THIS GUY, He’s a Surgeon With Outstanding Generalship, This Guy
Jon Gruden exemplified MAXIMUM DENSITY during his performance in the booth tonight. THIS GUY – he’s an outstanding proliferator of FOOTBALL PLATITUDES. First, he started in by saying that Drew Brees is “The Surgeon.” Much like Peyton Manning, another OUTSTANDING FOOTBALL PLAYER, is “The Sheriff.”
Don’t worry, fans. There was more. Mike Bell was “The Hammer.” Every tight end on the field was a “joker.” To drive the point home, Gruden donned a Batman Joker mask from the movie The Dark Knight. He leads Gotham City in malevolence. THIS GUY – HE GETS VISUAL AIDS! HE’S GOT PROP DISCIPLINE!
Did you see Roddy White cup the tits of a Saints defensive back on his touchdown grab? THAT IS OUTSTANDING REACHAROUND ABILITY, ESPECIALLY IN THE WAKE OF THE NFL’S CAMPAIGN DEALING WITH BREAST CANCER AWARENESS! You just can’t coach that. This guy – he really gets all up in there, inspecting for cancerous lumps. I’M GONNA CALL HIM “THE INSPECTOR.” If I were a cancerous growth, I’d want to stay away from this guy. He’s gonna sniff me out with extreme promptitude.
Did you see this guy sky for an interception? Brent Grimes is “The Levitator.” In all my years in the league, I’ve never seen one guy get up in the air like that guy just did. It’s like he attached a jet pack to his backside and took off. I tell you, I’m stimulated by what just happened on that play. Let me straddle my stool a little wider. You got the camera on that, camera guy? Good. I think you got a real future in camera work. I’m gonna call you “The Focuser.”
Tags: Jon Gruden, matron saint, mnf recap, xmas ape
November 3rd, 2009 at 1:31 am
This guy, Reggie Bush, he’s REAL good at getting 2 yards a carry. He’s also really good at being a SHIT player all around. I’m gonna call you “The Deuce”.
November 3rd, 2009 at 1:43 am
Did I ever tell you about the THREE DAYS I spent at the Saints training camp this summer?
Gruden=Kornheiser
November 3rd, 2009 at 1:49 am
I still can’t get past Stewart Scott picking the Saints to win based on the fact that Drew Brees’s son was in the stands. Christ I wanted to gouge my ears out just listening to that.
November 3rd, 2009 at 1:59 am
I can’t get past NO not covering the goddamn spread. Was it too much to ask for Sharper to return that last pick?
November 3rd, 2009 at 2:39 am
Hey! I’m sure Brandon Spikes can do that for y- oh, gouge your EARS out. never mind.
November 3rd, 2009 at 2:46 am
I see Suzy was looking as lovely as ever.
November 3rd, 2009 at 2:54 am
That guy, the Hammer, got me a whopping 0. Fuck that guy.
November 3rd, 2009 at 2:54 am
Can I be the Masterbour for KS based on the first photo, Five Things We Like, WE GON DRANK, FIX YO INSERTS, [something flies open], WHOOHOO I’M FUCKING CRAZY, Brah, and Jean Grey photos?
Thanks
November 3rd, 2009 at 2:55 am
um…. damned keyboard sticky keys just ruined my joke. Too much jerkin off to Sexy Friday.
November 3rd, 2009 at 3:00 am
I still have nfi what he was talking about with the mouthguards….
November 3rd, 2009 at 3:05 am
@cutlerfuckerr
It’s the longer hair. Call it the Brenda Warner effect; women who grow their hair out after 40 (and get shitloads of cosmetic surgery) are hotter. If the Namath interview happened today he would have ejaculated on air.*
*Note: This may have actually happened, but I imagine this time around there would be vocal grunting involved.
November 3rd, 2009 at 3:12 am
Maybe it’s just me, but that dead-eyed Joker mask is some high-octane nightmare fuel.
November 3rd, 2009 at 6:29 am
Are we seeing Tirico’s O-face?
@ Bring in Bishop: just imagine that pic with mouth eyes.
November 3rd, 2009 at 6:41 am
Brent Grimes… or Grimey, as he likes to be called…
Oh, and is Visual AIDS the new, McDaniels-developed form of Super AIDS? Because if it is… I’ll be too afraid to go to sleep tonight.
/Gruden wants to give your children AIDS
November 3rd, 2009 at 6:43 am
Gruden is the George W. Bush of NFL analysts, nicknaming everything — only with even more faux enthusiasm. I cannot think of a more damning indictment that avoids the word “douchebag”.
November 3rd, 2009 at 7:04 am
Don’t forget Marques “The Beast” Colston…. and Jeremy “The Beast” Shockey….. and just about anyone “The Beast” else on the offense
November 3rd, 2009 at 7:11 am
All of this = yes. THIS GUY, Gruden, I’m going to call him “Devo” because he Devolves every week. I’ve never willingly listened to a guy speak like this before. He is a REALLY STUPID MAN. He leads the league in guys who should only coach football teams.
Hey, hey, hey.. remember the “tuck rule?” Because I think Gruden was referring to the tuck rule.
November 3rd, 2009 at 7:27 am
Gruden? I’m gonna call him “Unwatchable”.
November 3rd, 2009 at 7:58 am
Its amazing how a complete jackoff can win a Super Bowl. The bad thing is hes not the only one. coughGeorgeSeifertcough
November 3rd, 2009 at 8:17 am
I was watching these guys play those guys and that guy really put it to this guy. It was awsome man.
November 3rd, 2009 at 9:22 am
Kolber should have worn the Joker mask.
