Off-Topic: The KSK Kares Kharity Drive Aftermath, in Which You Are Encouraged to Point and Laugh at a Blogger
Hey, who’s a gigantic tool?
THIS GUY.
For those of you who are late getting to the charitable party, the astoundingly generous KSK community raised $8,346 dollars for my participation in Fight Gone Bad IV, which just so happened to be the second-highest total of the 5000 CrossFit athletes who participated, an effort that helped FGB raise over $1 million for the Wounded Warrior Project and Athletes for a Cure. You are all to be commended and rewarded, and the only way that I can reward you is by offering up my sweaty, imperfect being for your satanically cruel scrutiny.
After the jump is my Fight Gone Bad experience in words and pictures, as promised. Be warned: male shirtlessness and vomit ensue.
Saturday morning. I’ve been fearing FGB for weeks, and much of it comes from the fact that the damn blog readers have donated so much money, which has changed me from a middling/below-average member of CrossFit South Brooklyn to something of a celebrity among the little community of people who could appear on the covers of fitness magazines. “So how did you raise so much money?” they ask. “Blog? How many readers to you guys have?” “And you just asked them for money?” And so on.
Of course, there’s the additional pressure of feeling like I need to get pictures of myself vomiting in order to justify all the money that was donated. I have to puke. WHAT IF I DON’T PUKE? People have paid good money to see me throw up, I damn well better follow through. But it’s not all about raising money and puking: I also want to perform well for my own, you know, physical well-being.
In case you’re unfamiliar with Fight Gone Bad, it’s a workout in which one performs three cycles of five different exercises in one-minute increments. Five minutes of going through each station, one minute of rest, five minutes for the next cycle, one minute of rest, and five more minutes. What are those exercises? Let’s have a look:
1. Rowing
Rowing fucking blows. It’s the bullshit exercise in Fight Gone Bad, because your score is determined by how many calories you generate, whereas every other exercise gets tallied by reps performed. Rowing magically saps your body of any and all energy you may have stored in your body. It taps into your mitochondria’s power reserves and runs the air conditioner on high.
A few days before Fight Gone Bad, I rowed 2000 meters. It took me eight minutes, and I threw up afterward. Rowing is an asshole.
2. Wallball
Wallball sounds like a fun game children might play. It is not. You take a 20-pound medicine ball, squat until your hips are below your knees, then stand up and throw the ball at a target on the wall ten feet in the air. I actually dislike wallball more than rowing.
3. Sumo Deadlift High-Pull
A deadlift is when you lift a bar from the floor to mid-thigh level by bending over, then using your back and hips to stand up with the weight. The high-pull part comes when you add raising the bar to your clavicle. That way, it’s twice as much work, plus it wears out your shoulders and traps as well as your lower back and hamstrings. Whee. (For FGB, the prescribed weight is 75 pounds.)
The clock in the picture depicts me at two minutes and 23 seconds into FGB, which is about 30 seconds before I realized that there was no chance of me puking in this workout. I could tell this because I was suddenly VERY close to losing control of my bowels. You see, rowing, wallball, and SDLHP all involve a lot of squatting and then exploding into full leg and hip extension, and that, my friends, is a whole lot of — I really wish I had a better phrase for this — colonic massage.
So, I had to use some of the energy that should have been spent moving weight clenching my sphincter instead. Because I was willing to vomit bananas and blue Gatorade for KSK, but shitting my pants was not part of the deal. You hear me? SHITTING MY PANTS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL.
4. Box Jumps
Oh, this is a nice one. This is possibly the worst picture of me ever taken. Stupid look on the face? Check. Unflattering stomach exposure? Absolutely. Sweating like Drew going up the stairs? Indeed.
And yes: the shorts. The shorts are silver. People are going to make fun of those. For Christ’s sake, it’s just a shitty pair of shorts to work out in. But I should know better:
“I dream of a day when a man will be judged not for the content of his character, but for the color of his shorts.” –The Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
Great man. King also envisioned LOLcats, but that’s another story.
