adriana-lima-bw

I was supposed to write the mailbag last night, but then I got drunk on bacon-infused bourbon Old Fashioneds, watched “Top Chef,” and went to bed a little before midnight. Then I woke up at 3:30 a.m. and couldn’t fall asleep, so I decided to answer your questions in the quiet hours before dawn. Now that it’s well into the afternoon, I’m a goddamn zombie and that’s why you’re not getting any kind of sensible introduction here.

Featured below: a follow-up message from the gentleman whose girlfriend has the regrettable tattoo she’s ashamed of, the wonders of Ray Rice and Donald Driver, shtupping roommates and local barmaids, suicide pools, ex-lesbians, bald college poon, and the absolute worst drunken college experience possible. Enjoy.

Fantasy: In my work league I start 3 WR, but I’m loaded with 4 good ones. Pick the 3. TJ Housh @ Zona, Wayne @ Pats, Driver @ Dallas, and Megatron @ Minny.

Ooh, tough one. I’d say Wayne and Megatron for sure, and I’d give a slight edge to Driver over Houshmandzadeh. As an owner of both Driver and T.J., Housh has been frustratingly uneven all year, while Driver seems to break a long a touchdown every other game. I haven’t seen many sing the praises of Donald Driver this year, but he’s one of the more pleasant surprises this fantasy season. In my PPR league that starts three WRs, Driver’s the 14th-ranked wideout, just after Welker and ahead of guys like Mike Sims-Walker and Brandon Marshall. That’s a nice return on a late-round old guy.

I’m the “FUCK” tattoo guy. Not that you care,

But we DO care!

but I tried a different approach on Friday. We hadn’t seen each other in a week because she had to go to a funeral. I picked her up from the airport and when we got to my place I showed her what I did. I wrote “FUCK” across my chest in Sharpie. It actually worked. Best sex we’ve ever had. She had no shame when I showed her I had none. Thanks for the help. I’m pretty smitten by this chick, so I had to get over it. You and the comments helped some. Way to go!
-Shuan

Hooray! We helped! Kind of!

Business: Standard scoring, non-PPR league and could use a hand at RB2 this week. I’ve got Joey Addai vs the Chowds and Ryan Grant vs. Jerry’s Boys. Gotta play 1.

I’m sure you’ll want me tarred and feathered after Sunday proves me wrong, but I’d go with Ryan Grant. I just don’t trust Belichick when it comes to fantasy. You never know when he’s going to design a game plan to shut down a single player or give carries to the third-string running back, with no greater purpose than to fuck over fantasy owners.

Pleasure: I live about a block from a neighborhood bar that my buddies and I like to frequent. There is a very hot young bartender that works there that is in to me. I’ve been in a prolonged dryspell, and this hottie would not only bust my slump but would be a solid knock out of the park. The only catch is that it’s fairly obvious that she’s emotionally….needy and I’m fully engrossed in my return to full bachelordom. I don’t want a relationship, just a fuck buddy and knowing most chicks, that will likely end up being an issue. Do I hit it, risk pissing her off and potentially make my self unwelcome at my favorite watering hole? Or do I let this one go and keep it corked for awhile longer?
Gracias, E.H.

I say go for it. A lot of adults can engage in sex without committing to a relationship; she just might be one of them. And if not, well, she doesn’t work at the bar every night, does she?

To my heroes,
I don’t have a fantasy question, I do want Andy Reid to fall into a giant vat of bubbling lard though.

Unsilent Majority: you mean his food trough?

I have very recently found out that my old roommate and erstwhile best friend has been fucking my ex girlfriend (and I believe he even wrote in to the mailbag about it!)

Awkward!

Now of course this came as a great shock and since I loved the girl, excuse me for being a pussy, but I am heartbroken. Now we weren’t together or anything at the time so I won’t dwell on that fact, even though its really fucked up. My question relates to this. I want to get over this by burying myself in pretty much everything with a vagina that I’m not related to that passes my way. However, I’ve never exactly been a Lothario and I’m no smooth talker. What is the rule on playing the hurt card? I am actually hurt badly by all this, to what degree should I use that if I should use it at all to find said vagina. Has that even worked before? Should I just grin and bear it and be stoic about it?
–Uncle Rahls

I’m not a fan of this so-called “hurt card.” What’s the angle? You want women to sleep with you because they feel sorry for you? Pfffft. If anything, the hurt card is really only useful in keeping yourself from getting embroiled in a new relationship when you’ve achieved your goal of casual sex. And it’s not even a “card” to play as much as it is honesty: there’s nothing wrong with saying “I’m not emotionally ready for a relationship” if you’re not emotionally ready for a relationship. In fact, it’s commendable.

