The KSK Sex/Fantasy Football Mailbag, Brought to You by the Fantastic, Other-Dimensional Adventures of Richard Blade
Many of you have taken to writing ONLY a fantasy football question, which kind of irks me. We’re giving free mediocre fantasy advice here, and all we ask for in return is a window into your sordid sex life. Is that really so much to ask?
But then some of you write in with only sex-related questions, and I realize that perhaps that balances things out. Besides, I’ve always preached brevity, so it would seem strange to demand uninteresting questions you don’t really care about. So you may all continue to flaunt the rules. For now.
This week: manscaping, girl farts, Ryan Grant, bye week dilemmas, reunions, bad trades, mailbag etiquette, sterility, dog poo, and Dungeons and Dragons metaphors. Let’s do it.
KSK,
90 yards on the ground is usually a pretty decent game, but it pissed me off a little bit that Ryan Grant couldn’t do more against Detroit, especially with a lead. He also couldn’t break 100 against St. Louis and failed to score in either game. This week he’s playing the Browns and, Jesus Almighty, that’s another juicy matchup. Should I throw him out there a third time, or am I better off with Mendenhall vs. the Vikings or Pierre Thomas against Miami? I don’t have a flex (3 WR), it’s PPR, and this is assuming DeAngelo Williams locks down the other RB spot against the Bills.
–Nick
Oh, quit your bitching. Grant’s the best play this week, but if you want to be a little girl about it, Mendenhall is a perfectly good option.
Parishioners of the Matron Saint,
Sex: I wish I had a query to put here.
That’s cool. Don’t put any effort into writing a question. I’ll give you just as much effort in my answer.
Football: 12-team league, standard scoring (fractional points awarded for yards). I’m looking to cash in my RB depth to upgrade another position (I have Gore, Grant, Mendenhall, Rice), but I’m not sure which one. Should I try to upgrade at QB or WR? I have the immortal Cassel/Hasselbeck duo at QB, while at WR I start Andre Johnson and Roddy White every week, but am getting frustrated with Harvin as my third wheel (my only other WR is Berrian). The only offer that’s got any sort of legs right now is Grant-for-Marshall straight up. Thoughts?
- Crazy for Casselbeck
I like that trade. You suffer almost no downgrade at RB while massively upgrading your wide receiver corps. Pull the trigger.
KSK,
So, no questions about fantasy football cause I’m getting gang raped in my league, but I want to ask a question about male grooming. Recently a girl asked me if I’d shave my junk completely for her. Normally I do a nice trim job because once it gets thick woodland creatures could take up residence, but the only time I’ve ever gone completely bald was when I was younger and accidentally trimmed down too close and had to even it up. Needless to say I’m not 100% comfortable with the bald look. And since she already shaves her vag, it’s not like we are making an even trade.
So I’m probably just going to go ahead and do it, but my questions are A) what is a fair request to make as a trade-off for going bald. I’m thinking more blowjobs and B) Since I’ve also got hairy legs and a happy trail, how far do I take the baldness to keep it aesthetically pleasing without shaving everything? I don’t want to start and end up not having any eyebrows.
-The Yeti
Why don’t you ask your girlfriend? She’s the one who seems to know what she wants. I’d prefer not to give other dudes manscaping advice. In fact, I’m a little angry that you put me in the position to use the word “manscaping” at all.
KSK,
Football – Who to start- H. Miller @ Minn or Witten @ ATL?
Witten. He hasn’t really produced this year the way he has in years past, but I still think he’s the stronger play.
Sex – Also related to football – I’m in a fantasy league started by one of my girlfriends friends, and this year my girlfriend was convinced to join. Unfortunately that means I’ve been giving her advice the entire time. Right now, she is in first place, and I’m tied for second. At what point do I start withholding advice so that I win?
Thanks,
Deserves credit for running two successful teams
*rubs temples*
For those of you who are in the same fantasy league as your significant other, I ask you: did it ever occur to you that the behavior you’re supposed to exhibit in a relationship (sharing, open communication, a sense of togetherness) is EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE of how you’re supposed to behave in a fantasy league? Fantasy demands that you be selfish, ruthless, cutthroat. That’s why so many men use it as a mental escape from their relationships.
You, sir, got yourself into a fine little predicament. Continue to be a good boyfriend and put your fantasy team at risk, or play it straight and risk ending up in the doghouse. I recommend you play it Socratic with her: when she asks you who she should play, ask her what SHE thinks. And if she’s stuck, show her how YOU would find the answers. Confucius say: give woman starting lineup, she win for one week. Teach woman fantasy method, she make own bad decisions.
Hail to the Lords of the Learned Labial Lemniscate,
First, fantasy football. League is PPR, and counts KR/PR yards the same as receiving yards.
Whoa, kinky!
Start 3 WR – one is Hines Ward, who’s been all smirres this year. Pick 2 from the following: Boldin or Breaston @NYG, Manningham or Nicks @ARI, Sidney Rice @PIT.
Boldin is injured and will either be out or limited, so Breaston actually seems like the wiser play. Put Manningham or Nicks at the other slot — I’d lean towards Manningham, but really it depends on who Eli happens to be favoring this week. And in next year’s fantasy draft, maybe don’t take a bunch of receivers on the same team.
Also, I traded Ray Rice straight up for Manningham after week 2. How much of a fuckup was that?
Moderate but not insurmountable.
Sex: Going to a reunion this week. Any reunion specific tips on (a) scoring and/or (b) nailing that one that you never had the sack to chase in school? Does it matter that it’s grad school?
Thanks,
Gary
Sure it matters that it’s grad school. It doesn’t have any of the sweeping nostalgia or the pubescent uncertainty of high school. It’s the UFL of reunions.
Tips: Dress well. Be one drink behind everyone else. Re-connect with your crushes early, then excuse yourself from the conversation with a promise to talk more later. Follow up after she’s had more drinks but before she’s making out with someone else.
Hey,
So, football: Due to incredibly short-sighted drafting, I now have five players with byes this week, three of them receivers. That means I’m only going to have one receiver this week, instead of two. I’m hesitant to make a trade because I’m pretty satisfied with my roster and this is only a one-time issue. Any guys I should be watching the waiver wire for, or do I just make a trade for someone and hope it works out for the best?
