NO MAILBAG THIS WEEK. Our apologies, as we know that it’s crunch time for those of you in the fantasy playoffs and others who are trying to get laid over the holidays.
However, we will offer alternative programming: send us your angry fantasy football rants about this season, with a focus on the gut-wrenching loss that knocked you out of the playoffs or kept you from reaching them. Make the subject line “Fantasy Football Bitching”. The best three submissions will be posted on Thursday, and the winners will get… ummm… a small sense of accomplishment?
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11-2 top of league coming off bye week with Grant and Rice rolling (knew it was a bad sign).
Normal-ish scoring and up by 12 with Deangelo Williams and Sid Rice yet to play versus Steve Smith (the bad one that has Matt Moore under center) and AP. I figure at worst it should be a wash, AP could have a TD or two but not that many yards and Smith, well he’s an assbag with an asshat QB, so my Rice and Williams can handle that to hold onto a nice victory and get to the league Super Bowl.
Well ya’ll know how that turned out. Fuck Stewart, Fuck Matt Mooron. But most importantly fuck me.
I went up against a guy who had brees, and I knew if he had a bad week I was in for the win, having already come in first in the regular season. I watch the game online, and see how brees has one of his worst games of the year, and I am only down 7 after the game. Rodgers puts up the fucking best game of the season for me, and the rest of my team puts up a solid game, where I am up 17 going into the monday night game. I thought this is a for sure win since he only had the giants defense, and when do defenses score more than 15 points in fantasy? when jason campbell, I hope u fucking burn in hell you fucking cunt, gets injured and decides to come back in, only to throw an 8 point swing my opponents way on a fucking terrible throw. also jim zorn can also choke on his own dick for all I care for running that fucking stupid ass shit of a play. I lose by fucking 6 bc the giants put up 23 points. Fuck you jason campbell, and I hope u got mugged on the way home from the stadium
Aaron Rodgers shitting the bed against the Bears did me in.
I drafted Matt Forte with the first overall pick (/Tulane //Bears) and Steve Slaton in the 2nd round. So that went well.
But then! I went 10-2-1 thanks to Aaron Rodgers, Moss, Welkah, DeSean Jackson, and more than my fair share of free agents.
We played in an ESPN league with the two-week-per-matchup playoffs, and in the first round, I drew a guy with Chris Johnson and Ray Rice (who’d somehow gone 7-6), and they both went nuts in week 13 whilst my team put up a paltry 55. Then, in week 15, I closed a 40-point gap to take a 6 point lead, only to have Eli Manning of all people ruin my season on Sunday night.
@Danzibar: Hedge your bets and bet the under.
Ha, and speaking of said championship game, this is pretty much the lineup that got me there: McNabb, D Jackson, B Marshall, B Celek, K Moreno. Oh, and at the beginning of the season when McNabb was hurt, my backup QB had some decent games… His name? Kyle Orton. Now, My lineup is stocked with Denver and Philly players and these teams play each other the week of the final game. I’m fucked aren’t I?
My biggest “Fuck me” moment came when I wanted to add a player but my bench was full. I had to come to a decision- cut Mendenhall or White. Now, up until this time, neither had played but all the various sites and such kept predicting White would do better than Mendenhall… So I cut Mendenhall, figuring I could just pick him up first thing Monday morning. Of course this was the week Parker’s turf toe acts up, Mendenhall goes in and has a massive game. My friend Jeff sees that the Pittsburgh back is having a great game and picks him up mid game. That cocksucker even admitted he didn’t even know who Mendenhall was before that. Fuck.
I got my revenge though. Last game of the regular fantasy season, I’m up against Jeff- our records are the same and winner makes the playoffs- I beat his ass and am now on to the championship game…
In the finals in my keeper league for a third year in a row. Have lost the previous two, and as usual, I am favored by a bunch going in thanks to Breesus and Purple Jesus. Yes, these people draft like morons. Do I change my team logo to the Buffalo Bills in advance of the game, or after?
