The Rape-Off: Crazy Cowboy Lady vs. Frenzied Sex Gnomette. WHO YA GOT?
Rape is certainly no laughing matter, despite the fact that we poke fun at it on a near hourly basis on this blog. But in the real world, it isn’t. That is, unless a woman fabricates a patently ludicrous story of a rape or assault by a celebrity, then that’s a whole ‘nother story. It’s the tender tale of Fake Rape. And it’s the laugh riot of the year. Two such examples cropped up just before this 2009 season got underway. Now that the accused square off on the football field, with nothing on their mind than a little permissible forced entry, we examine the accusers and their lying lies that aren’t true. So, WHO YA GOT?
Andrea McNulty_________________________Tila “Tequila” Nguyen
Defendant
Ben Roethlisberger_______________________Shawne Merriman
For the crime of
Unwanted Bentrain ride to sextown_______________Fistual neck hugging
How she crazy?
Romancing fake soldier over the Internet_______Stripping nekkid before storming out to drive home drunk
Will her case go to trial?
Probably_______________________Not even if she blows the DA (she tried)
Things she would buy with cash settlement?
Rescued palomino from the Raped Horses farm_____________Scented boob job
Preferred form of rape
The kind she agrees to then sues for later____________Chokerape
No means…
Something if you’re not famous____________________She’s not drunk yet
Sound the rape whistle, Buster!
Do all women fall for the “come fix my TV” ploy?
Then again…
Initiating move
I DIDN’T_______________________________ME NEITHER!
Finishing move
Wait a year and find out_______________________Mystery rape children!
Tags: awful rapey, ben rongrastname, gigantosaur, it's satire people, who ya got?, xmas ape
October 2nd, 2009 at 8:51 am
Don’t wolly Ben, evelything wirr be arlight.
October 2nd, 2009 at 9:09 am
Holy Shit. I had never seen a picture of Ben’s coitus partner. I know this sounds like a stretch…but I don’t think he’s too far off of fucking Fat Steeler Chick if he is willing to do anything with this one.
October 2nd, 2009 at 9:12 am
Tila Tequila doing her best blow-up doll impression. Stay classy, San Diego.
October 2nd, 2009 at 9:15 am
hmmm….
needs more rape.
October 2nd, 2009 at 9:20 am
Are we supposed to choose the team or the girl? Cause either way, meteor.
October 2nd, 2009 at 9:21 am
awfur lapey?
/smirretime
October 2nd, 2009 at 9:24 am
Like anyone would want to “R” her.
October 2nd, 2009 at 9:30 am
Roman Polanski thinks they’re both too old.
October 2nd, 2009 at 9:34 am
@flubby: Mom’s still got it!
October 2nd, 2009 at 9:45 am
Convicted (as in DNA) rapists should be castrated. HOWEVER, false-rape accusers should receive some sort of corporal punishment as well. As in clitoridectomy. Now, in Tila Tequila’s case, I figure her twat is dead anyway from fekking half of hollywierd, but still.
/rant off
October 2nd, 2009 at 9:45 am
Rape is funny.
October 2nd, 2009 at 9:58 am
Well, according to Whoopi Goldberg, neither case is “rape-rape” so it’s all good.
October 2nd, 2009 at 10:08 am
“according to Whoppi Goldberg, neither case is “rape-rape” so it’s all good.”
We don’t know who did what to whom and why they did what where and when he did that to her and who put who’s old thing in who’s old what
/keenan’d
//knucklepuck!
October 2nd, 2009 at 10:08 am
I find it difficult to believe that Tila Tequila is mentally capable of withholding consent.
October 2nd, 2009 at 10:21 am
I’d do the Crazy Cowgirl chick way before I’d touch that diseased Myspace skank. Phony bisexuals enrage me.
Plus, the more pictures I see of Cowgirl, the more she reminds me of the coach’s wife on “Friday Night Lights,” albeit with a less impressive rack. Still, the coach’s wife is one of the MILFest MILFs on television so I can see how Ben thought she was rape-worthy.
