Peter King’s Championship Cake Recipe
When we last left map-eschewing porkquistador Peter King, he was decrying the price of Yankee Stadium’s hot chocolate (it’s 30% cacao!), praising the Saints for their edgy attitude, and deeply regretting ordering the Kung Pao cheeseburger spring rolls at Panda Express in the JFK airport.
What about this week? Will he ever find the Providence airport? Will it be another ho hum week for Wes Welker, ONLY THE FINEST WIDE RECEIVER EVER TO GRACE A FOOTBALL FIELD? And how did the Caldwellmen do? Join me, a day late, as we dive into the nether regions of one man’s very thin soul…
1. That, readers, was a Steelers Sunday right there.
You could feel the looseness in the air.
I think we’ve all gotten spoiled by the defense of the Steelers.
Indeed. I wish they’d stop sending me flowers and iPhones. And carpeting my driveway with rose petals whenever I drove home from work. STOP IT, LAMARR WOODLEY! I’M BLUSHING!
The Steelers have had 40, 50, who knows how many, of these games over the years.
And Big Ben has passed for, I dunno, 370 yards in the last 15 seconds of each and every one, or something. Let me not look it up, because that would ruin the magic of that particular psychostat. ALL OF THESE GAMES WERE PLAYED IN THE SNOW!
Tight in the fourth quarter, and the defense just does something. Or more than one something.
That something it does? CHEMISTRY.
This is one dangerous two-loss team if the Steelers can keep it up.
This just in: The Steelers, who won the Super Bowl last year and have won more Super Bowls than any team in history, might be an opponent you want to keep your eye out for. That Big Ben… so quiet! You’ll never hear him until you’ve run into his motorcycle with your Odyssey!
Now, the Cowboys might be completely back and they might not
Are they back? I don’t know. Could they be back? I don’t know. Could a Kraken rise from the ocean and snap entire skyscrapers in half with its mighty beak? I don’t know. Can I put a Twizzler in my nostril and pull it out of my mouth, thus delighting the four QB’s I’ve invited over for light beers? I don’t know.
— but what I like is that Romo is playing like you have to play sports.
Me too. He is playing as if someone has forced him to go out onto the field and play quarterback. THAT is how you play winning football.
One other thing about the Cowboys: Is it just me, or do they look like they’re having more fun on offense?
/runs to nfl.com
/checks team offense stats
/sorts by Smiles Taken and Fun Ratio
It’s not just you, Peter! The stats bear it out. This offense enjoys itself more than any other not piloted by Brett Favre.
Maybe that comes from winning.
/opens three poster boards taped together
HYPOTHESIS: Teams are happier when winning
DATA: Cowboys win two games in a row, now lead league in smiles
CONCLUSION: Is there a correlation? I don’t know.
/finishes last in 7th grade science fair
But the enthusiasm of Austin is contagious.
Here an odd sight: I saw a fun shot kiosk RIGHT in Valley Ranch headquarters.
It’s amazing how much can get done when no one cares who gets the credit.
Like the time I raised $5,000,000,000 for Dr. Z. And the time I offered to give some of my salary back to SI employees but was thankfully rebuffed!
3. I’m tired of taking San Diego’s temperature.
The only let me tuck the thermometer in their armpit. What fun is that?
What an interesting day the Bears’ castoff had against his old team Sunday in Cincinnati. Eight carries for 70 yards in the first quarter, 12 for 28 in the second, 8 for 54 in the third, 9 for 47 in the fourth.
Fascinating. It’s almost as if he got consistent carries and yards throughout the game. And he had 37 total carries. That’s nearly 40. MY GOD, CEDRIC BENSON IS ADAM DUNN.
(Heath)Shuler, 37, the third overall pick in the 1994 draft by Washington, is a Democratic congressman from North Carolina. He’ll quarterback a team from Congress against the Capitol Hill police Tuesday night at 8 at the D.C. Armory, in a game benefiting the Capitol police.
/bets mortgage on Capitol Hill police
The other day, from the floor of the House, he talked to me about life today between votes. “Hold on!” he said at one point. “Gotta vote on this investment for more solar energy research.” Shuler went away for 45 seconds, voted yea, and returned.
I KNOW POWERFUL PEOPLE. HAVE YOU MET TONY, AS IN DUNGY? I KNOW HIM AS WELL.
