One of the better surprises of the 2009 season has been the quiet, ninja-like efficiency of Cris Collinsworth in the color commentator’s chair for NBC’s Sunday Night Football. Everyone was aware of the large ass-groove that Cris was assigned to fill with the departure of John Madden, and Collinsworth has clearly made that ass groove his own. He’s brought insight, humor, and criticism to each Sunday Night game that he has covered, and we’re better for it.
First of all, HOW FUCKING HARD is it to find someone like Cris that, you know, JUST TALKS ABOUT FOOTBALL, and doesn’t try to give players idiotic nicknames, doesn’t make up football terms like “eye discipline,” and doesn’t act like he’s holding a hose at a kegger. I’m looking at you, Tirico. Cris has been great, great to the point that 11 percent of America is now gay for him (Source: Drew).
So now that everything is hunky dory in the Sunday Night booth, obviously it’s only a matter of time before something fucks it up. Don’t forget that Collinsworth was a former Bengal, and is obviously prone to the lascivious nature native to that club. So on behalf of a football-loving nation, do NOT sell any cocaine to Cris Collinsworth. I know the economy is bad right now, but think of America. Think of Dan Dierdorf. Think of Dan Fouts. Think of Dennis Cocksucking Miller. That is all.
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Bill Belichick speaks like Robert Downey Jr.
You heard it here first.
Ginger alert.
The picture accompanying the link at the bottom of the page – entitled “Is This Tim Tebow’s Girlfriend?” – reminds me that I am not part of that very homosexual 11%.
15 inches of America is now gay for him (Source: John Holmes)
/fixed
“Well, I don’t know about that…”
It would be a lot cooler if you did.
“Cris has been great, great to the point that 11 percent of America is now gay for him (Source: Drew).”
Soooo… Drew accounts for 11% of America? I know he’s got some weight, but DAMN …..
I am old. I got Olbermann’s reference too.
THIS GUY, this guy right here is a COMPETENT COLOR MAN.
Collinsworth thinks his 16 year old girlfriend is very mature.
Chris Collinsworth is the JOKER of commentators
Collinsworth: better than we expected, worse than we deserve.
ive been a fan of the site since the cumslingers epic inner commentary on his thought process of throwing against NE on the superbowl run… but defending that asshole collinsworth?
… im out. fuck this place
/will be back tomorrow, or later tonight if my bears dont suck.
// ok, if the comparison is madden i guess i understand u liking him
Guess we’ll see you tomorrow, then.
“Cris Collinsworth — this guy is a color commentator. I call him the….”
/gruden
/will be back tomorrow, or later tonight if my bears dont suck.
Good bye, you are the weakest sulk.
Waa, I sometimes disagree with the opinions of others posted on a website that otherwise provides me with humorous material day in and day out…
Sorry enbu, it’s directed more at all the comments that end in “I’m out” or “Fuck this place”, not just yours especially since yours isn’t serious. Get’s annoying, though.
@ Ricky Williams’s Bong: THISclose.
Flubby got a white hooker tonight.
@ace once kickoff happens most likely. ill withhold judgment til then. i mean im a fan of sports teams from a city that includes the cubs, gotta keep the false hope going at least til the pain starts
@OCFC no worries, wouldnt care even if u really hated me for it dude. hell, i deserve it and hate those people as well.
and btw, my quitting of the site lasted a whole ten minutes until my left open firefox tab accidentally had f5 hit while it was active and i felt the need to comment again.
I hadn’t noticed before but Faith Hill is fucking smoking hot.
11% of America would go gay for Cris Collinsworth?
Would that number double for John Madden? Half for Tony Kornheiser?
The 4th Phase has to be the worst nickname for a fan club.
“I hadn’t noticed before but Faith Hill is fucking smoking hot.”
You’re either retarded or blind. If you’re either, my apologies. If not, COME ON. Faith Hill even SOUNDS hot. Plus, you know any girl named Faith, Hope, Chastity, or any other biblical virtue is ridiculously slutty. Also, girls named after months and gemstones. If they’re named after cars, I’d recommend staying far away. And wearing a rubber.
Vick sighting!
That run was harmful to animals.
“Nice run, dog! Err…”
Mike Vick just beat the Bears D with a college play.
If they need Cutler to bail them out, are they screwed or really screwed?
im pretty sure andrea kramer is already a zombie and the sign of the oncoming zombie apocalypse. damn that face is scary…
If they’re named after cars, I’d recommend staying far away.
Hey! My sweetheart, Tacoma Santa Fe Jones, resents that!