If you like your roster, don’t make a trade to try to stave off defeat for a single bad week. As for the waiver wire, depending on the size of your league and its rosters, you should be able to pick up a guy like Michael Jenkins, Pierre Garcon, Greg Camarillo, or someone of that stature that can give you 5-7 points while you pray he gets a touchdown.
And on to sex: I hooked up recently with a long-time female friend on her 21st birthday. She was hesitant about it at first but then really got into it. A few days later I went ahead and asked her out and she soundly rejected me. But since then, rather than things being weird or awkward she’s been more flirty and we’re spending more time around each other than ever before. Since she’s had a few of shitty relationships (very much including her last) I think she just doesn’t want to make anything formal. Should I just accept that there will be no “relationship” but only a nebulous quasi-(no Peter King reference intended)-togetherishness, or do I press the issue with her? Or is this all just reading too much into it?
-A.L.
F that noise. Tell her that you’re into her and you understand she may have issues, then get the hell out of the way. You might get some sex when she’s feeling drunk or needy, or you might get an epic mindfuck for the ages. Or maybe she works things out in her head and decides she wants to be your girlfriend. Fuck, man. I don’t know. It just sounds like a shitty deal to me. I’d take what I could get and focus on moving on.
Dear All Knowing,
SEX: So I am in the midst of a blossoming new relationship and everything was going well until last night. After some great sex, and by great sex I mean I had an orgasm, we were lying in bed waiting for sleep to come, when my girlfriend farted. Now this wasn’t a Road Warrior fart, in fact, if she had cut the cheese from a wheel her slice would have represented the percentage of people who didn’t pick Purple Jesus first in their draft-which consists of Bears fans and the mildly retarded-but nonetheless it was audible. After a moment of silence, she said “Excuse me” but I was in such utter disgust and shock that I just laid there and pretended to be asleep. I think if I had opened my mouth, vomit would have covered my bed. Now this isn’t a deal breaker or anything I was just wondering what KSKers felt about this situation, as my friends don’t find it as revolting as I do (and there are even those who get off on it you sick people). Also, I realize how hypocritical I am in saying this as I fart all the time and think it’s hilarious, I even farted on the head of one of my best friends girlfriend one time on accident (bitch deserved it though). But the fact is, life has double standards (I have to pay for dinner AND the condoms?!).
You’re an ass.
FANTASY: The other day this kid told me that fantasy football was merely Dungeons and Dragons for jocks. Groups of males come together generally in a basement or garage of sorts (Draft Day), you pick your class (team starting positions) you duel (the games) by rolling dye (there is a good amount of chance i.e. Miles Austin with 250 yards and 2 TDs WTF?) and there is a Dungeon Master who decides the rules (League Commissioner)… The connections are disturbing and I didn’t know what to say to him. Should I punch him in the nose and break his already taped glasses the next time I see him or should I turn in my Strahan jersey for a cloak and concede to spending my nights watching G4TV while eating Hot Pockets with the realization of never getting laid again… even by Baby Farts McGeezaks.
Thanks,
-Never pulling his girlfriend’s finger.
Here’s what I want you to do: you find that nerdy little weasel who fed you that bullshit, and you beat him to within an inch of his life.
I’m gonna break this down Barney-style since — let’s be honest here — you seem a little slow: the difference between Drew Brees and an orc is that Drew Brees is real. He plays in actual football games every Sunday. Games that are attended by tens of thousands of fans, and watched on TV by millions more. And he gets paid millions of dollars to do it. And the people who play in fantasy football leagues go to bars to watch these very real football contests, and they drink beer with friends while they do it. And there are usually girls at these bars, even if they are only there because they are employees. Oh, and they pay a fee to be in these leagues, so there’s money on the line that depends on these real televised events.
In conclusion, yes, fantasy football is just like Dungeons and Dragons, except it involves gambling, actual popular events instead of imaginary characters, alcohol, and women.
KSK,
Just like the commenters, only fantasy this week, no sex.
Sweet. Another question to which I can half-ass my response.
I have to approve a trade in my 12 team league that is going be starting keepers at the end of the year. 2 keepers per team. The trade in question is from a 2-4 team (MJD, Megatron, Jones, and Burleson) to a 4-2 team (AP and TO). The 4-2 team will now be sporting a starting lineup of McNabb, MJD, Wayne, Gonzalez, Megatron, and Jones. Previously I’ve been the sole approver for trades, but this one has me confused. Is it ok to let a team trade away all of its talent for 1 keeper? TO is trash, so clearly this trade is for a guy that has value for next year. So, do I turn my key? Do I put it to a vote? Do I deny it, wielding the great power entrusted in my by 11 lazy football fans?
Please note that the 4-2 team owner and I have agreed to abide by your decision.
You realize that there’s more than one fucking Jones who plays a skill position in the NFL, right? Felix Jones? Julius Jones? No matter: the trade is fine. The 2-4 guy is a dipshit for giving up more than MJD and Megatron (or even as much as MJD and Megatron), but it’s not so egregious as to veto.
FACKers,
Fantasy: First, I traded Portis, Bowe, and Berrian in order to get Gore. Might be a risk considering Gore’s coming off injury but I have spent the majority of the season waiting for Portis’ shins to spontaneously explode and was itching to get rid of him. Think I made a good call?
Depends on your WRs. But at first glance, it’s a good trade assuming you got another player.
Second, RBs this week: Gore, Caddy, Maroney, and Bradshaw; WRs: DeSean Jackson, Ward, Sidney Rice, and Nicks. I’m thinking Gore, Maroney, Ward, and Rice for sure, would you rather do Jackson or Caddy at the flex (PPR)?
Would it fucking kill you to give me the matchups? Everybody else who writes in includes the players’ opponents. Are you inconsiderate, or do you just think you’re better than everyone else?