My next door neighbor’s daughter (she’s 29, I’m 40) has made it very clear that she wants to do naughty things to me. She’s very cool, and way out of my league, but there is a possible hint of the crazy (no more than most other chicks). Given the fact that she is literally the girl next door, and the uncertainty that comes with relationships, I’m a little worried about what happens if things go badly down the line. Still, there’s nothing I’d rather do than spend the next month or so waking the neighborhood up at 2 AM with the sound of her moans. Go for the whole enchilada (relationship, etc.), or keep it at friends with benefits?
@ BabySexCannon thanks….Im trying not to sweat it as my other RB’s are MoJo and Chris J, but I have the ultimate suck for wideouts
and being the only girl in the league, with some of the guys bitching that they didnt want a girl in there, and to go with one loss and win the entire thing, yeah…I want that. My shit talking will probably run all the way to next season….
KSK STAFF, YOU DICKS! I need help over here!
TheSickness65 -
Qui Tacet Consentit — silence implies consent.
Of course, that means duct tape implies persuasion.
The only real grumble I have is:
ATL@DAL game, I have Folk, Gonzo, and Matt Ryan and he has no one left. Folk kicks a FG to put me ahead by one, and I did the dumb thing by mentioning to my gf that all Matty Ice needs to not do is throw an INT.
First play: Matty Ice INT, Greggggggggggggggggggg Easterbrook wrote “game over” in his notebook and I lose by 1.
although i have no rant to do because i actually made it to the finals for only the 2nd time in 7 years, i really need some help with this.
Who do i start (pick 3)
Mr. Rules and Regulations 89 @ NYG
D. Mason @ PIT
Ward vs Balt
Or
D. Driver vs. SEA
Thanks to anyone who offers any insight they can.
My first round playoff exit? 753 to 347
Who in the blue hell is in a league where you can have a team score 300+ points and still lose by over 400? Oh a Colts fan from Indianapolis…right…that all makes sense now. Does this “league” award 1 point per yard and 20 points for each TD? Do safeties earn you 50 and block FGs/punts = 100? I’m sure the buy in is $100 worth of livestock and dairy products.
/why do ass clowns continue to troll our KSKomments?
Let us remember touchdown (and taco) hog: Len Dale Whizzite.
Boy, all that work in the off season really paid dividends.
About this whole lemur fucking thing…
What is the legal age of consent? I mean, just out of curiosity. One of my good friends wanted to know. What if the lemur was really REALLY drunk? Like, its eyeballs were spinning and shit.
Annual 14 team league
$250 entry fee
Drew 12th pick
Picked as follows:
1. Brian Westbrook
2. Marion Barber
3. Terrell Owens
4. Braylon Edwards
Over before it started.
It was so worth it to confuse Monkey Business
@I TouchdownThere
Play Ricky (not to be confused with Pay Rickey). Benson’s not a bad play, but Miami needs a win a hell of a lot more than Cincy does.
Coincidentally, what’s KSK’s position on lemur fucking? I need to know by Friday. Never mind why.
Animal fucking is wrong. Unless it’s a Christams gift.
“But no, Weaver had to be a lemur fucker.”
Coincidentally, what’s KSK’s position on lemur fucking? I need to know by Friday. Never mind why.
Fuck Leonard Weaver. If that assclown doesn’t waste 20 seconds arguing with Ahmad Brooks when they Eagles could have spiked it and had a shot at the end zone, I would have won. McNabb would have got some sort of TD there. But no, Weaver had to be a lemur fucker. So they were forced to kick a field goal. And the other guy had Akers. I lost by 2 points. Die Leonard Weaver.
Ok, I’ll bite. In my big money league we play with individual defensive players (not a good idea). Our league is through ESPN, and the IDP tackle totals always lead to plenty of scoring changes the morning after.