Of course, Tuesday’s flag-football game won’t be the same for Shuler. His foot hurts every time he puts too much pressure on it or tries to sprint, the result of two surgeries late in his career after he broke the sesamoid bone in his toe. Still he’ll hear the same thing he hears a lot around town these days, with the Redskins in such a funk. “People say to me, ‘We need you back with the ‘Skins!’ ”
Who the fuck says that? No one says that. Heath Shuler is the fucking lyingest liar that has ever lied. I wouldn’t vote for this prick to empty my fucking ice cube tray.
7. Get ready for Brett Favre Hype Week.
I’m the Grand Marshall! HGTV is doing a special Land Marathon in its honor!
New Orleans (6-0). Thirty-six points in the second half on the road.
Huh. What? I wasn’t listening.
Did you get that?
No.
Thirty-six.
WHOA, HEY! Now it’s finally sunk in! That’s a pussyload of points!
That’s almost as many Viagra/Cialis commercials you see in an average Sunday.
Ooh, a Viagra ad joke! Those are fresh. NOT!
When FOX scanned the Miami bench with 40 seconds left, the players looked like 36 trucks had just run them over.
With each truck representing a point, because that is how many points the Saints scored in the second half. Did you get that?
Denver (6-0). Take one young coach and one old safety. Add water, two eggs, three cups of flour, and you have yourself a championship cake.
For my championship cakes, I also like to throw in juuust a smidgeon of dynastic womb, and a cup of concrete cyanide. VOILA. Paula Deen would feed this to all her big fat retarded children.
Philadelphia (3-2). You know, maybe Michael Vick is just a lousy option quarterback. Maybe.
Maybe the Cowboys are happy because they’re winning. Maybe. Maybe Michael Vick blows at running the Wildcat. Maybe. Maybe there are underground caverns on Mars filled with batpeople. Maybe.
But I still think the Eagles have to find a way to make Vick more of a factor, perhaps starting tonight against Washington. It’s on Andy Reid and Marty Mornhinweg.
Hey, Michael Vick probably blows. YOU GUYS SHOULD DEFINITELY TRY AND AWKWARDLY SHOEHORN HIM INTO THE GAME MORE.
Houston (4-3). Past three weeks: Matt Schaub’s completed 68 percent of his throws, with eight touchdowns and two picks. Pretty soon we’ll have to put him in the top-10-quarterbacks discussion.
But for now, let’s leave him out of it. Five weeks from now, be on the lookout for me telling he is, at long last, a player to watch out for! He could be a Steeler, he’s so sneaky good!
“This is going to be one of the diciest picks a team has ever had to make,” one club official of a team that may have interest in (Sam) Bradford told me Sunday evening. Another team executive told me this is a hairier decision than teams had to make with Michael Crabtree coming off the stress fracture in his foot last winter, when Crabtree was unable to work out. The investment in a quarterback is different, quite simply because when you’ve used a top pick on a passer, you forget it as a draft priority for the next three or four years; when you take a receiver high, there’s no reason to not pick one high in the next draft because of the widespread use of multiple-receiver sets.
In fact, why not just take a receiver high in EVERY draft! There’s no precedent for that strategy failing!
The Award Section
I’d like to thank two people — Len Pasquarelli of ESPN and Mark Godich of Sports Illustrated — for talking some sense into me over the past couple of years.
“Peter, if you keep eating like that, you’ll get gallstones. It’s all but inevitable.”
Pasquarelli told me to stop naming so many players and coaches and goats of the week, and I said, OK, I’ll think about it. Then, after last week, when I had six players sharing offensive and defensive honors, Godich, a former editor of mine at the magazine, e-mailed to tell me I was a foolish ninny, or words to that effect. They’re right, of course. I’m going with a max of two in each category the rest of the way, and I’m going to try to keep it to one per category each week. Because I know how meaningful these ritzy awards are to the players and coaches involved.
PLAYER OF THE MILLENIUM: JAMARCUS RUSSELL. Look at how relatively disciplined he was this week.
Factoid That May Interest Only Me
I guess I don’t mind foreign football, though I have doubts it will work.
Maybe if London had any decent coffee. MAYBE then, it would work. Until then, I remain skeptical.
But if I were a fan in Miami, New Orleans or Tampa in the past three years, I’d have a big problem with it.
The New England-Tampa Bay game Sunday in London was a home game for the Bucs. The Bucs haven’t hosted the Patriots in a regular-season game in Tampa Bay since 1997, and under the current scheduling format, which calls for NFL teams to play at out-of-conference foe at home once every eight years, the Patriots won’t be in Tampa ’til 2017. Tom Brady will be 40 then. Who knows? He may still be playing, but I’d bet Brady will never play a regular season game in Tampa, ever.