Gentlemen,
Well fuck you. I am one of those readers that you have just cast aside over the last weeks claiming immunity on the basis that you could not get to all the questions. I came to you out of curiosity two weeks ago; I come to you now out of desperation.

Football: I have lost all ability to choose my RB’s. I need three. Brown and/or Williams @TB; Gore @Chi; Addai @NE or S. Jackson @NO. I have been playing Brown and Williams and that has proceeded to slaughter me as I sit there and watch Addai fuck me on his way to two TD’s. I am only confident in Gore.

Blech, I’ve never liked owning two carry-sharing RBs from the same team. I’d rather have one guy and sometimes be fated to getting fucked than face the weekly two-chamber Russian roulette. As for your decision this week, it’s a tough one: you’ve got some great talent and some favorable matchups. Whenever I can’t make up my mind, I simply go with the most talented player. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, but at least it’s system. And having a system means that you can blame the system instead of your decision-making abilities. So: Gore and Jackson.

Sex: Much more important then my shit league is my roommate. I wrote to you two weeks ago saying that I thought it was a really good possibility that I was going to fuck my new roommate. Well we did. We did all weekend. Now it’s Tuesday and it’s real awkward. We haven’t talked at all since I left her room on Saturday night to go back to my room. She is a cool chick, but I can’t date my roommate, I don’t piss where I eat.

Au contraire. You just urinated all over the dining room.

I don’t want a fuck buddy either especially one who sleeps 15 feet away from me. We are stuck together no matter what for at least another year, do i avoid her or just man up and confront the awkwardness?
-P.M.

I remember your email from two weeks ago. Dude, it didn’t matter what I or anyone in the comments said: you were gonna bang this chick regardless. Obviously — and this is a topic that’s been covered in previous mailbags — sleeping with your roommate is a terrible idea. It creates all sorts of pitfalls in navigating your bachelor’s life. But since the damage is done, avoiding or ignoring the situation isn’t going to help.

Here’s what I would do if I had your terrible judgment: take her out for a drink (dinner is too date-y, lunch or coffee is too formal), and begin by apologizing for not speaking to her for several days afterward — be honest and say that you didn’t know how to handle it. Then tell her you’re happy that you spent a weekend wearing each other out, because it was obvious that it was what both of you wanted. Then say that you think it’s probably not the best idea to get involved with someone you live with, because you don’t want to be jealous when she moves on and brings another guy home and shit like that. Then what will happen next is she’ll probably agree with you, then you two will have some more drinks and have sex anyway. Then the next year of your life will be spent occasionally having sex with her while you never develop a relationship with anyone else because it’s too awkward to bring a girl home, so you’ll only ever hook up with someone else if you can go back to her place or if your roommate is out of town.

Essentially, you’re fucked. But if you approach the situation with openness and honesty, you’ll make your life somewhat easier.

Hey fellas,
Quasi-Fantasy First: I have a suicide pool question as opposed to the traditional fantasy team question for you. By a bit of luck and educated guesses, I’m still in a suicide pool and somehow still have the Colts, Saints, Cowboys and Broncos to choose from over the heart of the season. Seeing as these teams will more than likely make the playoffs, is it a better idea to use them over the next few weeks and take my chances with teams who have a pretty good chance to make the playoffs or use these powerhouses in December when Sorgi will get lots of snaps?

While it’s nice to have those excellent teams available to you, I’d look at it from the other way: who are the terrible teams playing that you haven’t used? I’d be poring over the schedules of the Redskins, Lions, Browns, and Raiders. Those teams are dogshit. Dude, the Lions blew a 17-point lead to the Seahawks last week. Shitty teams are where you’re gonna make your money.

Sex: Here’s a set of circumstances that I’m not sure warrant red flags and I should run for the hills or worth the risk/heartbreak. I’m 30, college educated and have been in the work force 10+ years, she’s 25 just finished grad school, never had a real job or any work experience. She mentioned possibly moving in together as she can no longer keep her student housing. We started having a heated discussion about the job market and where it may or may not lead and although I am paying for everything right now, when the job market recovers, I would want her to contribute financially if she were living with me. She impolitely disagrees.

Well, fuck her in the face.

