As you know, the Patriots gang-raped Tennessee 59-0 on Sunday. Tom Brady threw for six touchdowns that day, which naturally led us to wonder if he should be named Meast of the Week. I mean, damn. Six touchdowns. AND HE DID IT IN OW-UH FACKIN’ THROWBACKS, THE CLASSIEST THROWBACKS IN THE FACKIN’ WARLD! Practically mandates he be named King Measty.
And we were prepared to do that, until we got the following email. This comes to us from a Daniel Steele, almost certainly from parts Massachusettsian. The subject line was “Mest of the week”. We also would have accepted Bort of the Week. If Daniel didn’t attend Holy Cross, I don’t know which way is up. All spelling and grammatical errors here are, of course, SIC:
Dear faggets-
I would like to nominate Tom Brady for Meast of the Week. i know you cumsuckers are anti New england fans and probably will just delete my email…
Or post it for all to ridicule. You should really play out these scenarios in advance, Daniel.
…but the numbers he put up on sUnday werre AMAZINNNG!!!! And not just for one game, but should win the award for the first half alone. He did more in 1 half then most qb’s do in 3 weeks:
Just look at the records:
59 Most points in a game
NOTE: Not an actual NFL record.
45 Most points in a half (fi rst half)
35 Most points in a quarter (second quarter)
Again, not a record.
619 Most total net yards in a game
426 Most passing net yards in a game (tie)
No. Not a record. He must be talking about Patriot team records, in which case I REALLY don’t give a shit.
8 Most touchdowns in a game (tie)
Again, not a record, not even a tie for a record.
345 Most passing yards in a half (Tom Brady)
5 Most passing touchdowns in a half (Brady)
6 Most passing touchdowns in a game (Brady, tie)
Again, not a record.
5 Most touchdown passes in a quarter (Brady)
45 Largest halftime lead (45-0)
Other milestones for the Patriots:
59-0 Ties the largest shutout victory by an NFL team
…and the largest margin of victory since the 1970 AFL-NFL merger. The LA Rams defeated Atlanta 59-0 on Dec. 4, 1976.
Everyone talks about how the yankees (they suck!)
Get out. They suck? Lemme just amend their 10-1 victory from last night then. If I scratch out the one there… 0-1. There. ANGELS WIN. SUCKINESS CONFIRMED.
have ahigh powered offence in baseball, well the Patriots are the REAL DEAL in football. And we will be the best agin this year irregardless of what you queer bloggers think!
Go Pats, Tom Brady should win your stupid award this week!!
Well Daniel, NO. NO. Tom Brady isn’t winning our pointless award this week, or ever. NEVER, THANKS TO THIS EMAIL. Even if he manages to break ACTUAL records, we still won’t give him the award. Even if the Patriots beat every team 59-0 for the rest of the fucking year, and Tom Brady somehow manages to invent the flying hoverboard, we STILL won’t give it to him. Why don’t you go the fuck home, throw on a beanie, read Barstool
Sports, and shove your Parliaments up your ass, Packy Boy. Your Meast of the Week is Eddie fucking Royal.
Two return TDs against the Chargers. Say, what do you know? That ties a REAL NFL RECORD! Good job, Eddie! You’re totally the best! No one comes close to matching your meastiness this week! I could NOT think of a better, more deserving candidate. We should give it to you every week.
Oh, and your Least of the Week is the entire Titans roster. Of course you won 59-0, Patriots fans. The Titans couldn’t be worse if you gunned them all down in their sleep. YOUR VICTORY CLEARLY SHOULDN’T EVEN COUNT. IT WAS THE RESULT OF SHEER LUCK OF FACING A LIFELESS OPPONENT. I AM CASUALLY DISMISSING YOUR TRIUMPH AS BOSTON FANS WOULD THE CHAMPIONSHIP OF A TEAM THAT IS NOT YOUR OWN.
Suck on that, Daniel.
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/global/images/default-avatar.jpg){kind=avatar}
![[image]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/02/lightbench-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2012/02/Newt-Gingrich-Releases-2010-Tax-Return1-150x150.jpg)
@Chazz_Goodtimes — Charlestown??? I used to live there… before the Pats rise to whatever. When the fans were as quiet as the rustling leaves changing color… and falling as quickly as a URI girl’s panties. Fair times… Definitely lukewarm times…
Wow. What an asshat. I’m pretty embarrassed to read his crap e-mail as I’m a Bostonian. For the record, we’re not all illiterate assholes up here in New England. Unfortunately people like that haven’t been taken out of the gene pool yet. I agree with KSK to never give the award to TB ever just to piss this guy off. Maybe he’ll jump off the Tobin with the pink hat fans and the rest of his inbred kind.
