We had about seventy million readers email this week us to say, “Oy. You gotta read this douchey interview Peter King did with the Wall Street Journal. It’s very douchey.” And so I did. And indeed, douchiness abounds. Surely, King had a Heineken Light or six before answering the questions. Let’s dive in and get all snarky with it, shall we? IT’S YOUR BONUS FUN WITH PETER KING, GANG.
For the past 12 years, Mr. King has been writing “Monday Morning Quarterback” for Sports Illustrated’s Web site. What began as a repository for what didn’t make it into the magazine, now attracts two million readers a week.
SI Editor: Listen Peter, this story about discovering Men’s Health magazine at the podiatrist’s office doesn’t belong in the preview issue. Tell you what: let’s throw it on the internet so it can die a quiet death.
TWELVE YEARS LATER
SI Editor: Wait, people actually READ this shit? I’m moving to Oceania.
The column is a blend of inside-the-locker-room scoop and Mr. King’s musings on everything from training-camp traditions to coffee and his daughters’ high-school sports exploits.
“Have you met my daughters? They define handsome.”
Later this month Sports Illustrated will publish “Monday Morning Quarterback: A fully caffeinated guide to everything you need to know about the NFL,” a compilation of Mr. King’s best columns interspersed with several new features including a ranking of his top 100 players.
I truly don’t understand this book. If you’ve ever read a MMQB column, you know they have the shelf life of an Eminem song. What timeless material could they have possibly found in these archives?
“Saw The Specialist. What. A. Movie.”
He spoke with The Wall Street Journal about his career, his favorite and least-favorite interviews and Brett Favre’s impression of Billy Bob Thornton in the movie “Sling Blade,” among other topics.
OOH! OOH! NOW DO HANS AND FRANZ, BRETT!
It wasn’t for maybe three or four years that I really started to put in a good chunk of personal stuff, like high school field hockey and things like that. The reaction right away was huge. I remember I wrote about a five-overtime field hockey game my daughter played in, just the incredible, heart-stopping drama. That’s when I knew how much people cared.
And then I thought, “Jeez, I could write about even MORE pointless shit and get away with it.” Have you ever been deep sea fishing? You don’t even have to hold the pole! They have slots for you to put the poles in! By the way, have I introduced you to Tony yet? Tony DUNGY?
The Wall Street Journal: Your editor, Terry McDonell, recently devoted his letter’s editor to you. How did you feel about that?
Ready for some false humility? Of course you are.
I think Terry’s view is: I want everyone to know we have this guy, we love him, we put him out on the front lines, we hope people appreciate him as much we do. It was ridiculously humbling.
I think Terry’s view is: I’m fucking awesome, and I deserve only the finest hotel shampoo. I think that puts everything in proper perspective.
The Wall Street Journal: Is it true that you offered to give back some of your salary to save jobs at Sports Illustrated?
Mr. King: It’s something I did but I really don’t want to talk about it.
I WANTED THIS KEPT QUIET!
But I will say this:
I really don’t want to talk about it. Now, let’s talk about it!
I make a ridiculous amount of money.
Indeed you do. Quasi-insanish.
I’m not saying I’m not worth it.
I am.
But I make a stupid amount of money. Sometimes it seems a little absurd considering what’s happening in our business.
But maybe if Brett Favre appeared on Page 1 of most newspaper as I regularly command, they wouldn’t be in this position. They’d be like me, making retarded amounts of money and taking the Acela in a flight of heroic whimsy.
The Wall Street Journal: In the book, you offer up the stories behind your 20 most unforgettable articles.
“Talk to me about how you typed up your notes.”
What story did you most enjoy doing?
FAVREFAVREFAVREFAVRE
Mr. King: Probably spending a week inside the Green Bay Packers in 1995.
Literally. I was inside them. Robert Brooks has the cleanest urethra you’ll ever see. My two urologists agree.
It was also fun watching how Brett Favre lived his life.
HE DEFINES FUN. Holy shit, can anyone go a day without using the word fun to describe this asshole?
(Seriously though, nice game on Monday, Brett. Good job, asstaster.)
