Rape is certainly no laughing matter, despite the fact that we poke fun at it on a near hourly basis on this blog. But in the real world, it isn’t. That is, unless a woman fabricates a patently ludicrous story of a rape or assault by a celebrity, then that’s a whole ‘nother story. It’s the tender tale of Fake Rape. And it’s the laugh riot of the year. Two such examples cropped up just before this 2009 season got underway. Now that the accused square off on the football field, with nothing on their mind than a little permissible forced entry, we examine the accusers and their lying lies that aren’t true. So, WHO YA GOT?
Andrea McNulty_________________________Tila “Tequila” Nguyen
Defendant
Ben Roethlisberger_______________________Shawne Merriman
For the crime of
Unwanted Bentrain ride to sextown_______________Fistual neck hugging
How she crazy?
Romancing fake soldier over the Internet_______Stripping nekkid before storming out to drive home drunk
Will her case go to trial?
Probably_______________________Not even if she blows the DA (she tried)
Things she would buy with cash settlement?
Rescued palomino from the Raped Horses farm_____________Scented boob job
Preferred form of rape
The kind she agrees to then sues for later____________Chokerape
No means…
Something if you’re not famous____________________She’s not drunk yet
Sound the rape whistle, Buster!
Do all women fall for the “come fix my TV” ploy?
Then again…
Initiating move
I DIDN’T_______________________________ME NEITHER!
Finishing move
Wait a year and find out_______________________Mystery rape children!
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I can’t be the only one here who wouldn’t throw Tila out of bed. Can I?
For Rapistburger and ‘Roidrage Merriman I quote my all time favorite comic strip artist Garry Trudeau from when Doonesbury was still good and relevant….”That’s GUILTY! GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY!!”
anytime someone uses a clip from my favorite movie, let alone knows what it is, i get a quarter chub.
/swats at hog, but not because of either cunt up their
“Surprise sex”. That’s awesome AG. And props to Slash and Beaver for the common sense.
We all really are going to hell for this
Ned Beatty hates fake-rape criers.
Oh, my God. Those two pictures side-by-side are just disturbing. Just… gah. That is the anti-boner.
Also, it’s been quite a while since a “who ya got” has made me actually scream out loud: “The meteor! the motherfucking meteor!”
/for serious, i watched a friend deal with a sexual assault almost entirely internally, refusing to tell anybody but me and a couple other friends–and absolutely refusing to pursue legal action–because dealing with that sort of shit is difficult enough, and she had too much pride and shame to actually make it public. Seeing cunts like this who are more than willing to manipulate public sympathy over this issue for whatever shallow personal reasons makes me want to fucking scream. Die, you selfish fucking whores. Die.
YAY for Not Sexy Friday!!!
This is worse than just going cold turkey.
“Qualifications?”
“Rape, murder, arson and rape.”
“You said rape twice.”
“I like rape.”
Alfredo Garcia – Ha. +1.
It’s just surprise sex, what’s all the controversy?
Where is the Pussytubin Sanchize story for this week!?
In defense of Cowboy chick – she probably needs the money.
It’ll probably cost a minimum of 50k to get her teeth/mouth completely rebuilt. Jesus Christ – it’s worse than than a prop clown on a putt putt course.
“my god hes taken rape to a whole new level!”
/rape ape
@Big Black Richard: lead the way, son.
Rape is funny.
“Think of Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd….why do you think they call him Porky!”
/Carlin
I know this is probably giving most of them too much credit, but you’d think pro athletes would be more careful in their associations/acquaintances/behavior. I’m sure they get all kinds of skank action, probably more than any one man could handle (except for Wilt Chamberlain, of course), but they really should learn to start saying “No, thanks.” From baby mamas demanding big support checks to crazy bitches with guns to rape accusations, it’s just too easy for people to believe that athletes stick it in anything that doesn’t move fast enough to get away and anything a woman accuses them of is at least partly true. Along with Republican politicians and Catholic priests, they no longer have any plausible deniability.
And yeah, hope Whoopi enjoyed making that “rape-rape” comment, she’ll be hearing it for the rest of her life. Good one, Whoopi.
What the fuck is wrong with Tila Tequila? That bitch looks like Gizmo from gremlins.
Raper? I barely knew her.
Thats the point.
Can we just agree to take a blowtorch to these two so we can be rid of their fake-rape stories?
/Skanksnatch: DO NOT WANT
I’m always disappointed that there aren’t any good rape questions in the sex mailbag.
I’d do the Crazy Cowgirl chick way before I’d touch that diseased Myspace skank. Phony bisexuals enrage me.
Plus, the more pictures I see of Cowgirl, the more she reminds me of the coach’s wife on “Friday Night Lights,” albeit with a less impressive rack. Still, the coach’s wife is one of the MILFest MILFs on television so I can see how Ben thought she was rape-worthy.
I find it difficult to believe that Tila Tequila is mentally capable of withholding consent.
“according to Whoppi Goldberg, neither case is “rape-rape” so it’s all good.”
We don’t know who did what to whom and why they did what where and when he did that to her and who put who’s old thing in who’s old what
/keenan’d
//knucklepuck!
Well, according to Whoopi Goldberg, neither case is “rape-rape” so it’s all good.
Rape is funny.
Convicted (as in DNA) rapists should be castrated. HOWEVER, false-rape accusers should receive some sort of corporal punishment as well. As in clitoridectomy. Now, in Tila Tequila’s case, I figure her twat is dead anyway from fekking half of hollywierd, but still.
/rant off
@flubby: Mom’s still got it!
Roman Polanski thinks they’re both too old.
Like anyone would want to “R” her.
awfur lapey?
/smirretime
Are we supposed to choose the team or the girl? Cause either way, meteor.
hmmm….
needs more rape.
Tila Tequila doing her best blow-up doll impression. Stay classy, San Diego.
Holy Shit. I had never seen a picture of Ben’s coitus partner. I know this sounds like a stretch…but I don’t think he’s too far off of fucking Fat Steeler Chick if he is willing to do anything with this one.
Don’t wolly Ben, evelything wirr be arlight.