In an effort to regain control of his team, Bengals coach Marvin Lewis decides to take the drastic step of bringing volatile wideout Chad Ochocinco into his home in a spirited attempt to get the two men to understand one another.

Marvin: Hey, Chad! Chad! Get down here! Victory Monday is OVER! We have to get to practice! ANDIAMO!

Ocho: Comin’, coach! Comin’! I got the scoopty, poopty! You Coach, check this out. Check this out, brutha. Tell me what chu think of THIS!

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Marvin: They’re glasses.

Ocho: They’re BIG glasses! Ha ha! Look at how big these bitches are! Now I SEE why nerds are so smart and shit. The bigger your glasses, the more you see. And that makes you smarter!

Marvin: No, none of those things correlate. At all.

Ocho: Sure they do! You should try these glasses on, Coach. I bet you end up drawing some seriously ASSNASTY plays if you got these shits on. And you know what else is cool about these Urkel dealies? I can see colors!

Marvin: You can see colors with your normal eyes.

Ocho: And I can see shapes!

Marvin: You can see shapes with your normal eyes.

Ocho: Yes, but if you SPIN these glasses around, the shapes and colors change! You see all kinds of colorful patterns! Just like one of those Horseshack tests!

Marvin: That’s a RORSCHACH test. And what you’re describing is not a pair of glasses, but a kaleidoscope. Your glasses are not a kaleidoscope.

Ocho: But they are! Look!

(spins around)

Now there’s a lamp! Now there isn’t! Now there’s a lamp! Now there isn’t! That’s a microscope!

Marvin: The shapes and colors are changing around you because you’re rotating your body. That’s how that works.

Ocho: And if I tilt my head, everything gets all tilted! This shit is CRAZY! I’mma pitch this to Marlon Wayans. We gon call it BLACK NERD. And it’s gon be about this brother who wears some glasses and LOOKS like a real shithead. But turns out he’s trippin’! AND HE’LL TALK WITH A FUNNY WHITE PERSON VOICE, TOO!

Marvin: That sounds like the worst movie ever made.

Ocho: If by worst, you mean THA SHIZNIT.

Marvin: Listen, Chad. I don’t have time for this, this morning. We’re actually a good team this year, so we have to stay focused. YOU have to stay focused.

Ocho: Oh, I’m focused, Coach. Very focused. These glasses aren’t my subscription, so everything I see is VERY CLOSE.

Marvin: Those are reading glasses. They’re hurting your eyesight.

Ocho: AND I got a fresh set of dollar bills for the refs this week. HOLLA FOR A DOLLA!

Marvin: I told you I didn’t want you pulling that kind of stuff this week.

Ocho: But it worked! You saw how hard the refs worked for us once they knew Ocho had a little tastykake for them!

Marvin: So you were serious about bribing them?

Ocho: OH HAIL YAYSE. You think a ref is gon turn down a buck? Nuh nuh. I see those refs every game. They only got ONE outfit! They can’t afford SHIT!

Marvin: Those are their uniforms. They’re supposed to wear the same outfit every time.

Ocho: But why? Why couldn’t they wear a leather jumpsuit? Then they could get RAW!

Marvin: Because that’s not the way it works. They have a uniform, just like WE have a uniform. So you can tell who’s who.

Ocho: CHILD PLEASE. Who’s who? You look at this face. You tell me you couldn’t pick these pearly whites out in a crowd. TING! You hear that? My teeth said TING!

Marvin: YOU said TING.

Ocho: Nuh nuh. That was my TEEF talkin’!

Marvin: Teeth can’t talk. They’re made of enamel.

Ocho: But they COULD talk, if they felt like speaking up!

Marvin: But they can’t.

Ocho: But they could!

Marvin: But they can’t.

Ocho: But they could!

Marvin: But they can’t.

Ocho: But they could!

Marvin: But they can’t.

Ocho: But they could! I’ve Strahan’s teeth talk! They keep shouting to me, WE’RE SO LONELY OUT HERE, OCHO!

Marvin: Whatever. I don’t have time for this. We have to get to the practice facility. It’s Pittsburgh Week, and we can’t mess around.

Ocho: Oh, snap! Pittsburgh! That reminds me! I got a care package ready for those guys!

Marvin: I told you I don’t want you pulling any of this crap.

Ocho: Check it out, Coach. Check it out.

(opens box)

Ocho: Look at what I got these guys! Very small glasses. That means they won’t be able to see as good as us. And look at this sweater!

Marvin: It’s a baby girl’s sweater.

Ocho: But look at the label.

Marvin: “Made in Korea”

Ocho: That’s right! That’s Hines Ward’s sweater! HE USED TO BE A GIRL! BAHAHAHAHAHA!

Marvin: That doesn’t… oh, never mind. Go on.

Ocho: Look at these shoes. They’re both right footed! They’ll run in circles all night! And I got them broccoli, because they won’t like that. And I heard Big Ben likes to rape-a-dape the ladies, so I got him this hammer! And I got them this.

sound-editing-4

Marvin: It’s a tape recorder.

Ocho: That’s right! And before I give it to them, I’m gonna turn it on, so it records everything they say! We’ll know their game plan! THEY WON’T KNOW!

Marvin: But they will. Because it’s on.

Ocho: Not if I hide it in this bowl of delicious red Jello!

Marvin: HOLY SHIT. I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO FUCKING BEGIN WITH YOU. YOU FUCKING PAPERWEIGHT. DO YOU REALIZE WE’RE FIRST IN THE DIVISION? WE’RE FIRST! WE’RE FUCKING WINNING THIS DIVISION, AND HAVING THE BEST YEAR WE’VE ALL HAD IN AGES. AND YET, I STILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOUR BREATHTAKING STUPIDITY. YOU STUPID FUCK. YOU STUPID ROTTEN FUCK. THOSE GLASSES ARE NOT SPECIAL. THEY DON’T MAKE YOU SMART. REFEREES DO NOT NEED SMALL AMOUNTS OF MONEY FOR NEW CLOTHES. AND THE STEELERS WILL KNOW THERE’S A TAPE RECORDER IN A BOWL OF JELLO IF YOU PUT ONE THERE.

Ocho: But if they EAT the Jello, then they’ll swallow the tape recorder, and then they won’t know it’s in their bodies!

Marvin: IT DOESN’T FUCKING WORK THAT WAY.

Ocho: See, I think you’re wrong. Ray Lewis has made a lot of people swallow things they didn’t know about. Because he stabbed them right before he did it.

Marvin: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.