Been dating for about 5 months and New Years Day would be when she would move into my place. Other possible red flags: I am the first guy she’s dated since she was in high school. Her current roommate is her ex-girlfriend, who gives me the death stare when I am in her presence. They broke up about 3 months before we started dating, but still share their house. She is also a big fan of jam bands. Endearing qualities: Although she has a very hippy vibe, she does not reek of patchouli. She loves football and hockey. She is a solid 8.5.

I’ll be honest: I kind of hate your girlfriend.

sidebar: If a threesome were to happen with her and another girl, it wouldn’t be her roommate as roommate is totally butch and has sworn to cut my dick off if I make her cry. So, should I stick with her hoping she comes into the real world sooner than later or end it now?
-Lesbo Converter

Listen, that’s great that she’s hot and likes sports. But dude, this girl has never been an actual grown-up, and the notion that someone wants to live with you and has issued not a request but the expectation that you pay her portion of the rent and continue to do so in perpetuity? FUCK. THAT. SHIT.

Oh, the economy’s shit and she can’t put her master’s degree to use? Boo fucking hoo, Denny’s needs a waitress. She isn’t entitled to shit. Welcome to life, honey. Pay your bills. Pay your own fucking rent. And if she’s got a problem with that, she can go crying to her dyke ex-girlfriend and munch box for a living. Put that broad on waivers.

Dear Sir or Madam,
I am torn at the Flex position this week between Devin Hester (Thurs. @ SF) and Ladell Betts (Sun. vs. Den). Please help me with this shitshow.

Yeesh. My knee-jerk reaction was Hester, who’s had at least six catches each of the last four weeks. But Betts looked good filling in for Clinton Portis, and Denver did give up 155 yards to Rashard Mendenhall in getting exposed on Monday night. So I don’t know. Given that the Redskins are fucking terrible and will likely be throwing most of the second half, I’d lean towards Hester.

I am also torn about Christmas with the old lady. My girlfriend is freaking out because she has strong feelings about wanting to spend Christmas together. She is pretty adamant about being together that day, but apparently that means giving up my family celebration for hers in a far, far different location, and my family is going to be fucking pissed if I’m not there with them. Keep in mind, her and I haven’t been together long enough at all to call the other’s family our in-laws. This is hardly sex related, but could very well result in a chain of events to affect it. Do I say fuck it, hurt her feelings, and catch her on the flip side, or do I bargain?
-Santos L. Halper

I gave up a Christmas once to spend it with a girlfriend’s family instead of my own. We were awfully young (something like 23 and 19) but pretty serious about each other, and I was very much already welcomed into her parents’ home. It was my first Christmas away from my family, and it turned out okay. Looking back, I would have preferred to spend it with my family, but at the time it was the right thing for my relationship and the girl I was head over heels for.

Judging by the tone of your email, you would rather be with your family, so be with your family. Just explain to her that as special as she is to you, your family has been in your life a whole lot longer than she has been, and you choosing them isn’t a sign of disrespect to her but a sign of respect to your familial bond. If you have to, bargain: arrange for a separate trip to meet/spend time with her family. Easter’s nice for that.

My friends and brethren at KSK,
I need help the good ol’ fantasy squad this week. I have to start 3 of these WRs. Please help me choose. They are: Brandon Marshall (@WAS), Mike Sims-Walker (@NYJ), Sidney Rice (DET), Jerricho Cotchery (JAC), Malcom Floyd (PHI), Mohamed Massaquoi (BAL). I was leaning towards a line-up of B-Marsh, Rice, and Cotchery. What combo do you think would lead to me to victory this week?

Pretty good, but I’d go with Sims-Walker over Cotchery. Cotchery’s only found the end zone once all season.

As for the more romantic aspects of life. People are always asking whether you’re an Ass man or Tit man. Some people who don’t have the balls to choose one say, a little bit of both. I was just wondering what the gentlemen at KSK preferred?
-Chronic

I don’t have such a narrow worldview. If a girl’s got a perfect ass but not much up top, then I’m an ass man. If a girl’s got a flat ass but a great rack, then I’m a tit man. If I see a petite thing with great stems in kitten heels, voilà, I’m a leg man.