OH NOES! NO BRADY IN TAMPA! SACRE BLEU! Tampa has a Brady-based economy! They rely on his octennial visits. It’s their Olympics!
Aggravating/Enjoyable Travel Note of the Week
If you traverse this great land…
The barren salt flats of Rhode Island… the pedestrian walkways of the Back Bay… the majestic Cliffs of Laguna….
…you know the difference between gum-chewers and gum-poppers. Chewers are barely audible. Poppers somehow make a snapping sound with each chew. Know what I’m talking about?
/buys thirty packs of Trident
It’s madness, I tell you.
On Saturday, about 30 minutes into the Boston-to-New York Acela trip, I found myself sitting in front of a gum-popper. Across the aisle in the quarter-full car were two silent Kindle readers. Behind me, with his Bose headphones silencing all the noise in the car (including his gum-chewing), was the nearly rhythmic snap-pause-snap-pause-snap of the clueless gum-popper.
ASSHOLE! YOU’RE RUINING EASTERN CONNECTICUT FOR ME!
I had three choices: ignore it and go on with my typing…
Hey, because typing makes no noise of any kind.
…tell the guy to please stop popping, or move to the opposite end of the car.
Ooh! Chew his gum ass out, Pete! Give it to him like he’s the Blackberry Storm guy!
I moved. Gum-popping, I think, is one of the truly annoying things that we just have to put up with. Like the 35 erectile-dysfunction drug commercials per Sunday.
Or old Viagra jokes. THEN THE GUY ASKED ME TO DONATE TO BREAST CANCER RESEARCH. BASTARD.
Tweet of the Week
“My father played for the coach from ‘rememeber the titans.’ Our coach played golf. My father played for redskins briefley. Our coach. Nuthn.”
– @ToonIcon, Kansas City RB Larry Johnson, on Sunday evening, in what is possibly one of the least intelligent Tweets in athletic history. I’m talking about the content, not the spelling.
Before this, I thought Johnson was a smart guy.
You did? What tipped you off to that? Was it the fact that he likes spitting on chicks? Or the fact that he likes breaking into his neighbor’s house? All early indicators were that Larry Johnson was a fucking Rhodes Scholar before this.
Percy Harvin. What a force. And how valuable he’s become. Did you see Favre run 35 yards downfield to check on Harvin when he was shaken up in the second half of Vikes-Steelers?
No way! He ran a short distance to check on an injured teammate? Brett Favre defines heart. He’s the key ingredient of any championship torte.
One good sign (and there aren’t many) for Steve Spagnuolo in St. Louis: Danny Amendola can play. He’s a good returner and Welker-esque receiver.
Semi-Edelmanish!!
I like the assuredness and self-confidence Alex Smith showed subbing for the struggling Shaun Hill with the 49ers. I bet Smith starts again next week.
What a bold prediction. Hey kids, I have an inkling you might be hearing more from this Schaub fellow!
Rashard Mendenhall’s the man in Pittsburgh now. Face it.
No. NO. I will not accept that reality. I demand Willie Parker be thrown back on the field to suck.
Houston’s better than we think.
MAYBE!
The Jets had two runners over 120 on the road, which is great … until you realize it came against the Raiders.
BUT SHONN GREENE IS STILL MY PLAYER OF THE WEEK.
How the Raiders can follow an inspired 13-9 win over Philly, a team just as good as the Jets, with a 38-point loss to the Jets is beyond me.
Really? You’re surprised the Raiders are inconsistent? Maybe if you underlined that fact in your head.
Sidney Rice is flowering with Favre throwing him the ball.
At last, he is becoming a real woman.
It pains me to say it, obviously, but congrats to the Yankees. They’re the best team in baseball, and they deserve to be facing off against the defending champs in the 2009 Arctic World Series.
I LOVE YOU, DEREK!
Baseball has to do something about its postseason schedule. Come on, Bob Costas. Rattle a cage or two.
Use your magic wings and Tinkerbell wand!
Call me 112 Across.
Is that your diameter?
I’m at a book signing last Wednesday for Monday Morning Quarterback: A fully caffeinated guide to everything you need to know about the NFL, in Boston, and this fellow I don’t know, Brendan Emmitt Quigley, comes up to me in line and introduces himself. Says he’s a “crossword constructor,” hands me a card with said title on it, asks if I remember my wish to one day be in the New York Times crossword, and tells me to make sure I read the Sunday crossword. Intimates I’ll be in it, and for more than one clue.
