A Monster With the Head of a Lion and the Jacked-Up Knees of Owen Daniels
Matt Schaub: Hey man. I heard the news. Try not to get too bummed. You’ll bounce back, I know it.
Owen Daniels: It sucks. And at the worst possible time too.
Matt Schaub: Yeah, yeah, I know. We had finally climbed above .500 mark. I still hope we can make something of this season without you. Guys’ll step up. You’ll see.
Owen Daniels: There’s that, I guess. But I had some other plans that were about to come to fruition.
Matt Schaub: Like what?
Owen Daniels: All right – promise not to laugh? I’ve been reading up on this book called “Mystical Monsters.”
Matt Schaub: Okay?
Owen Daniels: Well, like, you know how people got nicknames like Slash-N-Dash or running back committees are called two- or three-headed monsters?
Matt Schaub: Sure.
Owen Daniels: So me, you, Andre and Slaton, we’re like a four-headed offensive monster, right? And this book had one of those. Loogit! It’s called the Chimera.
Matt Schaub: That’s…interesting. So who is what? Which one am I?
Owen Daniels: See, that was the last detail I needed to iron out. For me, I like that tail in the form of the snake. He’s sneaky dangerous, like me. No expects a monster to have a snake head around back. Plus, it’s kinda phallic. I could be snake dick. Like, when other tight ends catch passes, it’s COOOOOLLLLLLEEEEYYYYYY or HEEEEEEAAAAAPPPPPPP or HHHHEEEEEAAAAAATTTTTHHHHHH. For me, Houston fans would go SSSSSNNNNNNAAAAAKKKKKKEEEEEE DDDDDDIIIIIIIICCCCCCCKKKKKK.
[Fantasy draft boards fly open]
Steve Slaton: Why the fuck are you guys yelling about a snake dick?
Owen Daniels: We’re trying to figure out which of me, you, Schaub and Andre is what on this chimera.
Steve Slaton: And you’re snake dick?
Owen Daniels: Yep.
Steve Slaton: Makes sense. I could see you as snake dick. Matt, you’re obviously the goat.
Matt Schaub: What? No way. You’re the goat.
Steve Slaton: I’m not the goat, goat.
Matt Schaub: Fuck off with that goat shit, goat.
Steve Slaton: I’m the motherfucking lion.
Matt Schaub: Lions don’t get benched.
Steve Slaton: FUCK YOU!
Andre Johnson: What’s all this commotion?
Matt Schaub: Slaton is trying to make me the Chimera goat.
Steve Slaton: This goofy son of a bitch says I can’t be the lion. What? He want the white man to be lion. White man can’t be no lion. You is one goaty little bitch.
Andre Johnson: Listen, listen, just everybody calm down. I will be the goat. Steve, you can be the lion. Matt, you’re the dragon. See? Not so tough.
Matt Schaub: Really? You don’t mind being the goat.
Andre Johnson: Nah, man. I’m cool with it.
Steve Slaton: But why?
Andre Johnson: ‘CAUSE I’S THE GREATEST OF ALL TIMES, LITTLE FUCK LION. Go get your lionnesses to do your hunting for you, bench bitch! BBBAAA-AAAAAA-AAAHHHHHH! G.O.A.T.!
Tags: never realized how fugly Schaub is, No one cares about the Texans, Owen Daniels' mystical monsters, snake dick, xmas ape
November 2nd, 2009 at 3:28 pm
Please, PLEASE, let “Snake Dick” catch on. Unfortunately, there will probably be too long of a lapse before he plays again for it to stick. Tragic.
November 2nd, 2009 at 3:29 pm
Would this make the Bills offense the legendary Esquilax? Fitzpatrick could be the head of the rabbit, Evans could be the body of the rabbit, and Owens could be the horse part that never does anything and no one ever sees.
November 2nd, 2009 at 3:29 pm
This was rather awesome.
November 2nd, 2009 at 3:31 pm
The Houston Chimera is made of pure win.
November 2nd, 2009 at 3:31 pm
Snake Dick will be the name of my first born.
November 2nd, 2009 at 3:33 pm
snake dick 4 rlz
November 2nd, 2009 at 3:34 pm
Jesus Christ! Stu Scott should really start hanging out with crazy eyes Schaub up there.
