KSK Off-Topic: Some Thoughts on Veterans Day
This has nothing to do with the NFL, and it’s not very funny. But if you’re interested in the military roots of a football blogger, read on.
I did a reading last week. The person organizing the event, knowing of my experience as a Marine in the initial invasion of Iraq, asked me to read something about the Middle East. I accepted. Ohhhhh did I accept.
This particular reading series is run by and populated with graduates of the M.F.A. writing program at Sarah Lawrence College — a commendable program by all accounts, but one that inevitably produces a lot of female writers talking about their relationship with their mothers. Furthermore, it’s a nonfiction reading series, and since most of the readers are highly educated writers by trade, there’s no REAL drama. No violent crime, no fires being put out, no fistfights — only existential crises that inevitably stem from an absent father or overbearing mother, or vice versa.
Well, I was determined to turn their reading series on its head. I selected a passage that I put in the category of DARK AS HELL, one of the more emotional and gruesome passages from my always-and-forever-unfinished memoir about the war. I was gonna freak some bitches out.
However, there was one thing I didn’t count on: I don’t generally share my experience at war with anyone besides fellow veterans. I’ll tell the funny stories, or show the pictures of me with friends goofing off, but my feelings about war and my fear of death and the lives I broke as carelessly as a glass from Ikea are all things that I keep inside of me.
And you know what? That doesn’t help anyone. It doesn’t help the civilians who ask me honest questions about combat, it doesn’t help other veterans who are fighting the demons of their own memories, and it doesn’t help those who try to avoid the ugly reality of war. Like, say, our Congress since the all-volunteer force was adopted.
With that in mind, what follows is the passage I read last week. It’s about my fears of going to combat just after we got the word that the invasion was about to begin. It was extremely uncomfortable for me to share it with an audience of strangers. I hope that it’s uncomfortable for you to read.
***
As the sun rises, so does my anxiety. Are we actually going to war? We are. We are actually going to war. I personally am going to war. Holy Jesus living fuck save me God in heaven fuh-huh-huh-huh-huck.
I don’t want to die. Oh God, how is it going to happen? So many ways, death at every corner and lining the streets in between. Who’s going to shoot at me? Iraqi tanks? Okay, that’s okay—we’ve got armor for that. Good armor. Great armor, the best armor. But what if it’s a close shot? Maybe that Iraqi tank round doesn’t penetrate but the shock of the blast causes the inside of the turret to splinter—spalling, it’s called—and all it takes is one little piece of metal to go into my exposed neck, to cut my jugular, and I’m gasping, choking on my own blood, trying to get out a desperate last prayer for life. Or maybe that hot piece of metal goes through my eye and I go quick. No, no—I know. I’m going to have to get off my tank—there’s a wounded Marine, or I need to help an innocent citizen, or there’s a reporter in the way—and that’s when the large-caliber rounds rip through my legs—why didn’t I see that machine gun emplacement?—shattering my femurs, cutting my femoral arteries, and oh God no not my balls. My balls are going to get shot off and even if I live I’ll be a crazy legless veteran with no balls.
Jesus, RPGs. I haven’t even thought about the RPGs. One shot from behind, or a top-down shot in a city whose name I don’t even know, and there goes the fuel tank. It’ll burn slowly at first, and I’ll be standing on the turret, making sure Sprague gets out of the gunner’s hole when the fire catches the ammunition, maybe the violently combustible main gun rounds, maybe just a box of 7.62; it won’t take much to shatter this fragile body, shred my guts to mincemeat, blow my limbs off—the flies will lay their eggs on the muscle of my detached humerus when it lands three hundred yards away; maggots will feast on my decomposing bicep. Feral dogs will fight over a piece of my foot rotting in its boot near the charred tank, and I’ll have died with the smell of my own flesh burning in my nostrils.
Oh God don’t let it be me. Maybe it won’t be me. Carnline—he’s the curious type, always has his head out of the loader’s hatch when he should be staying down. He’ll be up joy-riding on the side of the hatch because I’ve gotten tired of telling him not to, and the sniper’s bullet is going to catch him in the cheek, and his helmet will prevent an exit wound. I’ll be the one to lay him down on top of the turret, and I’ll pull his helmet off and his brains and shattered skull will fall into my lap, gray matter and pink stuff I can’t identify and flecks of bone like ivory, hard and sharp in the soft mess. And I’ll vomit into Carnline’s brains, and I’ll cry into his open skull, and my Marines will look at me and ask each other This is the guy they chose to lead us?
My heartbeat throbs against my wrists, beats my eardrums, thunders against my woozy temples. I chain-smoke behind my tank. I’m trying to get enough nicotine into my body to stop my hands from shaking. It hasn’t worked yet.
My platoon sergeant comes around the side of the tank and says, “Oh. There you are, sir. Been lookin’ for ya.”
“Well, I’ve been right here.” I’ve been hiding.
“The platoon’s all here, if you wanna talk to ’em.”
I don’t. Not at all. “Thanks, I’ll be there as soon as I finish my smoke.”
I’ve never been good at speeches. I always forget what it is that I want to say, so I have to write down notes, which cuts down on the rambling but makes for less effective go-get-’em speeches. Today I have so little to say that I’ve foregone notes.
I toss my cigarette into the sand and walk to the front of my tank. I look at my platoon. They’re a motley crew: gangsters, country boys, college-kid reservists, immigrants, tattooed thugs. They can drink and swear and tank like no other group of Americans I know. I have trained them, trained with them, and I love them fiercely.
I can count on Sergeant Melville for detailed, even excessive, reports. Corporal Weber—Big Joe, he’s from Washington, I’ll write him a recommendation for a college scholarship next year. Sergeant Horner’s little boy Lawson isn’t more than a couple months old. I know when Sprague has been sneaking cans of chili into the gunner’s hole because his farts smell worse than usual. Willie—when was the last time Willie brushed his teeth? Zapien’s a reservist; he works in a bank and has a pretty Asian girlfriend he’s going to marry when we get back. Lopez, just a baby when he got to the company—now he’s practically an old salt. I’ve watched him grow up. I guess he’s watched me grow up, too.
