Peter King: Devil On A Red Dress
When we last left noted football learner Peter King, he was eagerly discussing the constant, bulbous throbbing of Brett Favre’s groin. Could that groin injury do Favre in, right in the middle of such a great season? I don’t know. If you touch Favre’s throbbing groin, does a magic baby pop out and grant you wishes? I don’t know. Does the groin smell like rosemary, and lavender, and does its sweat give you healing powers? MAYBE.
Anyway… time for this week’s batch of esoteric, gum poppin’ fun with Peter King. I HOPE YOU FOOTBALL LEARNERS OUT THERE ARE READY FOR SOME SEMI-LEBRONESQUE LEARNING LESSONS.
Much of the past week I’ve spent researching and writing a Peyton Manning story for Sports Illustrated’s NFL midseason report, which you’ll see this week.
I can’t wait. Join Peter for this and other fabulous Sports Illustrated print stories from THIS week, including…
-The Yankees Are About To Return To The World Series!
-Surprise! The 49ers are the 3-1 darlings of the NFL
-Jacorybook ending: The Hurricanes quest for a perfect season
-Your Beijing Summer Olympics preview!
I tell you, it’s the most up-to-date sports media outlet in the world.
I’ll get to the games of the day and issues of the week in a few paragraphs — particularly the Cowboys growing up before our eyes last night in Philly.
Flowering, one might say.
I officially declare Patriots-Colts Hype Week kicked off.
Join the Normans and I as we celebrate the occasion! There’ll be food, cocktails, and a special raffle!
“Peyton Manning and Bill Belichick are twins from another lifetime,” (Qadry) Ismail said.
It’s an interesting comparison.
It’s true. AND both men have appearances that would suggest they were breastfed by wolves as infants. COINCIDENCE?
Manning’s usually a great storyteller, but he zipped it pretty tight last week, amiably declining my request for a one-on-one.
But a two-on-one he was down with. Austin Collie deserves a little taste.
We spent five minutes after his weekly media scrum at his locker Wednesday, and these were the only things I learned: He wears a Timex digital watch with a Gatorade logo that’s set 11 minutes ahead of real time.
Fascinating. Also, Manning will only use a toaster oven if it’s facing due north. He keeps a single persimmon in his jacket pocket at all times to ward off alien ghosts. And he races ants.
I actually didn’t mind Manning not talking.
I got to spend 50 minutes telling him about this German fellow I met!
He’s so good and vivid and descriptive that you can become entranced by his words and stories.
And then you snap out of it 70 minutes later with a yoyo stuck in your rectum and Vaseline smeared all over your crew neck. Such is the power of his vivid talkscapes.
I think I’ve gotten beneath the surface of the closed city of Manning a bit
It’s a small city. A mysterious city, nestled inside a dynastic womb. In the city of Manning, all buildings are triangular, and police are armed only with bags of very stale croutons.
…but I’ll let you be the judge of that. Hope you like the story a tenth as much as you like Colts-Pats on Sunday.
HOW CAN YOU PEOPLE BE BROADCASTING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN THERE’S AN INTERVIEW WITH PEYTON MANNING GOING ON! WHAT THE FUCK?!
Daughter Breleigh was fit to be tied when Favre told her in late July he was staying retired, and, truth be told, Favre was in full waffling mode for much of August until Minnesota coach Brad Childress called and said it’s now or never.
Again, look for this timely scoop in NEXT week’s issue of Sports Illustrated. Along with their staff predictions for the 2006 NBA playoffs!
That was a potentially (and I stress “potentially”) season-altering win for Dallas last night.
Are they going to go undefeated the rest of the way? Maybe. Will they collapse, like they also do? Maybe. ARE THEY SMILING MORE? Definitely.
Upon further review, the unrestricted free-agency list is not so bad.
I wrote a few weeks ago that the UFA class of 2010 would be horrible, because it wouldn’t include unsigned fourth- and fifth-year vets if the league and union don’t have a new CBA done by March. But because of the rise of players like Aubrayo Franklin and the promise of interesting prospects like Brian St. Pierre…
Wait, what? Brian St. Pierre? He’s rising? The six-year journeyman? The guy who has thrown exactly one pass in his entire NFL career, which was thrown five years ago? He’s a rising star?
