The KSK Sex/Fantasy Football Mailbag: Holy Hell, You Will Not Believe This F’d Up S
I was supposed to write the mailbag last night, but then I got drunk on bacon-infused bourbon Old Fashioneds, watched “Top Chef,” and went to bed a little before midnight. Then I woke up at 3:30 a.m. and couldn’t fall asleep, so I decided to answer your questions in the quiet hours before dawn. Now that it’s well into the afternoon, I’m a goddamn zombie and that’s why you’re not getting any kind of sensible introduction here.
Featured below: a follow-up message from the gentleman whose girlfriend has the regrettable tattoo she’s ashamed of, the wonders of Ray Rice and Donald Driver, shtupping roommates and local barmaids, suicide pools, ex-lesbians, bald college poon, and the absolute worst drunken college experience possible. Enjoy.
Fantasy: In my work league I start 3 WR, but I’m loaded with 4 good ones. Pick the 3. TJ Housh @ Zona, Wayne @ Pats, Driver @ Dallas, and Megatron @ Minny.
Ooh, tough one. I’d say Wayne and Megatron for sure, and I’d give a slight edge to Driver over Houshmandzadeh. As an owner of both Driver and T.J., Housh has been frustratingly uneven all year, while Driver seems to break a long a touchdown every other game. I haven’t seen many sing the praises of Donald Driver this year, but he’s one of the more pleasant surprises this fantasy season. In my PPR league that starts three WRs, Driver’s the 14th-ranked wideout, just after Welker and ahead of guys like Mike Sims-Walker and Brandon Marshall. That’s a nice return on a late-round old guy.
I’m the “FUCK” tattoo guy. Not that you care,
But we DO care!
but I tried a different approach on Friday. We hadn’t seen each other in a week because she had to go to a funeral. I picked her up from the airport and when we got to my place I showed her what I did. I wrote “FUCK” across my chest in Sharpie. It actually worked. Best sex we’ve ever had. She had no shame when I showed her I had none. Thanks for the help. I’m pretty smitten by this chick, so I had to get over it. You and the comments helped some. Way to go!
-Shuan
Hooray! We helped! Kind of!
Business: Standard scoring, non-PPR league and could use a hand at RB2 this week. I’ve got Joey Addai vs the Chowds and Ryan Grant vs. Jerry’s Boys. Gotta play 1.
I’m sure you’ll want me tarred and feathered after Sunday proves me wrong, but I’d go with Ryan Grant. I just don’t trust Belichick when it comes to fantasy. You never know when he’s going to design a game plan to shut down a single player or give carries to the third-string running back, with no greater purpose than to fuck over fantasy owners.
Pleasure: I live about a block from a neighborhood bar that my buddies and I like to frequent. There is a very hot young bartender that works there that is in to me. I’ve been in a prolonged dryspell, and this hottie would not only bust my slump but would be a solid knock out of the park. The only catch is that it’s fairly obvious that she’s emotionally….needy and I’m fully engrossed in my return to full bachelordom. I don’t want a relationship, just a fuck buddy and knowing most chicks, that will likely end up being an issue. Do I hit it, risk pissing her off and potentially make my self unwelcome at my favorite watering hole? Or do I let this one go and keep it corked for awhile longer?
Gracias, E.H.
I say go for it. A lot of adults can engage in sex without committing to a relationship; she just might be one of them. And if not, well, she doesn’t work at the bar every night, does she?
To my heroes,
I don’t have a fantasy question, I do want Andy Reid to fall into a giant vat of bubbling lard though.
Unsilent Majority: you mean his food trough?
I have very recently found out that my old roommate and erstwhile best friend has been fucking my ex girlfriend (and I believe he even wrote in to the mailbag about it!)
Awkward!
Now of course this came as a great shock and since I loved the girl, excuse me for being a pussy, but I am heartbroken. Now we weren’t together or anything at the time so I won’t dwell on that fact, even though its really fucked up. My question relates to this. I want to get over this by burying myself in pretty much everything with a vagina that I’m not related to that passes my way. However, I’ve never exactly been a Lothario and I’m no smooth talker. What is the rule on playing the hurt card? I am actually hurt badly by all this, to what degree should I use that if I should use it at all to find said vagina. Has that even worked before? Should I just grin and bear it and be stoic about it?
–Uncle Rahls
I’m not a fan of this so-called “hurt card.” What’s the angle? You want women to sleep with you because they feel sorry for you? Pfffft. If anything, the hurt card is really only useful in keeping yourself from getting embroiled in a new relationship when you’ve achieved your goal of casual sex. And it’s not even a “card” to play as much as it is honesty: there’s nothing wrong with saying “I’m not emotionally ready for a relationship” if you’re not emotionally ready for a relationship. In fact, it’s commendable.
Gentlemen,
Well fuck you. I am one of those readers that you have just cast aside over the last weeks claiming immunity on the basis that you could not get to all the questions. I came to you out of curiosity two weeks ago; I come to you now out of desperation.
Football: I have lost all ability to choose my RB’s. I need three. Brown and/or Williams @TB; Gore @Chi; Addai @NE or S. Jackson @NO. I have been playing Brown and Williams and that has proceeded to slaughter me as I sit there and watch Addai fuck me on his way to two TD’s. I am only confident in Gore.
Blech, I’ve never liked owning two carry-sharing RBs from the same team. I’d rather have one guy and sometimes be fated to getting fucked than face the weekly two-chamber Russian roulette. As for your decision this week, it’s a tough one: you’ve got some great talent and some favorable matchups. Whenever I can’t make up my mind, I simply go with the most talented player. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, but at least it’s system. And having a system means that you can blame the system instead of your decision-making abilities. So: Gore and Jackson.
Sex: Much more important then my shit league is my roommate. I wrote to you two weeks ago saying that I thought it was a really good possibility that I was going to fuck my new roommate. Well we did. We did all weekend. Now it’s Tuesday and it’s real awkward. We haven’t talked at all since I left her room on Saturday night to go back to my room. She is a cool chick, but I can’t date my roommate, I don’t piss where I eat.
Au contraire. You just urinated all over the dining room.
I don’t want a fuck buddy either especially one who sleeps 15 feet away from me. We are stuck together no matter what for at least another year, do i avoid her or just man up and confront the awkwardness?
-P.M.
I remember your email from two weeks ago. Dude, it didn’t matter what I or anyone in the comments said: you were gonna bang this chick regardless. Obviously — and this is a topic that’s been covered in previous mailbags — sleeping with your roommate is a terrible idea. It creates all sorts of pitfalls in navigating your bachelor’s life. But since the damage is done, avoiding or ignoring the situation isn’t going to help.
Here’s what I would do if I had your terrible judgment: take her out for a drink (dinner is too date-y, lunch or coffee is too formal), and begin by apologizing for not speaking to her for several days afterward — be honest and say that you didn’t know how to handle it. Then tell her you’re happy that you spent a weekend wearing each other out, because it was obvious that it was what both of you wanted. Then say that you think it’s probably not the best idea to get involved with someone you live with, because you don’t want to be jealous when she moves on and brings another guy home and shit like that. Then what will happen next is she’ll probably agree with you, then you two will have some more drinks and have sex anyway. Then the next year of your life will be spent occasionally having sex with her while you never develop a relationship with anyone else because it’s too awkward to bring a girl home, so you’ll only ever hook up with someone else if you can go back to her place or if your roommate is out of town.
Essentially, you’re fucked. But if you approach the situation with openness and honesty, you’ll make your life somewhat easier.
Hey fellas,
Quasi-Fantasy First: I have a suicide pool question as opposed to the traditional fantasy team question for you. By a bit of luck and educated guesses, I’m still in a suicide pool and somehow still have the Colts, Saints, Cowboys and Broncos to choose from over the heart of the season. Seeing as these teams will more than likely make the playoffs, is it a better idea to use them over the next few weeks and take my chances with teams who have a pretty good chance to make the playoffs or use these powerhouses in December when Sorgi will get lots of snaps?
While it’s nice to have those excellent teams available to you, I’d look at it from the other way: who are the terrible teams playing that you haven’t used? I’d be poring over the schedules of the Redskins, Lions, Browns, and Raiders. Those teams are dogshit. Dude, the Lions blew a 17-point lead to the Seahawks last week. Shitty teams are where you’re gonna make your money.
Sex: Here’s a set of circumstances that I’m not sure warrant red flags and I should run for the hills or worth the risk/heartbreak. I’m 30, college educated and have been in the work force 10+ years, she’s 25 just finished grad school, never had a real job or any work experience. She mentioned possibly moving in together as she can no longer keep her student housing. We started having a heated discussion about the job market and where it may or may not lead and although I am paying for everything right now, when the job market recovers, I would want her to contribute financially if she were living with me. She impolitely disagrees.
Well, fuck her in the face.
Been dating for about 5 months and New Years Day would be when she would move into my place. Other possible red flags: I am the first guy she’s dated since she was in high school. Her current roommate is her ex-girlfriend, who gives me the death stare when I am in her presence. They broke up about 3 months before we started dating, but still share their house. She is also a big fan of jam bands. Endearing qualities: Although she has a very hippy vibe, she does not reek of patchouli. She loves football and hockey. She is a solid 8.5.
I’ll be honest: I kind of hate your girlfriend.
sidebar: If a threesome were to happen with her and another girl, it wouldn’t be her roommate as roommate is totally butch and has sworn to cut my dick off if I make her cry. So, should I stick with her hoping she comes into the real world sooner than later or end it now?
-Lesbo Converter
Listen, that’s great that she’s hot and likes sports. But dude, this girl has never been an actual grown-up, and the notion that someone wants to live with you and has issued not a request but the expectation that you pay her portion of the rent and continue to do so in perpetuity? FUCK. THAT. SHIT.
Oh, the economy’s shit and she can’t put her master’s degree to use? Boo fucking hoo, Denny’s needs a waitress. She isn’t entitled to shit. Welcome to life, honey. Pay your bills. Pay your own fucking rent. And if she’s got a problem with that, she can go crying to her dyke ex-girlfriend and munch box for a living. Put that broad on waivers.
Dear Sir or Madam,
I am torn at the Flex position this week between Devin Hester (Thurs. @ SF) and Ladell Betts (Sun. vs. Den). Please help me with this shitshow.
Yeesh. My knee-jerk reaction was Hester, who’s had at least six catches each of the last four weeks. But Betts looked good filling in for Clinton Portis, and Denver did give up 155 yards to Rashard Mendenhall in getting exposed on Monday night. So I don’t know. Given that the Redskins are fucking terrible and will likely be throwing most of the second half, I’d lean towards Hester.
