Fetushead and Dreamboat, The Saga Continues. WHO YA GOT?
This week we’re highlighting the very obscure, totally non-showcase match-up between Peyton Manning and Tom Brady. I doubt any NFL-related TV shows will explore this particular angle of the Colts-Patriots game on Sunday, so it’s good that we are.
Pey-Pey and Dreamboat have met in a lot of big games this decade, so they have a “rivalry” even though I doubt there is any actual animosity between the two of them. Brady has won most of the contests, but Peyton has had the advantage the last few years. They’re both really good and shoo-in Hall of Famers.
Peyton is a robot who gesticulates too much at the line of scrimmage and, according to Peter King, is possessed of anal traits. Early in his career, it was fun to mock him for being without a championship and gay for Kenny Chesney. But then he went and won a title while the Chesney jokes got old. Now he’s just a really good quarterback who appears in a lot of commercials. The worst I can say about him is that Colts fans, even though Peyton has won multiple MVP awards and is generally thought to be the face of the league, act as though he’s somehow ignored and underappreciated. Because they’re all Midwestern diptards with nothing else in their lives, but that’s not really Peyton’s fault, is it?
Tom Brady is a smug asshole, but then he leads an almost cartoonishly perfect life. Would you or I be unbearable were we lavished with such gifts? Probably. I’m already kind of a dick and I don’t have anything on Brady. As quietly as one can do something on the overexposed Patriots, Brady has “quietly” returned to his dominating pre-injury form in the last few weeks, regaining the timing with Randy Moss that was clearly missing in the Pats first few games. That doesn’t make him or his fans, many of whom wanted Brady traded last year then complained that he wasn’t traded when he struggled some out of the gate this year, any less obnoxious. He cheated on Bridget Moynahan, he wears Yankees hats in public while he plays for a Boston (er, sorry, “New England”) team, earlier this year he blew off the Matron Saint when she tried to get a post-game quote from him. He’s a dick. You can nail him and Pats fans for the Spygate and 18-1 stuff, but then the amount of irrational hate the Steelers have received in the last year has actually made me identify with the Massholes some. Did I actually write that? Oh well.
I think the first time Peyton and Brady ever met kind of captures their respective personalities perfectly.
Already a two-time Pro Bowler, Manning nevertheless introduced himself: “I’m Peyton Manning.”
“And I said, ‘No (expletive),’ ” Brady said yesterday, laughing. “We were both getting warmed up and he was probably on his 100th throw of the day, two hours before the game. It was a pretty quick meeting.”
Robot, meet dickhead.
Tags: dreamboat, greatriots, indianapolis colts, who ya got?, xmas ape
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November 13th, 2009 at 9:17 am
That doesn’t make him or his fans, many of whom wanted Brady traded last year then complained that he wasn’t traded when he struggled some out of the gate this year, any less obnoxious.
While I will concede the overall point, who exactly wanted Brady traded this year or last?
November 13th, 2009 at 9:18 am
“I’m Peyton Manning. I was programmed to destroy you.”
November 13th, 2009 at 9:21 am
While I will concede the overall point, who exactly wanted Brady traded this year or last?
I spend enough time (read: too much time) reading various football Web sites, so I can say with confidence that more than a few Pats fans expressed a desire to have him traded. Not saying it was majority of them, but it definitely wasn’t just one or two random idiots.
November 13th, 2009 at 9:22 am
It’s like Turtle wanted to say to Brady in an episode of Entourage this past season (which is what I and many others would LOVE to say to him)- “You suck balls!”
November 13th, 2009 at 9:28 am
Irrational hate? Irrational?!? Fuck you, pal.
November 13th, 2009 at 9:29 am
You can nail him and Pats fans for the Spygate and 18-1 stuff, but then the amount of irrational hate the Steelers have received in the last year has actually made me identify with the Massholes some. Did I actually write that? Oh well.
Wow…I never, ever thought I’d see that. I’m cool with it, and maybe I’ll tone down the Steelers hate for a bit (especially given its Colts/Pats week).
Also Ape, consider than 85% of our fan base is functionally retarded when talking about the “trade Brady” argument. I live in New England (NOT Mass, fuck that place) and can tell you that rational Pats fans lost their collective minds when that discussion took place. Nobody who knows a thing about football wanted him gone.
November 13th, 2009 at 9:32 am
I spend enough time (read: too much time) reading various football Web sites, so I can say with confidence that more than a few Pats fans expressed a desire to have him traded. Not saying it was majority of them, but it definitely wasn’t just one or two random idiots.
It’s a good thing they were able to turn Cassel into Pat Chung, who has already been fined for a helmet-to-helmet hit. He’s the new Harrison!
