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I have a smoke alarm in my home to prevent my family from burning to death in the middle of the night. I also have a carbon monoxide alarm, lest someone in the house pull a Vitas Gerulaitis. I have yet to have an unreasonable amount of smoke or carbon monoxide set these alarms off. But they go the fuck off anyway, usually when the battery is run down and needs to be replaced. And this always, ALWAYS fucking happens in the middle of the night. The fucking thing will go off at 3AM, and I don’t know what the fuck it is, and then I’ll wake up trying to figure out what the fuck is going on, then the alarm will buzz again, then I REALLY won’t know where the fuck the sound is coming from, and by then I’ll be wide awake and mega pissed, until I finally track down the source of the noise and am then unable to go to sleep again for the rest of the night. Happened last night. These things are the fucking tell-tale hearts of emergency signaling equipment.

You listen to me, smoke detector manufacturers of the world: I FUCKING HATE YOUR FUCKING GUTS. I hope you all die in fires your shitty products failed to detect. It’s 2009. Find a fucking way to build a fucking alarm that doesn’t run on a 9-volt battery, that only beeps when there is a real big fucking fire, and that doesn’t emit a high-pitched squeal that ruptures my fucking inner ear at o’dark thirty. YOU FUCKING DICKSMACKS. I fucking hate you. I FUCKING HATE YOU. I WILL SMASH THESE FUCKING ALARMS WITH A GODDAMN RUBBER MALLET.

You know what? I hope there is a fire. I hope my home burns the fuck down, so that I can finally get some use of your piece of shit products. I bet the thing doesn’t even successfully detect a REAL fire. I bet it only goes off when you’ve left a fucking Pop Tart in the toaster for too long. I bet you specifically engineered these things to cause me nothing but pain and suffering and BLIND, DEATHLY ANGER. DIE. DIE FOREVER IN A WHITE HOT BALL OF SEARING FLAME.

Anyway, the Meast! Lots of great candidates out there this week. Darren Sharper. Carson Palmer. Dallas Clark for that kickass TD grab. The Jets’ o-line. But your Meast this week is CEDRIC BENSON!

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What a weekend for pothead Texas running backs. Benson crushes his old team, and Ricky takes it to the house three times. Well done, you flaky little shits!

As for your Least, again, no shortage of candidates. Delhomme. Jeff Reed. Delhomme. Dan Snyder. Delhomme. Frankly, Delhomme is an honorary co-least every week. He’s like the RSTLNE they give you in the Wheel of Fortune bonus round. He’s a throw-in. We’re going with Matt Cassel. Ninety yards against a pretty lousy Chargers defense. Can we say he blows now? He does! HE BLOWS!