“Officer, Don’t You Know Who I Am?”
Billy “I Own Four TV’s” Simmons had an article detailing the Pats 4th and 2 call from Sunday Night. It contains the usual assortment of Simmons arguments that he deems irrefutable. But forget all that. Look at this:
Seattle loves me for defending its Sonics after Clay Bennett hijacked them and moved them elsewhere. If there was ever a place I could get out of a speeding ticket, it’s Seattle. Or so I thought.
Anyway, I shot out of Seattle like a bat out of hell. We were weaving between lanes and going about 90. Twenty minutes into the drive, still in the outskirts of Seattle, we were arguing about why navigation systems don’t come with different voices — for example, we should be able to have Morgan Freeman be our nav narrator or, even better, Sam Jackson as Jules in “Pulp Fiction” (”I told you to take a motherf—ing right, you dumbass!) — and I stopped paying attention to things like “Is there a cop car behind me?” Which there was. He pulled us over, walked over to my driver’s side and somewhat angrily asked why I was going so fast. I explained that we were trying to get to Portland and apologized for my speed. He asked for my license and registration. Then we had this exchange:
Me (big smile): “Were you a big Sonics fan? Because-”
Him (frowns): “No.”
And he walked away with my license.
Someone buy this cop a fucking steak and a blowjob. It’s one thing to pull the “Do you know who I am?” bullshit with a cop. It’s another to assume that people will find that story charming. Oh, and Simmons also uses his column to brag that he used to watch 12 hours of football every Sunday when he was in elementary school, which is funny because Sunday Night Football didn’t start until 1987, when he was 18 years old. Bill Simmons is a FUCKING IDIOT. YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT I PUT THAT IN ALL CAPS, BECAUSE THAT MAKES MY POINT INARGUABLE.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, bill simmons, jesus
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November 20th, 2009 at 11:38 am
I’m guessing Simmons is making it harder and harder for you to put off giving him a weekly FJM-style beatdown like PK? Mondays and Fridays, Drew. You know you want to.
November 20th, 2009 at 11:41 am
“Because I occasionally feel sorry for the Sonics moving out of town, I’m over 50% picking NFL spreads this season and the entire nation sympathizes the anguish Boston fans have to live with after last Sundays loss to the Colts, I had a 1 in 3 chance that the Washington State Highway Patrol officer would not give me a ticket, but instead shake my hand and hand over all the money in his wallet. NO ONE DENIES THIS!!!”
November 20th, 2009 at 11:46 am
“That’s the second dumbest thing I have ever seen any Boston team do.” It trumped Darrell Johnson pitching Jim Burton in Game 7 of the 1975 World Series. It trumped KC Jones playing Fred Roberts over Reggie Lewis for the entire 1988 playoffs. It trumped Raymond Berry starting Tony Eason in Super Bowl XX. It trumped everything except Grady/Pedro in 2003
REDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOXREDSOX
November 20th, 2009 at 11:48 am
I remember seeing commercials about a year ago that you could get Homer Simpson to be your navigation system’s voice.
November 20th, 2009 at 11:50 am
“we were arguing about why navigation systems don’t come with different voices” -
They do have these. You download them just like ringtones. My co-worker has the Mr. T voice on his nav and its pretty annoying.
November 20th, 2009 at 11:51 am
that whole column just made me want to yell at simmons. he might be entertaining at times (not this time) but he’s horrible at making a point.
November 20th, 2009 at 11:53 am
You know, I like Simmons but his last few posts have been terrible–just terrible. Oh, and who gives a rat’s ass about the NBA except for him?
November 20th, 2009 at 11:54 am
I can’t believe THE Bill Simmons had to suck a cop’s cock to get out of a ticket. He’s just like us!
November 20th, 2009 at 11:54 am
Dumber than McNamara keeping Buckner in Game 6?
November 20th, 2009 at 11:55 am
I second what GT11 wrote above.
Also from Simmons’ column:
“There is a larger pattern here. Remember in Game 6 of the 2009 World Series, when the Yanks and their crappy bullpen made it out of the seventh inning unscathed, and everyone in Yankee Stadium started celebrating because they knew they had just won the title? Why did they know this? Two words: Mariano Rivera. They knew he would take them home. They knew it. They were positive. And that’s exactly what he did… In the aforementioned Game 6, I remember watching those Yankees fans celebrating after the seventh and thinking, “There is absolutely nobody in my sports fan life that makes me feel as secure as those Yankee fans feel with Rivera right now.”"
I find it hilarious that after we talked about how Boston fans compare everything in sports to something that happened to the Red Sox, Simmons goes out and compares something he’s missing as a Pats to the Yankees. This is goes beyond even a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Also, I’ll give Simmons credit; his arguments against Belichick going for it on 4th-and-2 were far better than most of the “it was the best decision statistically” bullshit I’ve seen this week.
