Fun With… Bill Simmons?
We get a lot of requests every week to do FJM-style breakdowns of Bill Simmons’ columns. We largely avoid this because A) Peter King is more fun to poke fun at, B) It takes about seven seconds before Simmons trolls pop into the post and tell you what a HATURRRRRR you are, C) We have Tommy from Quinzee around to serve as proxy for all our Simmons mocking.
So usually we resist. But Holy God, did you SEE this column? Sweet buttermilk titties, it’s terrible. It’s awful. It’s the smuggest smug that’s ever smugged. And it deserves your unbridled scorn in full. Let’s begin…
You may not have noticed. You may not have cared. Hell, you may have thought it was a weekly typo. But through the first six weeks of the 2009 NFL season, your buddy Simmons was enjoying a career year with his picks column.
Fifty-eight wins, 32 losses. Against the spread.
I can’t tell you how happy this made me.
Good for you. Now why in the living FUCK do I care? ZOMG! Someone who likes gambling on sports is on a decent run! That almost makes up for the fivefold number of losing runs they’ve had! IT’S GAMBLING SCIENCE!
I spend more time on this column than you can possibly imagine. It takes me three-and-a-half days to write. I watch every minute of football on Sunday and Monday.
Get the fuck out. You watch football on Sunday and Monday? NO ONE ELSE COULD POSSIBLY BE THAT HARDCORE.
I scour newspapers and TV shows searching for tidbits.
Like that time the Boston Globe published the full rosters of every team. You can’t get that kind of info anywhere else.
I spend two full days writing material, making picks and flipping games around every which way. Three years ago, I even turned my office into a man cave and added four televisions just so I could watch as much football as possible.
Oh, do you not have four TV’s in your man cave? Are you not able to watch the games with Tony Dungy on the Football Night in America set? Oh, then you, poor commoner, simply can’t see the game the way Bill does.
Why did this mean so much? First, I am overcompetitive to a fault. Second, I have been writing this column for 13 years and always felt like there was some magical formula that kept eluding me; if I kept plugging away, eventually everything would make sense.
Stop. Stop immediately. What are you, six?
THERE MUST BE A FORMULA. If I simply find the magic key hidden in a secreted portal in the Pinewood Forest, ALL SHALL BE REVEALED. Take these runes, good sir. Take these runes and place them in a hat. Stare into that hat and soon, the magic formula for picking football games that are inherently unpredictable will come to you, and WE SHALL ALL BE RICH. RICH AS MORMONS.
And third, it’s humiliating to have a lousy picks record in a nationally read column. During the 2006 and 2007 seasons, you might even remember the Sports Gal finishing with a better record than me, and she only knows Brett Favre as the dude from “There’s Something About Mary.” That degradation kicked me into another gear. I had to do better. Things turned last year and finally took off this season. Again, 58-32 through six weeks.
And now you’ll never lose again! EVER! You’ve cracked the code!
Was it just blind luck? Not exactly.
No. Exactly. It was luck.
You might remember my “Simbotics” column from 2004, when I tried to determine a science for picking games in the first few weeks. Bookies are terrified of that stretch for this reason: There’s no ironclad way to distinguish good teams from the bad teams yet. Check out these five lines from Week 2 in 2009.
PACKERS (-9) Bengals
TITANS (-6.5) Texans
EAGLES (PK) Saints
JAGS (-3.5) Cardinals
BRONCOS (-3.5) Browns
Here’s how those lines would have looked if Vegas could re-do those lines after seeing the first seven games of the season:
PACKERS (-3) Bengals
Texans (-4.5) TITANS
Saints (-6) EAGLES
Cardinals (-4.5) JAGS
BRONCOS (-13.5) Browns
Those five lines swung by a combined 40 points. Yowza. This is why bookies hate the first few weeks.
That’s great insight there, until you realize that bookies simply set the line according to how the public bets, and the general public knows exactly as much about how the season will play out as bookies do. So, if everyone loved the Broncos in Week 2, the line on the Broncos would have been higher to get even betting. WHEE! Oh, but Bill KNEW the Broncos would be good, which makes him SMAHHHHTAH than Vegas! Except for when he picked the Rams to be his sleeper team that one year and was wrong. Or when he picked Atlanta to be his sleeper team one year and was also wrong.
But hey, let’s pause here for the Miller Lite Great Call of the Week…
It’s time for the Miller Lite Call of The Week, where I either praise a call I loved or defend a call thought to be previously indefensible.
This week, I’m giving it to myself…
Jesus fucking Christ.
…for a prediction that hasn’t come true yet … but definitely will.
But didn’t.
You already know how great the “Giants-Eagles in the day, Yanks-Phils Game 4 at night” scenario on Sunday is… Anyway, is there any doubt — I mean, ANY? — that whatever happens in the first game will determine the second game?
