Sean Taylor Memorial Meast of the Week – Week 7
I have a smoke alarm in my home to prevent my family from burning to death in the middle of the night. I also have a carbon monoxide alarm, lest someone in the house pull a Vitas Gerulaitis. I have yet to have an unreasonable amount of smoke or carbon monoxide set these alarms off. But they go the fuck off anyway, usually when the battery is run down and needs to be replaced. And this always, ALWAYS fucking happens in the middle of the night. The fucking thing will go off at 3AM, and I don’t know what the fuck it is, and then I’ll wake up trying to figure out what the fuck is going on, then the alarm will buzz again, then I REALLY won’t know where the fuck the sound is coming from, and by then I’ll be wide awake and mega pissed, until I finally track down the source of the noise and am then unable to go to sleep again for the rest of the night. Happened last night. These things are the fucking tell-tale hearts of emergency signaling equipment.
You listen to me, smoke detector manufacturers of the world: I FUCKING HATE YOUR FUCKING GUTS. I hope you all die in fires your shitty products failed to detect. It’s 2009. Find a fucking way to build a fucking alarm that doesn’t run on a 9-volt battery, that only beeps when there is a real big fucking fire, and that doesn’t emit a high-pitched squeal that ruptures my fucking inner ear at o’dark thirty. YOU FUCKING DICKSMACKS. I fucking hate you. I FUCKING HATE YOU. I WILL SMASH THESE FUCKING ALARMS WITH A GODDAMN RUBBER MALLET.
You know what? I hope there is a fire. I hope my home burns the fuck down, so that I can finally get some use of your piece of shit products. I bet the thing doesn’t even successfully detect a REAL fire. I bet it only goes off when you’ve left a fucking Pop Tart in the toaster for too long. I bet you specifically engineered these things to cause me nothing but pain and suffering and BLIND, DEATHLY ANGER. DIE. DIE FOREVER IN A WHITE HOT BALL OF SEARING FLAME.
Anyway, the Meast! Lots of great candidates out there this week. Darren Sharper. Carson Palmer. Dallas Clark for that kickass TD grab. The Jets’ o-line. But your Meast this week is CEDRIC BENSON!
What a weekend for pothead Texas running backs. Benson crushes his old team, and Ricky takes it to the house three times. Well done, you flaky little shits!
As for your Least, again, no shortage of candidates. Delhomme. Jeff Reed. Delhomme. Dan Snyder. Delhomme. Frankly, Delhomme is an honorary co-least every week. He’s like the RSTLNE they give you in the Wheel of Fortune bonus round. He’s a throw-in. We’re going with Matt Cassel. Ninety yards against a pretty lousy Chargers defense. Can we say he blows now? He does! HE BLOWS!
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, haterade, mmmm sun chips, Sean Taylor Memorial Meast of the Week
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October 28th, 2009 at 11:54 am
damn that girl in the white two piece looks SMOKIN’ HOT!
October 28th, 2009 at 11:54 am
Where da white women at? On a boat with Cedric Benson.
October 28th, 2009 at 11:55 am
Is he eating a hotdog without the bun?
October 28th, 2009 at 11:55 am
Hell, Jake the Stake could teach Thai hookers how to suck. How he’s not starting for the Raiders I’ll never guess. It’s time to name the Least after him.
//fuck him for not being able to get Steve Smith the damn ball
October 28th, 2009 at 11:57 am
Funny how a lack of Randy Moss and WELKAHHHHH makes you look awful, hrm?
October 28th, 2009 at 11:58 am
Jared Allen merits Least consideration. Can’t even get a sack on Max Starks? That’s sad.
October 28th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
Due to the worst drought in 50 years, that cove is now bone dry. WHERE ARE WE GOING TO PARTY NOW, GOD?!
October 28th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
Peyton should have been the Meast
October 28th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
I had that problem with a smoke alarm last year, fucker went off a month after I replaced the battery (of course in the middle of the night on both occasions). After formally introducing said smoke alarm to my claw hammer, I found it was well worth the extra 5 bucks to get one with a guaranteed 5 year battery.
October 28th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
Drew – not that you give a shit – but the company that installed my home alarm system was able to wire the fire alarm to the main power source of the home alarm system.
Essentially – I never have to replace a battery, it’s always running and only beeps repeatedly when the power goes out (which I find is quite useful in preventing sleeping through alarms).
