When we last left noted football learner Peter King, he was eagerly discussing the constant, bulbous throbbing of Brett Favre’s groin. Could that groin injury do Favre in, right in the middle of such a great season? I don’t know. If you touch Favre’s throbbing groin, does a magic baby pop out and grant you wishes? I don’t know. Does the groin smell like rosemary, and lavender, and does its sweat give you healing powers? MAYBE.

Anyway… time for this week’s batch of esoteric, gum poppin’ fun with Peter King. I HOPE YOU FOOTBALL LEARNERS OUT THERE ARE READY FOR SOME SEMI-LEBRONESQUE LEARNING LESSONS.

Much of the past week I’ve spent researching and writing a Peyton Manning story for Sports Illustrated’s NFL midseason report, which you’ll see this week.

I can’t wait. Join Peter for this and other fabulous Sports Illustrated print stories from THIS week, including…

-The Yankees Are About To Return To The World Series!
-Surprise! The 49ers are the 3-1 darlings of the NFL
-Jacorybook ending: The Hurricanes quest for a perfect season
-Your Beijing Summer Olympics preview!

I tell you, it’s the most up-to-date sports media outlet in the world.

I’ll get to the games of the day and issues of the week in a few paragraphs — particularly the Cowboys growing up before our eyes last night in Philly.

Flowering, one might say.

I officially declare Patriots-Colts Hype Week kicked off.

Join the Normans and I as we celebrate the occasion! There’ll be food, cocktails, and a special raffle!

“Peyton Manning and Bill Belichick are twins from another lifetime,” (Qadry) Ismail said.

It’s an interesting comparison.

It’s true. AND both men have appearances that would suggest they were breastfed by wolves as infants. COINCIDENCE?

Manning’s usually a great storyteller, but he zipped it pretty tight last week, amiably declining my request for a one-on-one.

But a two-on-one he was down with. Austin Collie deserves a little taste.

We spent five minutes after his weekly media scrum at his locker Wednesday, and these were the only things I learned: He wears a Timex digital watch with a Gatorade logo that’s set 11 minutes ahead of real time.

Fascinating. Also, Manning will only use a toaster oven if it’s facing due north. He keeps a single persimmon in his jacket pocket at all times to ward off alien ghosts. And he races ants.

I actually didn’t mind Manning not talking.

I got to spend 50 minutes telling him about this German fellow I met!

He’s so good and vivid and descriptive that you can become entranced by his words and stories.

And then you snap out of it 70 minutes later with a yoyo stuck in your rectum and Vaseline smeared all over your crew neck. Such is the power of his vivid talkscapes.

I think I’ve gotten beneath the surface of the closed city of Manning a bit

It’s a small city. A mysterious city, nestled inside a dynastic womb. In the city of Manning, all buildings are triangular, and police are armed only with bags of very stale croutons.

…but I’ll let you be the judge of that. Hope you like the story a tenth as much as you like Colts-Pats on Sunday.

HOW CAN YOU PEOPLE BE BROADCASTING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN THERE’S AN INTERVIEW WITH PEYTON MANNING GOING ON! WHAT THE FUCK?!

Daughter Breleigh was fit to be tied when Favre told her in late July he was staying retired, and, truth be told, Favre was in full waffling mode for much of August until Minnesota coach Brad Childress called and said it’s now or never.

Again, look for this timely scoop in NEXT week’s issue of Sports Illustrated. Along with their staff predictions for the 2006 NBA playoffs!

That was a potentially (and I stress “potentially”) season-altering win for Dallas last night.

Are they going to go undefeated the rest of the way? Maybe. Will they collapse, like they also do? Maybe. ARE THEY SMILING MORE? Definitely.

Upon further review, the unrestricted free-agency list is not so bad.

I wrote a few weeks ago that the UFA class of 2010 would be horrible, because it wouldn’t include unsigned fourth- and fifth-year vets if the league and union don’t have a new CBA done by March. But because of the rise of players like Aubrayo Franklin and the promise of interesting prospects like Brian St. Pierre…

Wait, what? Brian St. Pierre? He’s rising? The six-year journeyman? The guy who has thrown exactly one pass in his entire NFL career, which was thrown five years ago? He’s a rising star?

12. Brian St. Pierre, QB, Arizona. Someone might see him as 2010′s Matt Cassel and go buy him for a fifth of the cost.

But Matt Cassel PLAYED before he became a free agent. Remember? He played, and the Pats went 11-5, and it made sense to consider him as an intriguing prospect. Brian St. Pierre is the third string QB in Arizona. He’s in charge of turning off the sprinklers. Why the fuck would you pay that asshole a dime? Who sees him as 2010’s Matt Cassel? Cleveland? Do you even realize Matt Cassel BLOWS now?

I think I know what’s going on here. I think Brian St. Pierre married into the Bowers family. I KNOW IT IN MY GUT.