Anyway: box jumps. You’re just jumping onto a box that’s 20 inches high. Sounds easy, right? And yet. Ohhhh, and motherfucking yet.
Sure, the first five are easy. Ten are easy. Then you have to put more and more effort to land on top of a wooden box. Then you don’t measure your jump right and you catch your toe on the edge of the box and your shin slides down the edge of the box and you’re bleeding.
Fucking box jumps.
5. Push Press
Like the deadlift high-pulls, this is with a 75-pound barbell. Now, pressing 75 pounds over your head isn’t that difficult. Doing it as many times as you can in a minute? Well, that’s considerably tougher. Doing it as many times in a minute while completely out of breath with aching shoulders from wallballs and high-pulls? Well, that’s misery. Sheer misery.
At the end of each five-minute sequence, I’d take the bar off the rack, crank out a couple reps, and unceremoniously clank it back on the rack, gasping for air, muscles begging me not to pick it up again. But everyone around you is yelling at you to get back on it, more reps, that’s enough rest, so you take a big gulp of air and have another go.
…and that’s one cycle. Do that two more times and this happens:
Am I crying? Maybe. I blacked out, so it’s hard to say.
Several minutes later, I regained the power — if not quite the desire — to stand up. I spoke to a couple people about how it felt (’Wow, that sucked“), and then I felt a late-surging unhappiness in my guts. To the trash can, Batman! We have dry-heaving to do!
No, there was no actual vomit dispensed. And I bought the blue Gatorade just for you! I don’t even like the way it tastes!
But there’s a happy ending to this story. Happy for you, that is. One week later I did an all-rowing workout that culminated in five heats of 250-meter sprints on the rower. As with the 2000-meter row, the erg sapped my energy and poisoned my digestive system. Immediately after finishing my final 250 meters, I headed straight for the bathroom and fired off some violent projectile vomiting:
That’s coffee, coconut water, and the mostly digested remains of an egg sandwich. I apologize for not capturing the act itself on camera. I didn’t really have the time to grab my iPhone and explain to someone why they needed to come to the bathroom with me to photograph me getting sick. So, this grainy post-vomit shot will have to do…
…UNTIL NEXT YEAR.
Tags: captain caveman, Fight Gone Bad, KsK Kares, thank you again you people really are generous
![[badge]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/themes/default/images/100121_FOXmsnBadge_200x50.gif)
October 6th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
[golf clap]
Nicely done sir, nicely done.
In case anyone is curious, Rocco did not make it out to Crossfit Rochester for FGB so I don’t have any pictures of him rolling around on the ground in pain & agony.
October 6th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
Great work, CC. Falco would be questioning his sexuality if he were still alive today.
October 6th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
So I’ll assume the tree tattoo has special meaning…but until I get confirmation I’ll just assume you got the Ape-Impersonator Guy to give it to you after some bong hits because nature is cool.
October 6th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
Even your puke looks healthier than mine.
October 6th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
Well done CC. No, I couldn’t make it to Rochester. Talked to the Crossfit Buffalo guy, but they weren’t doing FGB. I did practice three of the exercises (no rower or medicine ball), and don’t want to even think about how hard the whole 15 minutes would be. I’m sure I would have been rolling around on the ground in pain & agony, if not altogether dead. Hopefully I can get my local affiliate to participate next year. If not, Rochester it is, and pics of the ensuing puke. Promsie.
October 6th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
“Because I was willing to vomit bananas and blue Gatorade for KSK, but shitting my pants was not part of the deal. You hear me? SHITTING MY PANTS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL.”
It’s lines like this that makes this blog the greatest thing on the internet. Many thanks to you.
October 6th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
@Farthammer – I spent over three years in the Mojave Desert. Got that Joshua tree the day I got out of the Marines and just before I put the desert in my rearview mirror.
And again, everybody: I am positively shocked you donated so much. Thank you.
October 6th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
Nice silver shorts there, Ashley.