He’d go home and help his daughter with her homework,
NO WAY! HE’S LIKE SUPERMAN!
he’d watch the Discovery channel, the Golf channel, the History channel. He wasn’t watching Seinfeld or whatever. He just was watching stuff you’d be very surprised Favre was watching. He liked to watch a lot of war stuff.
OMFG! He watches random cable channels! I NEVER EXPECTED THAT. I expected Brett Favre to watch CMT ALL GODDAMN DAY.
The Wall Street Journal: Who’s your favorite interview?
Do you really need to ask that question?
Mr. King: I would say the most interesting people and players I’ve interviewed probably would be Favre, Peyton Manning and Bill Belichick.
Belichick watches a lot of stuff you’d be very surprised Belichick was watching. He ADORES Amelie. Makes him cry blood.
So (Belichick) basically had me go over to his house — this was before he got divorced — and he showed me all the books in his library. I remember seeing “The Art of War” by Sun Tzu. I said, “Why is that in here? What’d you learn from that?”
“Say Bill, why do you have a book 10,000 other coaches also have?”
Favre is willing to say things to you that probably the PR guy standing behind him will be rolling his eyes and will be worried about. He’s also willing to talk about other things. He’s an incredibly good mime. He can do Billy Bob Thornton from “Sling Blade” so that you would have absolutely no idea it wasn’t him.
WHOA HEY? IS THAT STILL BRETT FAVRE IN FRONT OF ME! I THOUGHT I WAS TALKING TO A SOUTHERN MENTAL PATIENT!
And you should see his Walken impersonation. “I… would ta have some cheese… but… there ain’t no cheese aROUND-uh…” SPOT ON.
The Wall Street Journal: Who’s your least favorite interview?
Mr. King: I don’t speak to T.O. anymore. I just think that life’s too short to talk to nine-year-olds too often.
AND HE NEVER RETURNS MY TEXTS!
The Wall Street Journal: Who’s the most misunderstood person in the NFL?
Mr. King: I would say a fairly misunderstood guy is Bill Parcells, because Parcells has very little desire to help us do our jobs. He’s not in this to really help the media.
I like him more already.
He’s in this to build a great team.
No way. I never would have guessed that from his reputation.
The media part is something he has to do. But I think especially later in his career, he has started to realize that his legacy is something he really cares about.
And if you care about your legacy, you come to US! The super media! Legacy: guarded.
The Wall Street Journal: Have you ever worried you were getting too close to anyone as a journalist?
Dude, do you even read this guy’s shit?
Mr. King: There have been a couple of times.
A day.
Sometimes you’ll be at like one of these golf tournaments, and sometimes there will be the opportunity to get a little bit closer and stay at some of these guys’ houses, things that are probably a little bit too much.
What? What the fuck?
“You know, Peter, I really like you. Why don’t you come back to my house for a nightcap?”
(goes home with King, sits on couch, stares at King wistfully)
MY GOD! MY GOD! THAT’S PAULA COLE’S MUSIC!
Those are the things, if I feel myself going a little bit too far, I feel myself pulling back.
And by “back,” he means “out”.
The Wall Street Journal: Who was the hardest person for you to have to criticize?
Mr. King: Probably Bill Belichick with Spygate. Especially after being warned about it the previous year and coming back the first game of the year against the Jets and being found to be videotaping the other sidelines, I thought it was unconscionable. I still do. But the fact that I liked Bill personally, it bothered me.
“He’s human. He’s also a galactic prick.”
(On Michael Vick) That was a brilliant move for the Eagles. And I also thought that in time, the mayhem of public criticism would settle down, which it has. It never really was there, because I think most Americans feel no matter what your crime is, if you have done your time, then you deserve to resume your career. And that’s all he’s doing. I think he is repentant. And whether he’s repentant or not, he deserves the chance.
I think he’s done killing dogs. And whether he still wants to kill dogs or not, he deserves the chance. THAT’S WHAT TONY SAID, TOO. DO YOU KNOW TONY?
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I’m dissapointed his praise of Mark Sanchez didn’t earn a .gif on this post of his WHOOPSIE in the endzone last game.
Upset face, exclamation mark.
Maybe it was because it was buried in the paragraph about Billy Bob but how did Brett being “An incredibly good mime” go undetected? Has anyone who has ever been described as an incredibly good mine been someone you wanted to meet?
