The Most Fearsome Wedding Procession Ever
I cry for this couple’s future children. Hell, I weep for all of us. Thank goodness we’re all gonna be wiped clean from the Earth in 2012. Because, really, once you see a bald, schlubby white groom do the spastic Ray Lewis “dance” to greet friends and family with his Flacco jersey adorned bride at their wedding reception, you know there’s no reason for us to wasting God’s splendors.
Besides a shocking paucity of purple camo, I did notice that this is a crowd appreciative of mediocrity (guess they have to be), as you can spot two people in Mark Clayton jerseys and another in a Sam Koch. No Kyle Boller for the estranged in-law everyone hates?
Careful about watching past the two-minute mark. It gets a little tender. [stifles tear]
Poor young saps. They never had a chance. At least once they get divorced, you know they’ll just blame the refs.
[Thanks to reader Alex for the tip]
Tags: FEARSOME RAVENS FANS, xmas ape
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November 19th, 2009 at 9:57 am
This marriage will most likely end in Pittsburgh.
November 19th, 2009 at 10:00 am
I lived outside of Baltimore for 10 months…may I say, there is no classier bunch, than Ravens fans. Where else can you dress as a purple pimp, and mispronounce the letter “O”?
November 19th, 2009 at 10:05 am
I probably could have done something like this with Ohio State jerseys when I got married. I didn’t because I have a bit of self-respect.
November 19th, 2009 at 10:10 am
i would have absolutely lost it if he came down, had the wedding party gather around him and he started doing the “what time is it?” speech.
November 19th, 2009 at 10:11 am
@ Long Ball Larry: Minnesota? Crazy accents in that part of the world.
November 19th, 2009 at 10:13 am
Everyone knows Raven jerseys and purple camo are considered formal wear by Ravens fans. And jorts, I forgot jorts.
November 19th, 2009 at 10:17 am
Baltimore should have never been allowed to get their football team back. Bob Irsay was a hero
November 19th, 2009 at 10:18 am
SO, um I’m going to the Steelers Ravens 11/29 game with my buddy who’s a yuuuge Steelers fan. I’m a Giants fan who’s just going there cause we are getting a VIP meeting with the Ravens Cheerleaders (no, really. A buddy of mine who works for Budweiser has personal connections). I will be sitting in the Yinzer section, so I can’t wear any Ravens colors. Should I even wear my Giants Jersey or will I get murdered and thrown off the 500 section?
If you wish, I will send pics of the cheerleaders.
November 19th, 2009 at 10:18 am
I hate these people.
November 19th, 2009 at 10:20 am
Good call Ken Gryphon Jr. I didn’t think of that. As for Upstate Underdog, very good call on the purple camo…it is handed out to you with the purple pimp hat and feather when you move to Baltimore or its surrounding counties.
November 19th, 2009 at 10:23 am
Steelers fans don’t generally care about the Giants, so you should be fine being the douche who wears the jersey of a team that isn’t playing.
November 19th, 2009 at 10:26 am
My sister very seriously talked about doing something like this with Patriots jerseys for her wedding. After watching this, I’m glad we didn’t go that route. Then again we don’t have any players with spaz dances to imitate.
They did go as far as to announce “And the wedding party… choosing to be introduced as a team…”. So we’ve got that going for us. Which is nice.
November 19th, 2009 at 10:31 am
It’s a good thing same-sex marriage isn’t legal in Maryland.
It would totally ruin the sanctity of this sacred institution.
November 19th, 2009 at 10:34 am
Groom Douche: Whaaat TIME is it?
Groom’s Party: Ball and Chain Time!
Groom Douche: Whaaat TIME is it?
Groom’s Party: Ball and Chain Time!
Groom Douche: Any dawgs in the house?
Groom’s Party:
Groom Douche: Any dawgs in the house?
Groom’s Party:
Groom Douche:
Gotta love those Ravens fans.
November 19th, 2009 at 10:35 am
Groom Douche: Whaaat TIME is it?
Groom’s Party: Ball and Chain Time!
Groom Douche: Whaaat TIME is it?
Groom’s Party: Ball and Chain Time!
Groom Douche: Any dawgs in the house?
Groom’s Party: Barking
Groom Douche: Any dawgs in the house?
Groom’s Party: Barking
Groom Douche: Psedo-inspiring speech about love followed by an annulment because the groom can’t score.
Gotta love those Ravens fans.