I am also torn about Christmas with the old lady. My girlfriend is freaking out because she has strong feelings about wanting to spend Christmas together. She is pretty adamant about being together that day, but apparently that means giving up my family celebration for hers in a far, far different location, and my family is going to be fucking pissed if I’m not there with them. Keep in mind, her and I haven’t been together long enough at all to call the other’s family our in-laws. This is hardly sex related, but could very well result in a chain of events to affect it. Do I say fuck it, hurt her feelings, and catch her on the flip side, or do I bargain?
-Santos L. Halper
I gave up a Christmas once to spend it with a girlfriend’s family instead of my own. We were awfully young (something like 23 and 19) but pretty serious about each other, and I was very much already welcomed into her parents’ home. It was my first Christmas away from my family, and it turned out okay. Looking back, I would have preferred to spend it with my family, but at the time it was the right thing for my relationship and the girl I was head over heels for.
Judging by the tone of your email, you would rather be with your family, so be with your family. Just explain to her that as special as she is to you, your family has been in your life a whole lot longer than she has been, and you choosing them isn’t a sign of disrespect to her but a sign of respect to your familial bond. If you have to, bargain: arrange for a separate trip to meet/spend time with her family. Easter’s nice for that.
My friends and brethren at KSK,
I need help the good ol’ fantasy squad this week. I have to start 3 of these WRs. Please help me choose. They are: Brandon Marshall (@WAS), Mike Sims-Walker (@NYJ), Sidney Rice (DET), Jerricho Cotchery (JAC), Malcom Floyd (PHI), Mohamed Massaquoi (BAL). I was leaning towards a line-up of B-Marsh, Rice, and Cotchery. What combo do you think would lead to me to victory this week?
Pretty good, but I’d go with Sims-Walker over Cotchery. Cotchery’s only found the end zone once all season.
As for the more romantic aspects of life. People are always asking whether you’re an Ass man or Tit man. Some people who don’t have the balls to choose one say, a little bit of both. I was just wondering what the gentlemen at KSK preferred?
-Chronic
I don’t have such a narrow worldview. If a girl’s got a perfect ass but not much up top, then I’m an ass man. If a girl’s got a flat ass but a great rack, then I’m a tit man. If I see a petite thing with great stems in kitten heels, voilà, I’m a leg man.
I appreciate women’s bodies, plain and simple. I love great tits. I love a phenomenal ass. To choose one or the other is to deny yourself the beauty of the female form.
what up KSK-
Fantasy first. I’m pretty positive I’m making the playoffs in my league. I’m 8-1, the 2nd place team is 5-4. It’s a ten team league and 4 teams make the playoffs. A very big reason for my winning is taking risks on drafting Ochocinco and Benson early in the draft when no one else was. Now, is it ok for me to adopt the Bengals as my favorite team for the rest of the season considering these three factors: (1) Obviously they are a big part of me being 8-1 at this point, (2) I’m a huge Bears fan (obviously rooting for Benson kind of sucks), but I really want Lovie/Angelo gone otherwise that franchise will become Browns-esque; but with more sulk. (3) I go to grad school in ‘the city of champions’ (shoot me in the face), so naturally Steeler fans made me despise the Steelers. Am I a douche for rooting for the Bengals out of wanting my coach fired, fantasy football, and hatred for their rival fanbase?
Nope. Those are excellent reasons to root for a team. If scientists could harness my hatred for the Steelers, it would solve the energy crisis. Go Bengals! (Note: you still have to cheer for the Bears as your #1 team. Even if it’s cheering for a higher draft pick.)
On to the bangaranging. I drink heavily and often. I’ve made girls I’ve slept with feel bad about themselves because I wasn’t able ejac because I’ve been so drunk. Obviously it’s an awkward thing and i have to pull some “no, i am attracted to you, i’m just shitfaced” bullshit. I’ve tried being like, ‘why don’t we try again in the morning?’ but that seems to piss them off more. How would you deal with this? (yes I know I should maybe just not get so shitty)
Oh, and thanks for giving me stuff to read when I should be listening to some nerd drone on about federal rules of evidence and shit.
-Jack Daniels
Fake an orgasm. It preserves her feelings and prevents your embarrassment. (NOTE: this only works if you’re wearing a condom, which obviously you should be doing anyway.) Then when you get it on again in the morning, she’ll think you’re really virile. What a sucker!
Dear KSK,
Fantasy first: Mendenhall v cincy with willie parker returning, or moreno @wash with a struggling washington run d… standard scoring, ppr.
Yahoo projects Mendenhall to get 14.08 points in a PPR league. Knowshon: only 7.42. Now, it goes without saying that Yahoo projections will fuck you in the ass if you give them the chance, but that’s a pretty big disparity. Go with ‘Shard.
Sex second: Let me preface this by saying I hate anal, and this has nothing to do with the question, but I want it to be duly noted. I am a 22 year old college senior at a major state school. I am about as far from a virgin as you can get, but as I near graduation, I find myself questioning the fact that I am manipulating 18 and 19 year old girls into giving me sucking/fucking me pretty much all over campus.
Obviously I love this, and am not complaining, but I feel like I should start preparing for the real world where girls aren’t trashy and they enjoy relationships. I guess the real question is, when do you move on from the random strange in anticipation of bars/parties where girls don’t show you their tits for lukewarm natty lights?
When you graduate from college and get a job. Not a minute before then. Do you hear me? NOT ONE FUCKING MINUTE.
Bonus question, why do so many girls like the bald look nowadays? To quote a fictional hero of mine Hank Moody, “And 3, while I’m down there it might be nice to see a hint of pubis. I’m not talking about a huge 70’s Playboy bush or anything. Just something that reminds me that I’m performing cunnilingus on an adult.”
gloriously,
anal non-enthusiast
There are plenty of women who don’t tend their gardens. And there are many who tend them but leave some hair. You’ll learn this when you leave your big state school and start missing the days of getting hot teenage shaved pussy all the time.
Dear Pubes On Bars Of Soap,
Football: Would you trade Steve Smith (NYG) and Julius Jones for Ocho? Steve Smith is on a bye this week and it’s a crucial matchup for me. I could really use Ocho’s points, but there’s still a decent chance I win without him (even though I’d either be playing Johnny Knox, Pierre Garcon, or Andre Caldwell).
Smith has more yards and as many touchdowns as Ochocinco, so in essence you’re giving up a better wide receiver and a running back for a lesser wideout (as far as number this season are concerned). However, on a week-to-week basis, I think Smith and Ocho are essentially a wash — you can be reasonably assured that Chad’s going to continue to produce. If you really need the help, I’d say make the trade, but counter-offer to trade the WRs straight up.
Pussy-pounding: The girl I’ve been dating for a month and am really into just dropped the bomb on me – she has herpes. I’ve been fortunate to keep my dick clean for 26 years and 30+ partners, but after a little research I found out that herpes isn’t that easy to transfer unless the carrier has an outbreak. Should I say fuck it and just keep my mouth away from her meat curtains, or keep my dick sore-free and move along?
Thanks,
Paterfamilias
I’d like to direct you to the KSK mailbag from March 12th of this year, in which Drew provided what I consider to be the definitive take on dating someone with herpes:
I think it’s pretty damn considerate (and rather) brave of her to let you know that she’s got the herps. Estimates say 40% of New Yorkers have herpes. At this point, it’s less a disease than a cool genital accessory (oooh look! Spots!). She’s right about it not being that big a deal. If you use a rubber and never hook up during outbreaks, you should be fine. But you should ALWAYS wear a rubber, because the truth is that herpes can indeed spread even when she is not breaking out if you aren’t using protection. CRIMINY! Sly little virus, that herpes. [...]
The real issue is down the road. If you end up getting married and wanting to have kids with this girl or something, at some point you’ll have to risk riding bareback. Is it worth the occasional breakout of dick spots to have a happy relationship with a woman you find extremely attractive? I say yes. Getting a hot girl with herpes is like getting a Corvette at government auction. THAT’S GOOD VALUE FOR YOUR PENIS!
Dear KSK,
Football: I’m kind of spoiled. I need to pick two out of: Ray Rice @Cle, Ronnie Brown vs TB, and Chris Johnson vs Buf. Also, if i was thinking of trading one, which one?
In a PPR league, Ray Rice is the third-ranked fantasy running back in the NFL. Play Rice and Johnson. Trade Brown.
Sex: Ugh, I don’t even know were to begin. This is pretty fucked up, so if you want to pass on this I won’t be offended or anything. For reference, I’m a 21 year old male. Okay. So it had been awhile since I last got laid. It’s not that I’m a freak or anything, I just have intense commitment issues. But that could be it’s own topic altogether. I only bring this up because it relates later.
So anyway, I have a gay friend. We hang out occasionally, mostly seeing each other at parties, that sort of thing.
Uh oh. I see where this is going.
This last weekend we just so happened to be going to the same party. I ended up drinking, a lot. I’ll spare you the nitty gritty, but I ended up having sex with my gay friend.
Now I am completely straight. I realize that sounds retarded considering I had gay sex, but it’s one thing I’m totally positive about. I’ve never been attracted to another man, ever. I watch exclusively straight or lesbian porn, I’m not even remotely turned on or attracted to guy on guy porn.
Here’s another thing, I was blacked out the whole time. I literally was standing in the kitchen with a large group of people, and then next thing I knew I woke up in bed with another dude.
And ANOTHER thing. From the conversation I had with him the next morning. Apparently, it wasn’t just a little sex. It was a lot of sex. Multiple hours of really hardcore sex.
Bleh.
Okay.
What do I say to this guy? I’m not even sure I want to even see him again! Can you reasonably have a friendship with someone after that? How do I get over something like that? I mean, it’s really easy to say “Well, it doesn’t change who you are” or whatever. But I gotta say, it’s really a mindfuck finding out you went all out with another dude. I feel like maybe I’m over reacting. He hangs out with a lot of the same people I do, so it’s not like I can just run away from this. I don’t want to upset him or anything but “Yeah, when we fucked I was totally blacked out and even thinking about it makes me want to vomit” seems like a pretty shitty thing to tell someone, even if it’s the truth.
I’m also really terrified of other people finding out. I have no idea who knows what actually happened. Would I lose friends over this? Do I just try and bury all of this or do I come out with it?
Can I ever go back to being who I was before all this? Please help.
Thanks,
never drinking again
Yikes. Wow. Hoo boy.
First things first: have you considered the possibility that you were raped? I mean, you’re straight, you were blacked out, and he had a whole lot of anal sex with you without you remembering a thing. Think about it: if that same scenario happened between a woman and a guy in an Ed Hardy t-shirt, everyone would call it rape.
Verdict: gay rape, also known as “grape.”
I apologize for not being more serious, but holy shit, dude. I don’t even know where to begin. Before you take a word of anyone’s advice — be it my own or someone in the comments — I’d make a beeline to a mental health professional. That’s some heavy shit that goes beyond what little expertise I have.