Lo, friends. We have beheld the birth of the Peter (King) Principle. Who sez blind perseverance and sycophancy won’t bring their own reward?
What a delightful mid-week pleasure…it was almost like a nooner.
If he’s so fekking rich why didn’t he pay for Z’s extra treatment instead of scamming for it?
Calling him shit gives shit a bad name. I gotta tell you, it hurts.
“any one of is”
Goddamn it…any one of *us*
There could be a Book of the Month Club for Poseur Douchebags Who Don’t Really Read:
Sun Tzu, Bukowski, Chomski, Zinn, every Beat writer, Sylvia Plath (to get laid)…
Slash Says:
October 7th, 2009 at 3:30 pm
I actually read the WSJ, how the fuck did I miss this? To be fair to PK, if somebody offered me ridiculous money to shit out a column a couple times a week, there is no instrument on earth that could measure how fast I would say yes to that. So yeah, we can blame PK’s no-taste-or intelligence-having fanbase for his hefty salary. PK’s just selling out. It’s the American way.
Truth. And I don’t think any one of is can deny it for a second. I’d love to get paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to write about something and instead go off on virtually any other topic in the world that suits my fancy.
RE Gino Tourettsa Says:
October 7th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
“I’m the first to admit that I’ve kept around books that I haven’t read so people will see them and think I’m smarter than I actually am. I mean, a strategically-placed book of Ann Sexton poems (which I never read) helped me get laid in college, so I know about this, but the ‘Art of War’ gambit is the douchiest of douche moves. It ensures that you’re an egotistical, uptight asshole who reduces every subject and situation to aphorisms about war. I know because I used to keep ‘Art of War’ on my coffee table.”
I just assumed that the latest faux intellectual book was “Freakonomics” or “The Tipping Point.”* I should have known that PK’s go-to book for wisdom would be as out of date as all his other references.
* I have never read either of these so they may be OK
Do people still think having a copy of “The Art of War” is the mark of a true intellectual? Damn…
I’m the first to admit that I’ve kept around books that I haven’t read so people will see them and think I’m smarter than I actually am. I mean, a strategically-placed book of Ann Sexton poems (which I never read) helped me get laid in college, so I know about this, but the “Art of War” gambit is the douchiest of douche moves. It ensures that you’re an egotistical, uptight asshole who reduces every subject and situation to aphorisms about war. I know because I used to keep “Art of War” on my coffee table.
@rubbertrout: don’t worry, this point is apt enough that it bears repeating.
I laughed at this entire thing, but this:
Robert Brooks has the cleanest urethra you’ll ever see.
was a pure stream of comedy gold.
Next up for the Wall Street Journal: Dr. Z’s investment picks for the upcoming stock market season.
(Seriously though, nice game on Monday, Brett. Good job, asstaster.)
Conflicted much?
@ J.L. WHite
Shit.
PK being successful at SI is kind of like Jay Leno’s continued success story. It makes me cry that our society laps shit like this up when brilliance is not rewarded.
*runs to buy multiple copies of “Men with Balls”
Peter King is the Jay Leno of the internet. And yet, that comparison is unfair to Leno.
Whatever, yo, it’s only the WSJ Life/Style section. Their other top headlines today: “Let’s Cut A-Rod Some Slack” and “Shrinking Fantasy Gifts.” Not exactly Norman Mailer for Esquire at the 1960 DNC.
Also, WSJ interviews generally focus on overpaid, out-of-touch executives who run companies with outdated business models. Basically, that’s PK. He made his bones in the pre-internet dark ages. But now that information has been released to the masses, those of us who like to think for ourselves [KSK READERS-- WE DEFINE HUMILITY] don’t have to accept faulty “insider” assumptions and poorly researched and written media. But PK can’t work harder or do better because he’s too old and too rich and the business he started in has changed too much. I don’t begrudge him his salary; I know hundreds of men in their 50s who make way more money than they should and don’t produce anything of value. We need Drew and the rest of our commenters just to show that we don’t suckle on PK’s teat without at least sniffing for truth first. Deep down at places we don’t talk about at parties, PK wants us on the internet, he NEEDS us on the internet.
fin with the wall street journal
Yeah I think after this article I’m through with it too.
jackin: As soon as I read that I could feel my blood pressure skyrocket. His columns aren’t good enough to be used as toilet paper let alone be put in a book.
