jared_allen_hunting
Jared Allen has Aaron Rodgers in his crosshairs.

This week’s Meast is none other than Jared Allen of the Minnebretta Favrekings. Allen plowed through Green Bay’s Clifton-less line for 4.5 of the team’s eight sacks. He later celebrated by shooting a black bear and feasting on it’s precious sustentative gallbladder.

You can’t have a Meast without a Least, and this week’s ignominious award goes to Eli Manning’s happy feet…

Int. hospital, later that day

Doctor: So Eli, after examining your foot I’m fairly certain that what you’re suffering from is a fairly common condition called plantar fasciitis.

Eli: Planters is fascist? But I love their nuts.

Doctor: No Eli, what I’m saying is that you have something called plantar fasciitis in your foot.

Eli: Can I ask you something?

Doctor: Of course.

Eli: Is Mr. Peanut involved?

Doctor: I’m telling you this has nothing to do with Planters or their corporate mascot.

Eli: Man, I should have known. Moishe has been warning me about that Jew-hating peanut for years.

planter fascist

Doctor: You’re not understanding me. I’m trying to tell you that I believe you have a medical condition inside of your foot that’s causing you considerable pain.

Eli: Okay doc, just tell me one thing. How did Herr Peanut get into my foot?

Doctor: I’m sorry, do you have some sort of guardian I could speak with?

Eli: Mom’s coming to pick me up when the little hand gets to the 7.

Doctor: Very well, perhaps I’ll speak to her then.

Eli: Sure thing doc, but leave out the part about the Nazi peanut. I don’t want Mom getting wrapped up in anything too messy.

Doctor: She doesn’t have to know anything about it.

Eli: Good, because I think I know just the man for this job.

moishe

Doctor: What are you talking abo-

Eli: [begins humming Comin' Home]

Olivia Manning: ELISHA NELSON MANNING, I thought I told you to stop playing Inglourious Basterds! Now come with me, we’re going home.

Eli: But Moo-oom, I have to kill Mr. Peanut!