I Will Not Be The Team Switchboard
Wade: Gosh dangit. We had to go and ruin a perfectly good four-game winnin’ streak by strollin’ into Green Bay and layin’ a darn egg! Ugh.
Well, guess I better get to work. We got those pesky Redskins comin’ in this week, and I know darn well they’ll be loaded for bear. I better study some tape. Except… aw hell, no one around. No need to get cracking just YET. Lemme just play one game of solitaire. Helps sharpen the ol’ noggin.
(opens up solitaire game)
Oh, that’s a lousy draw.
(resets the game 50 times)
Ah, much better. Now, to just drag these three aces up to the top…
(door flies open)
Jerry: YEEEEEHAW!!!! YEEEEEEEHAW!!!! YEE! HAW! DOUBLE GODDAMN YEEHAW! WELCOME TO THE JERRYDOME, FAT POWER!
Wade: Oh, crap.
Jerry: What you got there, Tubby? Little bit of solitaire? Ah, solitaire. OFFICIAL GAME OF FAT CRAPS THE WORLD OVER!
Wade: I just had this open as a goof, sir. I’m getting right to work. Honest.
Jerry: Oh, save it, Tubby. You just go right ahead playing your little game.
Wade: You mean, you aren’t mad? What’s going on? Why aren’t there horns comin’ out of your head? We got killed on Sunday.
Jerry: Haven’t you heard, lard shark? THIS IS THE NEW GODDAMN DOUBLE J! They said I couldn’t be patient! They said I’d kick your flabby ass to the curb the second things went wrong! BUT I’M NOT! AND YOU KNOW WHY?
Wade: Because stability is good for a football team?
Jerry: BAHAHAHAHAHAHA. No, no. Stability is for children and faggots! No, the reason I’m keeping you around is because, if I fire you now, I don’t get to fire you LATER! And firing you later is gonna be sooo much better, chubtard! I can hardly wait! I AM GONNA FIRE THE SHIT OUT OF YOU! I’m gonna sneak up behind you and ZAP YOUR FAT STEER HIDE WITH A GODDAMN CATTLE PROD!
Wade: Ugh.
Jerry: Now you listen to me, Fatass. You are my puppet. My big, fat, mushy puppet. And for the rest of the year, I’m gonna have my three-ringed hand right up your endless ass! You see that phone over there?
(points to giant red phone with two big J’s painted on it)
Wade: Yes.
Jerry: That’s your new Jerryline, you fat shit. Anytime that phone rings, you better pick it up. And you better do exactly what I say! OR ELSE I’LL FIRE YOUR ASS FOR CAUSE! If you want to see the balance of your contract, you better do EVERY GODDAMN THING I SAY! And I know you got a daughter who acts, so YOU NEED THE DOUBLE J’S CASH!
Wade: Sir, this hardly seems necessary…
Jerry: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP! You’re gonna get your fat on me! You just answer that goddamn phone any time I tell you to! AND IT MIGHT RING AT ANY TIME, SO YOU BETTER HAVE YOUR FAT ASS IN HERE ALL DAY AND NIGHT!
Wade: But who will run practice if I have to stay in the office all day long?
(door flies open)
Garrett: Hmm. Yes. Indeed. Methinks my portly companion here doth protest too much. Also, he doth EAT too much!
Jerry: BAHAHAHAHA! Good one, Princeton Boy!
Wade: Oh, shut up, you big jerk.
Garrett: Calm down, my good man. You just stay here in your little suite. I have a game plan that will make those little Redskins cower in fear! Do you know the secret? GOAL LINE PASSES! GOAL LINE PASS AFTER GOAL LINE PASS, AND ONLY TO OUR WORST RECEIVERS! They’ll never see it coming! And then, my good friend Jerry and I shall have a fine EATING. Would you like that, sir? We shall dine on scallops, and pumpkin soup, and other refined foods that would never cross the visage of Melville’s creation over yonder. OH, WHAT A FINE EATING IT SHALL BE!
Jerry: Good idea, Jason!
Wade: This is ridiculous. I can’t be expected to…
(Jerryline rings)
Wade: What the? (picks up) Hello?
Jerry: (on cell phone) YOU’LL DO AS WE SAY, BEARCLAW!
