Peter King Likes It Good, And He Likes It Deep
With Drew having left for the airport to see his Vikings play the Packers (and then subsequently realizing that his flight was booked EIGHT DAYS LATER), the weekly ritual of mocking the NFL’s noted sports and travel writer falls on someone else’s shoulders this week. Hopefully you’ll still enjoy the same dick joke taste. And personally, I don’t know what the dealio is with SI.com, but now it seems that I can’t copy excerpts from that site from Google Chrome into our Wordpress editor. BRING BACK MY COPY AND PASTE SO I CAN RIDICULE YOU IN A LESS TIME-CONSUMING MANNER, KING! HOLD STILL WHILE I BEAT YOU DOWN, YOU FAT BEANTOWN BITCH!
1. The Giants might or might not be the best team in football, but I can tell you this:
TELL ME, GODDAMMIT! I’M ON VERITABLE PINS AND NEEDLES HERE!
They’re the deepest.
Oh.
“Jerry Reese is a psychic, I think,” Justin Tuck said from Kansas City, where the Giants had ho-hummed a 27-16 win over the Chiefs. It’s the second straight week New York toyed with a bad team, and the Giants have won their four games by an average of 11 points.
THEY’RE A GREAT TEAM BECAUSE THEY’VE BEATEN TEAMS THAT EVERYONE KNOWS ARE TERRIBLE! WHAT’S WRONG WITH MY GODDAMN CAPS LOCK?!
We’ll start to find out how good the Giants are Oct. 18, when they visit the Saints, with New Orleans coming off its bye.
NEW ORLEANS HAS BEEN BEATING SHITTY TEAMS JUST AS WELL as you. Oh, there we go.
2. The Saints look like the best team in football.
But are they the deepest? STOP HOLDING OUT ON ME, YOU CHINO-CLAD FUCK!
The Giants, Colts and Vikings might be too, and Denver and Baltimore and New England … well, proclaiming a best team is a foolish pursuit on Oct. 5.
So is taking a shit in coach class, but foolish pursuits are the spice of this man’s life.
But if the Saints are the best, I credit a decision Sean Payton made back on Jan. 13, sitting by the firepit in his backyard in Louisiana with a cold beer in his hand.
Was it behind the wheel of a Bentley in Miami? Because I think I’ve heard this story before…
At the time, he really wanted to hire Gregg Williams as his defensive coordinator; Williams had a history of making chicken salad out of chicken feathers, and Payton knew his talent on defense was decent but limited, particularly in pressure packages.
HIS DEFENSE WAS MAKE OF CHICKEN FEATHERS! CHICKEN FEATHERS RIPE FOR CHICKEN SALAD PREPERATION!
“So I had a couple of beers in me,” Payton told me over the weekend, “and I start thinking, ‘I make enough money. We really need this guy. I’m going to offer some of my own money to try to make this happen.’
His own money! Sean Payton makes a SICK AMOUNT OF MONEY! How sick? ‘Swine flu’ sick?
So the next day, I walk into [general manager] Mickey Loomis’ office and say,
‘Mickey, take $250,000 of my salary, add it onto our offer for Gregg and let’s get this thing done right now.’ Mickey called [owner] Tom Benson, they discussed it, and they agreed. So we upped the offer.”
IT WAS NOT THE BEST OFFER, BUT IT WAS THE DEEPEST!
One other thing: Payton knew it was important to Williams that he work with his son, Blake, an aspiring football coach who prepped at Princeton, and so the Saints brought him in as an offensive assistant working with the line.
He “prepped” at Princeton, and they know a thing or two about chicken salad! All they do there is eat!
Williams saw the welcome mat. He took the three-year coaching offer, and the match has been perfect.
Great story. I might even FUCKING SAY IT WAS A GODDAMN LOFTY STORY! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY CAPS LOCK, SI.COM?!
3. Feel-good story of the year? Denver.
Feeling up story of the year? Shawne Merriman.
[T]here’s one thing you have to love about the Broncos: They’ve got a Patriot way (what a coincidence!) of tuning out the outside crappola and focusing on the only thing that matters — the next play.
THIS IS A CRAPPOLA-FREE WORKPLACE, YOU FAGGOTS! TAKE YOUR CRAPPOLA TO THE LOADING DOCK! THAT GOES FOR YOU TOO, HETEROS!
How can you not love this game tonight?
It’s like two evenly-matched bowls of chicken salad! Chicken salad for everyone!
