We only got something like three or four submissions for the mailbag this week, so Christmas Ape was like, “Hey, should we do a mailbag reminder?” and I was all “HAIL NAW, it’s New Year’s Eve and I don’t feel like writing and formatting a 4000-word column.” So, we’re gonna make do.

Also, so there’s some transparency here, I finished up my fantasy season with both my teams making the playoffs. The ass-kicking team I had (a choice of Matt Schaub and Tom Brady at QB, MJD, Tony Gonzalez, late-round draft picks Percy Harvin and Jamaal Charles, and savvy pick-ups like Miles Austin) lost in the first round, while the middling team I put together finished third. I have now never NOT made the playoffs, but I’ve never finished better than third, either.

Kinda like my sex advice. Sure, I’ve made some regrettable decisions, but I’ve also slept with women I had no business seeing naked. I think it balances out, mostly. I’m not Nostradamus, but I’m consistent. Consistently slightly better than mediocre. Speaking of sex advice, we got a very handy New Year’s tip from the beloved Starter Wife this week:

Not sure if you guys are doing the FF / Sex Mailbag this week, but if you are – and if you are so inclined – an important safety message that you might be interested including in the post:

“According to the National Institute for Reproductive Health, sales for emergency contraception more than double in the first days after the New Year.“  (via Bitch Magazine)

The NIRH link includes a cute video of grandmas reading text messages not meant for them, and a link for Don’t Drop the Ball where you can sign up to send a text message reminder to your friends (or if you are a man with balls of steel, your conquests) for the morning after pill New Year’s Day.

Happy New Year!

I’ll say. A happy New Year is a non-impregnated one. Now on to your questions!

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Mark Sanchez: Who we got this week, Thomas? The Bengals?

Thomas Jones: Yup. Sunday Night.

Sanchez: Damn. They’re gonna be tough. You think they’ll cut us a break, the way the Colts did?

Jones: I dunno, man.

Sanchez: I hope they don’t. I mean, I’d love to make the playoffs. But I hate the idea that we made it when our last two opponents didn’t give it everything they had.

Jones: Yup.

Sanchez: You think Coach Ryan is gonna be all fired up this week?

Jones: The hell you think, man? I had a buddy in Baltimore tell me that, when the playoffs come around, that dude loses his goddamn mind.

Sanchez: Damn. I wonder what that’ll be like.

(door flies open)

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Now merely a week away from the start of the postseason, the hopes of many have been stoked, only so that they can soon be dashed to our everlasting cackling delight. While only two playoff berths remain to be secured, there can still be a good deal of movement among those assured to be alive past the first week of January (isn’t it so much less clunky when the regular season ends in December?). To help untangle the Gordian knot of playoff scenarios, we unpack how the events of Week 17 can impact those teams still in the running.

NFC

THE SAINTS HAVE HOME FIELD ADVANTAGE PROVIDED: Tom Benson remembers where he put the keys to the team bus when he sobers up.

THE EAGLES CAN CLINCH A FIRST-ROUND BYE IF: God hates us.

AND

He wishes us ill.

AND

Flipadelphia poisons Dallas.

THE CARDINALS CAN CLINCH A FIRST-ROUND BYE IF: They win and the Eagles lose.

OR

They are this year’s Arizona.

THE VIKINGS HAVE CLINCHED: A first-round loss at home.

THE COWBOYS HAVE CLINCHED: A first-round loss on the road or possibly one at home.

SHOULD THE COWBOYS AND VIKINGS MEET IN THE FIRST ROUND: The winner will be determined by an advantage in two of the following three categories:

- Number of Favres on roster.

- Number of Romos on roster.

- Amount of players wearing dew-proof gloves.

THE PACKERS CAN DO ANYTHING THEY WANT IF: They make this stop.

AFC

COLTS FANS WILL SPEND THEIR DEMANDED REFUND FROM LAST WEEK ON: Fries

WITH

Cheese

AND

Bacon

AND

Chili

AND

Beef

AND

Served on a pizza

WITH

The mushrooms removed

AND

Then comes the buffet

THE CHARGERS WILL SPEND THEIR BYE WEEK:

“MARVELING AT 3-D FLOAT TECHNOLOGY! GO SEE IT OR I’LL STICK THE BACK OF MY HEAD PENIS-BRAID WHERE THE DISTANT STAR SYSTEM DON’T SHINE!”

THE PATRIOTS SECURE THE THIRD SEED IF:

The Randy Moss costume requires less effort than being the actual Randy Moss.

THE BENGALS CAN TAKE THE THIRD SEED IF: “15 + 85 = 100 ways to be great” actually means something.