*looks up the fucking NINE matchups this asshole wants me to weigh in on*
All right, Cadillac is out because the Bucs are fucking terrible. That running game is fantasy cancer. I’m not big on Rice but he’s been producing better with Favre at QB; however, Nicks is playing at home against Arizona, whereas the Vikes are in Pittsburgh. And Jesus, DeSean’s playing the Redskins! How are you considering playing Cadillac Williams over him? Start DeSean.
Sex: For some reason I happened to find Drew’s old parenting blog and was reading the perfect fathers day post. Funny shit, but something caught my eye…the Cigarette girl outfit fantasy. It got me thinking, what are some other off the beaten path fantasies to try out? Me and the lady are trying to spice things up a bit.
Flapper vampires. Furry detectives. Priest/altar boy. Russian tsarina and the horse she had lowered onto the bed to fuck her. Is that off the beaten path enough?
Spicing it up needn’t be costume-related, you know. Back in college, my then-girlfriend got dressed to the nines and went to an after-hours hotspot (Chicago’s Mark II Lounge, if you must know. An absolute dump, but the northernmost Chicago bar open until 4 a.m.). I arrived twenty minutes after she did and took a seat a little ways down the bar. After a couple guys had tried talking to her, I went over, introduced myself, and bought her a drink. I fielded a stealthy thumbs-up from the bartender. We made small talk and didn’t stop the “perfect strangers” act until after we’d gone back to her place and engaged in freaky one-night stand sex.
That was over ten years ago, and I still remember it fondly. Maybe something similar can work for you and your wife.
What it be?
Sex: My girlfriend and I only get to see each other about once a week. On a recent visit, we’d gotten past all the “talking” and whatnot and were about to get down to business. She got me all hot and bothered and ready to go, then told me she was on her period. And she didn’t want to give me head. Plus she’s not down with anal. So I did what I figured any normal person would do. I started jacking off on her boobs. She was a little shocked and asked me something about not having any shame. I told her that no, I don’t have any shame, and I finished up all over her breastish region. Is my behavior especially abnormal? I figured it was her fault for teasing me, and she’s lucky I didn’t aim for her hair or eyes. Should I have handled this differently?
I generally encourage communication and mutual respect in the bedroom, but you know what? I like your moxie, sir. She painted you into a corner, and you painted her back. Bra. Vo.
Moving forward, she needs to be clear about when she’s having her period, and you two should discuss ways to satisfy each other during that time. And don’t rule out sex. It’s not that bad depending on how heavy her flow is — just put a dark towel on the bed or do it in the shower. There are very, very few reasons not to have sex, and a little blood is not one of them.
Fantasy: Which 2 running backs should I start this week out of Ronnie Brown (vs. New Orleans), Laurence Maroney (vs. Tampa Bay), and Larry Johnson (vs. San Diego)?
Thanks,
T Sperm
WOOF. You have to start TWO of those guys? Jesus. What, is Edgerrin James not on your roster?
Well, Brown’s in for sure. Maroney is useless but playing against a terrible team, while Johnson is useless and playing on a terrible team. So pick your poison. I’d probably go with Johnson just to avoid being fucked by Belichick’s whims.*
*(answer void if Sammy Morris doesn’t play)
Fellowship of the Cock Ring,
I have a dilemna of the sexual nature. So, an old girlfriend, in fact, my first girlfriend ever, found me online and we have been talking and sexting and it gets pretty naughty and dirty, and she is good with the “gooey” details. She wants to come visit…here’s where the dilemna comes in. I am disabled and have no feeling, thus function, in my nether-region..ok, fine, I’ll just say it – my linebacker is inactive. So, I feel like I should tell her this, because I am sure that she is under the impression that my “linebacker” is ready to sack. But, if I tell her, then the fun, dirty texting and conversations might end. On the flip side, my tongue works…that sounded bad, but you know what I mean. So, I could participate sexually to some degree. I’m at a loss here – help me out.
Thanks, DeActivated
Come on, pal. You know the answer to this already.You think things’ll be okay if she just shows up and you’re like, “p.s. My penis doesn’t work”?
Nope, you gotta sack up now. I recommend open communication with far fewer football metaphors. And you should read The Sun Also Rises by Hemingway if you haven’t already. There’s a fellow with your predicament who’s in love with a girl who loves him back. It’s not a happy ending, but you’ll at least have a famous literary character to identify with.
Dear Sirs,
I like filthy sex.
Join the club.
I like pulling hair, I like choking, I like spanking, I’ve tied a few girls up with scarves and long sleeve shirts but I’ve never used any toys or anything, no gimp masks. The problem is this doesn’t exactly foster a whole lot of respect for one’s partner. That is to say, treating girls like shit in bed tends to lead to treating them like shit in general. I would one day like to settle down and have a family and have no interest in treating my wife and childrens’ mother like shit. So my question is: is it possible to terrorize in the sack and still have a healthy relationship otherwise, or do I need to cut that shit out before some Thai maid finds me hanged from my balls in a closet?
Buddy, you’ve got a messed-up approach to sex. Treating girls like shit in bed does not — absolutely does NOT — necessitate treating them like shit in general. There are plenty of women who like all the things that you like in bed (I recommend finding a girl with daddy issues), but that kind of kink should be an extension of intimacy, not a behavior that you carry into the rest of the relationship. In fact, if your woman is giving you the filthy sex you desire, that should be incentive to you being a better boyfriend/husband/whatever. If she treats you right in the bedroom, how can you justify not treating her right outside of it?
Footballwise, Berrian @PIT or Manningham hosting el Buzzsaw?
Thanks,
-Z
Manningham.
Dear Ambassadors of Goodwill, Friendship and Ass,
Fantasy Football question, I’m loaded at WR (Randy Moss, Larry Fitzgerald and Hines Ward are my regulars) abnd , but I’m weak at QB with Jason Campbell and Tony Romo. I have Braylon Edwards who I grabbed as a prospect and am being offered the trade of Chad Henne for Braylon Edwards. I really don’t need Edwards and things are headed downhill for Washington, do I want to make this trade or can I try to shop Braylon around for more than just Chad? Looking at the schedule I could see starting Chad against Tampa Bay, Buffalo, Tennessee, and Jacksonsville but sitting him against the Pats, Saints and Steelers for sure.
