The Officially Licensed Redskins Snyder Sign Post
Dan Snyder: Greetings, subjects. Welcome to the Bi-Weekly Officially Licensed Redskins Leadership Communique, sponsored by Freecreditreport.com.
Crowd: HAIL!
Dan Snyder: Have the Officially Redskins Branded Harris Teeter Meal Rations been to your liking?
Crowd: HAIL!
Dan Snyder: That is welcome news. Some of my advisers cautioned that downgrading to Grade Q meats would cause undue food poisoning. So I had their voice boxes removed.
Crowd: HAIL!
Dan Snyder: First item: Non-Designated Color Attire is hereby banned from all Officially Licensed Public Redskins Outdoor Settings. Failure to act in compliance with this regulation – one that has always been in place despite what you may have heard or experienced previously – will result in penalty of death. Retroactive violations of this always existing rule – those will result in death. Those who do not report observing others trying to violate this rule – death!
Crowd: HAIL!
Dan Snyder: Second item: All persons currently using Officially Authenticated Redskins Transport Modules to their place of work must pay a Personal Occupancy Fee for each minute waiting at the pick-up station. If the module arrives later than its scheduled time, you will be charged double for those minutes. If the module is at full capacity upon arrival, you will shot to prevent overflow.
Crowd: HAIL!
Dan Snyder: Third item: Any person found with legal tender that is not Officially Issued Redskins GaryClarkdollars shall be forced into a lifetime of vending Miller Lites in the FedEx Field restrooms.
Redskins Fan #35601: But you’ve taken all our money already anyway.
Crowd: [Stunned silence]
Dan Snyder: SEIZE HIM!
Dan Snyder: Because of your impudence, this week’s Officially Redskins Branded Harris Teeter Meal Ration will only include TWO leaflets promoting Eastern Motors. End communication.
Crowd: HAIL!
Tags: at least the Redskins were actually good in 1984, dan fucking snyder, xmas ape
![[badge]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/themes/default/images/100121_FOXmsnBadge_200x50.gif)
October 28th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
ksk commenters: HAIL!
October 28th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
Mr. Synder, my Officially Licensed Joe Theisman Wristwatch doesn’t have a 13. I’m ruined!
October 28th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
It’s all Goldstein’s fault!
October 28th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
Well this would explain the O-line. 2+2 = 5, apparently.
October 28th, 2009 at 3:08 pm
So I take it this Snyder fellow is somewhat dictatorial?
Which makes him different from every other team owner how, exactly?
Not defending Snyder, just sayin’.
October 28th, 2009 at 3:09 pm
Almost makes me not hate Jerry Jones.
October 28th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
War is Peace! Freedom is Slavery! Jason Campbell is a good QB!
October 28th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
@ Slash
His failure is more entertaining.
October 28th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
I’m assuming Steinberg will be playing the role of Goldstein here.
October 28th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
60 Minutes of Hate: The story of the 2009 Washington Redskins.
October 28th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
Come on Dan, at Eastern Motors your job is your credit. You know very well that Skins fans don’t have jobs.
October 28th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
What, no leaflets promoting Six Flag’s Inc.?
October 28th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
Two plus two does not always equal four, Winston. Sometimes it equals three. Sometimes it equals five. Sometimes it equals all three. You must work harder if you want to become sane.
October 28th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
What, no leaflets promoting Six Flag’s Inc.?
They don’t have the budget for that sort of thing. All the money went to fumigating various Johnny Rockets locations.
October 28th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
I was waiting for the Marmalard fly-by ala Brazil.
October 28th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
Mein Fuhrer, I can walk! And throw! And check down!
October 28th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
Which makes him different from every other team owner how, exactly?
It is due to Snyder being 5 feet tall, wearing dress shirts that are made for men who are 6 feel tall and being a Napoleonic asshole to his players, fans and anyone else who “supports” the Redskins. I mean who sues their own fanbase? He definitely makes the Double J look like Dan Rooney.
/throws up in mouth
//basks in the continual FAIL of the Redskins (a.k.a. Raiders East)
October 28th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
Officially Issued Redskins GaryClarkdollars..lol
How many JasonCampbellDollars do you have to trade in to get one GaryClarkdollar? Does Joe Gibbs run the Fed?
October 28th, 2009 at 3:52 pm
As a Cowboys fan, all this losing and misery in Washington makes me smile. Then I remember that the Cowboys will surely miss the playoffs after their annual December meltdown, and I feel sad. Then I remember that Dallas is still better than the Redskins and I smile again. Then I realize that we’re probably not as good as the Eagles or Giants and I get sad again. Then I feel hungry and have a snack, followed by a quick nap.
October 28th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
@Slash
I think his open disdain for his own fanbase sets him apart.
October 28th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
The Rams are woeful. The Titans are bad. The Raiders are a laughinstock.
And yet none of them have the potential for dark comedy like the Redskins.
