The Pitter Patter of Little LaToeFeet
Donovan McNabb: Damn, man. You couldn’t have waited one more week to get your form back? What got into you?
LaDainian Tomlinson: Wife got pregnant.
Donovan McNabb: How does that work?
LaDainian Tomlinson: sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex
Donovan McNabb: And then?
LaDainian Tomlinson: Egg fertilized.
Donovan McNabb: And then?
LaDainian Tomlinson: Cells divide.
Donovan McNabb: And then?
LaDainian Tomlinson: Pee on stick.
Donovan McNabb: And then?
LaDainian Tomlinson: Positive test.
Donovan McNabb: And then?
LaDainian Tomlinson: Surprise in my locker.
Donovan McNabb: And then?
LaDainian Tomlinson: Two touchdowns.
Donovan McNabb: Wow, that’s crazy. I gotta try that sometime.
[Later]
LaTorsha Tomlinson: Oh my god, I’m so excited!
LaDainian Tomlinson: smilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmilesmile
LaTorsha Tomlinson: This is so crazy, honey. I haven’t even told my parents yet. How am I supposed to spring this on them? I know you liked how I surprised you, but I don’t know if my dad could take that shock.
We have so much to do. I had Shaunice over here the other day and she told me what we could do with this room over here.
[Nursery doors fly open]
Philip Rivers: Ya betta ask someboddddddaaaaayyyyyyy!
Congra-tu-fucking-lations, LaExpectingCouple! Hey wifey, you finally let LaToeInjury slip some of his lean meat protein past the goalie, did you? FUCK YES YOU DID, BECAUSE THE GOOD LORD DEMANDS PROCREATION! ANY COPULATION THAT DOESN’T LEAD TO CHILDBIRTH IS SHAMEFUL IN THE LASEREYES OF GOD ABOVE! THAT’S WHY I GOT ME A WHOLE MESS A’ YOUNGINS! I NAMED ONE OF THEM AUDIBLE RIVERS JUST TO FUCK WITH THE LITTLE PRICK!
LaTorsha Tomlinson: What’s this crazy white boy doing here?
Philip Rivers: WHAT? HUH? WHAT? THAT’S REVERSE RACISM! CONTROL YOUR WOMAN!
LaToeInjury, did you ever stop to think why your tentative line-dancing ass was useful for the first time since Marty was running the team into ground? Because you gave God the opportunity to work His miracle of life. And He rewarded you by removing the Curse of Fuckstainery your immoral ways have placed upon you. But the Lord is demanding. HE NEEDS MORE LITTLE PISSING MECONIUM-PRODUCING BEINGS OF LIGHT TO LAVISH UPON HIS WORLD! No more children, no more touchdowns.
LaDainian Tomlinson: But my wife’s already pregnant.
Philip Rivers: She’s only a little pregnant. We can make her full capacity pregnant. With enough fertility drugs, we can make her LaBlackOctoBitch. Each week, more babies AND THUS MORE TOUCHDOWNS! Then, once I get Malcolm Floyd on board with this holy war against the Mooslims, WE’LL BE THE PREFERRED TEAM OF HIS HOLINESS!
LaTorsha Tomlinson: LADAINIAN! GET THIS MAN OUT OF MY HOUSE! NOW!
Philip Rivers: WHO HAS PERMITTED THE WOMENFOLK TO SPEAK?! I knew you’d do this to me, you gimpy legged henpecked little fucktaster. That’s why I already tried with Tiny Darren, but he’s too small to please a woman. Then I suggested he swim into a woman’s uterus and fertilize an egg himself. BUT HE WOULDN’T DO IT, THE UNCOOPERATIVE LITTLE SHIT!
THEN JACOB HESTER TOLD ME HE’S ONLY INTO ASIAN WOMEN! AND I DON’T WANT TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR CREATING MORE ASIANS!
Fine.
FINE!
