Your 1pm Open Thread: Crappy Games, Ahoy!
Cleveland Browns fan John Thompson, better known by his nom de fatass “Big Dawg”, has apparently reached a settlement with “Madden NFL” manufacturer Electronic Arts. Thompson, the living embodiment of every negative Cleveland stereotype, sued EA over its use of his likeness (i.e. husky man in a dog mask) in their video games. Congratulations, sir, hopefully the settlement will cover your fines, legal fees and court costs in your OTHER legal matter. [makes "drinky, drinky motion ] If you have a few minutes, you owe it to yourself to cruise the comments in that cleveland.com article. [Thanks to miamidiesel for the link.]
Now a look at a god-awful crop of early games…
What if I told you that the only watchable game among the 1pm slate involved the Cincinnati Bengals. Is that something you would be interested in?
Cincinnati at Baltimore—Two 3-1 teams battling for first place in the AFC North yet Ochocinco has managed to hijack the buzz for himself. Ray Lewis shouldn’t have to worry about roughing the passer penalties this week since the league doesn’t care about Carson Palmer’s knees. At least Lewis will get to watch a premier pass rusher in action this week– Antwan Odom.
Minnesota at St. Louis—I wonder if Brett Favre and prospective Rams’ owner Rush Limbaugh would trade pill stories? “Sure team doctors are great, but Panamanian housekeepers are clutch!!!”
Washington at Carolina—Good new for Jim Zorn. If everyone keeps turning Daniel Snyder down, he’ll HAVE to bring you back.
Oakland at NY Giants—Look for a huge upset in this one. (This prediction brought to you by drinking Jim Beam at 10am.)
Tampa Bay at Philadelphia—It doesn’t seem fair that Philly has three quarterbacks while the hapless Bucs have none. Couldn’t Goodell let D-Mac play “all-time quarterback” today? That always worked when I was a kid.
Pittsburgh at Detroit—Matthew Stafford is out this week with a bum knee. This could be Daunte Culpepper’s big chance to show the league he still has what it ta—. Naw, just yanking your chain, he’s gonna get killed out there today.
Dallas at Kansas City—Would be the grand marshal of the shitshow parade, if it wasn’t for…
Cleveland at Buffalo—People in this country are going through hard times. Unemployment and high interest rates abound. On the weekend, they need an escape from the drudgery of their workaday lives. They shouldn’t have to be subjected to games like this. Hopefully broadcast of this game is limited to the Lake Erie area.
Enjoy the games, Ape will be around later for the 4pm tilt.
Tags: beer gambling and fantasy football embiggens even the crappiest game, open threads, video games
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October 11th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
I wonder if Jared Allen would like to meet my sister?
/attempts to keep man-crush in check
//attempts to cure hangover with beer
October 11th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
Wait, is Big Dawg that morbidly obese moron in the “who stole the cookies from the cookie jar” ad?
October 11th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
Ha, Mooch jokingly suggested Favre might be hungover today from celebrating his 40th birthday. Then he realized what he said and got real apologetic. “Brett Favre has not a had a drink in 12 years.”
October 11th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
Before the page loaded, I thought that guy on the right was a certain lofty SI writer
I think they might both wear the same size Chino shorts.
October 11th, 2009 at 1:34 pm
That Bingo dude must have been just what the Redskins needed
October 11th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
Ed Reed with the pick six.
October 11th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
Laces out, Dallas! Christ, did you learn nothing from Ace Ventura?
October 11th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
Chefs lead the Cowboys!?! My hangover is not liking this.
/loads pistol
October 11th, 2009 at 1:48 pm
Holy hell the Rams are awful.
October 11th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
The Raiders are worse.
October 11th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
Oh no- NFL Redzone is now in HD on comcast. I’ll be lucky if I’m able to feed myself between now and 7:30.
/wishing I had depends
October 11th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
Holy shit. The Cowboys are so bad that the Chiefs have made no progress on offense yet they’re up 3-0.
October 11th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
“Worst 1pm game today”
(D) Raiders at Giants
Holy Christ, the Raiders are awful.
October 11th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
Classic Favre
October 11th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
Chefs 10 Cowboys 0.
/cocks pistol
October 11th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
OAK @ NYG
The NFL version of the movie SAW.
October 11th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
Rams are in the red zone. Turnover is imminent.
October 11th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
It’s 28-0 Giants, and there’s still 11 minutes to go in the 1st half. JaMarcus Russell just might be the worst QB I’ve ever seen in my entire life.
October 11th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Watching gamecast of the Bucs at work… this is the text for that last play.
J.Johnson FUMBLES (Aborted) at PHI 23, recovered by TB-R.Wilson at PHI 25. R.Wilson for 25 yards, TOUCHDOWN.
It’s like a choose your own abortion book!
October 11th, 2009 at 2:01 pm
Hochuli has some sweet wristbands on.
October 11th, 2009 at 2:01 pm
So it IS possible to get negative fantasy points out of an offensive player. Thanx Joe!
October 11th, 2009 at 2:04 pm
BOOM-BABA! BOOM-BABA!
I know how he won his case- he chugged a bottle of Ipecac and then caused a puke chain-reaction in the court room.
October 11th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
So AB would like me to try Bud Light Golden Wheat? Fuck you, I drink your fine products because you use rice instead of wheat! Wheat beers give me headaches.
/still hungover
October 11th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
When did Detroit get a secondary? Have they always been there?
October 11th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
pick-6 Lions…Big Ben needs the power of the Choco Taco I think.
October 11th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
Wow. Morbidly-obese AND the winner of a frivolous lawsuit? Living the American dream.
“I wash myself with a rag on a stick.”