November 20th, 2009 at 11:55 am
Really, Drew, it’s as if he’s fucking daring you for the FJM treatment at this point.
November 20th, 2009 at 11:57 am
I need a navigation system with the voice from Knight Rider. The real Knight Rider, not the shitty remake that got canceled last year.
Also, I have never read Bill Simmons. I know, I’m woefully ignorant of sports blogging icons. But do all his pop culture references end at about 1997 or so?
November 20th, 2009 at 11:58 am
KARATEKIDTEENWOLFNEWYORKTIMES#1
November 20th, 2009 at 11:58 am
It’s a known fact that Holy Cross grads can’t do math.
November 20th, 2009 at 11:59 am
I read that idea for celeb navigation voices in Doonesbury last week. So did Simmons, obviously.
November 20th, 2009 at 11:59 am
/prepares himself for the inevitable Simmons apologists
//still plans on reading his column
November 20th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
My God, did he use the whole week to write a 5,000 word column to kill a pick everyone else has been killing the whole week? How noble of him to put such detailed and hand-wringing analysis into a Week 10 regular season game that will have no effect on playoff standings. This is one step above writing about a 1-point Fantasy Football win/loss. Are we going to get a baseball column next week about how the Cy Young winners are a symptom of statistics gone mad and how the pitchers didn’t have enough wins?
November 20th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
I read that idea for celeb navigation voices in Doonesbury last week. So did Simmons, obviously.
Simmons has a great story about a pig going to the complaint department.
November 20th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
I was quite sure herm edwards said “you play to win the game” not “the goal is to win the game”. But that clip is so hard to find I can forgive simmons for the misquote there.
November 20th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
@cusekid no hes never funny or entertaining.
that said, it does seem the last two months he has become insufferable. awful. terrible.
November 20th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
I’ve heard you can also get John Cleese as your nav voice. Of course, once Simmons finds out about these he’ll take credit. “Someone read my column and used my brilliant idea! NO ONE DENIES THIS!”
November 20th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
Simmons thought of this website years ago. http://www.navtones.com/ And you’ll be pleased with the next release BBM.
November 20th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
@ Bubby Brister’s Mop:
Before you go bashing the new Knight Rider, realize that you could probably get the voice of the new KITT for a few measly bucks. And by that I mean you could get Val Kilmer to actually ride along with you and tell you where to turn. He doesn’t seem terribly busy at the moment.
November 20th, 2009 at 12:15 pm
So, despite the math proving the decision is, at best, a crapshoot and either one can be argued as right or wrong, he calls it the 2nd worst decision made in Boston sports history. A decision he forgets was made by a guy who has won 3 championships and coached the first undefeated regular season team since the season switched to 16 games.
You know when all this Boston bullshit started to infect the lives of people who don’t give a fuck about Boston? Good Will Hunting. I blame that movie.
November 20th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
Also, I think all the overblown bullshit about Belichick’s call can be summed up in two words: Tecmo. Bowl.
It was a Tecmo Bowl play, pure and simple. You’re on this zombie cruise control and you think “yeah, why the fuck not?” and charge ahead full steam. The same thing happens to guys at strip clubs and casinos. You go in thinking your shit’s together, the next thing you know you’re standing in front of the ATM for the third time in 2 hours. It happens.
November 20th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
I am confused to why is writing a about football game from last sunday, I thought this was the interwebs were we get information quicker then in print.
November 20th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
If the statistical analysis disagrees with my uninformed gut reaction, then the statistics must be wrong.
If Drew doesn’t have time for a weekly FJM-style trashing of Simmons, could he at least write and publish a post placing a bounty on Bill Simmons’ hands? $10 a finger, $25 for a hand, something like that. In this economy, there should be no shortage of takers.
November 20th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
@Bubby Brister’s Mop: http://reviews.cnet.com/car-gps-navigation/mio-knight-rider-gps/4505-3430_7-33107342.html
Original KITT voice and a red LED runner for ya.
November 20th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
@claude balls
I totally want to take you up on that. BRB circular saw.
November 20th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
“my beloved Patriots”
“It trumped Darrell Johnson pitching Jim Burton in Game 7 of the 1975 World Series” – always comes back to the Red Sox.
“These are the things that happen when you double on a 12 against a six because you believe — fervently — that a slew of non-face cards are coming. You might be right, but you shouldn’t do it.” – I go to Vegas! With my friends!
“Five years of bad luck” – it’s not our fault! You wouldn’t understand since you’re not from Boston.
“Did I throw my remote control on Sunday night? Of course I did.” – it controls my 5 TVs! Do you know Jimmy Kimmell? I do!