November 2nd, 2009 at 3:34 pm
Slaton then proceeded to fumble this post, thereby ruining two of my fantasy teams this weekend. Dumbass lion.
And Johnson is the G.O.A.T. of this team, by far. Very great. Lofty even.
November 2nd, 2009 at 3:35 pm
Schaub is the first player ever to take a shit during his team photo
November 2nd, 2009 at 3:36 pm
Matt Schaub looks higher than giraffe pussy.
November 2nd, 2009 at 3:45 pm
Schaub looks like Gandolfini’s skinny, injury-prone brother. “Show some frickin’ bouwwlls, Matthew!”
November 2nd, 2009 at 3:48 pm
Schuab spends all day thinking about raping Ned Beatty.
November 2nd, 2009 at 3:49 pm
Schaub should be the Snake Dick since its the closest thing to a Pencil Neck.
November 2nd, 2009 at 3:49 pm
The combination of Steve Slaton and B Jacobs has destroyed my fantasy team this year. AND I HAVE MOTHERFUCKING VINCENT JACKSON AND LARRY FITZ! IF I HAD ONE GOOD RB I’D BE THE BALLS! Damnit.
November 2nd, 2009 at 3:50 pm
well, that settles it. im changing my team name to snake dick
November 2nd, 2009 at 3:50 pm
Slaton looks fat as shit. Fuck you Steve Slaton. Now I gotta start LT and Portis the rest of the year.
November 2nd, 2009 at 3:51 pm
I thought “Snake Dick” was Visanthe Shiancoe nickname.
November 2nd, 2009 at 3:52 pm
Man, this may be too early to ask for fantasy advice but….. now that Daniels is gone who the hell do i pick up?
Zack Miller?Ben Watson?Tony Scheffler?FRED DAVIS?
This may be partly my fault ofr trading Brent Celeck for Bowe, but at least I got rid of Megatron
November 2nd, 2009 at 3:55 pm
Andre Johnson is the G.O.A.T. No one denies this!
Matt Schaub: Lions don’t get benched.
Steve Slaton: FUCK YOU!
This made me laugh. And Slaton, I think FF America agrees with that sperm-head looking QB up there.
November 2nd, 2009 at 3:56 pm
@ Ryno, that’s extraordinarily interesting; please provide more information on your fantasy team so we can commiserate!!!
November 2nd, 2009 at 4:04 pm
That picture of Schaub is fucking hilarious. I guess there was a free meth giveaway before this years’ team photo shoot
November 2nd, 2009 at 4:04 pm
Grimey wins. FOREVER.
November 2nd, 2009 at 4:05 pm
Andre Johnson is my new hero.
AJ: “Ayo Slaton, come and grab some of these things right over here.”
SS: “These what?”
AJ: “DEEZ NUUUUUUUUUUUUTS!!!!!!”
/exits stage left
November 2nd, 2009 at 4:07 pm
I thought Shiancoe’s nickname was “Kraken dick”
November 2nd, 2009 at 4:12 pm
The Texans + dick jokes? Really?
November 2nd, 2009 at 4:25 pm
@ted: see? it caught on!
SNAAAAAAAAKE DIIIIIIIIICK
November 2nd, 2009 at 4:25 pm
So, a guy in my fantasy league won the championship by having a team made entirely of his home-town Texans. No joke. This year, the guy who drafted ahead of him could not make the draft, but told me to pick Slaton for him and tell the champ to go fuck himself. It’s always nice when assholes get their comeuppance.
November 2nd, 2009 at 4:26 pm
Little known fact, when not QBing the Texans, Schaub runs a theme restaurant called Uncle Matt’s Family Feed Bag.
November 2nd, 2009 at 4:30 pm
Santonio Holmes has no respect for puny Snake Dicks.
November 2nd, 2009 at 4:35 pm
Bit of a lame post. But.. BEST…COMMENTS…EVER!
November 2nd, 2009 at 4:47 pm
The Packers used to have a Chmura of their own. Then he got in trouble for showing his snake dick to a baby goat.
November 2nd, 2009 at 4:49 pm
Andre Johnson even dominates made-up-dialogues.
