Well, well, well. I should’ve known you Philadelphia faggots wouldn’t be able to get the FACKIN’ JAWB DONE against those GAWDDAMN FACKIN’ NEW YARK CAWKSACKAHS! Nevah send a boy to do a BAWSTON MAN’S JAWB!
(spits randomly)
You let us down, Pedro. You were-ah pitchin’ far the awn-ah of Sawx Nation! AND YOU FAILED US! This is the warst thing that has evah happened to US! You Philly jizzlawbbahs were-ah supposed to stawp the Evil Empiah so that we, the LEGENDARY FANS OF RED SAWX NATION, could be happy! That’s what America wawnted! NO ONE DENIES THIS!
(sits on chair backwards, folds arms over top and flexes)
Then again, I figyahhhed this would happen. I knew Pedro would let us down before-ah I even knew it, if that makes sense! THAT’S JUST HOW CLAY-AHVOYANT I AM! You see, even a pitchah of Pedro’s calibah isn’t anyway-ah near-ah as effective without THE SUPPART OF THE LEGENDARY BAWSTON FANS BEHIND HIM! I was they-ah when he pitched far us! It was special. IF YOU WEREN’T THEY-AH, YOU COULDN’T POSSIBLY UNDAHSTAND! Pedro knew he couldn’t let us down! And we knew he’d come through far us! That’s why his fastball was at least 30 mph FASTAH at Fenway! CHECK THE RADAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
(phone rings)
Hey, that’s my friend BawbbyO! HE’S FAGGOT NEW YARK FAN! AND HE HAS A NICE JAWB! ALL MY FRIENDS AHHHH WELL OFF AND VERY PRAWSPEROUS!
(answers phone)
HEYYYYYYYYYYY FAGGOT!
BawbbyO: Ah, another Yanks championship. Everything is as it should be. Lucky number 27, baby.
Tommy: FACK YOU! FACK YOU! YOU GAWT LUCKY AND YOU KNOW IT! You gawt to play a fackin’ National League team to win it all! The National League is inferiah becawse the Sawx ahhhh nawt in it! SHEE-AH LUCK, JUST LIKE TYREE’S CATCH, WHICH WAS ALSO LUCKY! YOU AHHH NOTHING BUT A BUNCH OF CHEATAHS!
BawbbyO: No, you’re the cheaters.
Tommy: No, you ahhhhh!!!
BawbbyO: No, you are.
Tommy: No, you ahhhhh!!!
BawbbyO: No, you are.
Tommy: No, you ahhhhh!!! This bantah we have is HILARIOUS! People should listen to it, because we rib each othah in such manly fashion! YOU FAGGOT!
BawbbyO: Let’s not fight. Remember the time we went to Vegas?
Tommy: I DO! WE DRANK AND STAYED UP LATE! OTHAH PEOPLE IN THE CASINO WERE-AH AMAZED BY OW-AH ABILITY TO DO THIS!
BawbbyO: Let’s just enjoy the fact that the media sucks our extremely unlikable team’s dicks more than any other, and revel in the shared attention!
Tommy: Good idea! You should come to my man cave, BawbbyO! I have a fackin’ shitload of TVs, and I told my cunt garlfriend to nevah come in with ow-ah stupid baby, or else I’ll knee her in her fackin’ bawx.
BawbbyO: Then she’d have a Boston Red Box.
Tommy: BAHAHAHAHA! GAWDDAMN RIGHT! RED BAWX NATION! WOMEN AHHH FACKIN’ STUPID, AND NOWHERE NEAR AS COOL AS US!
Seriously though, BawbbyO, this one hurts! Everyone was pulling far the Phils to win far the glory of RED SAWX NATION! And they let us down! We may nevah be the same again! It is up to the Pats to give us redemption! If Belichick coaches the Sawx this yee-ah, they nevah lose! FACKIN’ TERRY FRANCONA KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT BASEBAWL! I WATCH BASEBAWL EVERY WEEKEND! LET’S SEE OTHAH FANS DO THAT!
(cranks Sublime album)
FACKIN’ SUBLIME!
I guess we Bawston fans will just have to take sawlace in the Pats and Celts winning it awl YET AGAIN. BUT I’D TRADE IT ALL IN HAHHHHHTBEAT TO WATCH THAT FAGGOT A-RAWD GO DOWN!
BawbbyO: Isn’t that kind of stupid?
Tommy: YOU’RE kind of stupid! Asshole! Buy all the titles you want! No one likes yar team! The Sawx will always be #1 in America’s hahhhhts! AND THE GIANTS AHHHH SECRETLY TERRIBLE AT PASS DEFENSE! ONLY I KNOW THIS. YANKEE GIANTS SACK! YANKEE GIANTS SACK!
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Well, the industrial strength douche killed my monitor. Tawmy AND a spankee fan? Lord hep us….
“Oh, it’s not a secret anymore.”
That’s the joke, fella.
I read the BawbbyO comments in the same voice that Dave Chappelle uses in the Lil Jon sketches, the solemn, deep one.
I think you have finally identified the last word I would ever want to hear a Masshole say: clairvoyant.
/vomits a little
AND THE GIANTS AHHHH SECRETLY TERRIBLE AT PASS DEFENSE!
Oh, it’s not a secret anymore.
needs more gay-ass reverse jinxing and more blowhard conservative dickery from Jac…I mean, BobbyO.
The one upside to the Phills loss is that Daulerio can now re-focus his efforts on being a shithead hipster. OH YEAH YOU KNOW I JUST WENT THERE KISS OFF PHILADELPHIA FANS THEY BUILT A PRISON IN YOUR STADIUM SANTA CLAUS SNOWBALL MICHAEL IRVIN BUDDY RYAN FAGGOT ROCKY.
I want to knee Shaughnessy in the bawx. For a fan base that claims to love sports, they really have to make it about them to even begin to care. Does Tawmmy even watch the Super Bowl if the Pats aren’t in it?
/flexes
Gah, that picture of that Yankee fan makes me want to punch my monitor.
hey this sounds a lot like bill sim….what’s that? Oh.
This sad Phillies fan finds a Yankees victory easier to stomach if Tommy from Quinzee is pained.
There is also the part where the people of Boston will complain about how much money the Yankees spent because the Red Sox are on a Marlins level of poor and its unfair to us.
You should make this into some sort of podcast.
Eat a dick Simmons.
I will naw light myself on far!
Let’s just enjoy the fact that the media sucks our extremely unlikable team’s dicks more than any other, and revel in the shared attention!
A New Yawwwkah would never be able to form such a sentence.