Other than that, Jesus, shut the fuck up about how bad you look, asshole! Wait until you’re 38, then see how much fucking effort you have to put in to look HALF AS FIT AS THAT!
/sulks.
October 6th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
Next Year: KSK Kares Kharity Khallenge 2010: Caveman vs. Brian Russell.
My money’s on the guy in the shitty silver shorts. Good job Ufford.
October 6th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
this doesn’t make me feel better, it makes me feel fat and lazy! you shouldve shit your pants
October 6th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
So next year, what’s the shit-in-my-pants money threshold?
October 6th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
See, I wish I didn’t know that. Hard to mock a tattoo that came about from military service. Instead, I’ll mock the guy to your right who looks like Tucker Max and Eli Manning had a red-headed son who was raised in the Ozarks.
October 6th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
@NMC: Wait until you’re 38, then see how much fucking effort you have to put in to look HALF AS FIT AS THAT!
quoted for truth.
I am 37, getting ready for a half-marathon in January, and I’m feeling pains in my hamstrings getting in and out of my car.
On the plus side, my back and shoulders sport waaaay less girly “USMC” and “29 Palms Sucks Ass” tattoos than reeeeeally manly hair. Lots and lots of hair.
well done, Uff. Is the guy behind you in the 1st Wallball pic puking? I was promised puking.
October 6th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
I expected a lot more paleness. Also, what is the back tattoo?
Seriously, nice work CC.
October 6th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
No forearm gothic lettering tattoos? But that’s what all the cool guys at 29 wear nowadays. They also offer you a bedroom at their house so you can bang your 19 year old Finnish passenger… but only if he can watch.
October 6th, 2009 at 1:19 pm
Post Gone Good
October 6th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
CC with his shirt off – I’m in love.
/sends plane ticket
October 6th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
You didn’t even shit your pants? I thought that was a part of the deal…
October 6th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
Anyone else noticing a Marmalard-ish resemblance in the box jumps pic? WHAT? HUH? WHAT? /projectile vomits.
Seriously, good on you for helping a great cause…could’ve done without the toilet pic though – video of someone vomiting? Funny – iPhone pic of the leftovers…not so much.
October 6th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
I thought you’d be bigger.
/Road House’d
October 6th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
Fuck Drew, you really let yourself go.
…
That’s who?
Wow.
/seriously though, nice job
October 6th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
That’s it. I ‘m cutting out alcohol for 3 months and busting my ass on the P90X. Beer gut’s no gonna go away by itself. Thanks for the inspiration CC.
/is fuckin’ serious for once.
Drew, is this the halftime masturbation kit for the ladies?
October 6th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
Does Uff shave his chest?
October 6th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
Needs more cats in outfits.
October 6th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
Needs to proof read before posting.
/asshole
October 6th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
“Anyone else noticing a Marmalard-ish resemblance in the box jumps pic? WHAT? HUH? WHAT? /projectile vomits. ”
I was just thinking the same thing…
October 6th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
Nice work Uff. I find it funnier if you imagine CC suffering through this to the tune of that ‘Let Me Be Myself’ song from the Geico caveman ad.
October 6th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
Say, that tramp-stamp is kinda high.
October 6th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
Male shirtlessness AND vomit? What the fuck, man? The dudes get boobs (or used to get them) unspoiled by vomit. The chicks get shirtlessness with a side of spew? That shit ain’t right.
October 6th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
As a vet I say thanks.
As a donater, I say thanks for the opportunity.
As KSKommenter, I say something dickjokey and call you a douche!
Good job.
October 6th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
He does look like Marmalard….I wonder if the vomit hung in the air for 30 seconds…
October 6th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
F.G.B is a BITCH (followed closley by Fran)…nice job there CC, and for a great cause as well…….
/it really is a BITCH
October 6th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
Say, that tramp-stamp is kinda high.
…and a hearty +1 to you sir.
Great job Uff!!
October 6th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
What was the score?????
October 6th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Yea, I am with Slash. Next SEXAY pix come vomitless.