One of the keys to Minnesota-Green Bay, obviously, is the Vikings sticking to the type of football they’ve played in their 3-0 start.
IF YOU DO WHAT YOU DID WHEN YOU WON THOSE OTHER GAMES, YOU MIGHT WIN THIS GAME! THAT’S VERY HELPFUL TO YOUR CAUSE!
Minnesota’s on a 54-46 run-pass ratio, and why not?
Seriously, why the fuck don’t teams just throw the ball 80 percent of the time? GET TO WHERE THE FUCK YOU’RE GOING. Do I drive 46 percent of the way to work and then park and WALK THE REST OF THE GODDAMN WAY?! I SHOULD THINK NOT, CAMEL COCK! Or…maybe this is why not.
You can’t take away the Favre drama tonight in Minneapolis, but the football’s going to be really exciting.
Better than Chiefs-Rams? You promise?
Quote of the Week I
“What’s it gonna be next week? Two-hand touch?”
WHY CAN’T I DIVE TOWARD TOM BRADY’S KNEE WITH IMPUNITY?
– Baltimore pass rusher Terrell Suggs after getting a questionable roughing-the-passer call by referee Ron Winter for brushing against Tom Brady’s knee while Suggs was on the ground at New England Sunday.
He dove at Brady’s knee and made contact. If that didn’t warrant a flag, there wouldn’t be any quarterbacks left in this league.
Forty percent of the Green Bay active roster has never met Brett Favre. Of the 53 players eligible to dress for the Packers in the Metrodome tonight, 21 joined the team after Favre’s departure in March 2008.
Why, it’s almost as if they MOVED ON AS A TEAM WITHOUT HIM! I’M STUNNED THAT THE CITY OF GREEN BAY DIDN’T SIMPLY SHUT DOWN THE FRANCHISE WHEN HE LEFT! Seriously, how the fuck is this STILL an angle?!
Enjoyable/Aggravating Travel Note of the Week
Let’s go with “Aggravating”…I’m sorry? Oh, I thought you were polling me.
For 24 years, I lived in New Jersey, until moving to Boston last winter.
FACKING FAGGITT or something. Blah blah blah, that thing that Drew does.
I’ve found myself getting melancholy for the Garden State. Friday and Saturday illustrate why.
Do tell!
Spent Friday at Jets camp, 30 minutes west of the Meadowlands in Florham Park, with lunch in tony Madison with Darrelle Revis and Jerricho Cotchery.
NO, GODDAMMIT! THAT WAS SARCASM!
Had pizza and Peronis with lots of old friends in Cedar Grove at Lombardi’s, which has the most underrated thin-crust pizza in Essex County.
Thinner crust means you can fit more in your pockets!
Drove into the city Friday night around 10, passed Giants Stadium and realized how old I am; what was I doing driving past a Springsteen show at the Meadowlands and not stopping for the final hour?
Probably because he sucks. Seriously, if Springsteen would have been from Albuquerque, nobody would have given a shit. But you Jersey fucks have built a reputation propping him up as the messiah, even now. THE GUY HASN’T RELEASED JACK SHIT FOR 15 YEARS! But hey, that Super Bowl halftime was something. Good show. BUT IT WAS NOT LOFTY! Not lofty…
a. Why, FOX, why? Why show the top 10 plays of Brett Favre’s career? How many celebrations of his career have you done, and how many more will you do?
Pot, you remember Kettle, don’t you? From the stove?
h. Wow. Did you see that handshake between John Harbaugh and Bill Belichick? Harbaugh belichicked Belichick! Gave him the dead-fish handshake that Belichick has given Eric Mangini and Rex Ryan.
First time I’ve ever heard “dead fish” used to describe a handshake. But with Belichick, the term describes him almost universally.
i. I really like Steelers returner Stefan Logan, who’s 60 percent the player Darren Sproles is … at about 10 percent of the cost.
The guy that was robbed by a white man last night and almost single-handedly let the Chargers back into the game last night? Yeah, he’s great.
b. Indigent Retired Players Day. Leroy Kelly, a Hall of Famer, has a pension of $176 a month. Scores of players, well into the hundreds, don’t have the medical care they need. The league and its players are making headway toward ameliorating the crisis, but not soon enough.
Smarter minds than mine can figure out how to draw attention to these issues, but I do know this: A much-needed bridge between players and owners would be built if the owners spent the kind of lockstep verve on these issues some weekend as the league, the players and its network partners did in unison on breast cancer awareness Sunday.