Reader Ricky writes in:
So, Peter King’s dream of being in a NYT crossword puzzle comes true. He writes about it in MMQ thanking the guy who was dumb enough to write the puzzle. KING MISSPELLS THE GUY’S NAME IN HIS COLUMN. King spells it “Brendan Emmitt Quigley.” I cut and paste the guy’s name from the column to see if i could figure who this idiot is. His real name is Brendan Emmett Quigley. However, I do suppose anyone who guys by Brendan Emmett Quigley deserves to have his name misspelled. But still.
Whoa. Now, a month ago, I wrote in this column that my goal in life was to be in the crossword, which was a bit tongue-in-cheekish but nonetheless something I thought would be extremely cool. My wife and I are crossword people, but we can’t get past the Thursday puzzle generally. Anyway, come to find out that I’m actually the theme in the puzzle, for wishing I would one day be in it.
Well, isn’t your life just all sunshine and rainbows. Ironic such an honor would be so readily bestowed upon the clueless. Now you can steal even more foul balls with impunity, you cocksmacker.
That raised the ire of one Keith Olbermann, a much more famous man than I am, because he’s been trying to get in the puzzle, even appealing to editor Will Shortz.
“Tonight, a special 90-minute Special Comment for Mr. Will Shortz. Mr. Shortz, at long last, have you no decency? It was YOU, good sir, who promised me a slot in that puzzle. It was YOU, good sir, who knew full well that I deserved that clue over Peter King. Are we no longer a democracy? Do promises mean nothing to your administration?”
And so Keith gave me a few raspberries Sunday on the Football Night in America show.
“Talk to me through my lawyer, Peter.”
Anyway, the King-themed puzzle clogged up a blog run by crossword aficionado Rex Parker in New York, eliciting comments like: “This puzzle is about the weirdest thing I’ve seen in the NYT. It’s like a love letter to one guy…
Rex, join me every Monday. You have no clue how deep the self-love letters run…
Why anyone else should care, I don’t know. If you wanna put the guy in a puzzle, just put him in a puzzle. No need to beatify him like this.”
And from ‘Meg’: “I did not have a negative reaction to this puzzle. Actually, I feel kind of sorry for the guy. I mean, if your goal in life is to be mentioned in a puzzle … So I felt like BEQ was doing this poor sot a favor more than showing adulation.”
Did this chick really just use the word “sot”? Does this woman live inside a Wizard of Id strip?
And this: “For Peter King’s egomania to be rewarded so laboriously is icky.” And this: “Build it around a Winston Churchill quote, or even someone alive and not nearly as famous. But a blowhard sportswriter — with a Brett Favre infatuation — who has his share of critics?”
I love you, anonymous Times puzzle fiend.
And, finally, this: “It doesn’t matter how well known Peter King or the quote is or how much Peter King likes Brett Favre, who I’ve despised from the beginning of his career for a lot of reasons, one of which is that he’s supposedly a ‘blue collar’ player on a ‘blue collar’ team. That drives me nuts! Do people think the players on these ‘blue collar’ teams all go to offseason jobs at the brewery or the steel mill? The Canton Bulldogs haven’t played in years. Now that was a blue-collar team…
Semi-Romoesque! Says it was a blue collar work day to me!
…The Packers and the Steelers get their players from the same places all the other teams do. Also, that stupid fiction everybody subscribes to that somehow the northern teams play better in the cold. Most of their players grew up in Houston! Auugh! I can’t stand Brett Favre! Don Meredith, now there was a quarterback.”
Oh, wait. Sorry. That letter was apparently written by a Blue Star commenter.
Aaah, the crossword crowd. Anyway, thanks for the highlight, Brendan.
Or whatever your name is!
Coffeenerdness: I’ll tell you what we need in midtown Manhattan — a Starbucks open until midnight on Sundays.
And a Texas State Book Depository Museum. I’d go seven times a day if I could. Did you know Oswald really DID act alone?
As my MacBook Air expired Sunday…
MACBOOKAIRMACBOOKAIRMACBOOKAIR
I had 4,500 forlorn words for MMQB written, but they were locked in the snowy vault of the white screen. Uh-oh. Screwed. So I went about recalling everything and rewriting everything, miserably, with only green tea and deli coffee as strong as a dying housecat. I needed something to kick in around 5 this morning. What’s the closest Starbucks to Rockefeller Center with late Sunday hours?
I don’t know. Why don’t you look it up, fuckface?