I appreciate women’s bodies, plain and simple. I love great tits. I love a phenomenal ass. To choose one or the other is to deny yourself the beauty of the female form.

what up KSK-
Fantasy first. I’m pretty positive I’m making the playoffs in my league. I’m 8-1, the 2nd place team is 5-4. It’s a ten team league and 4 teams make the playoffs. A very big reason for my winning is taking risks on drafting Ochocinco and Benson early in the draft when no one else was. Now, is it ok for me to adopt the Bengals as my favorite team for the rest of the season considering these three factors: (1) Obviously they are a big part of me being 8-1 at this point, (2) I’m a huge Bears fan (obviously rooting for Benson kind of sucks), but I really want Lovie/Angelo gone otherwise that franchise will become Browns-esque; but with more sulk. (3) I go to grad school in ‘the city of champions’ (shoot me in the face), so naturally Steeler fans made me despise the Steelers. Am I a douche for rooting for the Bengals out of wanting my coach fired, fantasy football, and hatred for their rival fanbase?

Nope. Those are excellent reasons to root for a team. If scientists could harness my hatred for the Steelers, it would solve the energy crisis. Go Bengals! (Note: you still have to cheer for the Bears as your #1 team. Even if it’s cheering for a higher draft pick.)

On to the bangaranging. I drink heavily and often. I’ve made girls I’ve slept with feel bad about themselves because I wasn’t able ejac because I’ve been so drunk. Obviously it’s an awkward thing and i have to pull some “no, i am attracted to you, i’m just shitfaced” bullshit. I’ve tried being like, ‘why don’t we try again in the morning?’ but that seems to piss them off more. How would you deal with this? (yes I know I should maybe just not get so shitty)

Oh, and thanks for giving me stuff to read when I should be listening to some nerd drone on about federal rules of evidence and shit.
-Jack Daniels

Fake an orgasm. It preserves her feelings and prevents your embarrassment. (NOTE: this only works if you’re wearing a condom, which obviously you should be doing anyway.) Then when you get it on again in the morning, she’ll think you’re really virile. What a sucker!

Dear KSK,
Fantasy first: Mendenhall v cincy with willie parker returning, or moreno @wash with a struggling washington run d… standard scoring, ppr.

Yahoo projects Mendenhall to get 14.08 points in a PPR league. Knowshon: only 7.42. Now, it goes without saying that Yahoo projections will fuck you in the ass if you give them the chance, but that’s a pretty big disparity. Go with ‘Shard.

Sex second: Let me preface this by saying I hate anal, and this has nothing to do with the question, but I want it to be duly noted. I am a 22 year old college senior at a major state school. I am about as far from a virgin as you can get, but as I near graduation, I find myself questioning the fact that I am manipulating 18 and 19 year old girls into giving me sucking/fucking me pretty much all over campus.

Obviously I love this, and am not complaining, but I feel like I should start preparing for the real world where girls aren’t trashy and they enjoy relationships. I guess the real question is, when do you move on from the random strange in anticipation of bars/parties where girls don’t show you their tits for lukewarm natty lights?

When you graduate from college and get a job. Not a minute before then. Do you hear me? NOT ONE FUCKING MINUTE.

Bonus question, why do so many girls like the bald look nowadays? To quote a fictional hero of mine Hank Moody, “And 3, while I’m down there it might be nice to see a hint of pubis. I’m not talking about a huge 70’s Playboy bush or anything. Just something that reminds me that I’m performing cunnilingus on an adult.”
gloriously,
anal non-enthusiast

There are plenty of women who don’t tend their gardens. And there are many who tend them but leave some hair. You’ll learn this when you leave your big state school and start missing the days of getting hot teenage shaved pussy all the time.

Dear Pubes On Bars Of Soap,
Football: Would you trade Steve Smith (NYG) and Julius Jones for Ocho? Steve Smith is on a bye this week and it’s a crucial matchup for me. I could really use Ocho’s points, but there’s still a decent chance I win without him (even though I’d either be playing Johnny Knox, Pierre Garcon, or Andre Caldwell).

Smith has more yards and as many touchdowns as Ochocinco, so in essence you’re giving up a better wide receiver and a running back for a lesser wideout (as far as number this season are concerned). However, on a week-to-week basis, I think Smith and Ocho are essentially a wash — you can be reasonably assured that Chad’s going to continue to produce. If you really need the help, I’d say make the trade, but counter-offer to trade the WRs straight up.