Indianapolis (8-0). Dates of the last five Pats-Colts games as the November sweeps continue to dictate the scheduling of this big game: Nov. 7, 2005; Nov. 5, 2006; Nov. 4, 2007; Nov. 2, 2008; Nov. 15, 2009.

My God, it’s like some sort of Jewish holiday

Minnesota (7-1). Good week for a bye, and for rest for Brett Favre’s groin.

Yes, you rest, dear groin. Take it easy. Can I give you a neck massage, groin? Can I dry hump you until the friction singes the hair off?

New England (6-2). Randy Moss, that was one of the best straight-arms in the history of straight-arming. And for you who need to know the rule about helmet-touching, the only player who can’t have his helmet touched is the quarterback.

Or a receiver, if you lead with your head, shoulder, or forearm. You know, for those of you who don’t know the rules.

You won’t be surprised to learn that Vincent Jackson is one of the two wide receivers on my SI midseason All-Pro team, at a newsstand or mailbox near you Wednesday.

But you will be surprised by his All-Pro QB. It’s Derek Jeter!

“I think a dark horse is Buffalo. They talked originally. There was some communication there. I think that could be a good spot.”

-Tony Dungy of NBC’s Football Night in America, asked about possible 2010 landing spots for a player he is advising, Michael Vick.

Oooh! I also here that Fergie will be joining them.

By the way, a small rant on behalf of Eagles fans for a moment. Now, Andy Reid was horrible last night in so many different ways. He fucked up his challenges. He wasted timeouts. He called running plays on 3rd and long. And he kicked the world’s most meaningless field goal. He’s awful, but perhaps the worst example of his incompetence was the fact that he still tries to throw Michael Vick into the game every now and then. Stop it. Vick eats a can of ass. Stop that right now.

It’ll be interesting to see if the groin injury that Favre suffered 12 days ago and aggravated eight days ago is going to be a recurring factor as the 40-year-old QB tries to make it through the final eight weeks of the regular season.

I’ll be watching that groin. Studying it. Tracing its every curve in my mind.

Enjoyable/Aggravating Travel Note of the Week

Boarding a flight from Denver to Phoenix last Tuesday, I was in the aisle walking toward the back of the plane. The aisle was full. The plane was going to be full, and it was probably half-boarded.

AND THERE WAS THIS MAN WHO BROUGHT BOTH A ROLLERBOARD AND A COAT ON BOARD! WHAT A FUCKING PIG. HEY PIGMAN, WHY DON’T YOU CHECK YOUR SUITCASE FOR $50 AND ALLOW THE ELITE FLYERS TO TAKE THEIR RIGHTFUL SEATS? I HAVE A KIT KAT TO OPEN.

“Ladies and gentlemen, we are ready for immediate departure,” the flight attendant said, with a bit of urgency. This was a 6 a.m. flight, and now it was about 5:40. “Please take your seats as soon as possible so we can depart.”

About three minutes late, I got to my seat, was putting away my carryon, and the aisle was still full, with a line of maybe 30 people still making if to their seats.

“Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats so we can be ready for an on-time departure,” she said, more urgently now.

How should we get there, ma’am? By levitating?

Or by moving briskly into your seats?

It wasn’t even 5:45 now. We weren’t leaving the gate, minimum, for 15 minutes. And this women was talking like there was a fire onboard and we had to scram or we’d all be cooked. And it wasn’t even 6 in the morning, no less. Now that’s a good time in the friendly skies right there.

Wait a second. Are you telling me planes board slowly, and this can be aggravating to some? GET THE FUCK OUT. And did you know Metallica is loud? It’s true!

An Expensive Lunch, But A Few Of You Might Be Interested

Welcome to Peter King Platinum!

New England left tackle Matt Light has a foundation, as many players do.

If it’s not called the Light Bringers, I’ll be pissed.

The Light Foundation…

CRIMINY!

…strives to instill honesty and responsibility in young people through outdoor learning experiences that include an outdoor leadership camp and a character-development football camp. He’s opened his Outdoor Leadership Camp on several hundred acres in Ohio, and he’s trying to raise money to bring at-risk and underprivileged teens from New England, Ohio and the West to the camp. I told him I’d help if I could.

With my help, these children could end up leading the league in normalcy.

What we’re going to do is have lunch at Davio’s in Foxboro…

And Hoge and Schlereth better not bogart my freebie!

just outside Gillette Stadium, on Friday, Dec. 11. We’re going to open it to the first 10 people willing to donate $1,000 to the Light Foundation. If you’re interested, contact Light’s representative, Margrette Mondillo, by email at margrette@goodwinpr.com. We’ll hang out that Friday for a couple of hours. Light will tell you every one of the deep, dark Patriot secrets.

“We hang babies.”

I won’t tell you much, but I’ll be there for comic relief.

“This is a nice restaurant. NOT!”

Give all you can. With your $1,000 donation, these kids may be able to go to football camp for three days and maybe recover from a stroke in the process.

I haven’t met Aqib Talib. I don’t think I want to.

He’s so dark!

I never thought Lovie Smith was in any real trouble until yesterday.