ME THE HIGH SCHOOL SWEETIE WILL CONTINUE TO PUMP OUT THE KIDS UNTIL HER WOMB IS ON THE OUTSIDE! THEN I’LL GET LITTLE AUDIBLE RIVERS UP HERE TO FUCK YOU BOTH IN THE ASS! HE’S JUST ABOUT AT THAT AGE!
Tags: children are our future unless we stop them, LaToeInjury, xmas ape
![[badge]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/themes/default/images/100121_FOXmsnBadge_200x50.gif)
November 17th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
My fantasy roster likes the idea of LaBlackOctoBitch
November 17th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
LaBlackOctoBitch for the all-time win!
November 17th, 2009 at 2:14 pm
I for one am looking forward to Audible Rivers starting for the Chargers in 2020 or so.
Almost as much as I’m looking forward to Quincy Manning starting for the Colts 2024. The Colts already signed the egg and sperm to long-term deals. You think Fivehead was bad? WAIT UNTIL SIXHEAD!!!
November 17th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
Oh yeah, funny quote from a friend on Sunday:
“If I played in the NFL and someone left a pregnancy test in my locker, my first thought isn’t “Hey, my wife is pregnant!”. It’s “Oh shit, some groupie thinks I’m a baby daddy.” or “Who the fuck left a pee stick in my locker?”"
November 17th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
They ran that stunt into the ground in Buffalo and Tennesse and it did nothing for Travis Henry’s career.
November 17th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
Ya betta impregnate someboddddddaaaaayyyyyyy!
November 17th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
btw, LaTorsha is French for “the Torsha”
November 17th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
That lean meat commercial is just a fountain of jokes…!
November 17th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
LaTorsha? Seriously?
Someone should slap her mother.
November 17th, 2009 at 2:32 pm
Tiny Darren knew if he tried to swim up a uterus, he’d only get met head-on by the Ray Lewis of birth control, aka the diaphragam.
November 17th, 2009 at 2:37 pm
LaToeinjury wears the visor all the time. Has anyone seen his eyes?
November 17th, 2009 at 2:38 pm
http://www.ladainiantomlinson.com/#talk
Why the hell did I sign up for this newsletter if they’re not going to mention this shit?
unrelated: if anyone knows where to find Tecmo Bowl gifs I’d appreciate the info.
November 17th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
LaTorsha? This must be some sort of joke.
/looks up LaDainian’s info on wikipedia
Oh wow, her name really is LaTorsha. Her and LaDainian were meant to be together. No one could deny their LaLove.
//kindly reminds the good people of KSK that there is no such thing as reverse racism
November 17th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
Yeah, down with Mooslims! Wait, no, that can’t be right. *asks someboday*
November 17th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
Odds on the Lababy having a first name that starts with La?
November 17th, 2009 at 3:08 pm
Wade n’ Jerry and the Laserface on one day?
Fanfuckingtastic.
November 17th, 2009 at 3:09 pm
Daaaaaaamn…I guess being an NFL running back does have its advantages.
November 17th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
Pretty slim Owen…I don’t doubt Ape nailed the extent of LaDainian’s mental capacity, but his wife looks like an upwardly-mobile, Jack-and-Jill type. I’ll be disappointed if the child doesn’t share the name of a Victorian-era female protagonist.
November 17th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
LaSerface?
November 17th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
@Lil Lebowski Urban Achievers
Travis Henry’s attempt was out of wedlock, thus nullifying the Holy War.
November 17th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
WHO HAS PERMITTED THE WOMENFOLK TO SPEAK?!
It’s like you can read my thoughts!
November 17th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
Bill Simmons suffers from an eternal Curse of Fuckstainery.
November 17th, 2009 at 3:31 pm
I’m still trying to figure out which of the following prefixes I’d use (if it were applicable…): La, D’, or Nu’.
/thinking Nu’, it’s not gender unspecific.
November 17th, 2009 at 3:32 pm
@ Wide Right: Good work outta you!