In fact, I don’t think I want to give you any advice on the chance that it might be bad advice. I have no idea what you can or should say to your gay friend. I don’t know the best way to keep this under wraps (Jesus, have you seen the way gay men gossip?). I have no clue how your friends might react, and I can’t begin to imagine how you’d go about getting past this, other than by seeking professional help.
I don’t know what to say here. Um, at least you have Ray Rice and Chris Johnson as your starting running backs?
Tags: captain caveman, ksk fantasy sex advice mailbag, Mmmmm tentacle grape
November 12th, 2009 at 3:04 pm
I’m a bigger fan of tentacle orange
November 12th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
Grape makes the mailbag get all real and shit. Yow. I’m thinking that Mr. Grape should call the police, and I’m offering the same advice to him as to any woman I know who gets raped- get tested for STD’s, posthaste.
November 12th, 2009 at 3:16 pm
Yikes.
November 12th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
To straight-gay sex guy: …uhh…sorry ’bout your cornhole, dude…
November 12th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
E.H., a really good neighborhood bar is hard to find. Tread carefully.
November 12th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
Yep, blacking out (roofied) and sex without rational consent = rape.
November 12th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
I don’t know how long so called “date rape” drugs stay in the system, but he might want to get tested to see if any of those are in his system
November 12th, 2009 at 3:22 pm
Sorry, hit return before I was finished. I don’t think the Graped dude needs to worry about offending his gay friend. Man, he’s not much of a friend.
November 12th, 2009 at 3:22 pm
Dear God, CC, you fucking ROCK! Why on earth are you writing for this pussy UPROXX outfit, when you could be the new Dr. Fucking Ruth?!
As for the the dude with the 8.5 girlfriend who doesn’t want to pay for anything, DUMP THAT FUCKING SHIT. Seriously. Tell her she’s not in fucking college anymore, daddy doesn’t pay the bills anymore, it’s time to GROW THE FUCK UP and start paying bills, like the REST OF THE FUCKING WORLD. And if she doesn’t want to do that, well, fuck her sideways with a rusty clawhammer.
November 12th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
It was only a matter of time until a gay rape (grape) letter showed up here.
November 12th, 2009 at 3:27 pm
A higher draft pick for the Bears means a higher draft pick for the Broncos…and Bucs…
November 12th, 2009 at 3:27 pm
To the guy bitching about bald beaver: buy a merkin and have it handy when you encounter a smooth slit.
November 12th, 2009 at 3:27 pm
@ the blacked out male:
I had a friend in highschool who had a gay roomate in college. About a month after being with him, gay porn videos were found on the web. Roomate drugged him and raped him. Seriously, question it.
November 12th, 2009 at 3:30 pm
last dude: is it at all possible someone’s playing a cruel joke on you?
i sure hope so
November 12th, 2009 at 3:30 pm
Also, to the gay rape guy, even if you weren’t drugged, you might want to tell your gay friend that you were blacked out. Gay or not, he’s an asshole for taking advantage of you while you were tanked. Moreover, if he drugged you, he’s an outright shithead who should get thrown in jail.
Then again, going to the cops about it means you being raped will become public knowledge. Good luck with that.
November 12th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
Before reading anything, I am ridiculously excited about the follow-up from tattooed girlfriend guy, considering that both are complete strangers to me. Damn. I need to get more of a life.
November 12th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
To the guy with the former lesbian girlfriend -
RUN!!!! Don’t walk. Leave. She probably has her masters in anthropology or sociology. She’s going to have to settle for some job she thinks is beneath her. She’ll be insufferable.
To the gay hookup guy -
You might want to consider counseling. There are a lot of issues at work and you need to figure them out.
November 12th, 2009 at 3:35 pm
Gay sex dude : What happened to you is called rape. If you truly blacked out, and he had sex with you, that’s rape, plain and simple, and if you go to the cops, he’ll go to jail for 20 fucking years.
That said, did you really black out? Or are you just saying that to sound sympathetic, or (even more likely) are you just trying really, really, really fucking hard not to think about it and are you subconsciously repressing it?
The reason I ask is that if you were truly blacked out, he’s got to be the world’s biggest fucking asshole to have sex with you for HOURS. Even a fucking necrophiliac gets bored with it after an hour or so. he just kept pounding away for hours while you were semi-dead?
At the same time, you seem awfully concerned with what HE’S gonna feel or think if you do this or that, which seems rather overly sensitive? Are you sure you aren’t sorta, maybe gay?
I’d get together with the dude and talk it out. Unlike what CC said, I have no idea what going to a shrink would do. What are you gonna say “Hi, I had a guy’s dick up my ass for like 3 hours, and now I’m mentally fucked up?”
As for the possibility of keeping it secret, yeah, fat chance of that. He’s gonna tell someone sooner or later. Your best bet is probably to just tell the dude he’s an asshole, then move to a different city.
Also, this is why you don’t get off-your-fucking-gourd shithammered. Drink until you’re pleasantly drunk, then stop. Those eight extra beers don’t make it any more fun, and they lead to shit like this. Huzzah?
November 12th, 2009 at 3:35 pm
Grape Guy: If that guy was actually your friend, he’d KNOW that you aren’t gay and wouldn’t have had sex with you that night, regardless of how drunk you were. I think there is something more going on and its looking like it wasn’t just the alcohol messing with you.
November 12th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
Wow, that made me sound more naive than I meant it to.
The guy is a dick and did something to knock you the fuck out…
November 12th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
Having read tattooed girlfriend guy’s follow-up, I have to say: Awww… that’s kinda sweet.
November 12th, 2009 at 3:38 pm
With any luck, grape guy’s friends just played a hilarious prank on him.
November 12th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
I thought we were going to find out how fat people have sex.
Grape Guy – Sorry man
November 12th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
The guy who banged his roommate not only pissed where he ate, put took a huge shit all over the table, plate and utensils.
November 12th, 2009 at 3:42 pm
Let’s not all yell “Rape” just yet. He might have been the guy who initiated it. He doesn’t know and accusing someone of rape, whether gay or straight, is wrong.
November 12th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
At Grape: Was there “evidence” that you had received anal for “hours” the night before? If you had never received before, I would think you would feel it in the morning (not trying to be a dick, just wondering).
If so, dude…..why are you writing in to this silly website and not either a) pounding the fuck out of this guy or b) calling the police?
November 12th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
@ gay dude
I’ll probably get some shit for this, but often the best solution is the easiest: maybe you are gay. I mean, i’ve never had gay sex, so i cant say for sure, but how would you get a boner, drunk or not, if you don’t have some kind attraction dudes. I agree that you need to seek professional help on this one, because unless you just got anally raped the whole night, then it takes two to tango my friend.
Oh, and that’s some fucked up shit.
November 12th, 2009 at 3:48 pm
RE “Lesbo converter”: I suspect if she was a real lesbo (like her “ex-girlfriend”) you couldn’t have converted her. Sounds more like “decided she likes dick more than pussy, esp. if the dick has a paycheck.”
November 12th, 2009 at 3:48 pm
Grape Guy –
The simplest answer is almost always the correct one:
YOU ARE A HOMO.
November 12th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
One more thing, i’m pretty fucking sure there is no way that you had wild sex for HOURS and don’t remember anything. That isn’t descriptive of a typical alcohol induced blackout. Just saying is all.
November 12th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
i kind of think it makes a difference to grape dude whether he was top or bottom. if he was top, seems to me it would be harder to believe that it could be rape. bottom, less hard to believe that. maybe i overlooked it but i didn’t get a sense of what his role in the proceedings was.
November 12th, 2009 at 3:55 pm
Grapey, is blacking out with no memory of many hours something you do often? If not, I think you need to have a serious talk this guy. If it is something that happens often, well I hate to say it, but your going to have to get over this. I doubt there is any way you can prove it wasn’t consensual at this point. You seem to know this guy fairly well and you aen’t indicating he is a bad character guy.
At the very least, I would do some digging on him to see if he has ever been accused of anything remotely close to this. I would also do some snooping in his place to see if I could find evidence of roofies.
November 12th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
Wow
Gaysexbonerdude: Um I would advise that…… shit man that sucks
November 12th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
Grape guy – Immediately find the nearest cherry-red sports car, get in and slam the door, then cry while saying “I’m a fuggin idiot” over and over.
November 12th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
Oh, and sorry for calling you Grapey. That wasn’t cool.
November 12th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
Lesbo Converter:
Run away, run away, RUN AWAY. Immediately. Basically, this girl wants you to be her daddy, and not in a good way. She doesn’t want to grow up, she wants to be pampered and babied. I’ll take a wild stab here and say that her parents paid for college and grad school; do you really want to be with someone who is selfish enough to have their parents pay for that much school and then not get a f’ing job?*
*My apologizes if this is not the case.
November 12th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
*apologies
November 12th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
Grape: If you’re being 100% honest, then it’s rape, go to the cops. But it doesn’t seem to completely add up for me. I think maybe you’re a little gayer than you’d like to admit. If so, be who you are. If you like dudes and girls, you wouldn’t be the first. Here’s a gross questions – how’d the old rear entry feel? If he raped you for hours that would cause some damage, even if he emptied the crisco can. But if you actually were a willing participant – probably a different story.
November 12th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
Was your asshole sore in the morning? At least you should know if it’s a joke or not.
November 12th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
Jay Culter rooffies his roomate and grapes him.
November 12th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
You know what, after years of faithful loveline listening, i’m going to have to borrow a page from Dr. Drew and proclaim “bogus” to the grape guy. It just doesn’t add up. And if you refer to the Geneva convention of bogus calls/emails, you have to fess up once you have been called out.
BOGUS
November 12th, 2009 at 4:01 pm
To the straight gay guy:
Do you have any recollection of the sex at all? Are there any physical indicators? Does your ass hurt? I’m certainly not making light of the situation, because you’re definely a victim. But whether you’re a victim of rape or the awesomest/most horrible practical joke of all time is unclear from your email.
November 12th, 2009 at 4:02 pm
“I appreciate women’s bodies, plain and simple. I love great tits. I love a phenomenal ass. To choose one or the other is to deny yourself the beauty of the female form.”
Looks I know what my next tattoo is going to say.
November 12th, 2009 at 4:02 pm
LesboConverter:
Do not let her move in, don’t do it. I made that mistake. I was 26, just out of grad school and seeing a girl still in college. We were over at each other’s places all the time and things were great. She suggested it made economical sense to move in together since we basically always slept together and I made the mistake of agreeing. i thought move in together meant 50/50 split of bills, to her it meant that me having the job meant I paid for everything. Her contribution was to buy groceries once a month or so.
