I thought we’d be a bit short on quality submissions this week, then the reminder went up and we were slammed with dozens of emails. Obviously I couldn’t include all of them, but thanks to those of you who sent in questions. Especially those that didn’t suck. Let’s get started…
I’ve emailed the ‘bag before, as the “Is the finger in the butt during a bj ok?” guy.
Of course, nice to hear from you again.
That issue is in the past, and a new one has come to the forefront. What is the policy on consistently banging a chick that has a kid? I’m all of 24, and don’t have the slightest bit of interest in becoming a father/father figure for a very long time. However, this girl is very hot and I can actually put up with her for more than 30 minutes at a time. But whenever I’m around, I’m forced to hang out with a 3-year-old that I don’t want any part of. Should I just quit being a heartless pussy and suck it up?
If she’s bringing you around her kid then she’s probably more serious about the relationship than you are. Talk to her about the situation and find out where she stands. It’s entirely possible that she has zero interest in you as a father-figure for her child, in which case you’re free to keep seeing her without the pressure of playing that role. However, if you aren’t comfortable being around the kid at all, regardless of your role, then you should probably move on for everyone’s benefit. Surely you can find another potential mate whose presence you can tolerate.
And I’m torn between starting LaToe or Mendenhall. LT has the tougher matchup, while Mendenhall is now sharing with WillieToe Parker (see what I did there?)
This is easy enough. LaDainian has been crap all year and he goes up against Denver’s defense this week. Start Mendenhall against the Browns and don’t waste another minute mulling it over. Parker will get some carries, but not enough to warrant benching Mendenhall.
Finest Gentlemen on the Internet,
I have probably somehow the biggest pile of wide receiver crap in fantasy history (Berrian, Driver, Wallace, Moore) and I have to start 3 of these stiffs per week. I am ok at RB w/Forte, Bradshaw and the Gore/Coffee Combo (start 2). I have had a trade proposed to me where I would receive Bowe and Moreno for the San Fran duo. Would you pull the trigger?
Do it. Bowe immediately becomes your second best wide receiver, and he has plenty of room to improve this season.
Also, I have in a wedding this weekend any recommendations to score a little tail?
Single girls at a wedding want to get laid as badly as you do, so be prepared. Have a few drinks, but don’t get drunk. Make the rounds at the reception and be sociable with everyone. Then identify the best target and move in with some champagne. If she’s at all receptive to your advances then you’re going to have to do a little dancing. If you have skills, then good for you, dick. Otherwise grab another drink and try to maintain your confidence, even if feel like an asshole.
For further information on bagging a coveted bridesmaid check in with our friends at Holy Taco.
High Council of Dickheadery,
Fantasy first: I’ve got a WR and a flex spot open this week, with the following possibilities: D Mason, S Rice, M Manningham, S Morris, C Taylor. Mason’s donut last week helped me to a 4-point loss, my first of the fucking season, so I feel like I’ve gotta bench him. I’m leaning towards Rice and Morris, but am not nearly overwhelmed by either option. What do I do?
Oh that’s a fucking crapshoot. Don’t bench Mason just because he’s coming off of a bad week, that’s how you wind up getting burned twice in a row. Morris is going to get consistent touches (19 last week) without Fred Taylor around, so I’d stick with him at the flex.
Now sex. I’m a senior at a good. small college with infamously unattractive girls. I’ve done fairly well myself, but in a place where girls look like they’re Steelers fans and where every guy is not only smart but is most likely an athlete, it can get rough even for a former football player like myself.
That’s an oddly douchey revelation.
Now I’ve got two girls this semester who I like and think are potential slampigs.
Oh, now I get it. You are a douche.
Girl A is younger, more attractive (short girl, was a dancer, grade A teetahs, funny), but is definitely a relationship type and girl B is a much MUCH less attractive senior who would be good for a fling but that’s about it. Oh ye Gurus of the Gay Mafia, to which of the two should I direct my time and effort? Time is of the essence.
Oh how I hate questions like this. Is it such a bad thing that Girl A is a “relationship” type? I understand that you may not be actively looking for a relationship, but if the options at your college are so limited then perhaps spending time and having sex with somebody you like isn’t the worst thing in the world. If you really are trying to avoid a relationship then why not just go after both? You’re in college, I’m pretty sure that’s allowed.
Fantasy: 5 mediocre receivers (Eddie Royal vs SD, Torry Holt vsSTL, J.Maclin vs. Oak, Nate Washington vs NE, Anotnio Bryant vs Car) I can start 3, PPR league.