My Marines. My men, for whom I’m responsible. I’m twenty-four and older than all but two of them. I’m twenty-four and responsible for as many lives as I have years, if I count my own (and I do). I have twenty-four mothers to answer to, eight wives depending on me not to fuck this up. These men deserve the toughest, smartest leader that the Marine Corps can produce.
What they have is me, and I.
Am.
Terrified.
I clear my throat.
“I know y’all were probably lookin’ forward to a big Braveheart talk, but you know me—I’m not one to speechify.” Dead silence. Is my voice actually trembling? “We all know that we have a just cause for going to war, and we’ve already gone over the scheme of maneuver a hundred times.
“I’m just like the rest of you: I’ve never been to combat, so I don’t know what it’s like. But I want to tell you all that it’s okay to be scared.” I’ve been looking at the ground. I raise my head and force myself to look at them; I move my gaze around to meet several different sets of eyes. “What’s not okay is to let that fear overcome you. No panicking. We’re all well-trained, and as long as we go with our training and make quick decisions, we’re gonna accomplish the mission and be fine. Tank commanders, you know what I expect.”
They’re still looking at me. I’ve just given one of the least inspirational speeches in the history of warfare.
“That’s about all I wanted to say.”
Tags: captain caveman, KSK off topic
November 11th, 2009 at 9:18 am
I hope you read it in some comical voice, so the ladies won’t have night terrors for the rest of their lives. I vote Elmo – wait, that’d be worse.
November 11th, 2009 at 9:20 am
Well done Caveman, well done indeed.
/more uncomfortable than expected
//polishes off liter of Wild Turkey
November 11th, 2009 at 9:21 am
Thank you, for serving. This was a good read.
(I’m from MA, so…BOAHSTAHN AHMED FOACES AH HAHDAH THAN YOU! THEY AH-N’T SCAYAHD! YOUAH PRABBABLY A FAHKIN YANKEE COAK SUCKA FAN! ONLY MAHRINES FROM MASS ARE TRUE PAYTRIOTS! NO ONE DENIES THIS.)
ahem…again. enjoyed your column. Carry on!
November 11th, 2009 at 9:23 am
I’m speechless, and struggling to see through the tears as i type…..
Wow.
I had no idea you were there, and you have no idea how much I appreciate your service to our country.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
November 11th, 2009 at 9:28 am
Thank you, Ufford.
November 11th, 2009 at 9:29 am
“I had no idea you were there”
You don’t spend much time around these parts, do you?
Seriously, a salute and a thanks to all who have served.
November 11th, 2009 at 9:31 am
Thank you for your service and example, Matt.
Now what’s the story with that delicious-looking sandwich?
November 11th, 2009 at 9:31 am
I’m a loyal KSK reader but have never commented until now. I’m not good with the words thing so I’ll just say thank from the bottom of my heart.
November 11th, 2009 at 9:39 am
Thanks for your service, Matt.
November 11th, 2009 at 9:41 am
From someone with an Army dad and brother, you are truly appreciated and awesome job on the writin’.
November 11th, 2009 at 9:42 am
Thank you for your service Sir, I wish I could serve as nobly as you.
Now, why does it look like you’re about to eat a shit sandwhich?
November 11th, 2009 at 9:45 am
B R A V O
November 11th, 2009 at 9:46 am
CC – thanks so much for all you did and all you will do based on your experience.
God bless you, the men you serve with and all of your families.
November 11th, 2009 at 9:48 am
I have been reading this site for 3 years and never commented. I throughly enjoy all the dick jokes and strangely enough this website gave me some laughs during arguably the worst year of my life. Hard to put a value on that. Having said that, this was the first thing ive ever read here that had an actual effect. God bless you and your marines.
Semper Fi
November 11th, 2009 at 9:53 am
Thank you.
November 11th, 2009 at 9:53 am
Thank you for everything you’ve done for this great country sir. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
November 11th, 2009 at 9:56 am
Thanks from the Deep South, Matt. Truly.
November 11th, 2009 at 9:56 am
Thanks Uff. And I would read much more of that should you decide to share.
November 11th, 2009 at 9:58 am
Thank you.
November 11th, 2009 at 9:59 am
Great writing, Ufford. Thank you for your service.
Finish that book!
November 11th, 2009 at 10:02 am
Great read. Thanks for sharing and your service.
November 11th, 2009 at 10:05 am
Best thanks, CC, both for your service and your decision to share a glimpse of the experience with us.
November 11th, 2009 at 10:05 am
Thanks for your service.
November 11th, 2009 at 10:06 am
It was a pleasure to hear at the time, and great to see again here now.
November 11th, 2009 at 10:06 am
Now I feel like a little shit bitching about the Jersey traffic every day.
Anyone who starts a PoFlaWa is gonna get an RPG up their ass.
Matt, you and your comrade soldiers are in our thoughts prayers every single day. Thank You for all you do.
Ummm, is there a way to send beer out to the boys/girls in Iraq and Afghanistan?
November 11th, 2009 at 10:08 am
Hoo-rah
November 11th, 2009 at 10:10 am
Thank you for your service. I was fortunate to have been in command of some brave and exceptional men and women in my time. Take care.
November 11th, 2009 at 10:10 am
Thank you for your service sir–and your honesty. Very powerful read and I appreciate it.
November 11th, 2009 at 10:11 am
(read in the voice of BD from Doonesbury)
November 11th, 2009 at 10:11 am
I am sincerely moved, and wish I had more to say than thanks, and please finish your book.