Seriously, NFL. Fuck your pink shoes and fuck you.
Tags: FJM style, fun with peter king, MMP
October 5th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
“Pot, you remember Kettle, don’t you? From the stove?”
Yes and yes. That was the best part.
October 5th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
I miss drew already
October 5th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
“Lombardi’s, which has the most underrated thin-crust pizza in Essex County.”
But do they put nutmeg in their lasagna?
October 5th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
“Drove into the city Friday night around 10, passed Giants Stadium and realized how old I am;”
It’s a breakthrough, King drove, in a car no less, past a packed stadium, and doesn’t have ten sentences worth of mindless bitching about the traffic
October 5th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
So when does Drew get back?
October 5th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
“Probably because he sucks.”
Probably? Springsteen is the blue collar Jimmy Buffet.
October 5th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
You know what would help Leroy Kelly? Universal health care. Oh, wait . . .
October 5th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
Do we at least deserve a special hung over drew tuesday edition tomorrow?
October 5th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
I’ll say it right now: if this eli manning heel thing causes him to miss some time and david carr costs them wins, king will go on about how their lack of depth (you know, deepness) is costing the giants. it’s what he does.
October 5th, 2009 at 1:15 pm
Punte if you want to copy and paste from SI.com you need to copy it as plain text so you don’t get their goofy, promotional HTML crap. Chrome doesn’t respond well to it and won’t paste it. Open the page in Firefox (different browser suggestions are for tech douches, I know, but it works) and use this add-on:
https://addons.mozilla.org/en-US/firefox/addon/4554
That will add a “copy as plain text” command to your context menu and it’ll paste just fine into Wordpress or anything else.
October 5th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
“…Blake, an aspiring football coach who prepped at Princeton.”
I need some help from the field with a proper analogy for this oxymoron…
October 5th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
+1 UU. That’s the description I’ve been searching for.
October 5th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
Please stop using double entendres when describing Peter King. It’s a real turn-off.
I enjoyed this. It’s a different flavor of hate. And I like flavor.
And thanks for the copy/paste tip. Good to know the next time I want to violate someone’s copyright. Which I do on a regular basis.
October 5th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
@The Dude: I almost banned you for that.
October 5th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
Maybe Drew could redo this when he gets back
October 5th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
+1 Capslock Key Punte
October 5th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
THEY’RE A GREAT TEAM BECAUSE THEY’VE BEATEN TEAMS THAT EVERYONE KNOWS ARE TERRIBLE! WHAT’S WRONG WITH MY GODDAMN CAPS LOCK?!
Is there a Skittle stuck under it, and are you just trying to play it off now?
October 5th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
lofty effort, punte.
maybe springsteen needs to be sprinkled with nutmeg.
October 5th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
Yes. Bruce hasn’t done shit in the past 15 years except produce four #1 albums, win a few Grammys, sell out countless shows including 5 at giants stadium in two weeks, and play the Super Bowl half time show.
October 5th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
Hey, those are great little facts and stuff, but he’s still the white male Madonna.
October 5th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
How about when Brady got his facemask grazed by somebodys finger and went down like he was shot with a .22.
“there wouldn’t be any quarterbacks left in this league.”
ZOMG!!
October 5th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
BRING BACK DREW
October 5th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Madonna is white. And I don’t think she sings folk songs about Nam vets. So…
October 5th, 2009 at 2:04 pm
You missed the worst part:
[Kerry] Collins has been more productive (51 more passing yards per game) and just as accurate as he was a year ago.
Actually, his completion percentage is two points lower, his yards-per-attempt is way down, he’s on a pace to throw a lot more interceptions and get sacked more often than last year, and his quarterback rating is twelve points lower. It took me all of ten seconds to look that up.
And why is Collins throwing for more yards? Because they’re always behind. Jesus, King’s an idiot.
October 5th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
Quasi-heroic post. I found it funny.
October 5th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
Who the Hell is Springsteen? Did he play in the Big Least or something?
October 5th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
Going to the last Bruce show of the tour in Buffalo, end of November. Bruce rules.
/The Bills suck
//Going this weekend vs Cleveland free thou
October 5th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
HORSEFEATHERS >>> CHICKEN FEATHERS
Is this some kinds of caps lock virus or something?
October 5th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
@booferama
But his racism is soaring to new heights! You didn’t really think Steve McNair killed himself did you?