The worst part is with that sense of entitlement it goes beyond the “I don’t pay for anything.” It also appears as “I don’t have to help clean”, “I don’t have to help do dishes”, “I can put my stuff where ever”, “I can do whatever I want.” Basically I was the dumb sap paying for to her apartment. She’ll exploit you for everything she can. In my case this girl after she moved thought she had me by the balls, took over two rooms as just hers and trashed the place to the point where I couldn’t have friends over because it was so horribly messy. When I called her on taking up an unfair amount of space, her response was “Yes all my stuff is in the den and living room, but we only use your dishes so the kitchen is your space.” Yes, because I had a full set of dishes I got the kitchen as “my” room.
If you do this, against our advice, make sure that ONLY your name appears on the lease. This was my saving grace. By Thanksgiving I was ready to dump this girl (we moved in over July). I suggested she move out over Christmas, she refused knowing she couldn’t afford her own rent. In the end I paid the landlord to rekey my locks while this girl was at class and told her “GTFO” when she came home and found her key wouldn’t work.
I wouldn’t expect a girl in college to perhaps be able to front 50/50, I could understand if say you were going for a nicer place and it was a bit out of her price range, but if the girl won’t chip in at least a few hundred then forget it.
November 12th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
I don’t know. That last one sounds like it is either fictitious, a lie by the sender about his state at the time of said intercourse or a lie by his “friend” about the “hard-core sex.” Because on the couple of occasions that I have blacked out there is no fucking way I could have participated in hard-core sex. Unless this guy’s definition differs from mine.
November 12th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
Between dudes getting raped and dudes complaining about getting easy teenage ass in college, I’m not sure I know what to say, or think, in this comment section anymore.
November 12th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
To never drinking again,
Good idea.
First up, seconding the point the needs more cheerleaders made, if you were drunk past the point of consent, then you were raped. not graped. Raped. In which case, the legal recourse is to press charges. If that worries you because it will get out, then don’t press charges. If you want to be a dick back to the gay guy that took advantaged of your slobberknockered self, then lord it over him that if he breathes a word of it, you press charges. If you were down with it when drunk and woke up with regrets then I’m sorry, but choices have consequences. Don’t pretend otherwise. the grey area between what seems likely, you were drunk beyond the possibility of informed consent, and what you’re describing, you were blacked out for the whole sordid affair is tiny. Regardless, it is what it is. You got more than you bargained for.
Here’s the thing, this sort of thing happens all the time, though most of the time it’s a drunk chick waking up and realizing that she really didn’t want to ride a train. Perspective is a bitch.
November 12th, 2009 at 4:08 pm
@biggus–a couple times in college, i went out to a bar with some friends, one of whom was an RN with a xanax problem. she would give everyone multiple pills. the two times i drank a ton and took a few of these, i didn’t remember shit but i went home and railed my now-wife for hours. both times, i woke up the next day and she would say, wow, last night was fun. and I’d say what are you talking about? so, yeah, it’s possible @petarded–taht’s a good question man. if he was doing the fucking, it seems to me he has a more active role, right? that gay dude may be an asshole for takign advantage, but still, that probably wouldn’t be rape
November 12th, 2009 at 4:08 pm
To the guy with the “FUCK” tattoo, awesome job!
And anyone who calls their girlfriend “Their Old Lady” is an asshole. Ask a woman if she thinks it’s respectable to call her an Old Lady. I have never met one who likes it. Show some respect.
November 12th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
so if someone is blackout drunk, that = rape? then why the fuck is no one calling that dude who is “manipulating 18 and 19 year old girls” into “showing their tits for natty light” a rapist? he didn’t come out and say that he is having sex with drunk chicks, but that sure as fuck implies it. not that there’s anything wrong with that, but a lot of these comments make it sound like if a straight dude does it to easy girls, that’s tits bro! but if a gay guy does it to a dude, OMFG rape! that’s kind of a weak double standard. fuck that.
November 12th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
RE the possible gay sexual assault: Yeah, get to a doctor, man. Have him test you for all sorts of shit (AIDS, Hep C, the herps, syphilis, etc). Not implying that all gay men are diseased, but if a guy will have sex with an unconscious person, how careful is he likely to be about using a rubber? Maybe he did, maybe he didn’t, but damn… Yeah, if you were a female, he’d be considered a straight-up rapist. Whether you could get him in trouble for this or not depends on how long ago this happened. If there is no physical evidence (ie, semen), that would be a hard case to make for a prosecutor. They’d probably decline to even try.
Regardless, seek out a counselor. The reason you’re skeeved out about it (regardless of sexual orientation) is that it’s reprehensible to have sex with someone who can’t either decline or accept, whether due to drugs, booze, coma, etc.
November 12th, 2009 at 4:20 pm
petarded king, the law says that both participants must give consent, hence consenting adults, if one participant is plastered due to too much booze chugging, then they cannot give consent, legally. The guy getting girls to lift their tops for beers is more a case of pandering, as they are flashing him for a good he is providing. In this case, lukewarm beer. The assumption is reasonable, but not provable, so we marvel at the one guy’s ability to enjoy the benefits of college life where the surplus of willingly eager good looking women depresses the value they place on giving it up to a dude, whereas a guy taking advantage of a drunk guy gets called out. It’s not a double standard, because they are too totally different things.
November 12th, 2009 at 4:20 pm
Yeah. In reference to the grape guy, I’m going to have to go with either the letter is fake or he’s had a joke played on him before I’d start screaming “rape.”
If he has evidence he fucked someone “for hours” then he needs to start questioning: A) what really happened and B) how it happened.
In my years of college (I went to en engineering school with almost no chicks- I drank A LOT) I hit all the various stages of drunk: blacked out, whiskey dick, and everything up to those, many, many times each. I once blacked out and woke up in jail- apparently I started a fight on frat row and beat supposedly three guys up. I say supposedly because I do not recall a single bit of it, yet eyewitnesses claim this was the case. So I do believe it is entirely possible to not recall an event even while carrying on as normal (talking, hanging out… um… fighting… banging). That being said, I’m not entirely sure I go screaming rape anyway. Is it possible that since you were that drunk and desperate, you may have become a little curious?
November 12th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
RE possible gay sexual assault: If there’s been no rape exam (I assume there hasn’t), I don’t think there’s a chance in hell of any kind of conviction. I wouldn’t advise someone to go to the cops under those circumstances, esp. if that person doesn’t want this episode to become public. Threatening to turn the guy into the cops does not sound like a good idea, either. If rapey guy makes a habit of this sort of thing, I’m betting he knows exactly what would be required for an arrest, charges, conviction, etc. Don’t be going to the cops or any other sort of legal authority without any evidence other than “I think this guy had hours of gay sex with me while I was passed out.”
November 12th, 2009 at 4:25 pm
joe–let’s assume that college dude had said that he often fucks drunk chicks. do you think that commenters would be decrying him as a rapist? i would be surprised if they did. I get your reasoning, but i can’t say i agree with your conclusion that these are completely different things.
November 12th, 2009 at 4:30 pm
Graped – not sure who the giver or the taker was but is there a chance that this gay is pulling the equivalent of a chick saying “I’m pregnant.” Perhaps I feel really bad for you since you got graped so this might be wishful thinking on my part but is there a chance he made it up?
I know for one that my penis wants nothing to do with my sexual intentions when i get blacked out. And if this guy was banging you
/pukes on keyboard
//wipes mouth and eyes, replaces keyboard
… banging you for “hours”, then you got raped dude.
November 12th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
For the straight guy with the gay hook up. How do you know you had hours of hardcore sex? The only way is if he told you. If he did slip something in your drink and rape you, he seems rather cavalier about it. Also, did you not have any other friends at the party. Did they just watch you being dragged to a bedroom and watch this guy slam the door like Leatherface in Texas Chainsaw Massacre? There are a ton of questions that need to be answered before you go blowing the rape whistle.
November 12th, 2009 at 4:32 pm
Actually, I’ll trow my two cents in again and agree with SafetyDan. Be very, very careful.
I love my wife. She is smart, fun, and absolutely gorgeous. Like “What is that hot chick doing with him” good looking. However, she also had stuff taken care of for her over her entire life. She had maids and money growing up. In HS, she claims she worked “so much,” but her bf at the time paid for everything. With the money she made in those jobs, she just bought clothes and went to the nail salon. Not exactly an adult paying bills.
I’m older than her, and graduated first and had a job first. I paid our bills while she was in school. I have no problem with that. The thing is, she now has a job… and has paid only one of our bills once- she made one car payment. Whoopie! Yet with her paychecks she keeps talking about how she wants to go shopping, go on trips, etc. I work for the government, so while I enjoy a decent wage, it’s not exactly a ton of money. I pay for rent, our cars, insurance, phones, tv, utilities, cc, etc. This leaves me kind of worn our and nervous about money. Yet when I try to explain how much our financial situation worries me, I don’t really get any sympathy.
I say to you, Mr LesboConverter, to think on this before you act. Really truly think. When I got married, I didn’t realize just how immature my wife was (although she claimed otherwise). A couple of years later, I understand she is not an “adult”, and might not be for a few years yet. And it’s causing trouble in our marriage. I’ll see what happens with me, but take my word that it is a hard situation, so be careful before you put yourself into it.
November 12th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
@lesbo – this has been covered and I agree w/ cap’t and commentators that if she doesn’t want to pay you should not let her move in. When my gf (now wife) moved in, I made considerably more than her like 100k to her 50k (just out of school too). We resolved it by splitting bills and rent in proportion to our incomes. I paid 2/3 she paid 1/3. Worked out very well.
November 12th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
Having sex with drunk people is one thing. Having sex with unconscious people is altogether different. I’m fairly certain that if somebody around here was routinely screwing women who were drunk to the point of incapacity, he’d get called a rapist.
November 12th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
I have fantasy questions:
Pick three for this weekend:
-Hines Ward (versus Cinncinnatti)
-Devon Hester (versus San Francisco)
-Chris Chambers (versus Oakland)
-Eddie Royal (versus Washington)
-Laverneous Coles (versus Pittsburgh)
Pic one for this weekend:
- Beanie Wells (versus Seattle)
- LT (versus Philly)
Note – LT has been fucking me all year.
November 12th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
Good news: We finally got rid of the 100 or so “Rapey” references in the daily posts/comments
Bad news: We will have 200+ “Grapey” references to deal with now
This is not progress people.
November 12th, 2009 at 4:39 pm
Grape Dude:
You were raped. Call the cops. Get an STD test.
November 12th, 2009 at 4:39 pm
I got nothing on the grape. Sounds a little fishy to me, but there are facts missing.
FUCK tattoo guy, way to fucking go…..seriously good game on that one /smacks ass
Grad school ex lezbo guy, if you let this girl move in, it will wreck your life…dont do it
Roomate fucker, just be honest. Sometimes there is just fuck chemestry and stuff happens. As a female who did something bonehead kinda as such once with my first roomate, we did get over it and got along fine. I even ended up being friends with his girlfriend…there is hope, go with CC’s advice and just be honest with her.