November 20th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
Here is where he lost me:
It’s my belief that certain hotels scramble their wireless at night to discourage guests from surfing for porn.
No. More people are in their room at night. More people are using the wireless network. More people connected, slows down the network. Pretty logical.
Or you could believe in curses and conspiracy theories.
November 20th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
Holy fuck, where to begin with the Simmons insanity? How about this:
“Had the Patriots punted, Indy would have had to pull off a third long touchdown drive to win the game. I asked Peter Newmann to research the number of times a team started and completed three touchdown drives in the fourth quarter to erase a double-digit deficit and win an NFL game since 2005. . . . 78 weeks of football dating back to 2005, it happened a whopping four times. Four! If you’re playing the statistics card, why not play that one?”
Gee, Mr. King of Vegas, maybe because some of us have heard of the Gambler’s Fallacy? If a coin comes up heads three times in a row, the chance of if coming up heads a fourth time are now 1/2, not “1/16 because OMFG THAT’S THE ODDS OF GETTING FOUR HEADS IN A ROW! STUPID STATHEAD NERDS LOL!” Of course the Colts’ offensive drives aren’t independent probabilities like a coin toss, but that actually makes this idiot’s argument worse: if the Colts have already made two long touchdown drives this quarter, that makes it MORE likely that they can pull off a third.
It’s particularly hilarious to see Simmons going against all his usual bullshit psychological theories. What he calls “Insane Angle No. 4″ (that the Pats were sending a message by going for the kill) really is a weak argument for going for it — but it’s exactly the kind of argument that Simmons usually throws out there. We’re talking about a man who once joked about how cool it would be if the Pats deactivated their punter for an upcoming game against the Jets just as an awesome “fuck you” expression of confidence. If Belichek’s gamble had worked and the Pats had won, is there any doubt that Simmons’ column would have been all “GENIUS! Not only did we win the game, but now we have the Colts totally psyched out and intimidated by Belichek’s — oops, I mean OUR — balls!”
And whatever happened to that Five-Year Rule, that you don’t bitch and whine about your team for five years after winning a championship?
November 20th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
If there is one person who I think has more contempt for Billy Baroo than me, it’s definitely Big Daddy Drew. Amen, brother.
November 20th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
Simmons also had the brilliant, totally original idea of sending in a cartoon to The New Yorker, depicting him riding on the back of some Indian guy, and saying, “This has been on my list for a long time.”
November 20th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
Dunstan said pretty much everything I wanted to say. Though I would have added in how he subtly hinted that the trade of Richard Seymour earlier this year was a bad thing cause Belichick is too old (or something) when at the time that move prompted him to call out the NFL for not stopping Al Davis from trading anymore cause it was too good for the Patriots (or something).
Consistency? What consistency?
November 20th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
I’m pretty apathetic when it comes to the never ending Great Simmons Debate and I have no desire to get involved in it. However, Christmas Ape wrote this last week:
“Tom Brady is a smug asshole, but then he leads an almost cartoonishly perfect life. Would you or I be unbearable were we lavished with such gifts? Probably. I’m already kind of a dick and I don’t have anything on Brady.”
You can easily replace “Brady” with “Simmons” there. Drew may be a less charitable type that Ape, but “cartoonishly perfect” seems like a pretty decent description of Simmons’ life.
The speeding ticket thing is a perfect example. He tried to get out of a speeding ticket because he’s famous, which is an unbelievably dickish thing to do. He then makes it even more dickish by writing about it and pretending that it matters that he got a $300 ticket. (In the time it took the cop to stop him, chastise him, and write the ticket he made more than that in book sales alone.) But what goes unstated is that he probably has gotten out of speeding tickets in the past simply because he’s famous. Would you have more or less respect for him if he didn’t try to get out of tickets? It’s the old hate-the-player/hate-the-game conundrum.
Does Simmons suck? Or does the world suck for so lavishly rewarding Simmons? Because if Simmons sucks then it’s bullshit that he’s as successful as he is. But if it’s the world that sucks then you could make the case that he’d be a fool not to take advantage of it. And this is why I don’t care about the Great Simmons Debate, it has no where to go.
November 20th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
What bugs me the most about this is the fact that BS would be in heaven right now if the play had worked. He wouldn’t question it at all and play it off as Belicheat in “Eff You” Mode.
And I think he forgot to post his pics…
November 20th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
If only Belichick had used a VP of common sense. One that has been watching football for TWELVE HOURS EVERY SUNDAY. One that could give him advice like “Take Reggie Bush or Vince Young first overall” or “Bet on Jake Delhomme in week 2.”
November 20th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
I couldn’t believe it either when Simmons went to all caps for his argument. Everyone knows that obnoxious use of caps is Drew’s bit!