November 17th, 2009 at 3:35 pm
The “children are our future unless we stop them” tag is fantastic.
Nice work Ape
November 17th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
I’m still laughing over ‘fucktaster’… I needed a new word for my vocabulary. Thanks Ape!
And just to add, LaToeInjury’s wife… Hawt!
November 17th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
Baby name: LaSuperBowl (only way LT will have one), LaLittleTeacup, LaMarty, LaFuckAJSmith
November 17th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
AUDIBLE RIVERS
Did Peyton Manning slip his fetus headed penis inside Mrs. Rivers?
November 17th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
You’re shitting me that her actual name is LaTorsha. I was so convinced that was one of Ape’s inventions. Also, naming Tomlinson’s wife’s friend ‘Shaunice’? That’s that good subtle racism shit, like you see in Tarantino movies. Though I bet she has a friend named ‘LaKeisha’ who could have been worked in here
/kid’s name should be LaToeInjury
November 17th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
But what does Lights Out think about this?
November 17th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
RE Upstate Underdog Says:
btw, LaTorsha is French for “the Torsha”
+1, wins the thread so far.
I weep for their child’s future name.
November 17th, 2009 at 4:01 pm
Laserface and Wade in one day…. thank you jesus
November 17th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
I don’t think I would have told everyone it was a positive test because there’s pee on those things.
“When I saw my wife’s used, unbloodied but still smelly tampon in that purple box I just knew. I cried for five minutes.”
November 17th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
@UU: I also think LaTorsha is Portuguese for big fucking tittays.
I do feel sorry for the kids’ future name especially if its one of those country mashups like:
Torshanian Tomlinson
Danesha Tomlinson
LaTrickDaddy Tomlinson
You get the point.
November 17th, 2009 at 4:13 pm
Ironically, I always imagine Philip Rivers speaking with Ryan Leaf’s voice.
November 17th, 2009 at 4:14 pm
LaBlackOctoBitch.
ALL HAIL THE WIN OF WINS.
November 17th, 2009 at 5:52 pm
i clicked this somehow not expecting king laser face coming through a door that had just flown open. seeing door flies open and that picture will never not make me laugh.
November 17th, 2009 at 6:14 pm
LOL! River’s goes to my church and that makes this all the funnier. He’s got like 3 or 4 kids and he’s 26!
November 17th, 2009 at 6:14 pm
“With enough fertility drugs, we can make her LaBlackOctoBitch.”
There are tears in my eyes. That might be the funniest thing I ever read.
Wade and Jerry and Marmalard in the same day. See, Jesus really does love us.
November 17th, 2009 at 6:39 pm
Two of my favorite posts in one day, thanks for a fucking awesome Tuesday!
November 17th, 2009 at 7:18 pm
LaLooksLikeaDude.
November 17th, 2009 at 7:47 pm
So this week we’ve had Tawmmy, W&J, and now Marmalard. Truly, somebody is smiling down on us.
November 17th, 2009 at 10:54 pm
first there was sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex, and then rushrushrushrushrushrushrush. Why can’t LaToeInjury’s wife get pregnant every week?
November 18th, 2009 at 12:44 am
Ensign, are you all right?
No Colonel, I’m high!
Ensign, have you made up your weakling mind yet?
No man, I need a sandwich.
Fucker:
Can I get some King Crimson In the background?
Fuck off! That costs extra.
I guess I’ll have Echo and The Bunnymen for the win Alex?
The air is getting slippery.
Good god man, have you considered the children?
Fuck the children, Annie!
Fuck the children.
There is a thing as too much cheese.
Purple Cush is alive and well.
November 18th, 2009 at 5:11 am
And then?
No “and then”!
And then?
No “and then”!
That’s all I could think about when I was reading this. Stoner comedies FTW.
November 18th, 2009 at 11:16 am
This might be my favorite KSK post ever…but why?
LaExpectingCouple
That’s why
November 18th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
babybabypiratebabybabypiratebabybabypirate