Cleveland Browns fan John Thompson, better known by his nom de fatass “Big Dawg”, has apparently reached a settlement with “Madden NFL” manufacturer Electronic Arts. Thompson, the living embodiment of every negative Cleveland stereotype, sued EA over its use of his likeness (i.e. husky man in a dog mask) in their video games. Congratulations, sir, hopefully the settlement will cover your fines, legal fees and court costs in your OTHER legal matter. [makes "drinky, drinky motion ] If you have a few minutes, you owe it to yourself to cruise the comments in that cleveland.com article. [Thanks to miamidiesel for the link.]
Now a look at a god-awful crop of early games…
What if I told you that the only watchable game among the 1pm slate involved the Cincinnati Bengals. Is that something you would be interested in?
Cincinnati at Baltimore—Two 3-1 teams battling for first place in the AFC North yet Ochocinco has managed to hijack the buzz for himself. Ray Lewis shouldn’t have to worry about roughing the passer penalties this week since the league doesn’t care about Carson Palmer’s knees. At least Lewis will get to watch a premier pass rusher in action this week– Antwan Odom.
Minnesota at St. Louis—I wonder if Brett Favre and prospective Rams’ owner Rush Limbaugh would trade pill stories? “Sure team doctors are great, but Panamanian housekeepers are clutch!!!”
Washington at Carolina—Good new for Jim Zorn. If everyone keeps turning Daniel Snyder down, he’ll HAVE to bring you back.
Oakland at NY Giants—Look for a huge upset in this one. (This prediction brought to you by drinking Jim Beam at 10am.)
Tampa Bay at Philadelphia—It doesn’t seem fair that Philly has three quarterbacks while the hapless Bucs have none. Couldn’t Goodell let D-Mac play “all-time quarterback” today? That always worked when I was a kid.
Pittsburgh at Detroit—Matthew Stafford is out this week with a bum knee. This could be Daunte Culpepper’s big chance to show the league he still has what it ta—. Naw, just yanking your chain, he’s gonna get killed out there today.
Dallas at Kansas City—Would be the grand marshal of the shitshow parade, if it wasn’t for…
Cleveland at Buffalo—People in this country are going through hard times. Unemployment and high interest rates abound. On the weekend, they need an escape from the drudgery of their workaday lives. They shouldn’t have to be subjected to games like this. Hopefully broadcast of this game is limited to the Lake Erie area.
Enjoy the games, Ape will be around later for the 4pm tilt.
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Woohoo! Cleveland bloggers discussing Shakespeare, at least once they finally figured out that’s who was being quoted. Definitely more exciting than most of the craptastic early games.
Aw, yeah, Miles Austin!
So glad I picked him up and started him today.
Fucking Cowboys. I just needed you to beat the god damn Chefs. How hard is that? The Raiders beat them. The Raiders!
/bye bye suicide pool
TD Chefs!
Come now, please be a tie. The amount of Suicide Pool losers will be epic.
And no-one deserves it anyway.
If there were a camera just focused on Coach Phillips’s face for an entire Cowboys game, I would watch.
What a whinging bunch of cunts you are. Great upset from Cincy and a few of the other games are at least close. Are you even fucking football fans?
HEY COOCH! YOURE FIRED!!!
Browns/ Bills: Worst game, or THE WORST GAME?
What an ass abortion of a game day. I’ve switched to full time nascar watching.
I hope neither team wins the Chiefs/Cowboys game. That abortion deserves to end in a tie, and Romo doesn’t deserve the credit for a win
Cowboys: WE DID IT!!! WE’RE REALLY GONNA BEAT THE CHIEFS!!!
Haley’s going to kill the entire defense after the game.
bitchbitchbitch
I demand that Gus Johnson call all Bengals games from now on. Hearing him go batshit in the last minute is amusing.
Good thing the officials gave the Bengals about 12 extra tries to win this game.
Bengals win!
The Cowboys line up offsides more than LSU
If Ocho Cinco had a brain, that Ray Lewis hit would have hurt his head.
Go Angels!!!
This Chiefs/Cowboys game is so terrible, it’s entertaining.
That’s roughing the passer? Wow.
At least CBS switched to the Ravens game. The Chiefs/Cowboys game is like watching a retarded kid try to do long division.
@Leigh
Sounds like a somewhat inappropriate cereal mascot. Or possibly cockney rhyming slang for “prostie fucker.”
i fucking hate cbs. i don’t care if the giants are shitting on the raiders i still want to watch the game.
This Bills Browns game is pathetic.
Frostee Rucker (Bengals) is hurt.
Not huge news; I just like saying “Frostee Rucker.”
Man, the Bills/Browns game has some of the best punting I’ve ever seen!