In week 10 I was in a neck and neck battle for a playoff spot, but the duo of Reggie Wayne & Randy Moss in the Sunday night Pats/Colts game put me ahead by a score of 140-124 with neither of us having someone in MNF. I went to bed Sunday night thinking I had won by 16, logged on to my computer Monday morning and after the scoring changes I had won by a score of 134 to 133, a massive scoring change but I’ll still take the win.
The week goes by and I’m doing my normal checking over our league/message board when I log in Thursday morning to see that I had gone from a record of 6-4 to 5-5. I frantically check the scoreboard to see I lost by a score of 135-134. It turns out that the good people at Elias Sports Bureau had decided to award Elvis Dumervil with an additional half a sack Thursday morning, giving him 2 more points and taking me from a one point win to a one point loss.
Moral of the story, never ever ever have individual defensive players.
I don’t really have a bitch, just hope you boys of football awesomeness will shine some light on a decision for me!!
Winning my league went 12-1, and im in my final playoff game this weekend…but as a KC fan, I am trying not to be swayed and this god damn game has become a source of frustration for me.
Lineup is all set other than have to decide on a flex. Ced Ben v KC, where as a Chiefs fan I want to think there isnt ANY way he will run for 120 yards and break it off in my ass….
or Cheech Williams v Texans….
Any input would be very much appreciated…..
And a displaced yinzer like myself for tossing up the split infinitive…
Leave it to a Dolts fan to not know the difference between sarcasm and retarded.
So far this season, I’ve scored slightly above the league average, somewhere in the neighborhood of 10000 points. The only problem is I’ve had nearly 12000 scored against me.
My first round playoff exit? 753 to 347. Basically, once Mendenhall shit the bed in Cleveland, my playoff run was over.
@PirateSloth – You’re either kidding or retarded. I’m assuming you’re kidding.
PirateSloth -
If you had mentioned that she’s an amputee I could help you. Please be as specific as possible, because what seems unimportant to you might be the key to solving your problem.
So there’s this girl that I kinda dig, but she is in a weird position when it relates to me. We knew each other when we were younger, just friends, then lost touch for a bit. She recently found me and contacted me. We’ve been talking ever since, and have progressed to the level of sending ‘sext messages’ and nekkid pictues, as well as emailing some rather naughty and explicit …. things…. we want to do to one another. Now I won’t go as far as to say she is a 10, but yea… she’s about a 9.5. She has never been to Hawaii and says that she is more than willing to book a flight to come visit for over a week.
But here is the kicker. You see, she is my fathers brothers nephews cousins former roommate. Whats KSK’s stance on tagging your fathers brothers nephews cousins former roommate? Is it ok for me to do so without seeming insensitive to said relatives? Do I proceed to mention anal to her in the process? What is a good way to get her down with the brown? Now when she books her flight to come out to visit, do I proceed to ‘clean the pipes’ every day 15 times a day so as not to meet her with a loaded weapon? What’s the acceptable amount of rubbing one out by the KSK Sexkakke Guidebook before meeting for fabulous sex?
Also, did I mention she’s bisexual and a squirter?
I had a bye last week…the same week Brees would have only got me 13 points…WHEW…thank God for playoff byes! But on a serious note, I do have Marion Barber who finally did something when I had said bye, and I am sure he will shit the bed this weekend….so fuck that guy!
Luckily, I also have Fitty, Harvin, Pierre Thomas, Addai, and some guy named Roddy White so I might be ok…..
To be fair, no game the Carolina Panthers are involved in can be considered a “huge game.” Not even the NFC title game against Green Bay or the Super Bowl against Nobody Denies This.
Fuck you Mike Sims-Walker for that soirée in Seattle that put you in the press box for the 41-0 loss to the Shithawks. That week was my 1st of 5 losses by 2 points or less this season.
Happy Festivus!!!
Fuck with a racke whoever on the Texans suggested to Slaton that he should beef up to be more durable and Slaton himself for (probably) hiding a nerve problem that caused numbness in one hand. I pity the people who have to decide whether to take him (or Owen Daniels, coming off season-ending injury, maybe a new team?) next yr.