Shoulda had more Captain in him.
I didn’t think “Tailgate Tested” guy could get tougher to stomach.
Then they went and added mustard-related sexual innuendo.
@enbu:
Exhibit A: [twonateshow.files.wordpress.com]
Exhibit B: [www2.hawaii.edu]
Maybe it’s just me…
Please for the love of all that is holy keep throwing it to Celek.
You know what, fuck this site. I’m sticking to Florio now for my football coverage.
8:23pm ET – Mike, what do the Eagles need to do to win tonight?
Score more points than the Bears.
“Nice run, dog! Err…”
+1
@SavetoFavorites: Sorry, couldn’t resist.
Wait… their TACKLE’s from Vanderbilt, too? Jesus, that’s a lot of Dandy.
Suzie Kolber is way too old for Chris.
OMAHA!
Hey, Eagles… he’s only going to throw you about 10 passes that can be easy INTs… you need to catch those!
shit that was a lucky ass save for McNabb.
Why would you ever ask Vick to pass the ball?
Why would you ever ask Vick to pass the ball?
Have you not seen Andy Reid coach?
Anyone else watchign this online and just getting the same Yahoo and Sprint ads until you want to puke?
the best thing that’s happened to collinsworth is for joe buck to continuously make fun of his neck
(and for madden to get too fat to breath)
“Wow! A YOOGE number of people are from Chicago!”
/Michaels
Have you not seen Andy Reid coach?
/calls a run on first down, McCoy gains 8 yards
“Eight yards! Fuck it, I’m passing from here on out.”
A turkey-neck like Cris Collinsworth must get nervous around Thanksgiving.
@otto
since we are down 10-0 my new hope is someone accidentally shoots colinsworth in a “terrible” thanksgiving “accident”
Wild Cris Collinsworth is actually much smarter than Domesticated Cris Collinsworth.
Ok, weird ass PS3 commercial with the dyke looking mom in it, then talking puppies in a straight to DVD Christmas movie followed by a hairy fat guy…. Worst run of commercials ever
/Gets another beer to kill the brain cell that will remember those
Cutler breaking out the shocksulk look.
He really steps it up for primetime games.
“Open receivers in the endzone on consecutive plays? Whatever. I don’t care.”
I cannot think of any better cutaway music there than Linkin Park.
“Nothing says I love you like getting bargain jewelry at the mall.”
“Nothing else says ‘I had to go in anyway to get new tires at Sear’s…’”
“Throwing catchable passes to the open man in the endzone is so conformist.”
I really thought Jay and darkness would be a better match.
So we can assume that Jay Cutler is afraid of vampires?
/sulksulkslkwhere’smygarlic
no need to hit them in the endzone this early. cutler is obviously a second half qb. we will hit those passes when it matters.
And McNabb with the one hopper to an open receiver.
This is like a clinic in overrated quarterbacking.
Speaking of Jason Peters, he’s a fat fuck.
What better way to say “I Love You” than with the gift of a spatula.
The only open receiver Jay Cutler cares about is your sister.
3rd and 70. here comes a first down
Not just zero but double zero!
Rush Limbaugh says the media and the NFL only want Jay Cutler to succeed because he’s a diabetic.
Christmas Ape Says:
November 22nd, 2009 at 9:04 pm
“Open receivers in the endzone on consecutive plays? Whatever. I don’t care.”
I’ve got Olsen/Slaton vs. Iggles D in a PPR league and I’m down by 18. I don’t care if he sulks through everyone else on the roster. Olsen needs to produce!
I’m with you on Olsen, GU. That float bomb fucking killed me.
And sweet Jesus, can someone get DeSean Jackson the ball?
When Tommie Harris plays well, it’s because the guard is way too fat to pick up the stunt.
McNabb’s not cool enough to get a roughing penalty.
Hester’s own guy brought him down. Good coaching Lovie.
Holy white running back batman!!
Wow. A Cade Mcnown mention.
That’s not Matt Forte!
I’m with you, GU (and Otto). Olsen Fanclub Assemble!
The crowd should hate the play call, Al.
I’m not the only one who heard Collinsworth call Johnny Knox “Johnny Knoxville” on that replay, right?
Fffffffffffffffffffffuck.
HE’S A TERRORIST!
That run was so long that I uttered “who the fuck is that guy” at least three times before it was over.
Quit overthrowing Olsen, damn it!
Shades of the Jim Miller glory days?
Touchdown? Whatever. I just want to see New Moon again tonight.
Pretty auspicious debut carry for NotMattForte there.