(UPDATE – Sorry I missed this at first glance.) You can and should get MUCH better than Henne for Braylon. If you throw in a spare part like a backup running back, you should get someone of at least Roethlisberger’s fantasy stature.
I’ve been in a relationship for 9 months now, good relation, long term potential and fairly solid but of course I have a problem so I’m writing in. She steals magazines from coffee shops and doesn’t pick up her dog’s shit. On one hand these seem like stupid things to hold against an otherwise fine girlfriend, but my problem is with how she rationalizes them. On the dog shit for example, she’ll pick it up during the day but at night when she goes to take the dog she doesn’t even bother to grab a bag because she knows its dark and no one can see shit. I’ve called her out on this and she goes “Oh well, it’s a small dog and the shit isn’t big, no one will notice.” With the magazines she claims she takes them back when she goes in for coffee later in the week, but this pretty much a shit line since they’re all still sitting on coffee table.
My concern is not over the magazines, the dog shit and the other minor stuff along these lines that she pulls, it’s that she rationalizes it and only does it when she knows she won’t get caught. During the day when someone could see her, she cleans up after the dog, at night she doesn’t. So I find myself thinking “What else is she doing she knows/thinks she won’t get caught doing?” and it’s been eating me up. I have no reason not to trust her in terms of how she has acted to me, but if she’s willing to act this way I have no assurances I won’t be a victim of it someday. Also I have this fear that one day we’ll go out for coffee and get busted as she stuffs a week-old copy of Newsweek in her backup, that would be pretty damn humiliating to me. If she wants a 2 dollar magazine I’ll buy her a copy.
So do I have a valid concern here or am I overreacting over dog shit and Newsweek?
Thanks,
El Newsweek Bandito
You know what? You’re not overreacting. You, sir, are one of the few remaining people whose lives are driven by integrity and honesty. Your girlfriend is not one of those people. This is not to say that she doesn’t love you or that she isn’t an excellent and faithful girlfriend to you, for she may very well be both of those things and more.
However, I’ve seen a lot of relationships — and I’ve been in some myself — where the people involved are in love with each other, but they are fundamentally opposed to inherent aspects of the other person’s personality. “God,” they say, “this person is so close to perfect — if only they could get rid of their insane jealousy.” Well, the jealousy doesn’t magically go away, and neither (I would guess) will your girlfriend’s selfish habit of cutting corners. But if you care about her, you should definitely communicate your feelings on the subject. I mean, seriously: it’s just dog shit. I pick up big pieces of it every night on empty streets. Why? Because I’d be an asshole not to.
Anyway, as you have this discussion with her, keep in mind two things: (1) it doesn’t matter that it’s a small thing to her; it matters that it’s a big thing to you. And (2), operating under the assumption that the optimal end state for a relationship is marriage and a family, is this woman going to instill the same values in your children that you want instilled in them?
Funny how little pieces of shit can make for heavy subject matter.
October 22nd, 2009 at 1:49 pm
GREAT answer (well, half-answer) to that last email. That kind of stuff drives me nuts. While my wife of 15 years and I have always voted in completely opposite ways, and have very different religious convictions, we do have the same sense of honesty and integrity (or lack thereof) – and we both pick up the dog poop when we walk them at night.
As for the FFB question, you’ve gotta be able to do better than Henne. He’s a questionable young quarterback in a gimmicky system.
October 22nd, 2009 at 1:49 pm
A girl “flaunts” her midriff by wearing a cut off top. She “flouts” the rules by doing so in church.
October 22nd, 2009 at 1:51 pm
I have ESPN on in the background as I’m reading this and I turn around to see Purple Jesus being interviewed about his shoe fetish.
I don’t know what relevance this has but it needed to be shared.
October 22nd, 2009 at 1:54 pm
The guy who was rejected for a date yet considers there to be a “quasi-togetherness” between him and the girl is just sad
October 22nd, 2009 at 1:56 pm
Newsweek – You are absolutely right to be alarmed, for all of the reasons you voiced, and more. I don’t think communication would help in this situation, just because this behavior is “who she is,” and people rarely, if ever, change.
Girlfriend’s Finger: Really? That’s what you are bothered by? Grow the fuck up. This may come as a shock to you, but given that your girlfriend is like a real, live person, she also eats, urinates, defecates, and grows hair in places you would rather her not. Break up with her and don’t start dating anyone until you get out of 4th grade.
Deserves Credit Guy: Never should have let your girlfriend in the league – your bad. FF should be strictly for you and your buddies. My league has a fairly strict rule against spouses/girlfriends even have access to our site so that we can all say the shit we want to say to each other without the fear of prying eyes. Since the door is opened, feel free to cut off any further advice to her, and she needs to stand or fall on her own.
Commish – Yeah, approve the trade. Not clearly someone tanking it, and planning for the future in a keeper league is kind of the whole point.
October 22nd, 2009 at 1:57 pm
“There are very, very few reasons not to have sex, and a little blood is not one of them.”
This should be an amendment to the Constitution.
October 22nd, 2009 at 2:02 pm
Uhhhhh, for the fart guy. You’re an asshole.
October 22nd, 2009 at 2:02 pm
Bandito – It sounds like she has a basic disrespect for other people and their things.
I would warn you about the conversation you will have with her though. She seems morally dishonest, so she will likely tell you what she thinks you want to hear, but will she change? Or will she just start hiding misdeeds from you, too?
She sounds like the kind of person I wouldn’t want as a neighbor, do you want her has your wife?
Fartboy- really?
October 22nd, 2009 at 2:03 pm
To the shaved guy,
First of all, if she’s shaved the least you could do is shave yourself. But be forewarned, you have to stay on top of things once you do it. When it grows back it itches like a motherfucker and the little hairs will end up stabbing you all over in the balls. That sucks.
October 22nd, 2009 at 2:04 pm
@ Will’s book
Maybe Fartman should date an Orc, I hear they don’t have any bodily functions. (And by Orc, I do not mean Brooke Hundley)
October 22nd, 2009 at 2:09 pm
Bandito, tell your gf there are places where it is o.k. take magazines from and then return them. They’re called libraries. No excuse for the dog shit though.
