This is the place of Pay-tree-uts legends dating back to 2002! Way-uh Tom Terrific became an icon and the Greatriots wah ushahed into the pantheon of the immahtals. We could nevah lose a big game he-uh! New Ahlins should get a baseball team so the Sawx can stomp they-uh dahhkie cunts into a mud hole! Multi-spaht dawmination!

I just watched a bootleg of that movie with that faggot Nicholas Cage way-uh he’s a rogue cawp who leers at iguanas and pretends to help the bad guys while he’s really bringing them down from the inside. THAT WAS CLEARLY A RIP-AWF OF THE DEPAHTED! NO ONE DENIES THIS! SOMEONE TRIED TO TELL ME ONCE THAT THE DEPAHTED WAS A REMAKE OF A FACKIN CHINK MOVIE SO I SCISSAH KICKED HIM IN THE SACK AND DISLAWGED ONE A HIS TESTICLES! IT MADE ME FEEL LIKE FRED LYNN!

They do nawt even have interesting racism in New Ahlins. Down there it’s just dahhhhkies versus the Cajun rednecks. That is bahring. In Bawston, we has nuances in our racial hatred. The Guineas hates the Irish. The Irish hates the Guineas. The Spics and the Daahkies share an uneasy truce. AND EVERYONE HATES THE MAN DAHHHKER THAN HE! That is real racial dishahmony. Nawt this bush league bayou bullshit.

Peyton Manning is a cheating fagface, but he has earned his dues by losing many times to the Greatriots, so we allow him to win against us now and again. DREW BREES HAS NAWT PAID HIS DUES!

YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK! FACK YOU SPAHTS ILLUSTRATED! JETAH IS THE SPAHTSMAN OF NO YE-UH!

Albert Haynesworth prefers his skinny bitches on the rag. From City Paper’s Dave McKenna: “Junkies producers said Haynesworth’s go-to drink is Skinny Bitch on the Rag, described as a vodka and club soda with a splash of cranberry.” It should be noted that a proper “skinny bitch” is made with Diet Coke and vodka (whereas a skinny model bitch is made with Diet Coke, vodka, and cocaine). I’d alert the Junkies to the difference, but they’d probably just call me f*ggot before moving on to their next segment on how hard the Redskins suck. [Cheap Seats]

When we last left blood and guts reporter Peter King, he was asking Roger Goodell all the tough questions, like what his favorite constellation is, and which dipping sauce the commish enjoys with his McNuggets (Sweet and sour? That’s crazy talk).

So what about this week? Will Peter demand even more Funkhauser in his life? Will he be stunned by the sight of B&T trash flipping the bird to a camera? And whose car will Brad Childress smell? Read on, but FIRST. A message to our lofty compatriot.

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Hypocycloids shaved into the back of your head AND yellow camo? NO! We’re supposed to make fun of THEM for that! It almost ruins the effect of Ravens fans becoming towel spinning tards for a night.

My little adventure in being a pretend journalist for another day was a pointless exercise in self-denial and disturbing amounts of sobriety. The press box may offer a nice view of the field, Internet access and free deli sandwiches for fat writers, BUT IT IS NO LIFE FOR ME! I require screaming, booze, hateful epithets and copious taunting. Sure, it recalled to me my stodgy days in “J-SCHOOL” but that’s before I broke through to the “NU-SKOOL” of blogging. So in the future, I will continue enjoying my football far from the glitterati of the media, where I can make my dick jokes and drink my gutter liquor without concern of violating some cockamamie idea of professionalism. Also, I passed Bob Costas in the hallway without Falcon Punching him. I’ll understand if you think me a sell out.

But I did get to ask Mike Tomlin a stupid question and see Hines cry in the locker room. Totes worth it!

Wooo, Sunday Night Football! Oh wait, Steelers-Ravens? Can I downgrade that “Wooo” to a “Meh”?

Yes, it’s Pittsburgh versus Baltimore in the race for second place in the AFC North. The Steelers are without Ben Roethlisberger, backup QB Charlie Batch, and Head & Shoulders spokesmodel Troy Polamalu. In place of Roethlis-Batch will be rookie fifth-round draft pick and former Oregon Duck Dennis Dixon, who — as Cris Collinsworth will tell you several times tonight — has only thrown one pass in the NFL until now.

