Your 4pm Open Thread: Death before Zagnuts
Are these new this year? Holy crap, they’re good. I’ve eaten like 17 of these since last night.
I’m digging through my kids’ Halloween candy while watching the early games. The occasion has led to me to rate the 4pm games according the types of candy I find…
Minnesota at Green Bay – This game is the good candy that’s always gone within a day and a half of Halloween. Like Reece’s Cups or fun-size Snickers bars. Brett Favre, who actually throws fewer interceptions than you think, makes his return to Lambeau today. Didja see Fuzzy Thurston bad-mouth Favre on ESPN Sunday Countdown this morning? Until you’ve had an old man with an electronic voice box curse your very name, you really haven’t lived.
Oakland at San Diego – Sure the Raiders suck, but I like them. So this game is an acquired taste that others might not necessarily enjoy, like Laffy Taffy or mini Heath bars. ESPN Outside the Lines wants to dispel the notion that Raiders coach Tom Cable only likes beating men half his size– apparently he also enjoys beating women half his size too.
Sadly, none of my trick-or-treaters looked like this.
Carolina at Arizona – This is the kind of game that you never look forward to seeing, but if it happens to be on when you’re flipping the channels, you’ll probably watch it. Its Halloween candy equivalent is a type of candy that I’d never buy for myself, but if it’s in the house I’m definitely going to eat it. Like, say, 100 Grand or Skittles.
Jacksonville at Tennessee – Somebody gave my kid a bag of pretzels. Seriously, a goddam bag of pretzels. What kind of sociopath hands out bags of pretzels to kids on Halloween? Fuck you, Mr. Neighbor Man, and fuck the people at the Utz snack company for enabling this asshole. This game features the return of Vince Young to the Titans’ starting lineup. So it’s not just a bag of pretzels, it’s a bag of pretzels with a rat turd inside.
Tags: candy, open threads, thanks for the Smarties you cheap bastard
November 1st, 2009 at 5:08 pm
Regular pretzels? Shit
Chocolate covered pretzels? Awesome
November 1st, 2009 at 5:10 pm
Halloween pretzels:Staples and needles :: Vince Young: Suicide. So many thinly veiled threats that make me excited to watch yet so little payoff.
November 1st, 2009 at 5:21 pm
What?!?! No Joe Buck for Favre love? I’m disappointed. I guess I’ll just have to watch the baseball game tonight to get my Buck fill.
November 1st, 2009 at 5:22 pm
Best Halloween candy: Pixie Stix. Artificially flavored sugar powder in pure undistilled form. Not only are they good straight up but they have use as a condiment. Dump them on peanut butter and jelly sammitches for added flavor or pour them on top of your pancakes for some extra zest. And if you want a real sugar rush, snort that shit directly up your nostril cavity. NATURAL HIGH!
November 1st, 2009 at 5:26 pm
Pretzels with sesame seeds though, i love those fuckers.
November 1st, 2009 at 5:26 pm
Gottdamnit! Now I’m hungry!
/digs through bag for 100Grand bar
November 1st, 2009 at 5:29 pm
The fact that Favre-cam exists makes me want to never stop vomiting.
November 1st, 2009 at 5:30 pm
Farve-Cam? Just. Fucking. Die. Now.
November 1st, 2009 at 5:33 pm
I’m a Vikings fan and the Favre-Cam pisses me off. The Favre-Cam’s Halloween treat equivalent is getting a choice between raisins or pennies.
November 1st, 2009 at 5:33 pm
Ugh. Watching that Lions-Rams game was like watching retarded people fuck: sure it’s football, but it’s so slow, sloppy and irresponsible that it should never happen. Hopefully the Favrekakke game will be better.
November 1st, 2009 at 5:34 pm
Fucking Brett Favre.
November 1st, 2009 at 5:38 pm
Apparently, everyone but the centre is watching Favre.
November 1st, 2009 at 5:38 pm
Jesus. If you’re handing out pretzels on Halloween, you’d better hand out beers too.
November 1st, 2009 at 5:40 pm
I went 0-8 in the early games in a pick’em league I’m in, plus the Giants sucked hairy donkey cock. I hope Favre contracts typhoid during the game.
November 1st, 2009 at 5:42 pm
That fat man is Jolly.
November 1st, 2009 at 5:43 pm
@Double J-You picked the browns over the bears? Are you retarded?
