Dan Snyder: Greetings, subjects. Welcome to the Bi-Weekly Officially Licensed Redskins Leadership Communique, sponsored by Freecreditreport.com.
Dan Snyder: Have the Officially Redskins Branded Harris Teeter Meal Rations been to your liking?
Dan Snyder: That is welcome news. Some of my advisers cautioned that downgrading to Grade Q meats would cause undue food poisoning. So I had their voice boxes removed.
Dan Snyder: First item: Non-Designated Color Attire is hereby banned from all Officially Licensed Public Redskins Outdoor Settings. Failure to act in compliance with this regulation – one that has always been in place despite what you may have heard or experienced previously – will result in penalty of death. Retroactive violations of this always existing rule – those will result in death. Those who do not report observing others trying to violate this rule – death!
Dan Snyder: Second item: All persons currently using Officially Authenticated Redskins Transport Modules to their place of work must pay a Personal Occupancy Fee for each minute waiting at the pick-up station. If the module arrives later than its scheduled time, you will be charged double for those minutes. If the module is at full capacity upon arrival, you will shot to prevent overflow.
Dan Snyder: Third item: Any person found with legal tender that is not Officially Issued Redskins GaryClarkdollars shall be forced into a lifetime of vending Miller Lites in the FedEx Field restrooms.
Redskins Fan #35601: But you’ve taken all our money already anyway.
Crowd: [Stunned silence]
Dan Snyder: SEIZE HIM!
Dan Snyder: Because of your impudence, this week’s Officially Redskins Branded Harris Teeter Meal Ration will only include TWO leaflets promoting Eastern Motors. End communication.
I want more like this!
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