I actually read the WSJ, how the fuck did I miss this? To be fair to PK, if somebody offered me ridiculous money to shit out a column a couple times a week, there is no instrument on earth that could measure how fast I would say yes to that. So yeah, we can blame PK’s no-taste-or intelligence-having fanbase for his hefty salary. PK’s just selling out. It’s the American way.
Also, is “asstaster” the title of a porn? Because if it isn’t, it should be.
Do people still think having a copy of “The Art of War” is the mark of a true intellectual? Damn…
Brett Favre can do an imitation of a inbred retarded Southern dullard. What a infinitely fascinating Land Baron he is!No wonder he has His Corpulence so entranced.
I make a ridiculous amount of money. I’m not saying I’m not worth it.
Nothing has made my want to kick a man in the dick more than this statement. He better make sure I never see him walking past the SI building here in the city. Cause it will be ON!
How is Tuna misunderstood? How PK described him is how every football fan on the planet knows him by reputation. Tuna: understood.
I cant believe he didnt take tha chance to talk about his ass. School boy mistake.
Drew, is it within the realm of possibility to acquire legal rights to King’s book for the purpose of satire? Sort of like Pride, Prejudice, and Zombies? THERE MUST BE A WAY!
/Would pay $50 for that book
Unfortunately, the man is quite popular. I know a lot of people that eat his shit up. I guess Americans are easily impressed.
“It was also fun watching how Brett Favre lived his life. (in ’95)”
He lived one (or twenty) Vicodin at a time, it was quasi-Lawrence Taylorlish!
I think Stu struck gold with the BDD-annotated version of the PK book. How can I help make this happen?
/opens wallet, dumps assorted bills on the table
he’d watch the Discovery channel, the Golf channel, the History channel. He wasn’t watching Seinfeld or whatever.
Wait, a redneck wanted to watch golf, sharks, and WWII documentaries instead of “Seinfeld”? You’re telling me a country-strong cracker from Gulfport, Mississippi, didn’t completely identify with nebbishy Jewish yuppies in New York?
Pfft. Next you’ll tell me he liked “Saving Private Ryan” more than the “Sex and the City” movie.
“I’ll buy Peter King’s book if it is the Drew Magary Annotated Edition.”
+1
“I don’t hate PK. I hate the people who respond with a “huge” reaction. We vote with our dollars, and our webclicks.”
That’s why you don’t click on the fucking link to his cite, you get the highlights from Meester Magary.
DON’T YOU KNOW THAT WHEN PK TAKES A SHIT HE LOOKS IN THE BOWL AFTERWARD AND STATES “THERE GOES ANOTHER 5 POUNDS OF BROWN GREATNESS”.
@Gross Rexman:
My fianceé’s brother loves his column.
@Doc Holliday – you had me at “brain matter and blood.”
Is it wrong to have laughed out loud, for an extended period of time, at that story?
The worst part is that PK flat out lied to the WSJ reporter about his favorite article. I went to the SI vault to look it up and it’s not an article about following the Packers around for a week. It’s an article about following Favre around for a week –http://cnnsi.printthis.clickability.com/pt/cpt?action=cpt&title=On+Oct.+16%2C+Brett+Favre+of+the+Packers+began+preparing+-+10.30.95+-+SI+Vault&expire=&urlID=410811867&fb=Y&url=http%3A%2F%2Fsportsillustrated.cnn.com%2Fvault%2Farticle%2Fmagazine%2FMAG1007315%2Findex.htm&partnerID=289881
And, the lion buying players had a house in rural Wisconsin not an apartment. It’s bad enough that he cannot do basic fact checking on the NFL, but now he cannot even fact check himself.
Thanks for the lofty takedown BDD.
At one point during his first year at SI, Peter had a few too many Heineken Lights at the Capital Grill, politely declined a ride home from a coworker, and, a quarter-mile from the restaurant, ran down a pregnant Vietnamese woman crossing the street. His car was covered in brain matter and blood, and his windshield was shattered, due to the impact from the woman’s skull. The body was several yards away lying in a storm drain. King did what any fat, worthless douchebag would do, he drove off.