Yes, there is doubt, because they are separate sporting events that have nothing to fucking do with one another. Hence, the Eagles won, and the Phillies lost. HOW CAN THIS BE? THE COSMIC FORCE THAT BINDS US ALL TOGETHER HAS BEEN BROKEN FOREVERMORE.
Lock it down.
And then unlock it, because that prediction was both stupid and wrong. Back to the column…
My picks record took off only because I correctly assessed the values of those 11 teams, save for one or two misfires. (The Broncos and Saints alone finished 11-0 against the spread in those first six weeks.) Of course, had I been wrong about half of those teams, or more than half of those teams, I would have gotten crushed. Simbotics rewards people who are stubborn and lucky. This year, I got lucky.
So your picks panned out because of luck. Glad you established that mere paragraphs after saying it had nothing to do with luck.
By Week 7 (last weekend), Simbotics had played out, the lines had adjusted and I was on my own. This made me nervous. With so many bad 2009 teams, Vegas was jacking the lines to absurd heights hoping to rope in some underdog money. This made me more nervous. But you know what made me the most nervous? Dozens of readers sending me e-mails that looked something like this:
“Awesome job with the picks this year! I’m riding you this weekend.”
MY READERS THINK I’M AWESOME AND WANT TO BE JUST LIKE ME!
Here’s what I wanted to send back: “No! No! Don’t ride me! Get off! GET OFF! RIGHT NOW!”
I’m too awesome for you! Stay away! I have four TV’s in my man cave and you don’t!
I call this the Ace Mush Corollary. During Sunday football, our friend Ace has a few established habits.
Ace, if you didn’t know, is Adam Carolla. Because Bill has dozens of awesome famous friends with even awesomer nicknames. Hey, have you guys met my buddy Pussyroper? He’s the BEST. (HINT: He’s actually Vincent Kartheiser!)
You can count on him to kill it in this scenario: a few of us deciding to wager on the same team in a late game — say, the Patriots — followed by Ace overhearing this action, then saying to everyone’s chagrin, “Yeah, yeah, I like the Patriots, too, I think I want in on that one.” Every time it happens, you can actually SEE the money flying away. It’s unbelievable. He’s the mush of mushes. We have seriously considered pretending to bet Team A but really taking Team B, then hoping Ace will “join us” on Team A for a classic reverse jinx.
Here’s the point: Last weekend, some of my bad-luck readers combined to pull an Ace Mush on me.
You see, fair reader? It’s YOUR fault that Bill’s prescient picks didn’t come to pass. Please stop ruining his expertise by getting your bad luck herpes on him.
I was doing a little too well.
I’m clearly WAYYYY too awesome.
And they were sitting there going, “Yeah, yeah, Simmons is doing good, I think I want in on his picks this week.” By doing nothing other than successfully executing my job, I became aligned with people who had such bad luck gambling that they said to themselves, “This week, I’m going to trust Bill Simmons, a guy who lost to his wife in 2006 and 2007.”
I’m innocent in all this! I was just sitting there, being my usual genius self, when these dickhead readers had to come in and mooch off me! YOU’VE RUINED THE MAGIC FORMULA, WHICH IS ADMITTEDLY BASED ON SHEER LUCK.
It’s a shame, seeing as how Bill finally figured out the foolproof way to bet on NFL games and totally isn’t going to lose to his wife in picks this year, especially since he no longer publishes his wife’s picks.
In a related story, I suffered my most frustrating week of the season. The Texans blew a 21-0 lead at home because they couldn’t stop Alex Smith and Vernon Davis — that’s right, Alex Smith and Vernon Davis!!!!! — settling for an unsatisfying push. The Vikings choked away a winnable game in Pittsburgh by giving the Steelers’ defense two touchdowns, including a spread-covering one off a deflected screen pass as Minnesota drove for the winning score with three minutes to play. And Miami blew a 24-3 lead to New Orleans, then inexplicably stopped pounding the ball in the fourth and let its lousy receivers decide the game (and they did).
That’s how 9-4 becomes 6-6-1. Bad luck.
It’s also how 9-4 became 9-4 to begin with. But no, let’s go by your theory that your magic formula, which did not involve luck, was helped by luck, and then ruined by the contagious bad luck of others. You know what’s not lucky? HOW INCREDIBLY KNOWLEDGABLE BILL SIMMONS IS ABOUT THE GAME OF FOOTBALL. Even though the Steelers earned both those defensive touchdowns by stripping Favre on the first one and executing flawless return blocking for both scores. Stop making Bill look bad, Steelers, and readers, and everyone who doesn’t make the outcome of games play out the way they ought to! THE PICKS WERE RIGHT! THE GAME IS FLAWED! LUCK SHOULD STOP PROVING ME WRONG.
Anyway, here’s my request for the next few weeks: If you have bad luck, stay away from “borrowing” my 2009 picks.
They’re mine! I only publish them so that you may admire them!