Pussy-pounding: The girl I’ve been dating for a month and am really into just dropped the bomb on me – she has herpes. I’ve been fortunate to keep my dick clean for 26 years and 30+ partners, but after a little research I found out that herpes isn’t that easy to transfer unless the carrier has an outbreak. Should I say fuck it and just keep my mouth away from her meat curtains, or keep my dick sore-free and move along?
Thanks,
Paterfamilias

I’d like to direct you to the KSK mailbag from March 12th of this year, in which Drew provided what I consider to be the definitive take on dating someone with herpes:

I think it’s pretty damn considerate (and rather) brave of her to let you know that she’s got the herps. Estimates say 40% of New Yorkers have herpes. At this point, it’s less a disease than a cool genital accessory (oooh look! Spots!). She’s right about it not being that big a deal. If you use a rubber and never hook up during outbreaks, you should be fine. But you should ALWAYS wear a rubber, because the truth is that herpes can indeed spread even when she is not breaking out if you aren’t using protection. CRIMINY! Sly little virus, that herpes. [...]

The real issue is down the road. If you end up getting married and wanting to have kids with this girl or something, at some point you’ll have to risk riding bareback. Is it worth the occasional breakout of dick spots to have a happy relationship with a woman you find extremely attractive? I say yes. Getting a hot girl with herpes is like getting a Corvette at government auction. THAT’S GOOD VALUE FOR YOUR PENIS!

the_more_you_know

Dear KSK,
Football: I’m kind of spoiled. I need to pick two out of: Ray Rice @Cle, Ronnie Brown vs TB, and Chris Johnson vs Buf. Also, if i was thinking of trading one, which one?

In a PPR league, Ray Rice is the third-ranked fantasy running back in the NFL. Play Rice and Johnson. Trade Brown.

Sex: Ugh, I don’t even know were to begin. This is pretty fucked up, so if you want to pass on this I won’t be offended or anything. For reference, I’m a 21 year old male. Okay. So it had been awhile since I last got laid. It’s not that I’m a freak or anything, I just have intense commitment issues. But that could be it’s own topic altogether. I only bring this up because it relates later.

So anyway, I have a gay friend. We hang out occasionally, mostly seeing each other at parties, that sort of thing.

Uh oh. I see where this is going.

This last weekend we just so happened to be going to the same party. I ended up drinking, a lot. I’ll spare you the nitty gritty, but I ended up having sex with my gay friend.

Now I am completely straight. I realize that sounds retarded considering I had gay sex, but it’s one thing I’m totally positive about. I’ve never been attracted to another man, ever. I watch exclusively straight or lesbian porn, I’m not even remotely turned on or attracted to guy on guy porn.

Here’s another thing, I was blacked out the whole time. I literally was standing in the kitchen with a large group of people, and then next thing I knew I woke up in bed with another dude.

And ANOTHER thing. From the conversation I had with him the next morning. Apparently, it wasn’t just a little sex. It was a lot of sex. Multiple hours of really hardcore sex.

Bleh.

Okay.

What do I say to this guy? I’m not even sure I want to even see him again! Can you reasonably have a friendship with someone after that? How do I get over something like that? I mean, it’s really easy to say “Well, it doesn’t change who you are” or whatever. But I gotta say, it’s really a mindfuck finding out you went all out with another dude. I feel like maybe I’m over reacting. He hangs out with a lot of the same people I do, so it’s not like I can just run away from this. I don’t want to upset him or anything but “Yeah, when we fucked I was totally blacked out and even thinking about it makes me want to vomit” seems like a pretty shitty thing to tell someone, even if it’s the truth.

I’m also really terrified of other people finding out. I have no idea who knows what actually happened. Would I lose friends over this? Do I just try and bury all of this or do I come out with it?

Can I ever go back to being who I was before all this? Please help.
Thanks,
never drinking again

Yikes. Wow. Hoo boy.

First things first: have you considered the possibility that you were raped? I mean, you’re straight, you were blacked out, and he had a whole lot of anal sex with you without you remembering a thing. Think about it: if that same scenario happened between a woman and a guy in an Ed Hardy t-shirt, everyone would call it rape.

Verdict: gay rape, also known as “grape.”

I apologize for not being more serious, but holy shit, dude. I don’t even know where to begin. Before you take a word of anyone’s advice — be it my own or someone in the comments — I’d make a beeline to a mental health professional. That’s some heavy shit that goes beyond what little expertise I have.

In fact, I don’t think I want to give you any advice on the chance that it might be bad advice. I have no idea what you can or should say to your gay friend. I don’t know the best way to keep this under wraps (Jesus, have you seen the way gay men gossip?). I have no clue how your friends might react, and I can’t begin to imagine how you’d go about getting past this, other than by seeking professional help.

I don’t know what to say here. Um, at least  you have Ray Rice and Chris Johnson as your starting running backs?