Coach Ryan Brings In The Jaguar
Mark Sanchez: Have a good bye week, Thomas?
Thomas Jones: Yup.
Sanchez: Who we got this week? Jacksonville? They kinda suck.
Jones: Yup.
Sanchez: But who are we to talk, right? Can’t believe we got swept by the Dolphins.
Jones: Yup.
Sanchez: Think Coach Ryan is pissed?
Jones: Well, he doesn’t really get pissed, does he? Losing just makes his ass crazier.
(door flies open)
Ryan: HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN’, BOYS?
Sanchez: Good, coach.
Ryan: Oh, men, OH, MEN. Men… guess what I did last night. Go on. Guess. TELL ME WHAT I DID, JALAPENO.
Sanchez: Did you…
Ryan: Hell yes I did! I FUCKED MY WIFE! FUCKED HER CRAZY! You boys ain’t the only ones who get to have all the fun! I grabbed her hair and made her call me Daddy all night long! She was making Africa sounds by the time I was finished! Nothing like waking up the day after you laid wood to the missus. What about you? You boys clean up that pussy while you had your little week off? Well, did you?
Sanchez: Well, I…
Ryan: OHHHHHHHH, you did! Jalapeno, your new nickname is POON TANGO! That’s Espanolish for sloppy pussy! Now, men. MEN. We got business to tend to. First order of business for the day: THE BOOM BOX. Now, I know some of you like rock, and some of you like country, and some of you like that rap shit. BUT EVERYONE LIKES NIGHT ON BALD MOUNTAIN. That’s why I put that symphony in the CD player and glued it shut. BECAUSE IT MAKES YOU WANT TO KILLLLLLLLLL! It makes me feel like a fucking DEMON. A giant, murderous, pussy-stomping DEMON! Are you a demon, POON TANGO?
Sanchez: Yes, sir.
Ryan: Good! Next order of business: the Jaguars. We got those assholes from Gainesville coming in this week.
Sanchez: Jacksonville.
Ryan: Whatever. It’s all shithead country, if you ask me. Men, I don’t think your minds were clear two weeks ago. I don’t think you had your heart and soul in the game. I DIDN’T SEE YOUR KILLER EYES! DO YOU HAVE KILLER DEMON EYES, POON TANGO? LOOK AT ME LIKE A KILLER!
Sanchez: How’s this?
(furrows brow)
Ryan: Son, you look like you’re squeezing out a gravel shit. Men, when you play for a Rex Ryan team, you don’t hold back. You understand me? YOU ARE ANIMALS. YOU ARE WILD FUCKING ANIMALS THAT HAVE BEEN OUT IN THE DESERT FOR WEEKS, AND ARE STARVED FOR BLOOD. Louie, bring in the jaguar!
Sanchez: Holy shit!
Ryan: Did you know jaguars kill different than any other animal? It’s true. Let me read this to make sure I got it right: “It bites directly through the skull of prey between the ears to deliver a fatal bite to the brain.” Now, how do you like that? Look in his eyes, men. What do you see? I SEE A KILLER. You wanna beat a jaguar? YOU BETTER BE READY TO SKULLCHOMP THAT FUCKER RIGHT BACK. YOU BETTER BE READY TO BE A FUCKING PREDATOR.
(takes out knife, Ho Ho)
Ryan: Okay, Poon Tango. Take the knife.
Sanchez: What?
Ryan: You wanted to be a MAN in this league, right? You wanted to be King of the Mountain? You take this knife.
Sanchez: What am I gonna do with it?
Ryan: I’ll tell you what you’re gonna do with it. You’re gonna bring me ITS BALLS.
Sanchez: WHAT?
Ryan: You can handle a football? You can handle a KNIFE. You take that cat’s balls and you bring them to me.
Sanchez: But I can’t possibly…
Ryan: HE’D DO THE SAME TO YOU IF HE HAD A PAWKNIFE OF SOME SORT. He wouldn’t hesitate. Not for a second. Men, I know what we do out on that field is unnatural. I know you’ve been told all your life to be nice to people and not to hurt them. But that’s not really who you are. You wanna be a killer? You’re gonna have to have the sack to shed your civility and BE THE FUCKING KILLERS YOU REALLY ARE. NOW, DO IT! CASTRATE THAT FUCKER, JACKIE SHERRILL STYLE! BRING ME HIS BALLS! BALLS! BALLS! BALLS! BALLS! BALLS! BALLS! BALLS! BALLS! BALLS!