Don’t be the cooler of my column. Let me see if I can keep banging out 10-4 and 11-5 marks every week without you attaching a black cat to my ankles. If you have bad luck and are joining forces with me, that means other people with bad luck are doing the same. How do you think that’s turning out for all of us? Badly. Poorly. Tragically. It wasn’t that I lost on Brett Favre’s line-drive screen pass that ricocheted off Chester Taylor’s face at 200 mph last week, or the fact that Miami’s receivers dropped so many balls against the Saints that I tweeted, “Ted Ginn Jr. finally gives us the answer for what it would be like if someone played WR without arms.” It’s that I absolutely knew dopey things like that would submarine my Week 7. And I knew this because I knew my readers were pulling an Ace Mush on me.
Now, you might think this is the douchiest paragraph ever written. But don’t worry, people. You see, Bill is only JOKING with this whole business. He has a very active sense of humor. He’s only ACTING like a pompous ass, and that’s funny!
Stay away from my Week 8 quick picks. Hands off. Please don’t let them sway you in any way. Thank you. Here they are.
Ooooh! Let’s steal them anyway! THEY’RE TOO GOOD TO RESIST!
Broncos (+3.5) over RAVENS
Wrong.
BILLS (+3.5) over Texans
Wrong.
Browns (+13) over BEARS
Wrong.
Dolphins (+3) over JETS
Correct.
COLTS (-12.5) over Niners
Wrong.
COWBOYS (-9.5) over Seahawks
Hate laying this many points with Dallas
Correct, and yet still kind of wrong.
Rams (+3.5) over LIONS
Correct.
Giants (-1) over EAGLES
Wrong.
CHARGERS (-16.5) over Raiders
Wrong.
Jags (+3) over TITANS
Wrong.
CARDINALS (-10) over Panthers
Wrong.
SAINTS (-11) over Falcons
Wrong. But it was a garbage cover! Points shouldn’t count if you’re trying to come back!
Vikings (+3) over PACKERS
Correct. That’s a 4-9 record for the week. GASP! You BET just like Bill, didn’t you? Admit it! You ruined EVERYTHING. It’s just bad luck for Bill you had to go do that. Nothing but bad luck that in no way dilutes his awesomeness. I bet his bookie returns that money out of respect.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, don't expect it regularly, FJM style, fun with bill simmons, stick with basketball fella
![[badge]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/themes/default/images/100121_FOXmsnBadge_200x50.gif)
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:21 am
Did my wife tell you to post the “don’t expect it regularly tag”?
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:22 am
WE SHALL ALL BE RICH. RICH AS MORMONS.
Whoa, let’s not get carried away here.
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:28 am
Damn i guess my ace mush of betting the mortgage on simmons picks hurt him more than me. His record is bad . . . damn.
/goes back to sleep under the bridge in a cardboard box.
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:28 am
Sorry for sinking you Bill, I coulnd’t resist using your awesome picks. Now, back to more important Simmons-esque subject matter, if we were to remake “Taxi”, which modern actors would you cast?
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:35 am
no, that couldn’t have written by simmons. not nearly enough pop culture and 80s movie references. must have been done by one of his interns or editors, and they tried hard to match his level of pompousness, but that’s too hard of a feat.
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:35 am
i love 90% of what the guy does…..but christ when he mails shit in he mails it in hard. Granted if you were puppeted around a media tour for a week when normally your only responsibility is to talk to your friends and pump out one decent length column a week, you’d probably be a little off. But regardless this was shit. Kudos Drew and I hope this comment was long enough to print out and read while shitting.
/complains about refs
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:35 am
Simmons is the first person ever to take a shit while being interviewed by Ric Bucher
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:36 am
Yes, there is doubt, because they are separate sporting events that have nothing to fucking do with one another. Hence, the Eagles won, and the Phillies lost. HOW CAN THIS BE? THE COSMIC FORCE THAT BINDS US ALL TOGETHER HAS BEEN BROKEN FOREVERMORE.
This breaks the “A city has collective power of the fates of their team” tenant that is the retarded essence of Bill’s being.
YOAH INFLUENCE IS INFERIAH TO OWAH INFLUENCE!
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:37 am
I bet against the fuckwad this week. MANY MONIES.
/don’t be the cooler of me betting against him. stay away, mushmaster generals.
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:37 am
I love Simmons and even I walked away from that column going “Holy Hell, arrogant prick.” He should probably not turn in columns he writes on x-country plane flights after a week of drinking and book signing. This was his version of Jordan’s Hall of Fame speech…
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:39 am
Perfect – I’m going against Simmons this week in my wagerin’
I figure the Yanks with the WS and he goes under .500 in his picks for the second straight week. Should be enough to give him cancer and that’s what I’m shooting for.
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:39 am
That fucker only picked the Giants hoping that would result in a Yankee loss. I remember the first Bills-Cowboys Super Bowl. The Sabres lost to the Dallas Stars. I thought for sure the Bills would beat the Cowboys after that hockey game. What a fuck wit.
