Your Jonny Gruden Drinking Game For This Evening
I was supposed to go to the game tonight in Minneapolis. I was going to eat. I was going to drink. I was to going to masturbate with barbecue sauce. It was going to be glorious. Alas, itineraries were confused and now here I am, stuck where I always am. As ever. BUT ALL IS NOT LOST. There is still a game on tonight, AND I don’t have to go anywhere or talk to anyone. Situation: Improved. So I’ve got that going for me.
But one problem with watching the game from home tonight is that I will be subject to the Favre talk on ESPN tonight. Tirico can try and stem the tide all he likes, but he’s got two QBfuckers next to him in the booth. Keep in mind that Jon Gruden was the person who coined the term “concrete cyanide”. He also said last week that Jake Delhomme led the league in grit. Yes, he did. He did. I swear he did, and it was horrible, and it can’t be undone no matter how much I wish it could. Any analyst who says something that dumb has lost me forever. Gru is powerless to fawn over Brett Favre, whom he once coached and no doubt strolled in many a meadow with.
There’s only one way to overcome Gruden’s adoration: drinking. Yes, it’s the old drinking game gag. Consider it your livebloggy warmup for this evening. Chug any time you hear Gruden says any of the following things:
THIS GUY’S A COMPETITOR.
HE FLAT OUT COMPETES.
THIS GUY IS HERE TO PLAY.
I DON’T THINK ANY OF THESE GUYS ARE GONNA GET CAUGHT UP IN ANY OF THAT STUFF, MIKE.
THE TIME FOR TALK IS OVER. NOW IT’S TIME TO PLAY.
YOU THINK BRETT FAVRE ISN’T STILL PUMPED TO BE PLAYING IN THIS LEAGUE?
YOU THINK THIS TEAM IS GLAD BRETT FAVRE DECIDED TO UNRETIRE?
MIKE, THIS GUY JUST HAS WHAT IT TAKES.
THIS GUY IS A PLAYER.
THIS GUY JUST PLAYS.
THIS GUY JUST KNOWS HOW TO PLAY.
THIS GUY JUST GOES OUT AND PLAYS.
THIS GUY IS A PLAYER WHO KNOWS HOW TO GO OUT AND PLAY.
THIS GUY JUST RUNS.
THIS GUY JUST TACKLES.
THIS GUY JUST HOLDS. (NOTE: only when said in reference to Allen Barbre.)
THIS GUY WILL HIT YOU, JAWS.
THIS GUY JUST GETS IT DONE, TIME AND AGAIN.
YOU TALK ABOUT TOUGH, YOU TALK ABOUT ANTOINE WINFIELD.
THAT THROW WAS SHEER GUTS, RIGHT THERE.
AARON RODGERS HAS KEPT HIS POISE THROUGH THIS WHOLE ORDEAL (NOTE: shot must be done with Tommy Craggs)
THIS GUY LEADS THE LEAGUE IN DETERMINATION.
THIS GUY LEADS THE LEAGUE IN STICKTUITIVENESS.
THIS GUY LEADS THE LEAGUE IN STUBBLE.
60 MINUTES!
See you for the game, children.
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October 5th, 2009 at 2:44 pm
‘I was going to eat. I was going to drink. I was to going to masturbate with barbecue sauce. ‘
So, just a typical Monday but in Minnesota?
October 5th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
Do a double-shot if he ends the phrase with “bro”.
October 5th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
I would add, drink every time they mention Favre will turn 40 years old this Saturday. Can’t wait for the Favre-kakke live blog.
October 5th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
I wish I could participate in this drinking binge tonight but I stuck letter openers in each one of my ears in anticipation of this game/Farve blowing marathon.
October 5th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
That list is waaaaaaaay to long. Just take a shot every time that Chuckie or Jaws says “outstanding” or “nobody does XXX like YYY”. My head is already hurting.
October 5th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
I almost never watch football but I’ve seen/heard enough of it that, according to these guidelines, I predict near-fatal BAC by end of first quarter.
DON’T DO IT, DREW! It’s not worth it, man. Just turn the sound off and do your own play-by-play.
October 5th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
What about “he’s just like a kid out there”?
October 5th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
I can continue to enjoy barbeque in all its glorious forms.
October 5th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
This drinking game could kill me before the first commercial break, and I’m Irish.
October 5th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
This is going to be the best liveblog of the year – hopefully the game is a good one and the over hits (44.5 as of this morning).
Last week around halftime of the Cowboys/Panters game the prevailing theme in the LiveBlog was “Seriously, I could be jacking off instead of watching this.” It was that bad.
October 5th, 2009 at 2:57 pm
Too bad the bar I am going to doesn’t have wifi. I could try to live blog with the iphone, but it isn’t the same.
October 5th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
Wrangler ad
October 5th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
Bullshit. Drew can’t go to Minnesota because he has several outstanding warrants stemming from an incedent at a strip club with an all-you-can-eat buffet.
October 5th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
Chug a beer every time he says “Boy, I’d take a player like that on my team any day.”
October 5th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
My favorite drinking game is called “drink all the beer in the beer can/bottle”
October 5th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
Flipping between MNF and Ben Roethlisberger hosting WWE Raw will make this night awesome.
October 5th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
I think we should add “swagger” to the list.
October 5th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
I am going to be drunk off my ass by halftime. It is completely clear to me.
October 5th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
@Amp: I just got back from a vacation in Ireland. GUINNESS ROCKS!
October 5th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
I’m going for the High Score!
October 5th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
@Gino: Actually, Charlie has the High Score.