12. Brian St. Pierre, QB, Arizona. Someone might see him as 2010’s Matt Cassel and go buy him for a fifth of the cost.
But Matt Cassel PLAYED before he became a free agent. Remember? He played, and the Pats went 11-5, and it made sense to consider him as an intriguing prospect. Brian St. Pierre is the third string QB in Arizona. He’s in charge of turning off the sprinklers. Why the fuck would you pay that asshole a dime? Who sees him as 2010’s Matt Cassel? Cleveland? Do you even realize Matt Cassel BLOWS now?
I think I know what’s going on here. I think Brian St. Pierre married into the Bowers family. I KNOW IT IN MY GUT.
Indianapolis (8-0). Dates of the last five Pats-Colts games as the November sweeps continue to dictate the scheduling of this big game: Nov. 7, 2005; Nov. 5, 2006; Nov. 4, 2007; Nov. 2, 2008; Nov. 15, 2009.
My God, it’s like some sort of Jewish holiday
Minnesota (7-1). Good week for a bye, and for rest for Brett Favre’s groin.
Yes, you rest, dear groin. Take it easy. Can I give you a neck massage, groin? Can I dry hump you until the friction singes the hair off?
New England (6-2). Randy Moss, that was one of the best straight-arms in the history of straight-arming. And for you who need to know the rule about helmet-touching, the only player who can’t have his helmet touched is the quarterback.
Or a receiver, if you lead with your head, shoulder, or forearm. You know, for those of you who don’t know the rules.
You won’t be surprised to learn that Vincent Jackson is one of the two wide receivers on my SI midseason All-Pro team, at a newsstand or mailbox near you Wednesday.
But you will be surprised by his All-Pro QB. It’s Derek Jeter!
“I think a dark horse is Buffalo. They talked originally. There was some communication there. I think that could be a good spot.”
-Tony Dungy of NBC’s Football Night in America, asked about possible 2010 landing spots for a player he is advising, Michael Vick.
Oooh! I also here that Fergie will be joining them.
By the way, a small rant on behalf of Eagles fans for a moment. Now, Andy Reid was horrible last night in so many different ways. He fucked up his challenges. He wasted timeouts. He called running plays on 3rd and long. And he kicked the world’s most meaningless field goal. He’s awful, but perhaps the worst example of his incompetence was the fact that he still tries to throw Michael Vick into the game every now and then. Stop it. Vick eats a can of ass. Stop that right now.
It’ll be interesting to see if the groin injury that Favre suffered 12 days ago and aggravated eight days ago is going to be a recurring factor as the 40-year-old QB tries to make it through the final eight weeks of the regular season.
I’ll be watching that groin. Studying it. Tracing its every curve in my mind.
Enjoyable/Aggravating Travel Note of the Week
Boarding a flight from Denver to Phoenix last Tuesday, I was in the aisle walking toward the back of the plane. The aisle was full. The plane was going to be full, and it was probably half-boarded.
AND THERE WAS THIS MAN WHO BROUGHT BOTH A ROLLERBOARD AND A COAT ON BOARD! WHAT A FUCKING PIG. HEY PIGMAN, WHY DON’T YOU CHECK YOUR SUITCASE FOR $50 AND ALLOW THE ELITE FLYERS TO TAKE THEIR RIGHTFUL SEATS? I HAVE A KIT KAT TO OPEN.
“Ladies and gentlemen, we are ready for immediate departure,” the flight attendant said, with a bit of urgency. This was a 6 a.m. flight, and now it was about 5:40. “Please take your seats as soon as possible so we can depart.”
About three minutes late, I got to my seat, was putting away my carryon, and the aisle was still full, with a line of maybe 30 people still making if to their seats.
“Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats so we can be ready for an on-time departure,” she said, more urgently now.
How should we get there, ma’am? By levitating?
Or by moving briskly into your seats?
It wasn’t even 5:45 now. We weren’t leaving the gate, minimum, for 15 minutes. And this women was talking like there was a fire onboard and we had to scram or we’d all be cooked. And it wasn’t even 6 in the morning, no less. Now that’s a good time in the friendly skies right there.
Wait a second. Are you telling me planes board slowly, and this can be aggravating to some? GET THE FUCK OUT. And did you know Metallica is loud? It’s true!
An Expensive Lunch, But A Few Of You Might Be Interested
Welcome to Peter King Platinum!