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:43 am
# of “Slutty Brett Favre’s” I saw this Halloween (counting the real one and myself) …. (-3)
Correct
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:43 am
The Steelers and Penguins have something to say about cosmic forces.
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:44 am
Screw the HATURS. This fisking made my week. More, please!
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:47 am
Apparently, Simmons tweeted this morning that he’d trade a Pats’ Super Bowl for the Yanks to choke to the Phils. I say that’s grounds for removal of your fan-card, fucko. Pathetic.
/goes back to following Simmons, Marioti and Kornheiser twitter feeds
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:48 am
Wow, I even stopped reading a tear-down of a Simmons article half way through.
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:50 am
Whoever thought of a column making fun of another of a column is a genius.
I love it.
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:56 am
“Apparently, Simmons tweeted this morning that he’d trade a Pats’ Super Bowl for the Yanks to choke to the Phils.”
Perfect example of Boston fans being the biggest douche bags on the planet.
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:57 am
Bill obviously needs some love from Favre’s groin.
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:57 am
How the fuck is that man anything but a Sandwich Artist?
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:58 am
I knew the Steelers would win SB XL after I watched Georgetown beat Duke in a non-conference game earlier that day. It had nothing to do with geography and everything to do with my growing up near Pittsburgh and going to Georgetown for four years. IT WAS COSMIC.
Also, “sweet buttermilk titties” will now replace “sweet fancy Moses” in my lexicon of exclamations. Thanks, Drew.
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:58 am
This was highly unanticipated and very enjoyable post. Someone should consider doing more of these …
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:00 am
I think, given his national book tour, Simmons isn’t editing the uberdouche out of his columns. He’s just rambling on and letting the Tawmmy come through.
And STOP PICKING MY SAINTS Bill! You’re the reason they almost lost!
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:01 am
Why only blame the last two weeks on his readers? Couldn’t he extend this premise to say his stupid mushy readers have been responsible for his years and years of horrible NFL picks? NO ONE DENIES THIS!
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:02 am
Whoever thought of a column making fun of another of a column is a genius.
l o l w u t
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:02 am
He and Jon Stewart do that same douchy thing where they get super serious, but if you call them on something they got wrong, the answer is “whaaaat I do comedy for a living!”
I like both of them, but it gets annoying.
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:02 am
for the three or so of you who said you actually like to read the shit this dude puts out……REALLY?
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:08 am
Yeah but Stewart is actually funny and Simmons doesn’t really believe that.
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:15 am
“Perfect example of Boston fans being the biggest douche bags on the planet.”
This is coming from a Yankee fan – pot meet kettle.
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:19 am
Brilliant.
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:21 am
@Rocco
Explain the Pirates.
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:25 am
Did a major newspaper just pay that man for a column about how well he was doing with his picks this year? And Bill, please don’t worry, I have no desire to “ride you” you high voiced weasel faced mother fucker.
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:25 am
The vinegar and water literally cascaded out of my monitor and stained my shirt after reading that pick’s column…something had to be done…well played, Drew…
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:28 am
Aside from the never ending NBA columns, any attempt to “analyze” baseball, Vegas doesn’t know what they are doing, reverse jinx jinxing jinxes, references to his spoiled bitch of a wife, killing his 4-year old dog, name dropping, and constant job searching, he’s marginally entertaining.
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:31 am
I’ll admit to being a Simmons reader too… not shocking since I live in Boston. You just need to filter out the bullshit, which there is plenty of.
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:32 am
RE “First, I am overcompetitive to a fault.”
Whenever someone says/writes something like this, I always hear/see this: “First, I am a giant asshole.”
I just replace any form of the word “competitive” with the word “asshole.” 99% of the time, it is entirely accurate. Or “overaccurate.”
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:32 am
Ehh, if Simmons doesn’t talk about Dork Elvis, I’m not reading it.
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:32 am
You know, at first I was going to bitch and moan about how crappy a post this is and how it’s just more jealous nut hanging, then I saw this on Simmons’ Twitter:
“Would I give up a Pats Super Bowl this season to see the Yanks choke away the ‘09 World Series? (Thinking) Yes. Yes I would.”
Really Simmons? You’re so much of a self-centered douche that you’re willing to give up one of your titles IN A DIFFERENT SPORT so that another team’s fanbase can’t rub it in your face? Congratulations, you’re the asshole that ruins the experience for every other fan.
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:33 am
“This year, I got lucky”
yeah, right….
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:34 am
So the Pats already won the Super Bowl this year? And he’s giving that up?
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:35 am
YAN-KEES SACK! YAN-KEES SACK! MUSH-ES SACK! MUSH-ES SACK!
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:36 am
Wow i would kill to see one of these for an Easterbrook column, though they’re so long it’s a lot to ask
AND YEA, VERILY IT CAME TO PASS
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:37 am
@ SportsCentre: My biggest complaint about Stewart. That said, I too would happily trade a Patriots Super Bowl for a Yankee collapse.
