dick-blade

Many of you have taken to writing ONLY a fantasy football question, which kind of irks me. We’re giving free mediocre fantasy advice here, and all we ask for in return is a window into your sordid sex life. Is that really so much to ask?

But then some of you write in with only sex-related questions, and I realize that perhaps that balances things out. Besides, I’ve always preached brevity, so it would seem strange to demand uninteresting questions you don’t really care about. So you may all continue to flaunt the rules. For now.

This week: manscaping, girl farts, Ryan Grant, bye week dilemmas, reunions, bad trades, mailbag etiquette, sterility, dog poo, and Dungeons and Dragons metaphors. Let’s do it.

KSK,
90 yards on the ground is usually a pretty decent game, but it pissed me off a little bit that Ryan Grant couldn’t do more against Detroit, especially with a lead. He also couldn’t break 100 against St. Louis and failed to score in either game. This week he’s playing the Browns and, Jesus Almighty, that’s another juicy matchup. Should I throw him out there a third time, or am I better off with Mendenhall vs. the Vikings or Pierre Thomas against Miami? I don’t have a flex (3 WR), it’s PPR, and this is assuming DeAngelo Williams locks down the other RB spot against the Bills.
–Nick

Oh, quit your bitching. Grant’s the best play this week, but if you want to be a little girl about it, Mendenhall is a perfectly good option.

Parishioners of the Matron Saint,
Sex: I wish I had a query to put here.

That’s cool. Don’t put any effort into writing a question. I’ll give you just as much effort in my answer.

Football: 12-team league, standard scoring (fractional points awarded for yards). I’m looking to cash in my RB depth to upgrade another position (I have Gore, Grant, Mendenhall, Rice), but I’m not sure which one. Should I try to upgrade at QB or WR? I have the immortal Cassel/Hasselbeck duo at QB, while at WR I start Andre Johnson and Roddy White every week, but am getting frustrated with Harvin as my third wheel (my only other WR is Berrian). The only offer that’s got any sort of legs right now is Grant-for-Marshall straight up. Thoughts?
- Crazy for Casselbeck

I like that trade. You suffer almost no downgrade at RB while massively upgrading your wide receiver corps. Pull the trigger.

KSK,
So, no questions about fantasy football cause I’m getting gang raped in my league, but I want to ask a question about male grooming. Recently a girl asked me if I’d shave my junk completely for her. Normally I do a nice trim job because once it gets thick woodland creatures could take up residence, but the only time I’ve ever gone completely bald was when I was younger and accidentally trimmed down too close and had to even it up. Needless to say I’m not 100% comfortable with the bald look. And since she already shaves her vag, it’s not like we are making an even trade.

So I’m probably just going to go ahead and do it, but my questions are A) what is a fair request to make as a trade-off for going bald. I’m thinking more blowjobs and B) Since I’ve also got hairy legs and a happy trail, how far do I take the baldness to keep it aesthetically pleasing without shaving everything? I don’t want to start and end up not having any eyebrows.
-The Yeti

Why don’t you ask your girlfriend? She’s the one who seems to know what she wants. I’d prefer not to give other dudes manscaping advice. In fact, I’m a little angry that you put me in the position to use the word “manscaping” at all.

KSK,
Football – Who to start- H. Miller @ Minn or Witten @ ATL?

Witten. He hasn’t really produced this year the way he has in years past, but I still think he’s the stronger play.

Sex – Also related to football – I’m in a fantasy league started by one of my girlfriends friends, and this year my girlfriend was convinced to join. Unfortunately that means I’ve been giving her advice the entire time. Right now, she is in first place, and I’m tied for second. At what point do I start withholding advice so that I win?
Thanks,
Deserves credit for running two successful teams

*rubs temples*

For those of you who are in the same fantasy league as your significant other, I ask you: did it ever occur to you that the behavior you’re supposed to exhibit in a relationship (sharing, open communication, a sense of togetherness) is EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE of how you’re supposed to behave in a fantasy league? Fantasy demands that you be selfish, ruthless, cutthroat. That’s why so many men use it as a mental escape from their relationships.

