2004 Draft QBs With Fewer Rings Than the Giant Tard Taken Several Picks Later. WHO YA GOT?
Elisha and Marmalard will forever be inextricably linked as the top two quarterbacks selected in the 2004 NFL Draft, but more so because they were swapped for one another because Eli Manning is a prissy little bitch who refused to play in San Diego. Also, they’re both tremendously unlikable people. Eli has already had to play the Chargers since that fateful draft day (he lost), but that was back in 2005 when Breesus was still at the helm of the offense. “NOW IT’S LASERFACE’S TURN TO INFLICT NUTPUNCHING ANGUISH ON LESSER MANNINGS! TELL ME THAT’S FLIPPIN’ SWEET, SHARTBOTTLE!” Anyway, WHO YA GOT?
Eli Manning______________________Philip Rivers
Best friend
Moishe_________________________Abstinence Alvin
Sworn enemy
Crest Cavity Creeps_____________________Jay Cutler
Hobbies
Squash, antiquing, Star Wars Lego set building, building tree forts_____Church, kicking ass, talking shit, talking church, kicking shit, churching ass
Which part of his team’s defense aggressively sucks?
Pass defense__________________Run defense (but really the entire unit)
Proudest moment
Chewed entire package of Bubble Tape all at once________I TAKE PRIDE IN EVERY MOMENT OF BEING THE FUCKTASTICALLY BESTSATIONAL FLOATBACK THAT THERE EVER WAS OR WILL BE
Planned excuse for losing
FOOT OWIES, also distracted because psyched about flippin’ sweet new Avatar trailer______LaToeInjury, Norv, Chris Chambers’ ex-girlfriend, linemen, weather, fornicators, possibly others
Finishing move
Taking the ball and going home in a huff_______Still taunting fans hours after the game is over
Tags: elisha, marmalard, who ya got?, xmas ape
November 6th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
I’m totally going to church some ass this weekend.
November 6th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
Crest Cavity Creeps
Fucking cavity creeps!
November 6th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
That picture makes Lazerface look like the younger brother in 16 Candles.
November 6th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
WE PUT HOLES IN TEETH.
November 6th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
Floatin’ sweet!
November 6th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
Ah, a younger, less jaded Laserface. You’d better kindly trade somebody!
November 6th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
I use Crest, so ain’t no cavity creeps in my grill
November 6th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
A Steelers fan I know once told me that the Steelers really wanted Rivers over Ben in that year’s draft (this is what he said, I have no idea if it is true or not). Ape rooting for a team QB’d by Rivers would have been fun to watch.
November 6th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
Signature catch phrase
Elisha: flippin’ sweet!
Marmalard: ya better ask someboddddaaaayyyy!
Winner: Rivers
November 6th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
Eli’s uncomfortable look makes me think some hot chick just offered to show him her vagina.
November 6th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
If I was a coach in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE, I’d take Lazerface. But, I’d make him run laps every day, the dick.
November 6th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
How awesome would it be if the Raiders made a play for Cutler. Laserface, Cutlerfucker and Neckbeard in the same division?
November 6th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
I fail to see what’s wrong with eating an entire case of Bubble Tape or bag of Big League Chew.
November 6th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
Manning. At least he can throw a FORWARD pass.
November 6th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
You say “still taunting fans hours after the game is over” like it’s a bad thing. Whatever.
November 6th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
I’ll take a pile of burning tires over either.
November 6th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
@ Dr. Ken- Who knew you were a Raiders fan? Sorry, the tires are more mobile than JabbaMarcus, my bad.
November 6th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
I got Manning winning this one and righting the ship. Although it wont really be manning that wins it. Just that giant ass gorilla Rb they got.
/So happy his team picked Roethlisberger and laughs at these fools.
November 6th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
Manning gave us 18-1 and Rivers gives us balls that depend on the rotation of the earth for their ability to cover distance (that’s why when they change sides, they call a lot of running plays…look it up).
I take Manning.
November 6th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
So, Sexy Friday came a bit early for the ladies, eh?
November 6th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
Just take a look at those photos. take a good long look.
christ.
November 6th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
[img]http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2524/4073720922_47614a1f61_o.jpg[/img]
November 6th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
Manning will throw at least one pick to Cromartie within the opening 27 seconds of NY’s first posession…that includes the time in which he is busy adjusting the line and listening to the voice from TecmoBowl say, “ready down hut hut hut hut hut…” in his head.
And I’m a Giants fan.
November 6th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
Church, kicking ass, talking shit, talking church, kicking shit, churching ass
OK this made me laugh out loud for a few minutes. Maybe it was the churching ass part, but well played.
I’ll take Rivers for 100 float dollars Alex.
November 6th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
I opened this with my eyes half squinted, because I fully expected a “Who looks creepier with mouth eyes?” category.
/relieved
November 6th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
Which part of his team’s defense aggressively sucks?
Pass defense__________________Run defense (but really the entire unit)
Actually, “really the entire unit” applies to the Giants defense right now too. But help is on the way because ZOMG THE GIANTS BENCHED C.C. BROWN FOR AARON ROUSE !!1! Guuuuuuhhhhhhh….
/depressed Giants fan
//antagonizes Ape for homerism in working Steelers into title of this post
November 6th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
Let’s church some ass this Sunday!
November 6th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
Does Laserface frown upon sexting? Could have gotten to help chambers sooner.
November 6th, 2009 at 4:01 pm
Any Charger fan knows that as soon as Eli says “Omaha” they need to start waving shiny objects in his line of sight.
November 6th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
Hobbies: Squash, antiquing, Star Wars Lego set building, building tree forts
Licking the cream.
November 6th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
Wow I’m glad u reminded me of that commander. How does little Elisha the quarteredest of backs continue tipping the D even after the fucking guys calling the game announced it on national television! “Ok guys I’m ready to hikes it meow so we can play big boy ball for funsies!” aka “Omaha” If I’m paying an employee over ONE HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS I’d make damn sure he didn’t display such an epic lack of judgement. BTW Carson Palmer has superior arm strength/accuracy/blitz recogntion/beard growing ability than either of those cumdumpsters!
November 6th, 2009 at 6:29 pm
Laser face looks 17. But Elisha looks 12, so there is some advantage. Time tested : Elisha blowup or Laserface SCREAMFEST. I go with Screamfest.
November 6th, 2009 at 7:04 pm
God Elisha just looks like such a sopping vag in that picture. Must be fucking tough to go first overall to SAN DIEGO. King Philip the Laserfaced looks positively fucking thrilled.
November 7th, 2009 at 1:39 am
Rivers is asking for some moutheyes action.
Also, how can a team without Rivers have a lofty receiver?
http://i37.tinypic.com/24g600k.jpg
November 7th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
cavity float
November 8th, 2009 at 11:21 am
Yeah that pic DOES make him look like the little brother in 16 Candles. Good call.