November 11th, 2009 at 10:13 am
Bawling my eyes out here…. every word was like a punch in the stomach.
What else is there to say, but THANK YOU. Thank you for your service and thank you for sharing this with us.
November 11th, 2009 at 10:16 am
So you didn’t write the speech Gene Hackman delivered in Crimson Tide? I always wondered about that.
Still, thanks for your service.
November 11th, 2009 at 10:17 am
Fuck. After reading that, I want to know what happens next. And I don’t want to know because I’m not sure that all 24 of you are coming back. Fuck. Thank you for your serving your country in the most deeply personal way possible, and thank you for providing insight into a world I know nothing about.
I just have one question. How many Sarah Lawrence grads offered to blow you that night?
November 11th, 2009 at 10:23 am
For 40 years my father’s been carrying memories of the fear and insanity he went through while taking his UVA art degree to lead 30 conscripts through the A Shau Valley. He doesn’t share them with his own family, but he’ll share them with a complete stranger. I can’t even begin to say I understand what darkness combat vets have to face every day, but I at least understand why they wouldn’t want to talk about it with anyone who hasn’t been through the experience. Thank you for giving us a glimpse of what you had to face then, and now. And thank you for what you did for us all.
November 11th, 2009 at 10:24 am
Thanks CC, even though we don’t have the opportunity to say it in person, I join with the rest of the commentators who enjoy this distraction from real life in conveying my gratitude to you and your fellow soldiers. Day in and day out the men and women of the armed forces make sacrifices so that people like myself can enjoy the freedom, liberty, and privilege that comes with living in the U.S.A.
+1 to dm72, anyone stupid enough to start a PoFlaWa deserves an RPG up their ass.
November 11th, 2009 at 10:24 am
Thanks Matt.
November 11th, 2009 at 10:24 am
My step-brother in the Marines was fourth tank into Baghdad – dude came around the corner with a RPG and began to load it, but the machine gun on the tank was jammed, so the driver just turned the tank towards him, floored it, and crushed him into a wall…he still has nightmares of this guy, still holding a RPG in one-hand and a RPG round in another, with a wild-eyed stare, mashed into a wall, lower ribcage to knees mashed into jelly. And that was their only “combat” experience up to that point. Powerful stuff. Thanks Uff.
November 11th, 2009 at 10:28 am
Thank you Matt. Just…thank you
November 11th, 2009 at 10:29 am
Ufford, that was truly gripping. Please, please finish your book. Do you have other accounts published somewhere else one can read? As a son of career Marine (I was born at Cherry Point) my admiration for you guys runs deep. Thank you.
November 11th, 2009 at 10:29 am
I hope the men in your platoon got home ok?
November 11th, 2009 at 10:30 am
Very well written. And thank you.
November 11th, 2009 at 10:31 am
Semper Fi, Ufford.
Great read. Thank you.
November 11th, 2009 at 10:38 am
I’ve just given one of the least inspirational speeches in the history of warfare.
Well I was inspired.
November 11th, 2009 at 10:38 am
HOO-RAH
November 11th, 2009 at 10:39 am
One of my best friends was in Iraq during the initial invasion. He doesn’t talk about it a lot. After reading this now I can see why.
Thank you for this post.
Thank you for service.
You’re a good man.
November 11th, 2009 at 10:41 am
I just “tweeted” the link to this page, because when you’re a sheltered white boy who’s afraid of his own shadow that’s (apparently) how you say thanks and all of that.
What percentage of the people at the reading confused their feelings for our foreign policy with their feelings about our troops? Since it’s Sarah Lawrence, my money is on “lots”…
November 11th, 2009 at 10:48 am
Thanks Uff.
I copied and pasted the following from footballguys.com as another example of what this day means to a lot of us.
/salute
WHAT IS A VET
Some veterans bear visible signs of their service: a missing limb, a jagged scar,
a certain look in the eye. Others may carry the evidence inside them: a pin
holding a bone together, a piece of shrapnel in the leg – or perhaps another sort
of inner steel: the soul’s ally forged in the refinery of adversity. Except in
parades, however, the men and women who have kept America safe wear no badge or
emblem. You can’t tell a vet just by looking.
What is a vet?
He is the cop on the beat who spent six months in Saudi Arabia sweating two gallons
a day making sure the armored personnel carriers didn’t run out of fuel.
He is the barroom loudmouth, dumber than five wooden planks, whose overgrown
frat-boy behavior is outweighed a hundred times in the cosmic scales by four hours
of exquisite bravery near the 38th parallel.
She or he—is the nurse who fought against futility and went to sleep sobbing every
night for two solid years in Da Nang.
He is the POW who went away one person and came back another—or didn’t come back
AT ALL.
He is the Quantico drill instructor who has never seen combat—but has saved
countless lives by turning slouchy, no-account rednecks and gang members into
Marines, and teaching them to watch each other’s backs.
He is the parade—riding Legionnaire who pins on his ribbons and medals with a
prosthetic hand.
He is the career quartermaster who watches the ribbons and medals pass him by.
He is the three anonymous heroes in The Tomb Of The Unknowns, whose presence at
the Arlington National Cemetery must forever preserve the memory of all the
anonymous heroes whose valor dies unrecognized with them on the battlefield or in
the ocean’s sunless deep.
He is the old guy bagging groceries at the supermarket—palsied now and
aggravatingly slow—who helped liberate a Nazi death camp and who wishes all day
long that his wife were still alive to hold him when the nightmares come.
He is an ordinary and yet an extraordinary human being—a person who offered some
of his life’s most vital years in the service of his country, and who sacrificed
his ambitions so others would not have to sacrifice theirs.
He is a soldier and a savior and a sword against the darkness, and he is nothing
more than the finest, greatest testimony on behalf of the finest, greatest nation
ever known.
So remember, each time you see someone who has served our country, just lean over
and say Thank You. That’s all most people need, and in most cases it will mean
more than any medals they could have been awarded or were awarded.