November 1st, 2009 at 5:45 pm
Bears have been playing like ass, I was getting TWO TOUCHDOWNS, figured they’d play it close. oh well.
November 1st, 2009 at 5:46 pm
DJ, my team and that was BIG hairy donkey cock they sucked with a DP involving a great dane.
November 1st, 2009 at 5:48 pm
My Fox affiliate is showing a hair restoration infomercial. At least I don’t have to watch Favre.
November 1st, 2009 at 5:50 pm
@Clam, the Giants are so frustrating. I hate them all, it wouldn’t surprise me if they don’t beat another team with a winning record the rest of the year.
November 1st, 2009 at 5:54 pm
Jets fans’ tears sustain. Greatest sport ever.
To Providence we go!
November 1st, 2009 at 5:56 pm
Dear Arizona,
Stop it.
November 1st, 2009 at 5:58 pm
The Colts-Niners game was so boring, we actually turned it off to watch Always Sunny episodes and just fast forwarded through the commercials and 3-and-outs.
And that wraps up my football watching for the day, as I’d rather be stabbed in the dick with an icepick than acknowledge Favrekakke 2009, where every sports journalist simultaneously jizzes on Brett Favre following his first TD pass at Lambeau.
November 1st, 2009 at 6:00 pm
After 16 years, me and Brett Favre are ok now.
November 1st, 2009 at 6:01 pm
@RWB, yeah, on the strength of a non-existent illegal formation or whatever that call was on the conversion. Although, to be fair to the Jets, I’m sure they had plenty of opportunities through the rest of the game to succeed at royally fucking it up and took them. I was switching to them on commercial break from that cluster fuck in Philly.
November 1st, 2009 at 6:03 pm
@EEC: Thank you for the excellent illustration. All the refs’ fault, I’m sure.
Same ol’ B&T trash.
November 1st, 2009 at 6:04 pm
@MB, he just did and they did on themselves. I think I’ll move to Ant Babys’ neighborhood so I can watch hair commercials intead.
November 1st, 2009 at 6:05 pm
Yes, that blond sure looks comfy
November 1st, 2009 at 6:08 pm
SKOL VIKINGS.
It still feels weird to cheer for Brett Favre.
November 1st, 2009 at 6:23 pm
Dear Panthers,
Please keep this up. For the love of God and the health of my liver, please keep this up.
Thanks,
BabyCarruth
November 1st, 2009 at 6:29 pm
Ditto that, BC. Keep the picks coming, Warner.
November 1st, 2009 at 6:39 pm
Did Delhomme and Warner switch bodies in the pregame?
November 1st, 2009 at 6:41 pm
On another note, I’m glad to see that KSK is resisting the socialist mandates of the Obama administration and their commiefascist drive for this “daylight savings time” thing. This aggression will not stand, man!
November 1st, 2009 at 6:46 pm
Obama wants America to switch to metric time.
November 1st, 2009 at 6:53 pm
I picked Arizona in my suicide pool, so, yeah, i’m boned.
November 1st, 2009 at 6:55 pm
SKOL VIKINGS
It’s so quiet at Lambeau that you can hear the Packers’ fans wheezing.
November 1st, 2009 at 6:56 pm
Cheech Harvin. I love you so hard right now.
November 1st, 2009 at 6:56 pm
Daylight savings is the Devils playtime, or so Kimberly Daniels tells me.
November 1st, 2009 at 6:59 pm
I don’t see any daylight being saved here – its fucking hot outside.
November 1st, 2009 at 7:09 pm
God bless you, Jared Allen, you magnifiscent redneck bastard.
November 1st, 2009 at 7:09 pm
Greggggggg just wrote “Game Over” in his notebook.
November 1st, 2009 at 7:11 pm
gregrichards77 took the Browns in the KSK suicide pool today. That is all.
November 1st, 2009 at 7:13 pm
Whoa no Sunday night game? To not compete with World Series, I presume? Bogus.
November 1st, 2009 at 7:18 pm
why do the Jags keep throwing the ball, just giv it to MJD!
November 1st, 2009 at 7:21 pm
DO NOT DISRESPECT THE 100 GRAND
It’s at least 99 grand better than a Payday.
November 1st, 2009 at 7:25 pm
Delhomme is down and hurting. Why can’t this happen when he’s playing like shit?
November 1st, 2009 at 7:27 pm
@Yinz: and much better than the Hershey’s Welfare-macallit.
November 1st, 2009 at 7:28 pm
Havner = Welkah of Green Bay?