OR

They find a McDonald’s on Revis Island.

THE JETS MAKE THE PLAYOFFS IF: They continue playing teams that only try for half the game (They are!)

OR

Nacho agrees to look at the dump Rex Ryan just took.

THE RAVENS SECURE A WILD CARD BERTH IF: They continue whining about the refs.

AND

Someone actually cares.

THE JAGUARS MAKE THE PLAYOFFS IF: Unicorns frolic through Central Park

AND

Tom Arnold begins farting out rose petals

OR

Jesus returns to Earth and has anal sex with a bear on Fox News.

THE BRONCOS CAN CLINCH A WILD CARD IF: Brandon Stokley hits another ref

OR

Brandon Marshall slugs another woman

OR

Kyle Orton drunkenly hits on a woman who really turns out to be a ref

THE TEXANS MAKE THE PLAYOFFS IF: They are located in Dallas and named the Cowboys.

THE STEELERS MAKE THE PLAYOFFS IF: Roger Goodell has anything to say about it.

THE DOLPHINS MAKE THE PLAYOFFS IF: Their couch feels like the playoffs on weed.

KSK reader Ben Muschel sent us this gem to us today. Apparently, Drew’s old friend is playing a little fast and loose with recent history. In a display of investigative journalism rarely never seen on KSK, Mr. Muschel debunks King’s retcon of his appreciation of the 2006 Colts. (Up until now, it was still fully bunked.)

Rather than try to justice to Ben’s words by paraphrasing, here is his email in toto:

Gentlemen,

I know the weekly PK fisking (or is it fisting? I forget) has passed already, but I had to send you this screed I just sent to my friends (and to Peter himself, actually.) I don’t know if I’m making too big a deal of this, but I find this item lazy, and trying to take advantage of a readership he’s not counting on to remember basic things that happened three years ago. From yesterday’s MMQB:

It’s going to be a wide-open January. At this point of each of the past six years, we thought we knew the best team in the game as the regular-season drew to a close. It looked like New England in 2003 and ’04, the Colts in ’05 and ’06, perfect New England the next year, and Pittsburgh or Tennessee last year.

I’ll concede 2003 and 2004 Pats, definitely the Colts in 05, Pats in 07, and the Titans/Steelers last year. But the 2006 Colts? Really? We thought we knew they were the best team in the game? The same Colts that were the 3rd seed that year in the playoffs and going into January were widely considered to be the “worst” Colts team of the last 4 years to that point? Let’s ask someone who was around in 2006. Like, say, Peter King. He writes today, “At this point of each of the last six years…” This point is after Week 16, after 15 games… for context, let’s take a look back after 2006 Week 15, then 16, using PK’s “Fine Fifteen.”

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We haven’t done a gamebook in ages, so let’s bust one out for last night’s epic Viking BYEFAIL.

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AROMASHODU

A – RAMA – SHA – DOO

And Purple Jesus is your Least.

No friendly ass slapping for him!

Marvel Comics is releasing a four-issue series in which bad guys decide to blow up Soldier Field. Normally, I would say they are setting their sights relatively low in terms of supervillainy, but there are heads of state who could die and cause less Middle America devastation than Bretty Boy. TV pundits would set themselves on fire in the streets. Peter King alone would incite an ultra-dangerous jelly jihad against those responsible. SO LET’S HAVE IT MR. SINISTER! THIS STADIUM’S NOT GONNA EXPLODE ITSELF!

This is the final MNF broadcast of the season, so of course the announcers get to save some good ol’ Favretardery for their last hurrah. The Vikings still have a shot at swiping home field advantage from the Saints, which would matter if the Vikings weren’t going to lose their first postseason game anyway.

She says she doesn’t really have STDs, yall.

A Cincinnati Ben-Gals cheerleader has filed a defamation lawsuit against TheDirty.com. The cheerleader, who is also a school teacher, alleges the gossip site– run by Armen Tanzarian Hooman Karamian a/ka/ Nik Richie– falsely claimed she was exposed to two venereal diseases by a philandering boyfriend. The woman, identified only as “Jane Doe” in the suit, is referred to as “Sarah” in the offending post:

Her ex Nate.. cheated on her with over 50 girls in 4 yrs.. in that time he tested positive for Chlamydia Infection and Gonorrhea.. so im sure Sarah also has both.. whats worse is he brags about doing sarah in the gym.. football field.. her class room

Those a-holes at the Dirty stole from us once, so I’m not linking the post in question– but even a yellow-belt in Google-Fu can find it. Also, regarding this dude Nate… dirty pool, mister.

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