Thus, in order for the game to stay interesting tonight, we’ll need to cull all the hate these two teams inspire. I hate the Steelers. Christmas Ape hates the Ravens. Ravens fans hate Christmas Ape. Ed Reed hates not throwing laterals. 21st century industry hates both cities. And EVERYONE hates Ray Lewis.  HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE!!!!!!!!!!

Today’s lackluster slate of games continues…

Chicago at Minnesota – NFL.com recommends that fantasy owners start Purple Jesus against the Bears today. Thanks to the Shield for that otherwise unobtainable nugget of wisdom. They also recommend against sticking your dick in a piranha tank.

Kansas City at San Diego – Can the Chefs make it three in a row? No, they cannot.

Jacksonville at San Francisco – The Jaguars have won four of their last five games. The Niners are losers of five of their last six. Meanwhile, Peter King retweets the musings of someone named “blumpkinfarts”:

Arizona at Tennessee – Kurt Warner is still feeling the effects of last week’s concussion and will not start today. If backup Matt Leinart gets the win (doubtful), he’s partying at The Valley Ball tomorrow night.

[ via Uncoached & Cajun Boy ]

You would think the preponderance of piss poor games on Thanksgiving would free up some quality for the early slate on Sunday, but then you’d think a lot of other things that are stupid and wrong. Instead, we’ve got a slate of dreck toplined by two AFC divisional contests that were very closely contested by the inferior team the first time around (Cleveland was headed for a tie in Cincy before Bengals players had to convince Marvin Lewis to go for the victory, while Kris Brown did his thing in missing a field goal to force overtime a few weeks back in Indy) which means the better team will probably win in a massacre now. BUT NOT SO FAST! Spinnin’ Dwight Freeney is out for the Colts and Cedric Benson is inactive in Cleveland. Freeney’s absence could have some significance, but the loss of Benson probably won’t affect anything beyond fantasy rosters.

Also, the Texans signed Brian Russell this week. As if Peyton didn’t have enough DBs to pick on.

What other pointless affairs do we have to monitor?

Miami at Buffalo: Have the Bills hired Mike Shanahan yet? No? Good I’d rather they hold out for Mike Zimmer anyway. I still think Ricky Williams should have won Meast last week over Matt Stafford. How hard is it to look great against the Browns?

Seattle at St. Louis: [Casts around for something to say about this game] Hey, look at this wacky picture!

Carolina at Pussytubers: They already castrated a jaguar. Do they have to run through the entire cat family?

Tampa Bay at Atlanta: Because Raheem Morris needs to be a little more overwhelmed as a rookie head coach, he stripped his defensive coordinator of his duties and will call defensive plays himself.

Washington at Philly: I think the Maj is too busy getting Gilbert Arenas a million Twitter followers to bother with this game.

There’s still plenty of time to get your bets in before the games begin, so wipe the crap out of your eyes, heat up the last of your leftover stuffing, and continue after the jump for some questionable picks.

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It’s the day after Thanksgiving, and therefore high time for lethargy. I think the summation of my actions today include eating a few leftovers, typing out a few lazily composed blog posts and catching a matinee show of Fantastic Mr. Fox. Wait, that’s actually a comparatively ACTIVE day by my standards. Best get to the sexiness so I lie back down.

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CAN BROOKS BOLLINGER DO WHAT TOM BRADY COULD NOT?! Pee standing up? HARF HARF HARF. No, I mean complete a perfect season. That’s right, UFL title game! TUSKERS! LOCOS! J.P. LOSMAN! BROOKS BOLLINGER! VERSUS! 3 P.M.! I was actually considering live blogging the game, which I think will be easily more entertaining than the trio of blowouts yesterday, but sadly I have DirecTV, which no longer carries Versus because of some stupid cable company pissing match with Comcast (there goes my abysmal NHL coverage too!) Doug Flutie will be in the booth and Kordell Stewart will serve as a sideline reporter. Winner gets to kiss Kordell!