October 22nd, 2009 at 2:09 pm
@ Captain Caveman
When you and your college girlfriend did the “Perfect Strangers” act, were you Balki or Cousin Larry?
October 22nd, 2009 at 2:10 pm
as a vikings fan, i can say that CC is wrong about Witten/Miller. Look at the TE stats for Vikings opponents, Jermichael Finley torched them. Start Miller
October 22nd, 2009 at 2:10 pm
Wait, there is a question about cleaning up shit and STILL no anal questions? Where am I?
October 22nd, 2009 at 2:11 pm
fartboy, if you get grossed out by your gf farting, please never get married
October 22nd, 2009 at 2:17 pm
Nick, start Grant on the fact you play in a PPR league. He’ll get more receptions than Thomas and Mendenhall.
October 22nd, 2009 at 2:18 pm
The other day this kid told me that fantasy football was merely Dungeons and Dragons for jocks…
Interesting coincidence, but next week my picks feature is going to be the top 5 creatures from AD&D and their counterparts in the NFL. I might be getting The Sports Report Girl to count them down, too.
October 22nd, 2009 at 2:18 pm
People who don’t pick up their dog’s crap are despicable. Run little man, run.
October 22nd, 2009 at 2:18 pm
The Mark II Lounge. That’s a name I’ve not heard in a long time.
I mean, we always called it The Deuce, but it’s been awhile since I’ve heard that name too.
October 22nd, 2009 at 2:20 pm
@ -Never pulling his girlfriend’s finger. – Fucking grow up, it’s a natural bodily function. How old are you, 13 or so?
October 22nd, 2009 at 2:23 pm
Needs more “calling the Buccaneers shitty.”
October 22nd, 2009 at 2:25 pm
Re: significant others in the same league. I was born and raised in Texas, so football has always been a part of my life. However, I’ll admit that I got into fantasy four years ago to bond with my then significant other. He helped me get started, but then I stopped taking his advice and started figuring it out on my own because my need to beat his ass was greater than my need to bond. So my advice is see what you can do about bringing out her competitive side. Make some fun, sexy time wagers when you play each other.
For the record, I deliberately drafted Miles Austin. But I’m a Cowboys fan and saw this coming a year ago.
To Newsweek Bandito – I don’t even know what to say. It’s refreshing to know that some dudes find concern in issues that most would find insignificant.
October 22nd, 2009 at 2:27 pm
@El Newsweek Bandito: To answer your fantasy question, Chad Henne is a terrible quarterback I wouldn’t even pick up off waivers.
October 22nd, 2009 at 2:27 pm
@bandito
if you bring it up to her in a conversation, she will just start lying and going behind your back, believe me i’m speaking from a very similar experience with my first real gf after college. either ignore her little acts of bitchiness and hope for the best, or cut your ties with her. bringing it to her and talking about it will definitely make it WORSE. it won’t just be magazines and dog shit anymore, it will be cheating and stealing, but only after she reassures you that she will fix her ways. trust me (your anonymous internet advice giver) on this matter. live with it, or gtfo while you can still get booty calls out of it.
October 22nd, 2009 at 2:28 pm
Does not pick up her dog’s poop? Are you kidding? The big issue is not even about integrity, but about responsibility. She shouldn’t even have a dog if she is not willing to take care of 100% of the work that goes into having a pet. Small shit still smells, and the rest of us don’t want to deal with her lack of responsibility. Even worse, she’s making it harder on the rest of responsible pet owners who when out walking their dogs – and picking up poop – are given the evil eye by the neighbors.
Tell her to keep her small dog in her fucking purse and let it shit in there.
/hates with the heat of a 1000 suns people who don’t pick up after their dogs
//has a dog
October 22nd, 2009 at 2:32 pm
@T Sperm: Niiiice. I second Uff’s approval of your actions, and also encourage you to give sex while she’s on the rag a shot
October 22nd, 2009 at 2:32 pm
Also, what type of person only does the “right thing” when people are looking. Untrustworthy.
/still upset over the poop
October 22nd, 2009 at 2:32 pm
I think the guy who likes to get rough in bed with his girlfriend should start dating dog shit girl.
October 22nd, 2009 at 2:33 pm
That dog poop thing is wrong. Holy shit, clean up after your dog woman!
fart dude: seriously? if you opened your mouth you would have vomited? really? you are a cock slap.
October 22nd, 2009 at 2:35 pm
For the guy with the magazine-stealing chick. Send her my way. I steal stuff too.
October 22nd, 2009 at 2:36 pm
I think Maroney’s a decent play this week. Sammy Morris got hurt last week and is listed as questionable. Since they’re playing 1) in London and 2) against Tampa, I’d be surprised if they even force him to make the trip. Fred Taylor, being Fred Taylor, is out. So it’s Maroney and the Law Firm getting the carries. Maroney went 16 for 123 and a TD last week. So he’ll get carries, and if that offense is anywhere close to as in-sync as last week, there will be holes to run through.
Newsweek – Your only option is to have the exact talk with her that CC described. Either she shapes up as a result, or she still says it’s no big deal. If she chooses the latter, you’re going to continue to resent her for that, and every other little thing she does is going to piss you off that much worse. You’re completely in the right, she’s an asshole, and she needs to hear it from you.
October 22nd, 2009 at 2:36 pm
StarterWife is right. Dog shit woman shows serious integrity red flag there that could very well come back to bite you in a big way some day.
October 22nd, 2009 at 2:41 pm
Alright, I’m going to say it…
Richard Blade… Heh, best porn name EVER!
October 22nd, 2009 at 2:58 pm
I find it amusing that people write in with fantasy questions and no sex questions. 95% of the comments are about the sex questions, how many people really read for the fantasy advice?
October 22nd, 2009 at 3:04 pm
El Bandito: All the previous advice from the commenters above are right on with what I’d say, but let me add this:
If you do choose the exit strategy, you’re probably gonna want the “nice guy” breakup. Especially if the relationship is otherwise good. Last thing you want is to find out that, in addition to stealing magazines and leaving dogshit behind, she fights dirty after a nasty break-up. Stick to the high road on this one. There are plenty of fine young responsible women out there. Not easy to find, but worth more than just a quick search.