You, sir, got yourself into a fine little predicament. Continue to be a good boyfriend and put your fantasy team at risk, or play it straight and risk ending up in the doghouse. I recommend you play it Socratic with her: when she asks you who she should play, ask her what SHE thinks. And if she’s stuck, show her how YOU would find the answers. Confucius say: give woman starting lineup, she win for one week. Teach woman fantasy method, she make own bad decisions.

Hail to the Lords of the Learned Labial Lemniscate,
First, fantasy football. League is PPR, and counts KR/PR yards the same as receiving yards.

Whoa, kinky!

Start 3 WR – one is Hines Ward, who’s been all smirres this year. Pick 2 from the following: Boldin or Breaston @NYG, Manningham or Nicks @ARI, Sidney Rice @PIT.

Boldin is injured and will either be out or limited, so Breaston actually seems like the wiser play. Put Manningham or Nicks at the other slot — I’d lean towards Manningham, but really it depends on who Eli happens to be favoring this week. And in next year’s fantasy draft, maybe don’t take a bunch of receivers on the same team.

Also, I traded Ray Rice straight up for Manningham after week 2. How much of a fuckup was that?

Moderate but not insurmountable.

Sex: Going to a reunion this week. Any reunion specific tips on (a) scoring and/or (b) nailing that one that you never had the sack to chase in school? Does it matter that it’s grad school?
Thanks,
Gary

Sure it matters that it’s grad school. It doesn’t have any of the sweeping nostalgia or the pubescent uncertainty of high school. It’s the UFL of reunions.

Tips: Dress well. Be one drink behind everyone else. Re-connect with your crushes early, then excuse yourself from the conversation with a promise to talk more later. Follow up after she’s had more drinks but before she’s making out with someone else.

Hey,
So, football: Due to incredibly short-sighted drafting, I now have five players with byes this week, three of them receivers. That means I’m only going to have one receiver this week, instead of two. I’m hesitant to make a trade because I’m pretty satisfied with my roster and this is only a one-time issue. Any guys I should be watching the waiver wire for, or do I just make a trade for someone and hope it works out for the best?

If you like your roster, don’t make a trade to try to stave off defeat for a single bad week. As for the waiver wire, depending on the size of your league and its rosters, you should be able to pick up a guy like Michael Jenkins, Pierre Garcon, Greg Camarillo, or someone of that stature that can give you 5-7 points while you pray he gets a touchdown.

And on to sex: I hooked up recently with a long-time female friend on her 21st birthday. She was hesitant about it at first but then really got into it. A few days later I went ahead and asked her out and she soundly rejected me. But since then, rather than things being weird or awkward she’s been more flirty and we’re spending more time around each other than ever before. Since she’s had a few of shitty relationships (very much including her last) I think she just doesn’t want to make anything formal. Should I just accept that there will be no “relationship” but only a nebulous quasi-(no Peter King reference intended)-togetherishness, or do I press the issue with her? Or is this all just reading too much into it?
-A.L.

F that noise. Tell her that you’re into her and you understand she may have issues, then get the hell out of the way. You might get some sex when she’s feeling drunk or needy, or you might get an epic mindfuck for the ages. Or maybe she works things out in her head and decides she wants to be your girlfriend. Fuck, man. I don’t know. It just sounds like a shitty deal to me. I’d take what I could get and focus on moving on.

Dear All Knowing,
SEX: So I am in the midst of a blossoming new relationship and everything was going well until last night. After some great sex, and by great sex I mean I had an orgasm, we were lying in bed waiting for sleep to come, when my girlfriend farted. Now this wasn’t a Road Warrior fart, in fact, if she had cut the cheese from a wheel her slice would have represented the percentage of people who didn’t pick Purple Jesus first in their draft-which consists of Bears fans and the mildly retarded-but nonetheless it was audible. After a moment of silence, she said “Excuse me” but I was in such utter disgust and shock that I just laid there and pretended to be asleep. I think if I had opened my mouth, vomit would have covered my bed. Now this isn’t a deal breaker or anything I was just wondering what KSKers felt about this situation, as my friends don’t find it as revolting as I do (and there are even those who get off on it you sick people). Also, I realize how hypocritical I am in saying this as I fart all the time and think it’s hilarious, I even farted on the head of one of my best friends girlfriend one time on accident (bitch deserved it though). But the fact is, life has double standards (I have to pay for dinner AND the condoms?!).

You’re an ass.

