DAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWW JAMBALAYA ZYDECO TRUE BLOOD VAMPIRES
Some people sincerely want to push Carolina as an upset possibility over the unbeaten Saints because cornball Cajun bag of suck Jake Delhomme has never lost a start in the Superdome and John Fox is 7-0 there as a head coach. And hey! They’ve won three of their last four. Even if two of those wins were against the Redskins and the Bucs, while the loss came to the goddamn Bills. They’re primed for the role of spoiler!
All right, fine, Sedrick Ellis and adopted fake-Asian Scott Fujita are out, so conceivably Jonathan Stewart and DeAngelo Williams could run wild and propel Carolina to victory, but it would have to be so dominating a performance that it accounts for the inevitable backbreaking Delhomme pickerception.
San Diego at New York –
[Heart surgery flies open]
Philip Rivers: Hey, have you tried my cardboard box of Killer F*cking Cock?
WELL YOU CAN’T BECAUSE I HAVE A HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEART WIFE AND 14 LASERFACE JUNIORS AND WE’RE ALL ABSTINENT!
[Murmuring instructions heard off camera]
Chicken?
But I go to Chick Fil-A for my chicken. THEY’RE FROM THE SOUTH, LIKE ME! And they’re never open on Sundays, because they love Jeebus. LIKE ME!
Screw your Christ-hating, Hell-roasted demon birds. Let that gimpy asswipe Brian Westbrook burn for eternity for endorsing it. KING PHILIP THE LASERFACED HAS MORAL RECTITUDE AND WILL SHOW IT BY DICKWHIPPING THIS BIG APPLE FULL OF FORNICATING WORMS!
[Still collects check for ad]
Detroit at Seattle — For the first time in more than a month, the Lions “Big 3” (that’s cute, Detroit) of Megatron, Kevin Smith and Matt Stafford will be starting together, meaning the Lions will be at least slightly more entertaining in defeat.
Tennessee at San Francisco — This week, Rodney Harrison called the Titans the dirtiest team in the league. For this grievous insult, a shirtless Vince Young will pin him down while Jeff Fisher, dressed in a Peyton Manning jersey, fistpumps Harrison in the throat and LenDale White stomps on his Always Sunny in Philadelphia-patented dick towel.
Tags: Breesus Christ, lenwhale, marmalard, open thread, panther pride
November 8th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
D. Williams already scores a TD
November 8th, 2009 at 4:13 pm
2 plays, 1 minute and Carolina leads 7-0.
Carolina will not throw if at all possible.
November 8th, 2009 at 4:14 pm
Rodney Harrison calls the Titans the dirtiest team in the league when he got suspended for trying to end Jerry Rice’s career. Totally makes sense.
November 8th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
I hate the Eagles, but I would buy any product affiliated with “It’s Always Sunny…”
November 8th, 2009 at 4:16 pm
No Niners-Tennessee? Why does Fox hate my retinas so?
November 8th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
The only way Carolina wins is if Archie Manning suits up and still plays after breaking his hip during warmups.
November 8th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
Hey Rodney, Trent Green’s ACL would like a word with you.
November 8th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
SHERBET POWER!!!!!
November 8th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
Goddamn Buccaneers. WAY TO FUCK UP EVERYONE’S LIFE!
November 8th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
What the hell. The Bucs are gonna’ fucking win a game. Nobody goes winless this year apparently.
November 8th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
STAFFORD TD! *drink*
November 8th, 2009 at 4:24 pm
Packers OL: Shitty offensive line, or the shittiest offensive line in the history of professional sports?
November 8th, 2009 at 4:24 pm
Apparently Tom Coughlin took a play out of Norv’s playbook. “Lets rush our smallest back up the middle with 1 yard to gain”
November 8th, 2009 at 4:25 pm
SOMEONE STOP THE PANTHERS JUGGERNAUT
November 8th, 2009 at 4:25 pm
3rd & 1 and they don’t give it to Brandon Jacobs. I’m glad you dropped the snap on the field goal you gutless dumbshits.
November 8th, 2009 at 4:25 pm
The Panthers will look back on this 42-14 loss with pride.