//fixed
November 19th, 2009 at 10:35 am
@ Ape
Like all the fans who were at the Pates/Bucs game in London right?
November 19th, 2009 at 10:36 am
When is the funeral for the cameraman that pissed off Lewis and his two friends at the 1:05 mark?
November 19th, 2009 at 10:36 am
Upstate, I thought Jorts were formal wear south of Augusta? Ya know, for the Tebowners…
November 19th, 2009 at 10:37 am
If they had done this in Chiefs jerseys the groom would’ve spit on the bride, the best man would’ve fallen down the stairs and planted his face in the maid of honor’s knee, and the father of the bride would’ve been shouting profanities at whomever ended up dropping the bouquet (because it would’ve been dropped).
November 19th, 2009 at 10:37 am
“We’d like to thank Mr. Michael Tunison for giving us this wonderful idea in his book…”
November 19th, 2009 at 10:38 am
That night, the entire wedding party nailed his wife. He then came into the orgy at the last second and took all the credit for fucking her.
November 19th, 2009 at 10:38 am
@Ape – like that time you wore a steelers jersey to the Ravens-Bengals game, douche? http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2006/11/ksk-visits-baltimore-somehow-manages_06.html
November 19th, 2009 at 10:39 am
I refuse to take seriously a fan base who not only tolerates a murderer on the team, but embraces him as a positive role model. Yeah, I’m looking at you too Rams fans.
November 19th, 2009 at 10:45 am
@Realist
Just like that.
/freely admits he occasionally engages in douchey behavior
//loves the Ravens fan reveling in his gotcha moment
November 19th, 2009 at 10:48 am
Is it me, or did “Ngata” look a little too eager to pat the groom on the butt there in the first minute?
November 19th, 2009 at 10:56 am
@ newhope Somehow I want include Brodie Croyle in this, perhaps a groomsman breaks a leg while walking to the dance floor….
November 19th, 2009 at 10:58 am
@dm: Try for some kind of mostly nuetral shit with a little bit of purple somewhere on your body. Team colors, yet hopefully the Yinzers won’t pour beer on you.
November 19th, 2009 at 11:03 am
Needs more stabbing.
Then denial.
November 19th, 2009 at 11:03 am
I wasn’t really planning to wear my Giants Jersey out of fear of being assaulted by fat, degenerate purple people eaters on my way to the stadium. (Minnesota, you’ve relinquished your moniker and handed it over to Ravens fans because……well just look at them).
I was just going to let the Yinzers int the stands know in the nicest way possible that their ‘D’ isn’t much without hair-boy.
November 19th, 2009 at 11:05 am
That poor woman.
November 19th, 2009 at 11:05 am
I was just going to let the Yinzers int the stands know in the nicest way possible that their ‘D’ isn’t much without hair-boy.
You mean a defense isn’t as good without its best player? Shocking!
November 19th, 2009 at 11:09 am
Upcountry: that’s half of what I came here to say.
The other thing I want to know is, when are we going to make it a rule that something has to exist for a certain period of time before you can have a theme wedding of it? I vote for a 20 year minimum.
/Seriously, that team shouldn’t fucking exist.
//And while we’re at it, who the hell dresses a football team in purple and names it after a poem. BAWLTIMAH FAGGOTS! Fuck that team.
November 19th, 2009 at 11:09 am
@dm72 my wife and I went to a preseason Giants Ravens game in 2007, and she had on a Toomer jersey, and a group of guys began screaming obscenities at her…mostly about how they kicked “her” ass in the Superbowl…mind you, that was many years earlier. The classy fans care not if you are a man or a woman.
November 19th, 2009 at 11:16 am
Meanwhile in Cleveland, Brady Quinn got stood up by Art Modell’s grandson.
November 19th, 2009 at 11:20 am
I would be shocked if the wedding party didn’t hail from Dundalk.
November 19th, 2009 at 11:30 am
Did that white chick throw up a gang sign at 2:40 or am I just seeing things?
/would make complete sense if it was a gang sign
//Bawlmer gangs don’t check the internet right?
November 19th, 2009 at 11:31 am
Yeah, Ravens are stupid! HAHAHAHA! Baltimore sux, losers! HAHAHAHA! And they’re faggots who have sex with fat chicks from Dundalk!
Red meat for the idiots day at KSK, apparently. Seriously? This the best you got, Ape?
/hates Ravens fans as much as everyone else.
//tired of stale jokes
November 19th, 2009 at 11:37 am
This the best you got, Ape?