New England left tackle Matt Light has a foundation, as many players do.
If it’s not called the Light Bringers, I’ll be pissed.
The Light Foundation…
CRIMINY!
…strives to instill honesty and responsibility in young people through outdoor learning experiences that include an outdoor leadership camp and a character-development football camp. He’s opened his Outdoor Leadership Camp on several hundred acres in Ohio, and he’s trying to raise money to bring at-risk and underprivileged teens from New England, Ohio and the West to the camp. I told him I’d help if I could.
With my help, these children could end up leading the league in normalcy.
What we’re going to do is have lunch at Davio’s in Foxboro…
And Hoge and Schlereth better not bogart my freebie!
just outside Gillette Stadium, on Friday, Dec. 11. We’re going to open it to the first 10 people willing to donate $1,000 to the Light Foundation. If you’re interested, contact Light’s representative, Margrette Mondillo, by email at margrette@goodwinpr.com. We’ll hang out that Friday for a couple of hours. Light will tell you every one of the deep, dark Patriot secrets.
“We hang babies.”
I won’t tell you much, but I’ll be there for comic relief.
“This is a nice restaurant. NOT!”
Give all you can. With your $1,000 donation, these kids may be able to go to football camp for three days and maybe recover from a stroke in the process.
I haven’t met Aqib Talib. I don’t think I want to.
He’s so dark!
I never thought Lovie Smith was in any real trouble until yesterday.
Really? Ever see Lovie coach a game? He makes Andy Reid look organized.
I told you to take more chances downfield, Matthew Stafford, which you should do — but not as recklessly as you did yesterday in Seattle.
Yes, that advice doesn’t contradict itself at all! Here’s what Peter initially said: “Throw it downfield, Matthew Stafford. Bombs away, Calvin Johnson or not.” BUT ONLY IF YOU’RE TOTALLY SURE THE GUY IS OPEN! Then you should take a risk, even though it wouldn’t be risky to make such a throw in that instance.
I think Philip Rivers was as impressive as any player in the league Sunday, just by the way he competed. “As cool as a cucumber,” tackle Marcus McNeill said of Rivers. “You very rarely see him squint.”
“Except when he’s making fun of ‘the nips,’ as he calls them. He kind of a dick.”
Still want to fire Jeff Fisher, Titans fans?
Probably. Didn’t that asshole want to keep playing Kerry Collins?
John Fox is going nowhere. Just a gut feeling, but as his team comes back to normal, that’s how I see it.
And when they finally sign Brian St. Pierre, they’ll be back on their way to the top.
e. Arizona’s dangerous.
This just in: The Cardinals can win games!
g. The Falcons will be a tough out in January. And yes, they’ll be playing football in January.
As will the rest of the league, because the last games of the regular season will be played on January 3rd.
What I find so odd about the Falcons is that we’re nine weeks into the season and they’ve only played EIGHT games. Isn’t that weird? They’re like sleeping tigers!
e. The 49ers are better that 3-5. Miami’s better than 3-5. But you get what you deserve. Both have to get better quarterback play to have a chance.
The 49ers are better that 3-5. Miami’s better than 3-5. But they’ve played like shit. And they have shitty QB’s. But they’re both clearly 6-2 squads.
I think the league won’t do anything about Chad Ochocinco’s little money gag, where he took out a dollar bill and waved it at an official during a disputed call. “You know, like, here’s a dollar, change the call,” the Ocho told me. “Just kidding. Just having fun.” Wasn’t sure the league would see it that way, and though I think league officials will look at the replay in New York today, I hear they won’t be inclined to fine Ochocinco. Harmless fun. Well, I didn’t think it was fun, but I’m old and boring.
Now join me for a HILARIOUS lunch with Matt Light!
On Saturday, I shared a dressing room with Taylor Swift at NBC. It’s not what you think.
You mean you weren’t watching Family Guy together?
All her stuff was in the dressing room for the show that night, but she wasn’t there, and I had to dress for the Notre Dame halftime pop on NBC. Well, there was an incident.
Needless to say, I had just visited my proctologist, and…
I stepped on Taylor Swift’s red gown.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Not on purpose, but there it was, the bottom of it on the ground, and I was trying to walk around it…
PETER I’M HAPPY FOR YOU AND I’MMA LET YOU FINISH BUT KANYE WEST HAD THE BEST “FUCKING WITH TAYLOR SWIFT’S LIFE” INCIDENT OF ALL TIME.