Moving on…Meast of the Week most certainly should have gone to Royal. TB was a contender but 2 returns for TD’s is rather impressive as well. As a new reader to KSK, this was an awesome column with a hilarious comment feed.
I think for a team building exercise, Jeff Fisher should make the Titans dig up the graves of Steve McNair, Bruce Matthews, and Earl Campbell, reanimate them, and insert them into the starting line up. Oh, sorry—they only need to dig up McNair, but they’ll have to reanimate all three.
That’s gotta be a fake
@ Jim
“OH COME ON! Why do you let a stupid fuck like that speak for the rest of New England!
I’m sure you get a bunch of stupid emails from dumb fucks in other parts of the country, stop posting the worst of our fan base and making us look like a bunch of cunts.”
Dude–I’ve been to Foxborough (Da fackin’ Ray-zuh!) and your fan base does a perfectly fine job on its own of projecting the “bunch of cunts” image.
My favorite defense my fellow New Englanders use is how educated we are just because of all the colleges/universites in the area. Like somehow, Sully the shitbag OC dealer who sucker punches dudes in Fanueil Hall for thinking about looking at his girl magically absorbed graduate level philosophy classes on the way to his bullshit union job his hack uncle got for him.
As a person from parts Massachusettsian, I have to be a little upset, but that was hillarious. Sad that Tawmy Brady will never win any measty awards, but keep posting emails from people like that. It’s great to see just how uneducated our “educated” are.
Oh my God, my Buccaneers are going to get destroyed this week. We shall reclaim the alldefeated season as our own! YES WE CAN! YES WE CAN!
I put in a 12-hour day at work and, thanks to this post, have just forgotten every single thing that stressed me out today. Well done.
To be fair, it hasn’t been a total success for New England this decade. John Kerry lost his bid for president and a black guy won…
/hearts stereotypes
“Dan” is a fraud, a ruse, the clever concoction of a few shitstains on here who like to disparage everything New England.
However, the original email was hilarious in that you’re not that far off. The ridiculous and obvious overuse of spelling and grammar mistakes gives you away. We may be douchebags, but we are edumacated douchebags.
In fairness, Boston (and New England if we must) hasn’t had an entire decade where they have been relevant since the 1770′s. We should have expected this wee bit of success to go to their heads and ratchet up their normal uptight douchebaggery to its current exaggerated level.
Oh good god, this post brings teh lulz. So much fail, but so much win all at once. I’m in school for a degree in mass media so the whole “INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY ON TEH INTERNETS!!1!one” thing is cracking me the fuck up.
/almost moved to New Hampshire when I was 6… thank god my Dad didn’t force me to do that
//nobody likes a hot girl with a shitty NE accent
///GIMMIE SOME LOBSTAHHH WHILE I PAAAHK THE HONDER CAHH IN THE GARRIGE
@ John: Stop being a bunch of cunts.
Hey yourteam, if a person cannot learn to laugh at his own retarded fanbase (and let’s face it, most NFL fans are disgusting fatbodies) then he cannot enjoy life. Hell I’m a Steelers fan and I submitted part of The Steelers “why your team sucks” on Deadspin. Come on, were all just people watching millionaires catch a ball. We need to laugh lest we accidentally take stock of our lives and begin the furious crying/masturbating.
For any fan of New England sports teams offended by this site please go visit ESPN…between their main site, ESPNBoston, Simmons, Gammons, etc. you should be in paradise because they’ll stroke the living fuck out of your teams until even you will want to puke(hopefully anyway).
This has been a public service announcement for Save The Massholes.
New Hampshire. Don’t know anyone that douchey, glad I also don’t have to listen to EEI anymore.
@Vince: Hating people from Massachusetts will never go out of style. It’s practically a religion in the rest of New England.
I love that you fact-checked all the BS in that e-mail. I’d have loved it even more if you’d even acknowledged that you considered Drew Brees for MOW. He pwned the Giants D this weekend to the point that whenever his arm went back you knew magic was going to happen and an angel was going to get its wings. Anyway, awesome blog – y’all rule!