/Kerry Collins is the ONLY Titans QB
October 5th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
“Had pizza and Peronis” He keeps dropping the name “Peroni” like it’s the greatest beer ever. Peroni tastes like Budweiser filtered through an old Italian’s jock strap.
/Don’t want to know how I know this
October 5th, 2009 at 2:57 pm
Needs more Drew.
October 5th, 2009 at 2:57 pm
RE kza Says:
“Yes. Bruce hasn’t done shit in the past 15 years except produce four #1 albums, win a few Grammys, sell out countless shows including 5 at giants stadium in two weeks, and play the Super Bowl half time show.”
Yeah, I think you lost most of us with “win a few Grammys.” Almost no one worth a damn wins Grammys. Exhibit A: Britney Spears has a Grammy.
/got nothing against Springsteen, just sayin’
October 5th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
this post is like the San Diego Marriotts of posts. Wasn’t lofty, but it was semi-clutch.
/polite clapping
October 5th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
nice work..the caps lock drew me in and the pot calling the kettle sealed the deal. That was pretty good punte
October 5th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
“The Saints look like the best team in football.”
EXCEPT FOR DREW BREES’ FACE WOOKIEE.
Jay “Helicopter” Cutler; is that a reference to his touchdown dance, or a popular penis trick. The world may never know because PK is still grieving over Favre and TENDER HEARTS CAN’T REPORT. Kelly Volkert originally broke the helicopter story but is on her honeymoon and can’t be reached for confirmation.
“Favre would have a pretty strange time if he walked in to the Green Bay locker room at these days. He wouldn’t know 31 of the 64 players in there.” Right, like Favre knows more than 31 of his Vikings teammates. He probably calls everyone by number in the huddle… “hey there big guy, trips right flex 23, got it tiger, hoo boy!”
Brandon Marshall = GUFF SALAD
“Drew Brees an icon on the level of Jim Kelly.
Gregg Williams the next Marv Levy.
The San Antonio Saints.”
NO PETER. THIS IS NOT HOW YOU COMPOSE FOOTBALL-RELATED HAIKU. For more information please consult Gregg Easterbrook at ESPN.
“10) Tony Romo. I know, I know. I like him more than the average American male.” the joke writes itself, really… ROMO IS LEADING THE LEAGUE IN SMILES (still the funniest PK moment ever. I can’t even type it without laughing out loud.)
finally, about Pete Carroll. He is not a “lesser-known” NFL coach. He is a FAILED NFL coach. Carroll’s Patriots teams quit on him. He is not a motivator and NFL players won’t respect him. He is perfectly suited to the college game, and to his credit, is smart enough to know that.
October 5th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
Seriously, if Springsteen would have been from Albuquerque, nobody would have given a shit.
A-fucking-men. Springsteen has gotten by on the blue-collar guy from Jersey schtick, when he’s riding limos, living in mansions and hasn’t worked a blue-collar type job since before Peter King had met the love of his lions (Favraro).
And Punte, this was indeed lofty. It may just take you a few more stabs at him before you develop the kind of seething hatred that Drew has for the Whale’s writing.
October 5th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
I agree with Punte. Bruce’s musical output has been inconsistent at best. A shame, particularly after “The Return of Bruno”, back in ‘88. So much promise, so much unfulfilled potential…
/Readies the sick bag supply in anticipation of tonight’s Favre Cock-Suck-A-Thon
//Orders Patrick Willis jersey to ease the upcoming pain
///Thinks a Bruce Vilanch reference might have been unfunnier, if such a thing were possible
October 5th, 2009 at 3:48 pm
The attempted Tawmee voice was priceless.
And good stuff from the second string. Not bad at all. Although I DONT KNOW WHAT WERE YELLING ABOUT.
October 5th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
He’s still a shitty writer. Has anyone ever seen melancholy used that way? Melancholy for something?
Scores of players, well into the hundreds, don’t have the medical care they need.
Sounds to me like he is bemoaning situation of the the dozens of hundred-year old ex-players.
October 5th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
Good fill-in, lofty fill-in.
October 5th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
Was getting bored until
“Thinner crust means you can fit more in your pockets!”
October 5th, 2009 at 5:20 pm
NEEDS MORE CAPS LOCK!!!!!
October 5th, 2009 at 5:38 pm
despite the sad lack of bdd, this piece gets a +1 for the eating clubs reference. you know, if you’re down with places to bash minorities, homosexuals, and women…much like this site. tawmee approves!
October 5th, 2009 at 6:33 pm
what was I doing driving past a Springsteen show at the Meadowlands and not stopping for the final hour?