November 12th, 2009 at 4:42 pm
Grape guy,
if you’re telling the truth, not only should you get tested, you should RUN to get tested as there’s a possibility your physician (actually, go to an Infectious Disease doctor, your PCP might not be current) might recommend what’s called Post-Exposure Prophylaxis for HIV and the clock is ticking. There’s some debate as to whether or not it’s worthwhile when it’s been >72 hours since exposure or even if sexual exposure merits the treatment regimen, but that decision should be made by your doctor.
November 12th, 2009 at 4:42 pm
@Lesbo Converter: Let’s see. A spoiled, selfish cunt…
…Who likes jam bands?!?! Fucking RUN.
@Safetydan’s advice to same: Solid…Always listen to the voice of experience. Though you did forget the part where she starts fucking and/or munching box elsewhere a few weeks after moving in.
November 12th, 2009 at 4:43 pm
On the grape letter. Doesn’t ring true at all. Funny story, though.
November 12th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
I’ll be honest: I kind of hate your girlfriend
Fucking outstanding.
November 12th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
@ Needs More Cheerleaders:
1) Blacked out is not passed out. Blacked out is being drunk to the point where you are conscious and interacting with people but have no connection to your memories of it later. It happened to me a lot when I was young(er) and dumb(er), and it’s scary as shit. And yes that’s included people telling me stories about me having sex that I don’t remember at all. I have since backed off that kind of drinking, thankfully.
2) Sensitive does not mean gay. You really need to get past that bullshit.
And to everyone, I really think it does matter if he was on the giving or receiving end. If he was giving… does he typically enjoy anal sex with women? Is it conceivable that, in his total drunken stupor… his drunk mind in a dark room thought he was giving it to a lady? There’s a lot going on there. But yeah, counciling… that needs to happen before this seeds itself any deeper.
November 12th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
For the Grape guy: Assuming you weren’t the victim of any malicious act, and assuming various physical and mental tests are clean, it sounds like job 1 is keeping the other guy quiet. You have to tell him to clam up, but you can’t be mean or else he’ll blab out of spite. So maybe tell him that you were a little “curious” before the incident, but that afterwards you have realized that your, uh, curiousity is satisfied. Tell him you’re grateful to him for indulging your curiosity, but now that you know you’re most decidedly not gay (if that’s true), you want to focus on girls. Then thank him so much for helping you out with those pursuits by never saying anyone to anyone ever. If he does, you’ll just have to deny everything and fight him.
November 12th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
Re: grape
The subject of drunken hookups is well tough. I agree that both parties must be sober to give consent, however in college that line often blurs. Why do college students of both genders go out? To party, drink and hook the fuck up. None of us, regardless of gender, spent all that time figuring out the best parties in town, the best ways to get attention at the party and everything just go home and masturbate. However booze is present there, used as a social lubricant and things happen and sometimes go to far. This leads to things like sleeping with that ugly girl you thought was a 9 or a 10 or if you’re a girl, waking up next to some guy in a shitty frat house. Was it date rape? No, you went out to hook up. Did you get drunk and make a bad decision? Yes.
So for the grape guy, it comes down to this. Were you shit faced drunk and encouraging this other guy? Is yes, then you have reached a horrible, horrible new level in drunken decision making light years beyond fucking the fat chick. Talk to someone qualified and move on, likely never see that gay guy again. If your friends and other party goers claim you weren’t drunk or suddenly went from mostly sober to passed the fuck out (which might suggest date rape drugs) then you might need to consider rape.
@Danzibar: I feel for you man. With girls like that is hard to argue, because they have no conept of the fact that they’re treating you unfairly and not carrying their weight. When you call them out on it a lot of times they act like you’re unreasonably attacking them over a non-issue. They just don’t get the concept of fair share. It’s next to fucking impossible to win an argument with them, because you have no place to even start, no shared ground.
Funny how it works, in my case the girl’s dad was an auto exec and had servants as well. Her mom never paid for anything, so she expected it to work the same with my middle class rear end.
The only think you might be able to do Danzibar is get the girl to cover the recreational budget. If she likes to party/travel etc let her suggest it and then say “Sure, your idea, you pay.” When she calls you on it, point out “Well the rent, cars and all that are my idea so I pay for them.” From there get to the point where she says something like “Well you should pay at least your half of dinner” and then reuse that logic only suggesting she pay for her car and half the rent.
Finally, this is going to sound cold, but prepare for if she doesn’t grow up. Keep proof you paid all the utils, rent and cars, so if a divorce happens you have paperwork proving you did 100% of the support.
November 12th, 2009 at 4:51 pm
Grape dude – while I do feel like there is a high possibility that guy was fucking with you, I’m afraid we don’t have enough details on how you KNEW you had sex the night before to determine if it was rape or if it was a joke or whatever. From a female perspective though, that’s some fucked-up noise and regardless as to whether you’re totally straight, or if you’re just insanely deeply closeted, either way that guy should have known better than to fuck you. He’s not your friend, regardless of what happened.
If you are literally butthurt, and can’t remember shit, he raped you and you need to take his ass to jail. I, probably mistakenly, have enough faith in the male gender that they’re not going to mock you for being a rape victim, although there are definite bro pockets (esp. here in Texas) who might, so use your best judgment.
Best case scenario, because it IS going to get out, is you just say “hey, I’m an open-minded dude, I’m straight, but now I can say it with conviction” and then go for banging hipster chicks because they think that’s cool. Trust me. You will be scoring more neon Ray-Banned chicks than you had any idea you could possibly imagine. This will not go for the sorority type clubgirls, but hipster girls will be so into that shit, and it will be the only way you can come out of it looking good.
Get tested first, though. And man, that friend of yours sucks.
November 12th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
petarded king, I can’t speak for the rest of us nuts, but I would. But I take that pretty personally.
November 12th, 2009 at 4:53 pm
Grape Guy: I would consider going under hypnosis to find out what you can’t remember. It may or may not work, but I would try anything at this point. Except drinking with your gay ex-friend again
November 12th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
As a guy whose dabbled with guys and been the bottom in the top/bottom relationship…..youd know right away what happened…..now if you were on top….well i doubt any grape took place…..
November 12th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
@GoesTo11:
It all depends on how smart the girl is. In my case the girl just used sex to placate me. When I’d bitch about bills or not cleaning, she’d wait a bit and then bring out the make up sex. she could suck dick like a champ. It took me a bit to realize I was basically paying out the rear for the occasional makeup BJ. I was dumb there. So if the girl is smart she won’t go to the box munching, she’ll use sex or maybe even dangle a threesome in front of him to keep that checkbook open.
The other part to the breakup plan that is key, is to park your cars elsewhere for a month or two or possibly the rest of the lease. The walk down the street to the rental garage is a bitch, but it saved the paint job on my cars from a midnight keying. My neighbor actually caught her walking around the complex’s parking lot at 3 am for some reason. Wonder why? If nothing else, up your insurance to cover vandalism.
November 12th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
Not only is Mr. “Far From a Virgin” annoying with his bragging about all the relationship-free tail he’s getting in college, but I’ll bet he’ll be a real treat for whatever woman has the misfortune to be his first serious relationship. I sense a major Madonna/whore complex with his pining for “the real world where girls aren’t trashy and they enjoy relationships.” Guess what, dude: chances are the “non-trashy” woman you decide to have a relationship with used to be a “trashy” girl herself. (Of course, you’ll be dumb enough to believe her when she says she only slept with one or two serious boyfriends in college….)
November 12th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
As far as blacking out goes, I once woke up from a bender so sever that my roommate and brother had to tell me about totalling a car, driving it for over 2 miles with no fender, tire, and a bent rim, getting arrested and charged with a DUI, being booked, and giong to the hospital to be checked out. I had absolutely zero recollection of approximately 6 hours due to copious amounts of alcohol and an aderall. Having said that, it’s not completely out of the question that Grape doesn’t recall anything from the night. However, it still doesn’t completely add up. I would have to think your asshole hurt if you had a dick shoved in and out of for hours. If it didn’t, it probably isn’t the first time having gay sex. If you did all the pounding, wel, you’re probably just a homo. Good luck dude.
November 12th, 2009 at 5:03 pm
Seriously, don’t go to the cops with any accusation of rape if you don’t have evidence. Just don’t. They’ll take a statement, but it won’t go anywhere. I don’t say this from experience, just observation. It’s how this shit works. If someone just saying they were raped was good enough to get someone’s ass thrown in jail, there’d be a whole lot more dudes in jail now. Considering this is a possible male-on-male offense, I’d say the chances of getting anything other than a lot of “Sorry, there’s nothing we can do” out of the cops and/or DA is extremely remote. There’s really no point of bringing the law into it if you can’t prove this guy did anything, if you have nothing more concrete than “this guy told me he made a playground of my ass while I was blacked out.”
November 12th, 2009 at 5:04 pm
1) Blacked out is not passed out. Blacked out is being drunk to the point where you are conscious and interacting with people but have no connection to your memories of it later. It happened to me a lot when I was young(er) and dumb(er), and it’s scary as shit. And yes that’s included people telling me stories about me having sex that I don’t remember at all. I have since backed off that kind of drinking, thankfully.
Right, but since he doesn’t know, was he blacked out or passed out? I’ve been BLACKED out myself, and I remembered SOME details from what happened. If I’d been having hardcore sex for hours, I would’ve remembered something. If he didn’t remember a single detail, that sounds a lot more like passed out. Ie, lying there, unmoving, while the guy hammered him.
2) Sensitive does not mean gay. You really need to get past that bullshit.
It was a joke. Relax. Get your panties out of your slit and breathe.
November 12th, 2009 at 5:06 pm
grrrrrrrrrrrrrr. need one of these.
percy harvin vs. det
devin hester @ sf
desean jackson @ sd?
November 12th, 2009 at 5:10 pm
Percy – He’ll get a TD from Farve and solid ST points
November 12th, 2009 at 5:10 pm
Gay rape = Grape. So….Date Rape = Drape?
/patents strain of roofies called “Don DRAPEr”
November 12th, 2009 at 5:11 pm
The repeated “grape” references in this thread just made me realize that there’s a disturbing subtext to the cartoon character “Grape Ape” that apparently I was the last guy to clue in to….
November 12th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
//just realized “Don DRAPE her” is funnier
///is terrible
November 12th, 2009 at 5:13 pm
Grape guy – maybe if you and your buddy get matching “fuck” tatoos, then it might just work out.
Converted lesbo leech guy – come on. Really? She’s a converted lesbian slut. I think there is a rule where you can abandon chivalry for such a premise especially when she is so damanding.