October 28th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
I was kind of hoping the Jeff Reed TD saving tackle attempt would be mentioned as a least. Maybe if he would have used his super drunk douchebag power on Percy Harvin,,, who knows?
October 28th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
I’m going to take this wildly small sample size of Cassel performances from KC and NE, and jump to the conclusion that Tom Brady is an overrated system QB who would be lost without his cheating cast of cohorts.
October 28th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
WHAT? WHO? FUCK YOU! OH…CASSEL. COOL.
October 28th, 2009 at 12:15 pm
only beeps repeatedly when the power goes out
But that’s even worse. Any time the power goes out in the middle of the night, you’re up.
October 28th, 2009 at 12:15 pm
BDD, i feel your pain…one of the smoke detectors in my house decided it was time for the battery to die last night….so once ever 8 seconds starting at 3 fucking AM, that fucker beeped….it invaded my dream, fucked with me there until it was able to wake me up, only to fuck with me more as I stumbled around the house trying to find it.
October 28th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
I can understand why Cedric Benson brought some buddies, the Sun Chips, and a boat full of white women, but why’d he invite Whoopi Goldberg?
October 28th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
I know that my vote doesn’t count for shit, but I’m throwing it out there anyway ……. I vote for Zach Bowman (CB, Chicago Bears) as least of the week ………. every week until he is demoted/released. I saw a graphic that showed …..
OPP QB CMP% vs Charles Tillman – 47%
OPP QB CMP% vs Zach Bowman – 74%
And this was before the Cincinnati game, where Palmer completed 150% of his passes.
October 28th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
*gasp* *horror* *shock*
You didn’t pick the player I wanted to be picked for the Meast of the Week! Wah Wah!
/kidding.
October 28th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
Just put a bag of microwave popcorn under your door. If you smell that buttery goodness then get up and grab the wife and kids.
October 28th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
Sun Chips are soooo fucking good.
October 28th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
@Morty
Dude, that’s his mom.
October 28th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
I have 4 smoke detectors in a 2 bedroom apartment that go off when I make toast, mine are all tied in together though so when one goes off all go off and mine don’t buzz they make an ear piercing screech. In summation, fuckie you smoke detector maker douchemonkey.
October 28th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
Tom Brady should have been Meast.
October 28th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
@fatty mcgee
Dude, you’re retarded
October 28th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
Fuck, meant to write in…Sidney Rice is a stud. Thanks to Jameson, multiethnic temptresses and karaoke I didn’t catch the first part of the game but my god did that man do some amazing shit down the stretch. All the same, CB Green Bud (what’s that wordl for clever, yet not fitting again…) certainly has better google image results it seems.
October 28th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
Any time I wake up in the middle of the night, it’s a ten minute pornfest before the snorefest. Biology is a wonderful thing.
October 28th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
Gaynkees win in 6.
October 28th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
I don’t know if you live in a two-story home, but in the event of a real fire, climbing down a rope ladder would kill your fat ass anyways. As a husky person, I’m sure you remember the rope climb in junior high?
Just leave the batteries out next time it goes bad.
October 28th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
As a firefighter, I can tell you that you are absolutely right. Those fucking things only run out of batteries in the middle of the night. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve been to someone’s house at 3am due to a low battery. Not that I mind, it’s my job, and you should call the FD if you have the smallest doubt as to why it’s going out, especially with carbon monoxide. My point is that those fucking things are definitely made to only go off at 3am when the battery is low.
October 28th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
I don’t understand how Peyton is not the meast. It just boggles the mind. I used to read ksk all the time, but now I can see why I left. Remember before leitch left and ksk was good?
October 28th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
drew – my CO alarm has been going off for 2 weeks now. i don’t know what kind of evil genii work at First Alert, but there appears to be no way (other than completely dismantling the alarm or smashing it to pieces) to change the battery. i can’t even pry it from the wall. what kind of black magic is at work here?
the saddest part is that i’ve now grown used to the noise and its integral part in my day-to-day life.
October 28th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
oh, and before someone says “maybe you have a CO leak,” let it be known that there’s a helpful little blinking “battery” light to go along with the beeping. you know, just to ensure that i shoot myself in the fucking face one of these days.
October 28th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
Good for Whoopi Goldberg, getting out on the water.
Also regarding Miss fantastic-white-bikini, is it just the resolution of the picture or do I see camel toe?