Week 13, both teams 7-5, winner makes the playoffs, loser stays home. Guy I’m playing (don’t know him, friend of a friend) apparently DOESN’T EVEN GIVE A FUCK, which makes me feel like even more of a loser, as he’s starting a concussed DeSean Jackson and a RECENTLY-CUT Jason Elam. So that’s two zeroes for him right off the bat. I figure this is gonna be cake, but of course this is the week Purple Jesus shits the bed and Sims-Walker gives me absolute dick. I listen to the “experts” over my own gut and start McCoy over Moreno. Of course, I only have myself to blame for being an idiot, especially when starting McCoy over Forsett the previous week had cost me a win which would have locked up a playoff berth.
Anyway, Monday night rolls around and I’m down by two. He has Ryan Grant, I have Ray Rice. Rice is going strong in the first quarter and then fumbles. BAM, negative two points. Very next play, Grant fumbles. My spirits recover for a second, until Green Bay challenges the call and the fumble is reversed. Grant and Rice both end up shitting the bed with 4 points apiece. I lose by two and miss the playoffs when a win OR EVEN A TIE would’ve gotten me in. If Rice doesn’t fumble, I tie and get in. If Grant’s fumble isn’t overturned, I tie and get in. Oh yeah…FML.
All I needed was a decent showing by Brandon Jacobs and Kevin Boss and I’d be in the Superbowl. But no, every fuckwit on that offense (and even one from the defense!) got touchdowns except those two no talent ass clowns.
And fuck Ahmad Bradshaw.
I’m a QB killa. Check out this list–at various points this season I started these QB’s the day they were injured: McNabb, Hasselbeck, Hill, Quinn. Add Ronnie Brown to that list since he lines up at QB in the Wildcat. Hell, I picked up Quinn last week as a joke since I’m in the consolation bracket and just don’t care anymore. Sure enough, his season is ended. I wish I could start Marmalard this week just to see my powers used for good instead of evil
I’ll share this, because it was satisfying enough that I don’t need to bitch: I got knocked out of the playoffs in large part because Zulu Cthulhu and Ray Rice (my false-confidence-inspiring RBs) shit the bed. The guy who knocked me out was a friend of mine—who’s been complaining about how shitty his RBs have been all year—so I said, “hey, no hard feelings, pal, take Johnson and Rice, I’ll cut them you pick ‘em up.” He jumped at the opportunity. So what the fuck, you ask, is the point of all this? My motivation was at least part passive-aggressive: “sure, take the worthless fuckfaces who ended my season.” So if they screw him over, I have my revenge from beyond the playoff grave. And if they return to form and win him the playoffs, hey, I helped out a friend. Everyone wins.
(Incidentally, there’s no money involved in this league, so no one have a heart attack about conspiracy to commit fraud.)
Fucking Forte…
I cannot begin to make a submission for this without blowing a valve. The fact that injury left me in a position where Joe “my head looks like I should be from Delaware” Flacco cost me 4 fucking games and the playoffs still causes me to vomit blood uncontrollably from my cock.
Fuck measts or leasts, I want Flaccos head on a pike. THANKS FOR COMING UP BIG LAST WEEK YOU AGENT OF VAGINAL WITHERING! TAD TOO LATE!
fuck gary kubiak.. i should be in the finals.. remind me never to listen to tv “experts” again.. arian foster my ass.
/done whining until next year
josh cribbs deserves recognition for being a badass and a great teammate…. i grant you that he didn’t outperform harrison against the chiefs, but the man has to be meast of something.
/hopes the KSK gods are listening
Cribbs might not be Meast of his own team. Jerome Harrison might be more deserving this week.
Also, Demarcus Ware was extra measty this week.
I’ve got Britfar for Least of the Week. Shits the bed in a huge game, and publicly cuts off his coach’s balls while he is at it. You knew it was just a matter of time until Brit’s evil twin arrived on the scene.
josh cribbs for meast of the week.