@jaysonaych
Wild guess, you root for an awful team?
I agree that Douchebaggery and Success are complimentary. Too bad with Massholes, Douchebaggery is complimentary with Failure, too. I don’t have time to do all the proofs – just trust me. It’s like a Side-Angle-Side theorem or some sh!t like that.
This is the greatest thing I’ve seen in a long time.
Dan Steele is probably just supermike or one of those other Massholes who couldn’t stay away from the comment threads in ’07.
The use (and correct spelling) of irregardless confirmed for me that Daniel’s letter was fake. Perhaps declaring Tom Brady perpetually ineligible for the Meast is exactly what that genius bastard wanted.
@IrishCream – I have no problem with people making fun of the Patriots or the douchfans, I just hate when people assume I’m functionally retarded because I have a Flying Elvis on my hat/shirt.
@synapticmisfires – Everybody understands where Harvard is. This observation is not new, or witty, or interesting. Can we please stop mentioning it? News Flash: People can be proud of things from their region, even if their from an adjacent city! People are fans of teams even though they don’t live in the city the games are played! OMG! Can you believe it?!
But yeah, I grew up in a football-first family in Mass, and we were unfortunately in the minority. Oh well.
@miamidiesel a valid point. amazement amended.
This pathetic emailer is not an example of Patriots fans. Please don’t take it as one. There are plenty genuine ones like me out there! Brady hardly deserves to be Meast, he played against the worst secondary in about 50 or so years.
Daniel forgot about how Tom Brady owns the record for dickish lack of sportsmanship, and was trying to top that too. After halftime of Sunday’s game was over, the heroes of New England were still throwing for touchdowns, trying to completely humiliate an already pathetic winless team that was down 45-0 and was in no danger of even getting a field goal let alone coming back to win. Any other team in the league would be almost as embarrassed to win a game like that as the team that lost it. But it takes a special group of manly men to keep curb stomping the skull after it’s already been crushed into paste, and to crow about how fucking awesome they were. Running up stats like that against a team that was more helpless than a box of newborn kittens is not at all a thing to be proud of.
And those who are that prideful in a situation like that are completely unprepared for facing a real opponent that won’t roll over for them when it counts the most. Which results in situations like 18-1.
I gotta agree with the above posters who put Brees in over Brady. Number 1 defense versus number 27. Not even the same league, except that Brees is in New Orleans and Brady’s in a city that has its own ESPN site.
Hey Danielle Steele, I know you’ve taken a lot of shit about your overrated team that has gone 18*-1 in 2007 and missed the playoffs altogether in 2008, but you don’t have to go and get yourself arrested over it. Just explain that “you ahhh nawt tha dahkie Packie they-ah ahhh lookin fahhh” and they’ll let you go.
This is the best Wednesday ever. It should be renamed “Punch a Patriot Fan” Wednesday.
We have a great schedule coming up the next couple of weeeks and every one will c how GREAT our team is.
Yeah. Sure hope the Patriots can beat Tampa Bay and Miami. Might just eek out a win.
Patriots fans: You are not helping yourselves out by whining about the hatred for your team. The Steelers get just as much grief on here the Patriots. These guys are equal opportunity insulters. You guys are just the biggest pussies about it.
Also, fuck me…
“I thought it was fit” should be “I thought it fit”.
/proves point about education system
@Ben Coates,
are you implying that there are race problems in Boston? Well today has been quite the eye-opener.
@yourteam
I thought it was fit fairly well.
@Bandito
You joke, but it really is terrible. I escaped from it when I went to a private high school, but our middle school history books still had the USSR on the maps.
@El Bandito Blancito
Don’t blame the teachers, if Boston Public taught us anything, it’s that they have a shitload of other things to deal with besides education.
I can’t stand Boston fans and their “Why can’t you be happy/sad for us?” mentality. I’m a Yankees fan so I KNOW most people out there hate my team. I also know why they do, but who gives a fuck? When people talk shit about Yankees or Jets fans I don’t take it personally. So people still make fun of Boston fans…WAH! Drop a set of balls.
@porky1
I’d put them third behind Sox and Celts (they were second until the Celtics won the title). Hockey fans in Boston tend to focus on college since the B’s haven’t been successful as of late. If they string anything together I’m sure that will change though (and there’s a good shot given recent performance).