Wade: Oh, for Pete’s sake.
(door explodes into pieces, whose pieces then explode individually)
MBIII: JASON GARRETT! JASON MOTHERFUCKING GARRETT! WHERE’S THAT MOTHERFUCKING RED ASS HONKY?
Garrett: Oh, Marion! My dear friend! Will you be joining us for bruschetta and other fineries?
MBIII: BRUSCHETTA THIS, MOTHERFUCKER!
(puts Garrett in choke hold)
Garrett: Marion, I can’t breathe!
MBIII: I GOT A POP QUIZ FOR YOUR ASS, HONKY. HOW MANY TIMES DID MARION BARBER GET THE BALL ON SUNDAY?
Garrett: Oh, well I’m not quite sure. You see, my game plans are often so intricate, it can take hours of film study to discern…
MBIII: (chokes harder) FIVE! FIVE MOTHERFUCKING TIMES, YOU MOTHERFUCKING RETARD! WHO THE FUCK KEEPS THE BARBARIAN IN A CAGE?
Garrett: Bluhhhhhhhh!!!
Wade: Heh heh. Choke on THAT!
MBIII: SHUT UP, FATASS!
Wade: Yes, sir.
Jerry: Marion, what I think my boy JASON is telling you is that he has every intention of getting you the ball. Isn’t that right, Jason?
Garrett: Bluhhhhhhhh!!!
MBIII: Y’ALL BETTER GET MARION BARBER THE MOTHERFUCKING BALL. OR I WILL BURN YOUR WHITE ASS TILL IT’S BLACKER THAN MY ANCESTORS! DO YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND THE WORDS COMING OUT OF MY MOTHERFUCKING MOUTH?
Jerry: Yes! Yes, we do! In fact, we now have a system in place to ensure my boy ROMO gets you the ball! Watch! (calls Jerryline)
Wade: Hello?
Jerry: (on the phone) GIVE THE BALL TO BARBER, FATTY ICE!
Wade: Oh, for Pete’s sake.
MBIII: YOU BETTER CALL THAT MOTHERFUCKING PHONE 25 TIMES A GAME, JERRY JONES! YOU BETTER CALL MARION BARBER’S NUMBER, OR ELSE MARION BARBER WILL TEAR OUT YOUR MOTHERFUCKING TONGUE AND PUT HIS FOOT THROUGH YOUR MOUTH AND OUT YOUR FUCKING ASSHOLE!
(leaves)
Jerry: You heard the man! You sit by that phone all day, you fat cunt!
Wade: Oh, god dammit.
(phone rings)
Wade: What the?
(phone rings)
Jerry: Well, PICK IT UP, FATTERLINE!
(Wade picks up phone)
Pacman: CHUH CHUH. Iz diz da place I call fo da puzzy? Pacman need sum puzzy. BULLEE DAT. He gon shine. He gon smack dat puzzy till it luuk lik a dik. AND HE GON DRANK…
Wade: (hangs up) This sucks.
Jerry: YEEEEHAWWWW YOU BETTER ANSWER THAT PHONE, PIZZA BOY! OR ELSE YOU’LL BE COACHING GIRL’S VOLLEYBALL BY NEXT WEEK! WOOHOO! YEEHAW! GOD DAMN, YOU ARE FATTER THAN THE SUN! HOT DIGGITY GOD DAMN, I AM FUCKING CRAZY!!!!
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, fat people, operators, wade and jerry
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November 17th, 2009 at 10:24 am
I do miss the Double-J with the steer horns…….
November 17th, 2009 at 10:29 am
ENGLISH MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT?!
/Samuel L. Jackson III?
November 17th, 2009 at 10:30 am
BULLEE DAT.
such an eloquent philosophy has never been uttered.
November 17th, 2009 at 10:31 am
OR I WILL BURN YOUR WHITE ASS TILL IT’S BLACKER THAN MY ANCESTORS!
Thomas Jefferson is intrigued….
DO YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND THE WORDS COMING OUT OF MY MOTHERFUCKING MOUTH?
I didn’t know MB III could channel Bill Cosby? Well played BDD.
November 17th, 2009 at 10:32 am
Fatterline is the best one yet
November 17th, 2009 at 10:34 am
you’re going to get your fat on me.
my god.