Two little words that mean a lot, “THANK YOU.”
Remember November 11th is Veterans Day.
“It is the soldier, not the reporter, who has given us freedom of the press. It
is the soldier, not the poet, who has given us freedom of speech. It is the
soldier, not the campus organizer, who has given us the freedom to demonstrate.
It is the soldier, who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag, and whose
coffin is draped by the flag, who allows the protester to burn the flag.”
Father Dennis Edward O’Brien, USMC
November 11th, 2009 at 10:51 am
Cock Flashy Says:
November 11th, 2009 at 9:29 am
“I had no idea you were there”
You don’t spend much time around these parts, do you?
I do, I do! For the past year, at least, after I discovered this place. But, I had no idea that Matt had served in Iraq.
November 11th, 2009 at 10:52 am
Wow. Thanks. What else is there to say.
November 11th, 2009 at 11:02 am
Wow. Thanks everyone for the kind words.
For the record: yes, all 24 of us came home safely (although one of my reservists was later killed in a motorcycle accident). And that sandwich was the then-new Hamburger Patty MRE. You have no idea how hard it was to get your hands on one of those when they first introduced them. It had barbecue sauce AND cheese spread!
November 11th, 2009 at 11:04 am
Good stuff, muchas gracias…
And I felt like an editors note belonged near the start: “good armor. Great Armor. (lofty armor?)”
November 11th, 2009 at 11:06 am
Very big thanks to CC and the any amongst commentariat who are serving/have served our country in any of the various campaigns undertaken by the US Armed Forces. The selfless sacrifice you and your families have made so desk jockeys like me can sit around and make dick jokes all day is deeply appreciated.
Having a friend that was in the initial invasion and was the only survivor of a hummer that hit a roadside bomb, your words ring so true. Extremely well said, sir…thank you for this.
/salute
November 11th, 2009 at 11:12 am
My Bro In Law ( Marine ) got a presidential commendation I only found out about when helping him move. Doesnt talk about it either, We dont ask. Buy a beer or two for your vet friend or family member. Dont say why just do it.
November 11th, 2009 at 11:12 am
Thanks for posting that, Uff. I can’t imagine…
Like others here I’m sure, I’m curious about the reaction(s) of your audience that evening.
November 11th, 2009 at 11:14 am
Thanks Matt, and to anyone else here that served our country.
Also, check out Matt’s post over at Warming Glow. More great words written over there.
http://warmingglow.uproxx.com/2009/11/happy-veterans-day-from-warming-glow
November 11th, 2009 at 11:23 am
Shit, someone else beat me to the “Lofty armor” joke. Oh, well.
Anyway, this was a pretty incredible read. Thanks for your service.
November 11th, 2009 at 11:24 am
Like several who have already posted, I am a loyal reader who never took the time to say anything in the comments until now.
That being said, thank you for your service. People like you make this country great.
/has something in his eye
November 11th, 2009 at 11:31 am
Thanks man.
November 11th, 2009 at 11:37 am
Incredible read. I’m passing it around hoping it effects people as much as it effected me. Thanks, Matt, for your talents as a writer and more importantly, your service and sacrifice to this country.
November 11th, 2009 at 11:38 am
Thanks for your service, Matt. And thanks to any others out there reading this that have served our country.
November 11th, 2009 at 11:38 am
Thank you, Ufford.
November 11th, 2009 at 11:39 am
Thanks, Matt. Glad you and your boys made it back.
November 11th, 2009 at 11:40 am
From a longtime fan going back to WL, thanks Matt, for both your service and this piece.
So did this reading get you laid by any of those hot Sara Lawrence broads?
November 11th, 2009 at 11:47 am
Been reading here for several months, never commented ’til now.
Thank you for your service. That was a gut-wrenching read today…
Please finish the book. I would definitely buy it for sure.
November 11th, 2009 at 11:51 am
Brave enough to serve as a Marine in Iraq and brave enough to share what that was really, truly all about with us. That’s tremendous. Thank you so much for both.
November 11th, 2009 at 11:58 am
Thanks for serving. And sharing.
Even more importantly, thanks for freaking some bitches out.
November 11th, 2009 at 11:59 am
Already said it on WG, but a huge thanks to Matt and all our vets. I almost went to OCS this summer. It was a hard decision but I went to fire academy instead. Wish I had the balls to choose the former.
November 11th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
While I’m glad you and your balls made it through (for your sake), I’m especially glad that your sanity, and your quality writing, made it through (for our sake).
November 11th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
So Matt, when’s the book coming out?
November 11th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
Thank you for this and all you’ve done.
November 11th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
Thank you so much for your service.
/ My stepdad was a Marine and served in Vietnam. He doesn’t like to talk about it.
November 11th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
Thanks, Matt. This post was an incredible read.
November 11th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
Very inspirational post.
I hope you were able to pull some still-on-the-fence-about-going-full-lesbo-grad student poon after the reading.
November 11th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
Thanks, Matt, for serving and for sharing this story.
November 11th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
As someone that had a brother serve in the Marines in Desert Storm, I just wanted to say thanks.
/salutes
November 11th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
The age of the people we’re sending is kinda disheartening; some of them are not old enough to legally drink in the country they’re representing. I know it’s always been that way, but still. I’d like to see us air drop most of Congress over Iraq before we send more 19-year-olds.
Thanks to all veterans, though thanks really isn’t enough.
As for the speech, I’m guessing there’s not a lot you can say that’s gonna make people feel better about the distinct and immediate possibility of dying before you’ve really lived very much. If it had been filled with some Jesusy bullshit or a bunch of “the few, the proud” PR, I would have been disappointed.
November 11th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
That’s wild stuff. Good writing. I sincerely hope you got a blow job in the parking lot after the reading.
November 11th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
Thank you.