November 13th, 2009 at 9:35 am
@ TTGT: He didn’t even try to avoid that shot on Henne. I think you may be right.
November 13th, 2009 at 9:52 am
The worst I can say about him is that Steelersfans, even though Roethlisberger has won multiple Superbowls and is generally thought to be the face on a windshield, act as though he’s somehow ignored and underappreciated. Because they’re all Midwestern diptards with nothing else in their lives, but that’s not really Roethlisberger‘s fault, is it?
November 13th, 2009 at 9:54 am
Even Midwestern diptards know Super Bowl isn’t one word, though.
November 13th, 2009 at 9:59 am
Please remove the Yankee symbol from Brady’s chest. It’s making me puke.
November 13th, 2009 at 9:59 am
Fuck Tom Douchebag Brady and the patriots. Not that I’m a colts fan… they need to go back to baltimore and the ravens need to go back to cleveland and the browns need to go to the CFL… I’m ranting arent I? Where was I.. oh yeah, I hope duchebag has a repeat of last seasons game 1.
November 13th, 2009 at 10:00 am
Peyton: “This unit’s designation is Manning-18.”
Brady: “Brah, I know that shit. Wanna come hang out with some supermodel skanks afterwards?”
Peyton: “Can compute poonani pop-and-lock with a 63% chance of success.”
November 13th, 2009 at 10:07 am
Please, I think we’ve all been able to rationalize our hatred of the Steelers
November 13th, 2009 at 10:07 am
Just a heads up, if you are at work DO NOT CLICK “bondage girl” commenter name. Very NSFW.
November 13th, 2009 at 10:09 am
…the amount of irrational hate the Steelers have received in the last year has actually made me identify with the Massholes some. Did I actually write that? Oh well.
Ape, this girl from Massachusetts that you are dating is effecting your work. There, I said it.
November 13th, 2009 at 10:14 am
When I speak of irrational hatred of the Steelers, I don’t mean it’s irrational to dislike them. That I understand. It’s the ZOMG THEY ONLY WINZ CAUSE-A THE REFS!!!11!CONSPIRACY!!!1!1!! stuff that goes over the edge.
November 13th, 2009 at 10:18 am
Ape, brah, the word is like Cyborg…chah!
Please remove the Yankee symbol from Brady’s chest. It’s making me puke.
Guess you’ll be puking for a long time there Sully.
November 13th, 2009 at 10:20 am
My ex-girlfriend recently became Tom and Gisele’s dog-walker and said he’s a cool enough guy. Also she said Gisele is the hottest person she’s ever seen, which is the hottest sentence I’ve ever heard.
If I had 10% of the success Brady has had I’d literally write a book filled with nothing but names of people I know and why they should kiss my ass.
November 13th, 2009 at 10:26 am
Even Midwestern diptards know Super Bowl isn’t one word, though.
ZOMG!!! I had a typo in there, fuuuckk!!
November 13th, 2009 at 10:29 am
If you are worried about dumbass fans claiming your team only wins with the help of the refs, perhaps you should root for another team. How about an undefeated SEC team?
November 13th, 2009 at 10:33 am
@ Ape: Remember after “Spygate” came out, when people were rumoring that the Patriots D-Linemen were using microphones in their shoulder pads in order to pick up the QB cadences and audibles at the lines so that the coaches could relay new plays in to Bruschi?
Yeah, that kind of thing happens. Guess the refs are what you guys get hated for cause, you know, the NFL is intentionally designing success for the Steelers because of the Rooney’s or whatever other asinine reason people blame.
November 13th, 2009 at 10:33 am
Does anyone know if Manning has a good record in night games? Has there been any discussion of “chemistry” with his new wide receivers? ARE SPRINT, SONY, MASTERCARD, OREOS, GATORADE AND DIRECTV GOOD PRODUCTS?
I AM UNAWARE, RUDDERLESS!!!
November 13th, 2009 at 10:38 am
im looking forward to when peyton claims his rightful spot as meast of the week!
November 13th, 2009 at 10:47 am
did anyone really want to trade Brady? I must have missed that memo from the patriots front office.
November 13th, 2009 at 10:54 am
Steelers fans and Pats fans have way more in common than either would like to admit.
November 13th, 2009 at 10:55 am
“robot meet dickhead”
you just described my last sexual experience
November 13th, 2009 at 10:57 am
How can Brady possibly wear a Yankees hat? That is almost as douchetastic as someone who has never been outside of NY in his entire life rooting for the Cowboys.