October 28th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
garyclarkdollars!!! awesome.
October 28th, 2009 at 4:02 pm
guys this sux i hope u bring back sexy friday this week grr
October 28th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
@Slash: it is different. Most owners do the smart thing and hire smart football people to run their team and get out of their way. Look at the best teams of the last decade – the Patriots, Steelers, Giants, Colts, etc. Their owners don’t get in the way of running the team.
Snyder appointed a yes-man to run his team, is squeezing his fanbase dry of every cent possible, has a team that, despite the money he’s thrown at it, sucks. And what’s worse: there’s no light at the end of the tunnel.
October 28th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
/hope that led to a few Redskins fans riots.
October 28th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
Do they still take DexterManleyDollars?
October 28th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
At least they didn’t serve anything from Johnny Rockets. No sense having to eat a shit sandwich while Danny boy is force feeding you a verbal one.
Imagine how competitive the NFC East would be if the Redskins could field a team that could actually compete in the BCS, let alone the NFL. I know, I know, the BCS teams don’t have a salary cap, but that’s still no excuse.
/Redskins joke
October 28th, 2009 at 4:39 pm
Henceforth, all playcalling shall be delegated to Napoleon, Minister of Agriculture.
October 28th, 2009 at 4:42 pm
But we have everything we need in the Czar Snyder Era…vodka, bread…vodka soaked bread
October 28th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
/Waiting for Marmalard to run in and chuck a hammer into the big screen.
October 28th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
@ Porky: Awesome reference, but methinks it was Minister of Agitprop.
/yeah, i’m being a douche, sorry
October 28th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
Ooooh, can’t wait till he does the one for Moby Dick with Snyder as Ahab
October 28th, 2009 at 5:10 pm
hahaha love the pictures
October 28th, 2009 at 5:11 pm
You know what would make the Redskins awesome? A HUGE FUCKING TV!
/yeehaw
//fucking crazy
///fires guns in air
October 28th, 2009 at 5:13 pm
Does this make the NFL the Ministry of Fun?
October 28th, 2009 at 5:14 pm
So when does the hammer-throwing lesbian come in and smash the Big Snyder screen, ushering in a new, more enlightened era? Oh, yeah, it’s the Redskins. Never mind.
October 28th, 2009 at 5:18 pm
what’s the ratio of GaryClarkDollars to ArtMonkNickels?
October 28th, 2009 at 5:27 pm
Now there’s a crowd that wouldn’t ask for Sexy Friday posts.
/shouldn’t give them ideas
//but fully supports implementation of such procedures
October 28th, 2009 at 5:47 pm
My Officially Redskins Branded Harris Teeter Meal Rations aren’t bad with lots of ketchup.
October 28th, 2009 at 6:04 pm
RE jackin’4beats Says:
“It is due to Snyder being 5 feet tall, wearing dress shirts that are made for men who are 6 feel tall and being a Napoleonic asshole to his players, fans and anyone else who ’supports’ the Redskins. I mean who sues their own fanbase? He definitely makes the Double J look like Dan Rooney.”
RE Offseason Champs Says:
“I think his open disdain for his own fanbase sets him apart.”
RE Reggie Bush’s Pimp Says:
“Snyder appointed a yes-man to run his team, is squeezing his fanbase dry of every cent possible, has a team that, despite the money he’s thrown at it, sucks. And what’s worse: there’s no light at the end of the tunnel.”
OK, learn something new every day. I am somewhat familiar with Snyder as the owner of Six Flags (great job, Danny!), but not as a team owner. I didn’t think anyone could be more of an overall douchebag than JJ.
October 28th, 2009 at 6:05 pm
@Gino Touretta: you stole the words from my mouth. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OYecfV3ubP8
October 28th, 2009 at 6:10 pm
Wait, Snyder owns Johnny Rockets?
…
…
NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
/still loves the place in Miami.
October 28th, 2009 at 6:12 pm
He owns Six Flags too???
He must be stopped.
/probably wouldn’t suck as much if he didn’t own it.
October 28th, 2009 at 6:39 pm
i liked johnny rockets better when it was called steak n shake
October 28th, 2009 at 7:09 pm
RE FlashIsBack Says:
“He owns Six Flags too??? He must be stopped. /probably wouldn’t suck as much if he didn’t own it.”
Six Flags was kinda already circling the drain financially when he bought his part of it. They had over $2 billion of debt, which is why they declared bankruptcy this year. Unfortunately, that didn’t affect the frequency of their shitty TV ads.
October 28th, 2009 at 7:42 pm
Snyder likes to play with things awhile…before annihilation.
October 28th, 2009 at 8:47 pm
I told ya it wasn’t my fault. Told ya so, told ya so, told ya so……
….HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
October 28th, 2009 at 9:24 pm
At the game on Monday, the Geico caveman led a cheer of Hail to the Redskins on the jumbotron. It was pretty embarassing.
