Mark Sanchez: Have a good bye week, Thomas?
Thomas Jones: Yup.
Sanchez: Who we got this week? Jacksonville? They kinda suck.
Sanchez: But who are we to talk, right? Can’t believe we got swept by the Dolphins.
Sanchez: Think Coach Ryan is pissed?
Jones: Well, he doesn’t really get pissed, does he? Losing just makes his ass crazier.
(door flies open)
Ryan: HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN’, BOYS?
Sanchez: Good, coach.
Ryan: Oh, men, OH, MEN. Men… guess what I did last night. Go on. Guess. TELL ME WHAT I DID, JALAPENO.
Sanchez: Did you…
Ryan: Hell yes I did! I FUCKED MY WIFE! FUCKED HER CRAZY! You boys ain’t the only ones who get to have all the fun! I grabbed her hair and made her call me Daddy all night long! She was making Africa sounds by the time I was finished! Nothing like waking up the day after you laid wood to the missus. What about you? You boys clean up that pussy while you had your little week off? Well, did you?
Sanchez: Well, I…
Ryan: OHHHHHHHH, you did! Jalapeno, your new nickname is POON TANGO! That’s Espanolish for sloppy pussy! Now, men. MEN. We got business to tend to. First order of business for the day: THE BOOM BOX. Now, I know some of you like rock, and some of you like country, and some of you like that rap shit. BUT EVERYONE LIKES NIGHT ON BALD MOUNTAIN. That’s why I put that symphony in the CD player and glued it shut. BECAUSE IT MAKES YOU WANT TO KILLLLLLLLLL! It makes me feel like a fucking DEMON. A giant, murderous, pussy-stomping DEMON! Are you a demon, POON TANGO?
Sanchez: Yes, sir.
Ryan: Good! Next order of business: the Jaguars. We got those assholes from Gainesville coming in this week.
Ryan: Whatever. It’s all shithead country, if you ask me. Men, I don’t think your minds were clear two weeks ago. I don’t think you had your heart and soul in the game. I DIDN’T SEE YOUR KILLER EYES! DO YOU HAVE KILLER DEMON EYES, POON TANGO? LOOK AT ME LIKE A KILLER!
Sanchez: How’s this?
Ryan: Son, you look like you’re squeezing out a gravel shit. Men, when you play for a Rex Ryan team, you don’t hold back. You understand me? YOU ARE ANIMALS. YOU ARE WILD FUCKING ANIMALS THAT HAVE BEEN OUT IN THE DESERT FOR WEEKS, AND ARE STARVED FOR BLOOD. Louie, bring in the jaguar!
Sanchez: Holy shit!
Ryan: Did you know jaguars kill different than any other animal? It’s true. Let me read this to make sure I got it right: “It bites directly through the skull of prey between the ears to deliver a fatal bite to the brain.” Now, how do you like that? Look in his eyes, men. What do you see? I SEE A KILLER. You wanna beat a jaguar? YOU BETTER BE READY TO SKULLCHOMP THAT FUCKER RIGHT BACK. YOU BETTER BE READY TO BE A FUCKING PREDATOR.
(takes out knife, Ho Ho)
Ryan: Okay, Poon Tango. Take the knife.
Ryan: You wanted to be a MAN in this league, right? You wanted to be King of the Mountain? You take this knife.
Sanchez: What am I gonna do with it?
Ryan: I’ll tell you what you’re gonna do with it. You’re gonna bring me ITS BALLS.
Ryan: You can handle a football? You can handle a KNIFE. You take that cat’s balls and you bring them to me.
Sanchez: But I can’t possibly…
Ryan: HE’D DO THE SAME TO YOU IF HE HAD A PAWKNIFE OF SOME SORT. He wouldn’t hesitate. Not for a second. Men, I know what we do out on that field is unnatural. I know you’ve been told all your life to be nice to people and not to hurt them. But that’s not really who you are. You wanna be a killer? You’re gonna have to have the sack to shed your civility and BE THE FUCKING KILLERS YOU REALLY ARE. NOW, DO IT! CASTRATE THAT FUCKER, JACKIE SHERRILL STYLE! BRING ME HIS BALLS! BALLS! BALLS! BALLS! BALLS! BALLS! BALLS! BALLS! BALLS! BALLS!
(smears war paint on Sanchez’s face)
Everyone: BALLS! BALLS! BALLS! BALLS! BALLS! BALLS! BALLS!
Sanchez: I can’t.
Ryan: THE ZOO NEEDS THIS DONE ANYWAY! NOW BECOME THE ANIMAL! KILLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!
(cuts jaguar’s balls off)
Sanchez: HOLY SHIT, I DID IT!
Ryan: HOLY SHIT, HE DID IT!
Jones: HOLY SHIT, HE DID IT!
Everyone: HOLY SHIT! HE DID IT!
Ryan: Poon Tango, you ain’t no rookie no more. You are now a fucking LEADER OF MEN. Men, this is exactly how we’re gonna play on Sunday. When you go out on to that field, I don’t want you to be human. I don’t even want you to remember how to fucking TALK. I want you to be a FUCKING ANIMAL, AND AN ANIMAL FUCKING. The same way Poon Tango here was when he lopped off Chester’s nutsack. The same way I was when I banged the shit out of Mrs. Ryan last night. That’s what it takes. That’s how you get to the top. You don’t ask. YOU RUTHLESSLY FUCKING CLAW FOR GLORY. YOU ATTACK. ATTACK ATTACK ATTACK ATTACK KILLLLLL!!!
Men, you are fucking WINNERS. Don’t let anyone tell you different. Poon Tango here didn’t think he could cut off a jaguar’s balls, but he did! He was a winner, and he didn’t even know it. Now, it’s your turn. You’re going to go out there, and you are going to lose control, and you will become DEMON FUCKING ANIMAL KILLERS. Are you ready? ARE YOU FUCKING READY TO KILL?! ARE YOU READY TO DELIVER A FATAL BITE TO DAVID GARRARD’S SKULL?!
Ryan: LEMME HEAR YOU ROAR! RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Ryan: Are we gonna win?
Ryan: Are we gonna kill?
Ryan: Are we gonna cut those fuckers’ balls off?
Ryan: GODDAMN RIGHT WE ARE. WE WILL KILL, AND WE WILL WIN, AND THEN WE’RE ALL GOING OUT FOR CHICKEN AND HOOKERS! Fucking bring it in!
(everyone brings it in)
Ryan: Fucking KILL on three. ONE TWO THREE…
Everyone: FUCKING KILL!
Ryan: Hoo wee! That was good! I gotta go change my undies!
Sanchez: What do I do with these balls?
Ryan: Put them in your pants! It’s good luck!
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news & humor before everyone else.