November 20th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
I like Simmons for the most part, but I was rolling my eyes when he eschewed the stats when they didn’t support him, and relied on them to show how INCREDIBLY STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY IT WAS THAT MANNING WOULD HAVE SCORED IF THEY PUNTED. Fuck that, Manning was scoring no matter what.
November 20th, 2009 at 1:09 pm
+1 to dunstan.
simmons has become incredibly boorish, more obsessed with himself than ever before. this column was unreadable, due to an ever-increasing amount of self-reference, sloppy writing and poor logical reasoning.
the difference between BDD and simmons is ever-widening, and the gap between simmons and reilly is closing rapidly.
November 20th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
i know its not exactly sparkling intellectual property, or even a funny joke, but i’m pretty sure simmons ripped off dungy, who used the herm quote on sunday night.
November 20th, 2009 at 1:15 pm
Dunstan and Charlie Sweatpants have made two very smart, well written arguments, I must say.
I agree with the fact that his latest columns have taken quite a nosedive, and wholeheartedly agree with the opinion others have brought forth that, had the Pats won, this man would have written a column over 400,000 words long extolling the many many virtues of Belichick and Boston people in general.
I hereby demand that Drew destroys these columns FJM style from this day forward.
Please
Pretty please?
November 20th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
please please please give this jackass a peter king giant douche bag article every week. i hate his stupid belicheat loving ass and his incessant talk abou the fucking natinal blackestball association.
November 20th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
@maxwell demon: “fucking natinal blackestball association”
Well when you put it like that, who could resist?
November 20th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
Simmons forgot to have someone statistically analyze (if they punted) the Colts blocking the punt (running it back for a TD?) or a bad snap going over the punter’s head and into/through the end zone. See, it never ends. Which is why Evil Genius Belichick really did it–to give media and fans something to hash over till the end of time and forget a little more about Spygate.
November 20th, 2009 at 1:47 pm
@maxwell demon: “fucking natinal blackestball association”
I mean, REALLY. And the same with Major League Spiccer, CAUCASCAR, and Jew Alai.
Tard.
November 20th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
If there was one time I could wish the Seattle cop was Shawn Merriman, this would have been it.
Me (big smile): “Were you a big Sonics fan? Because-”
Him (frowns): “No, but it is time for your breathalyzer test. Drop your pants and spread your cheeks.”
Me (big smile): “But isn’t a breathalyzer taken by mouth?”
Him: “OK, bitch!”
Me (big smile): “So you are a ‘big’ Sonics fa………….glug, choke, clug!”
November 20th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
I’m sure it is fun to see how he related his cop encounter to Pedro Martinez, Len Bias, or Real World/Road Rules challenge.
I too would love to see a weekly FJM-style takedown of Simmons every week. What can I do to make this happen?
/empties wallet out on desk
November 20th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
@Dunstan – the five year rule is nearly up. Amazngly, even though the mainstream media seemingly gives Belichick and Brad public hndjobs, the last time they won was Feb 2005.
That said, this was classic Simmons garbage. He’s the most self-serving, waffling douche ever. He was proclaiming his great prognisticating prowess earlier this year. Then, when he inevitably starts sucking at picking games, he claims that “this is one of the weirdest years ever” in his podcast. No, Simmons, you just don’t know anymore about the NFL than any normal red-blooded adult.
November 20th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
You just know that if Faulk catches that pass cleanly and the Pats get the 1st down there that Simmons is talking about what big balls Belichick has and how that call made him smarter than every other coach in the league who would have wussed out and punted it. I’m a Pats fan I can rarely stomach Simmons anymore.
November 20th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
Some other requested GPS voices:
* Sassy black woman
* Old Southern Senator
* ‘80s metal falsetto
* Billy Mays
* the Xhosa click language
* electronic hick who makes announcements on Atlanta subway
* Waffle House waitress (“Turn left, hon”)
* Droopy
* Obese man with fat pressing against his windpipe
* small market DJ doing a Jack Nicholson imitation
* man with his foot caught in a bear trap
* Dairy Queen drive-through
* if Barry White had been from Minnesota
from Jeff Kay (http://thewvsr.com/index.php/ive-got-gps-voices-in-my-head/)
November 20th, 2009 at 2:14 pm
“In the biggest game of the regular season, when a football coach tries something that — and this is coming from someone who watches 12 hours of football every Sunday dating back to elementary school — I cannot remember another team doing on the road in the last three minutes of a close game, that’s not ‘gutsy.’”
December 1995, Cowboys at the Vet, 17-17 tie, 4th and 1 from their own 29. Switzer went for it twice.