Philly spreads the ball around so much that you never can tell who is going to put up the numbers. Maclin exploded last week while DeSean Jackson didn’t do shit. Royal and Bryant are the two safest plays, after that it’s anybody’s guess. Holt will always be good for points, but he still hasn’t scored this season. Fuck it, play Maclin and hope Nnamdi Asomugha locks in on Jackson.
Sex: Do you believe that there is a difference between first degree and second degree cheating? I think that if you are going out of your way to meet up with another girl while you are married/have a girlfriend (premeditated or first degree cheating) it is inexcusable. However, a drunken hook-up or something of that nature, where you didn’t call the girl before hand and wouldn’t call her again (not premeditated, or second degree cheating) while wrong, shouldn’t destroy a relationship. Thoughts?
Whether or not there is a difference (of course there is, it’s similar to the difference between first-degree murder and voluntary manslaughter) it all depends on your significant other and your particular relationship. For a lot of girlfriends/wives (and boyfriends/husbands for that matter) cheating in either form is a deal-breaker, while other couples might be able to work things out over time.
Fantasy first: I’ve got Drew Brees and Joey Flacco on my fantasy team. Which one do I bench this week? vs. the Giants and vs. the Vikings if you don’t want to look offhand.
Sex? Well if you say so…:
My girlfriend likes to pick fights with me after she knows my favorite team has lost (since it’s the goddamn Dolphins, that happens a lot) because it usually results in a cat fight and then what my neighbor calls ‘the best girl fights ever’. But I can’t go to work with marks on me (there’s only so much I can blame on my cat) and my boss already has warned me about “exposed nail marks”. It’s the best sex of my life but it could get me fired. And my girl is a wee bit…um…sensitive? Yeah, we’ll go w/ that. If I complain, it could be NO sex for a bit and a *real* argument. What do I do?
Oh lord, that’s hot. God damn, I wish I had some advice to offer but my brain seems to have stopped working.
You know what? Fuck your boss. That guy sounds like a dick.
Fantasy: bye-week replacement at WR–Maclin @Oakland, Clayton @Min, Caldwell vs Hou
Sex: this girl i met two weeks ago made out with me at the bar after our first ‘date’, gave it up on our second (involving, to her infinite credit, coordinated thigh high socks AND matching black underwear).
Good combination. Lofty combination.
k whatever–she ALSO revealed that she is quote, “kinda really into Ren Faires”
Who the fuck is Ren Faires? Sounds French.
(going so far as to purchase an ‘Elizabethan Riding Gown’ that involved leather lace) and also reads “way too many romance novels”. should i flee in terror? her butt is quite comfortable and she has a delightful rack.
Nah, let’s wait and see how this one plays out. But I’m warning you, that rack better be every bit as delightful as you say.
I’ll combine my football and sex question for you.
The Jagoffs benched Sims-Walker at 3:00 PM Sunday for ‘violating team rules.’ Starting lineups are due by noon and I started him in BOTH my leagues. In both cases, had I known he wasn’t playing, I’d have started my other WR (in one league that would be TJ Hoosh- would have scored 28, I lost by 14. In the other, I lost by ONE.) Jack Del Rio single-handedly fucked me in two leagues. Here’s my sex question: is it morally wrong to fantasize about Del Rio, Bea Arthur circa 1974, and a 15” strap-on nicknamed “The Reaper?”
Screwed Twice in Texas
Don’t blame Del Rio, blame Walker for getting his dick wet after curfew.
FF: I have Schaub, Ben, and Brady in a league where passing TDs are worth 4 and 25 yards is one point. Is it reasonable for me to offer Brady for Dallas Clark to replace John Carlson. Receiving TDs are worth 6 and 10 yards is one point. The other owner turned down a trade of Ben for Kevin Smith this past Saturday, though he does need a QB.
Don’t sell low on Brady, especially if it’s just to upgrade your tight end situation. As Ufford notes, Carlson’s numbers should improve with the Hass back in the saddle. If you are desperate for a new tight end maybe try packaging Schaub and Carlson.
Sex: I am 26 and finally moving out of my parents house. I am hoping to have sex in the apartment I move into. What should I do to accommodate potential lady friends in my new place/bedroom with it’s own bathroom?
– orange line
Good question. For this answer we’re going to bring in the female perspective…
“I had a guy roommate once who was ridiculously clean and tidy. Our apartment was impeccably decorated and his bed was always made. It was creepy. Women he brought home always reacted with raised eyebrows. Some thought he was gay. All of them were a little uncomfortable. Women expect a guy’s apartment to be in some sort of disarray. It makes you cute and a little pathetic, and it automatically makes us want to fix it.
