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One of the better surprises of the 2009 season has been the quiet, ninja-like efficiency of Cris Collinsworth in the color commentator’s chair for NBC’s Sunday Night Football. Everyone was aware of the large ass-groove that Cris was assigned to fill with the departure of John Madden, and Collinsworth has clearly made that ass groove his own. He’s brought insight, humor, and criticism to each Sunday Night game that he has covered, and we’re better for it.

First of all, HOW FUCKING HARD is it to find someone like Cris that, you know, JUST TALKS ABOUT FOOTBALL, and doesn’t try to give players idiotic nicknames, doesn’t make up football terms like “eye discipline,” and doesn’t act like he’s holding a hose at a kegger. I’m looking at you, Tirico. Cris has been great, great to the point that 11 percent of America is now gay for him (Source: Drew).

So now that everything is hunky dory in the Sunday Night booth, obviously it’s only a matter of time before something fucks it up. Don’t forget that Collinsworth was a former Bengal, and is obviously prone to the lascivious nature native to that club. So on behalf of a football-loving nation, do NOT sell any cocaine to Cris Collinsworth. I know the economy is bad right now, but think of America. Think of Dan Dierdorf. Think of Dan Fouts. Think of Dennis Cocksucking Miller. That is all.