A Very Special Thanksgiving With A Very Special Surprise Guest
Timmy: Pass the cranberries, ma.
Ma: Here you are, son.
Timmy: (drops bowl) Oops!
Ma: Oh, heavens. You dropped that cranberry sauce right on the carpet!
Timmy: It’s not my fault! Bobby was distracting me!
Bobby: Was not!
Timmy: Was too!
Bobby: Was not!
Timmy: Was too!
Bobby: Was not!
Pa: Now quiet, the both of you two. This is supposed to be a NICE Thanksgiving.
Bobby: Eh, screw that.
Pa: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME!
Ma: Stop! Frank, don’t hit him! Pleeease! WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN EVERY YEAR?
(knock on the door)
Ma: Who’s that?
(door flies open)
Ryan: HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN’, PEOPLE?
Bobby: Whoa hey, that’s Coach Ryan of the New York Jets!
Ryan: Oh, people. People, people, people. This is the 40th Thanksgiving dinner I’ve crashed today. AND I’M JUST GETTING WARMED UP! Are you gone eat that cranberry sauce on the floor? Because nothing fires up Coach Ryan’s engine like floorsauce!
Pa: Coach Ryan, would you like to have a seat?
Ryan: CAN’T DO IT! You sit down to eat and you end up eating too slow! Now, first order of business: nicknames. Ma, your new nickname is Honeybasket. Pa, your new name is Shitfist. Bobby, your new name is ROBERTO HUMIDOR. Because Bobby is a faggot name! And Timmy, your new nickname is CATAPULT.
Bobby: Why can’t I be Catapult?
Ryan: BECAUSE YOU’RE ROBERTO HUMIDOR! Now, men. And woman. But mostly men. I couldn’t help but notice when I was staring out your window that your family is dysfunctional. Am I right?
Pa: Well, we…
Ryan: FUCKIN’ COCKJETS, I AM RIGHT! Now, I know all about dysfunctional families, men. I know because my team is dysfunctional. Look at us. We’re 4-6. We SUCK. Fucking Taco won’t stop throwing picks!
(drinks gravy out of boat with a straw)
Ryan: But you can’t let that get you down! Men, I’m here to let you in on a secret. Winning doesn’t matter.
Timmy: But Pa said winning…
Ryan: SHITFIST DON’T ALWAYS KNOW BEST! It’s not about whether you win or lose, men. Do you know what it’s really all about? KILLING! KILLING KILLING KILLING KILLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!! Bring out the turkey!
Ma: But we already have one cooked in the oven.
Ryan: Easy, Honeybasket. That one will do for sandwiches tomorrow. Now get a look at this bird, men. Look it in the eye. What do you see, Roberto?
Bobby: I see a bird.
Ryan: I’ll tell you what I see. Your first chance to become men. Roberto, take this axe.
Bobby: Okay.
Ryan: Catapult, hold that turkey’s head down on the floor.
Timmy: Okay.
Pa: Wait just a second here…
Ryan: DO YOU WANNA RAISE FAGGOTS, PA? OR DO YOU WANNA RAISE KILLERS? Tell me you don’t want your boys to grow up to pussy stompers who drink everything in sight and fuck till dawn. Tell me you don’t want your boys to feast on some pussy.
Pa: Well, I…
Ryan: Oh! Oh! Oh, Daddy wants his sons to get some giblet! Okay, Roberto. On my command, I want you to chop this bird’s head off.
Ma: But…
Ryan: Shhh! LET HIM GROW UP! You can do this, Roberto.
(eats large box of very small donuts)
Bobby: I don’t know that I can.
Ryan: I understand. You’re young, and you’re afraid. But son, life isn’t about doing what you want to do. It’s about having the sack to go do what you HAVE to do. And what you have to do right now, IS CUT THIS FUCKER’S HEAD OFF. NOW DO IT! KILLLLLLLL! UNLEASH THE BEAST!
Bobby: Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!
(cuts off Timmy’s hand by accident)
Timmy: Ahhh, my hand!
Ryan: AGAIN!
Bobby: Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!
(cuts off turkey’s head)
Ryan: Holy shit! Look at all that blood! ARE YOU PEOPLE AS TURNED ON AS I AM?
Ma: My boy! My beautiful boy’s hand!