FANTASY: The other day this kid told me that fantasy football was merely Dungeons and Dragons for jocks. Groups of males come together generally in a basement or garage of sorts (Draft Day), you pick your class (team starting positions) you duel (the games) by rolling dye (there is a good amount of chance i.e. Miles Austin with 250 yards and 2 TDs WTF?) and there is a Dungeon Master who decides the rules (League Commissioner)… The connections are disturbing and I didn’t know what to say to him. Should I punch him in the nose and break his already taped glasses the next time I see him or should I turn in my Strahan jersey for a cloak and concede to spending my nights watching G4TV while eating Hot Pockets with the realization of never getting laid again… even by Baby Farts McGeezaks.
Thanks,
-Never pulling his girlfriend’s finger.

Here’s what I want you to do: you find that nerdy little weasel who fed you that bullshit, and you beat him to within an inch of his life.

I’m gonna break this down Barney-style since — let’s be honest here — you seem a little slow: the difference between Drew Brees and an orc is that Drew Brees is real. He plays in actual football games every Sunday. Games that are attended by tens of thousands of fans, and watched on TV by millions more. And he gets paid millions of dollars to do it. And the people who play in fantasy football leagues go to bars to watch these very real football contests, and they drink beer with friends while they do it. And there are usually girls at these bars, even if they are only there because they are employees. Oh, and they pay a fee to be in these leagues, so there’s money on the line that depends on these real televised events.

In conclusion, yes, fantasy football is just like Dungeons and Dragons, except it involves gambling, actual popular events instead of imaginary characters, alcohol, and women.

KSK,
Just like the commenters, only fantasy this week, no sex.

Sweet. Another question to which I can half-ass my response.

I have to approve a trade in my 12 team league that is going be starting keepers at the end of the year. 2 keepers per team. The trade in question is from a 2-4 team (MJD, Megatron, Jones, and Burleson) to a 4-2 team (AP and TO). The 4-2 team will now be sporting a starting lineup of McNabb, MJD, Wayne, Gonzalez, Megatron, and Jones. Previously I’ve been the sole approver for trades, but this one has me confused. Is it ok to let a team trade away all of its talent for 1 keeper? TO is trash, so clearly this trade is for a guy that has value for next year. So, do I turn my key? Do I put it to a vote? Do I deny it, wielding the great power entrusted in my by 11 lazy football fans?

Please note that the 4-2 team owner and I have agreed to abide by your decision.

You realize that there’s more than one fucking Jones who plays a skill position in the NFL, right? Felix Jones? Julius Jones? No matter: the trade is fine. The 2-4 guy is a dipshit for giving up more than MJD and Megatron (or even as much as MJD and Megatron), but it’s not so egregious as to veto.

FACKers,
Fantasy: First, I traded Portis, Bowe, and Berrian in order to get Gore. Might be a risk considering Gore’s coming off injury but I have spent the majority of the season waiting for Portis’ shins to spontaneously explode and was itching to get rid of him. Think I made a good call?

Depends on your WRs. But at first glance, it’s a good trade assuming you got another player.

Second, RBs this week: Gore, Caddy, Maroney, and Bradshaw; WRs: DeSean Jackson, Ward, Sidney Rice, and Nicks. I’m thinking Gore, Maroney, Ward, and Rice for sure, would you rather do Jackson or Caddy at the flex (PPR)?

Would it fucking kill you to give me the matchups? Everybody else who writes in includes the players’ opponents. Are you inconsiderate, or do you just think you’re better than everyone else?

*looks up the fucking NINE matchups this asshole wants me to weigh in on*

All right, Cadillac is out because the Bucs are fucking terrible. That running game is fantasy cancer. I’m not big on Rice but he’s been producing better with Favre at QB; however, Nicks is playing at home against Arizona, whereas the Vikes are in Pittsburgh. And Jesus, DeSean’s playing the Redskins! How are you considering playing Cadillac Williams over him? Start DeSean.

Sex: For some reason I happened to find Drew’s old parenting blog and was reading the perfect fathers day post. Funny shit, but something caught my eye…the Cigarette girl outfit fantasy. It got me thinking, what are some other off the beaten path fantasies to try out? Me and the lady are trying to spice things up a bit.