This week, on Fox’s “When Hyperbole Fails”…
November 20th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
@Jefferson Tardship:
I doubt that “Barry Switzer also did it” is the strongest argument in support of Belichick’s decision.
November 20th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
@claude balls: But the Cowboys won the Super Bowl that year. I’m sure Simmons would use that sample size of 1 to exclaim that the Pats will win the SB this season. NO ONE DENIES THIS!!!
November 20th, 2009 at 2:36 pm
Bill Simmons really thinks the cop was a Yankees/Lakers/Jets fan and the people of Seattle all love him.
November 20th, 2009 at 2:39 pm
If that cockslap killed someone with his reckless driving imagine his impassioned defense at trial, “ladies and gentlemen of he jury, I took a position once about a sports franchise moving out of town. I was AGAINST it. Fuck those three kids and their grandma”
November 20th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
“These are the things that happen when you double on a 12 against a six because you believe — fervently — that a slew of non-face cards are coming. You might be right, but you shouldn’t do it.”
This is so idiotic, and for a guy who fancies himself quite the gambler he doesn’t seem to have a clue about blackjack. Strategy dictates that you never double on a twelve against anything, especially if the deck count is negative (that’s his fervent belief that a slew of non-face cards are coming) which would favor the DEALER and not the PLAYER. Also, you don’t have a “believe” that a slew of non face cards are coming since you can TRACK THE CARDS ALREADY DEALT. This guy writes about Vegas?
November 20th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
The stats are wrong! And to prove it, look at my stats!!
November 20th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
My favorite point is when he ends the column with the “You can’t tell me this game didn’t mean anything! Because it did!”
No, it did not. It was one game, which you lost. Brady doesn’t give a shit, the rest of the team doesn’t give a shit. Belichick may give a shit, but he’s not the one on the field. With the shitty division they play in, the Patriots are a fucking lock for the playoffs, and seeing as how there’s a grand total of 2 good teams in the AFC (the colts and patriots), they will meet again in the AFC championship.
Where the media will try to blow up the whole “You lost that game!” angle, and nobody on either team will give a shit, because it’s meaningless.
I hope that the cop pulling him over made him late for his meeting with fucking Nike.
November 20th, 2009 at 3:06 pm
Simmons article reminds me of the time the Red Sox allowed Manny Ramirez to throw down a 67 year old travelling secretary with no punishment but then sent him packing for “quitting” by merely batting .396 during his final month with the team.
November 20th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
“So we’re saying 55.7 percent, huh? That’s the success rate for a road team playing its biggest rival, in a deafeningly loud dome, coming out of a timeout — a timeout that allowed the defense to get a breather and determine exactly how to stop the obvious five-receiver spread that was coming because the offense’s running game sucked — along with that same defense getting extra fired up because it was being disrespected so egregiously/willfully/blatantly/incomprehensibly. I say lower. By a lot.”
Isn’t this the same Bill Simmons who wrote a column detailing the death of the home field advantage, a column that was sparked by–of all things–a close Indianapolis home loss at its new dome? A new dome that was decidedly not “deafeningly loud” and in fact was constructed in such a way as to not be “deafeningly loud,” hence the death of the home field advantage? Don’t feel like finding the link, but I’m positive this happened. NO ONE DENIES THIS!
November 20th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
Simmons is right, the Patriots need a humble coach with no arrogance, like Dick Jauron. Or Bill Simmons.
November 20th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
Nav systems are for people who get lost (women).
November 20th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
While his column contains his usual bullshit, I have to agree with most of his analysis of people using meaningless stats to explain why a horrible decision was made. Stats are averages and don’t take into consideration what’s actually happening at the moment. People were using stats that involved teams like the Browns, Rams, Raiders, etc. Sorry, those don’t apply here.
Not surprised that Simmons threw in a couple jabs at the spot though. Get over it already, the spot was correct, it was a bad call, you didn’t make it, you lost…no one robbed you of a possible victory other than your coach.
November 20th, 2009 at 3:48 pm
Wait…he says that the Pats’ defense was well-rested and could have stopped the Colts for a longer drive? Why didn’t they stop them the first two times in the 4th quarter then?
November 20th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
“I am not disputing the numbers or the methods for achieving them. But by Monday night, based on various columns and message boards (as well as e-mails to my reader mailbox), you would have thought Belichick was a genius for blowing the game. He played the percentages! It wasn’t as crazy as it looked! By this logic, Belichick also should have held a loaded pistol to his head on the sideline, spun the chamber and tried to shoot himself like Chris Walken in ‘The Deer Hunter.’ If those 1-in-6 odds came through and he succeeded, we could have said, ‘Hey, he played the percentages: 83.6666 percent of the time, you don’t die in that situation! You can’t blame him for what happened!’”