Really? Ever see Lovie coach a game? He makes Andy Reid look organized.

I told you to take more chances downfield, Matthew Stafford, which you should do — but not as recklessly as you did yesterday in Seattle.

Yes, that advice doesn’t contradict itself at all! Here’s what Peter initially said: “Throw it downfield, Matthew Stafford. Bombs away, Calvin Johnson or not.” BUT ONLY IF YOU’RE TOTALLY SURE THE GUY IS OPEN! Then you should take a risk, even though it wouldn’t be risky to make such a throw in that instance.

I think Philip Rivers was as impressive as any player in the league Sunday, just by the way he competed. “As cool as a cucumber,” tackle Marcus McNeill said of Rivers. “You very rarely see him squint.”

“Except when he’s making fun of ‘the nips,’ as he calls them. He kind of a dick.”

Still want to fire Jeff Fisher, Titans fans?

Probably. Didn’t that asshole want to keep playing Kerry Collins?

John Fox is going nowhere. Just a gut feeling, but as his team comes back to normal, that’s how I see it.

And when they finally sign Brian St. Pierre, they’ll be back on their way to the top.

e. Arizona’s dangerous.

This just in: The Cardinals can win games!

g. The Falcons will be a tough out in January. And yes, they’ll be playing football in January.

As will the rest of the league, because the last games of the regular season will be played on January 3rd.

What I find so odd about the Falcons is that we’re nine weeks into the season and they’ve only played EIGHT games. Isn’t that weird? They’re like sleeping tigers!

e. The 49ers are better that 3-5. Miami’s better than 3-5. But you get what you deserve. Both have to get better quarterback play to have a chance.

The 49ers are better that 3-5. Miami’s better than 3-5. But they’ve played like shit. And they have shitty QB’s. But they’re both clearly 6-2 squads.

I think the league won’t do anything about Chad Ochocinco’s little money gag, where he took out a dollar bill and waved it at an official during a disputed call. “You know, like, here’s a dollar, change the call,” the Ocho told me. “Just kidding. Just having fun.” Wasn’t sure the league would see it that way, and though I think league officials will look at the replay in New York today, I hear they won’t be inclined to fine Ochocinco. Harmless fun. Well, I didn’t think it was fun, but I’m old and boring.

Now join me for a HILARIOUS lunch with Matt Light!

On Saturday, I shared a dressing room with Taylor Swift at NBC. It’s not what you think.

You mean you weren’t watching Family Guy together?

All her stuff was in the dressing room for the show that night, but she wasn’t there, and I had to dress for the Notre Dame halftime pop on NBC. Well, there was an incident.

Needless to say, I had just visited my proctologist, and…

I stepped on Taylor Swift’s red gown.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Not on purpose, but there it was, the bottom of it on the ground, and I was trying to walk around it…

PETER I’M HAPPY FOR YOU AND I’MMA LET YOU FINISH BUT KANYE WEST HAD THE BEST “FUCKING WITH TAYLOR SWIFT’S LIFE” INCIDENT OF ALL TIME.

…to get my jacket, and I stepped on it, and there it was, a footprint on the bottom of the red material. I quickly wiped off the footprint off. Most of it, anyway. You guys didn’t see a size-14 sneaker mark on the bottom of her red gown Saturday night, did you?

Size 14 feet? My God, Peter King is some kind of flippered sea monster.

Don’t worry about it, Peter. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Or the big stuff. Or the medium-sized, hard to place into a distinct genre stuff.

Jeff Garlin, I know you read this column.

Jeff Garlin is a bastard. A bastard, I tell you.

You’re looking good. You’ve dropped some weight, and you’re sharp.

Is your groin throbbing? Because mine is.

But I don’t write to praise your physique or acting ability. I write to urge you, please: More Funkhauser. We out in “Curb Your Enthusiasm” land cannot get enough of the gravelly voiced weirdo who has three good lines in every scene.

Jeff Garlin won’t do it for you, Peter. He’s a bastard. A total bastard.

Coffeenerdness: Three triple lattes Sunday. Sooner or later, the lack of sleep is going to catch up with me.

I might even end up stomping on some poor chanteuse’s with my freakishly large landslappers.

Listen to Rilo Kiley. You’ll thank me.

A million hipsters died reading that.

My heart goes out to the victims of the Fort Hood and Orlando shootings and their loved ones. Senseless, senseless incidents. I will not go quietly into the night on this one.

Indeed I won’t. I WILL BURY IT IN A SMALL, BULLETED ITEM ON THE SIXTH PAGE OF AN ONLINE FOOTBALL COLUMN. THAT IS HOW MUCH I CARE.

America needs to do something about idiots with handguns. How many more Fort Hoods and Orlandos do there have to be before our political leaders have the guts to severely restrict access to murderous weapons?

And where are we on cap and trade? PETER KING DEMANDS YOU MOVE SWIFTLY. ASK THE CAPITAL GRILLE IF HE’S FUCKING AROUND.