Ryan: We’ll get it reattached! It’s gonna look awesome! Everyone at school will start calling him Catapult Skywalker! NOW BRING IT IN, MEN.
(everyone brings it in)
Ryan: You see what you guys did today? You put aside your petty differences and you came together as fucking KILLERS. Little Roberto here didn’t flinch on that second axe swing, because he knew WHAT HE HAD TO FUCKING DO. You know what that tells me? That tells me, underneath all the squabbling, you men have a bond that is forged in fucking IRON. That will never break. (cries) And, when the shit hits the fan, you will form as one and go out there and fucking MURDER if you have to. That is what this holiday is all about. It’s not about sitting down and sharing with goddamn Pokeahotass. It’s about TAKING! It’s about coming together AND RUINING SOME SHIT. Now we’re gonna fucking roast this bird on an open spit. And then, I’m gonna have a hooker come over and we’re gonna fill her huge twat with stuffing. YOU’VE NEVER HAD STUFFING UNTIL YOU’VE HAD PUSSYSTUFFING.
Pa: Oh, I like that idea.
Ryan: GODDAMN RIGHT YOU DO. Are you guys ready?
Everyone: Yes!
Ryan: You gonna fucking kill this Thanksgiving Day spread?
Everyone: Yes!
Ryan: You gonna keep arguing like bitches?
Everyone: No!
Ryan: Are you ready to carve some dead turkey up?
Everyone: Yes!
Ryan: FUCKING EAT ON THREE! ONE TWO THREE…
Everyone: EAT!
Ryan: Damn, that was good. Just 5,897 more houses to visit tonight. But first, I gotta go wipe the juice out of my ass.
Bobby: Can you be our Dad?
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, happy turkey day, surprises after the jump
![[badge]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/themes/default/images/100121_FOXmsnBadge_200x50.gif)
November 25th, 2009 at 10:06 am
I have no idea what just happened.
November 25th, 2009 at 10:08 am
I wish I lived in America just so I could have thanksgiving on the off chance a crazed Ryan brother shows up. Oh, and I’m a glutton so the feast would be pretty sweeeeeeeeet….
November 25th, 2009 at 10:10 am
Catapult Skywalker and pussystuffing…nice work
November 25th, 2009 at 10:12 am
Look! Someone is going to draw perky nipples on Ma!
November 25th, 2009 at 10:14 am
Bobby: Why can’t I be Catapult? Ryan: BECAUSE YOU’RE ROBERTO HUMIDOR!
Coach Ryan tells it like it is, preach on brotha.
November 25th, 2009 at 10:15 am
Thanksgiving always needed its own Santa Claus-type hero. Squanto is a fucking sham.
November 25th, 2009 at 10:15 am
/waits patiently for Rex Ryan to appear at his door … spills gravy on the ground to expidite the process …
November 25th, 2009 at 10:18 am
My Thanksgiving is now complete…..
November 25th, 2009 at 10:20 am
For his next house, Coach Ryan will eat a loaf of bread and some celery, and shit out a serving of turkey stuffing.
November 25th, 2009 at 10:21 am
annnnnnnnnnnd then the family lost to every AFC East team
November 25th, 2009 at 10:24 am
I’m just an asshole on the boards, and the only thing I’ve ever contributed is buying an “eli” shirt. However, I feel as if I have the right to expect a glorious Rex Ryan replaces Santa Claus post- – if not multiple- -within the next 30 days. And I think all of KSK readership is with me. (Chimney rumbles, fireplaces flies open…)
/awesome as usual
//the “eli” shirt is still in the rotation btw
November 25th, 2009 at 10:29 am
Hmph. I wish Coach Ryan would give me a nickname.
November 25th, 2009 at 10:32 am
This sketch needs to replace the drivel on SNL, immediately.
November 25th, 2009 at 10:36 am
HOW THE FUCK YA DOIN’, BOYS/PEOPLE? is now my standard greeting for any social situation.
/We SUCK. Fucking Taco won’t stop throwing interceptions FTW
November 25th, 2009 at 10:37 am
Hmph. I wish Coach Ryan would give me a nickname.
I like the Sammy Davis Jr. schtick you got goin’, Stu. One eye on me, one eye checking out the ass on that chick across the street. YOUR NEW NAME IS WALL-EYE, KID!