November 3rd, 2009 at 9:34 am
Roddy White is THE HUMAN VACUUM CLEANER!
November 3rd, 2009 at 9:37 am
@LF’sND:
Hey watch it there pal. George Seifert won 2 Super Bowls. And I eagerly await your explanation as to how he is a complete jackoff. If you called him a “partial jackoff,” I might understand, but a “complete jackoff”?
November 3rd, 2009 at 9:47 am
Can we all just finally admit that Kornheiser was NEVER anywhere as bad as Gruden is in the booth? Not even close? We didn’t know how good we had it…
November 3rd, 2009 at 9:55 am
Outstanding Post! I’m gonna call you “The Postmaster General”
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:03 am
Am I the only one that thought I saw Roddy White’s hands quite a bit further south than Greer’s manmary region? It looked to me like he was checking for a different kind of cancer all together.
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:08 am
Tirico: “Somebody get me away from these two crazy honky assholes.”
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:11 am
No, Gruden still isn’t as bad as Kornheiser. As TheStarterWife pointed out during the live blog, at least Gruden (annoying though he may be) honestly cares about the game, Kornheiser only cared about self-promotion and pushing network-approved storylines.
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:13 am
That may be true…but Gruden actually made me seriously consider to stop watching the game last night. That never happened with Kornheiser. They both were awful, but Gruden literally makes it painful to watch.
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:25 am
Wow, Gruden is terrible. I’m sure somebody, somewhere, has already pointed this out, but WHY DOES THAT MAN NOT PRONOUNCE HIS G’S AT THE END OF -ING?
“He’s throwin’ the ball all over this field.”
“He’s pickin’ them apart like a surgeon”
“He’s bombin’ hospitals and tellin’ jokes like the Joker.”
/looks up where Gruden is from
Sandusky, Ohio.
Does this explain anything, oh ye masses who know more of Sandusky Ohio than do I?
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:36 am
When I watched that game it had me confused, was Gruden a NFL HC or Lee Corso’s son?
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:03 am
You got the camera on that, camera guy?
So Jon Gruden’s selling the ShamWow’s now?
This guy right here, it picks up cola, coffee, any spills whatsoever. I call it “The Picker-Upper.”
Oh wait….
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:09 am
TONY GANZALOZ is so great for a young QB to have. He’s like a security blanket. I’m going to call him “THE TORTILLA” because although it’s not the sexiest part of the burrito, it wraps everything up and keeps it warm and tasty. Always dependable and a great tortilla makes a great burrito even better.
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:38 am
even my girlfriend said she’d never seen announcers suck dick as hard as this game before
November 3rd, 2009 at 12:04 pm
On behalf of all Saints fans…thank you. And could you also make Jon Gruden “Least of the Week” or at least say he was in the running? His whole “Hurricane Katrina” rant near the end of the game had me wanting to throw my television out the goddamn window.
We get it, Jon! The city has rallied around the team. Thanks for pointing that out to us. I totally didn’t get that until YOU just mentioned it.
Fuck off, Chucky!
November 3rd, 2009 at 12:33 pm
Jon Gruden was so over the top last night I seriously thought he was doing high quality Colombian blow during the commercial breaks. I mean the guy seemed so uncomfortable his first couple of weeks in the booth and last night it was like:
“I used to play these guys twice a year so I’m so pumped up I could eat iron and crap steel! Yeah Beast Colston and Burner Turner and Speedy Henderson are all over the place tonight! It’s almost like they are professional athletes of the hghest level!” YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH
I think the coke started to wear off during the Katrina monologue. Thought he might slit his wrists for a sec there. He’s still vastly better than Kronheiser though.
November 3rd, 2009 at 12:46 pm
In the vein a former MNF commentator, the great Dennis Miller, there’s so much dick sucking going on in that booth, it reminds me of an ancient Greek Dionysian orgy circa 400 BC.
November 3rd, 2009 at 12:53 pm
Rowdy Roddy Peeper:
Anyone can win a Super Bowl if they know the other team’s plays & calls.
November 3rd, 2009 at 1:34 pm
Usually anytime Chucky’s talking that means that Jaworski isn’t. And that’s good enough for me. Jaworski knows football, but can we quit with the “in space” remarks, as in, the (insert name of team) needs to get (insert name of RB or WR) “in space”?
November 3rd, 2009 at 2:34 pm
Yes, he was definitely “straddling his stool” last night.
November 3rd, 2009 at 2:53 pm
I am sure that he was drunk.
November 3rd, 2009 at 3:00 pm
Tirico just came.
November 3rd, 2009 at 3:08 pm
Luckily, I was there, so I didn’t have to listen to Gruden ruin the game.
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:58 pm
i’m reminded of rodney king.
can’t we all just…
agree to turn down the fucking volume, listen to good music, drink good liquor, and enjoy the goddam game?
this site is devoted solely to nfl fans. folks who’ve been watching the game for years. people who can follow its development without having fuckups get in the way with stupid turns of phrase, cliches, and other mindless bullshit. people who know espn hasn’t hired anyone capable of original thought or self-expression in 20 years or so. why would anyone think listening to any of espn’s chosen assholes is a recipe for narration that’ll increase a ksk fan’s appreciation or understanding of the game?
espn is to selecting on-air talent what matt millen was to selecting on-field talent.
embrace the suck by muting it.
November 4th, 2009 at 11:54 am
As a Colts fan I’m PLEADING with MNF…Can we all just agree to not call Peyton “The Sheriff”?
HE’S FROM FUCKING LOUISIANA