I hear yer lookin’ for a new football coach. Shoot fella, this is your lucky day. It just so happens that, after much careful reflection, I have decided to draw a curtain on my distinguished college coaching career and return to the scene of my greatest triumphs, the NFL!
Hey fella, you know what this league doesn’t enough of anymore? Zany coaches! When I was in the league, there was a place for a zany coach, now everyone is so durn serious all the time. But I got some good dad-gum news for you. You are gonna make me your new football coach and we are gonna turn this league on its dad-gum ear!
Looka me fella, I wear a cowboy hat. You know who just loves cowboys? Why kids, that’s who! Hire me as your next coach and your kid attendance will double in a season. Double or I eat this here Stetson. Kids love cowboys and I am the greatest cowboy the great state of Michigan has ever produced. We can even dress some of the coloreds up like Indians! It’ll be zany, I tell ya!
An’ I’m not just a cowboy! Imma tough guy, fella! I wear black! A tough guy who’s also a turd of a race car driver! And don’t forget zany, watch me dump this grape jelly in my trousers and do the Charleston! Ha-cha-cha! Boy howdy, that’s zany!
But of course, you’d have to be zany as a polecat to leave game tickets at will-call for Elvis Presley, but that’s what I do. Course, I gotta keep the act fresh. I’ll prolly leave tickets for Michael Jackson or mebbe John Kenneth Galbraith. Don’tcha think people will just eat that…
What’s that? You already hired a coach? Perry Fewell? Never heard of him? Well heck, fella, why dincha say so? Say, you reckon the Oilers need a coach?
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@Gino Tourettsa
You’re about almost everything. PGE isn’t that sucky, but the alignments are more suited for baseball and a Viking game seems like a graveyard after soccer season. But’s hear it for a pub mascot being an almost official school mascot.
Imagine Jerry Glanville AND the Sex Cannon in Houston.
I actually thought Jerry Glanville was dead.
Turns out, I was partially right.
And yes, she was homely. She played with the boys for a reason, she was borderline male.
@Skim172
“Right, because claiming rape on a no-name player with a no-name team is that profitable.”
Hnida claimed rape out of revenge because Barnett bounced her sorry ass. She was the third to accuse rape against the Colorado program. She later admitted it was fabricated. Get the facts, yes there was some raping going on, the student trainers were ordering strippers for the high school recruits on athletic money dime and other schenanigans were occuring. But there was two rape charges that were dropped when the women finally admitted to lying, the Hnida case, and the lady that accused true freshman Colt Brennan, which led to him getting bounced from the program. And FYI, I am not a Colorado fan.
If it’s clear and yellow, you’ve got juice there, fella! If it’s tangy and brown, you’re in cider town!
Hnida was never raped, she was just piling on.
Right, because claiming rape on a no-name player with a no-name team is that profitable. And for the record, she was not the first person to be a horrible player for the Lobos and she won’t be the last.
And I dunno if it’s just the pics I’ve seen, but she was pretty damn homely. Not a hunchback, but you wouldn’t want to have to look at her for too long.
@Ken Gryphon Jr.:
“Wasn’t Neuheisel the coach before that, the one who wrecked that situation with the female kicker?”
I believe you have Neuheisel confused with Gary “Rape Stand” Barnett. He never met a recruit that he couldn’t get laid, whether the girl was up to it or not.
Portland State, while a pretty good school, doesn’t seem like Jerry Glanville’s kind of place. It’s on a boring commuter campus. The stadium, a mile or so away, sucks. The students actually study. The PSU Vikings use the Minnesota Viking’s logo, but have a green, black and white color scheme. Instead of shortening “Vikings” to “Vikes”, they shorten it to “Viks”. And the city of Portland has a long-held suspicion for the Run & Shoot.
Yeah Rex Ryan cried in front of his team, but that’s just because Mangold took the last 15 donuts.