November 8th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
C’mon Giants Fail!
November 8th, 2009 at 4:28 pm
Did the Giants secretly replace their usual kicker with a Gramatica?
November 8th, 2009 at 4:28 pm
GET 49ERS-TITANS OFF MY TV SCREEN GODDAMN RED ZONE CHANNEL!!!
(P.S. I love you)
November 8th, 2009 at 4:29 pm
Seahawks INT. Then the lions score a TD.
First play next possession: fumble lost.
Play this sloppy was totally unexpected in this game.
November 8th, 2009 at 4:32 pm
Detroit up 14-0 early.
Somebody break up the lions
November 8th, 2009 at 4:33 pm
1. seven
2. word
3. recap
4. can
5. suck
6. my
7. nuts
Prepositions, Rosen? How uncreative are you?
November 8th, 2009 at 4:34 pm
STAFFORD! *drink*
November 8th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
Seattle manages to make it to a 4th down without a fumble or pick.
But then they decided to go for it on 4th and 1 on their own 38, and lose a yard. Turnover on downs.
This is going to get very ugly folks
November 8th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
Philip Rivers: /floatfloatfloatfloatfloatfloatfloatfloat
HUH? WHAT? TOUCHDOWN VINCENT JACKSON
November 8th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
Laserface TD to jackson was a… well, laser.
But the UBERFloat screen pass might be the greatest pass I’ve ever seen.
November 8th, 2009 at 4:50 pm
Who the hell are these people playing for the Lions today and when did they start impersonating a competent football team?
November 8th, 2009 at 4:50 pm
Looks like Breesus picked today to have a shitty start.
November 8th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
With 13:16 to play in the second quarter, Tom Coughlin threw the challenge flag to save five yards on second down. Sadly, the NFL saved him from himself and the play can’t be challenged.
November 8th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
A Hall of Fame Caliber 15-yard penalty by Darren Sharper. Don’t even wait until he retires, induct him now, he’s that good!!
/every TV announcer ever
November 8th, 2009 at 5:00 pm
http://www.totalprosports.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/12/philip-rivers.jpg
/pew pew pew
November 8th, 2009 at 5:00 pm
There is no possible way this Giants-Chargers, Eli-Laserface game can let me down, is there?
November 8th, 2009 at 5:01 pm
The Giants are fucking retarded. There is no reason Baby Fetushead should being throwing while Brandon Jacobs averages less than 10 carries a game.
November 8th, 2009 at 5:14 pm
FUCKING COVER GATES.
/playing against him in fantasy
November 8th, 2009 at 5:16 pm
Isn’t Harrison calling someone dirty like Hitler calling calling Pol Pot a murderer?
November 8th, 2009 at 5:22 pm
Every person involved at every level of that Civic commercial deserves to be murdered in his sleep
November 8th, 2009 at 5:25 pm
Jesus fucking Christ. Just put the QB in a dress and be done with it.
November 8th, 2009 at 5:30 pm
Seriously, how does Rivers float the ball as far as he does?
November 8th, 2009 at 5:40 pm
Scott Fujita.
I didn’t know Asians were allowed to adopt healthy white babies. Must be some kind of California thing.
November 8th, 2009 at 5:41 pm
GoodfuckingLord the Seahawks cause my liver to tremble in fear at the amount of alcohol it faces during games.
November 8th, 2009 at 5:44 pm
Phil Simms admitted he has no clue what’s going on in this game. Finally, an honest announcer.
November 8th, 2009 at 5:46 pm
Finally, Rivers pays for his floatability.
November 8th, 2009 at 5:46 pm
FLOAT
November 8th, 2009 at 5:51 pm
Coughlin is going to dismember Dockery
November 8th, 2009 at 5:57 pm
GODDAMMIT GATES…
November 8th, 2009 at 5:57 pm
Gates was clearly expecting a regular float, and not the laserfloat.
November 8th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
Man, Tiny Darren is actually a pretty decent pass blocker.
November 8th, 2009 at 6:02 pm
@Taxman: Dwarves are known for their stoic defense…
November 8th, 2009 at 6:03 pm
Tiny Darren = Gimli?