October 28th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
As somebody who has had their house burn down, I can attest that the smoke detectors make up for all their mistakes in that one moment where you actually need them.
And yes, its 2009, and after your house burns down, they hardwire them into the system, no more beeping!
October 28th, 2009 at 1:09 pm
I had a hard-wired smoke detector in an apartment. Thing developed a short and there was no way to turn it off. I played smoke-detector pinata using a broom. In the process of destroying it, I dislocated my shoulder.
/Still pops out on occasion
//Tell everybody is an old “sports” injury
October 28th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
Cassel blows to the tune of about 16.25 Million this year, and 23 million next year. Overpaid to overthrow. Excellent selection for Least, sirs.
October 28th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
@ Mortimer
Dang, you’ve got your eye out for Whoopi, I guess.
October 28th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
I think if your listing Cassel as the least, we need to mention the O line that lets him get on his back every second he isnt completing a pass….I have seen 4th graders protect better than them.
October 28th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
*isn’t not completeing?
/fuck it..we all know he doesn’t complete anything, didn’t need clarification
October 28th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew say you should have just ignored the alarm beeping.
October 28th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
Smoke detectors going off in the middle of the night? Maybe there’s some paranormal activity in your house. It is also 10 degrees cooler directly under the detector? Do you feel chills on the back of your neck rolls?
/conspiracy’d
//watches too much Ghost Chasers on SciHD
October 28th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
Only here (and maybe on Fark) would you get a Vitas Gerulaitis reference.
October 28th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
I’m just really glad “This Week in Fuck You” is back.
Is it?
October 28th, 2009 at 1:34 pm
I left for 10 days with the cats in the laundry room and returned to find the CO detector beeping satanically. I’m expecting the cold claws of death any night now for what I did to them.
October 28th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
Did anybody else notice how GOD AWFUL cincys TE was vs CHI? I mean I saw a few plays that he at least figured out who to block. But when he did it looked like he was an overly touchy middle aged drag queen with flailing slaps @ the opponent. I’m glad they took a shot @ Marty B
October 28th, 2009 at 1:48 pm
Ps I’m still bitter there wasn’t more coverage when Laverneous admitted his uncle raped him on Oprah….. /anal fisted
October 28th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
granted, they are ryan fitzpatrick and trent edwards, that, and the Bills are horrible, but it gives me some pleasure to know that their COMBINED salaries this year are about 1.6 mil. add and extra zero and you get Cassel’s 16 mil.
October 28th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
Ced is just respecting the sun… chips.
October 28th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
No BRITTFAR for Least? I thought you hated the guy, Drew? And with good reason, considering how leasty he was this week.
October 28th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
Delhomme drops back to receive Least of the Week… INTERCEPTED! He’s at the 30! The 20! The 10! LEAST! Matt Cassell is your Least of the Week!
Dawwwww, horsefeathers!
October 28th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
I don’t know about you guys, but that was the first Vitus Gerulaitis reference of the day for me.
October 28th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
The last time I had to change a battery in a smoke detector, I couldn’t figure out how to get it open, and didn’t feel like buying a 9V battery. Instead, I tore it off the wall and went Office Space on it. Of course, I moved out of that place about 3 months later.
I, too, had my smoke detector wake me last night, needing a new battery. I’d perform the same ritual with a shotgun if I didn’t think I’d be living at this place for the next few years. I’ll get hefty inspection fines if they find out I went Jeff Reed on an important piece of their building.
October 28th, 2009 at 3:06 pm
Hmm.. Cedric is on a boat with women, and yet he chooses to nibble on Sunchips, when he could eat anything else. Golly Chicago must’ve done something to make him do that.
October 28th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
My fucking smoke detector goes off screaming from the shower mist… since it was idiotically placed right outside the bathroom door. I have to either leave my shower window open to frigid temperatures/bugs or leave the bathroom closed after the shower and watch the black mold invade. Fucking pieces of shit. DIE IN A… oh wait.
October 28th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
Cedric Benson is on a boat, motherfucker. Take a good hard look at the motherfucking boat.
October 28th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
I will one-up your shitty smoke detector with the one upstairs in my parents house. If yoy forget to turn the fan on when you take a shower, the goddamn thing goes off. Over what? HOT FUCKING STEAM?!
What a useless piece of shit.
October 28th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
how do unpaid college athletes afford this type of lake/river accomodations?? GASP! The NCAA sure doesn’t allow these student athletes to find a way to eke out a living!