Would anyone actually do this for any act? Spontaneously head to a nearly-finished concert without tickets? Maybe he could park in the players’ lot. Would he have payed full price or demanded a free concert because they started before he was ready?
October 5th, 2009 at 7:10 pm
I went without tickets. You can hear the show from the parking lot.
October 5th, 2009 at 7:11 pm
Punter was Sammy Hagar to Drew’s David Lee Roth here. Very capable. Not quite up to par with the work done by Big Daddy Balls, but a solid effort nonetheless.
I particularly enjoyed attacking the stale Favre angle, the Springsteen bashing (and props to Upstate for calling him a blue collar Jimmy Buffett), and the pink shoes comment. I don’t see why wearing pink supports anything except for looking incredibly gay on the football field–they could have just said “we support breast cancer,” maybe put some sort of advertisemt in the stadium saying so, and left it at that.
October 5th, 2009 at 9:33 pm
GFY KSK. Springsteen’s the man. And he has released more decent albums in the past 15 years than half of the music industry. Ever heard of “The Rising”? You know, the album that Springsteen released in response to 9/11? How about Magic? Or Working on a Dream?
Don’t hate. Just because Jersey is the greatest country in the world doesn’t mean you have to let your jealousy color your writing.
October 6th, 2009 at 12:19 am
It was a lofty post until you had to go step on Stefan Logan’s grill. The man is under appreciated. If he were given a change as a tailback, the Steelers would never lose.
October 6th, 2009 at 12:26 am
If Michael Vick gave his dog Peroni in a bowl it would be the worst thing he ever did to a canine. It’s that delicious.
October 6th, 2009 at 12:41 am
“robbed by a white man last night”
Racist.
October 6th, 2009 at 12:42 am
The NFL shouldn’t give a fuck about tit cancer until the WNBA supports testicular cancer research by wearing blue ribbons.
October 6th, 2009 at 3:41 am
So-
What color do you wear if you support colon cancer victims?
Deep poo brown??
October 6th, 2009 at 10:35 am
Yes. Bruce hasn’t done shit in the past 15 years except produce four #1 albums, win a few Grammys, sell out countless shows including 5 at giants stadium in two weeks, and play the Super Bowl half time show.
@kza Just further proof how moronic the American public is. Or network executives. Or both.
October 6th, 2009 at 11:43 am
Yes, “The Rising”-Springsteen’s pathetic attempt to use 9/11 as marketing for his cloying crap. Add in his Bellichickian coupling with Jersey big-haired housefraus and what a class act the guys is. Sprinsteen has lived in a mansion for 35 years, so the flannel shirt act is now beyond paody. He hasn’t released anything worthwhile since “The River”, which mostly rehashed “Darkness on the Edge of Town” anyway. No wonder PK loves him so.
If Grammies are so wonderful, where does that put Milli Vanilli, and Jethro Tull beating out Metallica?
About the Super Bowl halftime show;who has more people in it-the E Street Band, or the 4th Infantry Division?
October 6th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
If the NFL had taken all the money they spent producing all the “pink” apparel and assorted crap from this weekend and just donated that amount to breast cancer research – wouldn’t they have done more for the cause?
/Doesn’t have a problem with supporting breast cancer awareness.
October 6th, 2009 at 11:44 pm
KSK might not be the best NFL humor blog in the blogosphere, but I can tell you this: they’re the deepest!
Quality fill-in work, Punte. I enjoy Drew’s writing, especially when it helps me not do work, but everyone that complained about the lack of Drew can get fucked. “A free humor website didn’t pander to my time-wasting routine with the usual author? TIME FOR A COMMENT TEMPER TANTRUM!!”
October 7th, 2009 at 12:43 am
To Punte,
Sorry for those KSK’ers that miss Drew but, uh, seriously, “NFL. Fuck your pink shoes and fuck you?”
Fucking brilliant.
I mean…hey NFL, why not sponsor the ‘first 50,000 fans entered get painted pink for free’ day?
Anyway, while we/those of you deprived wait to figure out how Drew is working out his conflicted Favre/gay/Viking emotions this weekend and why said conflicted is so Favre-crazy this early in the season, I’d just like to say…
Springsteen so fucking sucks. Seriously, he just does.
I’m googling for every Punte hit now.
October 8th, 2009 at 3:08 am
Woulda been better to delay publication until Drew was able to complete it. Figured you can take the criticism given all that you dish out.