October 11th, 2009 at 2:14 pm
If Dallas loses, it would be one of the most embarrassing exits from the Suicide Pool.
October 11th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
The Refs don’t want the Oakland game to be too one-sided.
October 11th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
ProfessorPher, I totally feel ya man. I figured even Wade Phillips could outcoach Hale. I was so wrong.
October 11th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
Christ on a taco, even when they’re playing the fucking Browns, the Bills still look fucking incompetent.
Someone needs to tell Trent Edwards that he’s allowed to look at more than one receiver before throwing to the flat. Fucking seriously. Watching him play quarterback is like watching your girlfriend trying to play Madden sometimes.
Someone needs to tell the offensive line that it’s made up of practice squadders and duct tape and they have no place in the NFL.
Someone needs to tell Dick Jauron how to coach a team so that it GAINS MORE FUCKING YARDAGE THAN IT LOSES IN FUCKING PENALTIES. Seriously, how the fuck does this man still have a job? Note to Ralph Wilson: when you bring a shitty coach back in the name of “consistency,” this is what you get.
This game is more depressing than fucking midterms. What a sloppy bowl of suck.
At least we lost yet another defensive starter, bringing us just a little bit closer to my new dream of a 1-15 season and the fired head coach (and, if a guy can dream, a fired GM) and high draft pick that comes with it.
October 11th, 2009 at 2:20 pm
Two turnovers inside the Vikings five by the Rams thus far.
I don’t have anything else to add to that. It’s funny by itself.
October 11th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
McNabb to Maclin again. Didn’t start either one today. FML
October 11th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
@Ben:
I was so close to picking up Maclin yesterday. Instead I decided to go with Miles Austin.
He hasn’t disappointed, but he also hasn’t put up 2 TDs and 100+ yards.
October 11th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
At this rate, doors are gonna be flien’ open. Oh, thay gon be flien’ open.
October 11th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
I think Gus Johnson just called Ray Lewis “Land Shark.”
October 11th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
Wow…the Raiders / Giants massacre was so bad that CBS switched to Steelers / Lions after the half in my area.
October 11th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
@ booferama
Knock knock
who’s there?
Stabbygram!!!!!!
October 11th, 2009 at 3:04 pm
Todd Haley’s still yelling at his team even though they’re winning by 10. Obviously it’s not a solid lead, but dude, stop being an asshole.
October 11th, 2009 at 3:06 pm
Yeah, Lions Steelers ain’t looking so hot now either. I think CBS might switch to a more competitive match up, like Fist vs. Baby.
October 11th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
cbs: jamarcus russell is unwatchably bad
October 11th, 2009 at 3:16 pm
theres the Culpepper I know and love :/
October 11th, 2009 at 3:18 pm
Holy shit, Todd Haley took blame for a terrible challenge? This needs to be marked in history.
October 11th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
Man, the Bills/Browns game has some of the best punting I’ve ever seen!
October 11th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
Frostee Rucker (Bengals) is hurt.
Not huge news; I just like saying “Frostee Rucker.”
October 11th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
This Bills Browns game is pathetic.
October 11th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
i fucking hate cbs. i don’t care if the giants are shitting on the raiders i still want to watch the game.
October 11th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
@Leigh
Sounds like a somewhat inappropriate cereal mascot. Or possibly cockney rhyming slang for “prostie fucker.”
October 11th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
At least CBS switched to the Ravens game. The Chiefs/Cowboys game is like watching a retarded kid try to do long division.
October 11th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
That’s roughing the passer? Wow.
October 11th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
This Chiefs/Cowboys game is so terrible, it’s entertaining.
October 11th, 2009 at 3:46 pm
Go Angels!!!
October 11th, 2009 at 3:52 pm
If Ocho Cinco had a brain, that Ray Lewis hit would have hurt his head.
October 11th, 2009 at 3:55 pm
The Cowboys line up offsides more than LSU
October 11th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
Bengals win!
October 11th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
Good thing the officials gave the Bengals about 12 extra tries to win this game.
October 11th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
I demand that Gus Johnson call all Bengals games from now on. Hearing him go batshit in the last minute is amusing.
October 11th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
bitchbitchbitch
October 11th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
Haley’s going to kill the entire defense after the game.
October 11th, 2009 at 4:01 pm
Cowboys: WE DID IT!!! WE’RE REALLY GONNA BEAT THE CHIEFS!!!
October 11th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
I hope neither team wins the Chiefs/Cowboys game. That abortion deserves to end in a tie, and Romo doesn’t deserve the credit for a win
October 11th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
What an ass abortion of a game day. I’ve switched to full time nascar watching.
October 11th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
Browns/ Bills: Worst game, or THE WORST GAME?
October 11th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
HEY COOCH! YOURE FIRED!!!
October 11th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
What a whinging bunch of cunts you are. Great upset from Cincy and a few of the other games are at least close. Are you even fucking football fans?
October 11th, 2009 at 4:13 pm
If there were a camera just focused on Coach Phillips’s face for an entire Cowboys game, I would watch.
October 11th, 2009 at 4:13 pm
TD Chefs!
Come now, please be a tie. The amount of Suicide Pool losers will be epic.
And no-one deserves it anyway.
October 11th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
Fucking Cowboys. I just needed you to beat the god damn Chefs. How hard is that? The Raiders beat them. The Raiders!
/bye bye suicide pool
October 11th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
Aw, yeah, Miles Austin!
So glad I picked him up and started him today.
October 11th, 2009 at 5:18 pm
Woohoo! Cleveland bloggers discussing Shakespeare, at least once they finally figured out that’s who was being quoted. Definitely more exciting than most of the craptastic early games.
December 1st, 2009 at 5:21 pm
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