November 11th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
Excellent post CC, and have a happy Veterans Day.
I can vouch for the hamburger MRE, many a case of MRE were raped in the vain attempt to find those things…mostly by myself.
November 11th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
Thank you, Sir
November 11th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
Yet another person who has never posted but has been reading for a long time. Finally feel a need to do so. Thanks for your service-and the post. time to go buy a veteran some well deserved drinks.
November 11th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
Whew. That was really good. Thanks Uff.
Bart: I just think our veterans deserve a little recognition
Lisa: That’s what Veterans Day is for, Bart
Bart: But is that really enough to honor our brave soldiers?
Lisa: They also have memorial day!
Bart: Oh Lisa maybe you’re right maybe you’re wrong, the important thing is that veterans deserve a day to honor them!
Lisa: They have TWO!
Bart: Well maybe they should have three, I’m Bart Simpson.
November 11th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
/salutes
November 11th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
The reading got you laid, didn’t it? Or maybe not, yeah, probably not.
November 11th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
Damn CC… Just DAMN! G-d bless you, Sir and all of your Marines
As one who mustered out just before everything happened, then couldn’t get back in time to fight; I spent every day and night wondering and worrying about my unit and felt like I’d left them behind. I comfort myself with the knowledge that my men were led by men such as you.
Currently, my oldest son is doing his first tour (we’re a military family down the line) and I’m gripped with a sense of fear that I could never explain to anyone who hasn’t gone through the same thing. I know his training and experience is tops in the world, but in your narrative, you summed up all the fears that flash through my mind at lightning speed (”What if…?”) Honestly, if I could trade places with him, I’d do it in a heartbeat. But his Army is different than my Army (and Navy: I was one of THOSE guys).
A family tradition is usually to watch some patriotic move (Private Ryan, Patton, etc…), but I think I’ll just tip over a Tullamore Dew and then screw off at work tonight (Thanks for the post @Orton Hears…).
BTW: I lived near Smith College, and I know the student body of which you speak… Still you’d have BETTER gotten at least a half-dozen offers after that speech!
Not a Marine, but to you Sir: Semper Fi
November 11th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
Thank you Matt. Thank you.
November 11th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
That was truly amazing. Thank you.
November 11th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
Great post Matt, and a salute.
November 11th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
You really need to finish that memoir.
Well done, bravo.
November 11th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
Thx for your service, sir, and I’ll have you know this shithole (Iraq) hasn’t changed one bit since the invasion. This is my second go around in here, and the mortars don’t get any quieter, and the bullets don’t hurt any less.
November 11th, 2009 at 1:15 pm
Good post. A salute to you and your kind.
November 11th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
Thanks to you and to all who have served.
Rex Ryan is taking notes on that one.
November 11th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
That was amazing, and also truly horrifying, especially bc I have a brother on his way to Iraq.
I get emotional about pretty much everything having to do with soldiers and veterans, but this was something completely different that came with an entirely different feeling. On one hand, it adds to my fears for my brother and for the others who are already serving over there, it also adds to the tremendous amount of respect I already had for those kinds of people.
Thank you.
November 11th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
Thanks Ufford. I really appreciate your hard work in the service and on this website.
November 11th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
Thanks, Uff.
Hope you do get around to writing it all down and getting it out there.
I also hope you feel you and your men were well used.
November 11th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
Thank you. And you really should finish that book. I think it would get a great response.
November 11th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
That’s some mighty fine writing there, CC. I want to read the rest of your memoir immediately. And of course, thanks for the sacrifices and service.
November 11th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
Thanks, Matt.
November 11th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
Thanks, Matt. I hope you get the chance to finish that memoir someday.
November 11th, 2009 at 1:47 pm
as a longtime reader of KSK and WG, I say with relative pride, I salute You Matt, god Bless and enjoy all your days.
November 11th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
Thanks Ufford. My father and both my grandfathers were veterans, so I appreciate what our troops do for us.
I really wanted to make the lofty armor joke too…
November 11th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
Awesome stuff.
November 11th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
I’ll bet Rex Ryan wishes he could give a speech like that. Thank you Matt.
November 11th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Thanks Uff, for your service and that post.
November 11th, 2009 at 2:01 pm
I have been reading for years and never felt I had anything to add. Thank you Matt. And Orton, that is possibly the best sumation I have ever read. Thank you as well.
November 11th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
Semper Fidelis
November 11th, 2009 at 2:23 pm
Thank you, Matt. That is all anyone can say.
November 11th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
Kellen Winslow Joke
~srsly thanx Vets!
November 11th, 2009 at 2:32 pm
What’s there to say other than I have a tremendous amount of admiration and gratitude for what you did, and I’m still doubtlessly shortchanging you. Thanks, Ufford.
And let me just say that the speech was probably 1000s of times better than any I could give in that situation.
November 11th, 2009 at 2:32 pm
Thank you for the post and your service. This was a wonderful read.
November 11th, 2009 at 2:32 pm
From a fellow vet, that was quasi Dale Dyeish
November 11th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
Just echoing what everybody else has said, thanks. You have a talent for writing, unlike many of the guys who have served (this is not a slight; most people have a hard time communicating effectively). Therefore, you need to write your book to help us historians personalize the accounts of war. Our students can’t get this from standard monographs. Not that it matters that much, but your photo was a bit unsettling for me. You look a lot like one of my nephews who was serving in Afghanistan (maybe it’s the haircut). On Father’s Day, he lost a leg in a rocket attack at Bagram Airfield. Every night I pray for his family and for all you guys. God bless.
November 11th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
And thanks for sharing it in a post too, by the way. It was extremely meaningful, extremely intense, and very relevant.
November 11th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
CC – I hope you finish that book someday. I can’t wait to read it.
Uff is enjoying a well-deserved day off. Where the hell is the rest of the Gay Mafia with the dick jokes? Get your asses in gear, it’s already mid-afternoon!