October 22nd, 2009 at 3:05 pm
Deserves- first time I played FF (although I grew up with two coaches as a dad and brother) I was still lost and a then BF got me in the league. He basically helped me draft a team, and then refused to help me. So I got my ass online, did player research and studied strategy. Ended up beating him and getting 2nd overall…and have been hooked ever since and even now I commish for an all girls league with my man’s buddies wives to try and teach them all.
Tell her where the tools to learn are, and make it fun for her to learn and you never know she might be beating your ass on her own accord before you know it.
October 22nd, 2009 at 3:06 pm
And I agree with everyone else on dob poo girl…jeezy petes, if she can’t clean up after the dog, DO NOT have kids with the girl!
October 22nd, 2009 at 3:09 pm
Ugh, the Newsweek girl enrages me. I don’t have a dog (anymore, but that’s another story), yet I somehow always have dogshit in my yard. Fucking people. The other story is that I got the ex a puppy for her birthday a few years ago, but of course I was the one up in the middle of night in winter taking him outside, picking up after him, getting up early to feed him, etc. Girls with no sense of responsibility suck. Throw in no intergrity or honesty (no matter how small or trivial it may be; it’s the principle) and she’s not worth it. Just gonna end badly. Trust me.
October 22nd, 2009 at 3:09 pm
fartman, congratulations. you were never really that into her and have found the excuse you were looking for to break it off.
October 22nd, 2009 at 3:11 pm
Be careful dating people with no moral compass.
First wife. Found out she was cheating. Response: “Sorry you found out, sorry I hurt your feelings”. What she DID wasn’t innately wrong, just that she got caught and it “hurt my feelings”. There were lots of similar, smaller issues that should have thrown up a red flag. Hindsight is 20-20 and all…
October 22nd, 2009 at 3:12 pm
@ Johnny Tightlips: “There are plenty of fine young responsible women out there.” Oh really? Problem is that most of them usually have boyfriends, and by 30 or so they’re all married and have families.
October 22nd, 2009 at 3:22 pm
I love how we’re all crapping on the guy with the farting girlfriend. Some of the best running jokes I’ve had in my serious relationships were about poop. My last girlfriend farted in bed and as long as there wasn’t a lump in it or it wasn’t during sex (and even that I’d forgive) it was funny. We’re all just animals. Grow up and deal with it.
October 22nd, 2009 at 3:28 pm
@El Newsweek Bandito: I bet your girlfriend is the same kind of cunt that uses the HOV lane when she’s all alone.
October 22nd, 2009 at 3:29 pm
On the last post…sounds like she’s a selfish bitch and you’re probably just getting the tip of the ice berg.
As, Sunny would say in “A Bronx Tale”..” Dump Her! Dump her and dump her fast!
October 22nd, 2009 at 3:31 pm
If you don’t like picking up shit (I don’t), get a cat (I have two). Let the little fuckers go outside, and they’ll quit using the litterbox, too (unlike dogs, cats shit WAY out of anywhere one ever steps).
October 22nd, 2009 at 3:38 pm
Am i the only one who gets hard when Ufford does the mail bag?
\no homo
October 22nd, 2009 at 3:40 pm
Fuck you CC!
/goes back to his lvl 6 Ranger with grey eyes
October 22nd, 2009 at 3:50 pm
Does ripping an article from a magazine at the chinese takeout place count? Parenting magazine with tips to dealwith the rapscallions….
October 22nd, 2009 at 4:00 pm
Are some of the questioners playing in a four-team league?
Casselbeck, how in God’s name did you draft Andre Johnson, Frank Gore, Roddy White, and Ryan Grant? In my two leagues, those first three were off the board within the first fifteen picks and Grant wasn’t far behind.
October 22nd, 2009 at 4:04 pm
Fart guy – I don’t care if you were grossed out, but ease up on the South Park references. We get it – the show is funny.
October 22nd, 2009 at 4:04 pm
My uncle laid down some sage advice when I was but a young whippersnapper, long ago….”women fart”.
True words. Lofty words.
October 22nd, 2009 at 4:10 pm
Rocco: Yeah, but you occasionally find one who’s been put off from dating for a while because some assmunching fuckwit dumped her after she cut one in bed….
October 22nd, 2009 at 4:11 pm
@Otto, the only thing I can think of is that the guy plays in a keeper league.
October 22nd, 2009 at 4:15 pm
If she treats you right in the bedroom, how can you justify not treating her right outside of it?
I was waiting for the “The More You Know” star to come across the screen at this point.
October 22nd, 2009 at 4:15 pm
Jacking off on titties: Great idea. Sometimes you gotta do something to point out the simple fact that she needs to put out or you’ll put out on her!
Kinda a meh mailbag overall.
Girl fart guy. Let it go. I mean we all get a huge ass fart once in a while. As was stated, you are an ass. But yes beat up the D&D asshole.
October 22nd, 2009 at 4:18 pm
If you don’t like picking up shit (I don’t), get a cat (I have two).
Also, if you have a vagina.
I never could trust a guy who had cats….
October 22nd, 2009 at 4:21 pm
Before I read a word of any of that, I have to say that that book cover is one of the gayest goddam things I’ve ever seen, even though it has a topless chick on it.
October 22nd, 2009 at 4:23 pm
Lofty mailbag. Loftier than usual.
El Bandito: Allow me to play Devil’s Advocate.
/looks for Devil’s Advocate pinball machine; doesn’t find it
Oh well. Anyway, how old is this girl? This may just be immaturity on her part. Have a serious talk with her, and call her out EVERY TIME she does something, um, shitty. One of two things will happen: 1) She may change her selfish ways with you as a positive influence, or, 2) She will resent the hell out of you and start fucking some random barista. While #2 is probably more likely, it might be worth a shot to see if she grows up a little. Her behavior, while selfish, isn’t necessarily “evil bitch forever” behavior.
October 22nd, 2009 at 4:27 pm
Oh fucking christ – dude with girl who refuses to pick up dog shit? I want her address now so I can shove a huge sack of dog shit right in her mouth. I mean really deep in there. I fucking HATE that. If you can’t handle one of the few basic responsibilities of owning a dog; don’t own a dog.