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:40 am
Nicely done Drew. Simmons really is an annoying fuck who’s too much of a prima donna to allow comments on his columns, but he’s not bad when it comes to basketball, he just doesn’t know shit in regards to any other sport…especially football. Also, if he would check the ESPN website he would notice there are thousands of people with a better record than his in the Pigskin Pick ‘Em. If you need someone else to tell you how to bet on a game, you shouldn’t be wagering in the first place.
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:41 am
Boston fans: Lovable underdogs until they turned into douchey frontrunners.
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:42 am
Bill Simmons makes Peter King look like Grantland Rice…and I wish they’d die in the gay lover-murder/suicide pact real soon.
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:43 am
[i]Perfect example of Boston fans being the biggest douche bags on the planet.[/i]
Steelers Nation would like a word with you.
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:44 am
this is actually a very good post if you just read the parts in bold
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:44 am
Pats’ Superbowl vs. Yankees’ choke. Good bet. Lofty bet. Insane bet. The Pats ran it up against 2 of the 4 worst teams in NFL history, let’s not start planning duck boat victory tours just yet. I mean jeebus Bill, have you seen the Colts and Saints play on any of your four fucking tvs (and what a douche for bragging about this)? The fetus-face and the surgeon are going to lay waste to the Pats in the next few weeks.
/Can’t say I wouldn’t mind another good Yankees’ choke though. JackO’s tears would be so refreshing.
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:45 am
I wouldn’t trade any of the Cowboys’ Super Bowl titles for my kids in a ransom situation, let alone just to stick it to some other douchebag fans.
/doesn’t really have the power to make that trade
//sorry kids
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:45 am
@ax is back: TMQ is the worst of all these shitheads because he goes above and beyond Simmons in thinking he’s smarter than every single player on the field.
And as they kicked a mincing fraidy cat field goal, I wrote in my notebook, “game over”!
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:51 am
I’ll admit I’m a Simmons fan, but that’s largely because I’m a Boston fan and I relate to a lot of the articles he writes about Boston teams. His NFL picks articles are generally pretty douchey, but not quite as douchey as his NBA columns in which he claims to have some clairvoyant basketball knowledge, despite never having played basketball at a high level. His podcasts are generally entertaining though.
I can’t understand why you’d read him if you weren’t a Boston fan, although he’s not as bad as some other writers out there (Reilly, Easterbrook, King, Hill, etc.).
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:52 am
and then my 10 year old spencer remarked “zone blitz, why don’t they audible to a run up the middle?”
AND THE FOOTBALL GODS CHORTLED MIGHTILY
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:57 am
Also, I’m rooting for the Phillies, sure… but the Yankees winning would not ruin my day in any way. I’ve always thought people getting all pissy about whether ANOTHER team wins or loses is pretty fucking pathetic.
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:57 am
This now confirms that my 11 year old sister has more journalism skills than Bill Simmons.
However this was a pretty decent read so keep it up
November 3rd, 2009 at 12:03 pm
I bet PK is the one bogarting Bill’s picks. IT’S ALL COMING TOGETHER!
November 3rd, 2009 at 12:09 pm
“I know you are but what am I?”
“A garbage cover!”
“Takes one to know one!”
November 3rd, 2009 at 12:20 pm
I think i read somewhere that this has been the easiest year to pick against the spread in the NFL in the last 25 years. Its not just you Simmons. The ENTIRE GAMBLING PUBLIC is having a good year.
November 3rd, 2009 at 12:22 pm
I read this from one of my 16 laptops while massaging my prostate.
November 3rd, 2009 at 12:34 pm
I actually like Simmons (lolbahston) but this column sucked hard. Simmons is at least sometimes entertaining while he’s being self-important, unlike assholes like Easterbrook and PK. Why are almost all football columnists terrible? I don’t know.
November 3rd, 2009 at 12:40 pm
I’d like to see Yankees stadium collapse on top of the Patriots. And Simmons.
/Yep, these are my genital warts.
November 3rd, 2009 at 12:44 pm
Here’s the thing I’ve noticed about Simmons since he started doing his podcast: He’s not very smart and doesn’t really have a great sense of humor. It really comes across when he interviews someone who actually IS smart and/or funny.
November 3rd, 2009 at 12:48 pm
I knew he was trying to go hard with his picks because his wife emasculated him two years in a row with her vast knowledge of everything not football related. Bill go to your wife and ask for your balls back because you sound like a whiny wittle bi-yatch.
He seriously would give back a Pats SB for a Yankees choke? So I guess when the Yankees win tomorrow night, he’ll say that his reverse jinx caused it to happen and he’s a genius and the Yankees should thank him for his luck. What a retarded fuckwit.