Tags: baking, Big Daddy Drew, FJM style, fun with peter king
![[badge]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/themes/default/images/100121_FOXmsnBadge_200x50.gif)
October 27th, 2009 at 10:45 am
Look out. That New York Yankees team may just be able to win the World Series. Can they win it all? I don’t know. How about that Alex Rodriguez?! What a player!
October 27th, 2009 at 10:46 am
Porkquistador has to be the greatest word ever created; picturing the Double J using it in a future column. Seriously though, this guy has got to be the single largest assbag on the earth. I tweeted him on Twitter to ask him if Brett Favre shaves his balls and he blocked me. WTF?
October 27th, 2009 at 10:50 am
Stay away from the sesamoid chicken at the Manchu Wok in O’Hare, Peter! Too many bones. And it tastes like feet.
October 27th, 2009 at 10:54 am
“2009 Arctic World Series”
You snarky bastard PK, Arctic World Series because it’s cold at the end of October.
October 27th, 2009 at 10:58 am
After having read PK’s column (through this site of course) I am not at all surprised that he thought L.J. was a “smart guy.”
October 27th, 2009 at 10:59 am
“I found myself sitting in front of a gum-popper. Across the aisle in the quarter-full car were two silent Kindle readers. Behind me, with his Bose headphones silencing all the noise in the car…”
Jesus, is PK hoping to get some free swag with all this product name-dropping? It’s like if Patrick Bateman had a football column.
/would much rather read a Patrick Bateman football column
//”pussyload of points” = GENIUS
October 27th, 2009 at 11:00 am
“Gotta vote on this investment for more solar energy research.” Shuler went away for 45 seconds, voted yea,
Heath Shuler respects sun research.
October 27th, 2009 at 11:01 am
“People say to me, ‘We need you back with the ‘Skins!’ ”
after last nights game people might be actually saying that to Shuler.
October 27th, 2009 at 11:03 am
In fact, why not just take a receiver high in EVERY draft!
I hope to hell Matt Millen was high on something when he did that… only rational explanation.
October 27th, 2009 at 11:03 am
Thank you, BDD. Thank you, thank you, thank you
/sobs uncontrollably
//sad to live in a world where PK is considered good at anything besides being a big fat fuck
October 27th, 2009 at 11:06 am
When FOX scanned the Miami bench with 40 seconds left, the players looked like they had just sucked 36 dicks.
October 27th, 2009 at 11:06 am
You know, I’m starting to get the feeling it just might not be in the cards for Jason Campbell to make it as the Redskins starting QB. Maybe it is, though.
/PK’d
October 27th, 2009 at 11:13 am
/votes for fun with peter king to appear every tuesday to give Drew time to perfect it like the above example
October 27th, 2009 at 11:13 am
Percy Harvin. What a force. And how valuable he’s become. Did you see Favre run 35 yards downfield to check on Harvin when he was shaken up in the second half of Vikes-Steelers?
That’s about34 yards further than he ran to try to stop Pittsburgh from scoring on one of his two late turnovers on Sunday.
October 27th, 2009 at 11:16 am
Heath Shuler voting in favor of more solar research? Now there’s a man who defines respecting the sun. He is voting ‘yea’ to giving money to scientists who are trying to harness the brutal, unforgiving power of the sun for good.
October 27th, 2009 at 11:17 am
Didn’t Redskin fans hate Heath Shuler even when he was young and still had weight-bearing feet?
October 27th, 2009 at 11:24 am
*/opens three poster boards taped together
HYPOTHESIS: Teams are happier when winning
DATA: Cowboys win two games in a row, now lead league in smiles
CONCLUSION: Is there a correlation? I don’t know.
/finishes last in 7th grade science fair
/laughs so hard coffee spills on work hes supposed to be doing.
October 27th, 2009 at 11:32 am
Can someone please explain to me why these neutral site games can’t be an away game for each team? That way neither team loses a home game, thereby not depriving the fans of 12.5% of the home schedule. They could easily have a coin toss in the offseason to decide who can be the ‘home’ team so to speak.
I have Bengals season tickets, and when the time comes for them to go overseas for a ‘home’ game, I’m gonna be fuckin’ pissed off.
October 27th, 2009 at 11:33 am
the Brett Favre thing to harvin was so fake. You could tell he was just doing it for the cameras. It’s his fault the guy got clocked, he chucked the ball into the middle of the steelers secondary, with 3 guys around, and they were smashing receivers over the middle all day.
what a pos.
October 27th, 2009 at 11:33 am
That’s a pussyload of points!
Jeremy Shockey’s been intrigued by this “pussytubing” and wants to try it out.