November 1st, 2009 at 7:28 pm
Rich Says:
Whoa no Sunday night game? To not compete with World Series, I presume? Bogus.
Hey, did you know that Brett Farve was also playing today? I hear he’s going back to Green Bay for the first time.
November 1st, 2009 at 7:30 pm
Guess who started Havner in fantasy this week? This guy did.
/Finally understands why there’s a fullback spot in his league
//Guy I’m facing started Leonard Weaver. Wasted performance lol.
November 1st, 2009 at 7:30 pm
Tomlinson hurt? shocking
November 1st, 2009 at 7:31 pm
what kind of league has a FB spot?
November 1st, 2009 at 7:32 pm
That’s what I thought when I joined. But now I understand.
November 1st, 2009 at 7:32 pm
I know drich, he’s been so reliable on red zone drives the past two seasons…
November 1st, 2009 at 7:35 pm
If Green Bay’s players had whiter names, they’d have a hockey team. Pats fans are jealous of their presumed grittiness.
November 1st, 2009 at 7:36 pm
Those Hersheys you have may be new — I don’t recall seeing them before. But at the end of the day, they’re still white chocolate. And Laffy Taffys are ass — I’ll send our entire stash your way.
Q: why wasn’t that called a horse collar tackle a few plays back?
November 1st, 2009 at 7:37 pm
Heads up to fantasy players. Houston TE Owen Daniels out for the season
November 1st, 2009 at 7:40 pm
SKOL VIKINGS
Brett, I don’t like you, but well played.
November 1st, 2009 at 7:44 pm
WoahwoahwoahWOAH.
I just saw the tag for this post: “thanks for the Smarties you cheap bastard”
Are you fucking kidding me? FIRST YOU DISRESPECT THE 100 GRAND, then you bring that weak-ass funny on my SMARTIES. Shit, Smarties are the bomb. That’s like meth in convenient concave-pill form. That’s Pixie Stix without the mess and the whole faggy sucking on a hollow straw thing! IT’S COMPRESSED TRAVEL-SIZE PIXIE STIX! If you have an emergency, you can crush the Smarties into little lines of pixie cocaine! How can that be wrong?
Shit, I remember being a little, like, fifty-pound 6 or 7 year old, and I bet I was eating half my body weight in smarties. I ate so many smarties, the wooooorrrrlllldddd ssssslllllloooowwwwweeeddd dddooooowwwwnnnnnnn like I was the goddamned FLASH.
Good times.
November 1st, 2009 at 7:47 pm
ROGGGGGAHHHHHHHHHS takes off for 45 yds.
November 1st, 2009 at 7:47 pm
HOW IN THE HELL DID JENNINGS CATCH THAT?
November 1st, 2009 at 7:49 pm
Shit, that Jennings catch looked impossible live, still looked pretty fucking difficult in slo-mo replay.
November 1st, 2009 at 7:51 pm
Ugh, fuck. Green Bay’s fat, greasy mojo is building in strength. Fuckety, fuck. I can smell it.
November 1st, 2009 at 7:59 pm
I’m rootin for the Packers. But WTF was that rushing the passer
November 1st, 2009 at 8:00 pm
@Gino
You love that smell in the morning. Smells like…… victory.
November 1st, 2009 at 8:04 pm
It smells like Miller’s, sweat and fried cheese curds.
November 1st, 2009 at 8:05 pm
Mojo is abating . . . .
November 1st, 2009 at 8:14 pm
Brett Favre is the greatest quarterback…nay, greatest player in football history…nay, greatest person in human history…nay, greatest being in the history of the universe. All shall bow before his shining example of perfection. We have all been changed for the better for having felt his presence.
November 1st, 2009 at 8:16 pm
Kneel before Favre?
November 1st, 2009 at 8:18 pm
Kneel, buy a jersey and some Wranglers.
November 1st, 2009 at 8:20 pm
Dead Dad MNF reference! God…okay, Brett. You beat the Packers twice. So, does this mean you’ll finally go away?
November 1st, 2009 at 8:23 pm
Is it only a matter of time until Drew caves and names Land Baron the Meast?
November 1st, 2009 at 8:27 pm
@Rakibul Islam
I think you may have forgotten the existence of the backup messiah, one Tim Tebow.
November 1st, 2009 at 8:30 pm
@H Cuz
Yes, and that time is INFINITY NEVER EVER AIN’T FUCKING HAPPENING.
