Bill Simmons is a nasally little homosexual. This much is well known. But did you know that he’s not just queer, but he’s queer specifically for black guys?

I’ll bet he and Kari Crichton have an open relationship with a lot of interracial cuckoldry going on. Do either of his kids look mixed?

Simmons blows and no one denies this. But holy shit, take your meds man. You sound like a real vag cramp. And can some of you do a little self editing? No one’s reading the comments for the next great american novel about why some twink totally hates some sports writer that nobody really cares about.

/fuck Simmons and tard commentators

Consistency? What consistency?”

This gets me every time. Particularly with the NBA. He flip-flops on almost every position he makes pre-season during the course of the season, yet people think “he knows the NBA” because he basically tells them that he knows the NBA. That’s why he’d be a failure at his dream job of NBA GM. You can’t change your mind in the middle of the season and start talking about how Adam Morrison wasn’t destined to be a future nba legend when you already picked him. Actually making decisions doesn’t allow you to cover your tracks.

Simmons: So you weren’t a fan of the Sonics. What about Rocky?

After drinking 50 beers, smoking 20 bowls and TOTALLY fucking like 200 chicks, brah.

i feel like jumping ship, deserting my boston sports affiliations and taking up rooting for other teams who, win or lose, at least do so with dignity. i love my teams, but can hardly take the douchebaggery that perpetually orbits them. i am constantly on guard, warding off the unfathomably arrogant comments of either my friends who root for these teams, or the anonymous voices on the internet.

thing is, i LOVED the belichick call. as a lifelong pats fan who remembers fondly the 80′s and 90′s (hey, i’m only 26), the level of failure associated with it reminded me of what it is to be an actual patriots fan: misery meets loyalty meets devastation meets can’t-wait-for-next-week. losing that game, i felt like i was back rooting for bledsoe and pete carroll and everyone before them. i felt like i was home.

as much as it hurts to see one’s team lose so spectacularly, is it wrong to root for it to continue to happen, so bandwagoners will leave, so things will go back to normal? you may think me an asshole for not appreciating a winning decade… but you read that article. what the fuck am i to do?

“According to a formula called ‘Expected Win Probability When Going For It,’ Pattani believed that the Patriots had an 80.5 chance of winning the game. By punting, they had a 79.0 chance of winning. So my argument (made on Monday’s podcast) that Bill Belichick should have ‘played the percentages and punted’ was technically wrong. Barely. Belichick did play the percentages if you took those percentages at face value.”

Then, immediately after the above paragraph, in order to denigrate the whole concept of “playing the percentages,” Simmons analogizes it to the playing of Russian Roulette, when playing Russian Roulette (with its only 83.3 percent chance of survival) is actually a good example of FAILING to play the percentages. As long as the goal is to survive, a person really playing the percentages would never play Russian Roulette — he would choose to not play and to survive, 100% — unless he was being forced to choose between Russian Roulette and, say, jumping off the top of the Empire State Building.

I realize that Simmons, later in the article, questions the accuracy of the percentages themselves, and if he’d made the point that the REAL percentages say you should punt, AND THEREFORE that going for it on 4th and 2 is like playing Russian Roulette (because it is riskier), he would have been fine. But that isn’t what he’s doing here. He’s admitting that the percentages say you should go for it, but then nonetheless saying that going for it is like playing Russian Roulette — and then LATER ON implying that, actually, playing the percentages is okay…as long as they are HIS percentages.