November 17th, 2009 at 10:34 am
fucking brilliant
November 17th, 2009 at 10:37 am
BRUSCHETTA THIS, MOTHERFUCKER!
Good line. Great line. Lofty line.
No “Bill Belichick Press Conference”? *grumblegrumblegrumbleswearsvengeanceonpeypeygrumblegrumblegrumble*
November 17th, 2009 at 10:38 am
Wade: Heh heh. Choke on THAT!
Garrett: SHUT UP, FATASS!
Wade: Yes, sir.
Just wondering Drew, was Garrett supposed to say that or Barber? I need consistency and clarity in my fictional internet comedy sketches!
November 17th, 2009 at 10:39 am
Wait, you can reset solitare? Well, fuck me sideways…
November 17th, 2009 at 10:42 am
Y’ALL BETTER GET MARION BARBER THE MOTHERFUCKING BALL.
Preach!
November 17th, 2009 at 10:44 am
So much Win in this one:
(door explodes into pieces, whose pieces then explode individually)
Fatty Ice
Fatterline
classic!
November 17th, 2009 at 10:46 am
RE “HOT DIGGITY GOD DAMN”
I think I shall make this my new mantra.
November 17th, 2009 at 10:50 am
Fatty Ice! Goin’ to Sunday’s Cowboys/Redskins game. I can’t wait to steal some of these lines. If I’m sober enough to remember them.
November 17th, 2009 at 10:56 am
I feel so conflicted about these. On the one hand, I like it when the Cowboys win. On the other hand, when they win we don’t get Wade and Jerry. Well at least I am hedged.
November 17th, 2009 at 11:09 am
(door explodes into pieces, whose pieces then explode individually)
now THATS how a door flies open.
November 17th, 2009 at 11:25 am
“Stability is for children and faggots!”.
That would look great on a throw pillow
November 17th, 2009 at 11:28 am
Yeah, Marion, kill! Kill! Kill! Kill!
Big ol’ fat ass offensvie line can’t do anything but run block. Everybody knows this except for the one motherfucker who needs to know it.
November 17th, 2009 at 11:32 am
It’s about fucking time we had another Wade and Jerry. Nicely done, BDD.
November 17th, 2009 at 11:34 am
Stability is for children and faggots!
That had me damn near doubled over my desk…with my hand protecting my ass from the analrapists of course.
Bluhhhhhhhh
I wish MBIII really choked this shit outta Princeton Boy. I mean who the FUCK keeps passing the ball when you can sledgehammer the defense open with MBIII 20 times a game THEN go deep to Austin, Williams or Crayton?
/I’m going to choke Garrett my damn self this weekend.
November 17th, 2009 at 11:39 am
MBIII only had 5 carries? Good one Drew. *checks stats* 5 carries 26 yards. lolwut. nothing else.
November 17th, 2009 at 11:50 am
These posts are the only upside to a Cowboys loss. December should be entertaining.
November 17th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
“He gon smack dat puzzy till it luuk lik a dik.”
Holy shit! Fucking brilliant!
November 17th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
Someone had MBIII on his fantasy team…
November 17th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
Angry, violent MBIII is a lot less funny when he’s on your fantasy team and getting 3 points a game. Get healthy, you pussy. I’m not sure his bad numbers this year are Princeton boy or Fatass’s fault. Not to say the post isn’t funny.
By the way, turns out Peezy might be getting cut?
/size 72 font
THAT’S DISRESPECT!
/end size 72 font
November 17th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
Oh man I needed this. I like that you still bring pacman around as a worst case scenario. Pacmans’ priorities: Puzzy, DRANK, shine. CHUH CHUH, indeed.
November 17th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
Otter Says:
“These posts are the only upside to a Cowboys loss. December should be entertaining.”
I disagree. There are all kinds of upsides to a Cowboys loss.
November 17th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
ALERT! ALERT! PFT is reporting that Rex Ryan broke down and CRIED during a team meeting earlier this week because the Jets have been losing lately.