November 12th, 2009 at 5:30 pm
everything about Grape has been discussed already… so, fantasy question for 3rd WR:
S Holmes v Bengals
Hester @ 49ers
November 12th, 2009 at 5:33 pm
Grape:
Alcohol is an excuse to do stupid shit. If you know you’re not gay, you’re totally fucked. I second all the others who’ve said to get tested, but here’s the truth dude: Get the fuck out of there. Nothing good can come from this. You need to pack up your shit, transfer to another school, and bail the f out. You’re either gonna be known as the dude who got raped (and, by cruel association, a gay yourself) or be hiding that secret for the rest of your time there, praying to god nobody ever finds out and second guessing every gay joke your buddies say or getting pissed when someone calls you a fag for taking the last slice of pizza.
Run dude. Run far, run fast. Or just come out of the closet. Or live with a horrible secret. All shitty courses of action.
Sorry.
November 12th, 2009 at 5:37 pm
Jesus, how many uncomfortable letters do we have to read before people realize that they shouldn’t write into an online football blog for help with legitimate life-ruining problems? And rape is a pretty life-ruining problem.
Seriously though, I don’t know how much of a rape case you can put together if you were blacked out drunk, especially if no one else knows about it. You definitely need to talk to your “friend” and get his side of the story before you make any accusations. I would proceed carefully, considering the fact that both of your reputations are on the line. But definitely, you need to get tested for every STD under the sun, asap.
November 12th, 2009 at 5:40 pm
I guess all that the graped guy can hope for is that his friend taped the whole thing
November 12th, 2009 at 5:41 pm
I too have experienced a complete blackout as a result of grain alcohol and shots of Ouzo. Don’t ask. For 3 weeks people all over my campus were telling me what happened that night. Sex was involved, initiated by me, with a member of the opposite sex, thank God.
My advice is to talk to the dude to find out what happened. Maybe you propositioned him. Talk it out with him to get some facts. Other people at the party probably know what happened, but I understand the reluctance to speak with them. If it’s a joke he’ll probably let you know. If it’s not a joke, relax, occasional experimentation does not mean you’re gay. Did you blow him?
Going to the police doesn’t sound like a good option at this point. It’s a he said, she said, whoops, he said, he said situation that will make sure everyone knows what happened. Newspapers love shit like this.
November 12th, 2009 at 5:41 pm
after more reflection, the grape story is the bullshit of all bullshits. so many relevant details (top/bottom, butthurt the next day, why didn’t friends stop this, &tc) omitted. i’m not buying any portion of that story.
November 12th, 2009 at 5:47 pm
To the same-sex sex guy:
Either you are actually gay or you were raped.
One of those things is nothing to be ashamed of.
November 12th, 2009 at 5:50 pm
I do feel for the grape dude. Get medical/counseling/Kelly Bundy level STD tests pronto.
I was accused of by my now ex wife of plowing her when drunk, against her will. (A) I’ve never been THAT drunk to do that to her (yeah, yeah, I can see the cynical smirks a mile away). She accused me of that in front of my parents, sister, her parents and her sister. I was too fucking stunned to even defend myself. She used that (not in court) to divorce me and take my kids from me. Later on I find out that she was sleeping around with 3-4 different guys. Anytime I would bring up her cheating she would threaten to reduce my custody or outright take away my kids, claiming that I was an alcoholic and therefore a danger to my kids. I don’t give a fuck anymore that she was banging 3-4 different guys, but to threaten my time with my kids? FUCK and NO.
Short story – alcohol can be a problem.
/balloon knot joke.
November 12th, 2009 at 5:52 pm
Grape may have a case against Roethlisberger if it occurred in a Nevada casino and he was fixing the cable before he blacked out.
November 12th, 2009 at 5:56 pm
@Slash:
I usually like your advice and comments, so I really don’t want you to take this criticism the wrong way. However telling someone not to report a rape at all just because they don’t have a smoking gun is kind of a bad idea. One would usually want to confer with someone with the police or the emergency room right away so that they can COLLECT some evidence. Bloodtests for drugs, and collection of genetic material. Then go from there. It might be too late for that stuff in this case though, but for the record.
I agree though that this guy should talk to a trained professional about handling it, especially if he’s this disgusted. Might want to get tested for STIs over the near future.
You might also want to consider whether it was just booze or some other drug slipped in. I don’t want to encourage irrational paranoia and distrust, but it’s worth thinking about. I mean in my experience, it’d take a lot more booze than I’ve ever had to make me do something that I found that unappealing. Sure you can’t go around just making baseless allegations, that gets extremely hairy. But it would be good to know if you can trust him when you’re deciding if you should hang around this guy ever again.
November 12th, 2009 at 5:57 pm
er….everything after the first paragraph was aimed at the original writer, not slash. My mistake.
November 12th, 2009 at 6:09 pm
If I can inquire about a different topic:
Bacon-infused bourbon Old Fashioneds???
Did you do your own infusing or is there a bacon-infused bourbon I can buy?
November 12th, 2009 at 6:10 pm
same sexer – your gay! I’ve been fucked up before and never though oh i want to do a dude. Also, how can you take it in the ass and not realize it until the guy tells you, i woudl think your shit would be blown out and hurting.
November 12th, 2009 at 6:20 pm
@ Lesbo converter – have an agreement at the beginning what bill(s) she’ll pay every month. Sending separate checks for everything is dumb. Trying to keep a ledger of who owes who creates fights. Maybe she won’t contribute 1/2 but when you think about it, whatever bill she’s paying is one you don’t have to so you make out too. If she balks (uh oh – baseball term) at paying any of the bills end it. I lived with a girl that paid a couple of the utility bills and all the groceries while I made the house payment and other stuff. I thought I was OK with that situation but often when she asked me to do something, like vacuum, in the back of my mind I thought “fuck that, I pay for most everything” and was a dick about that type of thing. Of course she moved out – point being don’t set up a situation where you’re going to resent her. If she isn’t paying dick you absolutely are going to resent her.
November 12th, 2009 at 6:43 pm
RE synapticmisfires Says: “@Slash: I usually like your advice and comments, so I really don’t want you to take this criticism the wrong way. However telling someone not to report a rape at all just because they don’t have a smoking gun is kind of a bad idea. One would usually want to confer with someone with the police or the emergency room right away so that they can COLLECT some evidence.”
Yeah… well, we don’t really know that he has evidence to collect, which is why I qualified my statements by saying “if you have no evidence.” He didn’t really offer anything other than the story of waking up next to a guy. He didn’t say anything about going to get a rape test and the fact that he’s writing to a football blog about it (assuming it’s not a fake-ass story) suggests that more than several days have passed since this incident. I’m thinking that his second thought, upon realizing “Holy fuck, I think I got raped by a guy last night” was NOT “I’d better ask KSK what they think!” Any evidence that might have been useful is probably gone now. An accusation of rape is a pretty big deal. Sure, you can report shit to police without evidence, but I wouldn’t advise it. A rape conviction WITH physical evidence is fucking hard to obtain (the arrest rate for rape last year was 25% – ie, of all reported rapes, there was an arrest in only 25% of them), one without is goddam near impossible.
Reporting a sexual assault to the police may sound like the kind of “closure” that some people think is important in getting over something like this, but if it results in the cops declining to arrest and/or the DA declining to even try the case, seems to me it would just make things worse for the victim, putting him through needless questioning that won’t result in anything more than being called a liar or a homo by cops/friends/family. I’m not a counselor, just giving my layperson’s opinion.
November 12th, 2009 at 6:45 pm
Essentially, you’re fucked. But if you approach the situation with openness and honesty, you’ll make your life somewhat easier.
Let the lube of honesty smoothen the great assfucking of life. I think I got that in a fortune cookie once.
November 12th, 2009 at 6:52 pm
Wow, some really juvenile comments. Since captain blackout discussed not wanting to hurt his friends feelings and led off with how he had a problem with commitment, I would not jump on the (g)rape wagon so soon. Nowadays, it is more common than ever for people to experiment in varying degrees with their sexuality. Alcohol certainly lubricates (no pun intended) that process. I’ve seen people of the same sex get drunk and make out twice. Once I’m positive that one of the persons was straight, the second time I think one of the participants was in denial about their sexuality and pretending to be more drunk than they were. Maybe his friend thought that he was in denial about his sexuality and made the (probably bad) decision to help him figure it out. Maybe it is a prank or more likely the entire story is made up. However I think the old college roommate with ether and wake up with a sore ass urban legend is more the result of homophobia than fact. I’m not saying rape is completely out of the question, it just seems like the least likely answer. Its hard enough to go around as a gay guy, its much harder to go around as the gay guy known for raping straight guys. Just my 2 cents.
November 12th, 2009 at 6:57 pm
Damn you for making me laugh about this, Grimey. Damn you to hell.
November 12th, 2009 at 7:20 pm
Reading this week was like telling rape jokes, just before a rape victim walks into the room and asks what’s so funny…
Anyway:
Was just offered a trade: Marshawn Lynch for Marques Colston, I’m not sure if I should laugh of cry…Even if I needed a RB (Have Forte, Sproiles and Moates) there is no way I’d accept that…
November 12th, 2009 at 7:23 pm
@Lesbo Converter (although you said she stopped with the other woman three months before you started dating so I doubt you converted her but I digress)
SafetyDan’s example epotimizes my experience (other than the placating with sex and/or sexual favors, I just got the ‘you’re not being supportive of me’ crap) and admittedly, mine was trying hard to find a decent job but the economy in Michigan blows (insert Detroit/greedy unions/greedy auto companies jokes here and then kindly go fuck yourself). Regardless, whe was working part time at a clothing store and spending half of each paycheck on clothes because of the employee discount. I got lucky, we weren’t married, the house was in my name and when she ‘finally got sick of me not being supportive of her’ (her words) she left one day while I was at work and moved to NYC a week later. If your gf’s already showing signs of assuming you should be shouldering the bills (whether out of entitlement, a felling that as you’re established she deserves time to get there too or she’s just playing you) and you’ve mentioned the issue and she gets indigent, that’s a huge red flag in my mind.
Granted, the money you make might be okay right now but what if the rent goes up or you end in a job that pays less (or get hit with a pay cut like a lot of us are these days), then what? Nothing puts stress on a relationship, especially in the first few years like money problems when the two people have different priorities.
November 12th, 2009 at 7:35 pm
Honestly I wasn’t going to comment at all because I don’t want to turn the mailbag into my personal support group, but I wanted to say a couple things. So in the interests of not being a whiny bitch, this will be my only comment.
Thanks captain for the advice, I appreciate it. Same with LaFavre’s Next Drink, S, Joe, SuperNintendoChalmers and others. Thanks.
I’m not going to go to the cops. I don’t know what happened and if I go to the cops, then I’ll actually be ruining lives. Not to mention even if it was rape, then going to the cops basically assures none of this will go away ever, and that’s all I want to happen. As much as I would like to, I can’t run to another city either. I own a house and basically everything I know is in this city.