October 28th, 2009 at 4:46 pm
Ah, in 2009, my smoke detector talks. Turn on the oven without opening a window, you’ll hear a very calm female voice that can be heard up and down the entire block say “fire, fire” pause “fire, fire.” I half expect to hear Nitzer Ebb after each “fire, fire.” At 3am, I’ve had the distinct pleasure of hearing “battery low” over and over again until I changed the battery. All the above also sends my German Shepard into Cujo barking mode. I can only imagine how much fun that was with kids.
October 28th, 2009 at 9:56 pm
Black Guys + No Life Jackets = Trouble
October 28th, 2009 at 9:59 pm
Matt Cassel=Scott Mitchell v2, minus the playoff appearances of course, but that was Sanders’ doing anyway.
For the people calling for Peyton to be Meast this week…shut the fuck up! I’m a Colts fan, but christ we only played the Rams, Curtis Painter could have kicked their ass. Benson definitely deserves it, especially for doing it against the Bears…and even better by staying in late in the game as his own personal “fuck you” to the Bears.
October 29th, 2009 at 1:04 am
I FUCKED A MERMAID!!!
/hes on a boat motherfucker
October 29th, 2009 at 1:37 am
A few months ago I was at my friend’s apartment. We were frying on mushrooms, he was watching Apocalypse Now and I was curled up inside a sleeping bag listening to “Eye Flies” by the Melvins on repeat for probably a solid hour up to that point, off in my own little world.
All of a sudden, the fire detector starts going off at around 3AM for no reason. This thing is a shrieking banshee. You could hear it from blocks away. Other people in the building are waking up and angrily congregating in the hallway. The fire department was automatically notified, and would have come directly to the apartment complex if they hadn’t called the security guy who rigs everything in the building, who correctly told them it was probably just a malfunction. The poor guy had to get up in the middle of the night and drive from the next town over to turn it off.
The moral of the story: Fire detectors are sentient beings. They know when you are vulnerable. They are to be feared and respected. This unnerves me. Its death rattle is guaranteed to leave you sleepless or give you a bad trip. I’ve disabled the one in my own home because it also started going off at random due to low batteries. I refuse to feed it more batteries. If I’m too stupid to wake up when I become set on fire, I probably deserve to die.
October 29th, 2009 at 9:32 am
Each dorm at my college has a centralized security/ monitoring system which controls building access, fire alarms, and power distribution. I had the great misfortune of having the damned control center for the thing right outside my door. Now, this system is state-of-the-art, brand new, and very fancy, but the assholes at my school decided to save some cash by wiring it right in to the existing grid of a 40-year-old building with 20-year-old smoke detectors.
It being a college dorm, there were plenty of people who liked to smoke in their rooms. This was against the rules, and set off the smoke detectors. In addition to setting off an alarm in their room and the monitoring center across campus, it also caused the control panel right next to my door to go absolutely bananas. This would have been fine, except due to the faulty wiring in the place, once the alarm went off it took about 3 hours and 5 MIT-trained electrical engineers to get it to SHUT THE FUCK OFF.
Every thunderstorm, every slight power pulse, and every jackass pothead too lazy to walk outside to get high meant that I was not getting any sleep for the next 6 hours.
October 29th, 2009 at 10:06 am
Fire alarms are awesome when you have a), two babies sleeping peacefully, and b) a very sensitive pitbull sleeping at the foot of your bed. First thing that happens, the dog hears it BEFORE you do, and starts trying to go ALL PITBULL on the alarm (WHICH HE CANT GET TO! SO HE STARTS JUMPING AND TRYING To CLIMB THE GODDAMN WALLS). Second thing that happens, almost simultaneously by the way, is the babies start screaming like, well, babies. It’s 1145PM. WHAT DO YOU DO HOTSHOT??
Do what I did. Get chair. Climb on top of said chair. Punch the alarm until it starts raining plastic. Give the dog a rawhide bone. Put the babies in your bed (where they pass out within, oh, an hour or two) and hope you dont crush them while you sleep. And curse….lots and lots of cursing.
October 29th, 2009 at 10:19 am
I dig that headband Benson is wearing.
October 31st, 2009 at 2:44 am
Dammit Ced! Kanye said “gonna find him a white girl.” Singular, as in one. Acting like Jim Kelly up in here.