Holy shit, Todd Haley took blame for a terrible challenge? This needs to be marked in history.
theres the Culpepper I know and love :/
cbs: jamarcus russell is unwatchably bad
Yeah, Lions Steelers ain’t looking so hot now either. I think CBS might switch to a more competitive match up, like Fist vs. Baby.
Todd Haley’s still yelling at his team even though they’re winning by 10. Obviously it’s not a solid lead, but dude, stop being an asshole.
@ booferama
Knock knock
who’s there?
Stabbygram!!!!!!
Wow…the Raiders / Giants massacre was so bad that CBS switched to Steelers / Lions after the half in my area.
I think Gus Johnson just called Ray Lewis “Land Shark.”
At this rate, doors are gonna be flien’ open. Oh, thay gon be flien’ open.
@Ben:
I was so close to picking up Maclin yesterday. Instead I decided to go with Miles Austin.
He hasn’t disappointed, but he also hasn’t put up 2 TDs and 100+ yards.
McNabb to Maclin again. Didn’t start either one today. FML
Two turnovers inside the Vikings five by the Rams thus far.
I don’t have anything else to add to that. It’s funny by itself.
Christ on a taco, even when they’re playing the fucking Browns, the Bills still look fucking incompetent.
Someone needs to tell Trent Edwards that he’s allowed to look at more than one receiver before throwing to the flat. Fucking seriously. Watching him play quarterback is like watching your girlfriend trying to play Madden sometimes.
Someone needs to tell the offensive line that it’s made up of practice squadders and duct tape and they have no place in the NFL.
Someone needs to tell Dick Jauron how to coach a team so that it GAINS MORE FUCKING YARDAGE THAN IT LOSES IN FUCKING PENALTIES. Seriously, how the fuck does this man still have a job? Note to Ralph Wilson: when you bring a shitty coach back in the name of “consistency,” this is what you get.
This game is more depressing than fucking midterms. What a sloppy bowl of suck.
At least we lost yet another defensive starter, bringing us just a little bit closer to my new dream of a 1-15 season and the fired head coach (and, if a guy can dream, a fired GM) and high draft pick that comes with it.
ProfessorPher, I totally feel ya man. I figured even Wade Phillips could outcoach Hale. I was so wrong.
The Refs don’t want the Oakland game to be too one-sided.
If Dallas loses, it would be one of the most embarrassing exits from the Suicide Pool.
Wow. Morbidly-obese AND the winner of a frivolous lawsuit? Living the American dream.
“I wash myself with a rag on a stick.”
pick-6 Lions…Big Ben needs the power of the Choco Taco I think.
When did Detroit get a secondary? Have they always been there?
So AB would like me to try Bud Light Golden Wheat? Fuck you, I drink your fine products because you use rice instead of wheat! Wheat beers give me headaches.
/still hungover
BOOM-BABA! BOOM-BABA!
I know how he won his case- he chugged a bottle of Ipecac and then caused a puke chain-reaction in the court room.
So it IS possible to get negative fantasy points out of an offensive player. Thanx Joe!
Hochuli has some sweet wristbands on.
Watching gamecast of the Bucs at work… this is the text for that last play.
J.Johnson FUMBLES (Aborted) at PHI 23, recovered by TB-R.Wilson at PHI 25. R.Wilson for 25 yards, TOUCHDOWN.
It’s like a choose your own abortion book!
It’s 28-0 Giants, and there’s still 11 minutes to go in the 1st half. JaMarcus Russell just might be the worst QB I’ve ever seen in my entire life.
Rams are in the red zone. Turnover is imminent.
OAK @ NYG
The NFL version of the movie SAW.
Chefs 10 Cowboys 0.
/cocks pistol
Classic Favre
“Worst 1pm game today”
(D) Raiders at Giants
Holy Christ, the Raiders are awful.
Holy shit. The Cowboys are so bad that the Chiefs have made no progress on offense yet they’re up 3-0.
Oh no- NFL Redzone is now in HD on comcast. I’ll be lucky if I’m able to feed myself between now and 7:30.
/wishing I had depends
The Raiders are worse.
Holy hell the Rams are awful.
Chefs lead the Cowboys!?! My hangover is not liking this.
/loads pistol
Laces out, Dallas! Christ, did you learn nothing from Ace Ventura?
Ed Reed with the pick six.
That Bingo dude must have been just what the Redskins needed
Before the page loaded, I thought that guy on the right was a certain lofty SI writer
I think they might both wear the same size Chino shorts.
Ha, Mooch jokingly suggested Favre might be hungover today from celebrating his 40th birthday. Then he realized what he said and got real apologetic. “Brett Favre has not a had a drink in 12 years.”
Wait, is Big Dawg that morbidly obese moron in the “who stole the cookies from the cookie jar” ad?
I wonder if Jared Allen would like to meet my sister?
/attempts to keep man-crush in check
//attempts to cure hangover with beer