/baseball talk was only to prove my point
//Simmons actually makes Dane Cook tolerable
November 3rd, 2009 at 12:49 pm
As a Yankees fan I will say that if a Yankee collapse means that Simmons winds up getting gang-raped in a parking garage over unpaid gambling debts, I will shoot CC Sabbathia in the leg myself
November 3rd, 2009 at 12:50 pm
I used to read his columns, but then I heard his voice, and I realized that I can’t respect anyone’s opnions that sounds like that.
Also, I don’t give a shit about the Celtics.
November 3rd, 2009 at 12:54 pm
Did you know that we finally let Jon Hamm into our football pool? If we had known he would have become famous, he would have been in it years ago, but he wasn’t famous enough then.
Now I’ve got to call my buddy Jack-O and complain about Theo Epstein using the same analytical methods this season to build the Red Sox as he did during the previous world championships since the team isn’t fun and won’t win because it isn’t loose like the Yankees.
November 3rd, 2009 at 12:55 pm
Three and a half days to write picks column + only column that he writes all week = three and a half days per week of ego masturbation.
Not only is Drew funnier and pastier, but he could jerk circles around Sports Guy.
/there’s a disturbing image
November 3rd, 2009 at 1:02 pm
I read this Saturday and decided I was done with Simmons. I know it might have been about 3 years too late, he’s “lost his fastball”, and all that……..but I still enjoyed his football columns.
Now, when he has done nothing but shamelessly plug his crappy book to his readers and then blamed those readers for something they have nothing to do with……..Bill can go fuck himself.
November 3rd, 2009 at 1:07 pm
Speaking of FJM-style, when are you going to publish the Peter King email?
November 3rd, 2009 at 1:32 pm
Jesus, I never realized there were this many Boston fans on KSK.
/go fack yourself.
November 3rd, 2009 at 1:33 pm
Maybe I’m thinking too much, but I thought the column was a funny take on the mind of a gambler. If he’s even being halfway truthful, then Simmons seems to spend a large amount of time and money on gambling. So, it’s reasonable to think that he’d actually believe in this stuff. It’s very much consistent with his overall gambling philosophy for him to start to grasp at some really weird straws when making/ defending picks.
Drew – If bookies set the lines according to how the public bets, how can the public bet without first establishing the ‘line’?
/chicken or egg?’d
/actually, that’s kind of a serious question. Do you know the answer?
November 3rd, 2009 at 1:33 pm
@Sportscentre: When was Jon Stewart wrong?
Oh, and fuck Bill Simmons with a shovel.
November 3rd, 2009 at 1:37 pm
I recently heard that Jenna Haze is a big fan of wagerin’ on NFL games. Hence I have started my column offering my best picks ……
I am just hoping she decides to ride me.
November 3rd, 2009 at 1:46 pm
Oh and, I would trade the ‘27 Yankees WS championship, the Bobby Thompson homer, and let’s see .. how about the Buckner error in exchange for a 757 landing nose first in this assholes man cave.
November 3rd, 2009 at 1:46 pm
Wait a minute. He’s re-doing the lines for Week 2 based on what we’ve seen after Week 7? What the fuck? It makes so little sense, my head hurts.
November 3rd, 2009 at 1:50 pm
“No! No! Don’t ride me! Get off! GET OFF! RIGHT NOW!”
“This year, I got lucky”
Sounds rapey
November 3rd, 2009 at 2:09 pm
Where did those numbers come from when he “updated” the lines of five Week 2 games? Did he make them up and then treat them as fact? If so, why stop at 40 points? By my calculations, those lines should have changed by a combined 2 million points.
Miami’s receivers dropped so many balls against the Saints that I tweeted, “Ted Ginn Jr. finally gives us the answer for what it would be like if someone played WR without arms.”
I hate this. “Hey, I wrote this quip a few days ago, but I love it so much I’m going to use it again because I am a douche.”
November 3rd, 2009 at 2:18 pm
“Hey, I wrote this quip a few days ago, but I love it so much I’m going to use it again because I am a douche.”
in fairness, this is almost exactly what Drew just did. of course I’m letting it slide because this POS column needed to be taken down about a million pegs and there’s no better man alive for the job (well, now that Ken Tremendous is no longer interested in it).
November 3rd, 2009 at 2:41 pm
@ babysexcannon
how did drew do this exact same thing?
November 3rd, 2009 at 2:43 pm
Ugh. “Man Cave” is a douchebag term used by douchebags who take their cues for masculinity from douchebag pop culture.
November 3rd, 2009 at 2:46 pm
I’m supposed to remember a column from 2004? I quit reading there as I can’t remember what I had for dinner last night and that was way more important.
November 3rd, 2009 at 2:49 pm
But Holy God, did you SEE this column?
Yes, I did. I allowed this column to be written to smite the brains of you heathens for replacing My explaination of the NFL season with Medamned Andy Rooney.
November 3rd, 2009 at 2:57 pm
now now, even though this simmons column was worse then AIDS, not everything on espn.com is garbage…….