November 11th, 2009 at 2:36 pm
Thank you. Excellent read, too.
November 11th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
My experience with the tankers, was that they sat on the overpasses while us infantry toured the country on foot. I would have much rather slept on a tank at 25% watch.
That being said, I think they did save us once.
November 11th, 2009 at 2:44 pm
One thing- how did this reading go over? If you didn’t get a book deal, I hope you at least got some free drinks and tail.
November 11th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
I hope that book gets finished. Or at least, that this article finds its way to a lit magazine.
November 11th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
On that same note, I’m pretty sure tankers are smarter though. The Marines I was in charge of (thank god only 7) were dumber than shit. Too stupid to be scared. Which in turn, only made me even more scared. God I hated the Marines.
November 11th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
Well done, sir. You should keep foraging ahead with that memoir. I’m currently reading “Shadow of the Sword” right now, which is ghost-written, and I enjoyed your passage above more than I’m enjoying this book.
November 11th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
Great read CC
As an AF vet, I was never exposed to the horror that you guys went through. However I had a number of friends there and as a C-5 mechanic I can tell you we did our damndest to make sure the supplies in our birds got to you as soon as possible. It was an honor working on every single plane coming through on it’s way downrange, and I would do it again in a heartbeat without pay if I had to, knowing that the lives of the soldiers may depend on our cargo.
November 11th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
Also, I’m trying to figure out why every other photo I see of a Marine in war-time, they are pointing their index finger at something. And I think it’s because they’re fingers are more comfortable that way, as that’s generally how its positioned when they are holding a M-16.
Finally, is every platoon issued at least one “Lopez” as SOP?
November 11th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
Thanks for the gut-wrenchingly good read, Matt. And thank you to you and all the men and women who serve our country.
November 11th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
I was in Raleigh, NC a couple of weeks ago, and a bunch of Marines were on my flight to Dallas (they were headed to 29 Palms). We shot the shit and I told them a few stories from the first go round in Iraq. They were funny as hell, and motivated to go do their job, but I was struck by their youth. It seemed like they weren’t old enough to drive a car, much less a tank. I enlisted at 17, but never saw myself as a kid until I looked back at some of the pictures of me a few years ago. Your life is never more in front of you than when you’re 18, never more full of hope and promise, and that is the age when these young men are putting it on the line for all of us.
Please finish the book, Matt.
November 11th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
Seriously, finish that book. This is some outstanding writing. I guess I haven’t read as many military related books as you may have but this section was pretty gripping. Thanks.
Guarantee that it outsells those shitty hardcovers Drew and Mike put out.
November 11th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
You’re a heck of a guy in my book. THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE
November 11th, 2009 at 3:08 pm
Thanks Matt, to you and to all the other men and women who are serving/have served. I will always be in awe of the courage that you guys have.
November 11th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
From one Marine officer to another, thanks bro.
November 11th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
Thank you Matt, and to all of our brothers, sisters, mothers and fathers who serve our country without complaint. You are the reason we are still free, and that can never be repaid, just remembered.
November 11th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
well done. and thanks for the smoke on the far side of the river near Numiniyah at the intersection.
November 11th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
…and work on that 8 minute fran time.
November 11th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
thanks so much to you and your fellow soldiers for all you’ve done to keep us out of harm’s way. you are a true hero, and a damn good writer to boot! bravo.
November 11th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
Matt,
I’m a now a very old O-5 and I remember my first combat sortie like it was yesterday. It was Operation Just (be)Cause, the invasion of Panama in 1989. I was a new LT just out of flight school and one of my first missions was a combat run into Panama City.
I’m glad it happened first when I was so young. I was too stupid to know what all could kill me and young enough to think I was bullet-proof. Never a good combo. Sad thing was we had no ‘old salts’ in those days. The last shooting war the military was in had ended 16 years earlier. All the Vietnam vets were retired or very senior.
I tell that old story sometimes to new kids, but they don’t need much pep talking. Think about this and feel very old: The guys/girls just pinning on O-4 entered the military in 2001. They have never known a military that was NOT at war. It’s all they know and they are very, very good at it.
November 11th, 2009 at 4:19 pm
Wow, just wow…. Thanks Uff
November 11th, 2009 at 4:21 pm
Sir,
Another reason you should finish the memoir is to maybe help future officers. I’m an ROTC cadet, and I hope I’ll never have to give that kind of speech, but I want to be ready if I do.
*salute*
November 11th, 2009 at 4:32 pm
Great work. Hope you’re the next KSK writer to get a book published.
November 11th, 2009 at 4:46 pm
Sir –
from one tanker to another, I remembered every last memory you went through like I was right there… Finding the ability to overcome your fear, trusting in you and your fellow platoon-mate’s skills, and knowing that every last man has each others back no matter how gruesome it gets is a lesson everyone can learn in life.
thank you for your service
November 11th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
Appreciate all you put out there for us, Matt.
Thank you from me and my family.
November 11th, 2009 at 5:13 pm
“And that sandwich was the then-new Hamburger Patty MRE. You have no idea how hard it was to get your hands on one of those when they first introduced them. It had barbecue sauce AND cheese spread!”
I’m more of a fan of the chicken and salsa MRE myself. JALAPENO cheese spread is in that bitch! As someone with two grandfathers who served in WW2 (one army, one marine), 3 cousins who served/still serving/about to ship out, and myself still serving (and about to work a 12 hour shift fixing B-1 bombers on Veterans day…not bitter at all about that!), thanks for your service, Matt.
/Longest run on sentence ever?
//Longest run on sentence ever.
November 11th, 2009 at 5:16 pm
Another long-time first time. Matt, thank you so much for your service. If fate had twisted slightly differently I might have been over there with you, rather than a socal ne’er do well. Finish the memoir. I’d buy it in a second.
