“Officer, Don’t You Know Who I Am?”
11.20.09
Billy “I Own Four TV’s” Simmons had an article detailing the Pats 4th and 2 call from Sunday Night. It contains the usual assortment of Simmons arguments that he deems irrefutable. But forget all that. Look at this:
Seattle loves me for defending its Sonics after Clay Bennett hijacked them and moved them elsewhere. If there was ever a place I could get out of a speeding ticket, it’s Seattle. Or so I thought.
Anyway, I shot out of Seattle like a bat out of hell. We were weaving between lanes and going about 90. Twenty minutes into the drive, still in the outskirts of Seattle, we were arguing about why navigation systems don’t come with different voices — for example, we should be able to have Morgan Freeman be our nav narrator or, even better, Sam Jackson as Jules in “Pulp Fiction” (“I told you to take a motherf—ing right, you dumbass!) — and I stopped paying attention to things like “Is there a cop car behind me?” Which there was. He pulled us over, walked over to my driver’s side and somewhat angrily asked why I was going so fast. I explained that we were trying to get to Portland and apologized for my speed. He asked for my license and registration. Then we had this exchange:
Me (big smile): “Were you a big Sonics fan? Because-”
Him (frowns): “No.”
And he walked away with my license.
Someone buy this cop a fucking steak and a blowjob. It’s one thing to pull the “Do you know who I am?” bullshit with a cop. It’s another to assume that people will find that story charming. Oh, and Simmons also uses his column to brag that he used to watch 12 hours of football every Sunday when he was in elementary school, which is funny because Sunday Night Football didn’t start until 1987, when he was 18 years old. Bill Simmons is a FUCKING IDIOT. YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT I PUT THAT IN ALL CAPS, BECAUSE THAT MAKES MY POINT INARGUABLE.
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I was quite sure herm edwards said “you play to win the game” not “the goal is to win the game”. But that clip is so hard to find I can forgive simmons for the misquote there.
I read that idea for celeb navigation voices in Doonesbury last week. So did Simmons, obviously.
Simmons has a great story about a pig going to the complaint department.
My God, did he use the whole week to write a 5,000 word column to kill a pick everyone else has been killing the whole week? How noble of him to put such detailed and hand-wringing analysis into a Week 10 regular season game that will have no effect on playoff standings. This is one step above writing about a 1-point Fantasy Football win/loss. Are we going to get a baseball column next week about how the Cy Young winners are a symptom of statistics gone mad and how the pitchers didn’t have enough wins?
/prepares himself for the inevitable Simmons apologists
//still plans on reading his column
I read that idea for celeb navigation voices in Doonesbury last week. So did Simmons, obviously.
It’s a known fact that Holy Cross grads can’t do math.
KARATEKIDTEENWOLFNEWYORKTIMES#1
I need a navigation system with the voice from Knight Rider. The real Knight Rider, not the shitty remake that got canceled last year.
Also, I have never read Bill Simmons. I know, I’m woefully ignorant of sports blogging icons. But do all his pop culture references end at about 1997 or so?
Really, Drew, it’s as if he’s fucking daring you for the FJM treatment at this point.
I second what GT11 wrote above.
Also from Simmons’ column:
“There is a larger pattern here. Remember in Game 6 of the 2009 World Series, when the Yanks and their crappy bullpen made it out of the seventh inning unscathed, and everyone in Yankee Stadium started celebrating because they knew they had just won the title? Why did they know this? Two words: Mariano Rivera. They knew he would take them home. They knew it. They were positive. And that’s exactly what he did… In the aforementioned Game 6, I remember watching those Yankees fans celebrating after the seventh and thinking, “There is absolutely nobody in my sports fan life that makes me feel as secure as those Yankee fans feel with Rivera right now.”"
I find it hilarious that after we talked about how Boston fans compare everything in sports to something that happened to the Red Sox, Simmons goes out and compares something he’s missing as a Pats to the Yankees. This is goes beyond even a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Also, I’ll give Simmons credit; his arguments against Belichick going for it on 4th-and-2 were far better than most of the “it was the best decision statistically” bullshit I’ve seen this week.
Dumber than McNamara keeping Buckner in Game 6?
I can’t believe THE Bill Simmons had to suck a cop’s cock to get out of a ticket. He’s just like us!
You know, I like Simmons but his last few posts have been terrible–just terrible. Oh, and who gives a rat’s ass about the NBA except for him?
that whole column just made me want to yell at simmons. he might be entertaining at times (not this time) but he’s horrible at making a point.
“we were arguing about why navigation systems don’t come with different voices” -
They do have these. You download them just like ringtones. My co-worker has the Mr. T voice on his nav and its pretty annoying.
I remember seeing commercials about a year ago that you could get Homer Simpson to be your navigation system’s voice.
“That’s the second dumbest thing I have ever seen any Boston team do.” It trumped Darrell Johnson pitching Jim Burton in Game 7 of the 1975 World Series. It trumped KC Jones playing Fred Roberts over Reggie Lewis for the entire 1988 playoffs. It trumped Raymond Berry starting Tony Eason in Super Bowl XX. It trumped everything except Grady/Pedro in 2003
REDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOX
“Because I occasionally feel sorry for the Sonics moving out of town, I’m over 50% picking NFL spreads this season and the entire nation sympathizes the anguish Boston fans have to live with after last Sundays loss to the Colts, I had a 1 in 3 chance that the Washington State Highway Patrol officer would not give me a ticket, but instead shake my hand and hand over all the money in his wallet. NO ONE DENIES THIS!!!”
I’m guessing Simmons is making it harder and harder for you to put off giving him a weekly FJM-style beatdown like PK? Mondays and Fridays, Drew. You know you want to.