The Ravens announced earlier this week that they’ll be passing out tens of thousands of rally towels at M&T Bank Stadium prior to Sunday night’s blood feud with the Steelers. Being that they’re made by Under Armour, you know they’ll have that special illegal immigrant craftsmanship.

This tactic is far from new; teams do this all the time when the Steelers visit for nationally televised games. Can’t let those TV cameras pick up a home crowd flecked with twirly yellow spots! The Broncos tried to shake up the tradition a few weeks back with orange pom-poms, which was, uh, an interesting approach. Anyway, it’s just particularly hilarious to see it from the Ravens, whose fans, despite failing to grasp the crushing irony of doing so while dressed in white trash fabulous purple camo pants, rant unremittingly about how stupid Terrible Towels are. And it’s true – towels as sports fan accessories are dumb. I freely admit that. BUT NOW YOU TWIRL THEM TOO! Welcome to the club, you unoriginal Old Bay bumf*cks.

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Such imprecations! When a simple “monkeyfighting” will do. Ryan Clark should get to punch this guy!

Pottymouth must be yet another nasty symptom of the SuperAIDS. The slipped-in swearing is appreciated though, as this might be the high point of what has thus far been three dreadful games.

It’s Thanksgiving, which means that, once again, it’s time to post my favorite sports highlight of all time: the 1994 Plano East-John Tyler high school football game. Plano East trailed in this game 41-13 with just under three minutes to go. After that, YEEEEEEHAWWWWWWWW IT GOT FUKKING CRAZY!

Some fun facts about this game:

-Dick Jauron would have kicked away

-Eric Mangini would have faked the onside kicks

-Belichick would have started onside kicking in the first quarter

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody.

By now we’ve all digested and forgotten last week’s Cleveland-Detroit game, a matchup between two terrible 1-8 teams from depressing, cold cities. And while I won’t defend the quality of play in the game, I feel like we should all stop for a second and realize that it’s highly unlikely that another game this year will be as entertaining. Go ahead, take some time out of your day to watch all the highlights. You’ll see:

• A three-touchdown lead that lasts all of ten minutes.
• A running back with 100 receiving yards – in the first half.
• A fake field goal to set up a field goal on the next play.
• Safety!
• Two-point conversion!
• Hail Mary!
• Final play with the clock reading 0:00.

And those are just some of the more unusual things that helped this game stand out as the most exciting on a day that featured three overtime games. Dude, Brady Quinn threw for 300 yards, 4 touchdowns, and no interceptions. BRADY QUINN! And sure, it was against the Lions, but he wasn’t even close to terrible.

But the Meast this week is Lions rookie Matt Stafford. (Take it from me, buddy: the gays claimed “Matthew.” Stick with “Matt.”) Stafford threw for 422 yards and five touchdowns, and though his two picks and intentional grounding in the end zone weren’t very Measty, his play in the final minute certainly was.

After twice evading a game-ending sack, Stafford got crushed by two Browns linemen as he threw a Hail Mary into the end zone. He left the game nursing his bad left shoulder, and Daunte Culpepper entered the game with the ball on the 1 and the game on the line following Hank Poteat’s pass-interference penalty. However, the Browns called timeout, which gave Stafford enough time to reenter the game. After he threw the game-winning TD, he left the field wincing, unable to raise his arms in celebration.

It was the sort of thing we would admire about Brett Favre if we didn’t want that whore to die.

As for the Least of the Week…

Browns cornerback Hank Poteat, who was busy shoving Lions WR Bryant Johnson out of bounds while the ball was in the air on what would have been the game’s final play of a Browns victory. Ordinarily, playing for the Browns is shameful enough to prevent us from heaping additional scorn on a player, but Poteat was hurt by no one else really stepping up and costing their team the game with remarkably terrible play this week. *Sigh* Where have you gone, Jake Delhomme?

Scheduling Advisory: NO MAILBAG THIS WEEK. We apologize for the inconvenience. Consider it our bye week. In the meantime, please look to Savage Love and Roto Arcade for your sex and fantasy football advice needs. Enjoy your Thanksgiving and this NSFW Pirelli calendar with naked supermodels, and don’t forget to set your lineup tonight.

Timmy: Pass the cranberries, ma.

Ma: Here you are, son.

Timmy: (drops bowl) Oops!

Ma: Oh, heavens. You dropped that cranberry sauce right on the carpet!

Timmy: It’s not my fault! Bobby was distracting me!

Bobby: Was not!

Timmy: Was too!

Bobby: Was not!

Timmy: Was too!

Bobby: Was not!

Pa: Now quiet, the both of you two. This is supposed to be a NICE Thanksgiving.

Bobby: Eh, screw that.

Pa: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME!

Ma: Stop! Frank, don’t hit him! Pleeease! WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN EVERY YEAR?

(knock on the door)

Ma: Who’s that?

(door flies open)

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“A padlock attached to a belt? Damn, and here I am using a Moët bottle like a chump.” –Antonio Cromartie

 
Authorities say NFL trash talk led to the murder of a Florida prison inmate. Willie Smith reportedly taunted fellow inmate Vincent Lee, repeatedly shouting “Dolphins suck!” The next morning, Lee exacted his revenge:

Lee entered Smith’s cell with a padlock attached to a black belt and hit Smith in the head. Lee had a one-and-a-half foot shiv in his waistband, though it’s not clear if he used the weapon. Lee was able to clean up much of the blood and flushed a sheet down a toilet before being detained by guards. Smith died eight days later.

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PEYTON MANNING: Hey Reggie, look at this.

REGGIE WAYNE: Look at what?

PEYTON MANNING: This. Right here.

REGGIE WAYNE: Right where, man? I don’t see anything.

PEYTON MANNING: This. Right here. Right where my finger is on the page here.

REGGIE WAYNE: I’m lookin’ right at it, man! I don’t see anything!

PEYTON MANNING: Here! Right here! See my finger moving! Look! Right! Here!

REGGIE WAYNE: I see your goddamn finger, bitch! I don’t see nuthin! That’s a blank piece of paper!

PEYTON MANNING: LOOK RIGHT HERE YOU FUCKIN’…Oh wait, that is blank.

[flips page over] Read the rest of this entry »

Now that House is off of Vicodin he’s finally lucid enough to notice that Foreman looks quite a bit like Steelers coach Mike Tomlin. Brett Favre nods knowingly. [With Leather]