mcnabblt

Donovan McNabb: Damn, man. You couldn’t have waited one more week to get your form back? What got into you?

LaDainian Tomlinson: Wife got pregnant.

Donovan McNabb: How does that work?

LaDainian Tomlinson: sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex

Donovan McNabb: And then?

LaDainian Tomlinson: Egg fertilized.

Donovan McNabb: And then?

LaDainian Tomlinson: Cells divide.

Donovan McNabb: And then?

LaDainian Tomlinson: Pee on stick.

Donovan McNabb: And then?

LaDainian Tomlinson: Positive test.

Donovan McNabb: And then?

LaDainian Tomlinson: Surprise in my locker.

Donovan McNabb: And then?

LaDainian Tomlinson: Two touchdowns.

Donovan McNabb: Wow, that’s crazy. I gotta try that sometime.

[Later]

lamarriedcouple

LaTorsha Tomlinson: Oh my god, I’m so excited!

LaDainian Tomlinson: smilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmile

LaTorsha Tomlinson: This is so crazy, honey. I haven’t even told my parents yet. How am I supposed to spring this on them? I know you liked how I surprised you, but I don’t know if my dad could take that shock.

We have so much to do. I had Shaunice over here the other day and she told me what we could do with this room over here.

[Nursery doors fly open]

riversface

Philip Rivers: Ya betta ask someboddddddaaaaayyyyyyy!

Congra-tu-fucking-lations, LaExpectingCouple! Hey wifey, you finally let LaToeInjury slip some of his lean meat protein past the goalie, did you? FUCK YES YOU DID, BECAUSE THE GOOD LORD DEMANDS PROCREATION! ANY COPULATION THAT DOESN’T LEAD TO CHILDBIRTH IS SHAMEFUL IN THE LASEREYES OF GOD ABOVE! THAT’S WHY I GOT ME A WHOLE MESS A’ YOUNGINS! I NAMED ONE OF THEM AUDIBLE RIVERS JUST TO FUCK WITH THE LITTLE PRICK!

LaTorsha Tomlinson: What’s this crazy white boy doing here?

Philip Rivers: WHAT? HUH? WHAT? THAT’S REVERSE RACISM! CONTROL YOUR WOMAN!

LaToeInjury, did you ever stop to think why your tentative line-dancing ass was useful for the first time since Marty was running the team into ground? Because you gave God the opportunity to work His miracle of life. And He rewarded you by removing the Curse of Fuckstainery your immoral ways have placed upon you. But the Lord is demanding. HE NEEDS MORE LITTLE PISSING MECONIUM-PRODUCING BEINGS OF LIGHT TO LAVISH UPON HIS WORLD! No more children, no more touchdowns.

LaDainian Tomlinson: But my wife’s already pregnant.

Philip Rivers: She’s only a little pregnant. We can make her full capacity pregnant. With enough fertility drugs, we can make her LaBlackOctoBitch. Each week, more babies AND THUS MORE TOUCHDOWNS! Then, once I get Malcolm Floyd on board with this holy war against the Mooslims, WE’LL BE THE PREFERRED TEAM OF HIS HOLINESS!

LaTorsha Tomlinson: LADAINIAN! GET THIS MAN OUT OF MY HOUSE! NOW!

Philip Rivers: WHO HAS PERMITTED THE WOMENFOLK TO SPEAK?! I knew you’d do this to me, you gimpy legged henpecked little fucktaster. That’s why I already tried with Tiny Darren, but he’s too small to please a woman. Then I suggested he swim into a woman’s uterus and fertilize an egg himself. BUT HE WOULDN’T DO IT, THE UNCOOPERATIVE LITTLE SHIT!

THEN JACOB HESTER TOLD ME HE’S ONLY INTO ASIAN WOMEN! AND I DON’T WANT TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR CREATING MORE ASIANS!

Fine.

FINE!

ME THE HIGH SCHOOL SWEETIE WILL CONTINUE TO PUMP OUT THE KIDS UNTIL HER WOMB IS ON THE OUTSIDE! THEN I’LL GET LITTLE AUDIBLE RIVERS UP HERE TO FUCK YOU BOTH IN THE ASS! HE’S JUST ABOUT AT THAT AGE!