Andy Reid would like to challenge the ruling that the pass was not intercepted
Quit overthrowing Olsen, damn it!
You’re not the boss of Jay!
Rob in WI is a 42 year old woman with 4 cats? Who knew…
@Generic Username
Jay Cutler will overthrow Orton BECAUSE he’s on your fantasy team.
This game is like watching mentally challenged people try to play football.
The only thing missing from that scramble was yakkity sax.
Hunter Hillenmeyer:Brian Urlacher::Jerry Seinfeld as a mailman:Newman as a mailman
Near pickeration!
as a bears fan i was the only one not surprised by that run, however, as a bears fan i expect 10 more runs for him netting 3-4 total yards.
Jay Cutler doesn’t care about your fantasy team, brah.
Did I just see some guy wearing red and blue face paint? Apparently being close in color is enough for some people
Hunter Hillenmeyer:Brian Urlacher::Jerry Seinfeld as a mailman:Newman as a mailman
We knew it wasn’t you Brian… there were way too many actual tackles, and not jumping on the pile after Briggs made the tackle.
PICKERCEPTION! McNabb didn’t know that that means you lose posession.
@Fat Polamalu
I thought it was a random Texans fan a night early for the MNF game.
McCoy’s favorite animated film of the last few years? Why, it’s “Happy Feet,” of course!
Trent Cole looked like he had x-ray eyes.
Will the sulking commence before haltime? Someone check our BlackuWeather 5000′s readings.
Chicago crowd: BOO! MORE NOTMATTFORTE!
“They like Jay Cutler and want to see him in action” Of course they do, a pick 6 is much more exciting than a FG
I think if one of the KSKers can get that screen cap, it will sum up the Bears season.
Someone check our BlackuWeather 5000’s readings.
HE GON SULK!
Thank you, Ollie…
“Jay has missed practice NINE times this season”.
Whatever!
Desean defucked up.
I’m convinced, Otto: the quarterbacks in this game are actively fucking wit’cha.
NBC wishes it could show a replay of the Browns-Lions game right now.
FUCK.
/Jackson fantasy owner
*Cutler throws interception*
Whatever, at least somebody caught it.
Kellen is the new go-to name for fuck-ups.
I mean, really? Really?
YAY NOT-FORTE!
Cutler runs the naked sulkleg.
Is Cutlerfucker trying to emulate the Sex Cannon?
“Whatever. I’m throwing deep. Not like that cheerleader even cares.”
Cutler’s making his case for the javelin squad for the 2012 olympics.
Yes Al… THAT’S why the pass was so overthrown.
/wanking motion
Cutler, you’ll never get an interception this drive if you keep overthrowing defensive backs.
So being held for one tenth of a second equals being overthrown by 15 yards? I never did understand math
Earl Bennet is my defense attorney.
Who is Cutler bitching out there for the ball thrown into the dirt? Sir Isaac Newton?
Great tackling Eagles… no, really, if 4 guys can’t tackle Earl Bennett, maybe you should just see if McDonald’s is hiring.
Was he overthrowing the one receiver, or underthrowing the other?
It’s so hard to tell with cutlerfucker sometimes. Always keepign us guessing.
2Rob – He’s just keeping the defense off balance
*Culter throws into triple coverage*
Whatever, how’s my eyeliner look?
dammit… meant @Rob
@Rob: You really want these geniuses making your Big Mac?
Cutlerfucker will need an insulin shot after that run.
Cutlerscrambler doesn’t have to stay inbounds to “gain extra yards” to “try to get a first down”.
Olsen just tried to pull the rubber leg.
“Lovie wants to work a little… (Timeout Bears)… ok, no he doesn’t”
God bless you for trying to figure out what Lovie wants to do Cris.
Apparently, they don’t teach breaking-the-armless-tackles-of-smaller-men at the U. Olsen should have gone to Vandy with Bennett.
Otto – Plus 9.8 m/s.
Sneak sulk!
This is absolutely painful to watch.
Speaking of diabetes, let’s show the creation of a 5000 calorie pizza
Touchdown for Diabetes… brought to you by a headcheese and lard deepdish pizza.
BOO!!! NOT-FORTE IS AVERAGING MORE YPC THAN YOU’VE GOT TOTAL YARDS!!!
Pregame
McNabb: Did you know games can end in ties? People get pissed if you don’t know that.
Cutler: Whatever *long drag off of skinny cigarette*, eventually the Earth will be enveloped by the expanding sun and we’ll all be burned alive *exhales thin stream of smoke*.