At least the double-J is respected by his team’s fans, and Al Davis actually led his team to their Super Bowls. Snyder’s done nothing. But from the perspective of a recent DC transplant, it’s been a fascinating soap opera here this fall.
October 28th, 2009 at 10:15 pm
i didnt get a harumph out of that guy!
YOU GIVE THE SNYDER A HARUMPH!
Watch your ass.
October 28th, 2009 at 11:27 pm
Don’t worry Mr. Zorn, you’ll never miss this tiny little piece of brain we take out through your eye..
October 28th, 2009 at 11:43 pm
Um, Ben, which fan would that be, exactly, who respects double-J? Most Cowboys’ fans have resigned themselves to some ugly facts: even by NFL owner standards, Jones is an extraordinarily narcissistic (the Joan Rivers plastic surgery jobs) egomaniac; he knows precisely dick about football; his incessant meddling in football operations is the reason the team hasn’t won a playoff game in 13 years; and, no matter how much money he throws at the problem, double-J will not be able to buy his way to a Super Bowl trophy that isn’t attributable to Jimmy Johnson – which seems to be his life’s obsession at this point.
Fuck him and that absurd monstrosity with which he’s ruined what was left of the town I grew up in. May he forever know nothing but frustration and disappointment.
October 29th, 2009 at 12:03 am
David Donovan only saw, like, six fans complain about those rations.
October 29th, 2009 at 12:30 am
what’s the ratio of GaryClarkDollars to ArtMonkNickels?….haha what does that mean??
October 29th, 2009 at 12:31 am
I respect J.J. for the same reason I respected Al Davis: he doesn’t give a fuck about the rest of the NFL; only his team. Same with Steinbrenner and Mark Cuban. Do I like them? No. But every other owner in the 3 major sports is beholden to the status quo and will collude, connive, and conspire to keep themselves on top, give the players as little as possible and royally fuck the fans for every dime they can get.
The difference between Snyder and these others is that at least those other 4 seem to do what they do for the good of the team. Snyder doesn’t care about a winning team; only the status of owning a famous team.
/dick joke
October 29th, 2009 at 1:03 am
Slash says: “I didn’t think anyone could be more of an overall douchebag than JJ.”
In the words of Cormac McCarthy, “There are no absolutes in human misery.” -Suttree
Which is to say, it can always get worse.
October 29th, 2009 at 7:25 am
I actually like Johnny Rockets – good, cheap food. Too bad for its ownership though
October 29th, 2009 at 10:07 am
Please state your qualifications for being a redskins fan:
rape, arson, murder and rape.
Uh, you said rape twice.
I like rape.
October 29th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
This is complete nonsense. I was at the Eagles game — there were no Eagles fans there. None. Just happy happy Redskins fans. The only three unhappy sign-waving people were arrested and interrogated, and it turns out all three are Cowboys fans who work for the Washington Post. Jealous haters! Real Redskins fans love being 2-5 — now we can sneak up on people unexpected-like. Like ninjas. You know, as unexpected as an ancient oft-injured offensive line not surviving the season. As unexpected as needing depth. Or a quarterback. Or draft picks.
October 29th, 2009 at 4:51 pm
If Redskins fans had any balls whatsoever they’d riot, over throw the synder regime and do to him what the Italians did to Mussolini – drag him naked through the streets, then hang him by his thumbs, upside down, to be beaten, mocked, humiliated and eventually. . . well you get the point. Of course justice like this is seldom served in the modern era. One can hope though right? hope that people with courage and convictions still exist and do the right thing? Otherwise this disgrace – not only a terrible owner but a despicable human being – will reign on for decades.
October 29th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
If Redskins fans had any balls whatsoever they’d riot, over throw the synder regime and do to him what the Italians did to Mussolini – drag him naked through the streets by his thumbs, then hang him by the toes, upside down, to be beaten, mocked, humiliated and eventually. . . well you get the point. Of course justice like this is seldom served in the modern era. One can hope though right? hope that people with courage and convictions still exist and do the right thing? Otherwise this disgrace – not only a terrible owner but a despicable human being – will reign on for decades.
October 30th, 2009 at 4:06 am
Wow. I remember when this website was actually good.
Jesus, that was horrible.
October 30th, 2009 at 4:07 am
Wow. I remember when this website was actually good.
Jesus, that was horrible.
October 30th, 2009 at 11:52 am
yo job’s yo credit.
November 17th, 2009 at 9:01 am
Vill der fuhrer adolph goddell have all uff der fanzz zuszpended frum fedexOświęcim fur inzubordinashunzz to helpp hizz kleiner fruend, schneiderman?
And, when you Skins victims, er, fans get through, can we borrow some of your successes for fumigating Soldier Field and Halas Hole, er Hall to be rid on the wrinkled old hag who killed the Honey Bears out of jealousy and the zzzzzzzzombie who stumbles along the sidelines wondering where he is?
Maybe our two disasters can compete in the momwarner bowl.