November 11th, 2009 at 5:22 pm
Thanks for your service Matt.
November 11th, 2009 at 5:31 pm
That made me miss the States more than the sexing I anticipate upon my return, and even slightly more than the Hines Wald posts (rearry funny)…God bless you and all of America’s finest.
/Beats down gypsy for Budweiser
//chain smokes Lucky Strikes
November 11th, 2009 at 5:31 pm
Today, of all days, dig out the card…
http://www.woundedwarriorproject.org/
November 11th, 2009 at 5:38 pm
As a man who fully admits that he is too chickenshit pansy-assed to ever have even THOUGHT about joining the military…thank you, not only to Matt, but to all the commentators who have chimed in about their service. I may doubt the wisdom of your superiors, but I’ll never doubt your bravery. Thank you.
November 11th, 2009 at 5:41 pm
Thank you for your service. And for sharing. Both take more guts than I’ll ever have.
November 11th, 2009 at 6:10 pm
Thanks CC. You wrote this so we can see it, feel it, be scared of it. I add my request to the rest: finish up that book.
To everyone reading this post that has served (or is about to go fix a B-1 as we speak), thank you. Thank you for letting me live my life, and worry my mundane worries.
My Dad graduated early to join up at the end of WWII (the Big One). He spent his time in the Caribbean, He would go into Key West with $1, and come back aboard ship with 50 cents, and drunk off his butt. His stories were of the drudgery of long shifts patrolling and some stories of the things they did to have fun.
I have an uncle that served in Vietnam that we know was never the same after. I hope the returning soldiers today don’t go through what his generation of returning soldiers did.
November 11th, 2009 at 6:19 pm
Matt,
Thank you for the post. Thank you for serving. Thank you to all the other commenters and their families too.
But Matt, I hope you find some way to finish that memoir. You have a talent and an outlet (or means to get an outlet one way or another) to show people how scared you were, but how you overcame it. And it might be a way for other veterans who don’t have the resources or abilities that you have to… come to terms with what they’ve seen or adjusting to normal life.
I’m sure you’ve probably heard that a few times today, but maybe you haven’t.
Thank you again Matt.
November 11th, 2009 at 6:24 pm
My grandfather landed on Normandy at D-Day. He never talked about anything in the war until just the last few years – now he talks a lot, and it makes you wonder how the hell he ever came back as a functioning human being, after the things he saw and did. Incredible, amazing stuff. My dad was the CO of the first air medivac unit that crossed into Iraq during the first Gulf War. He never talks about it, either, although I think that it has as much to do with the “chicken shoot” aspect of that won. An horrific bloodbath, just not of us. I think if you can put into words your experiences it would be incredibly valuable for those of us who have no real concept of what you go through in these situations. Anyway.
Plus, IMHO and ignorant opinion, I thought your speech was spot-on. Isn’t that what your guys wanted to hear? Not some blood-and-guts rah-rah-rah bullshit.
November 11th, 2009 at 6:25 pm
As another long time lurker/never commenter, and a senior at Sarah Lawrence (also in writing), I’ll just add to the comments here. Powerful, powerful stuff, and pretty heartrending as well. Thanks for your service.
November 11th, 2009 at 6:27 pm
Thank you for your service to our country Matt.
November 11th, 2009 at 6:42 pm
Thanks so much for serving. My grandfather was a Sherman gunner – and he never talked much about the war at all. Thanks for sharing your own story, it’s a very brave thing to do.
November 11th, 2009 at 6:51 pm
As a 23 year career/lifer (82-05), your words brought back millions of memories Thanks for your service, and please put me down for a copy of the book when you finish it.
November 11th, 2009 at 6:56 pm
Like others I’m a long-time reader but rarely comment, but just wanted to echo everyone’s sentiments and say thanks Matt for all you and your fellow soldiers have done for us. My best friend just finished his 2nd tour and he’s coming into town in late November, and I couldn’t be more excited to see him home and safe. You guys rock
November 11th, 2009 at 6:57 pm
Semper Fi devil
November 11th, 2009 at 7:05 pm
The United States Armed Forces: 1-4 since World War II.
November 11th, 2009 at 7:08 pm
I’m with everyone else here. Although I personally have never served I do have connections to those who have served and come back home and some others that were not as fortunate. An account like this pulls at the emotional strings of everyone and really makes you realize how much the people who serve our country mean to everything we do. Christ I’m bawling like a little bitch as I type this but yknow what.. fuck it.
Thank you for everything you have done for the people of this nation Matt as well as the other servicemen that have posted in the comments.
November 11th, 2009 at 7:11 pm
Caveman, thank you for everything you did for us.
..can I have your gloves?
November 11th, 2009 at 7:26 pm
Thanks for all that you’ve done, Matt. Thanks to all the veterans that risked or lost their life to protect all of us back home.
@Vikings 7-1 Blackout
Go fuck yourself, faggot. Learn something about history.
November 11th, 2009 at 7:48 pm
Fantastic work, Matt!
I will be first in the pre-order line for the book.
Thank you and all vets for your service.
November 11th, 2009 at 8:03 pm
“I don’t want to be thanked for what I did; I just want to be normal. I want my command of a tank company at age 25 to count as much as running an 80-person department when people look at my resume. I want employers to treat veterans like people with exceptional job experience, not as otherworldly beings who insanely took a different path. I don’t deserve pity or awe, and I don’t want one day of reverence followed by 364 days of nonchalance. I don’t want yellow ribbons on cars. I want every person to challenge himself or herself, to pursue a life they deem honorable, to make the most of the few short years they have on this planet. Those who have been to war know that it can reveal the worst of humanity. Strive to make it better.” –Ufford
Had to put it here as well to make sure everybody got a chance to see it, because that’s the realest shit you ever wrote.