October 27th, 2009 at 11:37 am
@Wick Hammerman
Did you spill coffee on the double cheeseburger with fries that you were handing to the drive-thru customer?
Nobody gives a shit if you laughed or not, you douchebag and shitty employee.
October 27th, 2009 at 11:43 am
“Porkquistador”
And you top yourself once again.
“/finishes last in 7th grade science fair”
And again. Definitely agree with pushing this to Tuesday to allow for perfection. And if Greggggg’s column got the same treatment one of these weeks I might have to take a day off to recover.
October 27th, 2009 at 11:44 am
I thoroughly enjoy reading this column. It just goes to show you that in America, you need to be lucky rather than good to be successful. PK’s column is just a bunch of bullshit concatenated together into one article of nonsense rambling. The only way I can see this happening is that the Marketing team at SI is amazing and that the average football fan is half-retarted and will read anything relating to football just to pass the time in their cubicle. Seriously, wtf does this mean
“Now, the Cowboys might be completely back and they might not.” and ”
“but what I like is that Romo is playing like you have to play sports.”
Can someone clarify this for me? Holy fuck.
October 27th, 2009 at 11:45 am
I don’t think Peter King understands metaphors. Add 3 egg yolks, one gritty quarterback, 12 tablespoons unsalted butter, a stout defense, 2 teaspoons freshly squeezed lemon juice, a kicker that defines clutch, and 1/8 teaspoon cayenne pepper. Literally place mixture over boiling water — especially the kicker — and whisk for 3 to 5 minutes, and — TA DA! — a championship Hollandaise sauce. Pour over asparagus for an elegant side dish.
/Dan Patrick calls this tripe “a must read”…. sigh
October 27th, 2009 at 11:45 am
@ yeatdog
Someone smarter than me could probably figure out a way to make it work, but as far as I can tell its not possible. The schedules for Home/away games are set years in advance and then the NFL picks one of the games to move overseas. If you rotated one of Tampa’s away games to make it a home game, then you’re taking away a home game from someone else, and so on. With an even number of games I don’t see how you could do it.
October 27th, 2009 at 11:54 am
Was anyone else surprised that the championship cake didn’t contain nutmeg?
October 27th, 2009 at 11:57 am
“Join me, a day late as we dive into the nether regions of one man’s very thin soul”
I refuse to believe that anything on or associated with this man can be considered “thin”
October 27th, 2009 at 11:59 am
rofling Says:
October 27th, 2009 at 11:13 am
/votes for fun with peter king to appear every tuesday to give Drew time to perfect it like the above example
I agree.
October 27th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
Jumping Jesus. I can’t even get worked up over King. He is the alienpredator of douches. I wither at the task of taking this douchemonster down a notch. It takes just the right combination of grit and driving hate and fat stores to even begin to poke a hole in this man’s world-destroying ego.
October 27th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
Here’s a fucking suggestion, don’t make teams play football in other countries. Also, Starbucks, don’t you know Peter King demands coffee service 24/7 GLOBALLY. Get on that shit.
October 27th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
“Can someone please explain to me why these neutral site games can’t be an away game for each team?”
Uh, because then two other teams would have to play a double home game somehow?
October 27th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
PK has Erectile Dysfunction!!! The only people annoyed by the fucking commercials are guys who HAVE ED!!! PK’s chubber has trouble getting out of park. Thats fucking hilarious. His Mac probably died from downloading too much porn.
October 27th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
Still he’ll hear the same thing he hears a lot around town these days, with the Redskins in such a funk. “People say to me, ‘We need you back with the ‘Skins!’ ”
Yes, Heath. They’re called Eagles/Giants/Cowboys fans.
/they couldn’t be worse with him right now anyways.
October 27th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
Schlinder’s Dick Says:
October 27th, 2009 at 11:44 am
“…and that the average football fan is half-retarded and will read anything relating to football just to pass the time (in their cubicle…where ever)”
No shit genius. Like KSK?
October 27th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
I already told you, Paula Deen is Bobby Bowden!!!
October 27th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
Peter King: Even people who spend their time posting on the internet about crossword puzzles feel sorry for him.
October 27th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
My lifetime goal is to be the anonymous subject of this fat shit’s “aggravating travel note” though it will be difficult as I do not live anywhere near him.