…to get my jacket, and I stepped on it, and there it was, a footprint on the bottom of the red material. I quickly wiped off the footprint off. Most of it, anyway. You guys didn’t see a size-14 sneaker mark on the bottom of her red gown Saturday night, did you?
Size 14 feet? My God, Peter King is some kind of flippered sea monster.
Don’t worry about it, Peter. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Or the big stuff. Or the medium-sized, hard to place into a distinct genre stuff.
Jeff Garlin, I know you read this column.
Jeff Garlin is a bastard. A bastard, I tell you.
You’re looking good. You’ve dropped some weight, and you’re sharp.
Is your groin throbbing? Because mine is.
But I don’t write to praise your physique or acting ability. I write to urge you, please: More Funkhauser. We out in “Curb Your Enthusiasm” land cannot get enough of the gravelly voiced weirdo who has three good lines in every scene.
Jeff Garlin won’t do it for you, Peter. He’s a bastard. A total bastard.
Coffeenerdness: Three triple lattes Sunday. Sooner or later, the lack of sleep is going to catch up with me.
I might even end up stomping on some poor chanteuse’s with my freakishly large landslappers.
Listen to Rilo Kiley. You’ll thank me.
A million hipsters died reading that.
My heart goes out to the victims of the Fort Hood and Orlando shootings and their loved ones. Senseless, senseless incidents. I will not go quietly into the night on this one.
Indeed I won’t. I WILL BURY IT IN A SMALL, BULLETED ITEM ON THE SIXTH PAGE OF AN ONLINE FOOTBALL COLUMN. THAT IS HOW MUCH I CARE.
America needs to do something about idiots with handguns. How many more Fort Hoods and Orlandos do there have to be before our political leaders have the guts to severely restrict access to murderous weapons?
And where are we on cap and trade? PETER KING DEMANDS YOU MOVE SWIFTLY. ASK THE CAPITAL GRILLE IF HE’S FUCKING AROUND.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, FJM style, fun with peter king, taylor swift, won't someone please think of the learners?
![[badge]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/themes/default/images/100121_FOXmsnBadge_200x50.gif)
November 9th, 2009 at 11:20 am
TJ
Chiefs cut Larry Johnson. Guess Todd “Tennis Elbow” Haley gets the last laugh.
/TJ
November 9th, 2009 at 11:23 am
Why do you pick on Peter so much. He’s a nice guy. Are you jealous of his success?
November 9th, 2009 at 11:28 am
Peter King sucks multiple dicks. His writing is atrocious and he thinks he’s more important to the game than he really is. Pretensious prick!
November 9th, 2009 at 11:31 am
I’m pretty sure that even after the improvement to a lofty 2-6, most Titans fans would be at best indifferent to a Jeff Fisher firing.
November 9th, 2009 at 11:35 am
why would someone who has Matt Forte as a back and hands it off 4 times a game be in trouble?
/Fuck lovie smith
November 9th, 2009 at 11:36 am
@Bad Street: If by “jealous” you mean, “enraged that somebody is paid so damn well to turn in a ridiculous column in which plenty is written but not a whole lot is said,” then yeah, we’re all jealous.
King writes these stream of thought columns that make little sense, provide next to no insight into the game, focus on his life a little too much, and is afraid to offer any opinions and back them up with facts and information because he’s afraid he’ll alienate people if he doesn’t do the whole, “they might be good, possibly, maybe, who knows?” routine.
Yeah, I’d say we’re all “jealous.”
November 9th, 2009 at 11:38 am
@ bad street,
c’mon, if someone gave me King’s salary and perks to write a lame-ass column, I’d gladly accept a weekly FJM-style beatdown from Drew.
November 9th, 2009 at 11:42 am
How many more Kit Kats have to die a slow melty death before the FAA has the guts to…
November 9th, 2009 at 11:43 am
Listen to Rilo Kiley. You’ll thank me.
A million hipsters died reading that.
A million dead hipsters?! And I’m supposed to dislike this guy?
November 9th, 2009 at 11:43 am
Nice that Peter King starts listening to Rilo Kiley a full two years after everyone else stopped.