November 11th, 2009 at 8:43 pm
long time reader/lurker, first time poster, but i have to give thanks to you and every armed forces member there has been, and this was a great write up…thank you for everything
November 11th, 2009 at 8:47 pm
Glad you made it back and thank you for your service. It makes me woozy to put myself in that situation.
November 11th, 2009 at 9:00 pm
Just discovered this site a few weeks ago and visit it frequently. I just got back from Iraq but thanks to guys like you, probably didn’t have the life-or-death experience you did. Great read. Keep up the awesome job here.
November 11th, 2009 at 9:15 pm
you sir are a brave man.I have always wondered how I would react in a situation knowing that I was going into battle in a few hours. I would like to think I would have handled it the way you did brother
November 11th, 2009 at 9:15 pm
Thank all of you that have served. Thank you for sharing.
November 11th, 2009 at 10:23 pm
I read these words and I feel like utter fucking shit that I never served and was never there for my country or a band of brothers like yours. When I was young enough and still healthy, I was a raging hippie liberal who could talk crap for hours about “human needs” and “corporate military subversion of the democratic process.” Democratic, in that sense, meaning “ganging up to demand more government money.”
When I was old enough to realize I’d spent my life on bullshit, my feet were shot (chronic plantar fascitis, unresponsive to treatment), my knees were shot, and I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder (I eat xanax like candy.) So I missed the boat there.
I know combat isn’t “fun”, glorious, or ennobling. My cousin Dickie came home from Vietnam more than a little nuts, and my father-in-law died from Parkinson’s disease that he got breathing in Agent Orange there.
But when you get to be a certain age, dying in bed of old age doesn’t sound that great either. I hope you value that time and the brotherhood you got to share.
November 11th, 2009 at 10:50 pm
Thank you for your service, sir. You and all who serve are the gold standard and are really the only righteous ones left in this country.
November 11th, 2009 at 10:57 pm
Another voice adding his thanks to you for your great service.
If anyone needs an uplift: Dogs welcoming back their soldiers – http://www.mentalfloss.com/blogs/archives/40324
November 11th, 2009 at 11:27 pm
This was an incredibly moving piece of writing about something I may never be able to truly understand. Thank you both for your service and for sharing the harder parts of it with us. Neither could have been easy.
Hope you enjoyed your day off; you deserved it.
November 11th, 2009 at 11:45 pm
Inspiring. Thank you.
November 12th, 2009 at 12:38 am
Thank you for your service and thank you for sharing your experience.
November 12th, 2009 at 2:12 am
I would be so pissed off if I was you and found out there actually wasn’t a just cause for risking all those lives.
November 12th, 2009 at 2:55 am
thanks for your service and for talking about it, i thought your speech was great. much better than my lt gave about kicking butt and god on our side, we figured he was nuts and would get us all killed.
November 12th, 2009 at 3:07 am
From an inactive nonrate to an inactive zero… (Once a Marine, always a Marine)
Semper Fi, Matt.
As a Cold Warrior, I’m glad I didn’t face combat. I’m also proud of the quality of men and women who are serving now.
Just remember that Lance Coolies are the backbone of the Corps…
TOW Plt, HQ Co 3rd Marines, 85-89.
—Jeff
November 12th, 2009 at 4:16 am
ill never understand war
November 12th, 2009 at 4:31 am
Well done Ufford.
November 12th, 2009 at 5:39 am
Damn Matt. Thanks for your service.
I am sitting here trying to decide which would take more balls: To do what you wrote about in that passage, or to share it. I am not a vet but it seems like both would be pretty fucking hard.
November 12th, 2009 at 8:18 am
Plus, IMHO and ignorant opinion, I thought your speech was spot-on. Isn’t that what your guys wanted to hear? Not some blood-and-guts rah-rah-rah bullshit.
Agreed. On the spectrum of “Generation Kill,” that was a whole lot more Sgt. Iceman, and none of Capt. America.
November 12th, 2009 at 11:11 am
Well done Matt. Thanks again for sharing a little bit of what it was like to be at war with all the thoughts that were going through your head. If it wasn’t for brave men (and women) like you we wouldn’t be able to do what we do on a daily basis. I think we sometime take that for granted but it’s good to be reminded about where our freedoms come from.
When the book is finished I’ll be sure to get one.
November 12th, 2009 at 11:27 am
I’m late to the party here, but had to chime in on the chorus. Thank you for sharing, Matt, and thanks to you and all other veterans for your service and sacrifice on our behalf.
November 12th, 2009 at 12:34 pm
From a long line of Marines, I say thanks, Uff. Semper Fi.
November 12th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
Thanks for servicing Caveman. We really do appreciate what you want though in service to our country. Thanks to everyone else serving too.
November 12th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
Happy belated 234th Caveman. Great read, lofty read.
November 12th, 2009 at 2:56 pm
Thanks for this. I don’t really know what else to say.
November 12th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
Best ever. Thank you, thank you, and thank you again. And yes, please finish that book.
November 12th, 2009 at 5:49 pm
*salute*
November 12th, 2009 at 7:06 pm
Awesome read. I got there about a year and a half after the first push and I can remember feeling the same way. Now, being out of the corps and in school, I understand how hard it is to write about this without diluting the experience with funny stories about the guys or dialing down the worst parts even though I know it doesn’t help anyone to do so. Thanks for this.
November 13th, 2009 at 1:06 am
LT: finish & publish the goddam book. You’re no longer a tank commander. You’re a fucking good writer. Fucking good writers are at their best when addressing subjects they know best. You know your war. Let the public know about it. Too few understand what’s happened there, why it’s important, or who’ve made it happened. They sure as shit won’t learn about it from the MSM. It’ll be your latest and best contribution to a war effort that sorely needs the help.
And it’ll get my head out of these fuckin air war college manuals.
With gratitude for your service and its remembrance,
Lt Col Derek Phillips, USAFR