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=ochocinco/091029&sportCat=nfl
CARBOAT
November 3rd, 2009 at 3:02 pm
@ babysexcannon
I’m with (sic), I don’t consider Drew’s post the same thing. I didn’t mean writing a piece then waiting a few days to post it. I meant reusing jokes he told to friends or on Twitter.
November 3rd, 2009 at 3:11 pm
@dsl: The public perception is actually only a minor consideration. Most of the time the books set the line where it belongs, mathematically, and trust in the law of averages to deliver them a profit (which it usually does – underdogs cover 51.5 % of the time). Favorites are up 60-54 this year, which is about 4% higher than it should be – and also explains why Simmons and everyone else thinks their picks are so fucking great this year. Sometimes Vegas will get spooked and move a line to match public perception (like they did with New Orleans last night – moving it from -10 to -12) but they generally avoid this because they can get stuck being “middled.” Which came INCREDIBLY close to happening last night.
November 3rd, 2009 at 3:12 pm
Regression. To. The. Mean.
Douchebag, there’s a reason why Vegas stays open and profitable.
November 3rd, 2009 at 3:14 pm
@Gino: agreed, sir. I’ve always considered a “man-cave” to be the part of another man where homosexuals like to stick their penis. Which is fine by me (they can do whatever the hell they want as long as they’re not doing it to me) but a “man cave” is certainly not a place I want to hang out and watch football.
November 3rd, 2009 at 3:17 pm
In all fairness, if the Devil offered me the opportunity to submerge Yankee Stadium into a burning lake of fire while the Phils and Yanks were playing, in exchange for Peyton Manning’s ACL, I’d think about it. Not saying I’d do it. But not saying I wouldn’t consider it either.
/Mets fan
//Still recovering from annual “this team is awful, going to burn my eyes out with hot pokers” tradition
November 3rd, 2009 at 3:21 pm
Simmons is a d-bag, keep this up with his columns…..
though i do find your king stuff funny, king is just a nerdy dude who loves talking football and favres wang, he doesn’t write stupid bro columns like simmons. Bill, we don’t care about your vegas trips with you and your queer friends. Nor do we care about your wife or your dads love for the celtics.
November 3rd, 2009 at 3:29 pm
Simmons….giant douche, or giantest douche?
/needs a ruling on this
November 3rd, 2009 at 3:30 pm
Colts, 19-0, if only so that Simmons will set himself on fire, in public.
November 3rd, 2009 at 3:31 pm
You know what would make a great comedy? Picture this: Bill Simmons is a hot-shot sports writer who thinks he knows it all, but suddenly, he finds himself…
/cue record-scratching sound…
…the new General Manager of the Minnesota Timberwolves!
/cue James Brown’s scream from “I Feel Good”
His new life isn’t exactly what he expected [shots of bleak Minnesota snowscapes and eccentric locals] but with a little faith, a little luck and a lot of love ["Gimme Some Lovin'" is playing in the background] he turns this misfit group of zeroes…into heroes. And learns about himself.
It almost writes itself!
November 3rd, 2009 at 3:44 pm
Simmons can eat a dick for picking against the Pain-thers. Actually he can eat a dick because it’s Tuesday.
Fucking Yankee douche…
/realizes I’m heading to Boston this weekend to look for a new job and place to live.
//facepalm
November 3rd, 2009 at 3:45 pm
Simmons is a bigger douchebag than King and this post is long overdue. I’ve hated this cockfag since 2004 when I first learned of his shitty column. Great fucking post and please do it again sometime. Hey Simmons, I don’t care about your ugly ass wife and care less about your dog. Fuck you and your shit hole home town.
November 3rd, 2009 at 3:46 pm
Colts, 19-0, if only so that Simmons will set himself on fire, in public.
I see where you’re going with this, but Colts fans are way too fucking annoying for us not to regret it later. Saints 19-0 I could deal with. Not quite the same sting to Simmons, but life is about compromise.
November 3rd, 2009 at 3:53 pm
Saints 19-0 I could deal with.
Saints 19-0 would be horrific if only because it would completely validate how idiotic it was to let Bresus walk while retaining the King Float Laserface in San Diego. King Float cannot be invalidated!
November 3rd, 2009 at 4:23 pm
I bet simmons lost because there were too many viagra and cialis commercials on tv during the games. *shakes head at his many stupid comments he said on Colbert*
November 3rd, 2009 at 4:25 pm
@Zach: Thanks. This is the kind of stuff they should have taught us in those after school specials/ GI Joe cartoons/ ‘The more you know’ shorts…
November 3rd, 2009 at 4:38 pm
Simmons finally get skewered like the arrogant tool he is. I think I just came.
November 3rd, 2009 at 5:42 pm
If the Saints (or any other team) went 19-0, Simmons would claim that the Patriots paved the way for them. OWAH (ALMOST) PAHRFECT SEASON WAS HAHDAH THAN YOWAHS — NO ONE DENIES THIS!