November 9th, 2009 at 11:45 am
And where are we on cap and trade? PETER KING DEMANDS YOU MOVE SWIFTLY. ASK THE CAPITAL GRILLE IF HE’S FUCKING AROUND.
Notice how King never hit us with a tale of triumph at Sibling Rivalry? I’d like to think the restaurant got a bunch of emails from KSK fans and decided King was a fat fuck dipshit who didn’t deserve anything for his idiotic gripes
November 9th, 2009 at 11:50 am
@pipkin42:
True, but being two years ahead of Peter King is nothing to be proud of. The shame, in fact, overwhelms me. I feel an overwhelming urger for Toone P. Wiggin’s.
I feel that looking at some pictures of Jenny Lewis will help cleanse the taint of these thoughts from my mind:
http://userserve-ak.last.fm/serve/500/5577334/Jenny+Lewis+lewisj13.jpg
http://pointlessbanter.net/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/jenny-lewis.jpg
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_oK1XWKKaVo8/SN6YsgHbXzI/AAAAAAAABjI/Dy-4f0BBFys/s400/JennyLewis01.jpg
http://www.delawareonline.com/blogs/uploaded_images/80877406-723090.jpg
/semi-sexy Monday’d?
November 9th, 2009 at 11:51 am
That “Falcons will be playing in January” fuck-up is just astonishing. Even knowing PK’s a completel idiot, how do neither he nor his editors even seem to have any fucking clue when the NFL regular season ends?
November 9th, 2009 at 11:52 am
Because really, this is what America needs to get its problems fixed: Peter King, on the steps of the Capitol Building, demanding real change for real Americans and fictitious Americans and faux Americans (of French descent obviously) and all those Americans that believe that America is America and that only America is America. A land of milk, honey and venti triple hazelnut lattes….
…with an apple crumb coffee cake on the side for all!
November 9th, 2009 at 11:52 am
“A million hipsters died reading that.”
you assume a million hipsters read PK. or you.
BOOSH.
November 9th, 2009 at 11:52 am
Sorry about putting an “r” on “urge.” I apparently have stopped proofreading or editing my writing.
…
MY GOD! I’M BECOMING PETER KING!!!
November 9th, 2009 at 11:53 am
upon further review, my attempt at a burn sucked.
November 9th, 2009 at 11:54 am
there was an incident
Or as I call it, self-gratification.
November 9th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
Breleigh. Really Brett? What a stupid fucking name.
November 9th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
When will we stop senselessly giving weapons to the men and women of our armed forces? STOP THE MADNESS I SAY!
November 9th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
cmon guys King isn’t that bad. He’s actually pretty good, though a good portion of the time he sucks. His columns are insightful, though they do tend to be about nothing. Plus he’s a size 14, so you know he’s strapped downstairs.
November 9th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
He’s awful, but perhaps the worst example of his incompetence was the fact that he still tries to throw Michael Vick into the game every now and then. Stop it. Vick eats a can of ass. Stop that right now.
Yes, Vick is pretty awful right now. But how many times will Reid run him into the line before he realizes that hmmm, maybe I should fake the run and actually pass it. No one will be expecting that one. Or the fact that Vick used to be best at scrambling AFTER the pass play broke down and the defense wasn’t EXPECTING the run. This is why the Eagles can’t get out of their own way – because they have a blubber-brained walrus as a coach and a worm burning QB.
Go Cowboys…
November 9th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
“On Saturday, I shared a dressing room with Taylor Swift at NBC. It’s not what you think.”
That’s a shame, too. A little pepper spray might actually do his face some good. As it stands he looks like Chief Wiggum turned into a Frankenstein monster.
November 9th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
Rilo Kiley hasn’t put out an album in 2 years and you’re just now telling us to listen to them? My hatred for continues to grow, Peter King.
November 9th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
But how many times will Reid run him into the line before he realizes that hmmm, maybe I should fake the run and actually pass it.
Considering that Michael Vick cannot actually pass, that might be a bad idea. Which makes it all the more surprising that Reid hasn’t tried it.
November 9th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
Flippered Sea Monster? That….is….awesome.