Jerry Glanville’s secret coaching weapon: Trolls. And weapons.
Hnida was never raped, she was just piling on. And for the record, she became the first female to ever miss an extra point in a male game for the New Mexico Lobos. And later on, she became the first female to make an extra point when they played UCLA in the Vegas Bowl. Once again confirming Vegas as the place where strange shit happens.
I went to Portland State, and he actually made them worse. My granddad and I went to a PSU game a few weeks and we left partway through, which is the first time we’ve done that in decades of crap football.
Jerry, this is the N-F-L…and for you, that means Not Fucking Likely. College guy.
/hates college guys.
Glanville is what it would look and sound like if Jerry Jones ate Bobby Bowden.
@Ken G. that was gary barnett. neuheisel was covering up assaults, rapes, and murders by UW football players at the time.
@ Barren: Jimy Williams! Too awesome to have 2 “M”s in his name.
It was Katie Hnida. And she’s not terrible looking, which I assume would be the top requirement for female football players. She somehow managed to make a career out of being raped by a football team without even selling videos! Actually, someone needs to sit Al davis down with a copy of Wildcats, and convince him that Katie would make an excellent head coach. Or Goldie Hawn. She’d be at least as good as Art Shell.
@Ryno: it’s Hnida, and you’re right. It was Barnett, and it was awful.
Before that was Neuheisal, who left CU for Washington in the middle of the night. Much happiness was derived from him getting canned for violating NCAA rules, no matter how stupid.
Considering the College to Pros coaching success rate is, generally speaking, shit, I’d rather have Jim Caldwell’s Taco Tuesday Shit than this guy.
/will trade Jim Caldwell’s Taco Tuesday Shit for a 3rd and a 5th rounder
//immediately gets call from the Raiders
This reminds of the time my Red Sox had this manager who talked with a slow drawl and screwed up an important game. WAAAA!!!!
If you can’t turn Portland State around, what can you do?
@Ken Gryphon Jr – that was Gary Barnett. The female player was Katie Gnyda (sp?) and she was a kicker.
When asked if there was an abuse situation by the press – Gary Barnett responded by saying “Let me be very clear on this – Katie Gynda was a horrible football player!!!”
Could have been handled better.
Al Davis absolutely NEEDS to hire this man immediately. He can fix all the Raiders’ problems! Overnight! And just check out his forty* time!
*They should do a separate combine event to see how quickly a player can drink a forty.
Jerry Glanville: The Talent Has Left the Building
@ UU: Wasn’t Neuheisel the coach before that, the one who wrecked that situation with the female kicker? Colorado is a hotbed for ridiculous…
Setting: Atlanta Falcons training camp. Suwannee, GA 1992
Glanville: Say – you know what would be a good idea? Let’s invite MC Hammer to come and speak to the team this year. That will get them focused!
(later)
Hammer: Ahhh yeah Falcons! Get buk, get buk! Getbukgetbukgetbuk!
Glanville: Good speech! We’ll make sure to allow you to stand on the sidelines. That way you won’t be a distraction to our team!
(later)
Glanville: Fuck – we lost to the 49′ers by 38 points…again? What went wrong?
(scene)
@Ken, or Dan Hawkins from Colorado. It’s Division 1 football! Go play intramurals, brother.
@ UU: I want Mike Gundy from OSU so bad.
I’m a man! I’m 40!
Jebus that’s a lot of typos, but funny none the less.
Jebus that’s a lot of typos, but funny none the less.
Yeah, that was terrible. Sorry ’bout that.
Come on Bills…hire this man and join the Jets in the AFC East Terrible and Entertaining Club!
I have to believe Texas Tech’s Mike Leach becoming a head coach in the NFL would be a dream come true for KSK.
The greatest coaching staff in all of Football history was when Jerry and June Jones were running the show at Hawaii. I lost hope in life when Glanville broke away for the Portland Job.
Jerry and the Double-J. Make it happen, Drew.