Also, the IT dept. wants back their “bandwidth” so no more online radio. :(. And videos are blocked. :(.
Work is suddenly harder. So reading and smiling to this post is a highlight! Good on you CC.
Even soulless bloggers and blogreaders have tiny itty bitty souls.
October 6th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
Congratulations on not shitting your pants. And for raising good money for a good cause.
Where others see Marmalard in the box step pic, I see John McEnroe. It also looks like CC has the beginnings of a thought balloon coming out of his head.
October 6th, 2009 at 2:32 pm
No one is going to anonymously mack on the purple-shirted lady behind Uff in the top photo? Well then….dibs!
Great job on this…glad I and so many others could help out.
October 6th, 2009 at 2:38 pm
Damn well done for a functioning alcoholic, CC.
October 6th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
What was the score?????
190. Pretty disappointing. It was my first FGB and I was shooting for 200.
October 6th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
It was nice of you to bring your Vietnamese house boy along. Did he serve martinis after the workout?
October 6th, 2009 at 3:18 pm
In the box jumps picture, the silver shorts make you look like you have a boner.
Thanks for this, though. Wildly entertaining.
October 6th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
this looks like fun, way to go
ive heard there is a crossfit course at ERP as well
October 6th, 2009 at 4:19 pm
Are those brown shoes? Who wears brown shoes with silver shorts?
A: the colorblind
/slow claps for Ufford (regardless of silver-brown tragedy)
October 6th, 2009 at 4:28 pm
CC: Well done — very well done.
Slothrop (38, etc.): No shit.
/hates aging already
October 6th, 2009 at 5:31 pm
fuck i need a nap and a sandwich after just reading about all that exercise.. nice one
October 6th, 2009 at 9:38 pm
I was impressed just hearing about it the first time. Kudos. I mean seriously, kudos. I aspire to be less of a couch potato than most but there’s no way I could attempt that without ending up badly, permanently injured. Maybe someday huh? Or maybe I’ll just set my sights a lot lower. Diabetes walk in support of sulking quarterbacks and retired Cubs 3rd Basemen everywhere?
October 6th, 2009 at 10:30 pm
Well done CC, you the man. So did you get a full body waxing before embarking on your exercise torture?
October 6th, 2009 at 10:33 pm
@NMC
EXACTLY! …. Hello, 38.
/punches self in beer gut.
October 6th, 2009 at 10:52 pm
Damn well done for a functioning alcoholic, CC.
Functioning?
October 6th, 2009 at 11:22 pm
CC you are hot!
October 6th, 2009 at 11:38 pm
What is this “exercise” of which you speak?
October 7th, 2009 at 2:05 am
Sweaty guys with their shirts off. Was this a fund raiser or a Vince Young party?
October 7th, 2009 at 10:34 am
What was the score?????
190. Pretty disappointing. It was my first FGB and I was shooting for 200.
190 isn’t bad at all for a first time. Its a tough workout – I think it was the 4th ever I did when I started cfitting. You just hurt all over.
October 7th, 2009 at 11:57 am
Congrats on a job well done, Marine.
October 7th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
You are a very, very funny man. I’m with you on all your descriptions. I made 247 with the women’s RX and it was NOT PRETTY.
As a 43 year old woman with 2 natural childbirths in the last 6 years, I will add that the pelvic floor is also a concern. I was sure that my uterus was going to pop out my pants leg.
FGB V should have AMRAP kegels, just to keep us conditioned in that area.
October 7th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
God what a toolish grin
October 8th, 2009 at 7:19 am
“Anyone else noticing a Marmalard-ish resemblance in the box jumps pic? WHAT? HUH? WHAT? /projectile vomits.
(actually vomits, said vomit waifs around room, floats out window, and lands on CC’s own car)…
October 14th, 2009 at 10:45 am
I am not giving money next year unless pants-shitting is in the deal.
Good job Uff-Daddy. “Gunner, Shit, Uff’s pants…Fire”