BTW – Thank you for bringing up Andy Reid and that fucking field goal…I lost my fantasy matchup because of that god damn thing. Let me understand this; you need to score a TD and there’s 3 minutes left in the game. So, you kick a 52 yard field goal…and….STILL NEED TO SCORE A FUCKING TOUCHDOWN. It looks good on him that Jerry’s boy Marion ran the clock out.
What an ASSHOLE. I seriously hate Andy Reid. I mean, it’s annoying enough to watching him call playaction passes when they’ve already thrown the ball 53 times against 4 running plays. I mean, yeah, you’re really catching the D off guard there…I’d be worried about the run too…you fat fuck. I’m surprised he didn’t call a flea flicker there too…he’s good for that once a game.
I am wondering if someone offered him a Hoagie to shave points…kinda like the ones Cliff Huxtable used to eat on the Cosby Show.
- “Hey Andy, forget covering the spread…if you let Dallas win outright, we’ll give you two of these delicious hoagies…complete with 4 meats: pulled pork, Montreal smoked, steak tails and deep fried turkey.
- Reid: “Fuck and yeah.”
November 9th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
Arizona quarterback Matt Leinart has a foundation, as many players do.
…strives to instill honesty and responsibility in young people through outdoor learning experiences that include an outdoor leadership camp. He’s opened his Outdoor Leadership Camp on several hundred acres in Arizona, and he’s trying to raise money to bring at-risk and underprivileged teens from small towns to the camp.
He calls his foundation: Bang Bus.
November 9th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
“America needs to do something about idiots with handguns. How many more Fort Hoods and Orlandos do there have to be before our political leaders have the guts to severely restrict access to murderous weapons?”
What is our country coming to when these crazy so-called “military officers” can get their hands on firearms? I mean how many people has our military killed without facing justice for their crimes?
November 9th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
America needs to do something about idiots with handguns. How many more Fort Hoods and Orlandos do there have to be before our political leaders have the guts to severely restrict access to murderous weapons?
No more weapons on military bases! None!
November 9th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
Watched PK on NBC last for first time in a long time. I now know that Ochocinco shows up as Chad Johnson on his caller id. What? You don’t Chad Ochocinco on speed dial on your phone?
November 9th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
> I shared a dressing room with Taylor Swift at NBC. It’s not what you think
So, the means that PK was in scuba gear in the tank of her outhouse toilet?
/ Technique could also be used to examine Farve’s groin up close & personal.
November 9th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
“g. The Falcons will be a tough out in January. And yes, they’ll be playing football in January.
As will the rest of the league, because the last games of the regular season will be played on January 3rd.”
Hilarious. This is the sort of football analysis and reporting that gets one into print, onto tv, and into text conversations with prima donna quarterbacks? Bold predictions. Lofty predictions. Fully accurate and already confirmed predictions. I have a few:
–Bet all you can on the Globetrotters. I have a feeling about their chances.
–You’re going to see the Cubs still playing in September. Put that one in the bank.
–Tom Cable’s going to have a first round knockout of his next girlfriend. You heard it here first.
–Peter King’s column is going to suck ass next week. And the week after that. And after that. In fact, just keep that one posted on your wall.
November 9th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
Normans and me.
November 9th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
At the end there…so Big Pete doesn’t even want the military to have handguns? Good luck with all that…
November 9th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
Brad Childress’ coaching mentor? Andrew Walter Reid.
Wanna know where Childress learned his incompetence? At the gunt of the master.
November 9th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
“This is a nice restaurant. NOT!”
And with that, my keyboard is covered in Diet Dr. Pepper.
Kudos, sir, kudos.
November 9th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
Really Peter? We need to take handguns away from people in the ARMY?!!!!! That’ll work out well, just give some tasers to the guys in Afghanistan.
November 9th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
“America needs to do something about idiots with handguns. How many more Fort Hoods and Orlandos do there have to be before our political leaders have the guts to severely restrict access to murderous weapons?”
AN ARMY BASE IS NO PLACE FOR A GUN!!!!
November 9th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
So he wants member of our Armed Forces to be, um, not armed? I am used to King’s usual nonsense but this one is Brett Favre of Horrible Peter King Ideas (well, Brett Favre in King’s mind, not the average, old QB of reality).
November 9th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
“How many more Orlandos do there have to be…?”
PK I’m with you, I really hope there are no more Oralandos, that city has enough suck on its own. Plus it would get confusing, ‘is that the Orlando in Florida, or the Orlando in Michigan?’
