0201021P RAIDERS V PATRIOTS X

This weekend, the Patriots are playing the only team in the NFL that could possibly make me root for them, the Purplish Carrion Crows of Deepest Rottencrotch (Officially: Lord Baltimore’s seaside queef depot).

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P-Drizzle, so jovial

So it would be the ideal time for me to admit that for the past few months I’ve been seeing a girl who’s (GASP!) a Boston fan. Me! The guy who hates Boston sports teams so much! It’s like I’m actually able to compartmentalize preferences in trivial things and focus on a person’s other, more important, qualities (like tits)! Me! The guy who usually isn’t able to compartmentalize preferences in trivial things and focus on a person’s other, more important, qualities (like tits)!

Luckily, she doesn’t understand football nor does she care at all about the game. This might otherwise be an issue, but is fantastic in this circumstance because her not caring is the only thing keeping her from being a Patriots fan.

(She does actually own a Tedy Bruschi jersey and threatened to wear it to my D.C. book reading. Or just wear it at all. In response, I vowed to visit swift death upon her, which was a surprisingly effective deterrent. Try that one in the future, you guys)

Granted, I still have to put up with (if she’s reading, that means ADORE) the SAWX stuff, but I don’t particularly care about baseball and it’s fun to go to Nationals games and laugh at how she fumes when the Nats play “Sweet Caroline” during pitching changes (“THAT’S OW-UH FACKIN SONG! NO ONE DENIES THIS! EVERYONE HE-UH IS A FACKIN COWPYCAT! THEY AH-RUNT BAHSTONISH ENOUGH!”).

Plus she frequently and openly admits that no one cared about the Pats until they started winning titles, and she gets irritated whenever she talks with someone from back home in Boston who brings up the Patriots while the Red Sox are still playing (“They never used to do that before!”).

So keep reinforcing all the negative stereotypes I have of Bawston football fans, honey, and we’ll get along just fine.

Anyway, your Meast this week is the Detroit Lions. Yes, all of them. Because they won a game, you see. So good job, Larry Foote, er, I mean, everybody! Also, Matt Stafford has fine taste in skanks.

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And thank goodness the Lions won, because otherwise we’d be forced to give the Meast to goddamn Peyton Manning. Not that I hate the guy (I don’t) but of all the homer commenters who vent on this site, Colts fans are by far the most annoying dribblecunts when in comes to lobbying for their cherished Fetus Head to win our pointless and arbitrary weekly award.

“Hey, why didn’t you make Peyton the Meast? He only threw for 300-plus yards on four pass attempts, while the offense only had 17 seconds overall in time of possession. He totally makes up for the fact that our run defense couldn’t stop any random running back from averaging six yards per carry.”

“Did you see how funny those ads Pey-Pey has with Justin Timberlake? He makes the people around him funnier! I wonder if Justin does a Dallas Clark impression! Make Peyton the Meast this week and every week! Even during the off-season!”

The last thing I want to do is encourage – or even placate – these raving dipshits, so thanks Lions. You’re the bestest. (But seriously though, don’t be the bestest in Week 5)

Our Least this week could not reasonably be awarded to one hapless individual, so we have riven the dishonor in twain to bestow it upon Jim Zorn, whose random acts of fuckwittery cost his team a game to the fucking Lions, and Jake Delhomme, who will lose to everybody until he is mercifully benched or shot. They also make a fine pair because they’re cornball assholes who aw-shucks their way through sucking.

Hey, look, another Downfall parody! No one in the sports blogosphere ever does that! I guess this one’s different because Redskins fans have Hitler represent their team’s Jewish owner. Oopity!

Someday in near future, when Will Leitch cashes in on his lucrative raisin futures, I hope he will purchase the foundering Jaguars, relocate them to Mattoon, rename them the Fiddlesticks, and fill the roster with nothing but players incapable of or unwilling to swear properly.

Jim Zorn will be their coach. Jake Delhomme will be their quarterback. A bunch of other dithering white players will handle the rest.

[Sideline reporter talks with hollow-eyed Leitch, who watches his team trail 132-0 with 8:31 remaining in the 1st quarter]

Leitch: “Aw cramblebit stew! We almost forced ‘em into a second down on that series! Heavens to Willie McGee, I believe this stratagem was ill-conceived!”