November 2nd, 2009 at 4:51 pm
The only drawback to having a snake dick is when it becomes a Spitting Cobra.
/Wonders if this officially makes Santonio Holmes the “black mamba?”
//Always knew Indiana Jones was a bit of a homophobe
November 2nd, 2009 at 4:58 pm
Those pics of Schaub and Andre Johnson make it look like the Texans are trying to fill some Downs patient quota.
November 2nd, 2009 at 5:18 pm
Schaub is the poster boy for downs syndrome
November 2nd, 2009 at 5:19 pm
Matt Schaub looks like one of the Hardly Boys, from South Park.
November 2nd, 2009 at 5:36 pm
Schaub looks like a real life Special Ed from “Crank Yankers.”
“I’m getting my picture taken. Yaaaayyyy!”
November 2nd, 2009 at 5:45 pm
Anyone know where Schaub gets his weed? I need some of that shit.
November 2nd, 2009 at 6:17 pm
“Uh, a dog? Isn’t that a tad predictable?”
“In your dreams. We’re talking the original dog from hell”
“You mean Cerberus?”
November 2nd, 2009 at 6:51 pm
Good to see the “Fuck Lion” meme hasn’t died out completely yet.
November 2nd, 2009 at 6:51 pm
Andre Johnson just became my favorite wide receiver in the NFL.
November 2nd, 2009 at 6:53 pm
Dear Owen
Payback’s a bitch
Love
Antwan Odom
November 2nd, 2009 at 7:03 pm
A Chimera? Well, I guess that’s an OK monster, but that’s the kind of pick that happens when you only read to letter “C” in “Mystical Monsters” (or “Monster Manual” or “Fiend Folio”). The Texans should’ve gone with the Hydra- it has more heads and they grow back after they’ve been chopped off. At least they didn’t pick Tiamat, because that’s pretty gay.
November 2nd, 2009 at 7:32 pm
Only one dragon on the Texans, and he’s been slinging his balls all over the women of Houston. Oh yes, I’m talking about the Sex Cannon.
November 2nd, 2009 at 7:58 pm
Nah. Sexy Rexy has too much chest hair to be a reptile.
November 2nd, 2009 at 8:05 pm
I’m trying to figure out how you kill a Chimera.
Meh, whatever. Peyton’ll figure it out next week. And then do it again two weeks later.
November 2nd, 2009 at 8:52 pm
“I’m trying to figure out how you kill a Chimera.”
Replace the dragon with Sage Rosenfels.
November 2nd, 2009 at 10:38 pm
@Monkey Business – According to the Russian guy from MI2, all you need is Bellerophon.
Too obscure?
November 3rd, 2009 at 12:02 am
I simultaniously love and hate this…I love what Andre says, because we all know it’s the fucking truth, but I just can’t see him talking this much in real life…
November 3rd, 2009 at 1:40 am
Right, Steeler fans yell Heeeaaatttthhhh. That’s well established enough to make jokes about. I’m sure Owen Daniels knows this goes on. I mean, hell, Heath has been hearing that echoing catcall for at least 4 weeks now.
November 3rd, 2009 at 8:29 am
Well you knew about it.
November 3rd, 2009 at 9:15 am
So is Schaub retarded, drunk or high?
November 3rd, 2009 at 9:30 am
Of all the things about this post that could cause you to empty the sand out of your vagina and you chose my including Heath Miller in a list of tight ends that receive a crowd response after each of their catches.
That’s so stupid it’s actually fascinating.
November 3rd, 2009 at 1:09 pm
Schaub is just kickin’ the anti-laser face. While Schaub thinks he looks intense, the rest of the planet asks “is he on an Ambien binge?”
That’s ok, he can sleepwalk his way to leading the league in TD’s and yards. Eat that PM.
November 3rd, 2009 at 1:40 pm
needs more fumble from Slaton
November 3rd, 2009 at 4:39 pm
I bet Mouth-eyes Schaub would still look stoned.
BTW, I think this is the first Texans post I’ve seen that didn’t feature Ch/Kris Brown
November 3rd, 2009 at 5:46 pm
Well all know Rexy’s arm is the dragon.
November 4th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
This would have been perfect for a last second Marmalard cameo.
Just a “…the fuck do you want?” on the phone would have sufficed.