November 1st, 2009 at 8:31 pm
@ H Cuz
Chris Johnson (228 & 2 TDs) says hello.
November 1st, 2009 at 8:38 pm
SKOL VIKINGS!
Ah, now that my team has won, I can chill out and watch the NFL evening game without any anxiety. What? Yankees-Phillies? Fuck!
November 1st, 2009 at 8:45 pm
Fucking AP. Just 3 more fucking yards man. 3! Now I have to rely on , ugh, Mike Bell to secure victory.
November 1st, 2009 at 8:49 pm
I don’t mean to be a dick, but it’s spelled “skål.” If you don’t want to go for the “å” every time, it can be written as “aa” (skaal is the same as skål). “Skol” does not mean anything.
November 1st, 2009 at 8:57 pm
Who got bulldozed by finesse runner Chris Johnson on an 89-yard TD run? Brian Fucking Russell.
November 1st, 2009 at 9:01 pm
The Fox pre-game show will be broadcast from Afghanistan next week.
Jimmy Johnson, Terry Bradshaw, Michael Strahan, and Howie Long all in a war zone.
It would be really wrong to root for the bad guys just this once, right? Right?
November 1st, 2009 at 9:04 pm
The team I was playing against this week in my fantasy team had MJD, Chris Johnson, Reggie Wayne and Brett Favre… I’m afraid to check the score.
November 1st, 2009 at 9:23 pm
It would be really wrong to root for the bad guys just this once, right? Right?
With a bit of luck, the Air Force may mistake them for an Afghan wedding.
November 1st, 2009 at 9:26 pm
@ Ballard
I’m somewhat sure you didn’t mean to be a dick about the proper spelling of “SKOL”. That’s just an Americanized spelling of the Scandinavian phrase. Most Minnewegian people don’t know what to make of the word “Skål” (with that silly circle above the “A”), but the “Skol” spelling easily renders the same sound in the same spirit.
Also, “Ballard” should be spelled “Baile Ard”.
/means to be a dick
November 1st, 2009 at 9:44 pm
I know nobody watches Jacksonville, but seriously, did both teams forget how to tackle today? That game was just silly. First off, MJD, 177 yards on 8 carries? WTF, and why just eight fuckin carries? Jacksonville ran 41 offensive plays – this means that for 33 of them, they decided not to go with the guy who just busted off two 80-yarders. Give him another eight carries – maybe he’ll hit the 500 mark.
Of course, Chris Johnson made MJD’s day look insignificant. BTW, if I don’t see an animated gif on Monday of the epic Brian Russell fail on Chris Johnson’s 89-yard TD run, I’ll be mildly disappointed.
Because Johnson was almost at a dead stop, Russell is right in front of him, all he’s got to do is reach out and push and it’s a four-yard gain. But no, he decides to lower his helmet and cheapshot Johnson in the legs. He manages to lightly scrape his helmet against Johnsons’s forearm, then spin comically to the ground, arms and legs haplessly outstretched. And Johnson’s off for an 89-yard scamper.
There were no less than three camera angles – a sideline cam, a close-up, and an overhead blimp – all clearly showing the Greek Tragedy-level epicness of Brian Russell’s idiocy.
We’re talking Sophocles’ Oedipus Trilogy-level epic here.
/not sure that counts as an epic, but a play about incestuous inbreds seems appropriate.
November 2nd, 2009 at 12:37 am
Baile Ard is Irish. You’d have to be a dick to accuse me of being Irish.
Ballard is an area in Seattle filled with Scandinavians.
November 2nd, 2009 at 12:58 am
You must be Finnish- they don’t really count as Scandinavian.
November 2nd, 2009 at 1:12 am
Finnish accusations are worse than Irish accusations. PISTOLS AT DAWN.
Also, Finns would not care about any of this. They would be too busy committing suicide, or whatever it is that they do (mostly suicide).
November 2nd, 2009 at 1:29 am
Uff dah. That must mean you’re one of those retarded Lapps.
November 2nd, 2009 at 5:12 am
@Gino: Renee Zellweger demands an apology for your last remark.
Also, Renee Zellweger is one of the few people on the planet whose appearance would be improved by a moutheyes photoshop.
November 13th, 2009 at 8:15 pm
So I found out last week that my girl friend has been cheating on me for months. So like any good ex I have uploaded every last nude pic and video I have of her to the net at http://www.wackyourtube.com/sexyjessica132
Enjoy!
Yeah revenge is sweet.