Did Andy Reid just call a time out so he’d have roughly 12 seconds after the kickoff?
Timeout Eagles. To confuse the Bears offense by giving them time to draw up the overthrow.
Well played Andy Reid.
Doesn’t it seem sometimes like Cutler HAS to be secretly French?
No way Cutler’s French. He’s Belgian.
Ok, what the fuck was the point of the timeout? This is going to drive me nuts trying to figure it out…. Call a time to save time to not take a shot at the end zone?
@Gino Tourettsa: Either way, if not for the adoption, he’s smoking Gitanes.
Ask not what Lovie’s point was. It’s like trying to solve one of those mysteries like Stonehenge or Art Shell.
@Fat Polamalu: It’s Andy Reid. It doesn’t have to make sense. About all I can figure is that he suddenly remembered that timeouts don’t carry over to the 2nd half so he might as well use one there.
I figured Cutler would smoke Gauloises. In any case, he wears a beret and curses the NFL bourgeosie.
Fuck RV guy for “coming up with” D‡‡‡
Silly Costas, no one cares about Brown-Bills games.
God help me, I’m agreeing with Bob Costas. I think I need to drink more.
Costas obviously bet Atlanta this week.
After that little speech, Bob Costas might want to have someone else start his car for him after the game. Herr Goodell doesn’t like dissenters
Asante is out with an injury to his…stinger.
Pick for Sulkface coming?
Lovie Smith wants to challenge his own play calling. Andy Reid can’t figure out why.
Whose parents hated him more: Danyel Manning’s, or Macho Harris’?
McNabb used to be thin?
Vick comes on, penalty, Vick comes off.
In all seriousness… Lurie can’t afford, like, a rules tutor for his QB?
Of course there was a 16-yard punt in this game, why do you ask?
To be fair, though, Maclin is second on the team in kills tonight, and he’s serving REALLY well.
This game is destined to be 12-10 or 13-12, right?
Holy fuck… can’t we get a meteor on demand?
Jay’s girlfriend Sophie just showed up in a commercial. I think she said, “I am le tired”.
wheat beer gives me a migraine!
Earl Bennett will paint that car for just $19.99!
So, at 9:15 I flipped to Next Iron Chef finale. I am glad to see I missed only sulking and a field goal and numerous confusion at playcalling and Cutlerthrows. (Patting own back) Now I am back for the finale of Cutlersulk vs. Andyfail.
Nice popped collar.
If I hear “intended for Olsen” one more time…
EVEN POPPED-COLLAR BEARS FAN HAS LOST SULK-FAITH!
Anonymous-Bears-Fan-Inexplicably-Wearing-A-Collared-Shirt-Under-A-Jersey is DISPLEASED
Damn you Rob, one of your score options is now in play.
Game on! Whatever…
nice towel Andy.
This score has entered the water-polo zone.
Even the refs are fit for this game. “We should have called that penalty, but we didn’t. Now we are. Thank you.”
DeSean is not one for Defollowing Deblockers.
Or Volleyball scoring, to carry on the Maclin joke.
Or the Lovie zone 10 lovie.
POLICE THAT MOOSHSTACHE!
Holy shit, I looked at the shot of Urlacher on the sideline and I could have sworn it was Cutlerfucker.
“12 unanswered points”…
Is that impressive? Really? 4 consecutive FGs?
First team to 15 (by ones) wins! You gotta win by two!
SULK MONTAGE!
Wow… a sulk montage.
Another fadeaway jumper by cutler
“Sulky Cutler montage annnnnnd… scene.”
Oh god… did I really see Cutlerfucker do the hand wave thing?
This guy really is comedy gold. My life is better with him in the NFC North.
What would be the Sulk Music to dub over the Sulk Montage?
Ever since these ED commercials have become mainstream, watching football games with dad have gotten just a little bit awkward at times.
Bauhaus
What would be the Sulk Music to dub over the Sulk Montage?
Depeche Mode. No question.
Touch? Down?
Jackson!
ummm. That is an actual score. Whatever.
THANK YOU SWEET RAPTOR JESUS
Well, there goes my 8 game FFB winning streak…
Suddenly the Bears are back down two field goals on one play. I bet Lovie never thought of scoring more than 3 points at a time.
“Whatever. That’ll take TWO field goals.”
Field Goalkkake
Earl Bennet had a great TV show.
Is that you Johnny?
Not in David Akers house!
In Jeff Reed’s house, sure. But not lefty!
even money says Cutlerfucker was drawing a penis on the whiteboard.