I will seek help. Honestly a psychologist is probably what I need. I had never even considered the possiblity of catching an std either, so I will go get tested.
I’ll vindicate the Sherlock Holmes wannabes. Yes, I have omitted bits of info from my email. Congratulations, I admitted as much in my email, so I’m not sure what the huge revelation is. I did that for two reasons. One, those bits of info do not relate to any of the questions I asked at all. Secondly, I don’t give a fuck whether some assholes believe me or not. I was looking for advice to help me, not to tell a story. You guys seriously need to look at these questions you’re asking and ask yourself if you would ask them to someone in real life. It was hard enough to tell anybody, and you guys want me to provide explict details? Sociopaths.
@Nathan Hale: I wasn’t going to do a Q&A, but wondering why I would send this to ksk is a pretty legit question, so maybe I can offer some insight. I honestly don’t feel like I can talk about this to anybody I know, and this is the only media I visit that has an advice column. It’s also totally anonymous. I more or less expected a herd of people to call bullshit, so that doesn’t bother me that much. To be honest, I’m impressed there weren’t more gay jokes.
Thanks again everyone.
November 12th, 2009 at 7:42 pm
@gay sex guy
Kill him. That way word never gets out of what happened and you don’t have to talk to him.
/makes sense to me, at least
November 12th, 2009 at 7:50 pm
Thanks for the help fellas. Sometimes fresh set of eyes on a situation is what’s necessary.
A little more background: She paid for school with student loans and scholarships, her parents are not able to provide her with financial assistance. Butch Lesbian Roommate Ex is a trust fund kid and actually has a nice job lined up in January or so.
/puts her belongings in a box
//leaves box on her doorstep
///unsuccessfully comes up with funny dick joke for the gallery
November 12th, 2009 at 8:02 pm
RE Fat Polamalu is my idol comment:
Yeah, the “you’re not being supportive of me” therapyspeak is some shit that women get from Oprah/Dr. Phil et al and “self-help” books. What it usually really means is “you’re not agreeing with everything I do and say.” (BTW, I’m a chick, not a bitter dude.) They do it to other women, too. There is a frustratingly large percentage of women who believe that disagreeing with them is “rude” or “negative” or somesuch bullshit. Of course, they are free to disagree with you any time they please, which somehow isn’t rude or non-supportive or negative. Don’t ask me how they rationalize this other than the belief that they are always right and anyone who disagrees with them is by definition wrong. I notice this mostly in really insecure control freak types (like my mother, for example, and a few coworkers).
November 12th, 2009 at 8:57 pm
@Slash
Thanks for confirming that. Granted, I’d already decided that’s what it meant since I couldn’t see how I wasn’t supportive, example – the first job she got out of school was a shitty one and within a month she wanted to quit, we talked and I saw it made her miserable and it did suck (full disclosure: it was with ACORN, yes, that one, back in 2005 so even then I knew they sucked) and backed it even though it cost us about 40% of our income. Nice to hear from a woman’s perspective that it’s a manipulation or insecurity thing and not something that was going to change though. And I had the plus of not losing half my stuff in process.
As for your choice, lebso, I’m not saying scratch it now but at the least, draw clear guidelines and see how it goes from there. Then again, based on some of our stories, I can’t say I’d blame you for cutting the ties now either.
November 12th, 2009 at 9:40 pm
@ never drinking again
Fair enough. I certainly don’t think I would be able to tell anyone I knew if this happened to me. It sounds like you’ll be consulting someone who is professionally trained to deal with situations like this, so you’re not just relying on the often unreliable KSKommentariat. Although, I was impressed by some of the compassionate and sensible comments on this sensitive topic. Best of luck in the future and I sincerely hope you’re able to work through this issue.
On an unrelated note, it’s starting to look like Jay Cutler actually sucks.
November 12th, 2009 at 10:14 pm
summed up to perfection…bourbon now time i think
November 12th, 2009 at 10:45 pm
Aaaand that’s 4 on the night for Cutler, who was too incredulous to sulk on his way to the sideline. For awhile there Alex Smith was keeping it close in the “bad decisions” category, but then Cutler poured it on and showed him what a real vet can do.
November 12th, 2009 at 10:55 pm
OK, so as far as I can tell I’m the only gay guy to have actually posted on this, so I can say that our graped friend has left out some pretty important details (which some of you might find squeamish).
For one, the sore ass thing. Only it’s not going to just be sore. I’m assuming it’s your first time with anything decent-sized up your ass, in which case, unless the guy had an abnormally small dick, you’re going to definitely notice blood the first time you shit after waking up, and more when you wipe. Especially if it was really hours of sex and not a quick thing. Those muscles get stretched and torn unless you regularly get fucked. It’s entirely possible that it would slightly hurt to walk and really hurt to sit down for a couple days. Also, if he didn’t use a condom, you can look in the toilet after you shit and be very clearly able to tell. I’m assuming you’re a bottom here because it’s significantly harder to get in and stay in an ass with serious whiskey dick.
So there’s a few possibilities here. One, you just forgot to mention those details, or didn’t want to because they’re not that pleasant, and you did have physical evidence that this happened. Two, that physical evidence wasn’t there, but you didn’t know that it should have been since you’ve never been fucked, which probably means you passed out in the bed and your friends thought it would be hilarious to have the gay guy wake up next to you and tell you you had hours of wild sex. Three, you’re making this situation up because you have conflicted feelings about this guy and wanted to see if everyone would call you a fag if you said this happened. I’m guessing it’s two.
If it’s one, then yeah, there’s a pretty strong possibility you got raped, and possibly drugged. It seems pretty likely this was more than a few days ago, and I doubt you’ve told anybody, so probably there’s no physical evidence left now and it’s a case of a guy who had gay sex while really drunk and doesn’t remember it, so he thinks he might have been raped. That usually doesn’t work as a defense for women (though it’s often legitimate), and there’s a built-in prejudice in all levels of the system and society against guys claiming to get raped. I honestly can’t see any good that would come out of reporting the situation given that.
November 13th, 2009 at 12:38 am
I was going to recommend reading The Mysteries of Pittsburgh, but yeah, what Adam said.
November 13th, 2009 at 12:56 am
@ Straight dude who passed out: Bull. . . Shit. . .
@ Guy with ex-Lesbian: RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!
@ Dude with girl with fuck tattoo: Well played, sir
November 13th, 2009 at 1:02 am
@Nathan Hale Says:
I take that personally, I am not often unreliable! I am ALWAYS unreliable.
Harumph!
Fuck tattoo guy: Well played good sir. Well played. By this time next year you should have matching Claddagh rings. Send us an announcement. Name the first daughter Suzy.
E.H.- Do you live in a cold environment? Can you get to a different bar or do you live in a small town? This is important. If you can get out and go elsewhere, have happy moments and move along. If you get snowed in? Life can change.
Danny isn’t here, Mrs. Torrance.
@Lesbo Converter: Should we just give a show of hands? Yes? Well that’s about 100% that says fuck and run. I second this decision. One of the previous comments mentioned “resentment”. That’s an important word, kids. You work 2 jobs, 72 hours a week. Wifey stays home. Doesn’t really contribute. Doesn’t really help with the bills. Spends the day watching the soaps and talking with Mary Ann in San Diego on the phone. Nah.
That’s why I’m proudly divorced! It’s a good thing. Resentment is like a tumor. It will not go away.
Hey Rahls, if you use the hurt card you’re using drama to invite drama into your life. Let me know how it goes.
Never drink again:…
I’m not sure on the guidelines, but this probably makes you gay. Sorry. Somebody had to make a decision. I never really got drunk enough to suck a dick. I never got drunk enough to get gay raped. Sorry, I talked to the commisioner and this was his decision. See someone if it helps. Most people I talk to say the Psych thing is a scam. But what the hell do I know.
I admire your courage. Seriously if you came to us for answers, at least you have an open mind.
November 13th, 2009 at 1:06 am
I’m going to add a little bit to what Adam had to say.
In the unlikely event that this guy was on top during the night’s festivities, there would still be signs. I know that when I spend several months as part of the Great Unlaid, and then suddenly one night I hook up and it goes on for hours, I wake up the next morning and my dick is a little sore, especially near the base. Friction is a bitch, and lube only goes so far.
So basically, whether the alleged grape victim was a top or a bottom, there would be evidence and the guy would know. My bet is still that his friends played an incredibly cruel practical joke on him.
November 13th, 2009 at 1:09 am
Also, I’ve been blacked out on Ambien a few times in the past, and my friends tell me that I did some weird shit. Nothing sexual, (un)fortunately.
November 13th, 2009 at 3:39 am
Thanks guys. I’m currently getting ready to fly to NM to meet her brother & sister.
Rape Guy: First, go see a GD doctor. I’m not stereotyping gays, but if you had hours of rough anal something could be torn or you may have a disease. Second, you have to find out if you were taken advantage of. Ask your friends about the events of the night. If they make fun of they are not your friends anymore and never should have been. Third, seriously go see a doctor.
Lesbian Converter: If she hasn’t learned anything about responsibility by 25 what makes you think she will by 30? She could be using you. You’re 30, you should know this. Fuck man.
Bald Pussy Guy: Stop being a douche. “Wah, I fuck too much young pussy.” I haven’t had sex with a 19 year old since I was 19, but I remember it smelling like peaches.
Herpes guy: My very first girlfriend from 17 had herpes. She was a whore. We just always had sex with a condom on and I never went down on her. It was all a precaution, but I recommend it.
Dude who’s friend boned his ex: Fuck one of his ex’s or one of your ex’s friends. Trust me.
Shuan
November 13th, 2009 at 11:01 am
@ never drinking again. There are so many unanswered questions I won’t go into, Adam pretty much covered them all. You need to see a counselor ASAP, what you described is rape. At some point in the future you may even want to see a gay counselor, but let me be clear though I don’t think you’re gay. You obviously are attracted to women, but some part of you deep down is also attracted to men. Unfortunately there’s a double standard in society that straight girls are cool if they get drunk and fool around with other girls occasionally but for guys it’s an either or situation.
I don’t see how you can deal with this situation without confronting that double standard head on. Unfortunately people will find out, and you’ll find out who your true friends are. Also fuck that fag (figuratively). You’re not sure if you ever want to see him again? get as far away from him as possible
November 13th, 2009 at 11:40 am
“I am torn at the Flex position”
HA! How has no one commented on that?
November 13th, 2009 at 11:43 am
My God. That is just an awful story for you fella. The mailbag got really real and sad. It just gave me a “wake up call” about my drinking and the scary shit that has happened to me while blacked out! But, you’re not gay. I’ve done shit I would never do while drunk but not blacked out. Cunnylingus on a 280 lber for example. That should’ve kept me in line in itself!