“Waiting in line for coffee, I notice a 30ish man staring at me intently. He starts popping his gum while talking loudly on one of those cellular telephones – as if trying to get my attention. He purchases a muffin from the barista and takes it to a table. From his jacket, he pulls a jar of nacho cheese, a dog collar and a portable dvd player. He puts on the dog collar, dips the muffin in the cheese and starts the dvd player. He’s watching a season of a funny sitcom called Reba while choking himself and masturbating – pausing every few seconds to look up at me. All the while, I just can’t believe that anyone would put nacho cheese on a breakfast muffin!”
/funnier in my head
October 27th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
Peter King would use an effing MacBook Air…he’s definitely not intelligent enough to use a PC without causing a black hole.
October 27th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
@ junkfood
http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2006/12/tuesday-morning-pretentious.html
There ya go.
October 27th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
@Screamapillar
Great start, but needs more brand names. Product placement! MOICHENDIZING!
October 27th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
“People say to me, ‘We need you back with the ‘Skins!’ ”
Yes, the Redskins need the guy who threw 32 interceptions and 15 TDs during his NFL career AND gets similarly dominated by the capitol police in that charity game. Shuler’s stats from the 2007 game: 0 TDs, 2 INTs.
http://deadspin.com/314028/shuler-still-playing-bad-football-in-dc
October 27th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
Good MacBook. Lofty MacBook. If only PK’s dedication to publish this abortion weren’t so strong.
October 27th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
Could you fellas be so kind as to ask LSUfreek to put Tory Lanes taint in for PK’s eyes. I feel sick whenever I see his cumfritter head shot.
October 27th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
MacBook Air? Really? Well, that certainly explains why Peter King is an arrogant douchebag.
October 27th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
I tried to read PK’s column yesterday. Needless to say I got through half a page before giving up. I was stuck on trynig to figure out what in the hell this meant:
I think we’ve all gotten spoiled by the defense of the Steelers
Yeah, all of us non-Steeler fans are so enchanted by their defense we can’t cheer for our teams to beat them. It’s semi-ironic-ish on a quasi level.
October 27th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
I think that Heath Shuler is an elected representative in this country is one of the seven signs of biblical Armageddon.
October 27th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
My vote for Meast: PK’s MacbookAir.
October 27th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
@ Windy City Sulker
Thanks for the link. It’s a perfect replica but only 1/16 as long.
October 27th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
Porkquistador. Lofty.
October 27th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
“deli coffee as strong as a dying housecat” What, coffee flavored water isn’t good enough for you?
October 27th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
It pains me to say it, obviously, but congrats to the Yankees.
Why does that pain you? You’ve been a fairweather Boston fan for about seven weeks, and you talk about the Yankees in your column incessantly. His semi-fandom is Snoop Dogg-esque.
Oh, wait. Sorry. That letter was apparently written by a Blue Star commenter.
Awww…
/saddened Blue Star commenter
/secretly believes BDD is slowly becoming a Cowboys fan
October 27th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
Heath Shuler took 45 seconds to vote for the solar bill? Good thing he did some research. Is that even enough time to flip a coin? I think he just asked his aching foot.
October 27th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
I, too, finished last in my 7th grade science fair. The stupid Slinky didn’t go down the board. “Gravity in All Its Glory”, my ass.
October 27th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
“I like the assuredness and self-confidence Alex Smith showed subbing for the struggling Shaun Hill with the 49ers”
yeah. that was indeed a self-assured and confident dumb fucking final seconds interception. defined clutch.
/completely disagrees with BDD’s semi-quasi-recent”no-PK-terrorizing” advisement
October 27th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
Ufford says I’m not allowed to mention how awesome this was.
October 27th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
@BDD: I think the only solution would be for the Giants and Jets to play each other. It could be counted as a home game for both teams, freeing up the “double away game” yeatdog suggested.
October 27th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
So he says the 36 point victory almost surpasses the number of ED ads, then later pegs it at 35 ads. He sucks at writing, but compared to math, writing is actually a skill for him.
I’ve never used noise-canceling headphones, but I find it implausible that they can cancel the noise coming from INSIDE THE WEARER’S HEAD.
October 27th, 2009 at 4:11 pm
Hope your kids are doing ok today, Drew.
October 27th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
“porkquistador”… just, wow. That word is to the English language as Wes Welker is to football players – so awesome it’s hard to get your head around. Downright semi-unappreciable.
October 27th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
Heath Shuler casually put Peter King on hold for 45 seconds to vote on a bill that is going to cost taxpayers $9 Billion. The records show 13 minutes after that vote, Shuler voted yes on giving Iran a very stern reprimand for human rights violations. I’d like to PK had a say in those votes.