No. Choosing NOT to play Russian Roulette gives you a 100% a chance of not dying–which is higher, I believe, than 83.66667%. This issue is NOT whether you still have a good chance (84%) of surviving when playing Russian Roulette. The issue is whether playing Russian Roulette (84%), or not playing Russian Roulette (100%), gives you the BEST chance of survival.
Am I missing something?
November 20th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
I’m no Bill Simmons, but how can you possibly justify betting the game on the Pats D stopping a 70 yard drive (given that they had already failed to stop 4 TD drives, two in the same quarter), versus Tommy Dreamboat, a guy who DEFINES CLUTCH! going 2 yards? It would have been the greatest thing in the history of Bahhhstaaaahhn if it had worked, and if the roles had been reversed, I bet Caldwell would have made the same call (if he actually spoke once in a while).
November 20th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
Simmons also uses his column to brag that he used to watch 12 hours of football every Sunday when he was in elementary school
That’s worse than the douchebags who brag they used to read Shakespeare in elementary school.
November 20th, 2009 at 4:19 pm
If anyone should be thankful for police brutality laws, it should be Bill Simmons.
I try to avoid Simmons at all costs, as it’s only taken skimming a handful of his articles and the mocking from the sports blogs for me to ascertain his staggering amount of douchebaggery. But for schadenfreude purposes, I decided to listen to the B.S. Report he did after the Pats loss to the Colts. When it started, I was wondering when this whiny 10 year old kid would get off the mic and Bill Simmons would join the conversation. Then after 3 minutes I realized, holy shit…I think that’s really Bill Simmons! I’d never heard him speak before.
November 20th, 2009 at 4:20 pm
Dear Bill Simmons –
F you.
You’re one of the main reasons why I hate everything and everyone from Boston (Clam chowder, you get a pass). Just because you agree with a town getting screwed over doesn’t mean that people in Seattle love you. I don’t. Not everyone in the town followed the Sonics (shock, I know since they moved because of the audience levels). So when you got denied for breaking the law, suddenly, it’s the cop’s fault for not putting up with your shit.
Here’s why I won’t read any of your columns again: you were going 90 in my city. I hate assholes who drive like that and now, you’re in that group. You put other people’s lives in danger. I don’t know if you were paying attention this week, but it was raining, which makes it much slicker to drive when you were “weaving between lanes.”
What happened if you hit somebody? Or, you hit me? Or, God forbid, you hit my wife? “But, I was driving and I was in control!” you might say. Yeah, you’re not in control of the person in front or on the side of you who does something that you weren’t paying attention to because you were trying to be funny with pop culture references. If you had hit me, I wouldn’t have let you off with “Well, I’ll get David Ortiz to sign a baseball for you, He knows who I am.” And if you hit my wife, injuring her? Let’s just say that you would’ve had plenty of time watching football games while lying in a hospital bed.
You’re a pompous ass who doesn’t care about anyone else. I don’t care if you smoke pot, have streaming live porn on your cell phone or gamble your life savings away; those are things that you do to yourself and I have nothing against them. But going 90 in and out of traffic to get to the fuckin’ Nike factory when you’re 3 away? That’s when you put other people’s lives at risk. That could of been me out there on the road you passed and a split second later when you were trying to do your best “Field of Dreams” impression for your GPS voice, I could’ve been killed.
“I never thought I would get caught.” Isn’t that like “I never thought I would get pregnant” line you see on those reality shows you fawn over? And what the hell were you going to say? “Even though I’m from Boston, I write a blog online and I support your old Sonics? Do you mind letting me get a pass this time?” Thanks, I’ll try that the next time I’m in Boston and I get caught for endangering other people’s lives: “Even though I’m from Seattle, I do like your Clam Chowder. Do you mind if I get out of here with a warning?”
I am not some old man yelling at you to get off my lawn; I’m your target demographic: a mid-20’s male sports fan who digs pop culture. I have gotten tired of your extreme Boston love and with this, I’m no longer reading any of your article again. This isn’t like the Pats game at all, F that. I can’t believe people are still talking about that.
Pay your fine and stay the hell out of Seattle.
(Copied and e-mailed to Bill)
/Sorry to be such a downer, just really pissed off at him.
November 20th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
Remind me to thank ESPN for sending an employee out here to drive on our highways at 90 mph during the rainy season. Also, the chances of actually running across a Sonics fan in Seattle is actually pretty slim, hence the crappy attendance in the last few years of their stay here.
November 20th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
Re: statistics:
Statistics are like a string bikini. What they reveal is interesting; what they conceal is critical.
Most people use statistics like a drunkard uses a lamppost, for support-not illumination
/Michael Irvin approves of the title of this post
November 20th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
So if you like Seattle so much, why don’t you marry it?