November 3rd, 2009 at 7:01 pm
@Peter Cavan:
Not to nitpick — Georgetown beat Duke the day before the Steelers beat the Broncos in the AFC Championship. I fondly remember that stretch of personal sports awesomeness.
/also grew up near Pittsburgh
//also went to Georgetown
///also named Phil
////kind of creeped out right now
November 3rd, 2009 at 8:29 pm
Holy fuck, even when being ridiculed Simmons is borderline unreadable. I hope he goes 0-for-this-week. And that his wife leaves him….to sleep with Derek Jeter and have a love child who will be highly-regarded in spite of having no range when moving to his left and a lower than expected isolated discipline.
November 3rd, 2009 at 9:15 pm
Fisking Simmons and Easterbrook every week, along with King, would cause me to buy a KSK t-shirt. If Mariotti ever becomes relevant again and he’s added to the list, I’ll buy the KSK underwear. Thong style, even.
November 3rd, 2009 at 9:27 pm
love this column, thank god someone else skewers Simmons. I badmouth simmons constantly on twitter. stupid red sox fans.
November 3rd, 2009 at 9:47 pm
simmons’s expression in that picture looks like the one on ned beatty’s face in deliverance when the locals are teaching him pig latin through the ass. i don’t think that’s a coincidence.
any dipshit who lucks into a professional writing gig like that, and uses it to turn out self-referential, self-indulgent, meaningless cant – well, it’s nothing a rape stand and full prison yard wouldn’t fix.
November 3rd, 2009 at 9:59 pm
Just so you know, it just SEEMS like Bill knows a lot about the current NBA scene. I follow one basketball team very closely (watch about 80 games a year), and when Simmons discusses them it is VERY apparent that he has only seen my team play a couple games and makes all his assessments based on small sample sizes and mainstream media stereotypes. Simmons doesn’t actually know all that much about teams other than the Celts, Lakers, and a couple others, but he sure does an effective job of making it sound like he is all-knowing about the NBA.
November 4th, 2009 at 1:04 am
I guess when Bill writes, it ends up being something nearly always fucked up.
/Feels hilarious
November 4th, 2009 at 5:20 am
Agreed with regards to what snafu said about Simmons not knowing the NBA. Whenever he says anything about my hometown team, it’s almost always directly parroted from something a local sportswriter had written two days earlier in our local paper.
Simmons doesn’t give attribution, of course, because that would ruin the illusion of the Great and Powerful Simmons.
November 4th, 2009 at 10:22 am
Nooooooo
KSK vs. Simmons is like watching a mom and dad fight
Don’t you see you’re only hurting the kids!
/goes upstairs and doodles in notebook
November 4th, 2009 at 10:40 am
I didn’t think Drew’s comments even added any humor. That shitpile by Simmons this week speaks for itself.
He should have:
1. posted Simmons’ column
2. written “Wrong.” after each pick that he missed
3. written “Douche” at the bottom.
Is there anything more annoying than people “explaining why” random streaks of luck happened while they were playing blackjack? Why yes, yes there is — offering mediocre picks advice in a national column and then blaming people for listening to you.
November 4th, 2009 at 11:28 am
Regardless of how much (or little) I enjoy a given column, I remain mystified by his unyielding belief that Adam Carolla is some sort of god-like comedy savant, rather than a guy who is occasionally kinda funny.
November 4th, 2009 at 2:18 pm
Bill Simmons’ face in that pic just makes me want to punch kittens in the face. He’s one of the many reasons I hate Bawwwwwston.
November 4th, 2009 at 2:20 pm
You know, writing an NFL picks column is a lot like Rocky IV….
November 4th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
Nunchucks don’t kill people.
Ninjas do.
November 4th, 2009 at 4:42 pm
Yes, yes, yes! Finally the Sports Guy gets his! Simmons is the guy I love to hate and have been waiting since I first found out about this site (like um…6 months or so) for you guys to skewer him in pasty white bahston ass! Please, for the love of all fans that hate the Celtics, Red Sox and Patriots, don’t stop doing this.
As for TMQ, I would be careful of poking fun at him. He might send alien super weapons down to destroy our planet and then write “game over!” in his notebook.
November 4th, 2009 at 5:15 pm
I don’t know which was worse…Simmons article, or this humorless response. Just bad all around.
November 4th, 2009 at 5:40 pm
Simmons actually rules pretty hard. Just like Lady GaGa and Ed Hardy Shirts.
November 4th, 2009 at 7:10 pm
simmons sucks and im pretty sure he has sex with little boys.
November 5th, 2009 at 7:45 am
“And third, it’s humiliating to have a lousy picks record in a nationally read column.”
“Nationally read”, you must be famous then.
“You might remember my “Simbotics” column from 2004, when I tried to determine a science for picking games in the first few weeks.”
No, not really.
November 6th, 2009 at 12:06 am
Is it just me or does Bill Simmons look totally like a zombie in this picture?
December 24th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
Do you realize how much of jealous douche you sound like? You should be embarrassed…
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