Maharishi Dungy Will Clense You of Your Wickedness. WHO YA WORSHIP?
Yesterday it was announced that Tony Dungy will head the Players Advisory Forum, a group that will serve as a intermediary between players who want to bitch and the league executives who want to ignore them. Already committed to the cause is a religious nut (Kurt Warner), a phony dickbag who conveniently adopted religion to cover for his sordid past (Ray Lewis) and Brian Dawkins (Brian Dawkins).
Now, Dungy has already played guardian angel for Michael Vick. He’s trying to do it again with some college football coach. But what’s his angle? If there’s anything I distrust, it’s a guy with a savior complex. I search for greed and self-interest in the basis for every action. Why? BECAUSE EVERYONE IS GREEDY AND SELF-INTERESTED!
Therefore, I must conclude that Dungy is starting a cult. A big awesome football cult. I bet he’ll call it the Indianapolis Cults (ba-zing?).
Now, I have no problem with cults. One of my uncles is actually in one. Growing up, I’d only see him at holidays, but he seemed a fairly normal and affable guy. As a teenager, I began picking up on the fact that in-laws commented that they never knew where his income came from, and they joked that he was probably a drug dealer (he lives in Miami, which is for drug dealers what D.C. is for lawyers). Then finally when I was about to graduate high school, they dropped the bombshell on me that he joined a cult right after he got out of college. “Who’s the cult leader?” I would ask. At the time he joined, it was some Indian kid who was anointed a deity at birth, which sounds like a pretty sweet deal for the kid. I’m guessing he’s a grown-up deity now. “So what does he do for the cult?” I would press. They didn’t know entirely, but they’d answer, “well, he mostly flies around on The Guru’s jet.”
I know Waco gave cults a bad name, but my uncle got a good arrangement at this benign cult where he would just fly around everywhere on jets and party with crazy cult floozies. My conclusion: CULTS. ARE. AWESOME.
Sadly, I never got in on the lazy floozy banging cult life. Instead, I became a layabout blogger. But this cult sounds like it could work. Add football to the equation, and I want in on the ground floor of Dungy’s football cult. I imagine hating the gays will be a big part of it, which I can’t say I would be crazy about. Me and the gays got no beef. But if they got a sweet jet, then shit, all bets are off, gays. Sorry.
Anyway, this is a roundabout way of me saying Ray Lewis is going against Dungy’s former team this weekend. But Terrell Suggs is out, so even though the Ravens were already boned against the Colts, they’re extra boned now.
Tags: i'm tony dungy and i want to recruit you, rambing nonsense, ray lewis, who ya got?
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November 20th, 2009 at 10:32 am
Your uncle’s name is probably Mother Shabubu now . . .
November 20th, 2009 at 10:35 am
See, if they just included football, Jonestown would have been a fine concept.
/confused by this post
November 20th, 2009 at 10:37 am
Blue Oyster Cult or The Cult. Who ya got?
November 20th, 2009 at 10:39 am
“phony dickbag who conveniently adopted religion to cover for his sordid past (Ray Lewis)”
Glad I’m not the only one who gets that vibe.
November 20th, 2009 at 10:43 am
I’m only joining a cult, if I can be the deity.
November 20th, 2009 at 10:45 am
“a group that will serve as a intermediary between players who want to bitch and the league executives who want to ignore them”
Isn’t that what the players’ union is for?
@UU: Neither. I was born a snake-handler and I’ll die a snake-handler.
November 20th, 2009 at 10:45 am
Great. Now I can’t get the image of Dungy chanting “Khali Ma!” while ripping the heart out of some gay dude’s chest.
November 20th, 2009 at 10:54 am
ZOLTAN!
November 20th, 2009 at 11:13 am
I can relate, Ape: I had an aunt in the KISS Army. Lotsa fire, blood, and some dude on an altar dressed up like a housecat.
Weirdest. Cult. Ever.
November 20th, 2009 at 11:17 am
i know how he gets people to join.
Na na na na, na na na na, Dungy, Dungy.
November 20th, 2009 at 11:18 am
I’ve been involved in a number of cults, both as a leader and a follower. You have more fun as a follower, but you make more money as a leader.
November 20th, 2009 at 11:19 am
This weekend features a matchup of Ray “God’s Linebacker” Lewis against Peyton “God’s Quarterback” Manning. Ye verily, look upon the Fivehead and despair, ye mighty, for your defensive strategems will break upon it’s shores like tiny, tiny waves.
Because if there’s nothing else, there’s always a little blasphemy to get things moving.
/jewish
//doesn’t believe in hell
///going there anyway
November 20th, 2009 at 11:27 am
So, your uncle was a follower of Benny Hinn?
November 20th, 2009 at 11:43 am
I was in a cult once, until I defiled their “sacred parchment” and was subsequently chained to the “stone of shame.”
November 20th, 2009 at 11:51 am
Tell me Mike, does your uncle have a large collection of “Leader Beans?” Is he planning a trip to Blisstonia any time soon?
November 20th, 2009 at 11:54 am
“Well, I mean I don’t really have to believe in this stuff, do I?”
“No, no, just fuckin’ tell everybody you believe in this shit — when they say the sun sucks, go, ‘Yeah, fuck the sun, I fuckin’ hate it too, long live the fuckin’ beast.’”
November 20th, 2009 at 11:55 am
“religious nut and phony dickbag,” yup sounds like Tom Cruise
/opens cease-and-desist letter
//south park’d
November 20th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
Killer photoshop, but you covered over his Mr Spock ears!
November 20th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
Brian Dawkins tag should be “man-beast”
/eagles fan who still misses weapon x
//cries
November 20th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
I heard about Dungy “mentoring” Mike Locksley of UNM on local radio and I don’t get it either. From what I gather, Locksley tanked a mildly competitive program down to 0-10 after pulling a Tom Cable. What’s Dungy’s angle?
No star recruits want to come here anyway. UNM’s a basketball school and even that team only gets as far as the NIT in a good year.
November 20th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
….three weeks later, flubby killed his own father. It was the only way to save him.
November 20th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
Already committed to the cause is a religious nut (Kurt Warner), a phony dickbag who conveniently adopted religion to cover for his sordid past (Ray Lewis) and a head-hunting dirty piece of shit safety who probably beats women (Brian Dawkins).
/fixed
//Cowboys fan’d
November 20th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
After employing Roy Williams for so many years, I find myself without much sympathy for Cowboys fans complaining about a head-hunting safety.
November 20th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
“I’ve been involved in a number of cults both as a leader and a follower. You have more fun as a follower but you make more money as a leader.”
November 20th, 2009 at 2:38 pm
Roy Williams didn’t head-hunt he shredded ankles via the horse collar tackle.
/FIX YO DIRTY PLAY COMPARISONS
November 20th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
I hear getting de-programmed from Players’ Advisory Forum kicks ass.
November 20th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
@UU
BoC, everything up to and including Agents of Fortune. The Cult have their moments.
November 20th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
Roy Williams’ rep is overblown. How can you be a dirty head hunter when you haven’t made solid contact with an offensive player since 2003?
November 20th, 2009 at 4:55 pm
I wouldn’t be a member of any cult that would accept a guy like me as a member.
November 21st, 2009 at 12:37 am
@porky1 i’m glad i’m not the only one on here from the forsaken desert.
and tony dungy’s miraculous powers cannot help locksley and UNM. we be FUCKED.