Chris comments in a surprised fashion regarding Jay’s indifference.
You, sir, shame the 7th Floor Crew.
More Sulk Pics? Yes Please!!!!!
DAMMIT, NOT-OLSEN!
Notgregolsen with the TD!
Lovie looked ready to challenge that touchdown.
“Phillip Rivers can float passes? Whatever. I can too.”
Forte finds the endzone! Sort of!
and teh extra 2? huh? Waht?
HELLO!
The crowd electrified again….for the 2nd time this season.
Macho pooped a nacho on that one.
What that hit really was missing was Urlacher jumping on the pile 4 seconds later to get credit for it.
AF LAVA! AF LAVA!
Ever since these ED commercials have become mainstream, watching football games with dad have gotten just a little bit awkward at times.
Try not sitting on his lap.
Well, that T-Formation did thrill the nation.
If they gave out Pro Bowl slots for pancaking dudes from behind, WInston Justice would be Anthony Munoz.
No, Andy Reid… not “trippin” like your kids do….
I thought the ref said stripping. Oh well. I am off to bed and watch there. Carryon, Khommenters!
For the .000000001% of you who might care, Northeastern just disbanded its college football team.
Don Ameche, on the other hand, was healed by aliens.
go bears! … and such. yay!
Fun fact about “the greatest game ever played” which brought the NFL into the TV era: The fucking game was blacked out from tv in New York!
Even back then the NFL was run by dickheads with stupid tv rules.
In Eagles games, the worst team always prevails.
LeSean McCoy coughs up the ball right on cue.
If Hillenmeyer keeps playing like this, Brian Urlacher will NEVER get the transfer to Hawai– oh, who am I kidding? He’ll ALWAYS get the transfer to Hawaii.
And now we’re back to a terrible game.
But, hey, that half hour of borderline good football was really fun.
“And I call that guy the Donkey Puncher!” Oh, wait. That’s tomorrow night. Carry on.
Cutler wants you to know, he doesn’t give a shit.
In Eagles games, the worst team always prevails.
The Eagles are undefeated?
There’s not enough footballs being thrown to Brent Celek.
Reid just calls run plays to give McNabb shorter passing options.
REF TACKLE!
Uh oh, Collinsworth is channeling Gruden. “I call him the Hustler!”
What the fungus
Does it bother anyone else that the Jaguars might make the playoffs? They fuckin suck.
One of these idiots are goign to challenge, right?
Umm, someone out of the Giants, Cowboys, Eagles triangle of sucktitude is going to make it.
Time for a backbreaking Cutlerfucker INT.
@ twoeightnine: Yes, but al three of those are more interesting brands of suck than the Jags. There is no joy to be had in the Jones-Drew sulkface.
Ha Ha you suck Cutler
There’s the Cutlersulkerfucker we all know and love. Now I can go to sleep happy
There’s the INT we were waiting for.
H Cuz is psychic.
Finally, what we all came here to see: hard core nudity!
And a culterception to lose the game.
Donovan McNabb tells sulkface how to deal with a town that hates your guts.
CUTLERCEPTION! phew, close one there. amazingly the eagles are still in the playoff hunt.
Donovan doing his best LaToeInjury impression: mumblemumblemumblemumblemumble
McNabb likes ‘em thick, white, and with low self-esteem.
Do we NEED to check Gentleman Jay for a McHickey?
@Monkey Business:
“Plus, you know any girl named Faith, Hope, Chastity, or any other biblical virtue is ridiculously slutty.”
Two words — Chastity fucking Bono.
Vintage fucking Cuntler! I can’t imagine a better sunday. Oh wait, the Donks could’ve showed up for a home game. The whisky helps.
[twitpic.com]
cue “The Chicago Bears were exposed in more than one way way last night…” ledes in 5-4-3-2-1….
Lovie wants to challenge the final score.
Goddammit Cutlerfucker! It would help if your OC was halfway as competent as that Corky kid from Life Goes On but fuck me! It’s sad when Josh Beekman is the only offensive lineman on the team that comes close to mediocre.
It’s only fitting
@Visanthe: doesn’t count. She’s now a he.
if anyone has ever played madden, cris collinsworth is the biggest dickhead ever. stop showing me where i should have thrown the ball mother fucker!
Dennis “Cocksucking” Miller? Really???
This shitty little sports blog has become little more than leftist propaganda. HOW MUCH IS GEORGE SOROS PAYING YOU FAGGOTS???
watch iron man 2 on-line at [movies.neverseen.net]
check out iron man 2 streamming at [movies.neverseen.net]