November 25th, 2009 at 10:38 am
* Sniff * this is the closest I’ll get to turkey on Thanksgiving.
/thanksgiving at parents’ house. They’re vegetarian. Wah, wah, wah.
//pussystuffing = awesome.
November 25th, 2009 at 10:38 am
This work day doesn’t stand a chance.
November 25th, 2009 at 10:50 am
Weak. You should have had the turkey raped first
November 25th, 2009 at 10:50 am
Seriously, can Coach Rex Ryan adopt me? My regularly scheduled dad sucks.
/thankful he doesn’t have to go to fucking Alabama for Thanksgiving
//gonna eat some turkey and nap on the couch
November 25th, 2009 at 10:55 am
Whens the episode where PETA gets pissed at Ryan for hurting animals. He’s on a roll right now.
And the idea of Pussy Stuffing sounds amazing.
November 25th, 2009 at 10:58 am
@Otto: FUCK YEAH
November 25th, 2009 at 11:00 am
floorsauce FTW
November 25th, 2009 at 11:05 am
Can I get that pussystuffing recipe? Looks like my girlfriend’s gonna be busy tomorrow!
November 25th, 2009 at 11:06 am
I’ll be calling my wife Honeybasket and drinking gravy with a straw this Thanksgiving. Thanks, Drew.
November 25th, 2009 at 11:07 am
@Mike D, except for Buffalo
November 25th, 2009 at 11:08 am
I think the Coach Ryan bits are great, I still hold my breath thinking Laserface might show up still. The greeting of “how the fuck you doing people” is as great as ” YOUUUUU BETTTAAAA ASKKK SOMEBODYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!”
keep up the good work boys, I enjoy taking time away from work to check out KSK
SRV
November 25th, 2009 at 11:09 am
Fuck Rex Ryan, but this is full of win.
November 25th, 2009 at 11:10 am
@ dm72: Don’t worry, Rex Ryan will be over to make your mom and dad kill a turkey. Fucking pussies
November 25th, 2009 at 11:17 am
somehow, i allowed myself to be surprised by this. i think i laughed harder when i saw who the “surprise after the jump” was than when i was actually reading it.
well done.
November 25th, 2009 at 11:20 am
When trying to pick up old classmates who don’t remember me from high school at the bar this weekend, I’m totally giving the fake name Roberto Humidor.
November 25th, 2009 at 11:24 am
Floorsauce vs. Milksteak. Winner faces Pussystuffing for the championship. Place your bets now!
November 25th, 2009 at 11:24 am
This post has inspired me to create a new Thanksgiving cocktail:
It’s 1 oz bourbon and 3 oz turkey gravy, shaken and served warm in a highball glass whose rim has been moistened and dipped into a tray of cornbread stuffing.
I call it the “Mr. McGibblets.”
November 25th, 2009 at 11:26 am
Got any pictures of Pokeahotass?
November 25th, 2009 at 11:32 am
Ryan: Shhh! LET HIM GROW UP! You can do this, Roberto.
(eats large box of very small donuts)
It’s the subtleties that separate great from merely good.
November 25th, 2009 at 11:33 am
the line ‘(eats a large box of very small donuts)’ brings a zen-like quality to the gluttony and madness…Brilliant.
November 25th, 2009 at 11:41 am
Looks like Coach Rex is gonna set a new shit record this year.
http://i33.tinypic.com/11vpht1.jpg
November 25th, 2009 at 11:42 am
/gets seconds of pussystuffing
November 25th, 2009 at 11:52 am
Pussystuffing… floorsauce… Timmy’s Hand… I’m going to go find Eli Roth’s “Thanksgiving” trailer, a box of Stove Top, gravylube, and a spare roasted turkey and get down to celebrating this damn holiday right!
/humps a stuffed turkey through a brick wall
//does it for the pilgrims
///there will also be cornbread
November 25th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
I love it when the door flies open and you don’t know who it’ll be until after the jump.
November 25th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
I wish Rex Ryan was my dad. Except without the crying… and the whole bloodlust for filling whores birth canals with Thanksgiving side dishes.
November 25th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
I think Marvin Lewis and Chad Ochocinco need to have a Thanksgiving meal together. ENDLESS possibilities.
