Tonight we’re treated to a game of Cutlerf*cker vs. Matty Ice. I’m told other people will be playing as well. Good people. People like Tony Gonzalez. This is your open thread for tonight’s festivities, so stick around and enjoy the games. Continue after the jump for the final word on the rest of Sunday’s games.
Minnesota 33 – 31 Baltimore
The Vikings went up early, and the Ravens hung around all afternoon. Baltimore battled back against a Vikings defense playing without Antoine Winfield, only to lose on a missed field goal by Steve Hauschka. Brett Favre was too nervous to watch, so he relied on Tavaris Jackson to tell him what happened. Which was pretty ridiculous when you consider the crowd’s immediate reaction, but hey, it was the most responsibility Jackson has had all year.
Kansas City 14 – 6 Washington
Motherfucker. The Redskins embarrassed themselves by losing another game to a winless team. Jason Campbell was benched after another wildly ineffective first half, yet Jim Zorn is still allowed to call plays. Telephone lines all over the DC area will soon be jammed by sports talk radio listeners calling in to bitch about Zorn and point out that Todd Collins completed a 40+ yard pass to Santana Moss on his first play. It might be time to join Redskins Anonymous.
Peter King just got off the phone with Vinny Cerrato, unfortunately neither of them were sufficiently distracted by the conversation to stumble out in front of an oncoming bus. King reports that Zorn still has his job, for another week at least, however they are going to ask him (nicely I presume) to give up the play calling duties. Hopefully Sherm Lewis calls plays as well as he calls a game of Bingo.
New Orleans 48 – 27 New York Giants
Maybe now everybody can cool it on the Manning vs. Manning Super Bowl talk. The Saints jumped out early and the Giants could never get back into the game. Drew Brees threw another four touchdowns while the Giants had to make due without Kareem McKenzie for much of the game. The right tackle was carted off with a groin injury in the second quarter.
Carolina 28 – 21 Tampa Bay
Dante Wesley is a dirty cock.
Smith has a concussion, and Wesley can probably expect a call from the league office.
Pittsburgh 27 – 14 Cleveland
Hines Ward smiled his way to 159 yards and a touchdown. BEN managed to throw for 417 yards while being propped up by Pittsburgh’s vaunted defense and running game.
Houston 28 – 17 Cincinnati
And that’s what happens when you start giving the Bengals the benefit of the doubt. Matt Schaub went for 392 and four touchdowns. The Bengals also lost Antwan Odom for the year to an Achilles injury following a pretty nasty chop block.
Jacksonville 23 – 20 St. Louis (OT)
The Rams quest for perfection remains intact.
Green Bay 26 – 0 Detroit
Pretty much what you’d expect, plus an appearance by Drew Stanton following a Daunte Culpepper injury. Things don’t look to be getting much better for the Detroit quarterback situation anytime soon.
Oakland 13 – 9 Philadelphia
Despite going up against one of the worst rush defenses in recent memory the Eagles never really bothered establishing the run. Westbrook and McCoy combined for 63 yards on 11 carries. Westbrook did catch nine passes, but it wasn’t enough to beat the fucking Raiders.
Arizona 27 – 3 Seattle
Seattle’s offense fell totally flat and they lost star linebacker Lofa Tatupu for the season to a shoulder injury.
New England 59 – 0 Tennessee
Holy shit, they finally let Vince Young get on the field for a few plays (0-2, 2 rushes for -1 yard). But Kerry Collins was just about to get things headed in the right direction (2-12, -7 yards, 1 interception)! Tom Brady threw six touchdown passes, including five in a quasi-Doug Williams-ish second quarter.
Buffalo 16 – 13 New York Jets
Jesus, how did the Jets possibly lose this game? Oh I know, they let Matt Sanchez throw the ball for some reason. The Jets rushed for 318 MOTHERFUCKING YARDS (210 for Thomas Jones), yet they allowed Sanchez to attempt an unconscionable 29 passes (he completed 10 and threw another five for interceptions). New York could have won with a field goal in overtime, but they were unable to get the snap down in time, and the Bills took possession. They kicked their own field goal a few minutes later to secure an improbable win. Ryan Fitzpatrick played most of the game (poorly) after Trent Edwards was knocked out early in the game.
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news and humor before everyone else.