October 5th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
Hey man, your clock won’t flush!
October 5th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
Let’s drink until we can’t feel feelings anymore!
October 5th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
You forgot THAT’S JUST A GREAT FOOTBALL PLAY
October 5th, 2009 at 3:31 pm
Sorry about the mix up Drew. We’re going to fuck a bunch of fat chicks in your honor tonight.
/fat people jokes
October 5th, 2009 at 3:35 pm
Jesus Drew. With that list I’ll be dead from alcohol poisoning before that fucking country retard is even done singing his “witty” opening song.
October 5th, 2009 at 3:35 pm
Slash, you lost me at “I almost never watch football. But in tonight’s case it works to your benefit. GAAHHDDD this is gonna suck. Unless a 3000 pound chunk of the homer dome comes down and lands squarely on Brit Farrs legs rendering him done forever. In which case, this becomes the best football night in the history of all football nights.
October 5th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
You forgot these:
THIS GUY IS A WINNER.
THIS GUY IS A LEADER.
THIS IS WHY HE’S A LEGEND OF THE GAME.
May have to skip tonight. I don’t know if my sanity could take it.
October 5th, 2009 at 3:38 pm
No mention of the sandlot?
October 5th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
For a short while yesterday, the Titans/Jags game had technical difficulties which resulted in the telecast having no audio from the booth. Field noise and public address announcer only. It was great.
October 5th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
HAVE I MENTIONED TO YOU, JAWS, THAT BRETT FAVRE USED TO PLAY FOR THIS VERY TEAM HE NOW STANDS OPPOSED TO? HOW AMAZING!
October 5th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
They wouldn’t let Drew on the plane with his carry-on gravy.
October 5th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
All that drinking will help make up for all the liquid I incredulously spat out when Gruden made his preseason prediction that the Seahawks would win the NFC West.
October 5th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
I was to going to masturbate with barbecue sauce.
Semen coated baby back ribs, huh? Take your semen any way you can get it, huh?
October 5th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
“masturbate with barbecue sauce.”
is that better than peanut butter that was discussed during last MNF live glog?
October 5th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
if you really want to die, drink every time jaws uses 10 words to say something that normally takes 4. Observe:
Jaws: “THIS QUARTERBACK’S A GREAT FOOTBALL PLAYER IN THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE.”
Human beings: “This guy is good.”
October 5th, 2009 at 3:55 pm
Drink when one of them uses the word “FOOTBALL” when there’s no fucking need to use it.
October 5th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
HE’S THROWING IT AROUND LIKE HE’S IN HIS BACK YARD!
October 5th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
glad to know ill be drunk for a week after the game.
October 5th, 2009 at 4:19 pm
Tomorrow’s injury report:
Chad Pennington is out with a shoulder
[some other guy] is out with a knee
Entire KSK Readership is out with a liver
October 5th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
I really wasn’t planning on drinking tonight, but I think you just talked me into it.
October 5th, 2009 at 5:03 pm
@johndewar: Really? Favre in Purple, versus Packers, Farvian led-Vikes undefeated so far, AND MNF?
I started drinking on August 2nd in preparation for the game (mostly to blot-out the MNF crew).
Thank the Purple Jesus for Paul Allen on KFAN.
October 5th, 2009 at 5:14 pm
Are you going to boycott the airline? How much coffee flavored water did you drink at the airport? Were the roads clogged? Did you walk at all? Is there a new Clint movie in your future? These are things football fans need to know.
October 5th, 2009 at 5:38 pm
Somehow I missed this. Did he actually literally say and mean “leads the league in grit?” Or was he saying that in the Ken Tremendous way–as in “David Eckstein leads the NL in shortness and grit”?
October 5th, 2009 at 5:51 pm
Fuck Allen Barbre
October 5th, 2009 at 5:53 pm
I was wondering since your ticket was booked for 8 days later, are you still gonna go to Minnesota for shits and giggle or did Gawker cancel that. I did print this list out to take to the bar so i should be wasted by the first drive.
October 5th, 2009 at 6:26 pm
Come on Farve, put in the INT play! Hey, go for it, lets put in 3. Oink.
October 5th, 2009 at 7:23 pm
There’s absolutely no way in hell I’m playing this game tonight, mainly because I don’t want to know if it’s possible to develop cirrhosis in three hours.
I also thought that Wes Welkah led the league in grit. Or was it scrappiness? Damned if I can remember……
October 5th, 2009 at 7:37 pm
“Did he actually literally say and mean “leads the league in grit?””
Yup.
October 5th, 2009 at 8:07 pm
Gruden said that in the preseason game vs the Gints. The same game he stated Dwill was the best RB in the league (even above AP) and called Smitty “Freddie Kruger” for the first time (he used the Kruger line again last week in the Dallas game).
Chucky loves him some NFC Souf.
October 5th, 2009 at 11:19 pm
I’m too hungover from watching Brees NOT throw TDs for the second week in a row.
October 6th, 2009 at 12:31 am
I’m too drunk to be 4-0. Somebody changed the score.
It was probably Jared Allen. Anyone have a pancake?
October 6th, 2009 at 12:58 am
I love the new addition to this year’s MNF train wreck. “His factor stat is off the charts.” Wha…wait… no,seriously. What? I recognize those as words, but in that order? Beck lyrics make more sense.
October 6th, 2009 at 9:37 am
I can’t take credit for this line, but I wish I could. Read on Twitter: “If Gruden comes down to the field and starts dry humping Favre, is that considered roughing the passer?”