October 22nd, 2009 at 4:30 pm
KSK,
Football – Who to start- H. Miller @ Minn or Witten @ ATL?
I had to stop here. MN has been getting raped by TEs this entire season. Vernon Davis had almost 100 yards and 2 tds. The MN linebackers can’t cover themselves with a Snuggie. Start Heath. He’s due for a game. Witten is on the insufferable Dallas squad this season that has failed mightily to produce.
October 22nd, 2009 at 4:37 pm
RE The Yeti: How is it not an “even trade”? Hairless bajingo vs. hairless junk. Sounds even to me. What makes you think you deserve extras because you’re willing to do something she already does? How does that shit compute? Also, she probably waxes, rather than shaving. ie, she pays some other chick money every few weeks to have the hair ripped out.
October 22nd, 2009 at 4:46 pm
regarding the connection between D&D and fantasy football… fantasy sports are actually considered to be one of the earliest forms of role playing games and it’s what D&D and all other such nerdy rps were later derived from.
October 22nd, 2009 at 4:52 pm
PurpJesDia–agreed. much more coherent/articulate than what I said earlier.
October 22nd, 2009 at 4:55 pm
To the fart dude. Never get married. It happens, it’s usually funny, and is natural. A girl who doesn’t fart, also doesn’t exist. I am also dying to know your position on queefs*
*does not give a shit
October 22nd, 2009 at 5:03 pm
I am in the distinct minority, I guess, in that I always pick up dog shit when I run either or both of my dogs in the public parks (always fun to try to control one dog while picking up the other’s crap), but where we live nobody picks up after their dogs in the neighborhoods. Everybody’s yard gets shat on. I feel guilty when I don’t pick up, but my yard gets shat on by others’ dogs.
/why yes, I do live in the South.
October 22nd, 2009 at 5:08 pm
gf on Period Dude – Obviously each lady is going to be different, but if she’s got hang ups on the sexin’ on the period deal talk to her about it.
Mrs. Merk had serious hangups with it, until we had an off the cuff conversation about it and I basically put it down to that it’s no worse than the mess that I make during sexy time. It’s all bodily fluids.
As Matt says a lil preventative measure and you’re good to go with no pesky waiting periods (no pun) each month.
October 22nd, 2009 at 5:23 pm
Follow up dog poop question…. As a suburban dog owner, I picked up all my dogs poop. Now that I live in a more or less rural setting, with 1000’s of acres of county land behind my house, when I take her back there I don’t pick up if she is off the trail, and I walk her back there and make sure she poops off the trail. I feel conflicted. Is leaving my dog’s poop more socially unacceptable than all the other prohibited (atv’s ect) stuff going on back there? I have rationalized it in the past, but given my reaction to that woman who steals magazines, I wonder if I am just kidding myself.
October 22nd, 2009 at 5:25 pm
BDD’s mother sucks cocks in hell.
yet even SHE knows he banned me from deadspin for no reason this morning.
feeling a bit punchy today, BDD? just wanted to ban someone to make you feel BIG there guy? fucking ass monkey
October 22nd, 2009 at 5:27 pm
Nothing at all to do with this post but like Ufford I have Brady and Schaub on my team and its an agonizing choice every week. Uffords already got like 17 blogs, why not add one more that says who you start so I can pick the opposite of you every week?
October 22nd, 2009 at 5:33 pm
@ Merk and period dude…She prob has hangups over it, specially if she’s blessed with the crazy heavy flow or something…I think the biggest thing is if the idea doesn’t gross you out, make it clear that it doesn’t and she will prob be okay with it. I can’t justify the teasing, but I can tell you sometimes us girlies get more uh..friskey when its that time, maybe she wanted to, but wasn’t sure your take on it.
Dark towel is genius, my guy and I still do it, it just necessitates a shower afterwards or I am always on top with cleanup plan in place before we get down.
October 22nd, 2009 at 5:40 pm
Fart dude : This question has to be fake, but on the 0.000001% chance that it’s not : Fucking hang yourself and buy a blowup doll. They don’t fart. Every other human being does. She even apologized. You, sir, are a cunt, and a fucking waste of goddamn air. Find the nearest fucking train tracks and lie down on it.
Dude with the non-functioning willy : Yeah, making her come over and then telling her “Hey, I know you’re here to do the bangies, but SURPRISE! MY DICK DON’T WORK!” is not the smartest thing. Tell her beforehand, then tell her you plenty of other ways to make her cum. That said, I’d say it’s a pretty safe bet that she might not be interested in coming over anymore, because she’ll very likely want cock, and at the least get to make you cum too.
However, by telling her beforehand, she will respect that, and there’s a chance she’ll keep sending you dirty emails and such. If you fuck her over by making her travel and then tell her, she’ll never, ever talk to your ass again.
Freaky sex dude : You need to learn some BDSM lessons. If you can’t differentiate between treating a girl like filth in bed, and treating her like filth in real life, you should either find a girl that WANTS to be treated that way (there’s plenty of them) or talk to some BDSM guys who life that lifestyle, and can tell you how to keep things “focused”, so to speak.
October 22nd, 2009 at 5:42 pm
isn’t it pretty to think so?
October 22nd, 2009 at 5:46 pm
@ItouchdownThere – exactly. It’s about the comfort level. I wasn’t teasing when I said it was it’s all from our bodies, and she was good with it.
@supermike – fuck it… i’ll let BDD take it (hopefully)
October 22nd, 2009 at 5:47 pm
wait, period girl wouldn’t even jerk you off onto the aforementioned tits? surely that’s not too much to ask. some girls get pretty good at it too, especially if they’re the sort of girl who doesn’t do period sex, oral, or anal.
and wait a sec, what about the tittyfucking?
October 22nd, 2009 at 5:54 pm
@Merlin, I figure if your dog is decently off the trail and back in the brush its fine to let it lie. The deer, racoons, coyotes and whatever else you have back in the woods all shit in those woods. On the trail or in danger of being stepped on (close to the trail) isn’t cool and needs to be scooped. When I walk my dogs in the woods I grab the shit if it is within ~5 feet of the trail, otherwise I let it lie.