Can’t wait to see how fake Rex Ryan spins this one
November 17th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
Ok SSB, I wasn’t going to say anything. THAT SOULLESS GINGER FUCK cost me my week – because why the fuck would you run Marion the Barbarian from 1st and goal from the one? No, let your dipshit quarterback throw a pick. Good call fuckface. I wish fucking Wade Phillips would drown in a fucking bowl of Fatzo ball soup. Fuck that fat fuck.
/looks around awkwardly
November 17th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
Oh God, I am eagerly awaiting for the sketch with Ocho AND LJ now that the Bengals picked him up.
November 17th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
@ CPM-
The Ginger calls the plays. All Wade does is run the defense and somehow not slap the piss out of Ole Double J.
November 17th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
“other refined foods that would never cross the visage of Melville’s creation over yonder.”
OK I laughed out loud.
//Double-majored: English and Accounting
November 17th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
Ok Ghost, I’d like to revise my statement and say that I hope Gingerfucker drowns in a bowl of cabbage and potato soup. Thank you for showing me the light sir.
November 17th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
lol…yeah, poor Wade has enough on his plate…
November 17th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
I love that Pacman somehow got the number to the ole’ Double J’s fatline.
And only 5 carries for The Barbarian? Princeton Boy gets what he deserves.
November 17th, 2009 at 2:05 pm
Hey, coaching (*cough*college*cough*) women’s volleyball ain’t the worst fate on earth… and it would beat coaching the Browns!
November 17th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
Bluhhhhhhhh!!!
I can’t wait for the Rex Ryan crying post. And LJ going to the Bengals.
/enjoyed watching the Packers defense actually stop someone
/enjoying the delusional Cowboys fans in the comments
FEELS GOOD, MAN.
November 17th, 2009 at 3:04 pm
Holy fucking shit balls. Dick Jauron was fired.
November 17th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
Yes, Dick Jauron did just get fired. Fuck me. This is the first time Wade and the Double J broke a story for me.
November 17th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
Fatty Ice……. nuff said
November 17th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
KSK Rex Ryan or KSK Pacman? I can’t decide which one I like better.
November 17th, 2009 at 5:56 pm
Still bitching and making requests in the komments I see. Will you fuckers ever learn?
November 17th, 2009 at 5:59 pm
“Stability is for children and faggots!”
“I AM GONNA FIRE THE SHIT OUT OF YOU!”
Yep, that’s where I lost it. Bravo!
November 17th, 2009 at 6:03 pm
Damn, I was hoping for a ” door pushes open with least possible effort” So I could hear Roy explain why he can’t catch a goddamned ball and when he does, why can’t he hang on to it. That fail fingered fucktard.
November 17th, 2009 at 7:46 pm
I really miss this bit. Bravo.
November 17th, 2009 at 9:50 pm
Back with a vengeance! Thank you for making Dallas’ sucking tolerable and entertaining. I was wondering why I hadn’t seen one of these in a while and then I realized that Dallas has actually been kind of good. Oh yeah…
November 17th, 2009 at 9:51 pm
Rob Ryan for next head coach of the Dallas Cowboys.
November 17th, 2009 at 10:20 pm
Rob Ryan? The D Coordinator for the Browns? Rex Ryan maybe?
As a fellow Cowboys fan I ask that you do better than that. Better yet, just lurk.
November 18th, 2009 at 1:16 am
i prefer my jerry with a red face and horns.
best quote of the piece, “SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP! You’re gonna get your fat on me!
/sad Cowboys fan
November 18th, 2009 at 8:34 am
Tell Wade you don’t need to drag them. Double clicking will move the cards to the top.
/it’s true, I have no life
November 18th, 2009 at 10:18 am
yeeeeeeeeeeeeeee haaaaaaaaaw, get my boy romo out there against those redskin faggots
November 18th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
WOOHOO! YEEHAW! GOD DAMN, YOU ARE FATTER THAN THE SUN! HOT DIGGITY GOD DAMN, I AM FUCKING CRAZY!!!!
/brilliant, just brilliant
//head asplosion
November 18th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
Fucking awesome Drew. Especially loved the Melville and ancestors lines.
November 18th, 2009 at 6:58 pm
as a fellow cowboys fan can you blame me for lowering my expectations?
we’re not getting any of the big names and at least combining “a” ryan with double j would lead to some crazy crossover posts from BDD.