True story.
Wow… the gaping size of this man’s asshole…
“Ridiculously Humbling” is kinda an oxymoron dont you think? Like you have the audacity to declare just how much more humbling it was than any other experience? Gimme a break
@Mikey: Not surprised to hear that. For someone with King’s alleged sources, you think King would actually…you know….break a fucking story every now and then. If only by accident.
PK had a touch of disdain in his voice this morning on the Sirius when news broke that Adam Scheftler broke the 2 big stories of the day. I can only hope he gets fired and hit by the T.
So let me see…a retarded Southerner can do a spot-on impression of a retarded Southerner. Got it.
WSJ has him on the hook and no one brings up the fact that he has a cadre of Peruvian children dig through his fecal deposits to pick out coffee grounds so that he can wash them and reuse them?
The flavor? Fit for a King.
Meh. If SI wants to pay him that money, good for him. Now, if SI wants to be relevant in the world of non-swimsuit-related sports news, that’s another issue.
I’m fat and stupid. Give me some money next.
What, he didn’t talk about his awesome carbon – saving coupe d’et grace Boston walk – abouts? “Did you know that you can actually WALK to places if you live near them?!!”
Parcells is “misunderstood” and doesn’t “help the media?”
Parcells has always had a few media people in his pocket where ever he went. He did not allow his assistants to talk to the media so he was made to be the bigger star. He sucked up to the important people and bullied the smaller reporters. His legacy is, and will always be, a fat fuck and egotistical prick.
1.) God, this interview made me want to lose my fucking lunch.
2.) Drew’s conflicted feelings about Brett Favre define antipathy.
Billy Bob Thorton does an awesome Brett Farve impression in this movie called “Sling Blade”
‘Peter King Makes ME Stupid’ Fixed.
@Stu, You just blew my mind. Awesome!
I don’t hate PK. I hate the people who respond with a “huge” reaction. We vote with our dollars, and our webclicks.
I’ll buy Peter King’s book if it is the Drew Magary Annotated Edition.
Absolutely phenomenal. One of my favorite PK dissections yet. This line of his made me throw any future quasi-sympathy of mine out the window:
“I make a ridiculous amount of money.”
He defines Twat.
field hockey will never be heart stopping or dramatic. fuck PK
Time for LSUFreek to get an animated GIF with Billy Bob Thornton’s head on Brett Farve. Can we please make this happen? Pretty please with sugar on top? That or another Punte column with the Britfarr Kharacter.
I make a ridiculous amount of money. I’m not saying I’m not worth it. But I make a stupid amount of money. Sometimes it seems a little absurd considering what’s happening in our business.
No you fat fuck, its just plainly absurd. The fact that someone who as useless as King makes a “ridiculous amount of money” is the reason why the World. Be. Fucked.
Also, any theories on why King always brings up Favre’s Sling Blade impression? My guess is that that was the first night that King and Favre crossed the boundary from anal to eustachian
WSJ: In your own opinion, based on your decades of experience covering football, will Michael Crabtree play at a high level this season or did he throw away his NFL career by holding out?
PK: I called Mike Singletary about Crabtree and he returned my call via cellular phone and he said…
I’m satisfied. BTW: Ball’s Deep is the only thing Deadspin has going for it.
/fat joke to humble Drew
“…Brett Favre’s impression of Billy Bob Thornton in the movie “Sling Blade…” ”
Which is a dead-on, super accurate impression. Brett’s secret? He recites Sling Blade lines in his normal speaking voice.
Billiant move, Eagles. All teams should be willing to juggle their rosters to accomodate a mediocre quarterback who hasn’t played in two years.
Did he really really say he makes a ridiculous amount of money? And people fucking bitch about the TARP money and shit…Michael Moore’s fat ass needs to make a movie about this fuck. “Melted Kit-Kats – A love story”.
more Peter King goodness
/vomits
Is it humanly possible to not hate PK?
I won’t be satisfied until you’re following him around hilariously undercutting everything he says and does in his daily life, Drew. Please abandon your own life, your family and all your dreams and plans to make this happen.