November 13th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
Still don’t know how fat people have sex.
Yesterday’s “We dip them in flour and look for the wet spot” must have a practical use though.
November 13th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
To the grape guy…. I know its way down the comments, but well…
Have we determined who was the bottom here. If you were the top guy, it probably wasn’t rape. If you were the bottom, it might be. But there are some other factors, if it was hardcore, you know what then don’t worry about it.
Look, I’m close to thirty and I am married, and this is likely to cause a bunch of flames, but whatever…. I used to have gay relations with a friend of mine when I was in high school and a few times in college. Sometimes it was just watching the other guy, sometimes we’d watch porn together, and yes, a few times it was full on sex.
I never was gay with anyone else, I never thought about being gay, and I have always been attracted to women, and I while I thought I might be gay because of this, something about being with another man was just not that attractive to me and I never went further with anyone else. This was the same with the other guy, as far as I know.
With my friend though, we were both horny as hell and went to a small school where everyone knew everything about everyone else so it was hard to date girls. And so when we got together we would fool around, in the same way that every man likes to think about girls becoming lesbians, me and my friend did it as guys.
Look, it’s wonderful to have sex with girls, but sometimes, dry spells happen. We’re not talking weeks here, but many guys who are in their teens and twenties who aren’t in relationships can go a year without getting laid. This is the time when we are horniest, and so it’s impossible for the body not to want sex. Men, and women, have been looking for alternatives for a long time, and sometimes going same sex just happens.
As men we are so used to being turned on by the idea of lesbian sex, the girls in their white cotton panties, softly kissing and whatever, but that’s only fantasy. If there are girls who actually do have sex with each other in an experimental phase or just out of horniness, well, it’s going to be tremendously awkward. People need to have sex, and because of a litany reasons, be it parental pressures, busy schedule, or something that seriously fucks with a kids mind like religious “wait until marriage” or abstinence based education, they get it where they can, and sometimes it’s with a friend of the same sex. This is not a small section of people. Some blind surveys have gone to suggest that 1 in 3 straight -not gay, or straight then gay-males has had a homosexual sexual experience.
If it wasn’t rape… you shouldn’t feel weird about it. I know that doesn’t help, and I can tell you when I used to fool around with my friend, I would be messed up mentally for about 3 days. I would swear I would never do it again, I would be tremendously ashamed, and I would promise myself not to think about sex, and we would talk to each other about it and make each other promise never again. But every time me and this one friend hung out… we’d get to fooling around. There is the sex is like pizza line… even when it’s bad, it’s still good, and yes, this applies to gay sex too.
I would have preferred it be with a girl. I would have honestly killed to make sure it was with a girl, I felt so bad and so confused about it at the time, but 10 years on, I know this was mainly because I was horny and my friend was willing to let me get off with him, around him, etc, and this was a totally two way thing. It’s really not easy to be a teenage or early 20’s kid in the first place and it’s even more difficult if you aren’t given an outlet for your sexual impulses.
As a guy with honest to god experience about this, I can tell you the following:
1. Talk to your friend and get the whole story. Do this is in a public area, no booze involved. Make sure you let him know you aren’t %100 ok with this but don’t be accusatory. Ask him to keep thing secret. He’s gay, and he’s likely to gossip, but you know what another gay stereotype is? They are very understanding and they are good listeners. He’s probably going to apologize and you need to get his version (even if he’s lying and covering his tracks, you’re bound to get some actual details).
2. Don’t tell anyone you know, especially your friends of your age. I know you will want to, but they just aren’t equipped to talk about it. I have only told a few people, and not one of these people were someone I would see on a regular basis.
3. I don’t know about how you are in your life, but honestly, you probably aren’t gay. No matter how many homophobic assholes or religious extremists want to label you, gay is a sexuality, and one experience doesn’t change it. If you are jerking off to male female porn and you finish when it’s only the guys junk on screen, it doesn’t mean you get off on penises. Gay is something many are born with, but it’s also a choice. People choose to come out as gay because it’s the only way they feel comfortable, other might know they are gay but become closeted, spiteful people, who get into marriages with women just because society said its the right way to do it.
4. Even with #3 in mind, hell, you might be gay. There is nothing wrong with this. Absolutely nothing. But you are going to have to be fair with yourself. What do you really like in a partner… what kind of person are you looking for to spend time with and have sex with. All this time you might have thought you liked girls but you could have been misguided and self delusion is twice as potent as booze and lasts a lifetime.
5. You need to get a professional opinion, try calling Dr. Drew on Loveline. Or try going to a sexual therapist. Not a shrink, but someone who really knows what they are talking about. I know it feels like it, but you aren’t the only one to experience this. Try going on Amazon and looking at human sexuality books. If that’s too much, try reading Michael Chabon’s “Mysteries of Pittsburgh.” The main character will be very easy to relate to. You could also try writing into Dan Savage, who is a mailbag guy who really knows how to deal with this.
You are going to be OK, you are not immediately gay for having sex once, you can go on to have a normal life. sometimes gay sex is just sex. You might have gone male on male, but it’s better than waking up next to a fat chick who tells you have herpes, and it’s way than getting a kid 9 months later because the girl lied about the condom not breaking. Those two last a lifetime.
But you really need to deal with this. At minimum, you will deal with this daily for 6 months to a year in your subconscious, so it’s best to deal with it head on, because if you don’t it can create dangerous impulses in your psyche and you could very well wind up repeating your actions. And if you are gay… it’s not a bad thing. It doesn’t make you a bad person, and it doesn’t make you weird.
You have to deal with this, and even though this is a jokey football site, these forums are beneficial. You are taking the first step by looking for help, but don’t let this be the only work you do.
November 13th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
Don’t let the event define you. You don’t really know, or may never know, what really happened. As others have mentioned, just because you “blacked out” does not necessarily mean you were drugged/raped/taken advantage of.
Just live your life going forward and you will eventually find out your own tendancies.
November 13th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
Wow that is horrible. I’m not sure how you ever get over a thing like that. I don’t see how you can ever speak to that dude again.
November 13th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
Is it wrong that I hope to one day be able to say the following to my son:
“You’ll learn this when you leave your big state school and start missing the days of getting hot teenage shaved pussy all the time.”
It’s sad that the grape situation took away from such a wonderful image/ message.
November 13th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
@dsl:
“It’s sad that the grape situation took away from such a wonderful image/ message.”
Agreed.
November 13th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
Guy with shaved cooches. Listen I live in peru, its not exactly a silky soft land if you catch my drift. Some chicks tend to trim the hedges but it aint all neatly landscaped. So quit yer goddamn complaining.
Grape guy. Dont rule out the fact that none of it could ever have happened. I mean unless you could feel it. But let me be real here, unless there was surrounding evidence (i.e. lube condoms sore assholes) you could have just passed out in that bed. Just could be some gay guy mentally fucking with you.
But I really, really wouldn’t get super hung up over it. You didnt do it consciously and wouldn’t do it again.
As far as talking to him. I’d just explain while he’s a cool guy, it wasn’t for you. Let him know (and this is for his feelings, even if this isnt how you feel) that you were “confused” and tried it and didnt find it to be your thing for the long term.
So that’s a nice way of not hurtin feelings and convincing yourself it never happened.
November 13th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
the first job she got out of school was a shitty one and within a month she wanted to quit,
Polamalu,
That’s not a good sign, man. Everybody has a shitty job. I’ve hated my job for five fucking years. I put up with it because I have to do very little actual work and it pays the bills. I just kinda zone out during the day, then use the money to buy myself stuff to make the rest of my life pleasant and worthwhile. (having a great wife helps, obviously.)
There’s nothing wrong with not liking a job, but you should stick it out until you’ve found another one. You let her move in, and she’s gonna go “my job sucks! I quit!” every single chance she gets, knowing you’ll support her dead-beat ass. Seriously, she’s going to LIVE off you and you’re gonna fucking hate her for it. Don’t fall for that trap.
@ Boinked-my-gay-buddy guy,
You ARE aware that this “advice” column is purely for shits and giggles, right? That nothing here should really be taken seriously? What gives the commentariat here any kind of basis to be providing people advice? I work in IT, I stare at computer screens all day and try my fucking hardest to talk to as few people as I possibly can. What do I know about helping people out?
In some cases, someone will ask something that a particular commenter has had personal experience with, so they can share that personal experience, but you didn’t think, maybe, that being potentially assraped by your gay buddy while you’re shitfaced is something that doesn’t happen to that many people?
You asked your question, and some people made fun of you for it, and now you’re bitter that they made fun of you for it. Well, here’s the thing : That’s kinda what this particular column is for. Like one commenter said above me (and what the KSK Mafia has said several times before), if you have a GENUINE life-changing problem, go talk to a fucking professional. Don’t talk to random strangers on the internet in a bitter dickjoke forum expecting to find life-affirming advise.
That said, I still don’t see how a shrink is gonna help, but whatever. I think the best thing for you to do is talk to your friend and find out if he’s telling the truth, and if you consented. And if so, well, you had an unpleasant gay experience. At least when you’re 78, you’ll never have to ask yourself the question “I wonder what would have happened if I’d been gay.”
November 13th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
E.H.
Nice letter, conveying genuine concern. But you know you are going to anyway, so just do it and face the consequences after. Bartenders move on; or, if you’re good, you’ll get cheap drinks anyway.
November 13th, 2009 at 7:45 pm
And to answer the unanswered question. If I’m choosing the girl from a brothel line-up, which is not uncommen, I will take the girl with the best ass over the girl with the best rack.
November 13th, 2009 at 10:24 pm
I’m going to make myself a liar and leave another comment.
I just have to thank Caesar’s ghost and JE. You guys really helped me feel better.
@Needs More Cheerleaders: I’m not upset at all about people making fun at all. I laughed pretty hard at the wkuk vid.I was just amazed that people accused me of omitting facts when I admitted as much in my e-mail. Illiteracy is no joke.
November 14th, 2009 at 11:20 am
Hey Grape, have you ever considered the fact you might be gay? It’s actually pretty accepted these days, and if you are maybe next time you can stay sober enought to enjoy the experience. On the other hand, if you were drugged, it’s time to move. Seriously. Nothing good can come of you trying to pursue charges against your gay friend.
November 14th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
Grape Ape,
If you were blacked out, you could not have popped a boner. Ergo you must have been catching.
If your butthole doesn’t feel like it’s been strip-mined for copper, your friends are (no pun intended) fucking with you.
Lesbo converter,
Your name is a self-contradiction. There is no such thing as a lesbo-converter. She’s an HPD case and you’re a sucker waiting to happen.
Roomie-banger,
Betcha feel like a dumbass now, huh?
November 16th, 2009 at 10:34 am
“Far From a Virgin” goes to Holy Cross doesn’t he?