November 9th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
“And for you who need to know the rule about helmet-touching, the only player who can’t have his helmet touched is the quarterback.”
I think Peter King does alot of Purple helmet-touching after hours, just ask the Land Baron.
November 9th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
“As cool as a cucumber,” tackle Marcus McNeill said of Rivers. “You very rarely see him squint.”
Nice non sequitur. “That guy has an extremely hot temper. You very rarely see him order a meatball sub at the deli.”
November 9th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
The Falcons will be a tough out in January.
DAMN RIGHT WE WILL WE ARE CHAMPIONSHIP CONTENDERS MIKE SMITH DEANGELO HALL FIGHTS GALVANIZE TEAMS HUSTLE SPIRIT MICHAEL TURNER FOOTBALL SPORTS!
November 9th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
Again, look for this timely scoop in NEXT week’s issue of Sports Illustrated. Along with their staff predictions for the 2006 NBA playoffs!
THINGS I THINK I THINK
“Keep an eye on that Lebron James kid. This may be his first playoff appearance, but I have a feeling it won’t be his last.”
November 9th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
what the fuck is up with all the trolls in this thread today?
November 9th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
+1 for “landslappers”
November 9th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
“I haven’t met Aqib Talib. I don’t think I want to.”
PK is from Bah-stan and they don’t like them dahkies!
“I hear they won’t be inclined to fine Ochocinco.”
Seeing as the cash is considered a foreign object under NFL rules, they could fine Ochocinco. Unlike the fine foreign objects that are regularly shoved into King’s anus.
November 9th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
Damn me getting a BoDog account. Watching this Reebok commercial makes me feel better:
http://whowhatwherewheny.wordpress.com/2009/11/05/hot-girls-and-marketing-now-with-100-more-video/
November 9th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
Honestly, I don’t think Peter King has watched a NFL in its entireity since his conception.
November 9th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
I still can’t believe this idiot has a job. And if that weren’t bad enough, he’s getting paid a shitload of money. Peter King is a bastard. A bastard, I tell you.
Also, when did PK become a writer for MSNBC? And does he realize the term “murderous weapon” is redundant?
November 9th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
It was PC morons like King who wanted the military to not have arms on stateside bases. So they banned guns being carried by soldiers who train every day with such weapons. An “incident” is a car accident. Some ISlamic loon enabled by those same PC weenies killing soldiers is murder. Take your fat ass and your whiny pussified Kumbaya-sining heart and stick up said fat ass.
November 9th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
Good point, PK you fuck wit. An Army base is no place for guns.
/know it’s already been said
November 9th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
Guns at an Army base? There’s no reason for that.
November 9th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
@Arctic16 – Breleigh. Really Brett? What a stupid fucking name.
Yeeeaaaah…. I’ve got relatives who named their spawn, Brileigh. Really? REALLY?
I couldn’t agree more, stupid fucking name.
I think I’ll name my first born by “split team jersey taxidermy,” I hear there’s some good ideas out there. http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/jetspanthers.jpg
November 9th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
@ Theodore
Is this the second time you’ve posted that link? Man, you really want us to take a look at that girl’s brick wall of an ass, huh?
Well, I guess she’s attractive, but it’s an attainable sort of attractiveness. I demand only impossible hotness from my advertising!
November 9th, 2009 at 5:19 pm
“MATT LIGHT HAS THE GREATEST FOUNDATION EVAH! NO ONE DENIES THIS!”
/decided this thread needed some Tawmmy
November 9th, 2009 at 5:19 pm
Even the lowly Boston Globe is refuting Peter today… writer points out that if Colts-Pats is scheduled during “sweeps week” NBC would be better off getting the Cowboys and/or Giants, as the Cowboys account for six of the ten highest tv-rated Sunday night football games ever.
http://www.boston.com/sports/football/patriots/extra_points/2009/11/one_war_the_col.html
November 9th, 2009 at 5:29 pm
Oh Peter, you amaze me. “Cowboys..growing up before our eyes” makes me think of widdle boys and their Superman Training pants, actually learning to use the potty. So, the Cowboys use the potty now! Yay!