(smears war paint on Sanchez’s face)
Everyone: BALLS! BALLS! BALLS! BALLS! BALLS! BALLS! BALLS!
Sanchez: I can’t.
Ryan: THE ZOO NEEDS THIS DONE ANYWAY! NOW BECOME THE ANIMAL! KILLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!
Sanchez: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
(cuts jaguar’s balls off)
Sanchez: HOLY SHIT, I DID IT!
Ryan: HOLY SHIT, HE DID IT!
Jones: HOLY SHIT, HE DID IT!
Everyone: HOLY SHIT! HE DID IT!
Ryan: Poon Tango, you ain’t no rookie no more. You are now a fucking LEADER OF MEN. Men, this is exactly how we’re gonna play on Sunday. When you go out on to that field, I don’t want you to be human. I don’t even want you to remember how to fucking TALK. I want you to be a FUCKING ANIMAL, AND AN ANIMAL FUCKING. The same way Poon Tango here was when he lopped off Chester’s nutsack. The same way I was when I banged the shit out of Mrs. Ryan last night. That’s what it takes. That’s how you get to the top. You don’t ask. YOU RUTHLESSLY FUCKING CLAW FOR GLORY. YOU ATTACK. ATTACK ATTACK ATTACK ATTACK KILLLLLL!!!
(everyone cheers)
Men, you are fucking WINNERS. Don’t let anyone tell you different. Poon Tango here didn’t think he could cut off a jaguar’s balls, but he did! He was a winner, and he didn’t even know it. Now, it’s your turn. You’re going to go out there, and you are going to lose control, and you will become DEMON FUCKING ANIMAL KILLERS. Are you ready? ARE YOU FUCKING READY TO KILL?! ARE YOU READY TO DELIVER A FATAL BITE TO DAVID GARRARD’S SKULL?!
Everyone: YES!
Ryan: LEMME HEAR YOU ROAR! RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Everyone: RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Ryan: Are we gonna win?
Everyone: YES.
Ryan: Are we gonna kill?
Everyone: YES.
Ryan: Are we gonna cut those fuckers’ balls off?
Everyone: YES.
Ryan: GODDAMN RIGHT WE ARE. WE WILL KILL, AND WE WILL WIN, AND THEN WE’RE ALL GOING OUT FOR CHICKEN AND HOOKERS! Fucking bring it in!
(everyone brings it in)
Ryan: Fucking KILL on three. ONE TWO THREE…
Everyone: FUCKING KILL!
Ryan: Hoo wee! That was good! I gotta go change my undies!
Sanchez: What do I do with these balls?
Ryan: Put them in your pants! It’s good luck!
Sanchez: Okay.
Tags: amateur surgery, Big Daddy Drew, cool coach digest, jaguars, rex ryan: best coach ever
November 12th, 2009 at 10:23 am
Gee, I was rooting for Sanchez to eat those…
November 12th, 2009 at 10:25 am
oh, you literally meant jaguar. that’s not where i thought it was going
November 12th, 2009 at 10:26 am
Sir, this post was so good, I could blow you.
/gay
//doesn’t give a fuck.
November 12th, 2009 at 10:30 am
I got a feeling that with Coach Ryan, the “Amateur surgery” tag will be used a few more times this year. Bravo
November 12th, 2009 at 10:31 am
DAMN…just damn. But I need a shot of Mrs. Ryan before it gets promoted to lofty.
///the whiners will say “needs more pussytubing”.
November 12th, 2009 at 10:35 am
That was just… Wow. I mean, he actually cut the balls off. Like, holy shit, he actually cut the balls off a Jaguar. Well played, Coach Ryan
/worth noting that Peyton neutered the Jags in Week 1
//Brady sucks
///Fuck the Pats
////HoFQbFlaWa?
/VIt’s The War of 18-12!
November 12th, 2009 at 10:39 am
How many times do you think Coach Ryan replied Leon’s leg snapping like a twig during film session?
November 12th, 2009 at 10:39 am
I have the Jets D in fantasy. Can we mail this to their linebackers?
November 12th, 2009 at 10:42 am
Lofty.