November 8th, 2009 at 6:08 pm
That’s some terrible playcalling by carolina…1st and goal from the 1 and you don’t give the rock to deangelo or stewart. Apparently John Fox has not watched the game film of delhomme from the last 8 games.
November 8th, 2009 at 6:09 pm
To tell you the truth, I miss Rodney decapitating a defenseless reciever or two. Ah, the good old days.
November 8th, 2009 at 6:09 pm
King Laserface I breaking out all the float weapons tonight… that was somewhere between regular float and laser float.
November 8th, 2009 at 6:09 pm
Float interference
November 8th, 2009 at 6:37 pm
NFL Media: “We’re sorry for doubting you, Vince Young.”
Vince Young: “I exempt your misogyny, NFL medias.”
November 8th, 2009 at 6:39 pm
If its a Seahawks game, and its Charles Davis, you bet your sweet ass I’m drinkin’!
November 8th, 2009 at 6:41 pm
Breesus is dry humping the Panther defense up and down the field.
November 8th, 2009 at 6:46 pm
Ahhahahahahahahaha, LaToeInjury an Norv. Again and again, you prove how much you both suck.
November 8th, 2009 at 6:46 pm
Way to float out of Tuck’s way, Marmalard.
November 8th, 2009 at 6:56 pm
Way to roll over and die, Chargers.
November 8th, 2009 at 6:57 pm
TURNER FACE
November 8th, 2009 at 6:58 pm
fucking san diego…fucking fucks from fuckville…
November 8th, 2009 at 7:00 pm
And DeAgnelo Williams fumbled at the 2. Saints recover and score!
November 8th, 2009 at 7:01 pm
Panthers epic fail.
November 8th, 2009 at 7:03 pm
Seahawks looking to ice the game with an ineffective ground game and holding calls.
November 8th, 2009 at 7:04 pm
Welcome back, Alex Smith. We missed you.
November 8th, 2009 at 7:10 pm
also, a big FUCK YOU to Mort et al who said Megatron would go today. 2.6 points. awesome.
November 8th, 2009 at 7:10 pm
Someone should ask Deangelo Williams if it is difficult to rush the ball with both hands wrapped around his neck like that.
November 8th, 2009 at 7:11 pm
Laserface. FTW.
November 8th, 2009 at 7:11 pm
HUH? WHAT?
CATCH MY TINY DARREN CATCH!
November 8th, 2009 at 7:11 pm
And he just went all PHILIP RIVERS on them.
November 8th, 2009 at 7:12 pm
That doesn’t sound nearly douchy enough in writing.
November 8th, 2009 at 7:12 pm
Victory float.
November 8th, 2009 at 7:13 pm
As much as I enjoy watching the Giants lose, watching them lose like that is so, SO, much better.
November 8th, 2009 at 7:15 pm
WTF, I change rooms… and SD scores…
November 8th, 2009 at 7:16 pm
/raperaperaperape
November 8th, 2009 at 7:16 pm
Awesome, Norv will win just enough games to not get fired for another year, thus ensuring the continued demise of the Chargers.
November 8th, 2009 at 7:17 pm
It was worth every second of the Giants’ and Jets’ respective hot starts and the talk of an all-New York Super Bowl to see both of their seasons go down in flames.
November 8th, 2009 at 7:17 pm
Now that’s what I call an asschurching.
November 8th, 2009 at 7:19 pm
In other news: Lions continue to fail at life.
November 8th, 2009 at 7:20 pm
Uffgasm. And my suicide pick of Seattle finally doesn’t look stupid.
November 8th, 2009 at 7:23 pm
Who did the Lions beat again?
November 8th, 2009 at 7:24 pm
Hahaha I knew picking Seattle would pay off today in the suicide. Yesss. Who has seen the new awesome Reebok commercials? I want to buy womens’ shoes!!
http://whowhatwherewheny.wordpress.com/2009/11/05/hot-girls-and-marketing-now-with-100-more-video/
November 8th, 2009 at 10:44 pm
hahaha pure gold
November 9th, 2009 at 8:24 am
I just love your posts Ape, no homo. They’re usually filled with hate, which is something us Western PA yinzers know all too well.