November 25th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
On Christmas Eve, make sure to leave a plate of chicken-fried steaks and a sixer of Budweiser tall boys on your mantle. Later that night, Rex Ryan will come down the chimney and fuck your sister.
November 25th, 2009 at 12:34 pm
I wonder how many families will remember tomorrow as the first Thanksgiving where Rex Ryan was mentioned.
November 25th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
I will remember tomorrow to be thankful for KSKharacters. Especially Coach Rex.
November 25th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
I’m just in awe. Awe, I tell you.
November 25th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
Oh man. Catapult Skywalker slayed me.
November 25th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
“(everyone brings it in)” – Excellent
/ takes a knee at desk.
November 25th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
When I was deer hunting last week, I saw a deer in the field about a hundred yards out. Got the scope on it and immediately thought of Rex Ryan. The really fucked up part is that when I walked next to the dead deer, I told it it “You took that bullet like a fag.” True story.
Rex Ryan skits have changed my life.
November 25th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
Catapult Skywalker… i was wondering what i should name my firstborn.
November 25th, 2009 at 1:47 pm
First you stuff the pussy, then you eat the pussy. Got it.
November 25th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
“I think Marvin Lewis and Chad Ochocinco need to have a Thanksgiving meal together. ENDLESS possibilities.”
Happened.
http://deadspin.com/5099296/jamboroo-week-13–thanksgiving-edition-in-which-chad-ocho-cinco-tells-you-the-story-of-the-first-thanksgiving
November 25th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
@UU “I’ll be calling my wife Honeybasket..”
You may as well. The rest of us already do.
/Happy Thanksgiving?
November 25th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
Nice job as usual BDD, but I’m having a hard time not picturing Dick “Cry Me A River” Vermeil’s face with all the crying jags this guy has been having. It’s more like he burst through the door and broke down in a sobbing heap of dough and gravy chanting “we suck”. Pokeahotass was awesome.
November 25th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
floorsauce ftw
November 25th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
I can temporarily suspend disbelief, but the notion of Ryan using a straw with the gravy boat totally lost me. He would pound that shit straight out of the boat and use the the scant leftovers as lube to assfuck your wife.
November 25th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
You had me laughing at loud after the jump. By (everyone brings it in) I was laughing so hard I peed a little.
/going deer hunting with oldest son this weekend
//will be channeling Rex Ryan
November 25th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
I haven’t laughed that hard in quite a while. Thanks!
November 25th, 2009 at 6:55 pm
Thanksgiving would be great if it wasn’t for the fact that you gotta put up with family members you can’t stand. But I’m only there to FUCKING EAT, which should make the day tolerable.
Anyway, great post guys. Gave me a good laugh.
/Happy Thanksgiving
November 25th, 2009 at 11:42 pm
The pic on the top looks like the GODDAMN DOUBLE-J is crashing someone’s Thanksgiving.
/YEEEEEEEHHHHAAAAAAAAWWWW!! WOOHOO!! I AM FUCKING CRAZY!!!!!
November 26th, 2009 at 1:06 am
I’m a Jets fan. Before the jump all I was thinking was “please be Rex Ryan, please be Rex Ryan”. I wish that Sanchez would get his shit together. I think cutting the balls/heads off of animals is the only thing Rex’s Jets have done right in weeks.
November 26th, 2009 at 10:39 am
Cockjets? Floorsauce? Catapult Skywalker?
Greater words have never been typed.
November 26th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
Just wondering, why are you getting ready to draw nipples on grandma? Granny porn is just so wrong.
November 26th, 2009 at 11:26 pm
My dear god…Now that I’ve cleared the tears out of my eyes, just wanted to say how fucking awwwwesome that was. I’m like a five year old on Christmas morning when I see (door flies open).
/Happy Turkey Day
//Pussystuffing for all
November 27th, 2009 at 12:04 am
I’m just waiting until the Evil Coach Ryan shows up, like every bit the obnoxious Coach Ryan is, but a total dickbag who just wants to see you suffer.
With a goatee.
November 27th, 2009 at 7:01 am
We watch ESPN America here in Holland every sunday, which means 3 games ending at an ungodly hour but at least its football. For some reason they show a lot of Jets games and they have become watchable because every shot of Coach Ryan absolutely kills us.