?

7. Cincinnati (9-5). These are not your father’s lay-down Bengals.

Yeah, dad! Get with the times! The slugabed Bengals of yesteryear have given way to a mighty behemoth that has lost to playoff teams in back-to-back weeks! Also, quit listening to Rod Stewart when I’m in the car with you.

11. Green Bay (9-5). Saints, Vikes, Pack. Maybe three of the four best teams in the NFL two days ago, but now with gigantic weekend zits.

Hopefully this will inspire a “gigantic weekend tits” theme for Sexy Friday. BUT ONLY IF YOU BEHAVE FOR SANTA UFFORD!

“Pretty fun. I’ll bet you all counted us out too.”
– Oakland coach Tom Cable, to reporters, after JaMarcus Russell came off the bench to throw the winning touchdown pass in the final minute of another stunning victory by the Raiders, 20-19 at Denver.

“I bet you let a little something like a 5-9 record distract you from the fact that we are Miami-bound, baby! You fools.”

“These shoulders that I have on my body, you can put the earth on it. Just to let you know: I bounce back.”
– New England wide receiver Randy Moss, who had a strong bounce-back game in New England’s 17-10 win at Buffalo — five catches, 70 yards, one touchdown — after accusations of dogging it last week.

“Randy Moss Shrugged,” the preferred tome of conservative Massholes everywhere

Coach of the Week

Jason Garrett, offensive coordinator, Dallas.

“Fancy that. Edward, send a Telex to this oaf inviting him to one of our sumptuous eatings.”

Garrett had no problem with having Miles Austin, John Phillips and Sam Hurd be Romo’s targets on consecutive plays with the season on the line. That’s trusting your roster.

Whereas most coaches would have been content to call the exact same play nine times in a row. THAT’S THE PRINCETON DIFFERENCE!

MVP Watch

5. Darrelle Revis, CB, New York Jets. Well, Matt Ryan didn’t throw that dagger-in-the-gut, winning touchdown against the New York Jets at Revis, who had Roddy White covered. That’s because you just don’t throw at Revis this year.

And he has great weekend skin!

This was the first non-QB on the list he’s had in weeks, I believe. And Revis is a great player, no doubt. BUT WHERE THE FUCK IS CHRIS JOHNSON? Of course, Favre isn’t going anywhere, even though he hasn’t posted a QB rating above the 70s throughout December.

Enjoyable/Aggravating Travel Note of the Week

I love the legroom on JetBlue. I love the satellite TV on JetBlue. I’ve come to the conclusion that the only reason I don’t fly JetBlue and AirTran (with the WiFi) more often is the airline points. That’s going to be my New Year’s Resolution: Be more comfortable when I fly, not just points-minded. Well, one of my New Year’s Resolutions.

PK’s other New Year’s Resolutions:
1. Get better at making lists
1a. Walk more often
2c. Get the Normans walking
3. Cease e-mail correspondence with bloggers
D. Initiate e-mail correspondence with blog commenters
5. Acquire weekend skin cream
5f. Make Avatar joke in March

Ten Things I Think I Think

g. Aaron Rodgers, 26 of 48, 383, three touchdowns. Ho-hum.

Brett Favre, 17 of 27, 224 yards, no touchdowns and one interception. A GOD AMONG GODS!

2. I think, apropos of nothing football, I just thought of something at 4:38 a.m. while listening to “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For,” on ITunes, and thought you might find it interesting. When I went to see U2 in Dallas in October, Tiger Woods was in the house at Jerry Jones’ new stadium, and when the first few chords of “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” were played, Bono said, “This is for you, Tiger Woods.” Eerie, no?

Not unless Bono later fucked Tiger Woods.

5. I think Ben Roethlisberger was almost an afterthought, despite throwing for 503 yards. That’s because of the crazy decision Mike Tomlin made — I believe emboldened by what Bill Belichick did on fourth-and-two in Indianapolis.

I only left my house today because I was emboldened by Bill Belichick’s courage.

Tomlin’s explanation of going for the onside kick with a two-point lead and a little under four minutes left against the Packers:

“I’ll be very bluntly honest with you, based on the way the game was going in the second half, first of all I thought with the element of surprise we had a chance to get it, but if we didn’t get it and they were to score, then we would have necessary time on the clock to score or match their score. Plan A didn’t work, we got the ball but we were illegal, that was the correct call, but it kind of unfolded the way you envisioned it.”

How the mighty defense has fallen. Wow. Mike Tomlin throwing his D to the wolves.

Tomlin was right. The call worked. The Packers were caught entirely off-guard and if not for Ike Taylor touching the ball a half yard before he should have, the Steelers easily recover it. In five of Pittsburgh’s seven losses this year, their defense squandered a late fourth quarter lead. At what point don’t you call them out?

b. The more I see of Chad Henne, the more I like him.

Let’s see some gams, honey.

b. Getting audited by the state of New York. Bummer.

“You mean lattes aren’t deductible?”

e. Coffeenerdness: Cafe au lait (and a pair of warm beignets) for breakfast at Fair Grounds. When the coffee is hot, and you can taste the pungent chicory in it, that’s every bit as a good as the best Italian Roast you can find anywhere.

Pungent chicory is another term for ladyfarts, in case you were wondering.

g. I know it’s late, very late, for book recommendations for the holidays, but I have two.

h. Book one: Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel football writer Bob McGinn’s superbly researched The Ultimate Super Bowl Book. In game after game we thought we knew well, McGinn sheds the kind of light that only a deft student of the game can. He has a chapter, 10 to 12 pages, on each Super Bowl game.

I’ll give you an example of the knowledge McGinn conveys, using the Giants-Patriots game two years ago as an example, talking about what McGinn correctly saw as the factor in the game that most influenced the outcome: defensive pressure by the Giants’ four-man front.

HOLY SHIT, WHAT INSIGHT!

/orders 15 thousand copies to distribute to local public school system