@NathanHale
Totally agree, Boston has been an epicenter of douche given the three-sport success of late. In the mid-90s it was Cowboys and, a little later, Yankees. Steelers fans have gotten exponentially worse since the second title with Ben. Comes with the success. It a combination of hubris and the bandwagon impact. Sadly the only way to get rid of it is to lose a lot and honestly, I’ll put up with swimming a sea of shitty fans if it means my teams keep playing well. Sacrifices.
We now know that the real Least of the Week is the Massachusetts public school system.
@ Pigs
Best avatar ever! Long live PBF!
85, how could you forget ‘Skankees’?
agreeing with Constanza – best Wed morning ever. The comments alone had me crying orve hear.
and whoever pointed out cockgobblre – that slayed me. Trying to be quiet at work and about had a stroke trying to keep quiet
Just to be clear: this man deserves to be ridiculed, no one denies this.
@Mike Tomlin’s Good Time Band
Hahaha, that would make sense, but there would have been more crying involved.
@ anyone complaining about the hatred of all things Pats on this site
The amount of douchiness in a fanbase and hence the amount of scorn heaped on that fanbase is largely proportional to the amount of success that that fanbase has experienced recently. My guess is that if this blog was written in the ’90s, we’d be reading about redneck Cowboys fans. If it was written in the ’80s, we’d probably be reading about arrogant Niners fans. If it was written in the ’70s, we’d be hearing about idiotic Yinzers. If you don’t like it, don’t read it. But the truth is that there are some epic douchebags in New England that deserve to be ridiculed.
I think Johnathan Paplebon goes by that name when he checks in to visiting hotels.
@ yourteamsuck
So you’re saying Daniel Steele is to Glenn Beck as Samuel Clemens is to Mark Twain? Interesting theory sir.
BOSTON FANS AHH BETT-AH THAN YOU BECAUSE WE ARE-UH FROM THE SAME TOWN AS HAHVAHD. WE DON’T NEED YOU MOUTHBREATHAHS.
/fun fact: Harvard is in Cambridge, not Boston, not Quincy, not Waltham, and not Natick.
Long live Eddie Royal, and the meastiest performance of the week! All other football-related accomplishes this week are clearly inferior. In fairness to this fan, he only thinks those were records because he never watched nor cared about football before Brady started playing.
Best Wednesday morning ever? Best Wednesday morning ever.
@twoeightnine:
And we have ourselves a winner, folks. Thanks for playing, come back next week.
@Brady’sLeftKneeCap
Well, thank you for putting it all in perspective for me (not to mention coherently). Clearly you have nothing to do with the writing on this site; I’m assuming you have a real job? Maybe a girlfriend that doesn’t require AA batteries as well? Just kidding, obviously I love this site, funniest thing on the inter tubes for sure. AJ can suck a dick, while he is content ruining the once proud Deadspin, it’s good to know that KSK still values humor with balls. Big sweaty balls.
/fapfapfapfap
@yourteamsucks
Kommenter
Flame
War
KomFlaWa
Douchenugget!
/perpetuates KomFlaWa
at least some of us in New England are smart enough to know the NFL did not magically begin in 1970.
Damn straight, it was 2001.
@MBP: he doesn’t actually know what intellectual property is, but you should still be shocked that he’s heard of it.
@yourteamsucks: before you get all worked up, don’t forget that KSK does pick on other fan bases from time to time. I’ll consider giving this solace to a FACKIN BAWSTON fan my good deed for the day.
/let the record show that the Giants did in fact beat the Steelers and Cardinals’ asses last season
//crying Giants fan is still indefensible for any Giants fan
///still hopes to run into #47 down the shore one day and make romance explosion on her stomach
I call bullshit on this whole exercise. “PUSSIWES!~!!!”? come on.
@Nathan Hale: Maine, checking in in horror. Although:
@yourteam: I’m completely unsurprised. I love this site, I read it every day — more than I should — and have come to accept both that most folks hate Pats fans and that many Pats fans are obnoxious douchebags. This is also absolutely the case for other teams and I have, unfortunately, watched a Jets game at Giants stadium, cementing for all time my hatred of all things Jets (except for KSK’s Rex Ryan).