November 20th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
Yep. It makes sense, or at least, it would if Simmons wasn’t a condescending writer with an apparent hard-on for exclamation points.
Not playing russian roulette = punting.
Playing russian roulette and not getting your brains blown out = making the fourth down.
Ending your life recklessly = Belichick.
Weird column. It went from shockingly cogent in some parts (about how given the Colts D on the play, it was more akin to a a two-point conversion) to truthiness bullshit (how can Tim Thomas possibly be considered “underrated” by anybody when I hate him so? I watch a lot of basketball! And drive a Dodge Stratus!) to hypocritical (I was for the Seymour trade before I knew Ty Warren would get hurt. What a fool I was! Fortunately, come April I’ll be wildly for it again and give Belichick such a journo-blowjob that Shaughnessy will be jealous for months.) to obnoxious pandering (notice how I’m such a dickhead to the innocent people of Oklahoma City instead of putting the blame where it belongs, with The Smartest Man on the Planet, David Stern. He could solve Palestine if he wasn’t so busy trying to defraud city taxpayers with unnecessary new stadium demands all the time. I should totally be the GM for Seattle’s expansion franchise!) to straight up douchebag behavior (so this travel secretary bitch like gave me a totally liberal trip approximation time, and I was all like, bitch, please, I can make it there in half that time. Long story short, I got busted for doing 45 over the limit and couldn’t talk my way out of a ticket because that asshole cop didn’t have the temerity to either like the NBA or be aware of my celebrity existence. Do I have the best anecdotes or what?).
November 20th, 2009 at 5:03 pm
To be fair, at least Simmons didn’t just go with the tired ‘My gut tells me this was wrong!!” arguments, he at least tried to utilize statistical analysis. That being said his “analysis” was shaky.
First off he brings up that the chance of a team passing for a two point conversion would only be like 34% on the road in the 4th quarter. That’s a great stat, but it doesn’t factor in the fact that the Patriots have a far above average offense that can probably convert that play at least 50% of the time, even on the road in the 4th quarter. Also a two point conversion where you have to only guard the end zone is a very different situation than having to potentially guard at least 15-20 yards of the field.
He then talks about how having three TD drives in the 4th quarter to come back and win the game only happens once or twice a year. This is the most absurd argument. It’s like saying that a pitcher only has a .001 chance of throwing a perfect game when they are one out away because perfect games only happen once a year. I’d be willing to bet that when teams have already scored two touchdowns in the 4th quarter and need one more to win, they get that touchdown at least 50% of the time, particularly when they get the ball back with at least two minutes remaining.
November 20th, 2009 at 5:43 pm
The Sonics left town?
November 20th, 2009 at 6:21 pm
He coulda watched 12 hours a day back then ya know. they had VCR’s that could magically record games on the opposite channel.
Why cant you give Billy Sim’s the benefit of the doubt? Dont you know who he is.
November 20th, 2009 at 7:45 pm
Aw, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Bill. Forty percent of all people know that.
November 20th, 2009 at 7:55 pm
Couldn’t agree more.
For those looking for breakdowns of Simmons columns, this guy is great at it:
http://www.sotsg.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=1&t=4129&p=405119#p404939
November 20th, 2009 at 9:21 pm
This Boston/New England sports fan has officially stopped reading Simmons. THIS LOS ANGELES-BASED DOUCHE IS A REILLY-LEVEL HACK AND HE DOES NOT SPEAK FOR BOSTON SPORTS FANS!!!
November 20th, 2009 at 9:58 pm
SOTSG… really?
“This guy is great at it” /pimps own blog
November 20th, 2009 at 10:30 pm
The Urtard may live in L.A., but it would seem he still drives like a Masshole.
November 21st, 2009 at 1:07 am
Nobody cares about the NBA until the playoffs; not even the players themselves.. The NBA is an apparel and marketing firm that happens to have a sports league attached to it.
Kids might buy the jerseys and the sneakers. They don’t watch the games.
Basketball is a great game ruined by the stupidity of the David Stern. Further as per im Donagy it’s as fixed as the WWE. At a losst why Simmons writes such silly books nor why anyone would buy them.
November 21st, 2009 at 1:36 am
Answer, the problem is with the Russian Roulette analogy, and where it comes in the story. Simmons admits earlier in the story that “technically” the percentages favor going for it “if you look at it at face value:”
“According to a formula called ‘Expected Win Probability When Going For It,’ Pattani believed that the Patriots had an 80.5 chance of winning the game. By punting, they had a 79.0 chance of winning. So my argument (made on Monday’s podcast) that Bill Belichick should have ‘played the percentages and punted’ was technically wrong. Barely. Belichick did play the percentages if you took those percentages at face value.”