Well, I did work that sad little temper tantrum out of you, so I feel like I accomplished something today.
November 19th, 2009 at 11:42 am
And 5 minutes later the wedding was over when the bride caught the groom in the mens room blowing the groomsmen.
Because only Stiller fans keep their team’s jersey on while taking a load.
/could care less about either team
//but hopes they all die in a fire
///after Ray Ray stabs them
November 19th, 2009 at 11:46 am
@ Todd Heap’s Bible
Faggots who have sex with chicks define clutch!
November 19th, 2009 at 11:54 am
If you’re going to go through with something like this, the least you can do is practice the Ray Lewis spazz dance so as to do a better than piss poor rendition like the one that we got here. Also, is ‘Lean on Me’ to be considered the anthem of Fearsome Ravens fans everywhere?
I have no doubts Ape would pull some shit like this with a Yinzer theme at his wedding. The song for the first dance? This.
November 19th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
Any Stillers-themed wedding would be heavy on the polka shit or “Renegade“. “It’s Polamalu” is a cutesy novelty song for later in the evening.
Not that I’m planning this or anything.
November 19th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
Steelers fans would never do anything so trashy.
/depressed that Googling “Steelers themed wedding” turned up so many hits
November 19th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
Eh, that’s nowhere nearly as bad as I was expecting. They just showed up at the practice facility in their formalwear. Not like the groom was doing Brett Keisel’s shooting arrow sack celebration or anything. Of course, I’m sure Jeff Reed drunkenly got into fighter’s stance with the groom later.
November 19th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
I can see it now Ape. You rocking the Ward jersey while making slanty eyes, smiling and talking like the City Wok owner from South Park, the bride with her hair blown out like Polamalu trying to sell people on Head and Shoulders, the groomsmen in Santonio Holmes jerseys standing around with prosthetic 14′ cocks hanging out, and a drunken uncle in a Jeff Reed jersey arm in arm with that gigantic parrot. Now that I think about it… can I come?
November 19th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
Ape – I’ll play the part of Jeff Reed at you wedding as long as I can bang Jean Gray in a drunken stupor in the hotel.
Wait, she’s only a cat?
And that video is total proof that I should always remember to have my coffee ready before looking at KSK. My brain can not handle the stupidity sometimes.
November 19th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
/shootsself
November 19th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
Me and the first wife did this back in the late 80’s. Her in Burt Jones me in Stan White with the Colts Marching band. Bitch left me and took off to Indy. Damn i still miss her. Shes seeing by best friend now and coming to visit this weekend. Baby get out the camo teddie.
November 19th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
miamidiesel: don’t forget the “special needs” nephew in the Big Ben jersey who keeps fidgeting and asking if he can go get his “Intendo” out of the car.
November 19th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
I invited Troy Aikman to my wedding but once he realized my California-based marriage was not one of “those” weddings, his calendar was suddenly full.
November 19th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
Shouldn’t we always cry for crackbabies?
November 19th, 2009 at 1:08 pm
@Ape: Sorry, I thought the groom was poignantly articulate. Perhaps this wedding was more like what you were expecting. Nice bandanna on the ring bearer at the end.
November 19th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
@claude: Yeah that was about right. Nice to see the groom shaved the sides of the head real close for the big day. Really sets off the ponytail.
My guess is the bride had one of these for the wedding day. http://tinyurl.com/ybmu92y Once size fits most, unless you’re the type that would actually wear them.
November 19th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
The classy fans care not if you are a man or a woman.
True, but when they yell “Show us your tits!” at a fat guy, their hearts aren’t completely into it.
November 19th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
Mullet pony tail, check. Groom missing teeth, check. Steeler’s golf shirts on weeding party, check. Terrible towels hanging out of back pockets, check.
These are Ape’s people.
AT LEAST THERE ARE NO DAHHKIES!
NO ONE DENIES THIS!
November 19th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
@AJ That would require people actually coming to Pittsburgh.
November 19th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
If the old Colts Band isn’t playing at this wedding. Then they ain’t real Ravens fans.
November 20th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
Wow thats hurtful to the couple. Let them at least have a shot at happiness before you are planning their divorce.
November 20th, 2009 at 3:55 pm
Umm… this isn’t a wedding procession.
November 20th, 2009 at 6:45 pm
I hate fans of all teams.
November 20th, 2009 at 9:54 pm
Dude all off you are fag haters, over 100 comments of nothing but haters.