Hey Peter, after being such an elephant, and stepping on someone’s gown, even if it was just a fellow reporter, I would suggest getting in touch with either the owner or the handler of the gown and letting them now you are such an idiot and they may have to take measures to deal with the fallout. You know, actually clean the item with actual things that might make it look alright?
He is like a dumber version of Bean.
November 9th, 2009 at 6:02 pm
PK is right, you don’t want to miss out on Brian St. Pierre this offseason, otherwise you’ll have to accept the huge downgrade to the likes of Brodie Croyle. Or Drew Stanton. Or Todd Bouman.
November 9th, 2009 at 6:03 pm
Bad Street, USA got a piece of your mail and opened it before throwing it out.
November 9th, 2009 at 6:04 pm
Can we get a picture of Breleigh Favre to see if she truly is “fit to be tied” (only the finest for me)
November 9th, 2009 at 6:44 pm
Breleigh- the sound a mule makes (combination of a donkey’s “bray” and a horse’s “neigh”).
Poor kid.
November 9th, 2009 at 7:06 pm
I had to dress for the Notre Dame halftime pop on NBC. Well, there was an incident.
Was anyone else CERTAIN that he left out an “o” in that first sentence?
November 9th, 2009 at 7:20 pm
peter king is such a piece of shit
November 9th, 2009 at 9:21 pm
Wait.
You’re not allowed to touch a quarterback’s helmet?
How the hell does King manage to suck Favre off then?
November 9th, 2009 at 11:40 pm
Peter King makes my bukkake sense tingle. By the way they don’t generally walk around armed on military bases stateside…except for the MPs. Maybe if you have ever been on a military base you wouldn’t be talking straight out of your ass.
November 10th, 2009 at 12:10 am
ferocious really
November 10th, 2009 at 12:25 am
“Peter King makes my bukkake sense tingle. By the way they don’t generally walk around armed on military bases stateside…except for the MPs. Maybe if you have ever been on a military base you wouldn’t be talking straight out of your ass.”
Almost every military officer that I knew owned a sidearm and, as far as I know/knew, would have very little problem entering base with said sidearm. True, they don’t necessarily walk around with it on their hip, but access and possession is not an issue.
November 10th, 2009 at 1:20 am
Peter Cumstain King is now an anti-handgun advocate eh?
Will his immense douche-hood ever find a ceiling?
BTW- If LAW-ABIDING, DECENT HUMAN BEINGS could carry guns, cunts like those at Hood and Orlando would be gunned down before they hurt so many. Guns aren’t only a right, they’re a responsibility. If you think “banning” them will help, take a look at how well banning pot, cocaine, heroine, meth and sodomy worked out…
November 10th, 2009 at 1:21 am
Go damn Peter cocksucking King and his stupid, fat fucking mouth anyway.
November 10th, 2009 at 1:23 am
*Goddamn. Goddamn him. Goddamn Peter shitsucker King. Goddamn him to hell.
November 10th, 2009 at 2:21 am
Jeff Garlin is incredibly overrated, so he fits perfectly in a Peter King column.
November 10th, 2009 at 9:57 am
“How many more Fort Hoods and Orlandos do there have to be before our political leaders have the guts to severely restrict access to murderous weapons?’
Hey Peter, why didn’t you pre-emptively stop that Al Qaeda fucker, you portly genius. Friggin limolibs with all the answers, and gated communities.
November 10th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
I loved how Peter King channelled his inner-homer Simpson for this article.
Randy Moss’ stiff arm, you were awesome. Do you know Barry Sanders’ juke?
November 10th, 2009 at 9:39 pm
“BTW- If LAW-ABIDING, DECENT HUMAN BEINGS could carry guns, cunts like those at Hood and Orlando would be gunned down before they hurt so many. Guns aren’t only a right, they’re a responsibility. If you think “banning” them will help, take a look at how well banning pot, cocaine, heroine, meth and sodomy worked out…”
Law-abiding human beings in Texas AND Florida can carry guns. It is a very simple process and takes little time or money.
November 10th, 2009 at 11:47 pm
Brett Favre’s groin calls Peter King all the time. He’s got the voicemails to prove it.
November 12th, 2009 at 8:32 am
How nice that PK honors the memory of our servicemen, cut down by an Islamic extremist in a terror attack, by plugging his pet liberal anti-gun stance.
How about honoring them by calling for severe restrictions on Islamic extremists?