If you grow up with a team and suffer through things like Rod Rust (a very apt double entendre) then you can’t let all the insufferable dipshits ruin it for you. All the hatred is just part of the package of success. The rise of public douchebaggery emanating from the New England area and oozing across the land is also part of that package. When the success stops, the douchebaggery will recede and the hatred will flow elsewhere.
Believe me, sports fans. If Rex Ryan does actually succeed with the Jets, you will long for the days when Tommy from Quinzee was an easy (and very funny) joke and guys like Dan were a gift that kept on giving (and giving and giving and oh for the love of christ please stop).
[URL]http://img156.imageshack.us/img156/8894/kaneklapqo6.gif[/URL]
Well done sir, well done.
@christmas ape
Alright, alright, alright, I’ll stop trolling. Good point about insanity being funny. Keep up the good work.
@Oh Chet
I probably shouldn’t ask, but what’s KomFlaWa?
Spankees.
Crankees.
Wankees.
Hey Danny, next time you can’t come up with anything better than “Gaynkees,” use one of these. On the house.
I am shocked that a Patriots fan is unable to find humor in Patriots fan bashing.
And what are you talking about? Glenn Beck says way funnier* shit than we could ever hope to come up with.
*finds dangerous insanity funny
@MBP
Isn’t Spelchek a former Bruin defenseman?
@ yourteamsucks: Hey! Look at this retard starting the KomFlaWa!
Frankly, I’m just shocked that Masshole knew what INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY is. Where in God’s name could he have picked up such language? If his Parliament-smoking, Dahhkie-hating friends heard him talking that way, they’d probably call him a queeah, like those faggets who use spelchek.
@Christmas Ape
It’s probably just me then, but i just don’t see how this is funny or witty. Yes, this guy is an asshole AND a tard, great. And yes, most of the commentators hear get tiny boners whenever you mock MA, but i was just expecting more than, “hey look at this retards email”. And also, 140+ commentators from a bunch of mouth breathers is hardly saying much. Last time i checked Glenn Beck was pretty popular and pulling down some serious ratings, does this denote talent with Mr. Beck?
/fuck me
two things:
meast of the week should be the raiders for apparently telling al davis’ man coverage to go fuck itself and win.
phillies have a hi power offense. go home yankees and red sox.
@LaFavre:
Tough like day-old matzha, bay-be!
A broken arm will not stop Edelman. Jews are tough, baby.
Daniel Steel has just coined the phrase “New York Gaynkees”.
That’s almost as good as Minnesota Bi-Queens, which is the INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY of retarded Packers fans everywhere.
This is seriously getting old, i love this site and it’s humor, but this Boston area hating is just tired at this point
The 140+ comments in this thread might indicate otherwise.
Dan is actually making me question my purpose as an intellectual property attorney. Fuck you for that, Dan.
Could this be the follow up to the Ookie cease and desist I’ve been waiting years for?!?
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. I love the use of “irregardless” – honestly. Right behind “supposebly” it’s my favorite.
@ StuScottBooyahs also…isn’t an asterisk supposed to replace one of the letters in the swear you’re using? i can only assume that dan was trying to highlight the fact that he could, in fact, spell a 4-letter word correctly.
Any “Pats” fan that is ashamed of being a fan of a football team based on this retard is a pickle sniffer. Seriously, this guy deserves to be mocked for sure, but have you ever watched a jets game at Giant’s stadium? This guy clearly rides the short bus to school, so it’s a little too easy to mock this guy, but hey, he brought it on himself. And can you mouth breathers go find somewhere else to stroke each others dicks? This is seriously getting old, i love this site and it’s humor, but this Boston area hating is just tired at this point, can we move on? What does Rex Ryan think of his awful team?
/dick joke
//pats fans are “gay”
///everyone know my team is better than yours, and you rooting for your team makes you stupid!
To borrow from Dennis Miller, back when he was funny:
“You know, it’s the 8 million New England fans that ruin it for the other 11.”
This guy is awesome. And you know he’s legit. Anyone with at least a middle school education couldn’t pretend to be that retarded.
“irregardless” is like having a double negative in a word. It’s fuckin’ retarded.
this guy sounds like the Boston hobos my firm represents in their pro bono disputes over crack possession and loitering charges…you know, if you removed the dignity and added a sense of entitlement. the ranting and poor grammar really sells your case, sir!
The Massholes over at Sterling Cooper get a new account. This video never gets old:
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/6515e3744e/ma-men