October 2nd, 2009 at 10:25 am
I’m always disappointed that there aren’t any good rape questions in the sex mailbag.
October 2nd, 2009 at 10:26 am
Can we just agree to take a blowtorch to these two so we can be rid of their fake-rape stories?
/Skanksnatch: DO NOT WANT
October 2nd, 2009 at 10:37 am
Raper? I barely knew her.
Thats the point.
October 2nd, 2009 at 10:41 am
What the fuck is wrong with Tila Tequila? That bitch looks like Gizmo from gremlins.
October 2nd, 2009 at 10:43 am
I know this is probably giving most of them too much credit, but you’d think pro athletes would be more careful in their associations/acquaintances/behavior. I’m sure they get all kinds of skank action, probably more than any one man could handle (except for Wilt Chamberlain, of course), but they really should learn to start saying “No, thanks.” From baby mamas demanding big support checks to crazy bitches with guns to rape accusations, it’s just too easy for people to believe that athletes stick it in anything that doesn’t move fast enough to get away and anything a woman accuses them of is at least partly true. Along with Republican politicians and Catholic priests, they no longer have any plausible deniability.
And yeah, hope Whoopi enjoyed making that “rape-rape” comment, she’ll be hearing it for the rest of her life. Good one, Whoopi.
October 2nd, 2009 at 11:02 am
Rape is funny.
“Think of Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd….why do you think they call him Porky!”
/Carlin
October 2nd, 2009 at 11:14 am
@Big Black Richard: lead the way, son.
October 2nd, 2009 at 11:16 am
“my god hes taken rape to a whole new level!”
/rape ape
October 2nd, 2009 at 11:18 am
In defense of Cowboy chick – she probably needs the money.
It’ll probably cost a minimum of 50k to get her teeth/mouth completely rebuilt. Jesus Christ – it’s worse than than a prop clown on a putt putt course.
October 2nd, 2009 at 11:18 am
Where is the Pussytubin Sanchize story for this week!?
October 2nd, 2009 at 11:48 am
It’s just surprise sex, what’s all the controversy?
October 2nd, 2009 at 12:15 pm
Alfredo Garcia – Ha. +1.
October 2nd, 2009 at 12:39 pm
“Qualifications?”
“Rape, murder, arson and rape.”
“You said rape twice.”
“I like rape.”
October 2nd, 2009 at 12:42 pm
YAY for Not Sexy Friday!!!
This is worse than just going cold turkey.
October 2nd, 2009 at 1:13 pm
Oh, my God. Those two pictures side-by-side are just disturbing. Just… gah. That is the anti-boner.
Also, it’s been quite a while since a “who ya got” has made me actually scream out loud: “The meteor! the motherfucking meteor!”
/for serious, i watched a friend deal with a sexual assault almost entirely internally, refusing to tell anybody but me and a couple other friends–and absolutely refusing to pursue legal action–because dealing with that sort of shit is difficult enough, and she had too much pride and shame to actually make it public. Seeing cunts like this who are more than willing to manipulate public sympathy over this issue for whatever shallow personal reasons makes me want to fucking scream. Die, you selfish fucking whores. Die.
October 2nd, 2009 at 1:34 pm
Ned Beatty hates fake-rape criers.
October 2nd, 2009 at 3:54 pm
We all really are going to hell for this
October 2nd, 2009 at 6:33 pm
“Surprise sex”. That’s awesome AG. And props to Slash and Beaver for the common sense.
October 2nd, 2009 at 11:44 pm
anytime someone uses a clip from my favorite movie, let alone knows what it is, i get a quarter chub.
/swats at hog, but not because of either cunt up their
October 3rd, 2009 at 12:58 am
For Rapistburger and ‘Roidrage Merriman I quote my all time favorite comic strip artist Garry Trudeau from when Doonesbury was still good and relevant….”That’s GUILTY! GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY!!”
October 5th, 2009 at 2:18 am
I can’t be the only one here who wouldn’t throw Tila out of bed. Can I?