October 27th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
jamarcus russell for alabama congressman ‘18
/sometime after they got word of the results of the war, alabama got rid of the voting literacy test, right? yes? ok jamarcus you’re good to go.
October 27th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
@ Senior Chang
In a row?
/Clerksed
October 27th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
“Get ready for Brett Favre Hype Week.”
Isn’t every week Brett Favre Hype week?
October 27th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
And PK referred to Austin Miles as a “mighty mite.” Dude’s 6′3″ and 215. Of course PK is pushing 4 bills so I guess most professional football players would look small in comparison.
October 27th, 2009 at 5:45 pm
In Shuler’s defense, it’s hard to imagine that members of Congress can pull together an effective offensive line. Even if it is flag football, middle-aged lawyers can’t compete with men and women who carry around automatic weapons all day.
I have some other questions about this game: why would Congress need to raise money through a charity football game for the families of Capitol Police who have died in the line of duty? Can’t they simply increase the benefits to the families by passing a law? To make the game even more head-spinning, couldn’t we argue that Capitol Police are in more danger because selfish, craven members of the Congress are angering the country, while Glenn Beck adds nutmeg, resulting in a gun-toting clafoutis of lunatic-perpetrated gun violence?
Vince “Kobe” Jackson. Which part of Vincent Jackson is like Kobe? Height? Skin color? Sexual assault charges? It must be because Jackson, too, spent much of his adolescence living in Italy. Thanks Peter “Edward the Confessor” King.
“Say the Glazer family, owners of the Bucs and Manchester United, wanted to form some sort of marketing partnership.”
/should I call the Glazers for comment? nah, then they’ll deny it and ruin my faux prediction.
“Pats 94, TitanBucs 7 over the past two weeks, on two continents.” Ooh, this is fun. Ready? Colts 73, RamTits 15 over the past three weeks, across four states, two time zones! How about Saint 75, BillGles 29 over the past two weeks and six quark flavors! WOW. What a sot.
October 27th, 2009 at 6:40 pm
When FOX scanned the Miami bench with 40 seconds left, the players looked like they had each been hit with 36 paternity suits.
October 27th, 2009 at 6:41 pm
When Fox scanned the Miami bench with 40 seconds left, the players looked like they had been asked by their cousins to open 36 hair salons.
October 27th, 2009 at 9:39 pm
@ManBearPig Didn’t drew quote YOU on Blue Star yesterday?
October 27th, 2009 at 11:47 pm
Thirty-five across: nine letter word for ‘Stalked a Lobo’.
October 28th, 2009 at 9:09 am
“I wish they’d stop sending me flowers and iPhones”
That’s the second time I’ve heard someone write on this site that all the ladies want as a gift is a cell phone. The fuck kind of ladies are you dating?
Everybody knows that cunnilingus is the gift that keeps on giving.
October 28th, 2009 at 11:39 am
Could we take a moment to recognize PK’s admission that he can only make it through Thursday’s puzzle (with his wife’s help) in a column he writes for a living. So, his life’s goal was to be a clue in a puzzle that is too difficult for him to even attempt, much less complete, even though he’s making a stupid amount of money by writing mutherfucking words down. Probably because he can only think of “Lofty” and “Quasi”
October 28th, 2009 at 11:44 am
I don’t have time to read comments; I googled starbucks. A dropdown was locator. I clicked. I typed my work zipcode. 9 appeared, as if by magic. Holy shneikes. Who knew?
October 28th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
Was this the best Peter King post of the year? I don’t know. Was it worth the wait? Yes it was, unlike the Marriott’s room check-in policy – MY KIT-KAT IS MELTING IN MY POCKET, I CANNOT WAIT UNTIL 3PM!
(Does “gave me a few raspberries” mean something bad in the King-lexicon? because I fucking love raspberries. They’re semi-Strawberryish.)
October 28th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
Little known fact: In addition to being a coffee snob that thinks Starbucks is the greatest coffee on the planet, Peter King is also a connoisseur of steaks who believes that the Applebee’s ribeye is the finest cut of beef known to man.
October 30th, 2009 at 11:20 am
It just gets better:
House ethics investigators are reviewing an allegation of “preferential treatment” in a land deal involving Rep. Heath Shuler (D-N.C.), a former Washington Redskins quarterback, according to a July committee document obtained by The Washington Post.
Was Heath helping King get some more land for the Land Barron?
October 30th, 2009 at 11:20 am
/italic fail</i
November 12th, 2009 at 4:11 am
Its could be that they took their own skill for granted and underestimated their opponents.