November 13th, 2009 at 11:01 am
how bout getting rid of those fucking “tom brady” hats. i think those are worse than him wearing the yankees hat. and i’m a masshole
November 13th, 2009 at 11:01 am
Actually, the front office was putting out feelers to see how many 1st round picks they could get in exchange for Brady, so the thought must have at least crossed their mind.
November 13th, 2009 at 11:03 am
the comments fucking suck today. if we get a sexy friday, then KSK isn’t paying attention.
November 13th, 2009 at 11:08 am
Steelers fans and Pats fans have way more in common than either would like to admit.
The same could be said of Jets fans and Juggalos.
November 13th, 2009 at 11:47 am
@rob
have a nice long wait!
/facepalm
November 13th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
As a Jets fan living in New England all i can say that Tom Brady is a little winy bitch that I have little respect for. I never fully realized his bitchiness until I was forced to watch every single Pats game, and realized that when Brady isn’t too busy throwing his gay little screen passes or watching “Leave it To Beaver” re-runs with Giselle while re-charging his battery, he is bitching at the refs every fucking play! I’d take Manning over his bitch ass in two seconds.
/ Turns his insane clown possy cd back on.
/kneels down and prays to picture of Rex Ryan
November 13th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
The jealousy in these comments runs strong.
Brady, Manning, both obvious masters of quarterbackitude. I got Brady this week. Homerism aside, with Sanders out and 2 rookie CBs, I think the Pats’ pass attack is going to really hurt the Colts. Probably gonna be a high scoring game though.
November 13th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
Also, speaking of homerism, I commend your ability to shoehorn the Steelers into a post about the Colts and the Pats.
November 13th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
There is a great possibility that Brady is a dink, I don’t know, but I got the feeling that the “No shit” quote was more “No shit you’re Peyton Manning I know who you are cause you’re one of the best QBs in the NFL and I’m just some sixth round schmuck” and less “No shit dumbfuck, nobody could miss that ruthless fetus head.”
November 13th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
Any fanbase would have been nervous if their franchise QB went in for a second knee operation to clean out an infection caused by the first one.
November 13th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
@Anonymous Pussytuber
For the record, we could have figured out that you were a Jets fan without your stating it in the first sentence.
November 13th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
@ Tim Tebow’s Girlfriend’s Tits
2 Questions: Tim Tebow sucks, and go fuck yourself.
November 13th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
@ Pussytuber: Please keep reinforcing the stereotype of Jets fans being enormously insecure douchebags.
/Jets = Only unsuccessful team with a fanbase everyone can agree to hate
November 13th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
@ grimace
It was a joke, I was referencing that Tosh.O video which was on this site a couple of weeks ago. And as far as hating the Jets goes, I’m sure that’s bound to change once everyone sees the light of their new pussytubing jaguar-neutering attitude.
November 13th, 2009 at 2:44 pm
@Bondage Girl: The Browns would absolutely get murdered in the CFL. They are too slows and too sucky for the CFL. Now Canadian collegiate football, maybe they’d have a shot.
And to be honest, even as a Dolphins fan, I don’t actually mind Brady’s douchbaggery. Dude’s earned it. And the fact that he doesn’t start off or finish off with the line “then I nailed my hot Brazillian supermodel” or “then Giselle offered to bring in another supermodel girlfriend” like she allegedly did once, makes him seem fairly humble.
November 13th, 2009 at 3:27 pm
Now that Xmas Ape somehow found empathy for Patriots fans, i demand he create a Steeler fan caricature equivalent of “Tommy from Quinzzeeeee”
I mean seriously, “YINZER”?
November 13th, 2009 at 5:00 pm
I don’t know why, but Peyton-Guile actually makes me think of Tony Dungy. I think it’s the baldness.
November 13th, 2009 at 5:01 pm
By the way, I’m a Jets fan.
November 13th, 2009 at 10:22 pm
@Fireman
No shit.
November 13th, 2009 at 11:12 pm
hahaha fetushead!!!
November 14th, 2009 at 7:01 am
That article you linked to about those heavenly QBs meeting each other is ripe for satire. Peyton studies tape of Brady. Uh, when does he find time to study tape of other offensive guys in addition to his opponent??!! Is there bottle of Jergins and a box of Kleenex available? Does it excite him?
And when Brady decided to call up Manning about his injury. True hilarity.
November 14th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
Sorry, but I can shenanagans on Patriots fans asking to trade Brady.
Every other douchey representation of New England sports fans is correct though.
November 14th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
Brady does have an cartoonishly perfect life. NFL QB, multi-millionaire, super model, Super Bowl rings, etc. Now if he could just get over that latent homosexuality thing….