draftfaceswyg

Elisha and Marmalard will forever be inextricably linked as the top two quarterbacks selected in the 2004 NFL Draft, but more so because they were swapped for one another because Eli Manning is a prissy little bitch who refused to play in San Diego. Also, they’re both tremendously unlikable people. Eli has already had to play the Chargers since that fateful draft day (he lost), but that was back in 2005 when Breesus was still at the helm of the offense. “NOW IT’S LASERFACE’S TURN TO INFLICT NUTPUNCHING ANGUISH ON LESSER MANNINGS! TELL ME THAT’S FLIPPIN’ SWEET, SHARTBOTTLE!” Anyway, WHO YA GOT?

Contestants

Eli Manning______________________Philip Rivers

Best friend

Moishe_________________________Abstinence Alvin

Sworn enemy

Crest Cavity Creeps_____________________Jay Cutler

Hobbies

Squash, antiquing, Star Wars Lego set building, building tree forts_____Church, kicking ass, talking shit, talking church, kicking shit, churching ass

Which part of his team’s defense aggressively sucks?

Pass defense__________________Run defense (but really the entire unit)

Proudest moment

Chewed entire package of Bubble Tape all at once________I TAKE PRIDE IN EVERY MOMENT OF BEING THE FUCKTASTICALLY BESTSATIONAL FLOATBACK THAT THERE EVER WAS OR WILL BE

Planned excuse for losing

FOOT OWIES, also distracted because psyched about flippin’ sweet new Avatar trailer______LaToeInjury, Norv, Chris Chambers’ ex-girlfriend, linemen, weather, fornicators, possibly others

Finishing move

Taking the ball and going home in a huff_______Still taunting fans hours after the game is over