Flapper vampires. Furry detectives. Priest/altar boy. Russian tsarina and the horse she had lowered onto the bed to fuck her. Is that off the beaten path enough?

Spicing it up needn’t be costume-related, you know. Back in college, my then-girlfriend got dressed to the nines and went to an after-hours hotspot (Chicago’s Mark II Lounge, if you must know. An absolute dump, but the northernmost Chicago bar open until 4 a.m.). I arrived twenty minutes after she did and took a seat a little ways down the bar. After a couple guys had tried talking to her, I went over, introduced myself, and bought her a drink. I fielded a stealthy thumbs-up from the bartender. We made small talk and didn’t stop the “perfect strangers” act until after we’d gone back to her place and engaged in freaky one-night stand sex.

That was over ten years ago, and I still remember it fondly. Maybe something similar can work for you and your wife.

What it be?
Sex: My girlfriend and I only get to see each other about once a week. On a recent visit, we’d gotten past all the “talking” and whatnot and were about to get down to business. She got me all hot and bothered and ready to go, then told me she was on her period. And she didn’t want to give me head. Plus she’s not down with anal. So I did what I figured any normal person would do. I started jacking off on her boobs. She was a little shocked and asked me something about not having any shame. I told her that no, I don’t have any shame, and I finished up all over her breastish region. Is my behavior especially abnormal? I figured it was her fault for teasing me, and she’s lucky I didn’t aim for her hair or eyes. Should I have handled this differently?

I generally encourage communication and mutual respect in the bedroom, but you know what? I like your moxie, sir. She painted you into a corner, and you painted her back. Bra. Vo.

Moving forward, she needs to be clear about when she’s having her period, and you two should discuss ways to satisfy each other during that time. And don’t rule out sex. It’s not that bad depending on how heavy her flow is — just put a dark towel on the bed or do it in the shower. There are very, very few reasons not to have sex, and a little blood is not one of them.

Fantasy: Which 2 running backs should I start this week out of Ronnie Brown (vs. New Orleans), Laurence Maroney (vs. Tampa Bay), and Larry Johnson (vs. San Diego)?
Thanks,
T Sperm

WOOF. You have to start TWO of those guys? Jesus. What, is Edgerrin James not on your roster?

Well, Brown’s in for sure. Maroney is useless but playing against a terrible team, while Johnson is useless and playing on a terrible team. So pick your poison. I’d probably go with Johnson just to avoid being fucked by Belichick’s whims.*

*(answer void if Sammy Morris doesn’t play)

Fellowship of the Cock Ring,

I have a dilemna of the sexual nature. So, an old girlfriend, in fact, my first girlfriend ever, found me online and we have been talking and sexting and it gets pretty naughty and dirty, and she is good with the “gooey” details. She wants to come visit…here’s where the dilemna comes in. I am disabled and have no feeling, thus function, in my nether-region..ok, fine, I’ll just say it – my linebacker is inactive. So, I feel like I should tell her this, because I am sure that she is under the impression that my “linebacker” is ready to sack. But, if I tell her, then the fun, dirty texting and conversations might end. On the flip side, my tongue works…that sounded bad, but you know what I mean. So, I could participate sexually to some degree. I’m at a loss here – help me out.
Thanks, DeActivated

Come on, pal. You know the answer to this already.You think things’ll be okay if she just shows up and you’re like, “p.s. My penis doesn’t work”?

Nope, you gotta sack up now. I recommend open communication with far fewer football metaphors. And you should read The Sun Also Rises by Hemingway if you haven’t already. There’s a fellow with your predicament who’s in love with a girl who loves him back. It’s not a happy ending, but you’ll at least have a famous literary character to identify with.

Dear Sirs,
I like filthy sex.

Join the club.

I like pulling hair, I like choking, I like spanking, I’ve tied a few girls up with scarves and long sleeve shirts but I’ve never used any toys or anything, no gimp masks. The problem is this doesn’t exactly foster a whole lot of respect for one’s partner. That is to say, treating girls like shit in bed tends to lead to treating them like shit in general. I would one day like to settle down and have a family and have no interest in treating my wife and childrens’ mother like shit. So my question is: is it possible to terrorize in the sack and still have a healthy relationship otherwise, or do I need to cut that shit out before some Thai maid finds me hanged from my balls in a closet?