November 12th, 2009 at 10:42 am
This makes being a Jets fan AWESOME for a change.
November 12th, 2009 at 10:49 am
Best. Post. Ever. PAWKNIFE!!! HHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAHA!!!!
November 12th, 2009 at 10:52 am
I think I saw Poon Tango back in 91′ at the Whisky.
November 12th, 2009 at 10:53 am
Mmm, chicken and hookers, just delightful.
November 12th, 2009 at 10:55 am
Goddamn I love kSK Coach Ryan.
November 12th, 2009 at 10:58 am
It’s better that they have RR showing them what to do instead of Frankie Fast Hands. He got knocked out in the first round.
November 12th, 2009 at 11:03 am
Can this guy give my Fantasy Teams and my Broncos a pep-talk, please!?
November 12th, 2009 at 11:05 am
THE ZOO NEEDS THIS DONE ANYWAY!
November 12th, 2009 at 11:06 am
I haven’t even read this yet, I just wanted to say that I saw the words “Coach Ryan” and my eyes welled up with tears of joy and sheer excitement.
November 12th, 2009 at 11:07 am
It takes two to Poon Tango, unless you’re Rex, then you can bring 12 to 14.
November 12th, 2009 at 11:09 am
“THE ZOO NEEDS THIS DONE ANYWAY!”
+1
Sure, Bob Barker will remind you to spay and neuter your pets but Rex Ryan takes matters into his own hands.
November 12th, 2009 at 11:09 am
But WHAT HAPPENED WITH THE HO HO?!
November 12th, 2009 at 11:15 am
This makes me want to headbutt a bear and then have sex with it’s bear wife. I mean, when they’re hibernating, of course.
November 12th, 2009 at 11:15 am
Ochocinco originally came up with the idea pawknives.
November 12th, 2009 at 11:16 am
I eagerly look forward to Coach Ryan’s next round of inspirational felonies.
November 12th, 2009 at 11:23 am
Best Rex post yet. This is going to be a great November run for KSK, I can feel it.
November 12th, 2009 at 11:27 am
@Honey Mustard – I thought it was Ray Lewis.
November 12th, 2009 at 11:28 am
It goes without saying, but I think Coach Ryan is this year’s KSK Rookie of the Year.
November 12th, 2009 at 11:37 am
wow i’m gonna be the first to comment this? ok then…
BALLS! BALLS! BALLS! BALLS! BALLS! BALLS! BALLS!
November 12th, 2009 at 11:38 am
(looks up Jackie Sherill…)
FUCK AND YES! That’s what I want in a head football coach!
And boys, why do we cut the nuts of a perfectly good bull (thus creating a steer)? To make him docile? FUCK, NO! We are fattening up that animal for the KILL!
November 12th, 2009 at 11:41 am
Jesus, I’m fired up just reading that. Let’s fucking get them!
November 12th, 2009 at 11:42 am
I think KSK Rex kicks ass and all, but honest question:
How do fat people have sex? With a gut like that, is he ever really sure of who’s on his knob?
Seeing as how bloggers/commentators fall into one of two categories (fat asses eating fried chicken in cubicles or pasty white guys weighing in at 120 in their parent’s basement), I hope someone can clear this up.
/for the record, I’m 142.
November 12th, 2009 at 11:47 am
“How do fat people have sex?”
Very carefully.
November 12th, 2009 at 11:48 am
Pawknives FTW
November 12th, 2009 at 11:50 am
We totally need some sort of KSK character mash-up. Marmalard v. Hines Wald v. Rex Ryan v. BEEF MOE v. Ochocinco at a poker game or something. Millions (okay, maybe hundreds) of heads would asplode.
November 12th, 2009 at 11:53 am
How do fat people have sex? With the lights off.
November 12th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
Bravo, sir. Bravo.
/Rex Ryan starts a slow hand clap with two raw steaks, dips them in butter, then devours them like a pedophile at an 8 year old pussy seminar.
November 12th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
Fuck and Yes.
November 12th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
I hope the Jets players read this, and that Rex Ryan is at least aware of it. These posts are so damned inspirational. The next spreadsheet I have to fill out better watch the fuck out, because I’m fired up, baby!
November 12th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
please never stop making these!!
November 12th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
“A giant, murderous, pussy-stomping DEMON!”