This is only out in the brush though, if my dog craps anywhere on the manicured grass, the picnic area or camping area I grab it.
October 22nd, 2009 at 5:55 pm
The idea of doing it while on the rag grosses my shit out, but then I wouldn’t have gone over to some dude’s house and gotten him all turned on and then refused to follow through. That shit ain’t right.
RE neglected dog shit/pilfered magazine chick: While I understand why people hate stepping on dog shit that someone else has left in walkways and stealing magazines is indeed stealing even if it’s from a coffee shop, everybody on the face of the earth does shit when they think they’re not being watched that they wouldn’t do in front of people or under scrutiny. None of you people has ever exceeded the speed limit or floated a stop sign or done anything less than 100% scrupulously honest? I find that difficult to believe. I’m not rationalizing being fundamentally dishonest, just saying, not picking up dog doo and swiping magazines from a coffee shop seem like kinda stupid things to get all verklempt over. I know people in the big city feel like dog shit is a big deal, but it seems like a relatively minor thing to me. I don’t think “insane jealousy” and “not picking up dog shit at night because nobody can see you” are comparable.
October 22nd, 2009 at 6:01 pm
Newsweek- I’ll second what everyone else said and add this: Even if she says she won’t ever victimize you with the corner cutting doesn’t mean she won’t. I had a lot of trust issues getting in my last relationship and the girl told me that, among other things, that she would never ever cheat on me, had never done that and that if things got to that point, the relationship would end before that…and of course, she cheated on me. So, no, you aren’t wrong to be worried, and you might want to consider getting the hell out of there before you’re the victim.
October 22nd, 2009 at 7:26 pm
I inadvertently step in poo every damn morning because of people like Newsweek Poop Girl… fuck her and people like her!!
October 22nd, 2009 at 7:33 pm
I only post occassionally, and never have I posted anything in the mailbag because, quite frankly, I’m semi-retarded when it comes to women.
However, newsweek bandito, your situation is very similar to a situation I was in not terribly long ago.
The thing is, dude, I don’t know you, so I’m only a little more foolish for offering advice than you are for asking football guys for theirs. It seems to me that you’re kind of looking for something- anything- that will give you a valid excuse to jet. What Slash said, just above, is pretty right on. All of us have our own problems with honesty & integrity on some issue, and this woman of yours’ problem is actually pretty trivial. Make sure you’re not “making a mountain out of a mole-hill” as my old man likes to tell me. If she were getting bizzarre text messages, or still communicating with ex-boyfriends, or even being dishonest about going out with her “girl-friends” then that’s another issue. Make sure you’re not giving up on something good because you’re afraid of the potential commitment, or the pressure you feel from any outside interests.
To everyone who thinks that this is a sign of some deeper dishonesty that resides in the pits of this woman’s soul: fuck off. Fuck right off and die. She’s not picking up after a little dog, and she’s and taking the magazines from coffee shops. She is NOT hiding her cell phone correspondences from him. She is not (from the e-mail he sent in) behaving suspiciously about her time spent away from him. She’s not hiding condom wrappers, or keeping a second cell phone, or hiding a fucking murder weapon. The dude is just looking for us to justify his finding a personality flaw in a girl he’s been with for 9 months as an excuse to dump her because… well, I don’t know the because, but I’m pretty sure he’s just looking for an excuse to get out. He’s just afraid of the commitment that he may be locking himself into. It’s just as likely that he’s really good at rationalizing his decisions as she is at rationalizing hers.
Dealing with criminals, and accused criminals on a regualr basis may jade a person’s opinion a little, but Christ’s sake, folks; it’s old magazines and tiny dog turds.
October 22nd, 2009 at 9:30 pm
@ITouchdownThere – Is that you FMRA?
October 22nd, 2009 at 11:08 pm
supermike, no one here gives a rat’s dick about your fruity Deadspin drama. Take that shit elsewhere.
October 23rd, 2009 at 6:57 am
@Nikki Fantasy football may be your life, but I donLt. Want. Your. Life.
October 23rd, 2009 at 9:25 am
Ahhh…. the Deuce. Brings back memories.
October 23rd, 2009 at 9:34 am
LaFarve…uh what the hell is FMRA?
October 23rd, 2009 at 9:54 am
@Can’t stand it when women fart douchebag
The fuck is wrong with you? Farts are funny. Good job making your girlfriend feel like shit for no reason.
October 23rd, 2009 at 11:12 am
girls farting can even be sexy! ever seen cake farts?
(do not google it if you are at work)
October 23rd, 2009 at 11:57 am
She is a kommenter that seems to have vanished.
October 23rd, 2009 at 12:45 pm
Oh well, it’s a small dog and the shit isn’t big…
I’m gonna use that line. Dunno how, but it’s a GREAT rationalization!
October 23rd, 2009 at 2:11 pm
Back in the day when I was single, I always figured that if a woman felt comfortable enough to fart in front of me, then that was a good thing. Plus, it is pretty funny most times.
October 24th, 2009 at 4:11 pm
I feel sorry for dogshit girlfriend guy. Sounds like she has no respect for anyone.
and guy who wrote a novel defending her: lol
October 24th, 2009 at 11:19 pm
Look folks, the problem here is that Farting Girlfriend Boy has gone about explaining this all the wrong way. I am a male and am well aware of the fact that both the female and male homo sapien release methane and nevertheless take issue with the endless hate laid on this guy. I don’t fart in front of girls. In fact, I make a point to not do so. Girlfriends, wife, strangers…I don’t fart in front of women and I like to think that most women wouldn’t fart in front of me, it seems like a common courtesy in a society dominated by social taboos. That being said, yea, dude’s an ass, probably shoulda known he was gonna get ripped on for trying to explain the situation the way he did but I believe that perhaps asking him to lie down in front of a train may have been an excessive reaction…
October 26th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
Fart Boy: When I first heard my wife fart, she was embarrassed and said “excuse me.” I was polite and I said “certainly”. Five seconds later I farted louder and longer. Man up, and use it as an opportunity to be the pig you really are.
/Farts