Buddy, you’ve got a messed-up approach to sex. Treating girls like shit in bed does not — absolutely does NOT — necessitate treating them like shit in general. There are plenty of women who like all the things that you like in bed (I recommend finding a girl with daddy issues), but that kind of kink should be an extension of intimacy, not a behavior that you carry into the rest of the relationship. In fact, if your woman is giving you the filthy sex you desire, that should be incentive to you being a better boyfriend/husband/whatever. If she treats you right in the bedroom, how can you justify not treating her right outside of it?

Footballwise, Berrian @PIT or Manningham hosting el Buzzsaw?
Thanks,
-Z

Manningham.

Dear Ambassadors of Goodwill, Friendship and Ass,
Fantasy Football question, I’m loaded at WR (Randy Moss, Larry Fitzgerald and Hines Ward are my regulars) abnd , but I’m weak at QB with Jason Campbell and Tony Romo. I have Braylon Edwards who I grabbed as a prospect and am being offered the trade of Chad Henne for Braylon Edwards. I really don’t need Edwards and things are headed downhill for Washington, do I want to make this trade or can I try to shop Braylon around for more than just Chad? Looking at the schedule I could see starting Chad against Tampa Bay, Buffalo, Tennessee, and Jacksonsville but sitting him against the Pats, Saints and Steelers for sure.

(UPDATE – Sorry I missed this at first glance.) You can and should get MUCH better than Henne for Braylon. If you throw in a spare part like a backup running back, you should get someone of at least Roethlisberger’s fantasy stature.

I’ve been in a relationship for 9 months now, good relation, long term potential and fairly solid but of course I have a problem so I’m writing in. She steals magazines from coffee shops and doesn’t pick up her dog’s shit. On one hand these seem like stupid things to hold against an otherwise fine girlfriend, but my problem is with how she rationalizes them. On the dog shit for example, she’ll pick it up during the day but at night when she goes to take the dog she doesn’t even bother to grab a bag because she knows its dark and no one can see shit. I’ve called her out on this and she goes “Oh well, it’s a small dog and the shit isn’t big, no one will notice.” With the magazines she claims she takes them back when she goes in for coffee later in the week, but this pretty much a shit line since they’re all still sitting on coffee table.

My concern is not over the magazines, the dog shit and the other minor stuff along these lines that she pulls, it’s that she rationalizes it and only does it when she knows she won’t get caught. During the day when someone could see her, she cleans up after the dog, at night she doesn’t. So I find myself thinking “What else is she doing she knows/thinks she won’t get caught doing?” and it’s been eating me up. I have no reason not to trust her in terms of how she has acted to me, but if she’s willing to act this way I have no assurances I won’t be a victim of it someday. Also I have this fear that one day we’ll go out for coffee and get busted as she stuffs a week-old copy of Newsweek in her backup, that would be pretty damn humiliating to me. If she wants a 2 dollar magazine I’ll buy her a copy.

So do I have a valid concern here or am I overreacting over dog shit and Newsweek?
Thanks,
El Newsweek Bandito

You know what? You’re not overreacting. You, sir, are one of the few remaining people whose lives are driven by integrity and honesty. Your girlfriend is not one of those people. This is not to say that she doesn’t love you or that she isn’t an excellent and faithful girlfriend to you, for she may very well be both of those things and more.

However, I’ve seen a lot of relationships — and I’ve been in some myself — where the people involved are in love with each other, but they are fundamentally opposed to inherent aspects of the other person’s personality. “God,” they say, “this person is so close to perfect — if only they could get rid of their insane jealousy.” Well, the jealousy doesn’t magically go away, and neither (I would guess) will your girlfriend’s selfish habit of cutting corners. But if you care about her, you should definitely communicate your feelings on the subject. I mean, seriously: it’s just dog shit. I pick up big pieces of it every night on empty streets. Why? Because I’d be an asshole not to.

Anyway, as you have this discussion with her, keep in mind two things: (1) it doesn’t matter that it’s a small thing to her; it matters that it’s a big thing to you. And (2), operating under the assumption that the optimal end state for a relationship is marriage and a family, is this woman going to instill the same values in your children that you want instilled in them?

Funny how little pieces of shit can make for heavy subject matter.