Then, immediately after the above paragraph, in order to denigrate the whole concept of “playing the percentages,” Simmons analogizes it to the playing of Russian Roulette, when playing Russian Roulette (with its only 83.3 percent chance of survival) is actually a good example of FAILING to play the percentages. As long as the goal is to survive, a person really playing the percentages would never play Russian Roulette — he would choose to not play and to survive, 100% — unless he was being forced to choose between Russian Roulette and, say, jumping off the top of the Empire State Building.
I realize that Simmons, later in the article, questions the accuracy of the percentages themselves, and if he’d made the point that the REAL percentages say you should punt, AND THEREFORE that going for it on 4th and 2 is like playing Russian Roulette (because it is riskier), he would have been fine. But that isn’t what he’s doing here. He’s admitting that the percentages say you should go for it, but then nonetheless saying that going for it is like playing Russian Roulette — and then LATER ON implying that, actually, playing the percentages is okay…as long as they are HIS percentages.
November 21st, 2009 at 4:21 am
i had suspected it before, but now i’m positive: i am a self-loathing boston sports fan. and i am completely in the right. this fucking asshole makes it impossible to take oneself seriously as a pats or sox or celtics or (when convenient) bruins fan.
i feel like jumping ship, deserting my boston sports affiliations and taking up rooting for other teams who, win or lose, at least do so with dignity. i love my teams, but can hardly take the douchebaggery that perpetually orbits them. i am constantly on guard, warding off the unfathomably arrogant comments of either my friends who root for these teams, or the anonymous voices on the internet.
thing is, i LOVED the belichick call. as a lifelong pats fan who remembers fondly the 80’s and 90’s (hey, i’m only 26), the level of failure associated with it reminded me of what it is to be an actual patriots fan: misery meets loyalty meets devastation meets can’t-wait-for-next-week. losing that game, i felt like i was back rooting for bledsoe and pete carroll and everyone before them. i felt like i was home.
as much as it hurts to see one’s team lose so spectacularly, is it wrong to root for it to continue to happen, so bandwagoners will leave, so things will go back to normal? you may think me an asshole for not appreciating a winning decade… but you read that article. what the fuck am i to do?
November 21st, 2009 at 6:25 am
“going about 90″
After drinking 50 beers, smoking 20 bowls and TOTALLY fucking like 200 chicks, brah.
November 21st, 2009 at 7:02 am
You may be Big Daddy Drew, but Simmons now and forever has claim to the title Big Daddy Douche.
November 21st, 2009 at 8:04 am
Cop: You’re also getting a ticket for driving without due care and attention. In future, make sure the 12 inch cock hanging off your forehead isn’t dangling over your eyes while you’re driving.
Simmons: So you weren’t a fan of the Sonics. What about Rocky?
November 21st, 2009 at 8:08 am
“Dunstan said pretty much everything I wanted to say. Though I would have added in how he subtly hinted that the trade of Richard Seymour earlier this year was a bad thing cause Belichick is too old (or something) when at the time that move prompted him to call out the NFL for not stopping Al Davis from trading anymore cause it was too good for the Patriots (or something).
Consistency? What consistency?”
This gets me every time. Particularly with the NBA. He flip-flops on almost every position he makes pre-season during the course of the season, yet people think “he knows the NBA” because he basically tells them that he knows the NBA. That’s why he’d be a failure at his dream job of NBA GM. You can’t change your mind in the middle of the season and start talking about how Adam Morrison wasn’t destined to be a future nba legend when you already picked him. Actually making decisions doesn’t allow you to cover your tracks.
November 21st, 2009 at 11:51 am
Is Simmons editing this thread? I’ve never seen so many comments with, like, 5000 words in them.
November 21st, 2009 at 2:08 pm
@Tradedforadraftpick
Simmons blows and no one denies this. But holy shit, take your meds man. You sound like a real vag cramp. And can some of you do a little self editing? No one’s reading the comments for the next great american novel about why some twink totally hates some sports writer that nobody really cares about.
/fuck Simmons and tard commentators
November 23rd, 2009 at 9:53 am
“we should be able to have Morgan Freeman be our nav narrator or, even better, Sam Jackson”
Bill Simmons is a nasally little homosexual. This much is well known. But did you know that he’s not just queer, but he’s queer specifically for black guys?
I’ll bet he and Kari Crichton have an open relationship with a lot of interracial cuckoldry going on. Do either of his kids look mixed?
November 23rd, 2009 at 5:43 pm
I don’t have the emotional stamina to read a Simmons article right now, but I assume that he is conveniently ignoring Maroney’s fumble and Brady INT in the end zone, which probably took at least 10 points off the board and would have made the 4th down call irrelevant.