That being said, there are a few things to keep in mind. First of all, make sure there are no razor clippings or manscaping leftovers in the bathroom. Aside from the visual proof that you often miss the seat, nothing is a bigger turn off. And while you’re at it, make sure there’s extra TP and a trash can in there. The place doesn’t have to be crazy clean, but keep the trash in the trash can. Oh, and clean sheets. A darker color will ensure that if you’re behind in the laundry it won’t be obvious (just watch the man juice stains). Keep a bottle of red wine around in case you bring home a classier girl (make sure you have at least two wine glasses), and always be able to offer water suitable for drinking. Oh, and keep the condoms handy, but not out. Women know that you’ve been with other women, they don’t need the visual reminder.”
Damn, the female perspective sure is wordy. Regardless, it’s damn good advice.
Fantasy: half point per reception league, otherwise standard scoring. start 1 QB, 3 WR, 2 RB, 1 Flex. Should I sell high on Ronnie Brown and trade him and LeSean McCoy for Larry Fitzgerald? I already have Randy Moss, Megatron, Sims-Walker, and Lance Moore at wideout, and if I traded those 2 RBs it would leave me with only Pierre Thomas, Ray Rice, and Donald Brown at RB. I’m leaning towards doing the deal, especially with my big 3 wideouts’ bye weeks still coming up and Megatron looking like he won’t play this week. What do you think?
Don’t load up on elite wide receivers at the expense of your running backs. You do not want to leave yourself with Thomas, Rice, and Brown for the rest of the season. Keep that roster balanced.
Sex: My friend’s crazy girlfriend wants to set me up with one of her friends, who I presume is crazy as well. I figure there’s no harm in meeting her, but do you have any tried and true tips on dealing with crazy broads?
Go out on the date and maintain an open mind. If she does turn out to be as crazy as you expect then walk away and don’t look back.
First, Fantasy in the form of trade help. I hold TO and Felix Jones. I have been offered a trade for TJ Houshmadaddy and Ricky Williams. Do I hold on to TO and hope he starts producing, or give him a cya? I really don’t want to let Felix the Cat go either, but worry about him getting-staying healthy. (I have him fingercuffed with Barber in this league cause suprise I thought it would be he who would be injury prone) I am undefeated in this league so far, so I am tempted to just keep things the way they are…
Stay where you are. Barber is an injury risk so you’ll want to have Felix available when he goes down. Ricky will have fewer opportunities to carry the bulk of the load than Jones.
Next, Sex. My guy and I live together, been together a bit and sex life is great. He travels out of town about twice a month for a weekend
and during that time I am always good about sending him dirty texts or pictures while he is away and he loves it.
Oh, I thought you were going in a different direction there.
I just can’t get him to reciprocrate! He is a great guy, and is plenty un-shy and vocal when we are in the flesh, but won’t send me a pic of the meat to save his life. How the hell do I get him to play along? I think he is afraid to send me something I won’t like, but in the situation I don’t have him….I’d be happy with anything dirty he would send me. Help…
Make it plainly evident how deeply you crave his cockmeat. If he’s still reticent it might be out of fear of what you’d do with the pictures if you two were to break up.
FANTASY: I’ve got some interesting choices for Week 6 and I want your advice. Non-PPR, pick 2 RB’s (CJ @NE, Rice-a-roni @MIN, Portis vs. KC, Pierre vs. the G-Men), 2 WR (Roddy vs. Da Bears, Avery @Jac, Braylon vs. the Buffaloes, Bryant vs. CAR, Mason @MIN, Burleson vs. Zona) plus a runner up for the flex spot. At this point I figure Portis and Roddy are the two must plays, CJ and Pierre are probables, but I don’t like their matchups. I’m leaning towards Braylon, but Avery is tempting (coming off his best week against a team Burleson destroyed last week). Thoughts?
For the backs I say go with Johnson and Portis (he’s been hugely disappointing this year, but he’s had a ton of success against the Chiefs). As far as the wide receivers go, I’d play Roddy and Braylon.
SEX: I’m a workaholic and I haven’t tried to use my limited skills with the ladies recently, but I may be moving to a new city for work where I won’t know anybody and I’d like to hit the ground running, lest I become a total shut-in. I figure I should get out there and wet my feet (and something else) before I leave. Any advice on how to overcome the lack of time, energy and recent experience to succeed here before I succeed there?
If you’re too busy to socialize properly then you should try to meet women at places you frequent regularly, like the grocery store or a coffee shop. And try to not put too much pressure on yourself to meet somebody immediately.
*Insert stupid nickname here*
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news and humor before everyone else.