Well, I just decided what my Halloween costume will be next year.
November 12th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
“CHICKEN AND HOOKERS”
Two great tastes that go great together.
November 12th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
“How do fat people have sex?”
Awkwardly and at the drive-thru. Jeez, it’s like you guys haven’t dated one of them tutu wearing hippos from Fantasia.
November 12th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
Night On Bald Mountain makes me want to skullchomp the fuck out of something. Mussorgsky in the hizzouse.
November 12th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
It’s not everyday you get a Jackie Fuckin’ Sherril reference as good as that.
November 12th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
I like a night in bald pussy more than a night on Bald Mountain.
November 12th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
“How do fat people have sex?”
I think that will be addressed later today
November 12th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
“How do fat people have sex?”
We dip our ladies in flour and look for the wet spot
November 12th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
http://www.zimbio.com/pictures/Yd1QuSNKSqe/New+York+Jets+Introduce+Rex+Ryan+New+Head/RYpLMqZgl1g/Michelle+Ryan
There’s a photo of Rex’s wife… with Rex.
November 12th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
“Put them in your pants! It’s good luck!”
I fucking lost it…red bull all over the monitor and out my nose
November 12th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
+1 on that pic, CM.
Did you..HELL YES I DID!!!
November 12th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
I said a very quiet “RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH” after reading that.
I would pay to have KSK Coach Ryan come to a corporate retreat. Rex Ryan: Motivational Speaker.
November 12th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
Bravo good sir … but needs more {DOOR FLIES OPEN}
November 12th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
I spent all that money on the vet neutering the cat, when I just could have read this, gotten fired up, and did the deed myself?
Fuck.
/It’s a female cat, so it probably would have been a bad idea, anyway.
November 12th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
With 4 of the last 7 games coming against teams named after animals, I’m looking forward to a very exciting second half of the season…..just not from the Jets.
/Doesn’t mind the lack of pussytubing.
November 12th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
I will re-read this tomorrow morning as I prepare to castrate 50 (possibly more) 500+ lb. bulls. After this mornings scalpel wielding I need some inspiration. Awesome!
November 12th, 2009 at 3:08 pm
“Whatever. It’s all shithead country, if you ask me.” Lofty. The only thing worse than northern Florida is southern Florida.
November 12th, 2009 at 5:42 pm
Fuck Yeah. After reading this, I powerbombed my dog through a table.
November 12th, 2009 at 6:40 pm
Sheeeit man. I had to pay $50 on Ebay for my lucky jaguar balls. Totally worth it though. I feel lucky already.
November 12th, 2009 at 7:32 pm
I hope the Marines are distributing these columns to incoming second lieutenants so future Uffords will never have to feel awkward again.
Too soon?
November 12th, 2009 at 8:23 pm
All 31 teams missed out on hiring this guy
November 12th, 2009 at 8:31 pm
This should be sent to the makers of Neuticles as a testimonial. Awesome article!
November 12th, 2009 at 10:13 pm
well i needed to hear that….not
November 13th, 2009 at 12:29 am
//Forwards to Gary Kubiak
cc: Slaton, Steve; Brown, Kris; Okoye, Amobi
November 13th, 2009 at 12:43 am
Wow… it may be the shrooms, but thats the single most amazing piece of comedy ever written.
Loftier than lofty. What word works there?
November 13th, 2009 at 1:15 am
As a Jets fan and a Texas A&M fan (my football fandom life sucks) let me just say: FUCK. AND. YES
November 13th, 2009 at 6:38 am
Thanks for making me choke on my beer and burger with “Put them in your pants! It’s good luck!”, Drew, you humorous, humorous asshole.
November 13th, 2009 at 7:13 am
crazy rex ryan is by far the best character
November 13th, 2009 at 10:38 am
Losing just makes his ass crazier
Best. Ryan. Yet.
@CC: Flour / THAT was funny.
November 13th, 2009 at 11:00 am
Just a plain ole great post.
November 13th, 2009 at 11:43 am
Who’s crazier – Jerry Jones or Rex Ryan?
November 13th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
I pray the Jets hire Pacman Jones and Rex Ryan gets to have a chat with him
November 13th, 2009 at 4:53 pm
Door didn’t fly open :(
November 20th, 2009 at 12:59 am
fuck yes